The burning question from The Force Awakens has finally been answered this week:
What the hell happened to C-3PO's arm?
Well, look no further, because this week saw the release of Marvel's first Star Wars one-shot, C-3PO #1, which answers this question in the most bat shit insane way possible.
Yep, it gets ripped the fuck by some sea monster after one of his new droid buddies sacrifices himself so they can cross a swamp; but this isn't even the fucking start. This is the fucking middle.
Rewind to the start of the story, Admiral Ackbar was somehow captured by The First Order and is going to be executed unless C-3PO, a security droid, a med droid, some construction droid, and another sassy security droid thing transport a First Order Protocol droid named Omri to the Resistance.
Problem is, the rebels they were with got high on death sticks or something and crashed the fuck into Jakku and died. Now they're forced to survive on the planet until they can find help.
First up, they encounter some fuckin SPICE SPIDERS, and one of the security droids sacrifices the shit out of himself to save them.
Then Omri and C-3PO have some sort of freshmen college philosophy lecture and talk about free will or Philip K Dick Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? Nonsense about free will and dreaming and ghost limbs or some shit, THEN they all get slaughtered by this bridge monster, and we're left with just 3PO and Omri.
Turns out, these two fuckers are best friends even though they're on different sides of the war, and right at that moment there's some fuckin ACID RAID:
"OHHHHHH shit they're gonna die!" You might say. Nope. These Brobots made it under a crashed Tie fighter. 3PO starts bugging the fuck out and he thinks Ackbar is fuckin finished. Nope. Omri is like "Dude I'll save you. Have these coordinates first. Enjoy fam." And this badass walks out into the rain, knowing he's gonna die, and he activates some tracking signal or some shit and he starts melting. Turns out he's not black, but fucking red. It's just some cheap cherry black coat that was put on by some 18 year old who was trying to trick out his shitty Honda. 3PO was all like
And this fuckin dude just breaks down.
Then...
Out of fuckin nowhere...
Oscar God Damn Isaac.
You know it's him because he says "buddy!" Like in the movie.
Dude comes up to him and 3PO tells him the news and he's like "nice."
So he finally gets back to the ship with this fuckin arm and he legit took this dudes arm and attached it to himself as some sick reminder that he threw all those other robots under the bus so he could have all the glory for this Intel on Ackbar. Dude is legit twisted. He's the fucking Walter White of Star Wars.
I couldn't make this shit up. Buy it. The old EU is alive and well.
RIP Captain Hoff
1952-2016