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[Menthuss]

Are you specifically referring to romantic relationships or including friendships as well?

Both.

The best advice I guess is to try and go out of your comfort zone and try dating or meeting new people. You'll probably have some crappy experiences, everyone does, but you can't make improvements in your life without going out of your comfort zone.

My main issue with this is that I can't just "try" dating and/or meeting new people because of my self-esteem and trust issues. Quite frankly, the thought of letting my guard down around people terrifies me. Though to combat this, I decided to start seeing a therapist because this isn't something I'll be able to fix by myself. Only had one session so far but I think I'll be able to make some actual progress towards addressing my issues with her.
I know you're ultimately right about leaving my comfort zone though.

 

[vegohead]

Both.



My main issue with this is that I can't just "try" dating and/or meeting new people because of my self-esteem and trust issues. Quite frankly, the thought of letting my guard down around people terrifies me. Though to combat this, I decided to start seeing a therapist because this isn't something I'll be able to fix by myself. Only had one session so far but I think I'll be able to make some actual progress towards addressing my issues with her.
I know you're ultimately right about leaving my comfort zone though.

I've been there man, fucking sucks. Took years of therapy before I could open up to people. I'd be up for giving you advice, with what ultimately worked. Just send me a PM and I'll tell you the details.

Good luck in your fight against anxiety, it truly is horrible to live with.

 

[Calabi]

First time posting in this thread, hello to everyone!

For most of my life I've been struggling with loneliness. I was that kid in school that was always distant and weird and this continued all the way up to college. I've recently turned 26 and looking back on my life, I realized that I basically stopped developing socially right after high school. I always heard stories that once college/university comes around, life really starts: You go out with friends, you develop serious relationships, etc.

I however, didn't. I didn't build any new relationships during my time at college, all I did was just stumble my way through and somehow obtained a bachelor's degree.

Now recently I've started doing a lot of self-reflecting and looking at my own actions to get a sense why I still don't have a relationships and I've come to the conclusion that I might suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder (I seem to fit most symptoms to a T). To keep it short, I long for relationships but I simultaneously feel I don't deserve them or that people couldn't possibly like me. I also feel great shame for my lack of experience with relationships at my age. Thus I avoid them as much as I can. But sometimes the loneliness really gets to me, especially when I see groups of friends or couples, laughing and having a good time.

I really needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Woah! that Avoidant Personality Disorder describes me to a tea. I didn't know there was a thing for it. Thanks. Not sure if there's anything I can do it about or care to, but its nice to know there is a description for it and I'm not the only one.

I went to therapy it made it worse for me.

 

[Menthuss]

I've been there man, fucking sucks. Took years of therapy before I could open up to people. I'd be up for giving you advice, with what ultimately worked. Just send me a PM and I'll tell you the details.

Good luck in your fight against anxiety, it truly is horrible to live with.

Thanks man. Anxiety truly is the worst.

Woah! that Avoidant Personality Disorder describes me to a tea. I didn't know there was a thing for it. Thanks. Not sure if there's anything I can do it about or care to, but its nice to know there is a description for it and I'm not the only one.

I went to therapy it made it worse for me.

Do you mind expanding on this? You can PM me if you'd rather not post it publicly.

 

[Calabi]

Thanks man. Anxiety truly is the worst.



Do you mind expanding on this? You can PM me if you'd rather not post it publicly.

Well I'd never talked to someone about those things before, after each session I felt kind of euphoric and thought it worked, but when the sessions stopped I was still alone with no real solution. A little while after that I went to the hospital with a panic attack. It might have been the counsellor was rubbish or whatever I dont know. But I dont really believe talking therapies work.

 

[Zelias]

My anxiety about work is still getting worse, and I think that, for my own health and sanity, I now desperately need to get sick leave or I will break down at work. That'll probably result in me losing my job since I'm on probation, but that's probably going to happen anyway and I'd rather leave with some dignity and a proper diagnosis of my issues. I'm back in work tomorrow and I am terrified of going in. I'm not sure I'm going to have the strength to go in. I can barely sleep because my mind is just stuck at work and can't calm down.

But it's not all been bad - I spoke with friends and my parents over the weekend. My friends are supportive of me, one in particular understands my situation quite well and believes I not only have anxiety, but also PTSD (I had a traumatic experience as a teenager I've never really had to help to deal with). I've come to accept that, yep, I'm ill, and I need help, and that means I maybe can't do some things until such time as I am better. And that's okay. My friends will support me, my parents don't really fully understand what's going on but they trust I'm doing what is best.

I'm still scared. I'm still struggling to sleep. I'm still shaking and in pain when all my nerves are firing. Even the next few days feels like a mountain I might not be able to climb. But I do feel a certain peace for having accepted that I have issues, and it's not my fault, and that it's not weakness on my part to have them. I'm not necessarily looking forward to what comes next, but I do feel like I may finally be in a position to try fixing my mental health issues, rather than ignoring them.

 

[Menthuss]

Well I'd never talked to someone about those things before, after each session I felt kind of euphoric and thought it worked, but when the sessions stopped I was still alone with no real solution. A little while after that I went to the hospital with a panic attack. It might have been the counsellor was rubbish or whatever I dont know.

Did your counselor "discharge" you (dunno if this is the right term for it) or did you quit yourself?

But I dont really believe talking therapies work.

I can't really provide much insight on this as I've only had one session so far but I get the idea that the talking therapy is only a tool that you can use to help overcome your issues. Ultimately, we are going to have to do the heavy lifting ourselves and the therapy is just there as a boost. Though again, I don't really have much experience with this yet and I wouldn't dare presume to fully understand your struggles so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

 

[Fall Into The GAF]

Too Little, Too Late.

That seems to be a mantra I unconsciously lock step to that I give up or half ass things because I am so fucking obsessed with righting past wrongs with myself. I don't see the value of salvaging anything in the present because I feel like it won't live up to what something I'd build up previously. Honestly, it'd probably be beneficial if I could just erase the past from my mind and start fresh and not have that knowledge in the first place. Ignorance is bliss, right?

This is just brought on by health concerns I have and that due to the intentional mediocrity of our healthcare system, I feel like a lot of things would be better if every white coated fuckhead wasn't so goddamn blasé about my health. Really enforces the idea that Republicans are members of a nihilistic death cult intent on slowly killing everyone off.

 

[Dr_Boris_Goltz]

I'm on Zoloft now. I've been on so many medications I've lost count. I can't even remember the ones I've been on it's been so many.

Not a single one of them has improved my well being without detrimental side effects. This Zoloft put me in an exhausted state where I can't sleep with a constant headache.

Do I keep taking it hoping these go away? It's been a little over a week. My mood hasn't improved at all.

 

[Calabi]

Did your counselor "discharge" you (dunno if this is the right term for it) or did you quit yourself?



I can't really provide much insight on this as I've only had one session so far but I get the idea that the talking therapy is only a tool that you can use to help overcome your issues. Ultimately, we are going to have to do the heavy lifting ourselves and the therapy is just there as a boost. Though again, I don't really have much experience with this yet and I wouldn't dare presume to fully understand your struggles so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass.

No we dont pay for it, we only get a certain number of sessions. I dont know as I said it was probably the counsellor but in general I havent seen any evidence to suggest that it works. Like you say its up to you, and when you dont know what to do, and its really difficult to do things and your on your own, its like what do you do?

 

[Lemaitre]

I'm on Zoloft now. I've been on so many medications I've lost count. I can't even remember the ones I've been on it's been so many.

Not a single one of them has improved my well being without detrimental side effects. This Zoloft put me in an exhausted state where I can't sleep with a constant headache.

Do I keep taking it hoping these go away? It's been a little over a week. My mood hasn't improved at all.

Since Zoloft is an SSRI it can take up to two months for you to obtain the full benefit of the medication. Some people feel the effects in as little as a month but it varies. Keep at it and if after two months nothings changed then talk about your options then. Keep at it and don't forget a dose!

I'm on Paxil and I noticed a difference in about a month, but again it varies from person to person.

 

[Lemaitre]

No we dont pay for it, we only get a certain number of sessions. I dont know as I said it was probably the counsellor but in general I havent seen any evidence to suggest that it works. Like you say its up to you, and when you dont know what to do, and its really difficult to do things and your on your own, its like what do you do?

You need to keep at it and keep trying to find a counselor/therapist that works for you. For some people it can take several attempts to find someone they're comfortable with and mesh with, so take that into consideration as well.

For me the benefit of therapy/discussion is that it gives you a chance to verbalize issues that often are just in your mind and only kept to yourself. Maybe next time make a list of topics you'd like to cover, and perhaps write about your experience after each session. The benefit of therapy comes from you as has already been pointed out. You get out of it as much as you're willing to put into your sessions.

 

[Vorheez]

Hey guys,

Does anyone here have experience with clomipramine and are willing to share? Thanks

 

[Sagroth]

I'm having one of those times where I know I'm angry for a decent reason, but mostly it's just more comfortable to be angry for a bit as opposed to going back to extremely depressed.

 

[Bladenic]

I'm trying to think about whether I'm crazy and that's why I'm such a loser or I'm crazy due to the fact that I'm treated like such a loser.

I couldn't get a job until recently. Graduated with Marketing and the only jobs that were calling were commission only door to door sales (yes those still fucking exist in 2017 for adults not just Girl Scouts apparently). I got a job at the local news station. While I'm learning quite a bit, I'm getting paid absolute trash. I have some health issues that I've put off addressing and since it took me so long to get a damn job, I finally signed up for Medicaid. Well, it only activated April 1st, and now that I have a job it's surely gonna go away. The health insurance at work has a fucking 3,500 hundred dollar deductible. I don't even comprehend how that qualifies as fucking health insurance, unless I go crazy with doctor visits or something truly grave happens, I'll be paying everything out of pocket. And again, I'm earning scraps for money (as a post college graduate). So now I'm scrambling to see the doctor to get my issues examined before I have to start paying everything but the fucking office won't answer the goddamn phone. Frankly I don't even wanna waste my small income on the health insurance but no doctor will even think of seeing you unless you have insurance. It's all bullshit, fuck these goddamn insurance companies and America's healthcare system.

But more on the loser part, the past few years I've been losing friends left and fucking right. Even super close friends have forgotten or abandoned me. I truly feel that, yeah I have some quirks and annoying traits, but I'm a good friend when I'm needed, i.e. listening to my friends and offering advice, helping them however I can, being dependable etc. Yet nobody cares enough about me to return those things and even stick around me. I also haven't made a new friend in years, again, because I seem to wear people repelant.

And it's not just that. I got dumped by my ex December of 2015. He found a new partner a month later and they're still together. As for me, every single date I've been on? Failure. No matter who the person was, nobody wanted to see me again after one date (if I could even get anyone to agree to that in the first place). Not even a case of I have people interested in me that I'm not back, nope, nobody no matter what wanted to see me again.

This even seeps into work. Every single phone interview I did for a job would either never contact me again or literally within hours email saying fuck off, so I must've been really easy to decide against.

I even thought about joining the Air Force. Met with a recruiter, took the test online, and tried to contact him to get my scores and see what the next steps were. NEVER FUCKING CONTACTED ME BACK. Never. I called his office and even texted and called his personal phone (which he suggested) and no fucking response. The Air Force, aka anyone is welcome (as long as you're 18). Supposedly teaches people how to be super respectful or some shit. NO FUCKING CONTACT BACK.

I dunno what it is about me that screams "hey, feel free to ignore me when I try to reach out, be friendly, or literally anything and anytime." But I'm fucking sick of it. I'm on the precipice of a mental shutdown, one (probably undeserving) person is gonna ignore me one time and I'm gonna explode and go insane.

I need therapy, I know. But like I said, my health insurance once it activates is gonna be fucking trash and I can't afford to go and pay hundreds for therapy out of pocket.

I'm still living at home in my shit hometown in my shit state. I can't see an out, but more importantly, I don't think there's an out for me. No matter what I do or try, nothing works out for me. I need to resign myself that my life will be trash, I'll always be poor, alone, and stuck in a meanginless life with nothing exemplary ever happening.

Sorry for this rant, feel 100% free to ignore it, everyone else would.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I'm really disappointed with myself. I'm at a age where I need to be ready for the world, but I feel that I'm not grown up to the point where I should be able to take care of myself. I blame myself for not taking things seriously. I'm almost done with college, and I haven't even started looking for jobs. I always get advice or some to tell me that I need to start looking for jobs instead of wasting time playing video games or not be productive. I'm a CS major and I haven't practiced coding or found something that's remotely interesting to me. I'm so naive, and I blame myself for turning out to be incapable of taking care of myself and incapable of exploring the world where I need to learn and experience even though I could make mistakes. I don't know, it feels like I'm living in the shell too comfortably, and outside is the world filled with hardships and stuff like that.

 

[neojubei]

whatever reality that exists after death is definitely a lot better than life

 

[Cepheus]

I haven't posted here in a while.

I moved out of my apartment and my new flatmates are way better. I have glasses now and I've been put on Sertraline. The meds seem to work most of the time. However, I'm still failing the first year of my programming course for the second time and I've still run out of chances regarding that. It's just all hit me recently and the meds weren't able to stop me feeling awful. My family tells me it's because I'm home for the holidays and I don't have a routine, but that doesn't make sense to me because I go days without having lectures at university and I've been fine. I had a careers appointment but forgot the date to my next one and so I haven't been in contact with that department since February. The CBT people never got back to me either and my first appointments were supposed to be this month but I never got the dates. It's all falling apart again and I'm back to square one. Only now I have less chances, my family are more angry with me, and I think I might be a girl. Oh, and I've pretty much drifted away from all my university friends now. I'm alone again.

My family think I'm going to continue into second year of university and that's not happening. God knows what I'm going to do now.

The envious thoughts have come back in spades too. I'm getting jealous of people again and I feel awful. I haven't drawn in two months despite saying that I'd try and learn to draw for real this time (the third attempt at that in a year). Hell, finding out that the creator of a popular internet meme page was a programmer and also the same age as me (20) set my depression off today. I'm stuck and almost shaking at my computer right now.

 

[Lemaitre]

I'm still living at home in my shit hometown in my shit state. I can't see an out, but more importantly, I don't think there's an out for me. No matter what I do or try, nothing works out for me. I need to resign myself that my life will be trash, I'll always be poor, alone, and stuck in a meanginless life with nothing exemplary ever happening.

Hey.I know life may not be the greatest thing for you right now but I'm glad that you're pursuing treatment for mental health. Stay patient and keep chasing the need for self-improvement. As bad as situations may be we can always take steps to slowly crawl out of our own holes, and you are! The fact that you are so sick of how things have been going shows you want a change, and you are taking steps to obtain that change.

Beyond that I also wanted to say that positivity is a state of mind. Change is a state of mind. I know now it's difficult to imagine anything beyond what you've experienced but I do hope with mental health treatment your mentality can start to shift toward the better. You can move from a mindset of meaninglessness to one of meaning. And if you change that mindset (either through medication/therapy) you CAN work toward making the kind of exemplary life you wish for.

Good luck and keep fighting!

The envious thoughts have come back in spades too. I'm getting jealous of people again and I feel awful. I haven't drawn in two months despite saying that I'd try and learn to draw for real this time (the third attempt at that in a year). Hell, finding out that the creator of a popular internet meme page was a programmer and also the same age as me (20) set my depression off today. I'm stuck and almost shaking at my computer right now.

Personally I think that you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Yes you are failing your class and perhaps you will not be able to continue college next year but that doesn't mean that you won't ever have a chance to try again. Failing doesn't matter as much as your response to it. Perhaps taking a year off would do your mental health some good, and you could still stay productive and do some programming work on the side but at your own pace. And yes I agree with you that any medication won't completely solve your issues. You have to couple the medications with your own will for change but at the same time not everyone's mental health is the same. Your mental health may be more fragile than others with the same diagnosis, so definitely don't focus on others in that respect. Neither in your tendency to keep comparing yourself to the success of others. Only you feel and know the degree to which your problems effect you, and no one else has lived the life you have with your issues. Just try to keep in mind that life is a marathon, it's not a sprint. You have to be able to do well long term and you have to be able to preform consistently. Mental health is key for all of that and you're not doing yourself any favors by beating yourself about it.

And the same holds true with your inability to stay consistent in wanting to draw. Just because you've failed up to now doesn't mean you won't ever be able to learn how to draw. Every failure teaches us something not only about ourselves but how we can do better in the future. Good luck with your family situation and just remember they don't know the extent of your problems, only you do. Live off your own expectations and not off society's or your family's.

 

[Menthuss]

I'm trying to think about whether I'm crazy and that's why I'm such a loser or I'm crazy due to the fact that I'm treated like such a loser.

I couldn't get a job until recently. Graduated with Marketing and the only jobs that were calling were commission only door to door sales (yes those still fucking exist in 2017 for adults not just Girl Scouts apparently). I got a job at the local news station. While I'm learning quite a bit, I'm getting paid absolute trash. I have some health issues that I've put off addressing and since it took me so long to get a damn job, I finally signed up for Medicaid. Well, it only activated April 1st, and now that I have a job it's surely gonna go away. The health insurance at work has a fucking 3,500 hundred dollar deductible. I don't even comprehend how that qualifies as fucking health insurance, unless I go crazy with doctor visits or something truly grave happens, I'll be paying everything out of pocket. And again, I'm earning scraps for money (as a post college graduate). So now I'm scrambling to see the doctor to get my issues examined before I have to start paying everything but the fucking office won't answer the goddamn phone. Frankly I don't even wanna waste my small income on the health insurance but no doctor will even think of seeing you unless you have insurance. It's all bullshit, fuck these goddamn insurance companies and America's healthcare system.

I don't live in the US myself but I always hear the same things about its healthcare system and much of a trainwreck it is. I can't imagine how awful it must be to be in need of medical attention and to not be able to get it or to have to pay obscene amounts of money for it.

But more on the loser part, the past few years I've been losing friends left and fucking right. Even super close friends have forgotten or abandoned me. I truly feel that, yeah I have some quirks and annoying traits, but I'm a good friend when I'm needed, i.e. listening to my friends and offering advice, helping them however I can, being dependable etc. Yet nobody cares enough about me to return those things and even stick around me. I also haven't made a new friend in years, again, because I seem to wear people repelant.

And it's not just that. I got dumped by my ex December of 2015. He found a new partner a month later and they're still together. As for me, every single date I've been on? Failure. No matter who the person was, nobody wanted to see me again after one date (if I could even get anyone to agree to that in the first place). Not even a case of I have people interested in me that I'm not back, nope, nobody no matter what wanted to see me again.

This even seeps into work. Every single phone interview I did for a job would either never contact me again or literally within hours email saying fuck off, so I must've been really easy to decide against.

I even thought about joining the Air Force. Met with a recruiter, took the test online, and tried to contact him to get my scores and see what the next steps were. NEVER FUCKING CONTACTED ME BACK. Never. I called his office and even texted and called his personal phone (which he suggested) and no fucking response. The Air Force, aka anyone is welcome (as long as you're 18). Supposedly teaches people how to be super respectful or some shit. NO FUCKING CONTACT BACK.

I dunno what it is about me that screams "hey, feel free to ignore me when I try to reach out, be friendly, or literally anything and anytime." But I'm fucking sick of it. I'm on the precipice of a mental shutdown, one (probably undeserving) person is gonna ignore me one time and I'm gonna explode and go insane.

I need therapy, I know. But like I said, my health insurance once it activates is gonna be fucking trash and I can't afford to go and pay hundreds for therapy out of pocket.

I'm still living at home in my shit hometown in my shit state. I can't see an out, but more importantly, I don't think there's an out for me. No matter what I do or try, nothing works out for me. I need to resign myself that my life will be trash, I'll always be poor, alone, and stuck in a meanginless life with nothing exemplary ever happening.

Sorry for this rant, feel 100% free to ignore it, everyone else would.

I wish I could give you some advice on your issues but I'm hardly in a position to do that. All I can say is that you're definitely not alone.

 

[SomethingWitty]

I have the hardest time posting on social media and forums due to my anxiety making me n-tuple check things so I decided to try and post more again to get me over that hurdle. I just hope that taking such risks lead me into a situation that I don't want to be in (I.e. saying something offensive or stupid) but that's probably me catastropizing again.

 

[SlipperyFishes]

I've now been off citalopram since November or so after being on it for a year and a half. Since then I've started getting anxious about things that may or may not have contributed to a bit of a breakdown with my direct colleagues at work for a period. I'm going to put a bit in email tags here as I'm certain that some of my coworkers read Gaf so please quote to reveal (but pls don't post):

 

[MooMoo]

I'm really disappointed with myself. I'm at a age where I need to be ready for the world, but I feel that I'm not grown up to the point where I should be able to take care of myself. I blame myself for not taking things seriously. I'm almost done with college, and I haven't even started looking for jobs. I always get advice or some to tell me that I need to start looking for jobs instead of wasting time playing video games or not be productive. I'm a CS major and I haven't practiced coding or found something that's remotely interesting to me. I'm so naive, and I blame myself for turning out to be incapable of taking care of myself and incapable of exploring the world where I need to learn and experience even though I could make mistakes. I don't know, it feels like I'm living in the shell too comfortably, and outside is the world filled with hardships and stuff like that.

Hey! Just wanted to say I remember helping you a little with your coursework a long long time ago and that I'm glad to see that you're almost done with college. I know you have a lot of stress/anxiety/troubles over the CS stuff, but it's nice to see that you've managed to push through and that you're in the home stretch of being done with college.

I get the whole job search thing, and honestly the only reason I'm even where I am today is because my brother's friend gave me a job reference. Otherwise, I was pretty much in the same exact rut as you. Like I knew I had a to find a job after college ,and I knew I should have gone for summer internships/started looking for jobs during college to help me get my foot in the door, but it was just really hard to do it. Not only because of the depression, but also just trying to get over the mental barrier of "okay, I have this degree, and I guess I kind of like to code, but now what?" And I'll be honest, even though I'm capable of doing my job, I can't say with 100% that I like it or even enjoy it.

What I will say is this: as stressful as it can be not knowing what to exactly do with your CS background and as horrible you may feel on not keeping tabs on your coding skills, try not to let that line of thinking bog you down too much. Getting your foot in the door is one of the largest hurdles, but once you get past that bump, what I learned was that whatever I learned in college ended up being nowhere near on the level of what actually happens in the industry. But what makes up for that lack of experience is your capacity to learn and adapt to new concepts and techniques. I had absolutely zero web development experience before my current job and now I'm known as some web expert at my workplace (which if you had told me in college I'd be doing web development as a career, I would have scoffed and said that there's no way I'd be doing web dev since web devs aren't real programmers anyways; funny how things turned out ).

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, whether it's the job that empowers you to experience new things in the CS world, or if it's you discovering more in your free time; either way is fine. And it's absolutely okay to not be like those people who are passionate about the field and are coding 24/7 because at the end of the day, it's you who gives meaning to what you do in your life and in your line of field. But at the very least, I hope that when you do manage to find a job, that you just absorb anything and everything. And don't be afraid to make mistakes either; you'll quickly find that pretty much all software devs hate code that isn't their own haha. What's more important is to take the valid criticisms and to learn from those mistakes. And that's one of the neat things about programming it's always changing, there's always something new to learn, and there isn't a single person who knows everything and so it's easy to find something to focus and hone your skills on. Just try to move at a pace you feel comfortable with because it's better than the other end of the spectrum where you're constantly pushing yourself but not enjoying your line of work.

I've now been off citalopram since November or so after being on it for a year and a half. Since then I've started getting anxious about things that may or may not have contributed to a bit of a breakdown with my direct colleagues at work for a period. I'm going to put a bit in email tags here as I'm certain that some of my coworkers read Gaf so please quote to reveal (but pls don't post):

I can understand the job anxiety, but you're right in thinking it's just unnecessary job anxiety making you think that way. If they really wanted to let you go, and they had the power to do so (i.e. if you aren't super critical to the work environment), they probably would have done it by now. A more realistic scenario is they might bring up the exchanges during the review as something against you/for you to improve on (or maybe as something positive for you if they want to acknowledge how you resolved the problem in a good manner), but being let go seems like a big stretch. I'm sure you'll be okay and hopefully things do go over smoothly during your annual review; let us know how it goes.

 

[Sun Drugs]

I don't self-medicate with any of the drugs you listed (beyond weed every so often) but I will say that you should indeed visit a doctor or mental health specialist. Especially if you are dating someone that you like that much, you not only owe it to yourself to seek medical help but you owe it to them or any future partner. My now ex-wife largely left me because of my own mental health problems and because I was too stubborn to seek treatment until I hit rock bottom (after the divorce). Learn from my example and go now while you can still salvage your relationship while also keeping yourself from spiraling out of control.

Sorry to hear about your situation I am glad you ended up seeking treatment. Thank you for your response, you are right.

 

[lastendconductor]

.

 

[lastendconductor]

I can understand the job anxiety, but you're right in thinking it's just unnecessary job anxiety making you think that way. If they really wanted to let you go, and they had the power to do so (i.e. if you aren't super critical to the work environment), they probably would have done it by now. A more realistic scenario is they might bring up the exchanges during the review as something against you/for you to improve on (or maybe as something positive for you if they want to acknowledge how you resolved the problem in a good manner), but being let go seems like a big stretch. I'm sure you'll be okay and hopefully things do go over smoothly during your annual review; let us know how it goes.

This is correct, I've been working for years in a similar company with annual reviews and they're not the place for letting people go. If they mention any negative points, it'll be things they want you to improve on, constructive criticism.

 

[SomethingWitty]

Got into an argument on Reddit about LGBTQ representation in P5 and why we can critique aspects of Japanese culture. I got some trollish responses and some downvotes, and it's been making me anxious and depressed lately. I got some good responses and discussion too, but every little thing nowadays gets me down.

I feel like I have too much on my hands now since I took a medical leave from school, which I think is the catalyst for me wanting to get into that argument. Usually, I don't post on social media or forums like Gaf, but now I do. I thought expressing myself would make me feel better but sometimes I just feel like shit, sometimes feeling like I'm wrong or my opinion doesn't matter or I feel like I need to over analyze everything I say.

The suicidal idealation, while not strong, seems to always be there. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am very fortunate, go to a school uni, and have very supportive parents and family regarding my mental illness. But something in my cognition (or meta-cognition) is keeping me down. Is it my idealism? Is it because I catastrophize or think only about the negatives in my life? I feel lonely, having only a very silent voice. I feel people are always judging me, perhaps to the point of paranoia. I feel like people are judging me for my tanness, my Asian appearance, my smarts, my mental illness, my medicine, my well-to-do-ness, and for being depressed and anxious in general.

It felt better when I didn't say anything, didn't think about anything. When I just follow a clique and don't say anything at all. Be one with the local crowd, and don't think about the world that's outside.

There's so much complexity in the world and the little things but people are afraid to talk about it. And I want to talk about it, on Reddit, on Facebook, sometimes here on Gaf (although I'm afraid to post due to paranoia about being banned or saying something stupid). But the depression and anxiety stops it. I can't be productive anymore. It's all thoughts but little action. And what little action I do scares the hell out of me.

I don't know if that made sense to anyone (it was more stream-of-conscious writing), but I don't know. It's just my insane stream-of-conscious. Now if you would excuse me, I'm going to take my Gabapentin.

 

[Samurai G0SU]

Anyone have any exercises they do when they feel their thoughts are getting stuck in a loop on a situation or anything that makes you sad/low/heavy?

The current one i attempt is using all of my senses;
What do i see? What color is it?
What do i smell? Where is it coming from?
How does this feel to my finger tips? Is it soft, rough, wet, smooth?
Hows does this taste? What are the flavors im tasting?
What do i hear? Am i listening to a particular song?

but sometimes i go right back into that loop of endless thought ..... any other tips or tricks would be helpful as i don't need to be in these loops as i have great responsibilities i must focus on instead.

 

[Menthuss]

Anyone have any exercises they do when they feel their thoughts are getting stuck in a loop on a situation or anything that makes you sad/low/heavy?

The current one i attempt is using all of my senses;
What do i see? What color is it?
What do i smell? Where is it coming from?
How does this feel to my finger tips? Is it soft, rough, wet, smooth?
Hows does this taste? What are the flavors im tasting?
What do i hear? Am i listening to a particular song?

but sometimes i go right back into that loop of endless thought ..... any other tips or tricks would be helpful as i don't need to be in these loops as i have great responsibilities i must focus on instead.

Physical exercise is always a good one. Go for a run outside or start doing push-ups and/or sit-ups.

 

[Sesha]

I've had a depression rebound these past three weeks, with this evening being one of the heaviest moods, with the least amount of energy, I've had in over two months. Having had little sleep combined with having a cold today kicked it off, I think.

Random thought/observation born out of frustration: Term social media should be accompanied by quotation marks, or finger quotes when spoken, every time. That or an asterisk. Or just renamed to asocial media. With places like FaceBook sometimes you'll feel like you're in a crowd shouting but your voice is too small.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

So I need some advice you guys.

Last year in October I started becoming ridiculously stressed out and anxious. I started having all these symptoms like chest pain, fast heart rate, exhaustion etc. I went to the doctor several times, and everything was fine. My heart was good, it didn't beat too fast etc etc.

That's when I realized it was probably all in my head, that I was in that shitty time of the year. My previous psychologist said that she believed I had some sort of bipolarity, which meant that either I was super happy, or super sad, but the sad part happened very infrequently.

This is when I started going on my meds again, escitalopram 20mg. For the first time, the symptoms of using them were absolutely terrible, worse than they've ever been. For the first week I would be shaking and shivering, losing my balance and getting dizzy. Then after the first week the symptoms disappeared, and finally I felt normal again.

I used the pills as normal, but then in January I lost the pills, and couldn't get any new ones. The withdrawal symptoms I had were the worst I've ever had from going off them. I was getting brain zaps constantly, being woozy, ears ringing etc. All because I went off them cold turkey.

After the physical symptoms went away, I felt horrible. At the end of work every day, I would be terrified of leaving work because I would have to go home and be alone. I didn't know why, I just felt sad. Nothing pragmatical about my sadness really, it was all just my body having mood swings up and down.

I read that going off your meds can fuck up your chemical levels big time, and that you can feel "off" for a pretty long period of time. Sure enough, the sadness eventually subsided and I started having days again when I wasn't sad. When I did get those moments when I would become sad out of no where for no reason, the sadness was far from as severe as the last time.

But then, I found my box of the pills again, 90 of them. I'm now thinking if I should start taking them again, or if the general sadness I experience, is a side effect of going of the pills cold turkey.

I feel better today than I did a couple of weeks ago, but I still don't feel the same way as I did the last time I got off them, and especially as good as I felt the last time I was on them (as mentioned, I normally didn't need to take them all year around as my sadness usually affects me like 20% of the year).

Tl;dr: Should I go back on my meds, or do I feel less good at the moment because I quit my dosage the last time cold turkey.

 

[Menthuss]

So I need some advice you guys.

Last year in October I started becoming ridiculously stressed out and anxious. I started having all these symptoms like chest pain, fast heart rate, exhaustion etc. I went to the doctor several times, and everything was fine. My heart was good, it didn't beat too fast etc etc.

That's when I realized it was probably all in my head, that I was in that shitty time of the year. My previous psychologist said that she believed I had some sort of bipolarity, which meant that either I was super happy, or super sad, but the sad part happened very infrequently.

This is when I started going on my meds again, escitalopram 20mg. For the first time, the symptoms of using them were absolutely terrible, worse than they've ever been. For the first week I would be shaking and shivering, losing my balance and getting dizzy. Then after the first week the symptoms disappeared, and finally I felt normal again.

I used the pills as normal, but then in January I lost the pills, and couldn't get any new ones. The withdrawal symptoms I had were the worst I've ever had from going off them. I was getting brain zaps constantly, being woozy, ears ringing etc. All because I went off them cold turkey.

After the physical symptoms went away, I felt horrible. At the end of work every day, I would be terrified of leaving work because I would have to go home and be alone. I didn't know why, I just felt sad. Nothing pragmatical about my sadness really, it was all just my body having mood swings up and down.

I read that going off your meds can fuck up your chemical levels big time, and that you can feel "off" for a pretty long period of time. Sure enough, the sadness eventually subsided and I started having days again when I wouldn't be sad. When I did get those moments when I would become sad out of no where for no reason, the sadness was far from as severe as the last time.

But then, I find my box of the pills again, 90 of them. I'm now thinking if I should start taking them again, or if the general sadness I experience, is a side effect of going of the pills cold turkey.

I feel better today than I did a couple of weeks ago, but I still don't feel the same way as I did the last time I got off them, and especially as good as I felt the last time I was on them (as mentioned, I normally didn't need to take them all year around as my sadness usually affects me like 20% of the year).

Tl;dr: Should I go back on my meds, or do I feel less good at the moment because I quit my dosage the last time cold turkey.

I don't have any experience with medication myself but I very recently had a colleague at work come down with heavy depression after he didn't take his antidepressants for like a day or 2. Only now after like 4 weeks is he starting to recover. The effects you described pretty much line up perfectly with how he mentioned he was feeling. Based on that, I'd say don't stop taking your meds without at least consulting your doctor.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

I don't have any experience with medication myself but I very recently had a colleague at work come down with heavy depression after he didn't take his antidepressants for like a day or 2. Only now after like 4 weeks is he starting to recover. The effects you described pretty much line up perfectly with how he mentioned he was feeling. Based on that, I'd say don't stop taking your meds without at least consulting your doctor.

I haven't taken my meds since around the first week of January. That's when I accidentally quit cold turkey.

First four weeks, I had all the physical symptoms that I've experienced when going on and off the drugs. Then after that they disappeared, but I instead just felt sad, for no reason.

Problem is that my meds were prescribed to me by my Swedish doctors, and I live in a different country where I don't think they even have these meds.

I have a therapist here though, so I'm going to call her tomorrow, get an appointment on friday again so she can make a decision.

I can handle my general sadness and stuff, but what I'm feeling right now does not at all feel like it's been before. When I went through my worst state of depression, I at least had all the reasons around me to feel that way, but my life now is pretty damn great, and yet I have this thing in my head that at times just drops like an anchor with no notice and for no reason. Any time I get sad, I basically sit there, thinking about what just happened, and I haven't been able to find any pattern.

It feels entirely chemical, and that shit is scary.

 

[Menthuss]

I haven't taken my meds since around the first week of January. That's when I accidentally quit cold turkey.

First four weeks, I had all the physical symptoms that I've experienced when going on and off the drugs. Then after that they disappeared, but I instead just felt sad, for no reason.

Problem is that my meds were prescribed to me by my Swedish doctors, and I live in a different country where I don't think they even have these meds.

I have a therapist here though, so I'm going to call her tomorrow, get an appointment on friday again so she can make a decision.

I can handle my general sadness and stuff, but what I'm feeling right now does not at all feel like it's been before. When I went through my worst state of depression, I at least had all the reasons around me to feel that way, but my life now is pretty damn great, and yet I have this thing in my head that at times just drops like an anchor with no notice and for no reason. Any time I get sad, I basically sit there, thinking about what just happened, and I haven't been able to find any pattern.

It feels entirely chemical, and that shit is scary.

Well, to my understanding depression IS pretty much a chemical imbalance inside your brain which is why you can feel crap despite being happy with your current life. The medication is supposed to alleviate that imbalance and suddenly quitting would logically mess things up.

By that way, how do you get the meds, if you don't mind me asking? If they're not available in the country you're in, are they shipped to you from Sweden instead then?

 

[Fudgepuppy]

Well, to my understanding depression IS pretty much a chemical imbalance inside your brain which is why you can feel crap despite being happy with your current life. The medication is supposed to alleviate that imbalance and suddenly quitting would logically mess things up.

By that way, how do you get the meds, if you don't mind me asking. If they're not available in the country you're in, are they shipped to you from Sweden instead then?

I've experienced depression several times before, always dealing with some sort of anxiety and depression that I've effectively diminished over the years. This feels completely different.

I got them when I was still living in Sweden. I called my doctor, said I was going to be living abroad and needed a pretty big supply, which I got. Then I lost the last box and shit went haywire.

I can get new ones if I go to Sweden, but it's not the most practical solution.

 

[redlegs87]

I've been taking my dog to the vet lately and some tests came back with low liver and kidney functions. They want to do more tests to make sure it wasn't a one off thing. I just fear I'll have to have her put down or something and I don't know if I can handle something like that. I don't know how I'd be able to function without her being here with me.

 

[Lemaitre]

I've been taking my dog to the vet lately and some tests came back with low liver and kidney functions. They want to do more tests to make sure it wasn't a one off thing. I just fear I'll have to have her put down or something and I don't know if I can handle something like that. I don't know how I'd be able to function without her being here with me.

Sorry to hear about your situation with your doggy, I hope everything turns out well for the both of you.

I had to put down my German Shepherd due to a bad development of cancer and it was terrible. Best wishes redlegs.

 

[Kinsei]

I have no future, my parents hate me, and coming out of the closet was the worst decision I ever made in my life. I just want to end it but I'm too much of a coward to actually do it.

If only I had gone back to sleep that morning back in 2011 instead of going to the hospital. It all would have been over.

 

[DigitalRicket]

I have no future, my parents hate me, and coming out of the closet was the worst decision I ever made in my life. I just want to end it but I'm too much of a coward to actually do it.

If only I had gone back to sleep that morning back in 2011 instead of going to the hospital. It all would have been over.

I haven't been active in this thread in a long while so I hope I'm not treading any old ground if you've made posts in the past, but why may I ask do you have no future? What is making you hurt so badly right now? I'd like to hear what you're going through.

 

[Kinsei]

I haven't been active in this thread in a long while so I hope I'm not treading any old ground if you've made posts in the past, but why may I ask do you have no future? What is making you hurt so badly right now? I'd like to hear what you're going through.

I'm a high school dropout. I did manage to land a job a while back via a combination of nepotism and lying on my resume but that went to shit after I came out of the closet. I haven't been able to get a job since and it's been over two years.

I hate what I am.

 

[DigitalRicket]

I'm a high school dropout. I did manage to land a job a while back via a combination of nepotism and lying on my resume but that went to shit after I came out of the closet. I haven't been able to get a job since and it's been over two years.

I hate what I am.

Well, first of all I hear you. Finding a job seems like a sick joke in this day and age. You'd think there'd be an easier means in 2017 to find employment but the constant application filling and searching online feels like hell. But don't be discouraged just because you're a drop out. I got my G.E.D. at 17 but that hasn't hindered my job prospects, just limited them a little bit. While I won't be developing software anywhere (not that I couldn't learn on my own) I can still find work doing easier, menial jobs that aren't too stressful or mentally taxing.

Some people find value in the type of job they have. Others can make less money but be happy with what they make as long as it isn't stressful and it allows them to do something they enjoy on their off time.

What type of work do you have experience in? And what sort of work have you or are you primarily looking for?

 

[Kinsei]

Well, first of all I hear you. Finding a job seems like a sick joke in this day and age. You'd think there'd be an easier means in 2017 to find employment but the constant application filling and searching online feels like hell. But don't be discouraged just because you're a drop out. I got my G.E.D. at 17 but that hasn't hindered my job prospects, just limited them a little bit. While I won't be developing software anywhere (not that I couldn't learn on my own) I can still find work doing easier, menial jobs that aren't too stressful or mentally taxing.

Some people find value in the type of job they have. Others can make less money but be happy with what they make as long as it isn't stressful and it allows them to do something they enjoy on their off time.

What type of work do you have experience in? And what sort of work have you or are you primarily looking for?

My last job was mostly secretarial work. I've mostly been looking for fast food and retail jobs.

 

[Spladam]

I've been taking my dog to the vet lately and some tests came back with low liver and kidney functions. They want to do more tests to make sure it wasn't a one off thing. I just fear I'll have to have her put down or something and I don't know if I can handle something like that. I don't know how I'd be able to function without her being here with me.

Try to be hopeful in the meantime and manifest a positive outlook. Whatever you do, be there for your dog, be strong for her. Life has to go on after loss, if it would come to that. There is joy in creating a new bond with a new friend, and she'd probably want that for you.
I'm thinking things will work out for you guys for right now though.

I've experienced depression several times before, always dealing with some sort of anxiety and depression that I've effectively diminished over the years. This feels completely different.

I got them when I was still living in Sweden. I called my doctor, said I was going to be living abroad and needed a pretty big supply, which I got. Then I lost the last box and shit went haywire.

I can get new ones if I go to Sweden, but it's not the most practical solution.

If the meds were working for you, try to get back on them, make sure you follow the recommendations for starting them, most have to be weened onto and off of. Just make sure you get through this period, stay strong and TALK to people, who ever you have to talk to.

 

[DigitalRicket]

My last job was mostly secretarial work. I've mostly been looking for fast food and retail jobs.

Ah gotcha. What's recently helped me is searching for jobs that I normally wouldn't think of. There are always jobs for cleaning, whether it be as a janitor or houseman for tons of businesses. It's an honest day's work and you get a decent wage, plus you don't have to deal with the public. Maybe something like that may be up your alley?

As for socializing. Do you have any friends you regularly talk to or hang out with?

 

[Kinsei]

Ah gotcha. What's recently helped me is searching for jobs that I normally wouldn't think of. There are always jobs for cleaning, whether it be as a janitor or houseman for tons of businesses. It's an honest day's work and you get a decent wage, plus you don't have to deal with the public. Maybe something like that may be up your alley?

As for socializing. Do you have any friends you regularly talk to or hang out with?

I've never thought about stuff like cleaning jobs.

I don't have any friends. 99% of my human interaction these days comes from GAF.

 

[DigitalRicket]

I've never thought about stuff like cleaning jobs.

I don't have any friends. 99% of my human interaction these days comes from GAF.

I'm sorry about that. But the struggle is definitely real when it comes to not just finding people you can hang with, but having friends you can actually talk to. But you know, it's not impossible. Life sometimes gives you a crappy hand but it's possible to make something good out of it, you just have to work extra hard than others to make it what you'd like.

Have you sought out any friends in your area? Maybe joining any gaming groups or something maybe at a local library or college? There used to be an anime club at a local library in my area that would play games and do random social stuff together. Not saying you're into anime, but if you look at things like that you might be able to find some good people to interact with. That, or you can also look on places like the OT's for some games on here you like to play and offer to play with others. Reddit also has some good subreddits for gaming communities to play together.

And I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about in terms of help, but I just want to let you know that there are people out there who are willing to listen to you and make life a little less crappy.

 

[Kinsei]

I'm sorry about that. But the struggle is definitely real when it comes to not just finding people you can hang with, but having friends you can actually talk to. But you know, it's not impossible. Life sometimes gives you a crappy hand but it's possible to make something good out of it, you just have to work extra hard than others to make it what you'd like.

Have you sought out any friends in your area? Maybe joining any gaming groups or something maybe at a local library or college? There used to be an anime club at a local library in my area that would play games and do random social stuff together. Not saying you're into anime, but if you look at things like that you might be able to find some good people to interact with. That, or you can also look on places like the OT's for some games on here you like to play and offer to play with others. Reddit also has some good subreddits for gaming communities to play together.

And I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about in terms of help, but I just want to let you know that there are people out there who are willing to listen to you and make life a little less crappy.

That would require me to trust people and that's a lot easier said than done.

 

[Menthuss]

Just came back from another session with my therapist and got some pretty good tips.
I'm sharing these in the hopes they might help some else here.

The spoilered part is just my past, so you can get some context if you're interested.

Spoiler

For those that don't know, I've been dealing with self-esteem issues and loneliness for pretty much my entire life. I don't really have any friends and have never had a romantic relationship. These facts are partially what cause my low self-esteem and seriously get in the way of me meeting people and cultivating new relationships. This also tends to lead to a lot of self-loathing (Thoughts like "I'm such a pathetic coward" and "Nobody wants be friends with a socially awkward weirdo like me" often pop up in my mind).

The reason for my social isolation is a combination of my childhood and teenage years involving a lot of bullying and people betraying my trust and me running away from my problems and hoping they would go away eventually (they didn't). By the time I entered college I had become so used to not having any relationships that I pretty stopped trying. I got along with people well enough but I always kept them at a distance and in doing so, maintained this facade of being a normal, well-adjusted person. After I graduated I quickly found a job and started saving money so I could move out. After roughly a year I found a house and bought it.

Then one day, I sat alone in my room at my parent's house (I didn't get the keys until several months later) and I felt really sad. I suddenly realized that, at 25 years old, I had no friends and had never had a girlfriend. The whole world basically didn't even know I existed. I asked myself "How did I even let it get this far?". After some more self-reflecting I realized that I had completely stopped developing from a social perspective ever since I left highschool. It's not like I didn't want friendly and romantic relationships. I had just become so afraid of being socially rejected that I'd rather isolate myself rather than risk being hurt. And that's when I realized that things weren't just going to get better on their own. I was going to stay alone for the rest of my life I didn't do something. Quite frankly, I'm amazed I hadn't sunk into a depression at this point although I could see that easily become a possibility if I stayed this course. So I then decided I wanted to make a change. When I've finished moving into my own apartment, I would start to seek help. Fast forward to today, I've been living on my own for slightly more than a month now. I started seeing a therapist 3 weeks ago and have started my journey towards overcoming my social anxiety.

My therapist recommended that, whenever I feel really down and/or am criticizing myself for my social anxiety, I should take a step back and try to assess why I'm feeling this way. She made me realize that, while a part of me despises myself for being a social recluse and for having wasted so much of my youth, a part of me also understands that I couldn't have done anything about my situation back then. As I've said before, my anxiety was caused by multiple factors. The bullying and betrayals during my childhood and teenage years probably being the biggest contributors. You might also be inclined to say that me isolating myself during my time at college was completely my fault and I could've done something there. Initially, I thought the same way. But my therapist helped me understand that I wasn't actually in any position to call for help back then.
After all, back then I was still running away from my problems. Back then I was still trying to escape my lonely life with video games. Back then I was still under the illusion that things would somehow work out and I'd magically develop friendships and run into the girl of my dreams. We are our own worst enemy.

There were a lot of circumstances that led me to where I am now. Some were things I had absolutely no power over. Others not so much. But an important part of making peace with yourself is accepting your situation. For whatever reason, my childhood and early adolescent life were different from most other people. I missed a lot of experiences in life that for most people are incredibly common. Now it's up to me to accept all that and no longer torment myself over it. This is something I'll (and others as well) probably struggle with. My negative thoughts aren't going to vanish over night. Hell, they might not ever go away. But by understanding the underlying reasons for my thoughts, I can start to work towards addressing those reasons, instead of just flailing around in the dark.

Thanks for reading.
I put this out there in the hopes it'll benefit not just me but others as well. I've never really been good with turning my thoughts into words so if you have any questions, please ask. I'll be happy to answer them.

That would require me to trust people and that's a lot easier said than done.

For it's it worth (and I don't mean this in a cynical way), it's in a therapist's best interest to try their hardest to gain your trust as that's how they make money. A therapist isn't going to laugh at you or judge you in any way so you don't need to worry about them screwing you over in any way.

 

[TheSuperSakura]

.

 

[CosmicWabbit]

I haven't posted here in a long time but I need to vent about my actual situation, I don't have someone to talk about this and I can't take this anymore. Sorry if my english is a bit bad.

I just graduated from university in Graphic Design and I decided to get a job after that, it wasn't the job of my dreams but I needed something to do and the money too so I wanted to try it. Since the first day I saw problems with that job, I didn't like the job envrioment, there were some ridiculous strict rules and I didn't like what I was doing. But the worst problem it was something in me I had from before, I'm very shy and because of that I can't speak with costumers, I was scared everytime it was my turn to talk to them because I always forget important details and I don't know how to make a conversation. I got a ultimatum from my supervisor because of that and I decided to leave as soon as posible because I didn't handled well that situation. I only lasted one month there.

I believed that I made the right decission for my mental health but now I feel worse, I'm depressed, I feel useless and feel worse when I see people I know on Facebook that have nice jobs. Then I remember that they were my friends but now I'm a ghost for them, I know that I don't have to be thinking about that all the time but it's hard for me. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been crying every night because I feel like a failure. I made the right decission? What I'm going to do if I'm scared to talk with people? It's too late for me? I should give up on my dream of working as a children's illustrator/game artist? Those questions are always on my mind.

Its not related and a bit stupid but one more thing that makes me cry is becasue in 4 days is my birthday and I'm not excited for it like I was years before, it just makes me feel worse, last year nobody remember it and this year is going to be the same.

Thank you if you read this.