Rayven_king
Member
salva said:
yeah dont overthink it, you should be happy you found a girl who is confident enough to be the one to make the first move, you've just experienced the opposite some of what some of the posters on here have to deal with
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yeah dont overthink it, you should be happy you found a girl who is confident enough to be the one to make the first move, you've just experienced the opposite some of what some of the posters on here have to deal with
Yes, yes, and we used to see each other a lot but I was only able to see her in person twice over break.DeathNote said:
Thanks for the suggestions guys...I think I fucked up and maybe that was enough for the silent treatment. Not all my fault, but I felt like I had to apologize at least for being a jerk about one thing. I want to think the stuff I sent her before this started might make her reconsider, but doesn't look likely...she isn't even blocking me online like I said before which makes this really confusing
By the way besides those few questions about her stress at school and a lot of phone calls the day after the shit-call (yeah, yeah, i know) I haven't tried to reach her either.
Broke up with the girl I've been seeing for a few months. Cool girl, got along with her great, hated to do it but she was moving a lot faster through the stages of a relationship than I was, and she was already showing signs of jealousy/insecurity around my female friends.
The insecurity bit felt like a dealbreaker. Sucks. I'll admit I've overly sensitive to it (my ex-wife ran my life by projecting her insecurity onto me), but after I broke things off my friends told me they'd seen it to. I just can't be in a relationship where I don't feel like I can do my own thing without having someone worry that I'm running around on them.
Gonna be on my own and enjoy hanging out w/ my friends for a while.
It's odd, with one relationship now between my marriage (with my ex-wife from 17 to 30) and whatever's next I feel even more skeptical about things. When you're fundamentally rejected, you worry that you won't find someone else that's into you. Then you do, but you realize that you also have to be into them, and at the same level. I'm not all Eeyore about it (I've got my Barney Stinson on), but it really does feel like a needle-in-the-haystack thing.
I'm obviously not the best person to give advice (see above), but two things:
1. My ex didn't understand how stressful school was for me (we were long distance in college). When things hit the fan with class, I needed space, and she'd go into the any-attention-is-good-attention mode. The night before an exam I could expect a fight with her because she knew it was the only way to keep me on the phone.
If school / work is stressing her out, trust her on it. Let her see you as a nice break from stress, not another source of it. I'm the most anti passive-aggressive person around, but giving a stressed out person some room isn't passive-aggressive.
2. If she's not being completely honest about the stress being the reason for her actions, then I'm going to have to quote Swingers:
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
The insecurity bit felt like a dealbreaker. Sucks. I'll admit I've overly sensitive to it (my ex-wife ran my life by projecting her insecurity onto me), but after I broke things off my friends told me they'd seen it to. I just can't be in a relationship where I don't feel like I can do my own thing without having someone worry that I'm running around on them.
Gonna be on my own and enjoy hanging out w/ my friends for a while.
It's odd, with one relationship now between my marriage (with my ex-wife from 17 to 30) and whatever's next I feel even more skeptical about things. When you're fundamentally rejected, you worry that you won't find someone else that's into you. Then you do, but you realize that you also have to be into them, and at the same level. I'm not all Eeyore about it (I've got my Barney Stinson on), but it really does feel like a needle-in-the-haystack thing.
Formless said:
I'm obviously not the best person to give advice (see above), but two things:
1. My ex didn't understand how stressful school was for me (we were long distance in college). When things hit the fan with class, I needed space, and she'd go into the any-attention-is-good-attention mode. The night before an exam I could expect a fight with her because she knew it was the only way to keep me on the phone.
If school / work is stressing her out, trust her on it. Let her see you as a nice break from stress, not another source of it. I'm the most anti passive-aggressive person around, but giving a stressed out person some room isn't passive-aggressive.
2. If she's not being completely honest about the stress being the reason for her actions, then I'm going to have to quote Swingers:
Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
TomServo said:
Bolded because I think this is the core fear that those seeking advice in this thread hold (myself included), and why there's so much inactivity.
If girl A rejects me, is this a reflection on my attractiveness in general and will B, C and D etc share the same sentiment? Is this a valid fear? Probably not, but it's a real one.
MoxManiac said:
Yup.
I think that's why I was bagging on the "kino" term (agian, the term, not the concept) and the general PUA mentality. Yes, there's a game. Yes, you have to play it. Yes, it helps to have some strats going in (I've got my own). I don't think it's the best thing for guys that are on NeoGAF (myself included).
I'm assuming we're all intelligent folks accustomed to thinking things through analytically - just like a video game. I think where the PUA thing fails for guys like us is that there's no substitution for getting out there, trying, and getting your ass kicked.
I'm gonna nerd out and keep going with the video game analogy. Think of your typical fighting game. I pick it up the first time, mash some buttons, and get my ass kicked. I read some basic strats, probably more than I can digest early on. Still get my ass kicked but I'm starting to see what works for me. Eventually, I start to string together enough "hey, that works for me" moments that I win a round or two, maybe even the odd match. I stick with it, maybe pick up some more strats that I can understand better now than when I first started, and pretty soon I'm winning enough that the losses don't sting like they used to.
deadbeef said:I've got a lot in common with you - Divorced GAF represent !
Feel free to talk it out. Divorce is brutal. Getting back out there after divorce is more difficult than starting from nothing, IMHO, because you're jaded about trust, love, commitment, etc.
It's been nine months since I seperated from my ex, and I'm still healing. Again, not Eeyore about it, but I'd be lying if I said shit wasn't still raw.
Johnlenham
Member
hectorse said:
heh, when I go out with my gf and her girl mates I somehow end up as everybodys BF :lol
"Sorry I have a boy friend"
/points at me
Its used to get rid of weirdos or people they are just not into (unfortunaly for the poor sods )
It will be two years Sunday since we separated (yep left on valentines day - bad luck), but it took like 18 months pr more before I had the desire to even considered another relationship. The thought of it is still scary because of the trust issues - not sure about opening up like that again. Divorce was not my idea btw.TomServo said:
MoxManiac said:
I understand the fear, but your mistake is allowing others to define your self worth. Why are you giving people that power over you?
When I was more overweight I used to be really sensitive about it. I was only about 15-20 pounds too heavy, but I was always hoping that no one would notice, and if they didn't then in my mind I wasn't really fat. If they classified me as skinny, then I was skinny! But if someone thought I was fat, well that became reality too. It doesn't work that way. In truth, my gut didn't grow and shrink based on what other people thought. Coming to terms with this, and then facing that I needed to make some changes is what helped me be less self concious about it and start being comfortable in my own skin.
If I were you, I'd take an honest inventory of myself. Decide what you like and what you don't. Start changing and improving what is within your power to change, and anything that's unchangeable.....well that's just the hand you've been dealt. If you can't change it, don't dwell on it.
practice02
Banned
Long distant relationships are a lot of work. I remember my first girlfriend went to school in Ohio I stayed in California to attend art school in San Francisco. Long story short I flew out to visit her on a long weekend that also happend to be my birthday weekend showed up thing seemed fine had dinner went to a party got back to her dorm room, started to have sex halfway through she started to crying telling me that she was cheating on me with her RA. Her and the RA are married now. I digress, how long have you been seeing this girl? How old are you?Formless said:
Sometimes a girl will let you know she has a boyfriend to let you know how the rest of the interactions with her will unfold. Sometimes they are telling the turth and implying that yes they have a boyfriend your not going to be theirs, but are looking to get fucked." in my experience 25% of the time that is what's going on.RobertM said:
deadbeef said:
Divorce wasn't my idea either. I think back to the things I was doing to try to save the marriage and just think "WTF?" Who was I back then?
I've had tremendous support from family and friends. Talking to people who've been through it helped. Trust is a perfectly normal fear for us. One of my friends, divorced at 28, now remarried with two kids told me "I'll never trust anyone like I did my first wife". I was stunned - this guy is happy as a clam w/ his family now, not bitter, a genuinely good person. But listening to him it's almost as if the level of trust he had before was unhealthy or unrealistic.
I've found that we're scary to people that have never been married. So many people think divorce is the end of the world (I got some nasty comments in another thread thrown at me from married GAF for daring to state that I'm a happy, healthy person who survived divorce), and we've seen that life can and does go on. I think that's an intimidating thing, and I've seen it in just about every relationship where one partner has been divorced and the other hasn't.
Bottom line is that problems w/ trust are totally normal.
Slo said:
Awesome advice.
Slo said:
I'm already aware and agree with this advice and I'm trying, slo. It's not an overnight process and the irrational fear/anxiety is still there.
The main thing I 'hate' about myself is, in typical nerd fashion, narrow interests. I never really expanded much outside gaming and it's close relatives, mainly due to depression/horrible things going on in my life. Pretty familiar story, no?
It kind hit home to me yesterday when I was in the doctor's office. I started having a casual conversation with a guy in the waiting room and the subject of the super bowl came up - which I had missed and I don't follow any sports anyways. I essentially had to keep a conversation going while knowing nothing of the subject matter - which I was able to do, but still. It was kinda like, holy fuck i'm boring and don't have much in common with (most) people. I imagine it would be even more catastrophic when dating.
So that's my main goal; become a better rounded person.
Squall ASF
Member
MoxManiac said:
That is a good goal. If you find more interests to fill your life with, you'll be a more happy and confident person. Just as lack of confidence and anxiety are evident to girls, so is the natural projection of confidence and optimism. Seriously, when you get your life in a good place, everything else will start falling in line.
J-Roderton
Member
Cryptozoologist said:
Perfect
I don't know where I'm going with this but here goes.
Last week I travelled Int'l on business. I attended a show with a female colleague. Short story, we went out every night after work, consumed alcohol and flirted. After the first 2 nights I was sure I was going to get laid so I was a bit more aggressive the next night. Everything seemed to be going alright but at the end of the night, she didn't step into my hotel room. Later on, I noticed she had a bunch of tampons in her bag. Boner gone.
Still, the next time we see each other will be in Las Vegas and, if she's not having her period, I'm pretty sure it's going to happen. She even said office flings are fine! However, I am inexperienced in office flings. Player-Gaf, what has been you experience with office flings?
Last week I travelled Int'l on business. I attended a show with a female colleague. Short story, we went out every night after work, consumed alcohol and flirted. After the first 2 nights I was sure I was going to get laid so I was a bit more aggressive the next night. Everything seemed to be going alright but at the end of the night, she didn't step into my hotel room. Later on, I noticed she had a bunch of tampons in her bag. Boner gone.
Still, the next time we see each other will be in Las Vegas and, if she's not having her period, I'm pretty sure it's going to happen. She even said office flings are fine! However, I am inexperienced in office flings. Player-Gaf, what has been you experience with office flings?
Squall ASF
Member
otake said:
It really boils down to one factor: Will she keep her mouth shut? I've personally had a few runs myself and in all of them I made sure the lady was as concerned of it getting out as I. That kind of thing can spread like wildfire in a work environment and effect your career in unanticipated ways. It can be dangerous waters to brave, but if you feel confident that she will keep it on the down low, have yourself a good time. BTW, it's not sufficient to have that conversation with her and she 'says' she won't say anything. You want to take a look at how serious she takes her career and if she's particularly gossipy. It's not worth it if you believe she will confide in anyone at work! Tread carefully!
practice02
Banned
IMO, and I said this to my girlfriends little brother who is also going off to college in the fall. Don't enter college with a girlfriend it won't be fun. Best thing that ever happend to me was finding out that girl was cheating on me. Sure I was sad for a few months but after that I met a lot of great women who taught me somethings about life. So if you feel like you are putting in more then you are getting out of a situation cut off now, It will only get worse and cost more the longer you drag it out. Who knows, maybe circumstance is putting you and this girl at odds and one day when the time is right you'll meet up again and pick up where you left off.Formless said:
Do you want everyone in your office to know what sounds you make in bed, and what your dick looks like?otake said:
Some friends and I are going to play the rejection game next time we go to the bars. The idea is simple; the guy who gets rejected the most time in one night wins. A few ground rules to make the game fair. When you engage a girl you must either be rejected or get some kind of close (getting a number or a kiss) to end the interaction. You cannot say anything more bold than "You wanna make out right now". The man who gets rejected the most drinks free next time. Good thing about the rejection game is if you lose, you still win!
jamesinclair
Banned
salva said:
Why WTF? There's nothing wrong with going to a movie with a parent. Im 22 and went to see princess and the frog with my MOM 2 weeks ago.
The fact that she has a good relationship with her parents is a GOOD thing.
I was happy but I guess I expected more from the relationship -- and that ticked her off eventually.practice02 said:
I think I'll just wait til after this weekend...she'll get my pre-fight letters and if she doesn't say anything she doesn't/won't care...you can't make someone miss you when they have a new busy environment
TomServo said:
Thanks for your insights. But she hasn't told me to back away with words or given a reason, so I wasn't sure at all. I don't know whether to call her and try to just make her feel better about me or in general, or just wait for the stress to dip slightly.
entremet
Member
Pick something that you always wanted to explore and do it for a year. Repeat this every year and you'll be pretty well rounded by a lifetime. One year maybe explore gourmet cooking, another other dancing. The plus side that those classes are usually filled with mostly women. But it can be anything--snowboarding, extreme sports, whatever. I'd also try to book a vacation once a year overseas.MoxManiac said:
Tornado Condor
Member
Rayven_king said:
jamesinclair said:
You guys are right. I'm overthinking
practice02
Banned
Did it cross your mind to just admit you don't know about the superbowl and ask questions about it. I don't like sports or most T.V. shows but usually when some one starts talking about one or the other instead of faking like I know about it I'll say "Oh, I'm not really into that but break it down for me" and ask according questions people like to share on subject they are into. It will also make you a better listener and inform you on subjects people my bring up in other conversations.MoxManiac said:
BronzeWolf
Banned
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practice02 said:
This is great. And the reason it's great is because to that guy, it comes across like you actually give a shit about what he has to say. People like that. You like that when it's done to you. Think about it if the situation was reversed. Let's say you're in the waiting room just chatting casually and you drop some awesome nerdery knowledge on this guy, and he completely shuts down and acts disinterested towards you. What would you think about that? You probably wouldn't just assume that he felt inferior to your nerd-cred and didn't know how to respond to you, rather you'd probably jump to the conclusion that the guy thinks you're a loser and no longer wants to talk to you. I bet that you'd probably run to your favorite message board and write an emo post about it.
Well, that's probably how that guy felt in his conversation.This conversation thing isn't that hard, you just need to engage other people the same way you'd like to be engaged. People are trying to get the same things out of it that you are. If you're not being engaging, then you're rejecting.
This exactly. You're sitting there worried about people rejecting you and that causes you to close down a conversation when in fact by doing so, you become the one who's rejecting the other person whether or not you're conscious of it. The purpose here is to discuss it, rationalize it and understand the objective situation. If you know you have this power, then try to be more aware of it next you speak to someone.Slo said:
The_Inquisitor
Member
Well I just had the most amazing evening in a long time. She drove over and proceeded to start watching Olympic coverage. I made my usual cheesy jokes and we ate a frozen pizza. I was working on homework and I jokingly told her I shouldn't be doing homework on a Friday evening. She agreed with me. The next part I am not going to outline, but lets just say she has an amazing body.
First time with having a date w/ asian girl. God damn what have I missed? :lol
First time with having a date w/ asian girl. God damn what have I missed? :lol
SquallASF said:
Well, who am I kidding. You're absolutely right, there is no way for me to be sure she will keep her mouth shut and usually these kinds of girls are crazy. Best not fuck and just jerk off. Don't know what I was thinking. Thanks.
I was thinking of just calling to make sure she got my flower delivery (I ordered them a long time ago, and the message isn't too romantic, tried to be 'funny'). Not a good idea? (Probably)DeathNote said:
When she started ignoring me and I could tell it was obvious, I was really down, a little better now. I'm not gonna lie and say she wasn't a huge part of my life, but she's not everything. Her nature is to not want to see/hear me be sad, and maybe she just doesn't want to say it, so I'm sort of already in breakup mode.
Formless said:
Don't call about the flowers, she will call if she feels like it. If you got the address right she will get them, otherwise the flower company will likely call you if they can't deliver them to her.
Accept that the relationship is likely over. Like Tom Servo said, when a woman gets like this there is nothing you can do to make her want to be with you. Your attempts at this will likely have the opposite effect.
As I said before, if there is a chance at all, you gotta let her come to you. If you act like you care too much, like you've been doing, expect more silent treatment.
If you confront her, like james sinclair said, then that would be the excuse she needs to finally say it's over and let you go.
BronzeWolf
Banned
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Soooooo a few pages ago, I asked what was a good way to make the transition from lab partner to girlfriend, and got some joke responses and was told to try to hang out w/ her outside of class. Anyway, I found out she isn't that good at chemistry so I offered to do homework with her on monday, and I figured I can flirt/joke/be super affable. Is this a good plan, or does it just establish me more as a lab partner? I figure it was an easy way to hang out w/ her outside of class quite early without being weird and creepy about it.
Please help me GAF. She's really cute, and has played every zelda game. Even zelda II which I can't even get out of the first area.
Please help me GAF. She's really cute, and has played every zelda game. Even zelda II which I can't even get out of the first area.
BronzeWolf
Banned
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Ultima_5 said:
I think it's a bad plan. You're seeing her under false pretenses, and now you expect to put some smooth moves on her sneakily? The greater likelihood is she puts you in the friend zone, where you don't want to be.
If you'd just been up front in the first place (meet for drinks, not to do homework), she would've known what you were after. If she rejects you, you can still be friends, and she would respect you for having the balls to be honest. I think what you're doing is more manipulative and creepier in the long run.
The_Inquisitor
Member
Eggo said:
Agree with this. When the girl I mentioned earlier came over tonight it was with the intention of having dinner and having some fun. I did homework while she was over as we watched olympics but that wasn't the focus.
You saying homework is the focus will put her in that mindset. Your intentions may be good, but she is going to remember you are the guy that is good at chemistry, and not the guy who can rock her in the bedroom.
BronzeWolf
Banned
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