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GAF, I need advice. Save myself or save my parent who can't save herself?
- Thread starter InfiniteBento
- Start date
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Jeronimo Jones
Member
I never really visit the OT side, but this topic was at the top when I hopped on, and I guess I never expected such a serious and sobering topic.
OP, I think it's brave of you to ask for advice/help and agree that you need to find a way to get yourself in a better situation before you are able to help your mom. If you sit down and explain this to her and she doesn't get it, staying could likely sacrifice both of your well-being.
I don't think your mom has been totally honest about her money/job situation in the past and you should not feel bad asking for more information about how she's handling her finances if she doesn't feel bad about asking for money. You've already been taking on the role of a parent, whether she admits it or not.
You really should have your own bank account that she has no access to. Ally accounts are free to set up with no minimum deposit, but there is a verification where you have to return a signature card to them by mail or fax, so that may take several days.
I don't know how much it helps, but I think you've been put in a very tough situation and wish you the best.
Edit:Not to be preachy, you have to always save some money for emergencies, and never give someone your last unless you have a way to make more... if you had given a little less to your mom, your moves would be that much closer to being made.
OP, I think it's brave of you to ask for advice/help and agree that you need to find a way to get yourself in a better situation before you are able to help your mom. If you sit down and explain this to her and she doesn't get it, staying could likely sacrifice both of your well-being.
I don't think your mom has been totally honest about her money/job situation in the past and you should not feel bad asking for more information about how she's handling her finances if she doesn't feel bad about asking for money. You've already been taking on the role of a parent, whether she admits it or not.
You really should have your own bank account that she has no access to. Ally accounts are free to set up with no minimum deposit, but there is a verification where you have to return a signature card to them by mail or fax, so that may take several days.
I don't know how much it helps, but I think you've been put in a very tough situation and wish you the best.
Edit:Not to be preachy, you have to always save some money for emergencies, and never give someone your last unless you have a way to make more... if you had given a little less to your mom, your moves would be that much closer to being made.
InfiniteBento
Member
Thank you. I'm currently setting up the Ally account as we speak. Hopefully, I can get enough funds to see me through getting a ticket to leave.
I've also contacted my father, although we haven't spoken in a very long time, to see if i can get a new military ID.
Its really difficult taking on so much at my age. I've been juggling being the head of household for so long that now that I'm trying to leave.....its all so confusing to figure out. I haven't done much on my own for myself in a while and also being left in the dark about my own information makes this a shit ton harder to do.
Featheredkitten
Banned
I don't know why you haven't spoken to your father in so long, but this may be the chance you two need to reconnect. I hope it all works out for you. Don't look back!
InfiniteBento
Member
He abused my mother, my brother, and tortured her for a very long time.
Its very difficult to connect to someone who did that in front of you as a child.
Reaganomics
Member
As a lot of others suggested, I'd leave.
For bus or train tickets, you'll need a valid ID for transportation (bus depots check your ticket and ID before you get on the bus, I believe trains only ask for the ticket information)
I'd work on figuring out the ID situation first and foremost. Hopefully your father will help with the military ID, if not, check around the city for plasma donation centers who typically offer compensation for a donation. If you're afraid of needles, look around online like on Craigslist for oddjobs if you can. I imagine you don't look homeless at all, I've never thought about it before but perhaps checking out local businesses to see if they need any help on the side for something small and ask for a bit of payment. Otherwise, mow some lawns, wash some cars, try to find people around you who need something done that you can help with.
For bus or train tickets, you'll need a valid ID for transportation (bus depots check your ticket and ID before you get on the bus, I believe trains only ask for the ticket information)
I'd work on figuring out the ID situation first and foremost. Hopefully your father will help with the military ID, if not, check around the city for plasma donation centers who typically offer compensation for a donation. If you're afraid of needles, look around online like on Craigslist for oddjobs if you can. I imagine you don't look homeless at all, I've never thought about it before but perhaps checking out local businesses to see if they need any help on the side for something small and ask for a bit of payment. Otherwise, mow some lawns, wash some cars, try to find people around you who need something done that you can help with.
JinjoUnchained
Member
I have an older relative who is like this. She gets some money from Social Security and some from inheritance. Her problem is that she is a gambling addict and blows whatever money she has on my meth head cousin and uncle. The only solution was for my parents to take control of her finances. They have it set up so that her inheritance/Social Security directly pays her rent and necessities. She never touches it, only what's left over as a little bit of carrying around money. She's always guilting people for money and is very secretive about it. We just have to be strong and stick with the plan.
My advice would be to tell your mom that you will only help her if she agrees to an arrangement like that. If she says no, then be nice and loving, remind her that the offer always stands, but that you can't help her otherwise. DO NOT sell your stuff or ruin your future just to give her some money.
My advice would be to tell your mom that you will only help her if she agrees to an arrangement like that. If she says no, then be nice and loving, remind her that the offer always stands, but that you can't help her otherwise. DO NOT sell your stuff or ruin your future just to give her some money.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
What do you need for the birth certificate? Do you just fill out info online and pay or?
InfiniteBento
Member
Its about $30 + fees to fill out my information online + pay and they send it to me after 3-4 weeks. Its up in Jersey City, New Jersey.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Looks like they dropped it down to $12 plus fees. Do you have a way to call them? The only thing that worries me is it says a credit card in your name on the site. I'm close to jersey city but I don't know if that helps any. Find out if payment needs to be in your name, I can help pay for it if it doesn't need to be. Let me know.
This might sound cold, but get out while you can. I have too much experience with family doing the exact same shit to me to feel any sympathy towards your mom.
As previously stated, you are the child, it's not your job to take care of her mistakes.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you decide to take.
As previously stated, you are the child, it's not your job to take care of her mistakes.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you decide to take.
InfiniteBento
Member
InfiniteBento
Member
Edit: Wrong link. This one - http://www.state.nj.us/health/vital/nongen.shtml
Says its $25. I dont know how to get someone else to do it for me but I can call and find out if its possible. Maybe i can figure out a way to get it and then have it mailed so it doesnt take 4 weeks?
Jesus OP. I'm really sorry you're in this shitty situation. I have no experience in these matters but my advice would be to get yourself out first, then try and help your mom once you're stable. Unfortunately she's going to have to take care of herself well enough in the meantime. She should understand - part of being a parent means you want your children to succeed.
I'll donate some money to your cause. Best of luck.
I'll donate some money to your cause. Best of luck.
UncleSporky
Member
I don't feel like there is much to say that hasn't already been said, and I don't want to sound patronizing or anything...but good on you for being so decisive and taking action here. So many people hem and haw for too long. I know you may already have. But responding so strongly to this thread is great to see. Get your life back, stay confident, you can do this!
InfiniteBento
Member
Thank you. I dont have a bank account quite yet that isnt linked to my mother but hopefully the GoFundMe thing will work out. Although I've never used it before ;____;
Im gonna try to get a new bank account before the week is up.
Thank you so much. Talking to you guys really gave me some much needed insight. Im going to do all that I can and sell all that I can to get out of here and finally get to school + get a job going.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Ah, I clicked the bubble that said online requests on that page and it had a banner about something dropping from $30 to $12 so I thought you were referencing that.
I'm not sure to be honest since I never needed mine replaced but I'm close enough that I can go there if need be. Let me know if you find anything out. I'm willing to help.
evil solrac v3.0
Member
I am you right now. but 12 years older, save yourself family is just people you share DNA with. she doesn'ty want to save herself and you don't have the money to do it.
InfiniteBento
Member
OH OH OH that says this:
"Additional processing fee of $5, online authentication fee of $5 (non-refundable) and $12 shipping fee via UPS carrier."
So it ends up being $22. I think I can round up the appropriate documents for it tonight. I'll PM you once I get it all together. Thanks for helping me out. I really appreciate it.
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Yeah, that's the part I read to think it was dropped to $22. I'll keep an eye out for your pm tonight. Good luck.
From what I can see...it's a bit more than $22. I believe the $22 is the shipping cost for next day air (after the 3-4 weeks processing time)
InfiniteBento
Member
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Don't worry about the price.CrapThis site is so confusing to read.
InfiniteBento
Member
:') Thank you so much. You guys are the closest thing I've had to support in a very long time. I can't thank you enough for helping me. Thank you thank you thank you.
Omg. Thank you. I'll PM you tonight. Thank you so much.
Crap
This part in the process was always going to be slow, don't get discouraged.
InfiniteBento
Member
The fact that someone is even willing to help me get a new birth certificate makes me want to cry.
Just getting this help is so overwhelming because before this thread, i felt absolutely hopeless.
InfiniteBento
Member
I have an expired military id i carry around along with my social card + student id from when i went to school last year. So far, those 3 together have been enough confirmation as to my identity.
weemadarthur
Member
You also need to call all utilities, cellular carriers, banks, paypal, etc. and make sure your name is not on any accounts as a user or anything. If you have any joint accounts bills can be run up that you will be responsible for. If everything is properly separate, you cannot be held responsible for parents' debt.
Best wishes to you. I think the posters who recommend handing your mom a list of shelters, suicide hotlines, and government agencies on your way out the door are on to something. She may never use them, but it may make YOU feel better.
Best wishes to you. I think the posters who recommend handing your mom a list of shelters, suicide hotlines, and government agencies on your way out the door are on to something. She may never use them, but it may make YOU feel better.
AlteredForms
Banned
I don't wish to sound like a d**k or anything, but OP looks pretty beautiful in that picture. A natural beauty. Granted, I say that to every girl I see. But in all seriousness, I would put some thought into your decision of going to college. You need a degree that is in demand and a good job on the side to pay for expenses.
As a sidenote, try to get to Portland by cross-country couch or something. Surely that is much cheaper than a plane ticket.
As a sidenote, try to get to Portland by cross-country couch or something. Surely that is much cheaper than a plane ticket.
Sounds like something fishy is going on with your mom re: welfare & food stamps. She might have been accused of defrauding the welfare office and so they revoked all future food stamps, or she's somehow making more money that disqualifies her. The fact that she won't let you investigate, reapply, or tell you anything further, leads me to believe that she's banned for wrongdoings.
But like everyone else has said, you need to take care of yourself first before your mom. Get a credit report on yourself ASAP (https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action). Everyone is entitled to 1 free credit report per year, make sure yours is clean and accurate and that your mom hasn't been abusing your credit.
From now on, you need separate accounts and do not share with her or anyone else. Separate bank account, separate email, separate credit cards, everything. Get copies and originals of all your info, your Social Security card, Birth Certificate, License, Passport, etc. Keep them safe, so you can move and set up more easily in your new place.
But like everyone else has said, you need to take care of yourself first before your mom. Get a credit report on yourself ASAP (https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action). Everyone is entitled to 1 free credit report per year, make sure yours is clean and accurate and that your mom hasn't been abusing your credit.
From now on, you need separate accounts and do not share with her or anyone else. Separate bank account, separate email, separate credit cards, everything. Get copies and originals of all your info, your Social Security card, Birth Certificate, License, Passport, etc. Keep them safe, so you can move and set up more easily in your new place.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Do not put your life on hold to save a parent who's shown time and time again that they aren't responsible. You are their legacy, they are meant to sacrifice their life to ensure you live a long and fulfilling life - not the other way around.
I know this sounds harsh as hell, because it is, but you are never, ever responsible for your parents, Infinite Bento. If you can help them without it hurting you, then by all means do so, but otherwise you need to take care of number 1 (you.)
I know this sounds harsh as hell, because it is, but you are never, ever responsible for your parents, Infinite Bento. If you can help them without it hurting you, then by all means do so, but otherwise you need to take care of number 1 (you.)
Jason's Ultimatum
Member
oh creepy GAF. Never change.
as for the op's, it must be really hard cutting out your own mother. Families are always rising and falling in America.
Eye for an Eye
Member
Don't screw around with this. You need an ID, social security card, and birth certificate if you want to get anywhere in life. Its much harder to get when you're not in the state. This needs to be your first priority and nothing else.
Do not leave the state until you have it. Or else you'll be worse off than your mother.
CapNBritain
Member
You're a good person. Good luck and take care of yourself.
I was going to post the same thing. It's easy to do and will save you from nasty surprises later.
Good luck, you're doing the right thing. I put off college for almost 20 years to help others out first and I do regret it even if I am enjoying the college life now.
InfiniteBento
Member
I will do so over the course of the few days ahead. Thank you for the advice. I REALLY hope she didn't mess with my credit
lol random but thank you. I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Nothing is going to stop me once I get where I need to be.
I had no idea you can get a free credit report. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS INFO. I will look into it and make sure she didn't fuck up my credit.
Thank you. These words make me feel stronger than ever before. Truly, thank you.
If I can make it out there, I will hopefully end this chain of negativity in her life but only after I establish my future first.
I am focusing on getting my birth certificate and then my ID. I have my social. I just need those other two. Someone on here is offering to get my birth certificate. Once thats done, I can get an ID after rounding up some money.
Thank you so much :')
You're doing the right thing by getting yourself out of that toxic situation! Don't let the guilt cloud that fact.
I can't donate until I get paid tomorrow, but I will definitely do so.
If you find yourself in the Sacramento, CA area and end up needing a place to crash for a night or two on your way up to Portland, my roommate and I live in a house with a spare bedroom. I mean that in the least creepy way possible.
Good luck and keep us up to date!
I can't donate until I get paid tomorrow, but I will definitely do so.
If you find yourself in the Sacramento, CA area and end up needing a place to crash for a night or two on your way up to Portland, my roommate and I live in a house with a spare bedroom. I mean that in the least creepy way possible.
Good luck and keep us up to date!
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Oh yeah, do make sure you get an ID/passport/whatever it is you guys use in the USA, it sounds like it would be tricky if you're doing it in another state.
weemadarthur
Member
((((InfiniteBento))))
In case you need a hug while everyone is offline.
In case you need a hug while everyone is offline.
InfiniteBento
Member
Thank you so much. Currently, I'm packing all my stuff. I got boxes from Spirit Halloween and I've managed to get all my books and things packed. Making pretty good progress but still have a ton to do :/
That offer is greatly appreciated. Depending on how I get up there, I'll definitely let you know. Thanks SO much though. I can't express how grateful I am.
Currently, going to gather information to get my birth certificate and hit up the gaffer who said they would pay to get it for me. :') Hoping I can get away with an expired id and my social for verification. :/
((((InfiniteBento))))
In case you need a hug while everyone is offline.
You're sweet <3
InfiniteBento
Member
Also huge question, My mother owes the IRS. If i make a new bank account will they take what she owes from me????? (((
(((SquiddyCracker
Banned
Also huge question, My mother owes the IRS. If i make a new bank account will they take what she owes from me?????
It sounds like they could only take money from you in the first place since it was a shared account with your mother. If you make a new one, yeah, it sounds like they can't take it since it is your money - unless you transfer it from the shared account.
You need legal-gaf for this though.
InfiniteBento
Member
Damn. Can you link me?
Also, I didn't know GofundMe took fees from the donations. They are going to take $40 :/ Fuck.
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