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I think I've given up on my sister.
- Thread starter Ray Wonder
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Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
She's basically not. They sleep in the same room, but it's at completely different times of day. My sister leaves as soon as she wakes up, and doesn't come back until she's tired.
DoktorEvil
Banned
You had an intervention, sent her to rehab multiple times, and you still don't know why she relapses?
Has no one bothered to ask her?
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
She said money triggers her. That's the most we've gotten out of her. She said anytime she gets money in her hands, she thinks about it being drugs. Other than that, when you ask. The answer is always "I don't know".
ThatGuyAgain
Member
Very sad story OP. I'm not sure anyone can save her from herself but her... and she will have to want that.
The only thing I think that may (hopefully eventually) bring her back is that her daughter is taken from her and she is kicked out of the house with no financial support.
The only thing I think that may (hopefully eventually) bring her back is that her daughter is taken from her and she is kicked out of the house with no financial support.
Yeah, basically.
brickarts295
Member
Never give up on family.
DoktorEvil
Banned
Was she always addicted to money or drugs or anything? Does her personality indicate someone who can be easily addictive?
themidnightsun156
Member
im sorry to hear this op, your sister is endangering the household by bringing dubious characters in it, jail might be the only thing that wakes her up or it might make her worse, creating a heavy animosity towards the family and once she gets out she'll take your niece and you'll never see them again, i don't know if they will give an ex-convict guardianship over a child, even if its their own
but do not call CPS on her! that's punishing the child for the idiocy of the mother, and to get her back you'll have to jump through so many hoops and so much time will elapse that something bad might happen to your niece in foster care, and there's no guarantee you'll get her back
but do not call CPS on her! that's punishing the child for the idiocy of the mother, and to get her back you'll have to jump through so many hoops and so much time will elapse that something bad might happen to your niece in foster care, and there's no guarantee you'll get her back
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Yeah, she started smoking cigarettes early. She was pretty troubled growing up. Her and my mom were in counseling for her behavior for a while when she was in highschool. I don't remember the details I was a little kid then.
OP mentioned she was on Psych meds. Likely explanation is either they aren't making her perfectly balanced, so she's seeking alternative meds to balance herself, or they were working, but a one-time daliance with mood-altering substances made her feel even better.
I'm going through very similar stuff with my sister. She started off with Alcohol. 3+ trips to rehab cleaned her up, but her addiction switched to Caffeine. A few months later, she's busted at work stealing pills (she was a pharmacy tech). We have no idea what to do about her...we've been hoping that she's hit rock bottom and recognizes the need for change, but each year she redefines rock bottom.
Triggerhappytel
Member
I disagree. 7 years of trying to the right thing and it having no effect would grind a person down. Everyone has a limit, and I think it's fair if Ray has passed his.
DoktorEvil
Banned
Have you ever asked your sister about the details, one on one? From what it sounds like, something traumatic happened.
I'm not discounting that she might be off tilt because of psychiatric meds. Maybe her body quickly acclimated to the mood altering drugs or that she doesn't take them and is looking for the same fix.
themidnightsun156
Member
he didn't, she gave up on them and herself, sometimes you need to cut people lose or they will drag you down with them, ive seen it multiple times, a friend of a friend went to jail so many times that his mom was afraid he was going to completely bankrupt her (nearly did) by paying his bail and court fees that she went back to her home country
to say "never give up on family" is to say never give up on people, im sorry but some people are hopeless
My brother was in the same way, minus the prostitution.
Him finally going to jail (again) was a huge relief on everyone in the family. I think it finally woke him up this time.
I know what it's like to have to deal with that bullshit day-in and day-out. Jail was the only option. You don't have to worry about them getting hurt or being on the streets or them hurting anyone else. Huge relief.
Him finally going to jail (again) was a huge relief on everyone in the family. I think it finally woke him up this time.
I know what it's like to have to deal with that bullshit day-in and day-out. Jail was the only option. You don't have to worry about them getting hurt or being on the streets or them hurting anyone else. Huge relief.
Lone Wolf
Member
I will never understand this line of thinking. OP did not give up. He is out of options. SHE gave up, on her family, her daughter, and her life. They have to let her go. Call probation.
Exactly. Excellent post.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Yeah, I have. She always says our Dad dying turned her into an alcoholic.. I don't think that's why she does what she does now though.
Before that, I have no idea.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Honestly, it doesn't sound like jail will do much, if anything, in the long term. It's a short term measure to keep her life from spiralling any further, but it won't change her behaviour when she comes out.
She'll be back to doing what she's doing now. It's hard to accept, but there are some people who just can't be helped until they reach a point where they realise their life is a disaster. It's possible she'll die on the streets or in prison, but again, there's only so much that anyone can do for her if she's not interested in seeking help or is simply unable to change her behaviour.
I feel shitty for even suggesting it, but after reading the OP's replies, it sounds like he's and his family have gone above and beyond to try and help her and it hasn't work. You can't dedicate and disrupt your own and others lives to ensuring someone else doesn't ruin theirs.
Disagree. There's a limit to how far you need to go to preserve the cultural notion of family. Basically, if you are putting in and not getting anything out at some point you need to stop and think about yourself. It's just like a bad relationship, you need to end it.
ScatheZombie
Member
You cannot help someone who doesn't want help. Your sister won't get better until she wants to get better and there's nothing you can do about that.
I had a similar situation with my uncle about 15 years ago. He was a fairly heavy drug user (cocaine, heroin) and had multiple run-ins with the police. He would regularly stumble home drunk or high, was barely keeping his job, stealing money from coworkers, friends, family - even mugging people on the street for pocket change to buy more drugs. My mom felt really bad for him and took him in to try to clean him up. She tried just about everything including locking him up in a room for days to flush all the drugs out of his system. Every time it would work for a couple weeks, couple months and then he would go right back to using again and spiral out of control. It turned into a cycle of her kicking him out, him begging her to help him again, then he would fuck up and go on binge, repeat. This went on for probably 3 or 4 years.
Eventually, he got arrested breaking into major retail store (a Target I think) and loading up a van with TVs and shit. He was also high as a fucking kite with enough drugs in his possession to get an additional 'intent to distribute' charge. He ended up in jail for several years.
When he got out, my mom took him in again. But this time, something was different. He actually wanted to get better. He hasn't used in probably 5 or 6 years now. He got a better job, cleaned up a lot of his life, and while he still needs some support from my mom - he's pretty much turned everything around.
But that probably wouldn't have happened if he didn't get sent to jail. Now, I'm not saying sending your sister to jail is going to end up for the better. She could come back worse than ever. But it's obvious she doesn't want help and doesn't want to get better. And it's going to take a life-altering event for her to change. Jail might be the best answer to that.
I had a similar situation with my uncle about 15 years ago. He was a fairly heavy drug user (cocaine, heroin) and had multiple run-ins with the police. He would regularly stumble home drunk or high, was barely keeping his job, stealing money from coworkers, friends, family - even mugging people on the street for pocket change to buy more drugs. My mom felt really bad for him and took him in to try to clean him up. She tried just about everything including locking him up in a room for days to flush all the drugs out of his system. Every time it would work for a couple weeks, couple months and then he would go right back to using again and spiral out of control. It turned into a cycle of her kicking him out, him begging her to help him again, then he would fuck up and go on binge, repeat. This went on for probably 3 or 4 years.
Eventually, he got arrested breaking into major retail store (a Target I think) and loading up a van with TVs and shit. He was also high as a fucking kite with enough drugs in his possession to get an additional 'intent to distribute' charge. He ended up in jail for several years.
When he got out, my mom took him in again. But this time, something was different. He actually wanted to get better. He hasn't used in probably 5 or 6 years now. He got a better job, cleaned up a lot of his life, and while he still needs some support from my mom - he's pretty much turned everything around.
But that probably wouldn't have happened if he didn't get sent to jail. Now, I'm not saying sending your sister to jail is going to end up for the better. She could come back worse than ever. But it's obvious she doesn't want help and doesn't want to get better. And it's going to take a life-altering event for her to change. Jail might be the best answer to that.
DoktorEvil
Banned
It had enough of an effect on her that it started a chain reaction. Does she like your step-father or your mother?
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
They've had their ups and downs. Both my mom and my stepdad with her. But nothing extremely bad. Just normal. We would go on camping trips, and to amusement parks just like any other family. She never "hated" either of them.
DoktorEvil
Banned
What about your dad? From what you remember, were they close?
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
He died when I was thirteen, and he was living somewhere else from when I was 1 year old until he died. I didn't know him all too well, or know his relationship with my sister. I didn't really care what there relationship was, I was a little kid. My stepdad came in when I was 2 years old. He's been more of a dad than my father ever was.
What's worth mentioning is my father died from liver failure. He was an alcoholic. My sister did probably get his addictive genes. He was 100% Chippewa native american, and I've heard that they have addiction problems.
your niece should get as far away from that woman as possible.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
The only reason she's there is because she had no where else to go. She was doing good for about 3 months there. Then over a month period she's been back to what she was before. We weren't quick to kick her out, I know. It's tough to commit to do something like that.
itzknickknac
Member
Damn OP, I wish I could help. I would say do one final intervention. Even if you already know it won't affect her, you probably should let your sister know, as a family, that ya'll tried with everything ya'll had to keep her away from all this.
6-7 years of 10+ rehabs, counseling, interventions, to the point where she's even used your mom's house as contact for prostitution which I'd say is beyond the line. Leaves when she wakes and comes hope to sleep when she's tired. It seems like she's almost neglected her daughter (your niece). I think it's time to notify her probation officer.
It might be a stretch saying this but, would your family consider moving to a new house? Even with her in jail for 5+ years it won't solve the rest of the problems. When she's out she may come back and fall back into the same routines and habits. At the end of the day, it's her that needs to decide when she's gonna change and I wouldn't lose complete faith. She shouldn't be putting ya'll through this, especially her daughter.
Any Questions
Member
This is right on point.
I Feel bad for you. Horrible situation for you all. I think if you and your family want to move on with kindness then perhaps you need a break from your sister. You can always offer an olive branch but you need something you can work with.
Sounds like your trying all you can. Talk it out with those who will be left looking after your niece and all decide how to move forward which will be the best for everyone.
Future PhaZe
Member
Don't turn her into jail. Route she's going she'll get there herself, but don't be the one to make that move because that's a decision you can't take back.
I might sound like I'm harsh but for me there's no other way when it comes to this:
You offered help, she got the support anyone in this situation would love to get but she refused it and it doesn't seem like she will be changing any time soon. It's hard to let somebody go just like that, even worse when that someone is related by blood but my best advice in this situation is to let her go and take care of your niece, she should be the priority right now and it seems her mom is in no condition nor willing to take good care of her.
It's hard but after so much time trying to help her it's best to let that person go and not let your family keep getting dragged down by her. Hopefully she'll realize she needs to change sooner rather than later.
Edit: Just to add something: I have a cousin who has done plenty of things, some of them include drugs, pickpocketing, robbery and more, he got help from my mom, my aunt and my grandmother, he didn't understand and now he's in jail and no one go visits him. I don't recognize him as my cousin anymore and knowing he's my cousin actually embarrasses me.
You offered help, she got the support anyone in this situation would love to get but she refused it and it doesn't seem like she will be changing any time soon. It's hard to let somebody go just like that, even worse when that someone is related by blood but my best advice in this situation is to let her go and take care of your niece, she should be the priority right now and it seems her mom is in no condition nor willing to take good care of her.
It's hard but after so much time trying to help her it's best to let that person go and not let your family keep getting dragged down by her. Hopefully she'll realize she needs to change sooner rather than later.
Edit: Just to add something: I have a cousin who has done plenty of things, some of them include drugs, pickpocketing, robbery and more, he got help from my mom, my aunt and my grandmother, he didn't understand and now he's in jail and no one go visits him. I don't recognize him as my cousin anymore and knowing he's my cousin actually embarrasses me.
This, exactly.
I have a brother who sounds very similar and DAMN glad he never had any kids as that seems like it would horribly complicate things. Is your niece's father still in the picture?
My bro almost died a year and a half ago. He passed out from drinking and drugs on his side and didn't move for 20 hours or something. He had lots of tissue die and he has a limp now. The doctor said if the person who found him was an hour or so later he probably would have died. He's in jail now as he's broken his probation probably a dozen times now.
My bro almost died a year and a half ago. He passed out from drinking and drugs on his side and didn't move for 20 hours or something. He had lots of tissue die and he has a limp now. The doctor said if the person who found him was an hour or so later he probably would have died. He's in jail now as he's broken his probation probably a dozen times now.
ThatGuyAgain
Member
I agree to this to an extent, but by not taking her child from her (mostly for safety purposes) and by not stopping all financial and living support, they are enabling her to continue down the same path... a path that has continued for years. My opinion is that something drastic needs to change for her to want to change herself.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
Last year, I would have agreed. Maybe even two months ago. Maybe a year from now, I'll agree again. Right now, I'm run ragged. I'm tired of seeing my mom cry over this. I'm tired of the hell she puts my niece through with the emotional rollercoaster of "Oh my mom's normal again!", to "Oh my mom is back to drugs.." It's not healthy for me, or them. Just a few months back my mom had a heart attack scare. (See the thread where I got a speeding ticket trying to go see her) I have no doubt that was from stress from my sister.
This is how I see it. The desire for change has to come from within, and if OP's sister gets to live at home and have her daughter taken care of for her while she is off getting high.. where is the incentive for change? I'm not sure prison is the answer.
I'm going through a similar situation with someone I care about except her addiction has already cost her her own parental rights. Her desire to be clean comes from wanting her daughter back. She knows that her addiction has consequences that she gives a shit about so she is trying to stay sober and get her life back on track. Seems to me OP's sister needs the same kind of reality check.
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