Freeza Under The Shower
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Last night I received a call from my grandmother who was spending the day with my sister by seeing this movie. She invited me to come along. I made up an excuse that I already had plans, but she eventually guilted me into going along. The showing was at 10:00 AM. I didn't even know they played movies that early. I've never heard anyone say, "We should see a movie. 10:00 in the morning okay with everyone?" But here we are with all of the other old people.
I should mention I live in the heart of the Bible Belt, have had a deeply religious upbringing and have seen many of these kinds of movies, so I knew more-or-less what to expect.
Oh yeah. SPOILERS. I'm not marking them, because let's be honest... Nobody cares.
Strawman: The Movie features numerous plot threads. Enough where it can actually get a little confusing at parts, due to how we see characters for a few seconds only for them to disappear for a half-hour and show up again once we'd forgotten about them.
The main plot thread is the bright-eyed Christian freshman Joss Whedon (Or Josh Wheaton, but everytime they said it I heard Joss Whedon) who takes Kevin Sorbo's Philosophy 101 class to be horrified when Hercules opens his first class by listing such great and wide-ranging philosophers as Richard Dawkins, Frederich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, and Ayn Rand who are all great because they all share one fact-- [Dramatic whiteboard flip] They're atheist. So in order to pass this class all students must write "God is dead," and sign their names on a piece of paper. We see one student sign his name with an absurdly illegible autograph, so I don't know how he got credit. But of course Joss can't bring himself to do it, so Hercules says that he must prove that God exists in their next class. Joss will defend God, Hercules will deny him, and the classroom will choose who wins.
Joss has a girlfriend and she is a delight. Every time she appears she bosses Joss around and reminds him that she has their whole lives planned for the next 50 years (Actual line from her). She tells Joss to not do the debate, because he could get a C in the class, and if he gets a C in philosophy 101, he'll never go to law school and their lives will be ruined.
Did I mention that Joss really likes the Christian rock band, the Newsboys? The first scene we see him he's wearing a Newsboys t-shirt. Then we see his dorm covered in Newsboys posters. When his anniversary pops up he surprises his girlfriend with two tickets to the Newsboys (They first met a Newsboys concert!). Jesus is cool and all, but goddamn those Newsboys, they're something else.
Oh yeah, and there are two side-characters at the school. A Chinese exchange student named Martin, who is ignorant to word of God and is just trying to excel in school. And a Muslim girl whose name I cannot remember (I'm not even sure if they say it). She is forced by her ultra-Muslim father to wear a hijab to school, but she tucks it in her purse whenever she's out of his sight. One girl says, "You're pretty. It's a shame you have to cover your face." She overhears talk about Jesus and she is intrigued.
Meanwhile we visit with some woman (I don't remember her name, so we're calling her Doe-eyes, because good God, she looks like she's on the verge of tears in every scene) who has a mother crippled with dementia. And I'll give credit where credit is due. This old woman is out-acting everybody in this movie. No sarcasm. She truly made me believe she was a demented old woman who loved fried chicken. If they give religious versions of the Oscars, she should nail Best Supporting Actress. Doe-eyes shovels chicken into her mother's face and the scene ends.
Also we see a young red-head reporter named Amy who is always busy. Her car has bumper stickers reading "Meat is Murder" and "I Heart Evolution." She writes for a publication called "The New Left." And boy, she puts Lois Lane to shame as she ambushes the guy from Duck Dynasty in a parking lot. How can he be in a show where he cruelly hunts animals and prays to Jesus though some find it offensive. She even insults the guy's wife by saying she should be at home barefoot and pregnant. But they're cool and collected because God and stuff and she apparently uses their minute long conversation to write an article about those crazy mouth-frothing Christians.
Amy is in a relationship with Dean Cain. Dean Cain is Captain Business. I don't know what the fuck he does but sweet Jesus is it business-related. He wears a suit in a boardroom and everything. Later they say he makes partner, so I guess he's actually a lawyer. But presumably a business lawyer who deals exclusively in the most business-like business that ever was businessed.
Oh yeah, one final plot thread. Because we needed one more. There's a pastor played by David A.R. White.
Pastor David (I'm not being lazy on this one, his character's name is the same as his actual name) is welcoming an African missionary who is constantly optimistic and wants to see DisneyWorld before he returns home. But oh, the hijinks that ensue. Before they can leave their car breaks down, so they order a rental. But when they try to start it, the vehicle is immobile. And guess what! The next day when they try again, the same thing happens. And the whacky rental guy is sure to get your goat.
Now all of these plotlines tie together like an episode of Seinfeld, so I'm gonna try to simplify things by going ahead and explaining some relationships that the movie reveals over the first hour or so. Joss's professor Hercules is in a relationship with Doe-eyes (Who is Christian, and his former student), who is the sister of Dean Cain, who is dating Amy.
Okay, so now that I've explained this epic plot synopsis...
Joss finally gets his chance to debate his stance, and I don't know why this guy is studying pre-law, because he can apparently make movie-quality CG slide demonstrations of the Big Bang and moving versions of the Creation of Adam (Which they sloppily removed the penis from for the good of mankind).
I have to say I am somewhat surprised in the direction they took the Big Bang stuff. If I remember correctly, they didn't dispute that the universe is billions of years old or that evolution exists, but that the Big Bang was actually the action of God saying "let there be light" and evolution being a part of life, just not the source of humanity. Joss argues that billions of years just isn't enough for single-celled life to evolve in humans. Which seems like a weird stance to take, but it's better than the New Earth Creationism that I was expecting. But of course Hercules says that Stephen Hawking says that rules like gravity could prove that the universe doesn't need a god to exist, and Joss is stunned without an answer.
Proof that there is no God:
(Also pictured: Stephen Hawking)
But don't worry, Hercules is giving Joss another class session to present his rebuttal. He comes back and presents another quote that proves that Hawking's quote is self-refuting or something? I don't really remember. It didn't make a lot of sense. However the Bible says some stuff that does make sense, I guess. Considering that the textbook example of the philosophic concept of "begging the question," which they teach you in every philosophy class, is assuming that God exists because the Bible says so, it seems weird that Hercules never brought that up. Whatever, I guess Joss is starting to win the debate. He has one more class to prove it, which-- holy shit, Hercules has wasted three complete class sessions to satisfy his ego in destroying this kid for being Christian. Tenure is amazing.
After class Hercules threateningly shoves Joss and says that he's sick of him trying to make a fool of him. Which is flat-out assault. The fact that Joss didn't go to the dean proves that we can't believe anything Joss says, because Joss has no brain function. He is essentially a zucchini. Also his girlfriend breaks up with him because he's ignoring her plan for them, and she didn't like zucchini that much anyway.
Oh yeah, and Joss presses Hercules as to why he hates God so much, causing him to reveal that when he was 12, he watched his mother die from cancer.
And speaking of cancer: Amy has a shitload of it. Remember Amy? Yeah. Cancer. Has an MRI and everything. She goes on a date with Dean Cain and reveals the cancer. Dean Cain says, "This couldn't have waited until later?" Which is just the weirdest response ever. I know he's supposed to be this giant asshole, but there's not even any logic to his assholeness. He breaks up with her, saying they both got what they wanted out of their relationship and it sucks about the cancer. He then whips out his penis and urinates on the table while shouting "I'm Dean Cain, bitch!" ripping his shirt open to reveal the Lois and Clark Superman suit, and flying out the window while All Eyes on Me by Tupac plays, remixed with soundbites of "Dean Cain, Dean Cain." (Last sentence may have been my imagination)
Oh yeah, that Muslim girl? She gets caught by her father listening to the Bible on her iPod, like most young girls do for fun. He slaps the shit out of her because Allah or something. Then he grabs her by her throat and drags her outside, kicking her out of the house before falling down and crying in the stairwell. Muslims, am I right?
That Chinese kid Martin is starting to like the sound of all this Jesus jazz. He phones his stern Chinese businessman father who tells him that such talk could keep his brother from studying abroad and that he should focus only on his studies.
Fucking shit, a lot happens in this movie. I have to keep trying to remember where I was in my rambling.
Hercules has an all-professor dinner party and he has his girlfriend Doe-eyes essentially act as the maid, carrying around trays of food and buying wine. The professors all guffaw over the stupidity of a student defending his Christianity in class. Doe-eyes butts in and says, "But, I'm Christian, and I don't think it's so bad." Everyone cuts her the most ridiculously pretentious gazes ever. Later when they taste the wine, which has been ruined by being left in the sun, she apologizes and Hercules says, "nosce te ipsum." She doesn't understand and another professor says, "Looks like it's all Greek to her." Guffaw. Guffaw. Guffaw. Apparently she doesn't like being treated like an invalid child, and she runs out of the room crying, and later breaks up with Hercules, to his shock. I mean, what did he even do wrong?
Thankfully we reach the last discussion and Joss gives up on rational debate and just starts yelling at Hercules. "You're an atheist because you hate God!" and such. Essentially he just drudges up the painful memories of Hercules's past until he finally gets the professor to tearfully yell, "Yes! I hate God!" Prompting Joss to smugly nod and say, "How can you hate him, if he doesn't exist?" Boom done. The class votes in favor of Joss, and all it took was exploiting deep psychological trauma to reduce a broken man into an emotional mess in front of all of his students. Just like Jesus would do.
The big finale of the movie is, of course, at the concert for the Newsboys because those fabulous-contabulous Newsboys. Amy again tries to ambush them because SO LIBERAL. But when she confronts them on their belief in God, they slyly call her out for wanting to believe it. They all pray for her and now she's saved. She's totally still got terminal cancer, but at least she's set afterlife-wise.
Since Joss's girlfriend left him, he goes with the Chinese student, and we can assume we'll see a sequel featuring the two of them as wise-cracking, but highly devout, buddy cops. And while they're there they meet the Muslim girl... Who... I don't know where she's living now, but hey, she seems to be enjoying herself. Also Doe-eyes is there. Everyone loves the fucking Newsboys.
Who can resist?
Pastor David and the missionary are stuck in traffic at the concert on their way to DisneyWorld. And it's raining! Oh man, could it get any worse?
Hercules reads a letter that his mom wrote to him when she was dying about believing in Jesus or whatever and decides he's going to talk to his girlfriend and stop being such a crazy anti-theist asshole. And Dean Cain finally visits his demented mother, wondering why such a good woman would have have to suffer while he, such a Dean Cain-like specimen, has everything he could want. She has a moment of clarity where she says the Devil is tricking him into leading a bad life and that he is such a tool.
Hercules is running to the concert and it looks like he's going to reconnect with his girlfriend and turn his life around and HE GETS HIT BY A FUCKING CAR OUT OF NOWHERE. Holy shit. There's even a slow-mo shot of him screaming as he falls through the air. He hits the pavement and gasps for air. Ah, so he's going to go to the hospital and-... Nope. The pastor and missionary get out of the car and quickly deduce that his lungs are filling with blood and that he's dying. Pastor David gets him to accept Jesus as his savior and he fucking dies in the middle of the road. Pastor David and the Missionary smile and laugh. "This is a cause for celebration." You just saw a guy drown to death in his own blood. Regardless of his eternal resting place, this seems like a fairly somber affair.
Back at the concert the Newsboys say they have a special message to play. Duck Dynasty guy shows up on a giant projector and congratulates the local student who stuck up for his beliefs and that this next song is for him. But before that, everyone needs to text "God is not dead" to everyone in their phone contacts.
We see the Chinese kid's dad get the text in confusion.
We see the pastor pick up Hercules's phone off the ground and smile.
Then we see Dean Cain, who reads the text, chuckles and throws the phone in the backseat of his car, because he so goddamn Dean Cain, you can't even Dean Cain just how Dean Cain he Dean Cain is.
Back at the concert.
"MY GOD IS NOT DEAD, HE'S SURELY ALIVE!"
Black screen. "Text God is not dead to everyone you know."
"This movie was inspired by the following legal cases:
[big list of religious-related campus lawsuits]
Again, I've seen a lot of these kinds of movies. This one? It's not the worst I've seen. It's way better than those fucking Fireproof shitfests. "Oh, isn't it so impressive. They're made entirely by a church in Georgia." Yeah. You can fucking tell. This movie is mainly insulting based on premise alone. It really builds on persecution that isn't there. The missionary character even comments about being in the trenches in dangerous situations, and it just underscores how petty these two dickbags are. Quality-wise, it's serviceable. Not good. But at least Lifetime Channel levels of competence.
Not much appeal in a "so bad it's good" way. Outside of Dean Cain, who is magnificent in his douchiness.
I can't stay mad at you Dean. Because you're just so underwhelming.
pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
(also: next page)
Especially so, since I loved the film.
