No no no no no. You enjoy that while it lasts sir.
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How do I live with an asexual girlfriend?
- Thread starter Schnicktick
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No no no no no. You enjoy that while it lasts sir.
TheRedSnifit
Member
I'm jealous of her. I'm not some antisocial shut-in, but not having sexual attraction seems kind of nice.
It's hard to "enjoy" when I don't want it, but she's happy as long as she gets it. I'm looking forward to when it does slow down.
Nope. But it would be nice to have a "partner" in the sense of a relationship.
It isn't slander if it's true. If I'm a prick for pointing out the obvious, then so be it.
No it cannot
2 years now with a girl with a much higher libido than me. It doesn't slow down. Just try and keep up.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
At least you got to have sex with yours, my first girlfriend was asexual and she couldn't get over it.
Either way, even if you really love her sometimes it's better to leave and who knows she may even encourage you to.
Either way, even if you really love her sometimes it's better to leave and who knows she may even encourage you to.
I haven't dated anyone like this or anyone ( don't worry I'm still young
) but maybe she may have gotten sexually abused at a younger age ( I know this may sound outrageous plz don't jump on me). From what I'm reading she doesn't sound repulse by sex ( in some cases sexually abused people don't have to be repulsed by sex) so I can be wrong. Honestly idk, sorry about your situation.I think you're better off being friends, if things don't work out.
Avatar quote . . .
though I bet Hannibal would bang Will
MrOogieBoogie
BioShock Infinite is like playing some homeless guy's vivid imagination
You don't come to GAF for relationship advice. That's one thing I've learned.
Lots of close-minded people here.
Please don't discourage discussion because someone has a different view than you.
Freshmaker
I am Korean.
Or sex therapy.
Baron Doggystyle von Woof
Member
She is not asexual. You are not triggering the inner beast.
Asexual=/=aromantic
Another fine example of someone saying "everyone" when they ought've said "me".
Crash Station
Member
Mindsets like this are the reason AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) exists. There are many people in successful asexual relationships. It's important to make a distinction between asexual and aromantic. Terrisus is right on this one even if it isn't totally what the topic is about.
Son of Sam
Banned
She's still young. I dated a girl once that didn't really find herself sexually until mid to late 20s.
Has she discovered her clitoris even? That's important ya know.
Has she discovered her clitoris even? That's important ya know.
Foghorn Leghorn
Unconfirmed Member
He needs to buy her a hitachi magic wand, the beast will be unleashed.
TheGraykid
Member
Some of you guys acted like not very nicely to the people in less sexual relationships. Like really douchey.
To me, for me and for me only, sex is a really important part of my relationships if I was seeing someone regularly and we were having sex once a month or less I wouldn't be able to cope. And not because I didn't get to bust a nut or anything, just because sex makes me feel desired, loved and close to the person I'm with. But that's just me, there are millions of people worldwide who can function perfectly and prefer completely sexless relationships, and this doesn't make them broken or incapable of romantic love, it just makes them different.
To the OPs situation I think he should bail, I think its a dangerous game in a relationship to be waiting for someone to change into the person you want them to be. So you have to ask yourself if this relationship is really what you want. It'd be a deal breaker for me, especially 3 months into a relationship, but I'm not you.
To me, for me and for me only, sex is a really important part of my relationships if I was seeing someone regularly and we were having sex once a month or less I wouldn't be able to cope. And not because I didn't get to bust a nut or anything, just because sex makes me feel desired, loved and close to the person I'm with. But that's just me, there are millions of people worldwide who can function perfectly and prefer completely sexless relationships, and this doesn't make them broken or incapable of romantic love, it just makes them different.
To the OPs situation I think he should bail, I think its a dangerous game in a relationship to be waiting for someone to change into the person you want them to be. So you have to ask yourself if this relationship is really what you want. It'd be a deal breaker for me, especially 3 months into a relationship, but I'm not you.
Prophet Steve
Member
Agreed. There are being some very shortsighted people here. People definitely can have a very loving relationship without sex, that many people wouldn't want to is understandable, but you really need to question your definition of a relationship if you consider sex to be a fundamental part of it. A necessary part for you? That is fine, but I think people can still have a perfectly normal relationship without sex.
And it isn't like it is that rare, look at the amount of people who wait to have sex until marriage. It is not a practice I agree with at all, but I have no trouble believing that two people who marry each other in such a situation love each other very much and have a completely valid relationship.
As for the OP. It is weird that her desires change so much when she is drunk and that sounds like a bit more of a mental issue but maybe there are some asexual resources that provide more information about that. Ask her what she thinks of that and ask whether she might want to explore why that is happening. Possibly suggest therapy if she is open to that. You could also see how she feels towards you having sex with other people, but that is even more of a sensitive issue and make sure she knows that sex is very important to you. Also, having sex with other people might not be at all what you want. Many people here that suggest that (some don't even seem to value the opinion of your partner in this, don't do that), but for many people it isn't the same to have sex with someone else than your partner.
SolidChamp
Banned
As I understand it, an asexual person isn't physically able to bring themselves to have sex at all. It's not that they lack a sex drive, it's that the physical act is a complete turnoff for them and they are revolted by the notion of trying.
I know an asexual who literally cannot have sex.
I know an asexual who literally cannot have sex.
Like everyone else here I have no idea what's going on.
The only contribution I can make is to tell you that I was the person in my previous relationship who didn't want sex.
The reason was very simple - I just didn't find myself sexually attracted to her anymore. I felt awful about it too for a variety of reasons.
I felt shallow for not being attracted to her. I tried to spare her feelings by lieing about it. I came up with every excuse under the sun why I couldn't have sex.
She loved sex, and always tried to initiate. She said she missed the closeness and the bond that it brought and that she felt like I didn't want her anymore. I still cared so much for her, it killed me when I would hear her crying in the bathroom after I had another headache or tiring day at work.
Basically I didn't have the balls to own up and tell her the truth, something I should have done a long time ago. I felt like I was cheating everytime id look at another girl. I was still attracted to girls - just not the one i was with.
Eventually things deteriorated to the point where we had to split. It was hugely unfair to her. I still felt like i loved her emotionally, but we just weren't physically compatible.
Im not saying that is the case here. Its just the first thing that popped into my head based on my own experience on the other side of the coin.
My advice to the OP is don't underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Especially if one partner is a very sexual person. There are issues you will have to confront eventually.
The only contribution I can make is to tell you that I was the person in my previous relationship who didn't want sex.
The reason was very simple - I just didn't find myself sexually attracted to her anymore. I felt awful about it too for a variety of reasons.
I felt shallow for not being attracted to her. I tried to spare her feelings by lieing about it. I came up with every excuse under the sun why I couldn't have sex.
She loved sex, and always tried to initiate. She said she missed the closeness and the bond that it brought and that she felt like I didn't want her anymore. I still cared so much for her, it killed me when I would hear her crying in the bathroom after I had another headache or tiring day at work.
Basically I didn't have the balls to own up and tell her the truth, something I should have done a long time ago. I felt like I was cheating everytime id look at another girl. I was still attracted to girls - just not the one i was with.
Eventually things deteriorated to the point where we had to split. It was hugely unfair to her. I still felt like i loved her emotionally, but we just weren't physically compatible.
Im not saying that is the case here. Its just the first thing that popped into my head based on my own experience on the other side of the coin.
My advice to the OP is don't underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Especially if one partner is a very sexual person. There are issues you will have to confront eventually.
Prophet Steve
Member
There are different types/degrees of asexuals. Some of them can have sex and do in fact only have the lack of a drive. They even can still enjoy sex as the physical sensations still work.
She is not telling you the whole truth, to spare your feelings.This is how problems usually begin in any relationship, out of courtesy people lie, because they think its going to benefit the relationship but does the opposite in the long run.
Out of the information you have shared, she does not sound asexual at all, at one point she will meet a man who will turn her on and you will be kicked to the curb. You will be given the "I love you like a brother!" speech
But even if we pretend she is asexual and this is a legitimate problem, why are you settling for this?
We had a guy a few weeks back on this forum who settled on some woman who had 3 kids with 3 different fathers, who gave him some story how she was into Jesus and thus did not want to disgrace the lord by having sex out of marriage.
Its amazing what people will come up with just to stay in a relationship and reap whatever benefit, monetary or otherwise, for as long as they can. Men complain about women who dont want sex because they are supposedly asexual, or Jesus is watching them, but the real enablers here are the men who sit around for this and accept it.
I stopped having sex with my ex after 2 years, because she had gained some weight and i simply ceased to find her attractive. Of course saying his to a woman, is just about the worse thing you can do, so the truth is a no no. I did "i have a headache/tired" spiel before i cut her off. I guess i wasent creative enough to use asexual or Jesus
Out of the information you have shared, she does not sound asexual at all, at one point she will meet a man who will turn her on and you will be kicked to the curb. You will be given the "I love you like a brother!" speech
But even if we pretend she is asexual and this is a legitimate problem, why are you settling for this?
We had a guy a few weeks back on this forum who settled on some woman who had 3 kids with 3 different fathers, who gave him some story how she was into Jesus and thus did not want to disgrace the lord by having sex out of marriage.
Its amazing what people will come up with just to stay in a relationship and reap whatever benefit, monetary or otherwise, for as long as they can. Men complain about women who dont want sex because they are supposedly asexual, or Jesus is watching them, but the real enablers here are the men who sit around for this and accept it.
I stopped having sex with my ex after 2 years, because she had gained some weight and i simply ceased to find her attractive. Of course saying his to a woman, is just about the worse thing you can do, so the truth is a no no. I did "i have a headache/tired" spiel before i cut her off. I guess i wasent creative enough to use asexual or Jesus
Prophet Steve
Member
Those are a lot of negative assumptions you are making about someone. She is young, has had her first experience with sex three months ago and possibly has a low or non-existent sex drive. Except for the wanting to have sex when drunk part which confuses me it sounds like she could very easily be asexual.
But she also has had a pretty short time to figure all of this out. Asexuality can be a complex thing and it can take people many years to figure out what they exactly are. You are assuming she is just lying and is not sexually attracted to the OP, without anything to indicate that.
Maybe he wants to "settle" with this because he actually cares about her and the relationships, everyone has their negative points.
TheContact
Member
Believe it or not there are people that exist in this world that don't find sex pleasurable and/or just don't enjoy it. It's not always a sign that something is wrong, especially if the person has been like this since the beginning. He did say she was his first and she as 21 when she lost it, which is typically late for a female
I already covered this, even if she truly is asexual or for whatever reason just does not enjoy sex, he is still settling and accepting this relationship for what it is. Whether she is lying or telling the truth, still leads him to the same end result. And if he is fine with that, then there is no problem.
But he might not be fine with it, and since he made this thread it might indicate he is a bit unhappy about it, then he might consider not just settling for it.
EDIT: There is no "solution" here other than forcing her to put out, or him to accept the situation. Neither are acceptable for either party in the long run. When things arent compatible, they arent compatible and that is the end of that.
If op doesn't want to be with his girlfriend and feels like the relationship isn't giving him what he wants and needs then he should break it off and find someone that fits him better. I wouldn't want to stay with someone that is forcing me to be one way or the other. I like to think that people have a choice and they shouldn't force themselves to change unless they want to.
With that said, people telling terrisus that he is wrong and attacking what he thinks is right and completely disregarding what he says as bs and not agreeing with it at all, saying that asexual people being in a relationship doesn't make it a relationship and such is just... well it's plain silly and close minded. I understand that asexuality is something not everyone will understand, that's completely fine. I don't want people to force themselves to feel like they don't need sex anymore because it works for some people. Being more open minded about these things is something I think would be good for you guys to learn.
With that said, people telling terrisus that he is wrong and attacking what he thinks is right and completely disregarding what he says as bs and not agreeing with it at all, saying that asexual people being in a relationship doesn't make it a relationship and such is just... well it's plain silly and close minded. I understand that asexuality is something not everyone will understand, that's completely fine. I don't want people to force themselves to feel like they don't need sex anymore because it works for some people. Being more open minded about these things is something I think would be good for you guys to learn.
Could be one of few things
1. She's confused and possibly a lesbian, but still likes you but not in the way you like her
2. She was possibly abused in the past or has emotional issues
3. She just doesn't have the same drive. it sounds like OP wants it like 5x a week
4. Maybe she loves him, but isn't physically attracted to him at all. Hence why she only has sex with him to make him happy or when she's drunk and her inhibitions are low.
Most of those things Ive listed are impossible to overcome or require therapy ( #2). I think its kinda unfair to have her feeling like she has to have sex with op for him to stay. Might as well end it now
1. She's confused and possibly a lesbian, but still likes you but not in the way you like her
2. She was possibly abused in the past or has emotional issues
3. She just doesn't have the same drive. it sounds like OP wants it like 5x a week
4. Maybe she loves him, but isn't physically attracted to him at all. Hence why she only has sex with him to make him happy or when she's drunk and her inhibitions are low.
Most of those things Ive listed are impossible to overcome or require therapy ( #2). I think its kinda unfair to have her feeling like she has to have sex with op for him to stay. Might as well end it now
HUELEN10
Member
Okay... By now, I have read, re-read, and read the whole thread. Some of these replies are quite ignorant, some are quite offensive, and some are legitimate, yet don't have a proper answer yet; I don't know why, but I feel compelled to comment not just on OP's single post (According to the forum tools, his first post in this thread is the only post), but on a lot of the other replies as well. I don't know why, but it's finally struck me that one of the biggest problems asexuality faces truly is indeed visibility and correct understanding. I feel that a lot of people simply just don't understand. Now... Shall we begin?
What is lacking from the sex, should she be asexual (and from this point on, I would like to remind everyone of two little things. 1. Asexuality has nothing to do with having a low sex drive. Sexuality is a sexual orientation branch that simply means that you aren' sexually attracted to anyone; that's literally all there is to it. 2. Some asexual people love sex, some don't, as sex is merely an action. You can have sex without love, and you can have love without sex.) is simply a connection to you on a sexual level, that's it. She is being upfront with you with her sexuality, which I think is great! After all, if we wanna truly know if we're compatible with our significant other, this is some of the stuff we simply need to know! If she is willing to have sex with you, then she (like you state later on), is willing to compromise, give-and-take, with her and your needs, as happens with a lot of things in every relationship. She's giving you sex, but don't expect there to be a sexual connection between you two, that is simply not realistic as asexual people aren't sexually attracted to other people, that's what makes them asexual! What does that say about you? Well, perhaps you are a person that doesn't need sex, but also might need the sexual connection or "fire" or whatever you kids call it nowadays, and that's not a bad thing; why should your own preferences and needs be considered bad, you can't help it, as she can't.
In the grand scheme of things, there simple aren't that many asexual people out there in the world; there's even less of them who are romantic/aromantic out there, so aces (asexuals) who get into relationships don't usually get into ones with asexual people (simply numbers here, nothing more, and they don' lie). Do you see that is a problem though? A lot of relationships have non-same sexualities, like a gay girl and a bi girl, or two pansexual men, or a polysexual girl and a straight guy. As long as she is honest and true to herself, doesn't mind compromising on your sexual action needs, and you can truly compromise and understand that the act of love she is giving you for giving you want she knows you want is the closest, and truest love you're gonna get (because you will NOT get a sexual connection with her, ever), then there is no reason to not continue the relationship. Only you can make that call however. She seems to be able to live with giving you sex, can you live with sex without a connection on a sexual level?
Nah, don't think about it too much, the liquors make us do strange things. Again, sex (to many people), just feels good as an action, and maybe her being a little tipsy makes sex feel good for her and that is it. Not that uncommon, and you have stated that she can have orgasms and everything without feeling a need. If it feels good, why not? Don't judge her based on her finding the action enjoyable; it has no bearing on her sexuality.
What makes you say that? Would a straight guy having a bisexual girlfriend be any different? You can have relationships with people that aren't your same sexual orientation, don't be so close-minded.
Can sex exist without love? There's your answer.
OP doesn't seem like the type of person that wants to be with anyone other than her. Why the open relationship? She might not be into it either. Just be friends? Saying that relationships minus sex are just friendships, is incredibly close-minded and offensive; you are demeaning so many couples, couples who love each other deeply in their relationships, simply because they don't adhere to your standard of relationships. What's next, married people who have lost their sexdrive over the years are now just friends? Give me a break.
Wrong. All asexuality means is that you have no sexual attraction to anyone. Some people have no sex drive, some people thinks ex is disgusting, some people think it feels nice, and some people have sex drives off the roof and are horny as fuck and get it on every day. Sex is merely an action, and some people are into it; it has nothing to do with your sexuality. There are asexual people who have sex. They consider it an action, and are simply lack any sort of sexual connection or attraction for that action, and that is perfectly fine.
There aren't that many out there though. That is why it is not uncommon for romantic asexual people to go seek out people of a different orientation.
Good way of looking at it. OP needs to realize that the girl cares enough about him to accommodate his needs. If he can accept that and do the same (by embracing her sexual orientation and the fact that certain connections will never happen), then there is no reason why the two, should they desire, cannot continue a happy, meaningful, deep relationship.
A: Hey, that guy likes guys? That's not normal! Let's take him to the doctor to fix him and make him like girls!
That's what you just fucking said. Maybe you didn't mean it, but it's the same fucking thing. You don't just say take someone to a quack to "fix" their orientation.
B: If she say she's sure, then she's most likely sure. Besides, she might not end being heteroromantic, but she would still be ace.
Get your hormones checked, get your hormones checked, get your hormones checked...
Do you know how demeaning this feels for an asexual person (especially those that HAVE had their hormones checked? Do bisexual girls and polysexual men need to have their hormones checked too? Oy...
I like this one, not gonna lie.
LOVE!
Yeah, because she totally needs to be fixed...
So her being upfront with herself to her lover is being dishonest and fishy? Now I've heard everything...
So... you believe that homosexuality is real, but asexuality isn't? Do you realize how fucked up that is?
They don't have to, just as any other relationship with two partners that aren't the same orientation; all you need is good communication, compatibility, and love. Being asexual doesn't make it different.
No, you know what no... I am only gonna touch on one thing of this incredibly offensive post, and that is point 2. Asexual people, like everyone else, can be abused asexually. Just because you've been abused sexually doesn't make you ACE!!!
And let me explain how toxic this mindset is with another scenario.
Do you have any idea how... hurtful, how painful it feels when you are asexual, and later, after finding this out in life and embracing your sexuality, happen to been abused, raped, or violated? It sucks even more because people demean your damned sexuality and invalidate you for the rest of your days just because of actions YOU HAD NO CHOICE OF! Now THAT is hell.
Do you realize how toxic that is? Do you realize how wrong that is? Good god...
Anywho, I have shit to do now. Catch you later guys. And remember, treat asexuality as you would ANY OTHER SEXUALITY, WITH UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT!
THANK YOU
What is lacking from the sex, should she be asexual (and from this point on, I would like to remind everyone of two little things. 1. Asexuality has nothing to do with having a low sex drive. Sexuality is a sexual orientation branch that simply means that you aren' sexually attracted to anyone; that's literally all there is to it. 2. Some asexual people love sex, some don't, as sex is merely an action. You can have sex without love, and you can have love without sex.) is simply a connection to you on a sexual level, that's it. She is being upfront with you with her sexuality, which I think is great! After all, if we wanna truly know if we're compatible with our significant other, this is some of the stuff we simply need to know! If she is willing to have sex with you, then she (like you state later on), is willing to compromise, give-and-take, with her and your needs, as happens with a lot of things in every relationship. She's giving you sex, but don't expect there to be a sexual connection between you two, that is simply not realistic as asexual people aren't sexually attracted to other people, that's what makes them asexual! What does that say about you? Well, perhaps you are a person that doesn't need sex, but also might need the sexual connection or "fire" or whatever you kids call it nowadays, and that's not a bad thing; why should your own preferences and needs be considered bad, you can't help it, as she can't.
Would you expect a lesbian you just met to fall with you? Would you be surprised if a bisexual ex started seeing a woman? If she says she's asexual, then that means she is not gonna "turn straight". Such talk is outdated and quite offensive. I swear, if she we're any other sexuality, people in this thread would be (rightly) giving you a hard time about that statement.
From what you previously stated, it seems to me that should she be asexual (which again only she can know), there's nothing being held back; you're just in possible need of something she can never give you, regardless of how amazing and sexual the actual act could be for you two, and that is that sexual connection between you two; you're not gonna get it.
In the grand scheme of things, there simple aren't that many asexual people out there in the world; there's even less of them who are romantic/aromantic out there, so aces (asexuals) who get into relationships don't usually get into ones with asexual people (simply numbers here, nothing more, and they don' lie). Do you see that is a problem though? A lot of relationships have non-same sexualities, like a gay girl and a bi girl, or two pansexual men, or a polysexual girl and a straight guy. As long as she is honest and true to herself, doesn't mind compromising on your sexual action needs, and you can truly compromise and understand that the act of love she is giving you for giving you want she knows you want is the closest, and truest love you're gonna get (because you will NOT get a sexual connection with her, ever), then there is no reason to not continue the relationship. Only you can make that call however. She seems to be able to live with giving you sex, can you live with sex without a connection on a sexual level?
Nah, don't think about it too much, the liquors make us do strange things. Again, sex (to many people), just feels good as an action, and maybe her being a little tipsy makes sex feel good for her and that is it. Not that uncommon, and you have stated that she can have orgasms and everything without feeling a need. If it feels good, why not? Don't judge her based on her finding the action enjoyable; it has no bearing on her sexuality.
What makes you say that? Would a straight guy having a bisexual girlfriend be any different? You can have relationships with people that aren't your same sexual orientation, don't be so close-minded.
Can sex exist without love? There's your answer.
OP doesn't seem like the type of person that wants to be with anyone other than her. Why the open relationship? She might not be into it either. Just be friends? Saying that relationships minus sex are just friendships, is incredibly close-minded and offensive; you are demeaning so many couples, couples who love each other deeply in their relationships, simply because they don't adhere to your standard of relationships. What's next, married people who have lost their sexdrive over the years are now just friends? Give me a break.
Wrong. All asexuality means is that you have no sexual attraction to anyone. Some people have no sex drive, some people thinks ex is disgusting, some people think it feels nice, and some people have sex drives off the roof and are horny as fuck and get it on every day. Sex is merely an action, and some people are into it; it has nothing to do with your sexuality. There are asexual people who have sex. They consider it an action, and are simply lack any sort of sexual connection or attraction for that action, and that is perfectly fine.
There are sometimes quirks in a relationship that people can compromise on; there is not reason why sex has to be the one end-all thing that can't be compromised. As long as both people can understand each other and make a mutual decision, there is no reason why OP Can't pursue this if he and his girl are willing.
Again, action ≠ attraction.
There aren't that many out there though. That is why it is not uncommon for romantic asexual people to go seek out people of a different orientation.
Good way of looking at it. OP needs to realize that the girl cares enough about him to accommodate his needs. If he can accept that and do the same (by embracing her sexual orientation and the fact that certain connections will never happen), then there is no reason why the two, should they desire, cannot continue a happy, meaningful, deep relationship.
This is not it. She allegedly knows she's asexual and trust me, when you know your sexual orientation, you just know. That's really all there is to it.
A: Hey, that guy likes guys? That's not normal! Let's take him to the doctor to fix him and make him like girls!
That's what you just fucking said. Maybe you didn't mean it, but it's the same fucking thing. You don't just say take someone to a quack to "fix" their orientation.
B: If she say she's sure, then she's most likely sure. Besides, she might not end being heteroromantic, but she would still be ace.
More replies like this, and again I state that asexuality has nothing to do with sex drives, actions, or lack thereof. This is one of the biggest misconceptions.
Get your hormones checked, get your hormones checked, get your hormones checked...
Do you know how demeaning this feels for an asexual person (especially those that HAVE had their hormones checked? Do bisexual girls and polysexual men need to have their hormones checked too? Oy...
I like this one, not gonna lie.
Simple: As any other relationship works and flourishes; with good communication, understanding, compromise, and, above all else...
LOVE!
Yeah, because she totally needs to be fixed...
You're not gonna find what isn't there.
So her being upfront with herself to her lover is being dishonest and fishy? Now I've heard everything...
So... you believe that homosexuality is real, but asexuality isn't? Do you realize how fucked up that is?
Simple: not all aces are aromantic. Some want a relationship, others want to procreate, and the same variety you would find in the sexual spectrum will be found among the Kinsey Xs (asexual people).
They don't have to, just as any other relationship with two partners that aren't the same orientation; all you need is good communication, compatibility, and love. Being asexual doesn't make it different.
I'll say this much. If some of the things talked about ace people in this thread were talked about gay people, the outcome would be different, and that's messed up.
So true. The biggest hurdle for asexuals is visibility and understanding. Too many people are ignorant, bigoted, or offensive to the subject, and it needs to stop. There's so much ace people go through too, from straights (let me FIX you), from the LGBT community (come back when you don't have the same legal rights, we'll talk), and everyone else (well, you should take these pills to help you). It fucking sucks, and it needs to stop.
No, you know what no... I am only gonna touch on one thing of this incredibly offensive post, and that is point 2. Asexual people, like everyone else, can be abused asexually. Just because you've been abused sexually doesn't make you ACE!!!
And let me explain how toxic this mindset is with another scenario.
Do you have any idea how... hurtful, how painful it feels when you are asexual, and later, after finding this out in life and embracing your sexuality, happen to been abused, raped, or violated? It sucks even more because people demean your damned sexuality and invalidate you for the rest of your days just because of actions YOU HAD NO CHOICE OF! Now THAT is hell.
Do you realize how toxic that is? Do you realize how wrong that is? Good god...
Anywho, I have shit to do now. Catch you later guys. And remember, treat asexuality as you would ANY OTHER SEXUALITY, WITH UNDERSTANDING AND RESPECT!
THANK YOU
Rubbish King
The gift that keeps on giving
peanutbutterlatte
Member
My friend has an asexual girlfriend and he couldn't take it. He cheated on her once, then left her. Tells me he still misses her terribly from an emotional side, but couldn't cope with having no physical side of their relationship at all.
Seems like a difficult situation man. Me and my SO went through a dry spell due to her not wanting it earlier this year and it drove me crazy. As long as you're not a dick about it, it's not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting sex.
Seems like a difficult situation man. Me and my SO went through a dry spell due to her not wanting it earlier this year and it drove me crazy. As long as you're not a dick about it, it's not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting sex.
You didn't address me in the post, but I just wanted to point this out:
...not according to most definitions of asexuality. You can look at AVEN right now and see that "lower sex drive" plays a huge role in most accepted definitions of asexuality.
I actually agree with most of your post, but you also seem to be taking asexuality--something that actually has a pretty accepted definition and parameters--and turning it into this "one size fits all" super-sexuality that can be anything and everything you want it to be, depending on who you want to disagree with at the time. Of course, most people would agree that sexuality is more of a spectrum, and the "requirements" to be considered asexual aren't super rigid. Still, I think you're playing fast and loose with the term here.
...not according to most definitions of asexuality. You can look at AVEN right now and see that "lower sex drive" plays a huge role in most accepted definitions of asexuality.
I actually agree with most of your post, but you also seem to be taking asexuality--something that actually has a pretty accepted definition and parameters--and turning it into this "one size fits all" super-sexuality that can be anything and everything you want it to be, depending on who you want to disagree with at the time. Of course, most people would agree that sexuality is more of a spectrum, and the "requirements" to be considered asexual aren't super rigid. Still, I think you're playing fast and loose with the term here.
HUELEN10
Member
The only requirement of being heterosexual is being sexually attracted to your opposite sex, and the only requirement of being homosexual is being sexually attracted to your same sex. Sex drive or lack thereof truly has no bearing in one's sexuality. If it did, then you would have to make that a requirement for every other sexuality, and have an assload of variations. Asexuality is a spectrum, and it is as varied as sexuality, why should its branches have to have a sex-drive requirement that things like heterosexuality and homosexuality don't? Sounds discriminatory/treating it different for the sake of treating it different to me.
What I was saying, if you read my later posts, is that I wouldn't just go around and basically call OP's girlfriend asexual and label her like that, and rather just accept she may have a really, really really low sex drive or simply be uninterested in sex.
I think even the most driveless people want to have sex at least once in their life. That's just how I see it. However, my partner has never initiated in her life and she's 30, so perhaps she is. I would just rather see it differently because it is easier for me to handle and love her regardless -- because to me, as someone who loves her, the thought of her never wanting to is hurtful, yet I am understanding.
The reason for that particular post is because every few posts we see the same horrible and hurtful advice.
1. She lesbo
2. She don't love you
3. Find someone else
4. She ain't "unlocked" her bankai for sex yet
This is will really hurt her for hearing it and she will probably be guilted into having sex. That will suck for her and for OP, as he pretty much states that he feels horrible knowing that she may be doing it just for him, and he doesn't want that.
Sex 3-5 times a week is a huge amount. 3 months in our relationship was like that but it wasn't for her. OP thinking she is asexual is 100% because he knows she isn't appearing to enjoy it but still says she loves him.
I don't see how you can be surprised by this. You said you knew she was asexual before the relationship began but you got into a relationship anyway because you thought you could convince her to not be asexual and now your upset that she doesn't want to have sex with you? Am I reading this right? You can't expect her to change in a matter of months, that's just unreasonable. I honestly think you have two options. One is leave if your unhappy with the relationship. Second option is stay and try to work it out since you love her and she loves you.
its valid advice to consider. Some people just aren't compatible and you're being pretty hostile to that idea. It certainly doesn't qualify as horrible.
I think that's reading a bit too much into it.
I don't devalue asexuality, but there kind of has to be a sex drive component here -- as sex drive doesn't just describe how often someone has sex, but the desire for sexual activity. It's how an asexual person can be nonselective of either gender, but not consider themselves bisexual, right?
Basically, I'm not sure of how easily sexual attraction can be divorced from sexual desire, which seems to be what you're implying when you say asexuality has nothing to do with sex drive. "I'm not sexually attracted to you...but I desire to have sex with you."
Sure, but whenever someone says it doesn't have to be the case yet everyone else is like "no dude, that can't be love" OP may as well have no advice at all.
I don't want people running off and think it is the "only" answer.
HUELEN10
Member
Sex is an action. An asexual person in a relationship might be stressed out and feel horny and just want a good lay and sleep. Another one might think the act is disgusting, but desires to do the act to birth a child.
There are many reason to have and not have sex. I honestly don't understand why anyone would talk about divorcing topics that, though can and very often do, complement each other, are stand-alone in design. I don't think there is any divorcing to be done, as they are tow different things. I don't see why there has to be a sex drive component at all.
There are many reason to have and not have sex. I honestly don't understand why anyone would talk about divorcing topics that, though can and very often do, complement each other, are stand-alone in design. I don't think there is any divorcing to be done, as they are tow different things. I don't see why there has to be a sex drive component at all.
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