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[The Adder]

Because of evolution and us not wanting to deal with dealing with the possibility of bringing up someone else's child. Which is pretty stupid, but also pretty ingrained.

Do you love the person or do you love the fact that you have some measure of control over them?

The idealistic concept that most people have for what "love" is, and strict monogamy do not work well together.

Which does not address the issue of them going behind your back to have sex with someone else.

If it's a problem then talk about it instead of cheating. It's that simple. If your partner can't agree on going outside of the marriage, maybe you two shouldn't be together in the first place. And if they understand and are alright with, hey, problem olved with no cheating and no hurt feelings.

 

[Devolution]

And to quote myself:

People fuck up. Other people give them second chances because life is all about forgiveness for some people. People know when they have a good thing but that won't keep them from making mistakes and shitting all over it sometimes. It's not just relationships people do this to, it's life. People fuck up scholarships, get on a spiral of sex and drugs, sell themselves out to the lowest bidder, fuck up a career, alienate their family, betray their friends, etc etc.

Life is all about fucking up, unless you're perfect I don't see the point in getting so angry at a failure to communicate between two individuals. That's basically all that happens here really. If people were so good at communication we wouldn't even be having this discussion. But it stands to reason that in relationships people get bored, antsy, depressed, lose their lust for each other, feel useless, and communication inevitably breaks down or the foundation wasn't that great to begin with. That's how it is and any amount of yelling at people "TO JUST BE BETTER" won't really fix a reality.

Cheating isn't always the ultimate betrayal for everyone so much as the sad fuck up by someone who wasn't thinking and if their SO accepts their apologies and lets it go, then good for them, none of my business really.

 

[Aeriscloud]

Why divorce them when I can stay with them and make them suffer?

Edit : And honestly if I loved them, I could forgive them

 

[AVclub]

HEY GUYS, LOOK AT ME! I CAN MAKE AN ENTIRELY IRRELEVANT ANALOGY! I HAVEN'T READ SHIT ALL IN THE ACTUAL CONVERSATION! WOOHOO!

Bravo, sir. This is lovely. Really.

Was gonna leave it there, but nope. Can't. Sorry.

My god this piece of shit post is the stupidest thing I have had the misfortune of reading on GAF not involving the murder of an innocent kid with a bag of skittles.

I mean Jesus Christ, is it really that hard, that hard, to take 10 seconds to ctrl+f "bible" "sin" "religion" "christ" and see that no one, LITERALLY NO ONE has said a fucking single thing at all related to that.

I mean shit, the vast majority of people who would have a problem being cheated on have, incidentally, said there's a difference between cheating and an open relationship. That, in fact, people should have a conversation about such things with their partner instead of cheating on them.

But no, you felt like getting some smug sense of satisfaction by posting this moronic shit and lowering the intelligence of anyone who wasted their time reading it.

Monogamy is a religious concept whether anyone mentioned it in this thread or not. Your posting style is magical. Please, MORE CAPS!

There is no defensible, logical reason for leaving someone you love based on one mistake. Anyone who has been in love would know that.

 

[ajim]

Not to be rude, but I'm surprised you don't understand this.

Marriage, in the most common sense in western nations, is supposed to be a commitment between two people of many things. Even in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships it's generally assumed you only sleep with each other, but in marriage this is supposed to be much more than an assumption.

Ultimately "romantic" relationships are, for the majority of people, more about being sex partners than they are about being friends/companions. So having sex with somebody else, with no consent from your partner, is basically violating the number one purpose and the trust of your relationship. Once the main purpose of your relationship is violated oftentimes people have little to nothing left over since, like I said, most people don't focus on the friendship/companionship side of things - and how would you be friends with somebody who you can't trust anyways?

Open relationships/marriages change things of course, but it probably wouldn't be cheating in that kind of relationship anyways.

claim something like 70% of married men and 50-60% of married women admit to cheating (this is probably in a western nation). So to me marriage is a flawed concept as it is.

is the bolded legit?

 

[Devolution]

Monogamy is a religious concept whether anyone mentioned it in this thread or not. Your posting style is magical. Please, MORE CAPS!

There is no defensible, logical reason for leaving someone you love based on one mistake. Anyone who has been in love would know that.

Depends on the mistake. Violence is a one strike deal for me.

 

[The Adder]

People fuck up. Other people give them second chances because life is all about forgiveness for some people. People know when they have a good thing but that won't keep them from making mistakes and shitting all over it sometimes. It's not just relationships people do this to, it's life. People fuck up scholarships, get on a spiral of sex and drugs, sell themselves out to the lowest bidder, fuck up a career, alienate their family, betray their friends, etc etc.

And some people are willing to accept some types of fuck ups that others aren't while being unable to accept some types of fuck ups that others are.

Life is all about fucking up, unless you're perfect I don't see the point in getting so angry at a failure to communicate between two individuals. That's basically all that happens here really. If people were so good at communication we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

This is false. Just because I can communicate my opinion to you and you can communicate yours to me does not mean we are ever going to agree on something.

But it stands to reason that in relationships people get bored, antsy, depressed, lose their lust for each other, feel useless, and communication inevitably breaks down or the foundation wasn't that great to begin with. That's how it is and any amount of yelling at people "TO JUST BE BETTER" won't really fix a reality.

Cheating isn't always the ultimate betrayal for everyone so much as the sad fuck up by someone who wasn't thinking and if their SO accepts their apologies and lets it go, then good for them, none of my business really.

And if they don't you feel the need to attack them and question what type of person they are? Because, guess what, neither myself, nor Zen_Arcade, nor the majority of the people in this topic have said "no one should take a cheater back."

The question was posed "why is adultery supposed to be followed by divorce." And we answered with reasons why we wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on us. We answered with understanding of the situations that lead to cheating and our preference for how they should have been approached instead of cheating. And we answered with the question of why we should be expected to fix a problem we didn't create*. Nowhere did we say "and no one else should put up with it either!" So I do not understand why you're coming at the topic like that is the primary statement being made.


*And yes, I understand that we very well could have contributed to the problems that lead up to the cheating, but how can we fix what we're not made aware of?

Monogamy is a religious concept whether anyone mentioned it in this thread or not.

Monogamy is a societal structuring concept that is independent of religion. There are non-religious cultures with it and religious cultures without it.

There is no defensible, logical reason for leaving someone you love based on one mistake. Anyone who has been in love would know that.

This is another idiotic statement given the number of people IN THIS VERY TOPIC (theres your caps) who have stated they've broken off committed relationships (or would break off committed relationships they are currently in) when (if) cheated on.

 

[Kano on the Phone]

is the bolded legit?

There's not really a good way to tell since it's only based on what people will admit to, but statistics I've seen tend to hover right around fifty percent or a little more of marriages that have had one or the other partner committing an infidelity.

 

[AVclub]

Depends on the mistake. Violence is a one strike deal for me.

That's fair. Fearing for your safety is a legitimate reason to leave. My wife hit me in anger once after we had been together about 5 years. I told her right then and there that, if it ever happened again, there would be no discussion. I would leave and we would be divorced. We are together a total of almost 19 years not, just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary this month. And she's never raised her hand to me a second time.

So I guess for me, even violence wasn't reason enough to bail out after just a single occurrence.

 

[Deleted member 22576]

Do you love the person or do you love the fact that you have some measure of control over them?

I'm not really sure I understand.
Having forms of control distributed throughout social constructs like monogamous relationships or jazz quartets is required to maintain those constructs.

 

[AVclub]

This is another idiotic statement given the number of people IN THIS VERY TOPIC (theres your caps) who have stated they've broken off committed relationships (or would break off committed relationships they are currently in) when (if) cheated on.

People do illogical and indefensible things all the time. That doesn't make them right for doing it. People need to stop putting so much significance on sex. It's just a biological function, not some ultimate ritual of love. Saying you'd dump your spouse because of sex seems just are ludicrous as saying you'd dump them for farting.

 

[The Adder]

People do illogical and indefensible things all the time. That doesn't make them right for doing it. People need to stop putting so much significance on sex. It's just a biological function, not some ultimate ritual of love. Saying you'd dump your spouse because of sex seems just are ludicrous as saying you'd dump them for farting.

Would you just read the fucking topic already, please? Because we went over this shit like two pages ago.

Shit, not even a page ago (on 100 posts per page). Here I am summing the entire detailed conversation (which you should still read so you stop arguing against non-exsistent phantoms) up at the top of this very page

For me, it comes down to this. The best case scenario for someone cheating on their SO is:

"Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing."

The alternative being:

"Baby, I'm sorry. I thought about how bad you'd feel, but couldn't muster up enough care for you to not do it."

I don't personally want to be in either of those relationships.

 

[Mononoke]

I don't see a lot of talking about how cheating is a manifestation of problems, I see a lot of judging all cheating as some kind of "if you wanted sex elsewhere end it." It's a pretty incomplete and black/white view of the act and the person doing it.

In all honesty the way people talk about cheating as the worst betrayal is kind of I dunno, there could be things done that would hurt me way more than him sticking his dick in some other woman.

Maybe it's lacking emotional maturity? I dunno. When I was cheated on, it hurt a lot. Me being upset really didn't have to do with the sex itself (at least in relation to me, I didn't feel inferior), but more so the idea that I had committed to the person, and they didn't live up to that. It was more of an emotional betrayal, and me losing trust in that person.

Fully willing to admit that I might just not be mature enough to be in a long term relationship (especially something like marriage), which would require working on problems such as cheating. But you bring up a really good point (about the focus of cheating being seen as the ultimate betrayal). Again, I can only speak for myself. But my issue more than anything, was my partner not being able to talk to me, the breakdown of trust, and just feeling betrayed that I was living up to the commitment, and she wasn't.

Then again, I've lately struggled with the idea of monogamy. Logically (as I've said), I don't think it really matches up with human behavior. I'm having a harder time justifying it the older I get, and how it's centered around relationships.

 

[AVclub]

For me, it comes down to this. The best case scenario for someone cheating on their SO is:

"Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing."

The alternative being:

"Baby, I'm sorry. I thought about how bad you'd feel, but couldn't muster up enough care for you to not do it."

I don't personally want to be in either of those relationships.

You have a funny definition of "best case scenario." Here's a more accurate version of a best case scenario which unfolds daily across the world: Spouse A somehow encounters a stranger and has some amazing sex with them. Spouse B doesn't know anything about it. Spouse A, after sobering up and realizing what happened thinks, "Damn, my spouse would probably be upset about this. I'll keep it to myself for the rest of my life." Spouse A and B live happily ever after.

 

[The Adder]

You have a funny definition of "best case scenario." Here's a more accurate version of a best case scenario which unfolds daily across the world: Spouse A somehow encounters a stranger and has some amazing sex with them. Spouse B doesn't know anything about it. Spouse A, after sobering up and realizing what happened thinks, "Damn, my spouse would probably be upset about this. I'll keep it to myself for the rest of my life." Spouse A and B live happily ever after.

"Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing. Which is why I'm never going to actually tell you."

Which is a worse scenario than just plain old: "Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing."

You might be alright being lied to for the rest of your life, but personally I'm not.

 

[ishibear]

I have a friend who stuck with her boyfriend despite his infidelity and she's happy, so as far as I'm concerned, good for her. Everyone's free to do whatever they want, its their relationship.

Personally, I don't think I could get passed that so easily. I'm not one to sleep around. I only sleep with someone I'm in a relationship with. I don't have flings and I'm not interested in having sex with anyone I don't feel an emotional connection with.

I don't diss people who don't feel the same as I do because we're all free to make our own decisions. But I'm a romantic and I don't get off on flings. It kills my girl boner lol

So am I wrong to want that from my SO? Is it wrong to want someone who is loyal and considerate? I don't think so, but as far as I know, I am willing to wait around for someone who respects me than to settle for someone that will disrespect me. People who don't like monogamous relationships are free to do whatever they please. I'm not sure I see marriage as a means of perfection, but to at least have someone I can trust to stand by me and I'll do the same.

That is very important to me and being cheated on would seriously break my trust. I can't be with someone I can't trust.

 

[jadedm17]

Yes. Adultery/infidelity is the ultimate sign of betrayal in a relationship. So why stay married then when your significant other does not respect you enough that they are having sex with someone behind your back? To me it's unforgivable. That being said, everyone's life situations and predicaments are different, so I won't necessarily judge someone who wants to work through the cheating etc.

And we're done.

Do what you want but be truthful, don't lie.
If they lied about that then what else?

 

[The Adder]

I have a friend who stuck with her boyfriend despite his infidelity and she's happy, so as far as I'm concerned, good for her. Everyone's free to do whatever they want, its their relationship.

Personally, I don't think I could get passed that so easily. I'm not one to sleep around. I only sleep with someone I'm in a relationship with. I don't have flings and I'm not interested in having sex with anyone I don't feel an emotional connection with.

I don't diss people who don't feel the same as I do because we're all free to make our own decisions. But I'm a romantic and I don't get off on flings. It kills my girl boner lol

So am I wrong to want that from my SO? Is it wrong to want someone who is loyal and considerate? I don't think so, but as far as I know, I am willing to wait around for someone who respects me than to settle for someone that will disrespect me. People who don't like monogamous relationships are free to do whatever they please. I'm not sure I see marriage as a means of perfection, but to at least have someone I can trust to stand by me and I'll do the same.

That is very important to me and being cheated on would seriously break my trust. I can't be with someone I can't trust.

And I on the other hand, am personally not all that opposed to an open relationship. As long as it stays casual and my SO makes sure whoever she sleeps with is using protection and I hold up my end of that bargain as well.

But in a monogamous relationship (which is admittedly the type of relationship I am most comfortable with) I do not and will not sleep with other people and I expect the same of the person I am with. If they want a change I expect to have a talk about it first. If they cheat on me, it's done.

 

[AVclub]

"Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing. Which is why I'm never going to actually tell you."

Which is a worse scenario than just plain old: "Baby, I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking about your feelings at all when I did this extraordinarily hurtful thing."

You might be alright being lied to for the rest of your life, but personally I'm not.

Bullshit. You're lied to by many people, every day. You take it. And you like it. And you continue to live your life. But that isn't even the point. Not saying you cheated, is not a lie. It is the choice to withhold hurtful information. Giving your spouse hurtful information is an act of cruelty. Having sex is not.

 

[The Adder]

Bullshit. You're lied to by many people, every day. You take it. And you like it. And you continue to live your life.

Just because there is nothing I can do about it doesn't mean I like it.

But that isn't even the point. Not saying you cheated, is not a lie. It is the choice to withhold hurtful information.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie#Lying_by_omission

Giving your spouse hurtful information is an act of cruelty. Having sex is not.

1. Giving your spouse the truth even if it may hurt them or may cause them to pull away from you is an act of love and respect.

2. Doing something that you know would hurt your spouse if they knew for your own personal pleasure is an act of selfishness, calousness, and disrespect. Having sex behind their back when in a monogamous relationship is doing just that.

EDIT:

Basically, to sum up: People are different, have different boundaries, have different opinions on what would hurt them and what wouldn't, have different views on what a relationship should and shouldn't be.

For you to come in here and declare that only your view is the correct one and anyone with a differing view is irrational is, frankly, moronic.

For you to do so by citing and parodying an argument that literally no one was making, even more so.

 

[Jarlaxle]

I agree with you OP. People need to understand that loving someone doesn't magically transform you into a desexualized being and that lusting after other bodies isn't such a big deal.

Lusting after other bodies I can understand and tolerate. Acting upon it, I cannot. We are more than primitive beings.

 

[AVclub]

Just because there is nothing I can do about it doesn't mean I like it.

You like it because often times, if people told you the truth, it would be hurtful. As children, we are taught not to say things like, "That's a funny looking mole on your face" to people because, even though it's true it may be hurtful. So is it a lie by omission if we don't tell our friends that we think they look too fat, or have a disfiguring mark on their face?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie#Lying_by_omission

Lying by omission
Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

In order for this to be true, "I had sex with someone else" would need to qualify as an important fact. If that someone else didn't give you a disease, isn't related to either of you, and will never be a part of your life again, then I fail to see how it would bear any importance.

1. Giving your spouse the truth even if it may hurt them or may cause them to pull away from you is an act of love and respect.

2. Doing something that you know would hurt your spouse if they knew for your own personal pleasure is an act of selfishness, calousness, and disrespect. Having sex behind their back when in a monogamous relationship is doing just that.

1. Again, your definitions seem preposterous. How is telling someone something they don't need to know, and will hurt them, and may change their lives forever, an act of love? Your job as a spouse is to love the person you are with and make them happy for the rest of their lives. Telling them you fucked someone else, (whether it happened or not) is the direct opposite of that. The problem is not the sex. The problem is the confession.

2. I grant you that sex with someone other than your partner is selfish. I'm not sure what callousness has to do with anything. Having sex is an act of pleasure, not suffering. As for respect, that's an interesting one. People infer respect or the lack of it, based on our behavior toward them. If your behavior towards your spouse does not change, they will never feel disrespected. If you hold up a middle finger behind their back, you may think you are disrespecting them, but they will not. So who's perception is more important? That of the one doing something disrespectful or that of the person who may potentially be impacted by it? I would argue the perception of the recipient trumps the perception of the giver or denier of respect. Certainly in political situations, sometimes diplomats feel disrespected even though none was meant by the denier of respect.

 

[Subitai]

Speaking hypothetically about a future mrs, I could forgive her (like, if she needed one of my kidneys to survive, I would give her one of mine), but I couldn't stay in the marriage with her after the trust is broken. If she was going behind my back for something that important, what else was deceiving me about? Also, I know I'd have to go into serious therapy trying to put myself back together.

 

[The Adder]

You like it because often times, if people told you the truth, it would be hurtful. As children, we are taught not to say things like, "That's a funny looking mole on your face" to people because, even though it's true it may be hurtful. So is it a lie by omission if we don't tell our friends that we think they look too fat, or have a disfiguring mark on their face?

Yes it is. However, I do not place as high a premium on the honesty of my friends as I do the honesty of my SO.

Lying by omission
Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation.

In order for this to be true, "I had sex with someone else" would need to qualify as an important fact. If that someone else didn't give you a disease, isn't related to either of you, and will never be a part of your life again, then I fail to see how it would bear any importance.

1. "Important" as in "Necessary in order to know the truth" not "How important is it to the person lying."

2. That's your opinion, not everyone else's.

1. Again, your definitions seem preposterous. How is telling someone something they don't need to know, and will hurt them, and may change their lives forever, an act of love? Your job as a spouse is to love the person you are with and make them happy for the rest of their lives. Telling them you fucked someone else, (whether it happened or not) is the direct opposite of that. The problem is not the sex. The problem is the confession.

You don't get to decide what someone else "needs to know" in regards to your romantic relationship with them. That's what this entire topic you refuse to read has been about on both sides. The failure to fucking communicate with each other and how it harms relationships.

It fucking blows my mind that there's actual someone out there who thinks the best way to cultivate a long term relationship is through lies and bottling shit up inside.

I hope it never blows up in your face dude, because if it does it's going to be really fucking ugly.

2. I grant you that sex with someone other than your partner is selfish. I'm not sure what callousness has to do with anything. Having sex is an act of pleasure, not suffering. As for respect, that's an interesting one. People infer respect or the lack of it, based on our behavior toward them. If your behavior towards your spouse does not change, they will never feel disrespected. If you hold up a middle finger behind their back, you may think you are disrespecting them, but they will not. So who's perception is more important? That of the one doing something disrespectful or that of the person who may potentially be impacted by it? I would argue the perception of the recipient trumps the perception of the giver or denier of respect. Certainly in political situations, sometimes diplomats feel disrespected even though none was meant by the denier of respect.

1. cal·lous [kal-uhs]
adjective
1. made hard; hardened.

2. insensitive; indifferent; unsympathetic: They have a callous attitude toward the sufferings of others.

When you read a dictionary you read the definition of the word. Not the example of its use in a sentence. Just a useful piece of advice to use for the rest of your life. You're very much welcome.

2. When you flip someone off behind their back you are disrespecting them. They are unaware that you are disrespecting them, but you are disrespecting them. Showing disrespect is an action, not Schrodinger's cat. When you accidentally disrespect someone, you are accidentally disrespecting them.

 

[CountAntonius]

When the trust is gone It won't work.

 

[Wazzy]

It's entirely up to the person if they want to stay together or not. In most cases, it's way more understandable that they would divorce since the trust has been broken and repairing that is generally too hard. It's monogamy for a reason. If they want to sleep with more than one person, open relationships exist and consist of a healthy trust between two partners.

 

[empty vessel]

People fuck up. Other people give them second chances because life is all about forgiveness for some people. People know when they have a good thing but that won't keep them from making mistakes and shitting all over it sometimes. It's not just relationships people do this to, it's life. People fuck up scholarships, get on a spiral of sex and drugs, sell themselves out to the lowest bidder, fuck up a career, alienate their family, betray their friends, etc etc.

Life is all about fucking up, unless you're perfect I don't see the point in getting so angry at a failure to communicate between two individuals. That's basically all that happens here really. If people were so good at communication we wouldn't even be having this discussion. But it stands to reason that in relationships people get bored, antsy, depressed, lose their lust for each other, feel useless, and communication inevitably breaks down or the foundation wasn't that great to begin with. That's how it is and any amount of yelling at people "TO JUST BE BETTER" won't really fix a reality.

Cheating isn't always the ultimate betrayal for everyone so much as the sad fuck up by someone who wasn't thinking and if their SO accepts their apologies and lets it go, then good for them, none of my business really.

This is a wise answer, I think.

 

[Wiktor]

There is no defensible, logical reason for leaving someone you love based on one mistake. Anyone who has been in love would know that.

Well, if you ever been in love you should know people have those things called emotions and feelings and aren't just computers calculating benefits and cons.

 

[AVclub]

You don't get to decide what someone else "needs to know" in regards to your romantic relationship with them. That's what this entire topic you refuse to read has been about on both sides. The failure to fucking communicate with each other and how it harms relationships.

It fucking blows my mind that there's actual someone out there who thinks the best way to cultivate a long term relationship is through lies and bottling shit up inside.

I hope it never blows up in your face dude, because if it does it's going to be really fucking ugly.

You absolutely get to decide. What you don't say to people is every bit as important as what you do say. Does my partner need to know I took a nasty shit during my lunch break? Nope. It doesn't effect them at all. It just released some stuff in me and I feel a bit better after having done it. Now I can continue being the awesome spouse that I've always been and I'm not lying by omission when I never mention that shit for the rest of our lives together. Whether it's shit going out, or penis going in, the concept is the same.

And your implication is expected and not the least bit offensive, by the way. When I've made this argument in other threads, I've been attacked personally. And usually it winds up coming out that I am in an open relationship. My wife and I are extremely happy and have been together longer than some GAFfers have been alive. I speak with experience when I say what I say. And it makes me chuckle just a bit more each time you proclaim how stupid I am. If you know how my weekend had gone so far, you'd probably shit yourself, then run off to tell your significant other all the gory details for fear of keeping important facts from them.

 

[Wazzy]

I also don't understand the reason to divorce if it happened once or twice in 20 years of marriage. On less lengthy relationships though it makes perfect sense.

Let's not pretend cheating is some minor mistake and not an EXTREME breach of a persons trust and health.

What if they weren't safe and accidentally spread an STD? Sure, we're adding more variables into the equation but these are the kind of reasons why a relationship would end and it's perfectly okay and understandable.

You might not end it based off that. Fine. That's completely up to you. But to act as if it's weird people would end a long lasting relationship over cheating is not something you'll hear many people back you up on.

 

[striferser]

It's betrayal. breach of trust. Plain and simple.
The only reason you married is because you want to commit to your significant other. That's it.

Beside, it's awkward as hell trying to ignore it. Might as well divorce

 

[Furyous]

It immediately follows because it has to happen. Put yourself in their shoes. After how many times of coming home to your spouse cheating on your bed would it take to divorce them? At what point does the habitual cheating cause you to cancel the marriage?

I hate the selfish logic revolving around staying together for the kids. If the children were such an issue then the spouse should've thought about that prior to cheating. As a kid watching one parent flash step away sucks. However, as I grew up I realized people ain't shit and there are times when you have to step away.

 

[TheJLC]

It's a huge breach of trust. It's a betrayal, a selfish act against your partner.

Adultery is like grabbing all the trust someone has in your and throwing it into the trash bin and making sure the garbage man picks it up. Whatever you try to do, it just won't be the same because the original trust is lone gone and probably in the landfill next to your self-esteem and ability to forgive.

 

[Kano on the Phone]

It immediately follows because it has to happen. Put yourself in their shoes. After how many times of coming home to your spouse cheating on your bed would it take to divorce them? At what point does the habitual cheating cause you to cancel the marriage?

I hate the selfish logic revolving around staying together for the kids. If the children were such an issue then the spouse should've thought about that prior to cheating. As a kid watching one parent flash step away sucks. However, as I grew up I realized people ain't shit and there are times when you have to step away.

These are arguments that nobody is making.

 

[The Adder]

]And your implication is expected and not the least bit offensive, by the way. When I've made this argument in other threads, I've been attacked personally. And usually it winds up coming out that I am in an open relationship. My wife and I are extremely happy and have been together longer than some GAFfers have been alive. I speak with experience when I say what I say. And it makes me chuckle just a bit more each time you proclaim how stupid I am. If you know how my weekend had gone so far, you'd probably shit yourself, then run off to tell your significant other all the gory details for fear of keeping important facts from them.

And this proves once and for all that you are utterly incapable of reading the god damned topic considering once again literally everyone who has a problem with cheating has a problem with cheating in a monogamous relationship and has said as much. And have also said that talking about wanting an open relationship instead of cheating is something you should do.

You're not talking from experience, you're talking from complete and willful ignorance.

In conclusion: Having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with when both you and your SO agree that's cool is not cheating and is certainly not a breach of trust (which is the entire reason cheating is bad) and your posts have been entirely irrelevant.

 

[adamsappel]

Do people believe that their partners never lie to them? Never been told one lie in the entire relationship? Do you never, ever lie to them? I find that unbelievable.

 

[Wazzy]

Do people believe that their partners never lie to them? Never been told one lie in the entire relationship? Do you never, ever lie to them? I find that unbelievable.

What are you getting at? What kind of lies are we talking about? Because not all lies are on the same level.

 

[Phoenix]

Do people believe that their partners never lie to them? Never been told one lie in the entire relationship? Do you never, ever lie to them? I find that unbelievable.

To be fair, there is a difference between:

No that dress doesn't make you look fat.

- and -

No I wasn't in Singapore with someone's balls in my face.

 

[ThoughtsOfSpeaking]

I wouldn't divorce someone for cheating. But i wouldn't forgive them straight away either. She would have a long hard road to walk back, to get things back the way they were.

 

[Log4Girlz]

To be fair, there is a difference between:

No that dress doesn't make you look fat.

- and -

No I wasn't in Singapore with someone's balls in my face.

Very minor difference

 

[nvrndr]

Whenever OP gets in a relationship he's gonna find out his GF is cheating. Her explanation "I was just walking up some stairs, tripped, and was about to have a nasty fall until I saw this mans penis and that was the only thing to cushion my fall!"

All is right in OP's world.

 

[rooflapimp]

You absolutely get to decide. What you don't say to people is every bit as important as what you do say. Does my partner need to know I took a nasty shit during my lunch break? Nope. It doesn't effect them at all. It just released some stuff in me and I feel a bit better after having done it. Now I can continue being the awesome spouse that I've always been and I'm not lying by omission when I never mention that shit for the rest of our lives together. Whether it's shit going out, or penis going in, the concept is the same.

Are you equating taking a shit and cheating on your SO? Uhh...

So where do you draw the line? How many times would your SO have to cheat on you for you to say enough is enough? 5? 10? 50?

 

[adamsappel]

To be fair, there is a difference between:

No that dress doesn't make you look fat.

- and -

No I wasn't in Singapore with someone's balls in my face.

What are you getting at? What kind of lies are we talking about? Because not all lies are on the same level.

We lie and are lied to about far less serious things, that if we were told the truth, would momentarily sting and cause resentment. We are perfectly happy with lying to avoid these awful little moments. Why wouldn't you lie to avoid heaping so much pain on a person you love? Do you think that every person who's cheated didn't love their partner?

Some people want to be told if their partner cheats on them. Would you want your partner to say, "I was in Singapore with someone's balls in my face," or would you prefer they lie by omission and leave that part out? So, again, some awful, horrible lies seem to be okay.

Do people ever fantasize about another person? Do you volunteer that information to your partner?

 

[SpaceBridge]

Heres a question: what if bringing up the topic of opening the relationship, just discussing it, ends a marriage/LTR?

 

[Phoenix]

We lie and are lied to about far less serious things, that if we were told the truth, would momentarily sting and cause resentment. We are perfectly happy with lying to avoid these awful little moments. Why wouldn't you lie to avoid heaping so much pain on a person you love? Do you think that every person who's cheated didn't love their partner?

Some people want to be told if their partner cheats on them. Would you want your partner to say, "I was in Singapore with someone's balls in my face," or would you prefer they lie by omission and leave that part out? So, again, some awful, horrible lies seem to be okay.

Do people ever fantasize about another person? Do you volunteer that information to your partner?

Well in this particular instance I'm not talking about a lie of omission. I'm talking about an affirmative lie based on a query:

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

"Were you seeing someone in Singapore?"

In the affirmative case those two instances are not of equal weight, at least not that I can see in a reasonable case.

 

[The Adder]

Heres a question: what if bringing up the topic of opening the relationship, just discussing it, ends a marriage/LTR?

It would suck. Cheating would have done the same thing and everyone would have felt worse about it.

 

[legend166]

If a woman wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she better never eat shellfish again. My religion tells me that shellfish eating is a sin. So if she decides to try one at a buffet one day, then that is the ultimate betrayal of trust. And it doesn't matter that I love her immensely. It doesn't matter that we've been together for more than half of our lives. Her deciding to have a taste of something delicious, and enjoying herself, despite breaking the arbitrary religious rule I've imposed upon her, is somehow a slap in my face. Her mouth is forever soiled! It shows that all those years we've been together have been for nothing, despite all the joy we've shared, all the love we've felt for each other, and all the children we've brought into the world. She cheated on a religious principle and that means she cheated on me. Now she can go to hell!

LOL!

I just wanted to point out that orthodox Christian doctrine, as mentioned numerous times in the New Testament (I'm going to assume that your point is that monogamy is a Christian construct), at no stage even hints that eating shellfish is a sin. In fact, the entire idea of certain foods being off limits to Christian believers (as it was to Jews under the Old Covenant) is argued against by Jesus, the guy who wrote a lot of the NT, and all the other Aposotles, i.e. everyone who actually started Christianity.

So your analogy sorta fails on a number of levels.

 

[Wazzy]

We lie and are lied to about far less serious things, that if we were told the truth, would momentarily sting and cause resentment. We are perfectly happy with lying to avoid these awful little moments. Why wouldn't you lie to avoid heaping so much pain on a person you love? Do you think that every person who's cheated didn't love their partner?

Some people want to be told if their partner cheats on them. Would you want your partner to say, "I was in Singapore with someone's balls in my face," or would you prefer they lie by omission and leave that part out? So, again, some awful, horrible lies seem to be okay.

Do people ever fantasize about another person? Do you volunteer that information to your partner?

These comparisons are not even close to the same level as cheating.

Cheating isn't a lie that just emotionally hurts but also has the chance of physically damaging someone. You cannot put everyday lies on the same level as cheating. Accepting both is a persons prerogative and is none of my business. But when you enter a monagmous relationship, you set rules. Breaking them is a very easy way to end a relationship.

It's also a matter of honesty. Not telling them nor not wanting to be told is a poor and unhealthy way to handle cheating. If it's something you see yourself forgiving, you should want to hear about and discuss it. I see it as a larger concern if they're not honest about it.

 

[YoungHav]

So those with a more conservative take on marriage just ignore the "till death" part in vows? One shouldn't be literally miserable for life but I think the vows imply attempting to work through marital problems?

 

[peanutbutterlatte]

Then either you haven't been in a decent relationship or you've cheated on someone. Breach of trust isn't that hard to comprehend.