German Hops
GAF's Nicest Lunch Thief
For the majority of my life I thought I was introverted, but for the past few days, I began taking a slew of autism tests and the results came out strong every time.
I just don't know what to think anymore..
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Living with adult autism/neurodivergence .
- Thread starter German Hops
- Start date
I just don't know what to think anymore..
TheInfamousKira
Reseterror Resettler
I wouldn't bog my sense of identity to it or anything severe, I mean
First and foremost, you are what's between your ears and no amount of recontextualization or sub categorization is going to change aspects of yourself that you feel are weak spots, autism or not. Not trying to be preachy or anything close, I swear.
And I know that understanding why you are the way you are can provide insight for self betterment, or proper treatment when before you had been neglecting it, I get that there's a practical reason to know. I just worry that people attempt to find umbrellas to fit under as a kind of shield to excuse the things that they find too daunting to approach. I say that from experience, so maybe I'm biased and wrong and just suck, but this is what a doobie does.
darrylgorn
Member
Keep doing your thing GH. If you have any Asian persuasion, you might enjoy Minka. 
Cyberpunkd
Member
Same reason I will get my car check by a mechanic and not conclude things because I read a few car maintenance books?
Your “hobby studying” doesn’t compare to someone spending a few years learning.
Whitecrow
Banned
I was so frustrated with mine, I can only imagine at 36... are you doing fine?
Spyxos
Gold Member
Yes thank you I am fine. I have long accepted that I am different. Now I just know why. I see a therapist every 2 weeks. Are you taking any medication? I have heard that they can be life changing.
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I have kids on the spectrum, my father is an antisocial and mostly emotionless man (on the surface), my paternal cousin has OCD/TS, I'm diagnosed ADHD as an adult.
I'm unsure if I'd count as autistic as well, but I certainly check a lot of the boxes. I never look people in the eye, I hyperfocus on one passion besides gaming, I can't read emotions unless they're obvious, had major speech delays as a child that required therapy, always feel anxious and uneasy in group social settings and don't know how to act, have always only had 1 or 2 good friends (my best friend has Asperger's), and the most obvious symptom is my encyclopedic knowledge of big titty porn stars like OP - Codi Vore, Ella Knox, Anna Blaze, and 30's Natasha Nice are my recent faves.
I also T-Rex armed all the time as a kid, but my mother basically screamed at me every time I did it that "only retards do that", so that habit was mostly killed off. When I notice myself occasionally doing it now and I'm at home, I flap that shit and pretend I'm a dinosaur and it's so liberating.
I'm unsure if I'd count as autistic as well, but I certainly check a lot of the boxes. I never look people in the eye, I hyperfocus on one passion besides gaming, I can't read emotions unless they're obvious, had major speech delays as a child that required therapy, always feel anxious and uneasy in group social settings and don't know how to act, have always only had 1 or 2 good friends (my best friend has Asperger's), and the most obvious symptom is my encyclopedic knowledge of big titty porn stars like OP - Codi Vore, Ella Knox, Anna Blaze, and 30's Natasha Nice are my recent faves.
I also T-Rex armed all the time as a kid, but my mother basically screamed at me every time I did it that "only retards do that", so that habit was mostly killed off. When I notice myself occasionally doing it now and I'm at home, I flap that shit and pretend I'm a dinosaur and it's so liberating.
Fuz
Banned
22:22:22
NO PAIN TRANCE CONTINUE
I know what you mean and in some gradation I agree. But with that said multiple professionals took 15 years to figure out I'm on the spectrum and never recognized my PTSS symptoms.
I'm not saying "professional's bad" but if i had not looked up PTSS and stumbled upon CPTSS I would've perhaps never gotten into the EMDR therapy i recently started at 40 years old.
Just saying
Fuz
Banned
I mean, you're german. Isn't that the norm there?
I'm noticing a severe lack of Xev Bellringer in your diet, I'll prescribe you some photos and videos, use twice weekly and we'll do a check up in a month.
German Hops
GAF's Nicest Lunch Thief
Humdinger
Member
Ok, well next time you have some sadness or anxiety, make sure to schedule an appointment for a full psychiatric evaluation. It could be clinical depression! Next time you are short of breath, make sure to consult a cardiologist. It could be a heart attack! Next time you forget where you put your car keys, schedule an appointment for full neuropsychological screening. It could be early onset dementia! It'll only take two days and cost a couple hundred dollars.
Above all, make sure not to educate yourself on the matter! Always get a full professional evaluation first, before making up your mind about anything. You are not capable of figuring things out by yourself, silly person!
I read hundreds of pages by experts in the field; I did a lot of digging. I also have expertise in a related field, which I won't go into here. I'm not some noob who doesn't know how to change his oil. You're being rude and foolish, and you have problems with reading comprehension. Go pester someone else.
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Cyberpunkd
Member
Ummm…yes? In general you should get maximum information before you make up your mind about anything.
Days like these...
Have a Blessed Day
I'm a recovering misandrist I don't think that counts as neurodivergent. I'm not humble bragging either this ain't the Oppression Olympics.
German Hops
GAF's Nicest Lunch Thief
I find your sarcasm to be oppressive.
I believe that many people could be neuro divergent, but since they don't have a diagnosis and they aren't heavily affected by this, they could be considered "normal people".
I mean, I could be neuro divergent as well. I can go to a doctor who analyze the entire spectrum of neurodivergence and he surely find something in me. But despite some mental issue I had, some struggle, etc, I would consider myself "normal".
Edit: basically, I wonder where is the line from being prone to mental issues and being really affected to them. Because I wouldn't take pills or treatments for being just prone to something, and I think it's not right.
I mean, I could be neuro divergent as well. I can go to a doctor who analyze the entire spectrum of neurodivergence and he surely find something in me. But despite some mental issue I had, some struggle, etc, I would consider myself "normal".
Edit: basically, I wonder where is the line from being prone to mental issues and being really affected to them. Because I wouldn't take pills or treatments for being just prone to something, and I think it's not right.
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Whitecrow
Banned
Glad to hear that. I think a therapist can do wonders for people like us who doesnt feel like fitting.
Yep, right now I'm on concerta. Without it I would waste all my time on internet or games without doing anything productive ever : (
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Spyxos
Gold Member
What other changes have you noticed? If there were any.
Whitecrow
Banned
Well... there's not many changes besides being more productive, really. If you have a constant source of dopamine, your brain shuts up and stops asking desperately for it, so you have more will power.
Also, personally, I feel like I have less emotional barrier when trying to do things, but it's very subtle.
Depending on dosage, one can feel more anxious or depressed, even more irritable but the correct dosage works great and positives outweight the negatives.
Some people can do without it tho, depends on the person and circumstances.
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TheInfamousKira
Reseterror Resettler
So scifi and fantasy with detailed worldbuilding, anime, Lord of the Rings, and Star Trek...
So hardcore video games of every type, particularly outside of the Call of Duty paradigm...
So message board enthusiasts...
You're Captain of the S.S. Autism Magnet.
Also disturbed to say that as a message board browsing, high fantasy nerd, I feel specifically targeted by whoever wrote that 411.
NotMyProblemAnymoreCunt
Gold Member
22:22:22
NO PAIN TRANCE CONTINUE
So scifi and fantasy with detailed worldbuilding, anime, Lord of the Rings, and Star Trek...
So hardcore video games of every type, particularly outside of the Call of Duty paradigm...
So message board enthusiasts...
Pretty spot on
About the "Building community skills" part though (which is true imho).
My autism/social anxiety.. How do it put this... It's kind of multi layered.
See, on one side you lack a lot of real life communication aspects that can be taxing. Such as eye contact, body language, the scenario/context were the communication takes place (one on one in a empty room vs in a crowded place), the tone of phrases, someone's energy. Hence the totality makes communication instantly more efficient and also much more intense and taxing.
I'll use my own experience if you will as an example.
Scenario: One on one conversation in an empty or relative calm context.
Even though I can experience said conversation in it's fullness, I'm simultaneously X% busy with keeping eye contact as natural as possible, and...
Fuck it: in the end I'm "acting" to come across as naturally as possible WHILE having to focus on my partner's communication and depending on what's being told I have to act ie work to address and response as organically as possible.
Takes a lot of energy and (in my case) overthinking/analyzing how I came across in retrospect.
Although the latter goes for most people know i think about it.
On the other side (message board/social media/emails/WhatsApp/Dating apps etc) you indeed have a barrier/buffer which therefore indeed provides a way of and or practice and learning social skills.
BUT...
Text based communication lacks all the aspects of RL communication hence (I'm speaking for myself mind you) it's very open to interpretation, projection and all in all... difficult in it's own way i suppose.
Took me quite sometime to feel comfortable to post here because, well for many reasons, but I just forced myself in the beginning and boy was it anxiety inducing haha.
I've grown a lot regarding how to approach and come to terms with posting here but it took a good couple minutes!
Now I feel more confident in general in posting and that's 80% thanks to those I have familiarity with and consider friends on some weird ass level. I've even made a IRL friend here (you know who you are)
They've made me feel accepted and I'm very grateful for that.
Sorry for the rant but yeah
And last but not least. I'm very curious how my post (sans rant lol) resonates with all the other posters ITT.
lostinblue
Banned
You sound healthy for a 24 year old.
nightmare-slain
Member
I have never called myself autistic and have never been diagnosed/tested but I did start thinking that I might be a little. With the way my life has been there is definitely something not right with me. For years I just put everything down to depression and anxiety. I definitely do feel anxious a lot but the depression thing started to feel like an excuse. I have had depression and still have times where I am totally fucked and want to kill myself but I haven't took anti depressants in years. I think last time I took any was 4 years ago but I didn't stick with them. Had been on them before for a couple years but this was about 2012-2013.
I'm not trying to pass myself off as autistic but thought it might be worth posting in here. Like I said I am anxious but I feel that in the last few years I have got worse. My mind is always in overdrive and on edge. Being in loud crowded enviroments can overwhelm me and doing something simple as going to the shops can be too much and I'll need to leave. My local store does a quiet time on Wednesdays so I like to go then when the light is dimmer and there's no music. Going on public transport can be intense so I try to use it when it's quieter. Loud noises/environments have been something that has got worse. I mean I can go to concerts (even if I still get anxious) but at home where I should feel relaxed and comfortable I can't anymore. If too many things are on that make noise (tv, radio, washing machine, microwave, airfryer) or if someone is walking about in the house opening/closing doors, rustling shit, or talking too loud then I start to get really agitated and have to go find a quiet space and usually i stick my noise cancelling earphones in. Also, I find myself getting frightened a lot more easily now. At work if someone comes up behind me and walks by or talks to me then I will sometimes jump out my skin lol.
When I was younger I was called shy but I wouldn't say I'm shy or at least not as shy as I used to be. There was a time I couldn't talk to anybody at all. I'm still quiet but I can talk to people but only if I feel comfortable around them. At work a couple new people started and I was freaking the fuck out being near them. I had to show them what to do. It's been 3 weeks since they started and I still try to avoid them. There are some people that I am more comfortable with and can talk away to them. I don't mean full on conversations but just small talk. I can't look people in the eye when I'm talking to them and if someone talks to me when I'm not expecting it then my brain doesn't seem to register it so I need to always ask them to repeat it and I mean time 3-4 times before I can understand what they are saying. I have to say "I don't know what you're saying" for them to talk louder and clearer.
I could go on and on but I think the biggest issue I have is being out in public. I really don't feel comfortable at all. Trying to go out becomes such a huge effort and I will get into arguments with myself just getting out my house. If I go out then it needs to be part of my routine so I can go to work/shops because I do that every day/week but for example going on a train to go shopping, catch a movie, or whatever then I can't just go do that. It needs to be planned out days in advance. When I do manage to go out then I am feeling restless and like everyone is watching me. I constantly fidget with my hands doing stuff like touching my face, tensing up my hand, twisting my arm. I bought one of those little fidget toys to use. Also I twitch my neck/face a lot. I keep looking around but not really looking at anything. I bite my lip, move my cheek, blink my eyes, or frown. Doing all that helps me relax and feel more comfortable.
I don't know what else to say now but just wanted to get this out I suppose lol.
I'm not trying to pass myself off as autistic but thought it might be worth posting in here. Like I said I am anxious but I feel that in the last few years I have got worse. My mind is always in overdrive and on edge. Being in loud crowded enviroments can overwhelm me and doing something simple as going to the shops can be too much and I'll need to leave. My local store does a quiet time on Wednesdays so I like to go then when the light is dimmer and there's no music. Going on public transport can be intense so I try to use it when it's quieter. Loud noises/environments have been something that has got worse. I mean I can go to concerts (even if I still get anxious) but at home where I should feel relaxed and comfortable I can't anymore. If too many things are on that make noise (tv, radio, washing machine, microwave, airfryer) or if someone is walking about in the house opening/closing doors, rustling shit, or talking too loud then I start to get really agitated and have to go find a quiet space and usually i stick my noise cancelling earphones in. Also, I find myself getting frightened a lot more easily now. At work if someone comes up behind me and walks by or talks to me then I will sometimes jump out my skin lol.
When I was younger I was called shy but I wouldn't say I'm shy or at least not as shy as I used to be. There was a time I couldn't talk to anybody at all. I'm still quiet but I can talk to people but only if I feel comfortable around them. At work a couple new people started and I was freaking the fuck out being near them. I had to show them what to do. It's been 3 weeks since they started and I still try to avoid them. There are some people that I am more comfortable with and can talk away to them. I don't mean full on conversations but just small talk. I can't look people in the eye when I'm talking to them and if someone talks to me when I'm not expecting it then my brain doesn't seem to register it so I need to always ask them to repeat it and I mean time 3-4 times before I can understand what they are saying. I have to say "I don't know what you're saying" for them to talk louder and clearer.
I could go on and on but I think the biggest issue I have is being out in public. I really don't feel comfortable at all. Trying to go out becomes such a huge effort and I will get into arguments with myself just getting out my house. If I go out then it needs to be part of my routine so I can go to work/shops because I do that every day/week but for example going on a train to go shopping, catch a movie, or whatever then I can't just go do that. It needs to be planned out days in advance. When I do manage to go out then I am feeling restless and like everyone is watching me. I constantly fidget with my hands doing stuff like touching my face, tensing up my hand, twisting my arm. I bought one of those little fidget toys to use. Also I twitch my neck/face a lot. I keep looking around but not really looking at anything. I bite my lip, move my cheek, blink my eyes, or frown. Doing all that helps me relax and feel more comfortable.
I don't know what else to say now but just wanted to get this out I suppose lol.
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There's an initiative to categorize everyone in some kind of disorder now. Everyone apparently needs pills and a therapist. A lot of money changing hands.
It's okay to be different. Sometimes it benefits from formal treatment, but sometimes you just need to accept yourself and work on living a well-balanced life.
Grildon Tundy
Gold Member
I've been to therapy and taken medication in the past. Spent money and time inflating my issues in my head because of that official "medical diagnosis" stamp.
None of that worked as well for my issues (personally) as just...moving on, trying really hard, sometimes failing, and making sure to fight my hermit instincts and socialize as much as possible.
Soodanim
Gold Member
There's always a benefit to understanding yourself better, and if you're autistic then understanding the ins and outs of that can help in the same way that learning you have an intolerance to certain foods does. An "Oh, so that's why x happens when y happens" type of thing helps you avoid the lactose and the gluten, so to speak. I imagine you can't be that autistic, I'd like to think that would have been picked up much earlier in life. So just do whatever makes you happy mate, don't put pressure on yourself if there's no gain.
TheInfamousKira
Reseterror Resettler
I definitely think there's a growing over diagnosis epidemic that's likely tied to big pharma gains, though I have nothing to back that up besides cynicism. It's a curiosity of mine that mental health treatment is still comparatively in it's infancy versus traditional medical practice. Are these growing lists of disorders and the people who fall under their umbrella a result of the science and understanding behind it becoming more efficient and laser pointed? The hopeful in me would like to believe so, but I've already stated what the devil on my shoulder thinks at the beginning of this post.
It's weird to think about, and it's an easy rabbit hole for me to fall down, personally. Medical advances and modern medicine have effectively reversed natural death for millions of people. I'm not talking creating Zombies or some Lazarus shit, either. Think about it historically. How many people thriving in 2023 would have made it to age 20 in the 1700's? Influenza, infection, parasites, etc etc. If you stop and think, everyone reading this probably recalls one instance in their life where they would be dead as dirt were it not for modern medicine.
Linking to your post here, it feels like mental health medicine is trending this direction, in a sense. People as near back as the 70's were a bit more socially sturdy than the type we have today. You caught bugs, you played in the dirt, you got your feelings hurt, you just need to toughen up, etc, etc. People were taught to manage their own deficiencies by hand. It's a lot like modern technology, even in the regard.
You anxious? Here's a pill. You need energy? Here's a pill. You have too much energy? Pill. I don't think this is some big placebo scheme, either. I'm sure these pills all function like they say on the bottle, but it illustrates the point now. I kind of look at it almost like two categories: essential mental health - schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. and cosmetic mental health. Designer mental health. "Those old fogeys in 1988 had to do breathing exercises and therapy to overcome fear of crowds, you can just take a pill! The future is now, old man!" I don't know, I don't really have a point here, just thinking out loud and this post made me want to type.
Grildon Tundy
Gold Member
You could go to a doctor and just...lie, or regurgitate the symptoms you read for a certain mental illness and get a diagnosis of your choosing. A system like that leaves itself open to abuse or misuse by both patients and those who stand to make money off it.
TheInfamousKira
Reseterror Resettler
That's a great point, too.
I basically had an appointment with my psychiatrist and said "Here's what I think my problem is, and Here's the medication that I think would help," and besides fifteen minutes of conversation with the woman, that's how my diagnosis and prescription process went. Still on basically the same med routine. I mean, I don't think it's as severe as someone up there being a yes-man to something absolutely absurd, like "I have slight anger problems and I get overstimulated, I think you should write me a script for those school bus xannies, yo'," but like
I'm also 100% sure that exact scenario happens 80 times a day, so whatever.
22:22:22
NO PAIN TRANCE CONTINUE
I've listened to several interviews with different researchers on a specific podcast regarding the orgins of what we now call "Big Pharma". And you're not cynical.
Let me leave it at that.
Kenpachii
Member
Yea it's not that simple here, like at all.
Here's my journey. ( as i don't know the names of all the support people, i just rank them on numbers. u have 4 ranks of people that talk to you with the last rank ( highest being psychiatrist )
I entered the picture, because i got depressed as fuck through a ton of things going wrong while i was shrugging it off as just push through it. I started to see less and less reason to continou with life for the simple reason, i never saw a goal in moving forwards, now everybody else died on me i felt like i was just in a pauze state and couldn't really figure out how to move forwards, i ticked different then other people but i had no clue why. So i started to crash and searched help.
I started to visit a doctor, and that doctor i had 3-4 conversations with, before i got pushed to the lowest rank 1. I had conversations with that person for about ~6 months. All the conversations and the way i think, act and deal with stuff was recorded ( a thing that goes through the whole process is they ask constantly questions about your past or stuff you stated to varify if u don't lie or its true ), even the doctor recorded already on how i behaved while complete shitting the brick. we would talk about solutions, options and other stuff to get through it.
The more and more it showcased it wasn't going anywhere no matter what i tried and a ton of conversations once a week sometimes multiple times a week, i was at the end of my rope. They sended me to a crisis team, and put me under a loop for 10 days, with a rank 3 and 4 psychiatrist, not only that they looked at me how i interacted with people, how i talked to other people, for most of the days. The lower tier 1 people would also record you in seeing how you interact with other people in that enviroment from morning to evening in extreem detail and they tell you nothing about this.
After that i got send to a team which existed out of rank 1,2,3,4 that is allocated towards my living area, a whole new group of people and they will start the process again, i will have every 6 weeks a conversation with psychiatrist, sometimes 1-2 weeks when things get critical, rank 1 would visit me every 2 weeks once and keep in contact through whatsapp, and rank 2, would visit me 2-3 times a week. After they gathered enough information, throughout months of talking with multiple people, rank 3 arrives to the picture that's going to diagnose you. he will have 6-8 long talks with you of multiple hours about your past, about what u do etc etc. He will cross reference this with the other recorded material, and then dig into your past and contact friends/family/schools and ask them a arrays of questions. This process takes months on it's own.
They will see through your shit, without problems. After everything checks out, the 2,3 and 4 comes together and diagnose you with what u got. And then they drop a massive document on you with everything from all experts what they recorded, that document was in my case 60 pages long and took well over a year of talking and i was absolutely shocked how detailed that shit was.
The only pills they subscribed me where, really low tier sleeping pills as my sleeping schedule was fucked entirely and anti depressive for a while, but i am off of that stuff before the shit ended. The tier 2 people are still visiting me 1 time a week and every 6 weeks i still got a simple talk with a psychiatrist about how i feel and how stuff goes and if things need to change. rank 3 person is now planning me in once a week to get additional training to deal with autism etc.
So yea its a long traject and as i am insured i pay absolute dick shit for me, besides a ton of time i gotta spend on it.
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GymWolf
Member
I'm very ignorant about autism but what they show in shows and movies are people barely functioning but here on gaf a lot of people sound perfectly normal to me and they have a job, a career, family etc.
An hug to all the people with these problems, it must be a bitch to deal with this shit.
An hug to all the people with these problems, it must be a bitch to deal with this shit.
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I'd say this is more of an American centric view, over here in the UK I get medication for free (yeah taxes, blah blah).
nightmare-slain
Member
That's movies and TV shows for you. They gotta be dramatic about it. Not all blind people walk about with dark sunglasses or have eyes that look "wrong". Some blind people can "pass" as being "normal". You can be legally blind but still have enough vision to watch TV. For a lot of people they only have light perception so they can see light bulbs, glitter/sparkling objects, sunlight through a window, or make out a faint shadow of a person if they are infront of bright light. And of course you can be 100% blind where you can't see shit.
I think it's the same for autism that it's a spectrum. I've only had a couple experiences with autism. One of my friends when I was in school had severe aspergers and had to end up going to a school specially for autism. Someone else I know can function. He is very quiet and at first you'd just think he is shy but you start to realise that he is stuck in the same routine and has to have everything organised perfectly. If anything interferes with the routine or if his stuff is moved about then all hell can break loose.... but yeah he can still live a normal live going to work and that.
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TheInfamousKira
Reseterror Resettler
Echo this sentiment. Growing up, we had a couple of pretty severely autistic children in our school district. Like hardcore stuff. Trouble communicating, making eye contact, fine motor movement, etc. But there were also people who passed for completely neurotypical, other than being gigantic assholes. It definitely comes in different flavors and potencies.
PapaEmeritus
Member
Removed what I wrote, I might make a separate related thread
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