It's always easy to say "Get help.", but I know from personal experience it's hard to seek it out. Especially when you are not used to opening up.
I've been where you've been, maybe I somehow still am where you are. It's frightening and looking into the future seems bleek when you feel like you have no goals for life, except for the idea of going to sleep, having it all stop for a blink of an eye and thinking "Who knows, maybe I won't wake up tomorrow and it's all over."
But I learned to live with it. The thought of millions of people having it worse eases the pain. Making small goals and accomplishing them makes you feel better.
One goal at a time.
Writing an application for a part time job. Finishing that damn college, so you can say: "Fuck you college! Ya ain't bringing me down! I succeeded where others have failed or didn't even try!" Contacting an old friend, or even taking part in the easiest form of social contact here on GAF a different message board or in a chat room.
Make yourself heard. Not only about yourself, but also trivial shit. That TV show you watched and thought was shit. Look for similarities in opinions. Even with strangers. It's the feel of recognition we seek. Being part of something, anything is better, than keeping it for yourself. And even posting that you feel like shit in here, is the first step to recovery.
Don't give up. Never. You're greatest day might be right around the corner. Talk to someone, anyone you trust, and if you don't have one seek someone professional out.
And if you don't like that idea, just PM me. I bet others in here are also willing to talk to you in a more personal form if you'd like that.
I didn't have a bad day today, this reaction comes from every bad day of my life. I've had bullies, both at school and at home. I hardly was ever allowed to hang out with friends or go out by myself. I was always lectured, then criticized then insulted by my parents for receiving awful grades throughout K-12 and even in community college. Followed by I guess what you people call physical abuse (The instances in which events like that happened were... too many to count, I honestly can't remember them all). Once or twice in my childhood I threatened to call the cops but my parents also threatened me with this reason: that if I did that I would never see them again. And so I never threatened them again. I have no backbone and every time I defend myself I am utterly destroyed, emotionally and mentally. When my sisters don't defend themselves in an argument, I play the hero (because I'm the eldest) and try to save them, only to be put down and criticized. I don't do that anymore though. My teachers also always disregarded me because of my academic standing in their respective classes (middle school; 6-8th grade). I had a school counselor trying to help me but I just stayed quiet most of the time when I could help it. Looking back, one could say that I refused to be helped.
I cry as I type this sentence, my life has been hell and it's been a waste of time.
I'm just rambling.....
That shit is rough, I won't sugarcoat it. Giving advice is always easy, but I can't say I've been in quite the same situation with my family, which yes was distant but not a constant thorne in my side. Get out of this enviroment that is dragging you down, as fast as possible. That's what I did as soon as possible, because of the idea of my family bringing me down (military service for 9 months and college far away). Foreign exchange programm, job on travel, military service or getting a job to afford an own place. There are other options. Seek them out.
