• Hey Guest. Check out your NeoGAF Wrapped 2025 results here!

Do you still communicate with your ex?

Status
Not open for further replies.
It depends on the situation, I think. I have an ex that cheated on me, so I cut all ties and never looked back. She's tried to get back in contact with me numerous times, but I just ignore her.

I've also had a mutual breakup where it was too painful to stay in contact because we were so close. I think I'd like to reconnect at some point, but that may never happen.

Then there are exes that I dated for a short while, but broke up because, while we made good friends, there was no romance there. Because of this, we can still be friends and not worry about falling back into it or being jealous.

Like most things in life, I don't think there's really a black and white answer. But, if you are unsure on your part (and it's not just about your SO being jealous,) I think the "safe" route is to keep your distance.

Revolutionary said:
I do. But we both keep it a secret because our SOs wouldn't approve. It's nothing sexual anymore (just some harmless flirting) but still, it's just something that most people wouldn't approve of so we decided it's best to just keep it on the low.
Click to expand...

Would your SO be hurt to find this out? Then it's not "harmless." It's a breach of trust, and that is vital to a healthy relationship.
 
Don't do it.

My strategy is to operate as if she doesn't exist. I will cherish many of the memories, but at this point it's a closed chapter.

It helps that my last lives in another country, though.
 
my ex girlfriend is the only person i have met who i feel comfortable discussing a lot of things with, and i no longer believe that any of what i perceived as her transgressions in our relationship matter, because i simply live life my own way now. the emotional wounds healed (or at least scarred over) and the relationship is dead forever, so why wouldn't i?

so i keep in touch with her, because i still value her as my friend, even if sometimes she says evil things to me. i mean she has borderline and other issues, not like she can really help it. plus we have a similar sense of humor and grim outlook
 
The issue isn't that you're talking to your ex, but that your SO is acting jealous about it and I bet you'll soon be getting an ultimatum about cutting off contact. Don't agree to that. Boyfriends or girlfriends who are unreasonably jealous or controlling are often projecting their own issues. The ones who constantly accuse you of cheating? They're the first ones to cheat, "because you were going to cheat on me." Do not throw away pictures of yourself just because you are in them with another person. Later in life they will please you and spark memories (I recently came across a bunch of old pictures and had no idea who my dates in them were, but was happy to see myself as a young man). Do not give up friends, either.
 
Iriscomeback said:
No, and that's for the better.

I actualy have a friend that always invites all his ex girlfriends for his birthday. So fucking awkward.
Click to expand...

Ugh, when I lived with roommates, they'd invite my (cheating) ex to parties at the house. I'm 99.9% sure that they were just trying to get with her, as they were the anti-social types that wait for relationships to fall into their lap via the "friend zone." This led to her "visiting" me almost every time, as I'd stay in my room during such parties in order to ignore her. So annoying.


adamsappel said:
The issue isn't that you're talking to your ex, but that your SO is acting jealous about it and I bet you'll soon be getting an ultimatum about cutting off contact. Don't agree to that. Boyfriends or girlfriends who are unreasonably jealous or controlling are often projecting their own issues. The ones who constantly accuse you of cheating? They're the first ones to cheat, "because you were going to cheat on me." Do not throw away pictures of yourself just because you are in them with another person. Later in life they will please you and spark memories (I recently came across a bunch of old pictures and had no idea who my dates in them were, but was happy to see myself as a young man). Do not give up friends, either.
Click to expand...

Yup yup, I've personally found this to be true. Most people that try to control you do so because they know what's in their own head and feel that you might think similarly. It's the ones that accept (and even encourage) you to socialize that are the most trustworthy, in my experience.
 
CliqWriter said:
This is exactly what I'm working on figuring out. Should I completely stop communicating with my ex and former best friend of 10+ years for this new relationship? If I do that will I regret it if we break up in 6 months? Do I think this is someone I need to be with if this is something that makes you act like a jerk? Sigh...
Click to expand...

Don't let your SO dictate who your friends are. If she tries to force the issue (via ultimatum), move on. The fact that she's behaving like a child over this (flipping out, ignoring you) gives you an idea of how she'll handle future sources of conflict.
 
Guys: "Move on from your exes, don't talk to them"
Girls: "You can be civil with your exes, no reason to keep those lines of communication open"

That being said, don't talk to your exes.

Caveat, I have an ex I still talk to. She dated a friend of mine after we broke up, and it was completely fine. Hell, we double dated plenty of times without awkwardness.

PS: Everything is stupid, do what feels right.
 
jb1234 said:
Don't let your SO dictate who your friends are. If she tries to force the issue (via ultimatum), move on. The fact that she's behaving like a child over this (flipping out, ignoring you) gives you an idea of how she'll handle future sources of conflict.
Click to expand...

Yeah, ultimatums are gross, TBH. Trying to hold a relationship hostage in order to control someone's actions is all kinds of shitty.
 
I'm 40 been married for 12 years. My high school sweetheart I'm Facebook friends with. We don't talk or text or meetup though.

The ex I had before I met my wife I'm not friends with.
 
Can't communicate with an ex when you've never had an SO

247.gif
 
DyslexicAlucard said:
Yeah, ultimatums are gross, TBH. Trying to hold a relationship hostage in order to control someone's actions is all kinds of shitty.
Click to expand...

Happened within a group of friends I play D&D with. The new girlfriend of one of the guys didn't want him playing around his ex and, unfortunately, he went along with it and is no longer in the group. Sad.

Amon37 said:
I'm 40 been married for 12 years.
Click to expand...

Good job!
 
If there are no kids... nope, no reason to communicate with an ex.

I have no kids so nope.

zoukka said:
Ever heard of this thing called friendship? It's pretty neat.
Click to expand...

It's pretty rare to have a healthy friendship with an ex. I'm not saying it's wrong or impossible, just very rare and not something you should expect to be able to have in most circumstances.
 
Your GF is being insecure. And from the sounds of the examples you gave, it won't last long anyway.

Keep being friends with your ex.


As for me, yes I still talk to a few. I made that clear to my GF before we started dating that if she would make it an issue then we don't need to precede any further. If you're open with people and they still flip, then you have your answer.
 
Peltz said:
It's pretty rare to have a healthy friendship with an ex. I'm not saying it's wrong or impossible, just very rare and not something you should expect to be able to have in most circumstances.
Click to expand...

In my experience, sensible, secure adults are rare indeed. That doesn't mean anyone should listen to the terrible advice given by immature, insecure people in this thread. It reads like everyone still was in highschool.
 
xelios said:
Happened within a group of friends I play D&D with. The new girlfriend of one of the guys didn't want him playing around his ex and, unfortunately, he went along with it and is no longer in the group. Sad.
Click to expand...
I've experienced it first hand. I actually gave in, too. Lesson learned.
 
My last relationship did not end well, so nope. He did try to contact me once after the break up, but he tried that stupid psychological "I'm too proud to talk to you, but you can always call me if you need help" bs that I just ignored and never heard from him again.

If the relationship ended amiably, maybe. After a break, at least. I personally wouldn't mind an SO keeping in contact with an ex either, provided I didn't feel like I was second fiddle to them. :p My SO doesn't, though, so it's whatever.
 
Yes, after taking a long period of silence (over a year in most cases). But "communicate" for me means we're on good terms and catch up every now and then, not that we talk or text all the time.
 
No because I erase them from my memory and never acknowledge any further attempts of communication because it hurts less than to blame them for why we broke up in the first place.
 
CliqWriter said:
Now, I can see how me communicating with my ex can be intimidating since we spent almost a decade dating and more time as friends, but I can't shake the feeling that this comes from insecurities on her end. Just to clarify, I'm not talking to my ex everyday or endlessly calling or texting. I talk to her maybe a once or twice every few weeks.
Click to expand...

It comes from her not wanting your Ex to interfere in your relationship...
 
Op, you are not only in contact with your ex, you are doing her favours.

My current gf still communicates with her ex, it pissess me off to no end. It's probably an insecurity on my part. And maybe my first proper gf leaving me for her ex bf has something to do with my view. But to me it's similar to saying that people who lock their houses when they go out are insecure of being robbed.
 
navii said:
Op, you are not only in contact with your ex, you are doing her favours.

My current gf still communicates with her ex, it pissess me off to no end. It's probably an insecurity on my part. And maybe my first proper gf leaving me for her ex bf has something to do with my view. But to me it's similar to saying that people who lock their houses when they go out are insecure of being robbed.
Click to expand...

I think a significant difference is that one puts trust in your SO not to cheat on you, while the other would be putting trust in strangers not to rob you.
 
DyslexicAlucard said:
I think a significant difference is that one puts trust in your SO not to cheat on you, while the other would be putting trust in strangers not to rob you.
Click to expand...

Fair point but at the same time many SO expects their spouse not to engage in behaviors that would be disrespectful to their relationship.

Hence why I don't party late night with my single lady friends. And why I don't go for brunch with the last woman I used to fuck the everliving shit out of.

It's not just trust it's trust and respect. Sometimes people use the "but don't you trust me!" as a bullshit justification to engage in behavior their SO isn't cool with.
 
I always found it very narcissistic of people to be still communicating with their exes. There's a difference between being cool with your ex and another to be keeping in touch with them often.

Every time a person I was interested in told me they were friends with their exes, I automatically deemed them a psychopath lmao.
 
platocplx said:
hell no. She burned me by calling off our engagement after 5 months being engaged and being together for nearly 4 years. Screw her.
Click to expand...

This is like exactly what happened to me. She wanted to be friends with me a few months later and I told her "no". She got all upset and started crying. I plainly told her that I still had feelings for her and I wanted more than friends while she didn't and that wasn't going to work. Never spoke to her again.
 
Kisaya said:
I always found it very narcissistic of people to be still communicating with their exes. There's a difference between being cool with your ex and another to be keeping in touch with them often.

Every time a person I was interested in told me they were friends with their exes, I automatically deemed them a psychopath lmao.
Click to expand...

People often become good friends with their lovers, or were already friends before they became lovers. If it doesn't work out romantically, but you can still remain friends, why would you give that up? I fail to see how ending the romantic relationship amicably and remaining friends or even just acquaintances who communicate occasionally makes you either narcissistic or a psychopath. You should probably look up what those words actually mean.
 
I think this thread would be more interesting if people also answered whether they currently had a new SO.

On my part---no. No communication with SO. And we ended on friendly terms.
 
All the time. We're still good friends. We dated for four years.

And as per the recommendation of the post above me. I'm seeing someone new and have been for 6 months.
 
Kisaya said:
I always found it very narcissistic of people to be still communicating with their exes. There's a difference between being cool with your ex and another to be keeping in touch with them often.

Every time a person I was interested in told me they were friends with their exes, I automatically deemed them a psychopath lmao.
Click to expand...
As with all things in life, different strokes for different folks.
 
xelios said:
People often become good friends with their lovers, or were already friends before they became lovers. If it doesn't work out romantically, but you can still remain friends, why would you give that up? I fail to see how ending the romantic relationship amicably and remaining friends or even just acquaintances who communicate occasionally makes you either narcissistic or a psychopath. You should probably look up what those words actually mean.
Click to expand...

There are so many people in the world that I can make excellent friendships out of, why should I hold on to a relationship that didn't work out for me? Keeping in touch with those past relationships just feels like attention craving. Just move on.

zoukka said:
Grow up.
Click to expand...

You should too by not bothering your exes :)
 
Kisaya said:
I always found it very narcissistic of people to be still communicating with their exes. There's a difference between being cool with your ex and another to be keeping in touch with them often.

Every time a person I was interested in told me they were friends with their exes, I automatically deemed them a psychopath lmao.
Click to expand...

Grow up.
 
Kisaya said:
There are so many people in the world that I can make excellent friendships out of, why should I hold on to a relationship that didn't work out for me? Keeping in touch with those past relationships just feels like attention craving. Just move on.
Click to expand...
People break up for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they still really like each other but aren't feeling it romantically/sexually anymore. Sometimes people just get bored.
 
zoukka said:
In my experience, sensible, secure adults are rare indeed. That doesn't mean anyone should listen to the terrible advice given by immature, insecure people in this thread. It reads like everyone still was in highschool.
Click to expand...
People and relationships are complex.

Sometimes it's just easier to move on.

Moreover, this is the rule. You friends-with-exes folks are the exception.

I don't get why someone's relational preferences are being attacked. If people don't want to be friends with exes it's their business.
 
entremet said:
People and relationships are complex.

Sometimes it's just easier to move on.

Moreover, this is the rule. You friends-with-exes folks are the exception.

I don't get why someone's relational preferences are being attacked. If people don't want to be friends with exes it's their business.
Click to expand...

I didn't attack anyone, the only people attacked in this thread are those who communicate with their exes. It's completely fine not to and often the easiest solution since many people are insecure and don't like their SO's being in touch with their exes.
 
Nope. We work together, and she ignores me every time we meet, locking eyes at something else, like she's a deer in the headlights.

I said I wanted us to still be able to hang out because I didn't feel our break up was that bad, and she said she agreed.

Boy was I wrong, she hated my guts for us breaking up.
 
Yes.

I've only been in one relationship and I still communicate with my ex every once in a while. We finished things in good terms and consider each other good friends.

Not much to say. It's good I guess
 
It's split up. I still communicate with one of my exes every once in a while. Another I'm friends with on Facebook and we'll talk once in a blue moon.

On the other hand, one of my exes hates me irrationally and another I've got a severe dislike towards (perhaps also irrationally?) but nonetheless I don't speak with either of them ever.
 
-COOLIO- said:
People break up for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they still really like each other but aren't feeling it romantically/sexually anymore. Sometimes people just get bored.
Click to expand...

Why keep in touch with a boring, failed relationship? Like I said I think it's fine being cool with your ex, I just don't see the point in frequent communication.
 
Kisaya said:
Why keep in touch with a boring, failed relationship? Like I said I think it's fine being cool with your ex, I just don't see the point in frequent communication.
Click to expand...
Being boring romantically is different from being boring in general. People typically see there SOs more frequently than they see their friends. And being bored of someone sexually can have nothing to do with the personality. Some folks just crave variety when it comes to sex, even if the non-physical aspect of the relationship is great.

Edit: also, just because a relationship ended doesn't mean it failed.
 
I keep in contact with all but one of my ex's in some way, that's the beauty of relationships that end without any hatred or hurt feelings toward each other. My main serious ex (in which an engagement happened) I am still super close with, but more on a "family friend" type level (actually get along with her and consider her to be like a sister to me, more than my actual sister).

Admittedly I don't see the majority frequently, probably a good thing too. I might bump into some and say hi every couple of months or so. Another ex lives in another country but we still e-mail a lot and skype from time to time.

My last proper relationship ruined the concept of communicating with an ex. She cheated and broke my heart...... I should have hated her for it, I didn't at the time (how things have ended up changed my point of view a little). Cheats on me, tells me that she still loves me to death but can no longer be with me. Cuts off all communication, when she previously said she never wanted me out of her life (granted yes plans and opinions change lol). A few weeks go by and she starts trying to contact me out of the blue, I didn't respond back. I wanted to but I took friends advice (whom I previously ignored when they basically told me the outcome of the relationship months before it happened) that said she either a) wanted to find out about my life so she would no longer feel guilty about her bad decision orrrrr b) would have used me until she found a better situation and dump me yet again. Still find it puzzling yet amusing that after her big needing to find herself speech, she got pregnant to another guy rather quickly after me!
 
Just anecdotal, but most of the people I've met who don't want their SO's to have any sort of contact with their exes, are very jealous insecure.

My ex was in contact with her ex, and it was completely fine for me because their break up was pretty recent, they had been together for five years and they still had to sort some practical things out (also he was very emotionally unstable and she of course still cared for him in some way). But she told me, that she could not have let me do the same if the roles were reversed.

She in general was very insecure and had a lot of issues with doubt and fright of being alone, so it made sense.

I'm not exactly the opposite of that, but I had complete trust in her because I respected her. I also see the whole thing from a very pragmatical point of view, in the sense that if your SO will be unfaithful, it's going to happen, you're not in a relationship you have complete faith in, and trying to micro manage the situation will only postpone the inevitable.

My best friend is the most chill dude ever, and he and his SO are fucking perfect together, so neither of them have any doubt about their relationship and thus allow each other to hang out with anyone they want.
 
OP if your ex is a friend and an important part of your life then your current SO should be OK with that. Insecurity can make us act funny, if she can't accept your commitment to her, your relationship may not have a strong enough foundation.
 
yes I do, with almost all of them, but only on occasions.

I'm still fond of them, they have been important in my life. I still care.
 
One of them I still have as a friend on Facebook but we don't really interact or seem to care much about each others lives, one is a very close friend that I talk to almost daily, and one was an abusive piece of shit and we mutually parted ways forever for the best.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Do you still run a virus scan on your PC?
16
543
ReBurn replied
Why do they still allow that film format? Letterboxing
2
58
1K
VulcanRaven replied
Thanksgiving - Do you decorate your house?
12
515
Pagusas replied
  • Poll
Halloween - do you decorate your house?
46
934
thief183 replied
Do you get private messages?
2
50
422
Dr Bass replied
Top Bottom