OK... Here goes. It's not a short story. Jesus, it's a really long story. There will be a tl;dr version at the end, so feel free to skip, I guess.
Ever since I've known someone could be depressed, I have been. I have absolutely no self-esteem. Can't think of the last time I was really positive about something. The first time I thought of suicide was eighth grade. Was on anti-depressants about 10 years ago. Hated hated hated them. Felt like a robot. I'm in my early thirties now. I had my depression mostly under control for a while- at least until about a year ago.
I've worked retail all my life. I generally like people, but I've found myself to have a bit too thin of a skin at times. Then again, who doesn't? I had been dating and living with a girl for 4 years, and things were getting out of control. I was paying for everything other than her half of her rent and her car insurance. All the utilities, groceries, even her cell phone. She has a full time, minimum wage job that, once the two things she pays for are taken out, she doesn't have much left. Luckily, I have a well-paying job, so I could afford it, even if it meant I wasn't saving any money. There was no physical side to the relationship. If I was lucky, we'd have sex once every two months... or unless she forgot to buy my Christmas presents (this actually happened, and I had given her the money to buy them). She was pressuring me to marry her. I always responded that A) I don't have money for a ring, and B) by all definitions, we were married already, and that I didn't see the point. As this was all quickly going sour, a co-worker somehow got ahold of my phone number, and we began texting back and forth, and occasionally hanging out with other people we worked with. Only downside? I was her boss... and that proved to be a slippery slope. Flash forward four months. GF and I decided to break up. We had been fighting a lot, and it just seemed like the right idea. We were both pretty OK with it. The lease was about to be up on our apartment, though, and we missed the part in the paperwork that said that we had to give 30 days notice that we weren't resigning. It makes sense, but now we're stuck with each other, in a one-bedroom, for another year. Surprisingly, we got along a lot better broken up. It was like the pressure was off. Unfortunately, things with the co-worker were picking up. She was the aggressor. She introduced me to her kids, who were awesome, and things were pretty decent. I didn't tell the ex what was going on, mostly out of my own concern for her feelings, so I lied. I never disputed that CW was out with me, but I always said others were too. CW birthday came, and I spent a bunch of $$$ on the day. Four days later, (and I assure you) completely out of the blue, she dumps me, via text. She starts getting hostile. Before you know it, I was getting kicked out of the location I worked at and transferred to another in a very bad area. I was lucky to still have my job and I accepted responsibility for the bad situation, but to call this store a problem store (and a severe punishment) would be an understatement. It was two weeks behind on freight, with a full warehouse and a full trailer that needed to be unloaded every week. The second day that I was there, I had to call the cops TWICE... first on an employee threatening the store manager, and then on the employee's FAMILY who came up and tried to assault said manager. The manager wasn't entirely innocent. He pushes buttons, and loves to try to play divide and conquer. So there I am, heartbroken and betrayed, and I'm basically walking into a war. Boss ends up completely worthless. Leaves every day that I work as soon as I come in, leaving me completely shortstaffed in an incredibly busy store. Nothing gets accomplished. Holidays come. He's still pulling his disappearing act (he didn't even come in the weekend before Christmas, and remember, this is retail) and I'm drowning. Drowning in anxiety, and Mr. Suicidal Thoughts was back, and bigger than ever. It doesn't matter though. I bust my ass, and work harder than I have at any job I've had in the last 16 years.
Right around this time, I had applied for a job, with a significant cut in pay, but out of the retail industry. This was my only bright spot of hope. I was so excited, I told one of my friends to apply. "How fun would it be for us to work together?" I asked. There was 15 openings. I figured I had a great shot. Long story short? Bombed the phone interview. Not only did my friend get the job and I didn't... but CW somehow got the job, too. Found out from my boss at my old location. And that was it. Didn't leave the house other than for work for three months. Drank a lot. Ate almost nothing. Meanwhile, I'm living with my ex, who I can't even tell the full story of what the problem is, because I'm an asshole and still didn't want to hurt her.
End of January, I get a text from a weird number. Come to find out, it's the ex (we'll say EX3) of my ex's ex (EX2). EX3 and I always got along when she and EX2 were dating, and would hang out with my ex and I. Not to mention, she was gorgeous. Like, distractingly gorgeous. She's a singer in a great band. Says I should go see them. She had found out that my ex and I had split up, and was telling me how much better I was than my ex, and how awesome she thought I was, and how she and I should hang out. Sounds great. She and I hang out three times, and she cancels on me six. We talk a lot, though. Things are decent. At the same time, my ex starts hanging out with one of her co-workers. Someone I've never heard her mention before. She starts using a lot of the same excuses I did when i was seeing my CW. I flip out... but I can't even say why. (I feel like this story needs a flowchart). Then, out of nowhere, my ex starts talking about how she might want to try to work things out. Stops hanging out with her coworker. And things with EX3 are getting... interesting. She's living with one of her exes, too, and he's moving out at the end of March. She told him she wouldn't date anyone until he was out of the house. So it's kind of a waiting game. I go to Vegas last week. My ex keeps texting me about how much she misses me and can wait for me to get home. EX3 starts getting distant, but keeps reminding me that we're supposed to hang out the day after I get back. I joke that she's gonna cancel on me. She doesn't like that. Fast forward to the day after I get back... and she's nowhere to be found. Won't answer the one time I call her and doesn't call back, won't respond to texts... which is weird, because we text back and forth like 100x a day. She's just gone. The next day, I get invited to a private party saturday night by mutual friends of mine and hers. I give a wishy-washy maybe, and BOOM! Out of the woodwork she comes. "YouhavetogobecauseI'monlygoingbecauseyou'regoing!" Again, I didn't say I was ever going to begin with. Her band has a show coming up, and she wants me to introduce them. I'm flattered, and accept. She also wants me to take 4/1 off, because she wants to spend the day with me. Get to the party Saturday night, and she's nowhere to be found. Shows up around midnight, completely shitfaced hammered. I flip out on her. She tries to explain. I tell her that I'm not someone she should feel like she needs to explain herself to. She says she wants me to be. I tell her she's better than the games she's playing. I tell her that I don't have time for games. I'm too old, and I've got too much stress. I'm basically yelling at her for an hour, but, at the same time, being incredibly positive in what I say. She's got a friend that, every time I see her, is with her. He's obviously in love with her. She tells me she's not interested in him. Well, anywho, he comes outside where we are, and just says "We're leaving." Off they go. She doesn't even say goodbye. Then I get a text from my ex saying that she's having someone watch the dog because she's hanging out with her co-worker. It's now four days later. EX3 won't respond to my texts. Well, that's not true. I texted her to tell her that I'm off 4/1. She said she was really happy to hear that. That's all I've gotten from her. She used to be all over my facebook, liking everything, and putting up funny videos. Nothing. My ex that I'm living with is getting weird again. I get back to work and find out that I'm my boss's next target. He spent the entire time that I was gone talking shit and saying how worthless I am. People tell me he's gonna try to at least get me transferred... which means I'm probably just gonna get fired. Second store in a year where they need to transfer me because someone doesn't want me there anymore? That'll go over great. EX3's band's show is Friday. I don't know if I should even bother going. I don't know what to do. I'm drowning again. I just need one fucking thing to go right. Just one little spark. And every time I have a chance at finding it, everything blows up in my face. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I can't quit my job. I have no money saved, and I'm already supporting someone else. My fear is that I'll just freak one day and quit. Get kicked out of my apartment, ruin my ex, and end up being that guy in his thirties who lives with his dad. If I live that long. I sometimes wonder if I had more self-worth, could I actually follow through on killing myself?
TL;DR- Fuck it. I can't come up with one.
