Nosebleed and coffee use the same word/s in Korean.
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Did you hear about the fence that learned to walk? (jokes thread)
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Nosebleed and coffee use the same word/s in Korean.
travisbickle
Member
No one posted Time Vine's, winner of the one-liner award at the Edinburgh fringe festival 2 years running, jokes?
Yes, I considered adding a note about that, but eh. It works when it works. I suck at jokes, so it's all I got.
BladeoftheImmortal
Member
I made two one day when I was bored as shit at a retail job.
1. What is a duck's favorite brand of oatmeal?
2. What do you an American flag with bifocals?
1. What is a duck's favorite brand of oatmeal?
Quacker oates
2. What do you an American flag with bifocals?
A grand old flag.
Blargonaut
Banned
There once was a lonely lion wandering the savannah. He was very hungry.
Prowling around for hours, he eventually came across some grazing cattle. Salivating, he quickly chased one of the herd down, killed it and began feasting. While chewing on his hearty prize the lion let out a triumphant roar that could be heard across the plains, and continued eating.
A poacher nearby heard the roar, and with expert tracking skills, found the preoccupied lion and shot him easily. The lion was skinned for its expensive fur with a sharp knife while dying slowly beside its last meal.
Moral of the story:
Prowling around for hours, he eventually came across some grazing cattle. Salivating, he quickly chased one of the herd down, killed it and began feasting. While chewing on his hearty prize the lion let out a triumphant roar that could be heard across the plains, and continued eating.
A poacher nearby heard the roar, and with expert tracking skills, found the preoccupied lion and shot him easily. The lion was skinned for its expensive fur with a sharp knife while dying slowly beside its last meal.
Moral of the story:
Don't speak when you're mouth is full of bull.
I guess you can see why he told me this joke :I
ThePlayerofGames
Banned
The word is Ko-pi
It's how they pronounce coffee. Pi is also the word for blood.
It's basically a pun, but it doesn't work unless you know some Korean.
(I did some ESL there and have told this joke to students before).
Tyrone Biggums
Banned
What did the fish say when he bumped into a wall?
So 3 Nazi's walk into a BAR, the BAR-tender gives them all free shots, then the 3 die of lead poisoning.
DAM!
So 3 Nazi's walk into a BAR, the BAR-tender gives them all free shots, then the 3 die of lead poisoning.
The joke sucked
RobotNinjaHornets
Banned
openrob
Member
A man takes his poorly dog to the vet.
The dogs beem quite ill so his is a bit worried. The vet takes the dog into the surgery room. After 5 minutes the Vet appears, approaches the owner and asks "Could you open your mouth and say "Awwwwhhh" for me?"
The man replies, "Why do I have to do that, I aint a dog!"
Why is there no medicide in the Jungle because the
Peter Kay fav:
Knock Knock
Who's there
Biggish...
The dogs beem quite ill so his is a bit worried. The vet takes the dog into the surgery room. After 5 minutes the Vet appears, approaches the owner and asks "Could you open your mouth and say "Awwwwhhh" for me?"
The man replies, "Why do I have to do that, I aint a dog!"
The vet replies "...Because your Dogs dead"
Why is there no medicide in the Jungle because the
ParrotsEat'EmAll
Peter Kay fav:
Knock Knock
Who's there
Biggish...
Bjoern the Smexy
Member
This one is just slightly NSFW (imo), just so you know. Also dark humor.
If you are easily offended by the mention of sex and other possible sexual implications of this joke, then skip it, please.
So, a ship sunk in the middle of the ocean. Three men and a woman were the only survivors and were washed ashore on a lonely island.
Live was good as they managed to build some houses, were able to gather enough food for everyone, but there was also their longing for sex. All four made an arrangement that each man had to wait their turn to have sex with the woman and she could refuse if she didn't feel like it.
Everyone was okay with it and they felt that life was even more bearable than before.
After a long and stormy week the woman got sick and, a few weeks later, sadly died from pneumonia.
The first week after her death was pretty bad.
The second week was even worse.
The third week was almost unbearable.
If you are easily offended by the mention of sex and other possible sexual implications of this joke, then skip it, please.
So, a ship sunk in the middle of the ocean. Three men and a woman were the only survivors and were washed ashore on a lonely island.
Live was good as they managed to build some houses, were able to gather enough food for everyone, but there was also their longing for sex. All four made an arrangement that each man had to wait their turn to have sex with the woman and she could refuse if she didn't feel like it.
Everyone was okay with it and they felt that life was even more bearable than before.
After a long and stormy week the woman got sick and, a few weeks later, sadly died from pneumonia.
The first week after her death was pretty bad.
The second week was even worse.
The third week was almost unbearable.
At the end of the fourth week they decided to bury her corpse.
I'm sorry.
CommandThrower
Member
Two more jokes that I like:
A man works at a circus as the man who gets shot out of a cannon. One day, he decides to leave the circus. The ringmaster pleads with him before he leaves: "Please don't leave! Where will I find a man of your caliber?!"
Why did the one handed skeleton cross the road?
A man works at a circus as the man who gets shot out of a cannon. One day, he decides to leave the circus. The ringmaster pleads with him before he leaves: "Please don't leave! Where will I find a man of your caliber?!"
Why did the one handed skeleton cross the road?
To get to the second hand store
openrob
Member
A long standing member of a local social club was asked to give a brief talk on a subject of his choice. Only requierments that it be enternaining as much as it is informative. The man thinks long about it, but the only topic he feels he can cover so well would be that of sex.
However he knows his wife wouldn't approve, so he decides to lie and pretended choose sea sailing as his topic.
"But your not exactly an expert at sailing though?" she enqiured. "Ahh don't worry" He responded "I will just look up online about it"
Anyway, he does his talk on Sex and it goes down really well.
A few weeks later the wife decides to meet hubby after a night out to drive him home. Waiting outside, she sees a woman she knows come out of entrance.
"Hello, dear!" says the woman. "Your husband is so good at speaking, his talk was great. He must be an expert," she adds with a smile.
"Well, I don't know how," says the bewildered little wife. "He only tried it twice. The first time he got so sick he leaned over the side and brought up his dinner. The second time his hat blew off!"
However he knows his wife wouldn't approve, so he decides to lie and pretended choose sea sailing as his topic.
"But your not exactly an expert at sailing though?" she enqiured. "Ahh don't worry" He responded "I will just look up online about it"
Anyway, he does his talk on Sex and it goes down really well.
A few weeks later the wife decides to meet hubby after a night out to drive him home. Waiting outside, she sees a woman she knows come out of entrance.
"Hello, dear!" says the woman. "Your husband is so good at speaking, his talk was great. He must be an expert," she adds with a smile.
"Well, I don't know how," says the bewildered little wife. "He only tried it twice. The first time he got so sick he leaned over the side and brought up his dinner. The second time his hat blew off!"
MaverickHunterX
Member
lunchtoast
Member
What do you call a fake noodle?
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
An impasta
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
PayOffWizard
Member
An all time classic...
I went to the zoo today, there was only one dog. it was a shi-tzu.
I went to the zoo today, there was only one dog. it was a shi-tzu.
dreamcastfan
Member
So a kid goes outside to play for a while.. When he heads back in he stands there with the door open. His mother says, come on in and shut the door or you'll let bugs in!... "Nahh.. What's up Doc??" ...see?!!!
Lol.
Celine Dion walks into a bar...
A rabbit is working on a building site, and on his lunch break pops into the local pub. "Do you serve food?" he asks the barman. "Well we've got a Breville out the back, where we do toasted sandwiches to order. What would you like?" the barman replies. "Oooh, ham and cheese please" says the rabbit. He eats it, pays and thanks the barman and goes back to work.
The next day, the rabbit returns to the pub. "I enjoyed lunch yesterday - any recommendations for today?" he asks. "Why yes - I've got some nice sliced beef and a batch of Stilton to hand if you fancy it?" says the barman. The rabbit orders and eats, and goes on his way.
The following day, the rabbit pops in for lunch. "What's on the menu today?" he asks. The barman replies "I've just got some fresh spinach and butternut squash from the garden - something different". "Sounds good" says the rabbit, and enjoys his lunch once again.
The fourth day, lunchtime comes and goes, and no sign of the rabbit. The barman is a little concerned, but not surprised - after all, contractors come and go. But towards the end of the day, the rabbit staggers in, looking the worse for wear. Fur hanging out in lumps, boils and sores, puss oozing,..
"Blimey - what happened to you?" asks the barman.
The rabbit replied
"I... I... I mixtamatoasties"
Blargonaut
Banned
[thread]
fishsticks
[/thread]
fishsticks
[/thread]
If you opened the thread tags in your post does that mean all the previous posts are just the header?
Blargonaut
Banned
...yes.
Sword Familiar
178% of NeoGAF posters don't understand statistics
Blargonaut
Banned
ThankeeSai
Member
My wife threw me out because of my bad Terminator impressions.
But
But
"I'll return".
ThankeeSai
Member
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit'
D
Deleted member 231381
Unconfirmed Member
Why are pirates called pirates?
Just because they arrrgh.
ThankeeSai
Member
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong...
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong...
I wished for a big orange head."
Hahaha. Oldie but a goodie.
Like the hat?
Banned
Joke my four year old son told me today
"How do you fight wind? With a windshield!"
"How do you fight wind? With a windshield!"
Treechopper
Member
Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well...
It really doesn't work in text. You gotta say it right.
It's night time and the Balloon family have gone to bed. Baby Balloon can't get to sleep so he creeps into mum and dad's room. He slips into the bed and tries to get comfortable between them but there isn't enough room. He undoes a valve and releases a bit of air out of Daddy Balloon, but still, he cannot fit. So then he turns to Mummy Balloon, undoes the valve and releases a bit of air, but he still can't quite tuck in. So finally, Baby Balloon lets a little bit of air out of himself just enough to fit in all snug and get to sleep.
Come the morning and the Balloon family are having breakfast. Daddy Balloon does not look happy. He turns to Baby Balloon and says "Do you know what you've done Baby Balloon? You've let me down. You've let your mother down. But most importantly.. you've let yourself down"
Come the morning and the Balloon family are having breakfast. Daddy Balloon does not look happy. He turns to Baby Balloon and says "Do you know what you've done Baby Balloon? You've let me down. You've let your mother down. But most importantly.. you've let yourself down"
Best one ever though: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmOTpIVxji8
RobotNinjaHornets
Banned
That...is super cute
MonkeyKing
Member
A woman was alarmed because her two young boys were always using a lot of profanity. Not knowing what to do, she decided to discuss the problem with her minister.
The minister suggested that the mother should set an example. That the next time the boys used profanity, she should knock the hell out of them.
That next morning, the woman was making pancakes for her sons. As they sat down to eat, one of the boys said, "hey mom would you pass the fucking butter". Mom instantly turned around and backhanded the boy across the room.
She then turned to her other son, and asked him, "Johnny would you like some pancakes"?
Johnny looked up and said, "yeah, but I don't want no fucking butter".
The minister suggested that the mother should set an example. That the next time the boys used profanity, she should knock the hell out of them.
That next morning, the woman was making pancakes for her sons. As they sat down to eat, one of the boys said, "hey mom would you pass the fucking butter". Mom instantly turned around and backhanded the boy across the room.
She then turned to her other son, and asked him, "Johnny would you like some pancakes"?
Johnny looked up and said, "yeah, but I don't want no fucking butter".
ElectricKaibutsu
Member
A penguin is driving through the desert and has car trouble. Fortunately he is able to get his car to a small town. The mechanic there says he'll take a look at it, but it'll take a little while. The penguin decides to get some ice cream because it's hot. He goes to the ice cream shop and orders a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Because he doesn't have hands he kind of shovels it in, but it gets everywhere. He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." And the penguin says "No, it's just ice cream."
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