Two days before my final attempt at the qualifying exam on Monday. I've had so many conflicting emotions I don't really know how to feel. The whole thing is basically the entirety of the knowledge of undergrad in CS (many fields in classes I never took), so at no point do I feel like I could ever be truly "ready". You just can't know everything from every field and subfield (they even throw hardware stuff in there).
I honestly don't know what to think. If I don't do good enough to pass my advisor said he'd go to bat for me to try to get me some arrangement, i.e., take an undergrad class in something I need work with and take the test yet again. But I really don't want that. I'm through with the stress of this exam that's been hanging over me for 2 years. Two years of "hey you may not belong in this program, among people who passed this their first or second try". Studying for this means weeks upon weeks of worry, trying to eke out some plan in the sea of information I have to know, not doing any of my research, basically eating/breathing/sleeping this material for the test. It's too much. My advisor's been so supportive in trying to get me through the program that I'd feel like an asshole for not wanting him to keep me on it, like I'd be actively rejecting staying in the program. And that may be, but I'm really done with the stress and uncertainty. I need a definitive yes/no answer after this exam.
I'd love to use that as an opportunity to move away, probably to get an MS here and try the PhD again somewhere far, maybe in the northeast area. I've always loved it there. I've been in here for just too long (did my undergrad here too). That'd be a really silver lining, but damn if I'm not feeling like shit. Some people I know are getting offers for internships next summer this week and it's making me more depressed.
I feel I'm psyching myself out before I even take the exam. I told myself I wouldn't do this, even made a two-week plan of what I needed to study each and every day for the past two weeks to prevent any "omg could I have done more" feeling, and have been at it for ~4/5 hours a day on this, with no days off. That probably doesn't sound like too much for some of you but the concentration of information I've had to cram in during that time is tremendous and I feel like it's leaking out already.
Maybe I'll feel better after the test. I'll be in trouble if I don't.