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[pbsapeer]

Had a retail job that I had to leave after awhile because of my anxiety.

Now that I'm out of school and can't find work, I fear I'll have to go back. I'm going to be miserable.

Really hope things improve for you and your wife. It's great that she has someone who is understanding and can help her get through this.

Sorry to hear about you. That doesn't sound fun. But you'll find something else. Gotta keep positive with these things. Sometimes it just has to get worse to get better but in the long run it'll pay off. Makes us stronger people.

I hope things improve for us. I'm not sure they will. I'm pretty understanding of these things but i falter during feel a bit depressed about it all think I might have to get another job at the weekends to help cover costs haha

 

[rtcn63]

Had a retail job that I had to leave after awhile because of my anxiety.

Now that I'm out of school and can't find work, I fear I'll have to go back. I'm going to be miserable.

Really hope things improve for you and your wife. It's great that she has someone who is understanding and can help her get through this.

I got let go from a retail job recently because I wasn't being social. Even though I told my (much younger) co-workers what my interests were, and that they were free to engage me when I wasn't busy.

When even minimum wage doesn't want you...

 

[Pamplemousse]

Being alone sucks.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Being just sucks.

 

[MissDeviling]

Anyone know how to stop feeling lethargic and low-energy? It's really making me unproductive at home, though I function fine at work. I can also be very anxious about starting schoolwork, to the point where I distract myself from even cracking open a book. I'm not social at all and have almost no friends. Not sure if any of these are related.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I feel like dying.
It's not worth it. This life. This utter frustration.

I already went through overdosing. This time it has to be real.

 

[rtcn63]

Anyone know how to stop feeling lethargic and low-energy? It's really making me unproductive at home, though I function fine at work. I can also be very anxious about starting schoolwork, to the point where I distract myself from even cracking open a book. I'm not social at all and have almost no friends. Not sure if any of these are related.

Put yourself on a definitive deadline. Some people focus better when they have no other choice to- like having to study for an exam that's scheduled four days later... or else they fail and have to retake the class (significant monetary and time loss). As for school, find ways to interact with the assignment. Instead of just reading the chapter, take preliminary notes. Same while going through the homework. Rewrite those notes and homework examples again and again, taking care to add, remove, and condense items so that that they're both readable and applicable for the related tests. Sometimes the process might take you a few hours, others entire days or more. Just do what you can. When you're tired, transfer them to a portable device and reread them in the mornings and evenings when you're in bed.

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

@Fish: But then who would correct bitches on not doing their science?

Existence is existence. There is no inherent good or bad in it. However, how you feel about it is still different from the fact that it just is. Or if you allow multiverse theory, where there is one picked to exist over infinite other possibilities. So existence is mildly biased towards existence being a good thing, even if it doesn't always feel that way.
Maybe that validation doesn't work for anyone else, but it does for me.

 

[Pamplemousse]

I feel like dying.
It's not worth it. This life. This utter frustration.

I already went through overdosing. This time it has to be real.

Hang in there. I feel the same as you, so I can't really offer any advice. I hope you feel better, though. Sometimes just talking to someone is helpful.

 

[rtcn63]

I feel like dying.
It's not worth it. This life. This utter frustration.

I already went through overdosing. This time it has to be real.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX5J3n4N8a0

 

[pigeon interrupted]

Anyone know how to stop feeling lethargic and low-energy? It's really making me unproductive at home, though I function fine at work. I can also be very anxious about starting schoolwork, to the point where I distract myself from even cracking open a book. I'm not social at all and have almost no friends. Not sure if any of these are related.

I found sunlight and moderate exercise work wonders for me - a 45 minute walk in the sun can really lift my mood. Although, this time of year the sun can be elusive. If a lack of friends is something you think about often then it may be a contributor. Don't worry, friends are overrated. Enemies are where it's at and they're easier to make.

Spoiler

j/k friends are better but not my area of expertise ;_;

I feel like dying.
It's not worth it. This life. This utter frustration.

I already went through overdosing. This time it has to be real.

I feel that way sometimes. Okay, often. Don't remove yourself from life, try to identify the sources of frustration and remove them. Try to plan something in advance to make you happy - a goal, even a superficial one. I have my dreams of owning a VW Campervan and dachsunds. I need a job first, obv. Don't give up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX5J3n4N8a0

Grit got in my eye for a sec.

 

[neojubei]

Being alone sucks.

My life story.

 

[Baroquemantic]

.

 

[SugarDave]

I've been really down this last week in particular and I think my low mood is returning in grand fashion. I mentioned it in this thread before when I was getting anxious about the situation but I started working again at the end of November. To my surprise, the company seems excellent to work for and the people who joined alongside me were a delight to be around, even if I've remained very reserved. We genuinely feel like a family unit or something.

Unfortunately, it is still ultimately a call centre and only two weeks after officially completing training and starting our roles, that position is already getting to me much like it did in my last job. I'm not confident in what I'm doing most of the time but that's to be expected right now and everyone there is accommodating enough to let us know that they don't expect us to be experts this early, but that's not even what really gets to me. I hate saying it because it sounds whiny and it's not like I'm the only one feeling this way, but the monotony and detached nature of the job really bothers me. I'm already a man of few words and prefer to be chatting about something when I do speak, I enjoy a meaningful conversation more than anything and yet I still need a break from interaction afterwards. With this kind of job, I feel as though my "social egg timer" is being drained by contact that I don't care about and offers no fulfilment.

Aside from that, while I do love the people in my group, it's still very evident that I'm the one who's out of place. I speak the least and maybe a handful of them "get" what I'm about, but I feel very isolated and as much as I'm internally bursting to be more sociable, I just have some sort of block that keeps me blended into the background. If I do come out with something, I feel like I'm either overlooked or I just make a fool of myself. I don't deal well with off the cuff banter so I can sound very cold at times. I feel very lonely despite the presence of these wonderful people.

I don't know, I think I've decided I'm going to leave anyway. I'll be sad but I know I don't have what it takes to perform this job long-term. Sometimes I wonder whether I have depression or if this is just who I am and I need to accept it. It's been a pattern in most places I go to.

Anyway, that ramble didn't really achieve anything but there you go.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I'm kind of the same way with small talk. My problem is that I'm a natural wallflower, which I hate, so I try to be the cool funny guy and I'm pretty sure it just makes me look like an obnoxious douche.

Basically I'm either stand-offish shy guy or loud asshole. I can't seem to find a good middle ground. Doesn't help that the stuff I'm into nobody gives a shit about. I notice I can get annoying when talking about things I'm interested in, but it's really only because I don't get to talk about it with people often.

 

[Lemaitre]

I've been seeing a psychologist to discuss my issues with while also undergoing treatments with EMDR. I have to say that therapy has helped immensely so far, and I thoroughly enjoy my current psychologist. I still have a few more weeks until I will be able to meet with the psychiatrist however.

My anxiety had gotten worse even though my sessions with my psychologist were fruitful so I decided to visit my primary and I'm glad I did. He prescribed me Propranolol and even though I just started it yesterday it's a night and day difference for me. I don't freak out internally as I always have before. I don't overthink situations nor are my thoughts as heavily intrusive as before. I've just begun this medication but it has made feel extremely hopeful that things can change for the better.

I may or may not have bi-polar disorder (my sibling has been diagnosed) which is the big one I need to figure out with my psychologist/psychiatrist. In the meantime however this anxiety medication will make my waiting for further proper diagnosis much more tolerable.

As a side note when I took my blood pressure at my primary it was absurdly high, I believe around 174/102. When I would get anxious my heart rate would increase which would also make sweat like I was in an intense workout. When I took my blood pressure at home without the anxiety of having been in a doctors office (among many other things that give me anxiety) my blood pressure was 111/64. So it would seem my anxiety would raise my heart rate to startling levels.

 

[redlegs87]

It's actually rather poetic or I guess ironic/sad that I spent so many years not wanting to owe anyone any money and being stubborn, yet here I am legitimately broke and all of my hopes fall upon signing on enough student loans to keep me afloat through the college that I applied for right before Christmas. There is no reason any of this should have worked in my favor, but it somehow is. God help me.

I use to be afraid to ask for help for most of my life but I got over that mostly. I still had issues when it came to money to ask for handouts or help. I had a family emergency recently that has had me get a loan out and now will be in debt for the short term. Just when things seem to be the lowest they can get someone will be there to throw you a ladder to get up.

Anyone know how to stop feeling lethargic and low-energy? It's really making me unproductive at home, though I function fine at work. I can also be very anxious about starting schoolwork, to the point where I distract myself from even cracking open a book. I'm not social at all and have almost no friends. Not sure if any of these are related.

This is something I still struggle with myself. I had a 3 month stretch last year where I was just so motivated and yet I lost that drive and am back to the lower energy state again almost constantly.

I'm kind of the same way with small talk. My problem is that I'm a natural wallflower, which I hate, so I try to be the cool funny guy and I'm pretty sure it just makes me look like an obnoxious douche.

Basically I'm either stand-offish shy guy or loud asshole. I can't seem to find a good middle ground. Doesn't help that the stuff I'm into nobody gives a shit about. I notice I can get annoying when talking about things I'm interested in, but it's really only because I don't get to talk about it with people often.

I totally get this especially about the stuff that interests you but not many others in your life. You just have to be aware of it and try and ask about their interests or something so you don't get like stuck going on and on about it. Being a wallflower doesn't mean you have to try and be the cool guy sometimes it can help but personally I think if you just go with the flow you'll be golden.

 

[Anung]

I totally fucked up. I did my induction for psychodynamic therapy last week and I'm supposed to be in again Monday but the lady asked me to phone before hand to confirm I'm going ahead with it and I've not been sleeping well recently so now it's Sunday and just remembered and can't find the opening times for this place so it might not even be open tomorrow if I do call so I might have totally fucked myself over and I can't wait another 6 months to get seen again.

Fuck fuck. If I've fucked this up I'm going to kill myself.

 

[redlegs87]

I totally fucked up. I did my induction for psychodynamic therapy last week and I'm supposed to be in again Monday but the lady asked me to phone before hand to confirm I'm going ahead with it and I've not been sleeping well recently so now it's Sunday and just remembered and can't find the opening times for this place so it might not even be open tomorrow if I do call so I might have totally fucked myself over and I can't wait another 6 months to get seen again.

Fuck fuck. If I've fucked this up I'm going to kill myself.

I know it's hard to do but until you know for sure you have no other avenues try to just stay calm. I am sure they will be understanding.

 

[How About No]

I totally fucked up. I did my induction for psychodynamic therapy last week and I'm supposed to be in again Monday but the lady asked me to phone before hand to confirm I'm going ahead with it and I've not been sleeping well recently so now it's Sunday and just remembered and can't find the opening times for this place so it might not even be open tomorrow if I do call so I might have totally fucked myself over and I can't wait another 6 months to get seen again.

Fuck fuck. If I've fucked this up I'm going to kill myself.

Just call them Monday morning ASAP, I'm sure they're open

 

[Anung]

I'm trying to not catastrophize things but waiting to do this is the only thing that's been keeping me together. Now I can't sleep because I'm stressing the fuck out. Been blasting through the Internet trying to find some kind of information but can't find a thing.

 

[Pamplemousse]

To the one or two GAFers who may take notice,

After much deliberation, I've decided I'm ending it tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. My life was so sad, pathetic, and meaningless. I couldn't go on anymore.

I would have had to go through life all alone. I hated myself and couldn't meet people. No guy would have ever wanted to be with me. I was alone with only one way out. None of my woes were fixable, and they were all permanent. I could only ignore reality and distract myself for so long. The pain, purposelessness, and misery were always there waiting for me.

I didn't want to suffer alone anymore. The loneliness was unbearable. Death was my only way out. I cry writing this and wonder why life had to be so difficult. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted peace.

Yours always,
Pamplemousse

 

[Puck Beaverton]

You should really call that suicide prevention number before you do it.

That sounds a little cold and detached, and I don't really mean it to, but I understand that having someone tell you over and over not to do it gets annoying and old, as someone who has been there. That said, I don't want you to kill yourself, obviously, and really implore you to talk to someone (or people on GAF) before you do something really big like that.

 

[deli2000]

To the one or two GAFers who may take notice,

After much deliberation, I've decided I'm ending it tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. My life was so sad, pathetic, and meaningless. I couldn't go on anymore.

I would have had to go through life all alone. I hated myself and couldn't meet people. No guy would have ever wanted to be with me. I was alone with only one way out. None of my woes were fixable, and they were all permanent. I could only ignore reality and distract myself for so long. The pain, purposelessness, and misery were always there waiting for me.

I didn't want to suffer alone anymore. The loneliness was unbearable. Death was my only way out. I cry writing this and wonder why life had to be so difficult. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted peace.

Yours always,
Pamplemousse

Please don't do this. I can never be in your position, I can never fully empathize, but please don't. I've been to some horrific lows in my life. There are people who care about you, there always are.

If you do just one more thing, please call this number.
1-800-273-8255

You are not alone.

 

[Lemaitre]

To the one or two GAFers who may take notice,

After much deliberation, I've decided I'm ending it tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. My life was so sad, pathetic, and meaningless. I couldn't go on anymore.

I would have had to go through life all alone. I hated myself and couldn't meet people. No guy would have ever wanted to be with me. I was alone with only one way out. None of my woes were fixable, and they were all permanent. I could only ignore reality and distract myself for so long. The pain, purposelessness, and misery were always there waiting for me.

I didn't want to suffer alone anymore. The loneliness was unbearable. Death was my only way out. I cry writing this and wonder why life had to be so difficult. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted peace.

Yours always,
Pamplemousse

Please call the suicide hotline:

Call 1-800-273-8255

Edit: As low are you are now, life never stays there forever. You will make progress, and start your progress by calling that number.

 

[JDHarbs]

To the one or two GAFers who may take notice,

After much deliberation, I've decided I'm ending it tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. My life was so sad, pathetic, and meaningless. I couldn't go on anymore.

I would have had to go through life all alone. I hated myself and couldn't meet people. No guy would have ever wanted to be with me. I was alone with only one way out. None of my woes were fixable, and they were all permanent. I could only ignore reality and distract myself for so long. The pain, purposelessness, and misery were always there waiting for me.

I didn't want to suffer alone anymore. The loneliness was unbearable. Death was my only way out. I cry writing this and wonder why life had to be so difficult. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted peace.

Yours always,
Pamplemousse

Please call the number posted above.

 

[redlegs87]

To the one or two GAFers who may take notice,

After much deliberation, I've decided I'm ending it tonight. I couldn't take it anymore. My life was so sad, pathetic, and meaningless. I couldn't go on anymore.

I would have had to go through life all alone. I hated myself and couldn't meet people. No guy would have ever wanted to be with me. I was alone with only one way out. None of my woes were fixable, and they were all permanent. I could only ignore reality and distract myself for so long. The pain, purposelessness, and misery were always there waiting for me.

I didn't want to suffer alone anymore. The loneliness was unbearable. Death was my only way out. I cry writing this and wonder why life had to be so difficult. Why did it have to be this way? I just wanted peace.

Yours always,
Pamplemousse

You're applying a very permanent solution to things that are all fixable. Please try and think and not let the current state of mind you're in get the best of you. Call the hotlines that have been posted. Do anything but what you posted you'd do in this thread.

 

[The Lamonster]

Hey guys, how do I find a therapist? I've never been to one but have some fucked up shit going on in my love life and in general right now. How do I find a good one in my area? Do some of them specialize in helping with romantic relationships?

 

[Beefy]

Hey guys, how do I find a therapist? I've never been to one but have some fucked up shit going on in my love life and in general right now. How do I find a good one in my area? Do some of them specialize in helping with romantic relationships?

Depends where you live

 

[Vazduh]

R.I.P. Pamplemousse :'(

 

[How About No]

R.I.P. Pamplemousse :'(

umm is this true? please we need information if this is true

im actually shaking right now

 

[Vazduh]

umm is this true? please we need information if this is true

im actually shaking right now

Sadly, it's true. Confirmed in the LGBThread.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

R.I.P. Pamplemousse :'(

oh fuck. My condolences to his family and friends.
How heartbreaking.

 

[How About No]

Sadly, it's true. Confirmed in the LGBThread.

...Rest in Peace, Pamplemousse

I mean I saw his post on this very page and the supportive responses, like many did. I guess I thought the best in cases like this, that everything was going to be alright, even if just for a little while longer. I said nothing...now I have this hanging feeling of guilt and maybe I could have helped

At the same time, it was his own battle, his own choices, and I can't pretend to know what he was really feeling, but I believe things can get better, and that goes for everybody on planet earth, and everybody in this thread, no matter how shitty everything seems or how the world tries to crush you. But now for Pample, we will never know. This isn't the way anybody's story should end.

Umm I'm sorry I'm trying to find the words I've never had to write this sort of thing before

 

[Kevyt]

umm is this true? please we need information if this is true

im actually shaking right now

It looks like it. I tried calling him over and over and I get sent straight to voicemail I:

 

[Dead Prince]

his sister contacted me. i guess she found my emails from him awhile back so she ended up emailing me.

I believe you may have been acquainted with my brother [redacted] who unfortunately just recently passed away. Our family is in incredible shock and he was very quiet and kept to himself. We had no idea he was upset about anything and I was just curious if you could tell me how you know him and if he ever said anything about anything that was really bothering him? I know in an email he talked about getting banned from a thread? Was that because of something he did ?

I know this is really weird but we're trying to get answers. Anything you know would be super helpful...

His sister, [redacted]

i took out their name for personal reasons. told her about neogaf and just basically linked her to his final post which i just saw today because of this email.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

RIP Pamplemousse. This is horrible :'( My condolences to his family and everybody here who knew him well. Speechless, really. I lurk LGBT and thought he was coping, seeing guys and still had a sense of humor and whatnot. Wish I'd have reached out to him or said more. Rest in peace, babe.

 

[Kevyt]

Oh

 

[Puck Beaverton]

RIP

 

[Manu]

Man, I was just searching for this thread earlier, I did not expect this. That's truly terrible. RIP.

 

[Jeels]

I've been told by friends in other communities with experience with this kind of thing that this stuff happens in bunches as others see what's happeend. I'm not a part of this sub community or the LGBTA sub community but please be diligent of your fellow GAF'ers guys.

 

[Hermii]

RIP

 

[Hale-XF11]

RIP, I truly hope you have found peace after so much suffering.

On a related note, I called that suicide hotline about a week ago when I was really feeling bottomed out and they told me to try praying and go the nearest emergency room if I'm not feeling well. Ell-oh-fucking-ell.

 

[How About No]

I've been told by friends in other communities with experience with this kind of thing that this stuff happens in bunches as others see what's happeend. I'm not a part of this sub community or the LGBTA sub community but please be diligent of your fellow GAF'ers guys.

Anybody who's suffering, please don't remain silent, please let your loved ones and friends know what you're going through. You don't need to do this alone. I know it's scary to think that they may never think of you the same way again, but I believe 9.99/10 times they'll be absolutely understanding and supportive.

 

[Dipper145]

Sorry to hear that we lost a member of the community.

I myself have been dangerously close to the edge the past couple days. Thinking about taking a bunch of anti-nauseants and tylenol and hitting the hay. I find myself constantly wishing that doctor assisted suicide for the chronically depression / other mental health things was a possibility where I live. The suffering is too great for me to want to continue. Suicide methods are too unpredictable and messy that one can just end up making life more miserable for themselves. I've checked myself into the hospital before voluntarily so I don't expect to have any actual dangerous situations comes up, but nights are tough.

I've also told my closest friends how I've been feeling lately and as always have gotten a lot of support from them.

Sometimes wonder if I should somehow dedicate myself to advocating for assisted suicide for chronic mental health conditions. Read a lot of interesting articles about it recently, and now that assisted suicide for terminally ill patients is a thing where I live, the possibility seems closer. I've talked to my psychiatrist about the concept before, and she obviously is hesitant discussing the issue, but it's definitely an interesting topic of discussion.

 

[Krammy]

We never really spoke, but I was familiar with your journey by your posts in this thread and beyond. And while I don't particularly believe in life after death, in wherever capacity this reaches you, I really hope you're doing better Pamplemousse. Rest in peace.

 

[jb1234]

RIP.

 

[brianjones]

RIP

going through his post history was really sad

1 day a person is here talking about video games or star wars or something and the next they're gone

 

[Plum]

Rest in Peace, Pamplemousse.

 

[Palmer27]

i've just received some unfortunate news if from the email that was sent to me is true... Pample's sister just told me he passed away...

So sorry and shocked to hear the news.

Although most people here seem older or more experienced than me, I do want to write something about finding the cracks in depression.

I was considering posting that I'd hooked up for the first time and made a decent friend in the process last Sunday. It dawned on me reading that I'd somehow found myself in a position that I considered 'good enough' after being a closeted and suicidal at 17.

Life's not a case of being broken until you can fix yourself. Case and point from my limited lurking in this thread I would have perceived Pample as someone adjusted to his sexuality whilst being awesome enough to share his sense of humour with gaf. There's no reason not to value your own life other than the lies mental illness can tell you.

Sorry to hear that we lost a member of the community.

I myself have been dangerously close to the edge the past couple days. Thinking about taking a bunch of anti-nauseants and tylenol and hitting the hay. I find myself constantly wishing that doctor assisted suicide for the chronically depression / other mental health things was a possibility where I live. The suffering is too great for me to want to continue. Suicide methods are too unpredictable and messy that one can just end up making life more miserable for themselves. I've checked myself into the hospital before voluntarily so I don't expect to have any actual dangerous situations comes up, but nights are tough.

I've also told my closest friends how I've been feeling lately and as always have gotten a lot of support from them.

Sometimes wonder if I should somehow dedicate myself to advocating for assisted suicide for chronic mental health conditions. Read a lot of interesting articles about it recently, and now that assisted suicide for terminally ill patients is a thing where I live, the possibility seems closer. I've talked to my psychiatrist about the concept before, and she obviously is hesitant discussing the issue, but it's definitely an interesting topic of discussion.

I'd suggest that anyone's who suffering is not their illness. Assisted suicide is for the terminally ill, mental illness is not a terminal illness. It was so unpredictable for me too. But you mention your friends and the fact that you've voluntarily checked yourself into hospital. Clearly you as a person are managing to keep a very level head in managing depression and whatever else you haven't mentioned.

Would be glad to private message, chat or anything if you want to chat to someone outside the support network you've already put in place.

I'm 19 and obv there might be someone here who can offer you better advice.