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As a dude, I'm scared to get married

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Your Entertainer

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I'm a mid 20s guy, in a medical residency with about 4 years left till I finish. Everything's going great in my life, but I'm single. Talking with male, single colleagues, a lot of us have brought up the same fear of getting married after hearing horror stories of the dude getting screwed over. One dude's wife cheated on him extensively, divorced him and took half his assets and now the dude still has to support the woman and the dude she cheated on him with monthly. He doesn't get to see his kids much either. Although he was making a doctor's salary, having that chopped down, on top of paying off a massive med school debt, has got him in some financial trouble.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaC-2lj6HNg

Just watched that too. Dude going through a divorce in Canada where it sounds even worse. The dude's wife had a clear mental illness, blew through $500k a year on meaningless junk, took the kids to foreign countries so he never saw them, and they never had sex but once a year. He was ordered to pay half a million that day or go to jail for 6 mo, and now has to pay $17k a MONTH in child support only, or go to jail for like 10 days a month. His salary is not what it once was, and he was to the point where he would have had to make 40k a month to see a dime himself.

Is this a common sentiment among young males these days? Is my apprehension rational? If I were to get married, I'd probably get a prenup. It doesn't right with me as it almost seems like a giant question mark on the whole trust and lifelong bond thing... But it almost seems like I have to protect myself. Or just not marry. Although I've heard stories on those being thrown out as well. Also, anybody have any horror stories on the topic?

I have to say, it definitely has me scared. Admittedly, I don't know how the system works extremely well and need to to more reading. I also wanna see that Divorce Corp docu, which supposedly sheds light on how messed up the divorce system is here in America.
 
I'm 28, married, with a prenup. Everything's going fine.

You're focusing too much on the horror stories because they're stories. People don't write stories about happily married individuals. And even if they end up in divorce, prenups are pretty much iron-clad if you have one.

But marriage isn't for everyone.
 
That's why it's so important to not rush into it...it took me awhile to decide to marry my wife(5 years), and the relationship before that was 7 years long. If we had gotten married, it would have surely ended in divorce, but at the time it wasn't obvious. It's a big f'ing deal to get married, and all too often I see people taking the decision seemingly lightly.
 
I can understand it. Even good people can end up hating each other if the relationship or marriage when terrible, and you never know what sort of divorce drama might happen afterwards. I've seen it happen way to often with couples who would have never thought to end up like this.

Personally, I would be more concerned about the consequences for raising the children one might have. Imagine hating somebody but having to still raise a kid together, fighting over that, having to deal with eventual new partners, etc. Have seen this happening way to often too.

So, I am not really scared, but the statistics and anecdotal evidence leaves me very skeptical. I think marriage is just not for me.
 
Married life might not be for you. That is a totally okay thing. Tons of couples just live together without actually ever getting married.
 
FuriousOne said:
That's why it's so important to not rush into it...it took me awhile to decide to marry my wife(5 years), and the relationship before that was 7 years long. If we had gotten married, it would have surely ended in divorce, but at the time it wasn't obvious. It's a big f'ing desl to get married, and all too often I see people taking the decision seemingly lightly.
Click to expand...

Yeah several of my classmates got engaged in med school after literally dating for 3mo to 1 year. Blows my mind. Choosing what you want to do with your life, getting married, and choosing to have a kid are in my mind the biggest decisions you ever make.
 
Don't get married. It's not mandatory.

I don't want to get married either, although not because of the crazy reasons you don't. I don't want to because there's literally no reason.

backslashbunny said:
Also, pre-nup. I know I'm getting a pre-nup for sure.
Click to expand...

I mentioned a pre-nup to my partner and she was not impressed.
 
that sounds like a rather extreme case of these sorta things that you shouldn't over think. however, I always feel like at this day and age people should REALLY look into signing a prenup before getting married.
 
Not everyone has to get married. My wife and I worked together for 8 years before we got married (although we didn't live together during that time, we dated almost the entire time). We got to know each other very well during those years.
 
I didn't get married until 33 ... 48 now. Love my wife of 15 years, love our kids, love the life we've built together. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't struggle with the married life. What can I say, I'm a loner Dottie. A rebel.
 
User33 said:
Marry a nice, normal person.
Click to expand...

Ha, on it.

I've heard stories about people completely changing after marriage from friends and family. Like becoming more controlling, angrier, etc. Older colleagues joke all the time about not getting laid while you're married, or getting laid much, much less too. haha.
 
backslashbunny said:
If you make more than your partner, it makes sense to worry about divorce.

All your stories seem to involve a much lower paid partner. Try marrying someone equal to you, try being the one to give up your career to take care of the kids, and you'll probably not be fucked in case of divorce.

Also, pre-nup. I know I'm getting a pre-nup for sure.
Click to expand...

Out of curiosity would you be upfront with the dude you're marrying that you've cheated in the past simply out of boredom?
 
Greddleok said:
Don't get married. It's not mandatory.

I don't want to get married either, although not because of the crazy reasons you don't. I don't want to because there's literally no reason.



I mentioned a pre-nup to my partner and she was not impressed.
Click to expand...

Yeah. To me, it seems to undermine the idea of trust being the foundation of marriage as a life-long bond, and all that shit. I can definitely imagine some people not being happy with it.
 
That's a weird thing to be that worried about. Cheating can happen but by the time you get married I'm sure you'll be comfortable with your ability to pick the right girl.

Have you dated much?
 
These sorts of issues can happen at any time and can go both ways. I do know of one woman whose retired husband divorced her (and got with someone else) just months before she was to retire, and long story short she has to pay him a ton of money. It messed up her whole retirement plans as she had to continue working longer to support him.

Prenups seem like the way to go if you want to have peace of mind though.
 
Greddleok said:
Don't get married. It's not mandatory.

I don't want to get married either, although not because of the crazy reasons you don't. I don't want to because there's literally no reason.



I mentioned a pre-nup to my partner and she was not impressed.
Click to expand...

Oh but there is reason to get married. It is a very powerful event. It binds two people together, until death parts them. Or should, ideally.

And yes, that's arbitrary, but so are all symbolic gestures and cultural practices.
 
Looking at the numbers, divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth. The number is around 30% right now and on a decline. Also the rate goes down a lot if you rule out marriages from young people.

Married people are typically happier people overall and have greater satisfaction with life.

If you're going to use information to decide if you should get married or not at least use good information.

There's horror stories based on anything you could ever possibly do in life.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, I'm not married myself, I just think you're not using good information.
 
SpaceWolf said:
Just look at Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton, with their creepy conjoined houses and underground tunnel!
Click to expand...

Those two lived together.

“We might be better, and still be able to give to each other, but not necessarily living together,” Carter says of the break-up before adding, “Which we did by the way, because everyone seemed to think we didn’t, but that was a load of myth.”
Click to expand...

and they split up last year.

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/09/tim-burton-helena-bonham-carter-split

probably not the best example.

Silent Storm said:
Don't most prenups get thrown out anyways???

Good luck getting your spouse to agree to one also.
Click to expand...

yep. depending on the state prenups may be invalid and thrown out immediately. There's also a ton of ways a good lawyer can get them thrown out. Don't count on those things to save you!
 
Joe said:
Looking at the numbers, divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth. The number is around 30% right now and on a decline. Also the rate goes down a lot if you rule out marriages from young people.

Married people are typically happier people overall and have greater satisfaction with life.

If you're going to use information to decide if you should get married or not at least use good information.

There's horror stories based on anything you could ever possibly do in life.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, I'm not married myself, I just think you're not using good information.
Click to expand...

Also the whole 50% stat was including people who were on their second or third marriage. No shit that someone who divorced twice will divorce a third or fourth time.
 
Joe said:
Looking at the numbers, divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth. The number is around 30% right now and on a decline. Also the rate goes down a lot if you rule out marriages from young people.

Married people are typically happier people overall and have greater satisfaction with life.

If you're going to use information to decide if you should get married or not at least use good information.

There's horror stories based on anything you could ever possibly do in life.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, I'm not married myself, I just think you're not using good information.
Click to expand...
It's going down because people that are unsure are choosing not to marry. It's not taboo to be single anymore.
 
Silent Storm said:
Don't most prenups get thrown out anyways???

Good luck getting your spouse to agree to one also.
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's what I've heard too.

I mean, how would it work? Would I say - OK, this is my salary right now, if we ever split you're not taking half of my assets, you're not getting monthly payments, you're not getting anything I own. Sound cool?

It seems fair to me, at least on the surface, that if I were to separate from someone I met and married after this point in my life, that they shouldn't be entitled to my money. Assuming we're both working. I've worked very hard to achieve what I have, and they played no part in helping me through school or getting all of it.
 
Joe said:
Looking at the numbers, divorce rate isn't 50%. That's a myth. The number is around 30% right now and on a decline. Also the rate goes down a lot if you rule out marriages from young people.

Married people are typically happier people overall and have greater satisfaction with life.

If you're going to use information to decide if you should get married or not at least use good information.

There's horror stories based on anything you could ever possibly do in life.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, I'm not married myself, I just think you're not using good information.
Click to expand...
I'm pretty sure it's on the decline because less people are getting married in the first place these days.
 
CornBurrito said:
Oh but there is reason to get married. It is a very powerful event. It binds two people together, until death parts them. Or should, ideally.

And yes, that's arbitrary, but so are all symbolic gestures and cultural practices.
Click to expand...

It's symbolism, I agree. It certainly does not bind two people together, nor should it.

It's cool if people want to get married, but you don't have to, it's not all that in my opinion. A gesture at best, a mistake at worst.
 
Your Entertainer said:
Yeah, that's what I've heard too.

I mean, how would it work? Would I say - OK, this is my salary right now, if we ever split you're not taking half of my assets, you're not getting monthly payments, you're not getting anything I own. Sound cool?

It seems fair to me, at least on the surface, that if I were to separate from someone I met and married after this point in my life, that they shouldn't be entitled to my money. I've worked very hard to achieve what I have, and they played no part in helping me through school or getting all of it.
Click to expand...

They should certainly be entitled to some of your money if they gave up their career to help raise your children.
 
A lot of men fall on their sword and never quite figure out that divorce is a negotiation. They get a lawyer who is not a litigator or a negotiator and then go the easy route.

In many jurisdictions, 50/50 custody is now standard. But you have to ask for it.

If you are contemplating a divorce - do not move out. Keep up the same routine you have always had. Stay in the marital residence, and continue being a dad to your kids.

Don't settle out of court for anything less than 50% custody.

Many men, however, move out to "keep the peace." That is probably the biggest mistake you can make during a divorce as it establishes status quo and makes it really hard to prove that you share half of the parenting responsibilities.
 
I'm never getting married, nor is a long-term girlfriend on the cards. My ideal retirement will involve buying a cabin in the woods somewhere and spend my days away from the hustle and bustle.
 
Your Entertainer said:
I'm a mid 20s guy, in a medical residency with about 4 years left till I finish. Everything's going great in my life, but I'm single. Talking with male, single colleagues, a lot of us have brought up the same fear of getting married after hearing horror stories of the dude getting screwed over. One dude's wife cheated on him extensively, divorced him and took half his assets and now the dude still has to support the woman and the dude she cheated on him with monthly. He doesn't get to see his kids much either. Although he was making a doctor's salary, having that chopped down, on top of paying off a massive med school debt, has got him in some financial trouble.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaC-2lj6HNg

Just watched that too. Dude going through a divorce in Canada where it sounds even worse. The dude's wife had a clear mental illness, blew through $500k a year on meaningless junk, took the kids to foreign countries so he never saw them, and they never had sex but once a year. He was ordered to pay half a million that day or go to jail for 6 mo, and now has to pay $17k a MONTH in child support only, or go to jail for like 10 days a month. His salary is not what it once was, and he was to the point where he would have had to make 40k a month to see a dime himself.

Is this a common sentiment among young males these days? Is my apprehension rational? If I were to get married, I'd probably get a prenup. It doesn't right with me as it almost seems like a giant question mark on the whole trust and lifelong bond thing... But it almost seems like I have to protect myself. Or just not marry. Although I've heard stories on those being thrown out as well. Also, anybody have any horror stories on the topic?

I have to say, it definitely has me scared. Admittedly, I don't know how the system works extremely well and need to to more reading. I also wanna see that Divorce Corp docu, which supposedly sheds light on how messed up the divorce system is here in America.
Click to expand...

You seem to haven't dated much and haven't really thought about these or have maybe never had a long term relationship?

These issues seems REALLY preventable:
1) If he had any proof of the cheating, she shouldnt' have gotten 1/2 the assets and complete custody of the children especially if he was a doctor (unless he was doing ER working 90 hours/week).

2) Don't marry a woman who wants to use $500k a year (if you can afford that). Don't marry a gold digger. If you can't tell what a woman is like after 2-3 years, then maybe you should look in the mirror and reassess what you pay attention to in life.

In general people are waiting longer to get married and divorce rates are low b/c people are waiting longer. Divorce rates are skewed by people that get divorced multiple times. Once you divorce once, your chance of getting divorce again doubles or something with each successive marriage.
 
-=::[Eagle-Vision]::=-;183780095 said:
Is the guy reimbursed the resources he invested in her as well?
Click to expand...

The woman is still the one expected to give up their career to raise the children. If you near permanently damage your potential income, it makes sense to be fairly compensated for that in a divorce settlement.
 
Joe said:
Married people are typically happier people overall and have greater satisfaction with life.
.
Click to expand...

It's all wonderful and good when it's wonderful and good. Of course they're happier when things are good in a marriage but when those horror scenarios happen and end the marital bliss it's suddenly a different story.
 
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