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My brother has a gaming addiction

People need to see it from both sides. Yeah the OP (and family) could come across a little more caring. But that's how it sometimes gets when a family have tried and tried to get a person to get help. The OP needs to understand his brother needs help big time and just pushing him away or having enough of him isn't going to work. A talking (down) to won't work either it will just get his brother down even more.

I bet the OP still cares about his brother it's just people always get to a point were they just think the person isn't up for getting help so why should I care. If the OP and his family can stay strong for his brother then it will help. But it has to be slowly slowly or the brother will just push them away. It's called having boundary issues and is very common in depression or anxiety (which it sounds like your brother has). The person or people see you or others trying to belittle or have a go at them so push you away even more.


People need to realise there is always more then one way to look at things.
 
Let people do what they want to do and be what they want to be (as long as it isn't hurting anyone).

The best thing you could possibly do would be to talk to him about it, express your concerns, and try to maintain a dialogue.

Beyond that, it is his life. He needs to try to find his own idea of happiness, other people's version of it is often incompatible.
 
Spman2099 said:
Let people do what they want to do and be what they want to be (as long as it isn't hurting anyone).

The best thing you could possibly do would be to talk to him about it, express your concerns, and try to maintain a dialogue.

Beyond that, it is his life. He needs to try to find his own idea of happiness, other people's version of it is often incompatible.
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OP has every right if his brother is doing all of this in his house. OP can set rules if he wants. Seriously you think it's ok for a 20 year old to pace back and forth because he can't play video games? Or almost on the verge of crying because he cant play for a few hours?
 
Kama_1082 said:
I see and read all the comments and I'm trying to be helpful to him but I have to respond to comments like those
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No, not really. You came looking for help for your bro. Whatever bullshit is posted about you is irrelevant and you should be able to see past that.

That is why I see your situation at home is so tense with him by always having to justify your actions while criticising his.
 
And OP, I'm not saying your wrong. But it seems your approach to him needs to change.

I think you wanted everyone here to respond with posts reiterating what you already know - he has a problem.

But some of the most sound advice is the ones directed to you. YOU need advice on how YOU can help him get over this. He is not posting this thread himself looking for help, your looking for ways to modify your approach to make him realize that he has an issue and how you can help.

The only thing that you can change is yourself. Why don't you and your dad bring him up a beer and sit with him and talk while he plays? Why do you just go up to kick him out so you guys can watch sports.

Your both building up a wall, figure out how to break it down
 
0racle said:
No, not really. You came looking for help for your bro. Whatever bullshit is posted about you is irrelevant and you should be able to see past that.

That is why I see your situation at home is so tense with him by always having to justify your actions while criticising his.
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Or OP is just reacting to people attacking him in this thread. OP is literally explaining the situation.

What OP's brother is doing is literally something that children do. Children cry when they don't get their way. There is clearly a problem there. OP has stated he's tried talking to his brother, but he shuts down.

Maybe there is something going on. He says the brother doesn't give the parents any hassle but who's buying him these games? The parents? If so they are enabling him.

I'd personally tell him to get a job part time and start doing shit around the house for one.
 
0racle said:
And OP, I'm not saying your wrong. But it seems your approach to him needs to change.

I think you wanted everyone here to respond with posts reiterating what you already know - he has a problem.

But some of the most sound advice is the ones directed to you. YOU need advice on how YOU can help him get over this. He is not posting this thread himself looking for help, your looking for ways to modify your approach to make him realize that he has an issue and how you can help.
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the problem I have with some people here is that my brother has to watch football, drink beer or watch lifetime. I don't care about that. I wanted to spend time with him and flat out refused to take part in anything except for Thanksgiving dinner and we hit our boiling point. Did we take a "wrong" approach? Probably. Him playing games elsewhere isn't the problem. We have plenty of TVs in the house. We just want him to enjoy in moderation and not 24 hr gaming sessions when you're visiting family you see 2-3 times a year
 
Kama_1082 said:
the problem I have with some people here is that my brother has to watch football, drink beer or watch lifetime. I don't care about that. I wanted to spend time with him and flat out refused to take part in anything except for Thanksgiving dinner and we hit our boiling point. Did we take a "wrong" approach? Probably. Him playing games elsewhere isn't the problem. We have plenty of TVs in the house. We just want him to enjoy in moderation and not 24 hr gaming sessions when you're visiting family you see 2-3 times a year
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People are really sucking at empathy ITT, esp. regarding the bolded.
 
Boke1879 said:
Or OP is just reacting to people attacking him in this thread. OP is literally explaining the situation.

What OP's brother is doing is literally something that children do. Children cry when they don't get their way. There is clearly a problem there. OP has stated he's tried talking to his brother, but he shuts down.

Maybe there is something going on. He says the brother doesn't give the parents any hassle but who's buying him these games? The parents? If so they are enabling him.

I'd personally tell him to get a job part time and start doing shit around the house for one.
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And if as it looks the brother has depression etc (his brother basically is describe how I use to be) then saying get a job or do a job around the house will make it worse. He needs proper help not just being told what to do.
 
Kama_1082 said:
We have plenty of TVs in the house. We just want him to enjoy in moderation and not 24 hr gaming sessions when you're visiting family you see 2-3 times a year
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Why don't you and pops sit down and play some games with him then? I mean, if the issue for you is really that you want to spend time with him. He may not like sports like you, but you both like games.
 
CambriaRising said:
Why don't you and pops sit down and play some games with him then? I mean, if the issue for you is really that you want to spend time with him. He may not like sports like you, but you both like games.
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Can it be anything else not relating to games? There's plenty of stuff to do that's not gaming or sports or drinking. So limiting to games is not helping the situation. What I mean is there should be a neutral ground for both parties.
 
CambriaRising said:
Why don't you and pops sit down and play some games with him then? I mean, if the issue for you is really that you want to spend time with him. He may not like sports like you, but you both like games.
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He doesn't like to. He likes to game alone for some reason. I bought the Borderlands collection on BF hoping to play the Pre sequel with him and he didn't want to. "Hey Rich, wanna play co-op" 'Nah, I'm ok. You play"

um, ok? And that'll be it.
 
Kama_1082 said:
He doesn't like to. He likes to game alone for some reason. I bought the Borderlands collection on BF hoping to play the Pre sequel with him and he didn't want to. "Hey Rich, wanna play co-op" 'Nah, I'm ok. You play"

um, ok? And that'll be it.
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Does he keep himself to himself all the time? Do you know how he is at home? Does he go out at all? or just stay at home?
 
Beefy said:
And if as it looks the brother has depression etc (his brother basically is describe how I use to be) then saying get a job or do a job around the house will make it worse. He needs proper help not just being told what to do.
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and if one flat out refuses help that makes it tough.

Here's my thing. He lives with his parents. If they are getting fed up with it. Tell him to at least get a part time job.

Playing games all day can't be good for the electricity. Start making him earn some of his keep. Have him put money on internet and bills.
 
NoctisVsStar said:
Can it be anything else not relating to games? There's plenty of stuff to do that's not gaming or sports or drinking. So limiting to games is not helping the situation.
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My point was that if you wanna spend time doing something with someone you gotta have some sort of shared interest in that thing. Otherwise they aren't going to respond well to it.
 
At 20 with no responsibility, I don't see the problem but I'm not seeing it in person like OP.
I was the same way minus the late nights, always needed a good nights rest.
 
Boke1879 said:
OP has every right if his brother is doing all of this in his house. OP can set rules if he wants.
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Sure does, but I am assuming this is less about the immediate situation and more about his brother as a whole.

Boke1879 said:
Seriously you think it's ok for a 20 year old to pace back and forth because he can't play video games? Or almost on the verge of crying because he cant play for a few hours?
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I think I heard one side of the story. Beyond that, whatever makes you happy that doesn't hurt others is okay. Most people struggle to find happiness. It isn't something that comes easy. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all solution for this problem. Well, there is heroine, but that has a few drawbacks...

Once again, all he can really do is express his concerns.
 
Kama_1082 said:
Nope. My house, my rules.
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So you see him 2 or 3 times a year and this is how you treat him?

Kama_1082 said:
the problem I have with some people here is that my brother has to watch football, drink beer or watch lifetime. I don't care about that. I wanted to spend time with him and flat out refused to take part in anything except for Thanksgiving dinner and we hit our boiling point. Did we take a "wrong" approach? Probably. Him playing games elsewhere isn't the problem. We have plenty of TVs in the house. We just want him to enjoy in moderation and not 24 hr gaming sessions when you're visiting family you see 2-3 times a year
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Didn't you say earlier you had 4 TV's?
The gaming room tv you and dad are watching sports on?
The tv downstairs mom and wife are watching movies?
The tv your kid uses?
The tv in your room bro is not allowed to use?

If so, this sounds more like you are telling your bro to fuck off for not doing what you want him to do. I can see why he would rather game.
 
Do you still play games with him? Does the Blops still have local coop zombie mode or whatever? Sometimes it might be worthwhile to take small steps. Becoming his ally would make any attempt in reaching-out more effective. Why not have bonding time through a hobby he likes?
 
Llyranor said:
Do you still play games with him? Does the Blops still have local coop zombie mode or whatever? Sometimes it might be worthwhile to take small steps. Becoming his ally would make any attempt in reaching-out more effective. Why not have bonding time through a hobby he likes?
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I've tried with no success. We spoke with him after his talk with my dad and he understood that it's not a good look for him and he apologized for just being up here not wanting to join us for anything and that he'll work hard to change.

It seems that my parents don't buy him any games even though they got him an Xbox One for his birthday in August and they give him only so much money a month to do what he wants with. But when he comes up here, I have all the games he wants to play so that's what he does. I told him that it's cool to play, it's all good, just hang out with us and he agreed.

He's enjoying watching games with us right now and having a good time. It's that you guys don't know how my brother functions. Begging and taking the "right" approach doesn't work for him. He needs the tough love kind of thing and he'll click. It takes a few times but it's what works for him in some weird way.
 
This used to be me in a lot of ways. I'd see my family once a year and when I did see them I basically holed myself up in the room I was sleeping in and staying on my computer the whole time.

Why?

Because I genuinely didn't want to do the things they wanted me to do. Most of the time it was quietly sitting around and watching TV--and that's pretty goddamn boring. I didn't wanna just see my family. Being in the same house achieved that effect for me, really. I wanted to be online and chatting with my friends as opposed to sitting around listlessly. Which, for all intents and purposes, it sounds like your brother is talking with his friends when he's gaming.

Now I'm a bit older and when I see my family I like to spend time with them but it's mostly because we all actively talk to each other and do things other than sit around and watch TV now.

So rather than take away his options--or try to force him into doing something he doesn't like--give him other options. Don't sit around and watch football and expect him to be chill with doing that if he doesn't have any interest in it. Maybe don't even try to game with him. Go out and do stuff with your family if you only see them a few times a year!

Kama_1082 said:
I've tried with no success. We spoke with him after his talk with my dad and he understood that it's not a good look for him and he apologized for just being up here not wanting to join us for anything and that he'll work hard to change.

It seems that my parents don't buy him any games even though they got him an Xbox One for his birthday in August and they give him only so much money a month to do what he wants with. But when he comes up here, I have all the games he wants to play so that's what he does. I told him that it's cool to play, it's all good, just hang out with us and he agreed.

He's enjoying watching games with us right now and having a good time. It's that you guys don't know how my brother functions. Begging and taking the "right" approach doesn't work for him. He needs the tough love kind of thing and he'll click. It takes a few times but it's what works for him in some weird way.
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I'm gonna be a bit of an ass here and say the "tough love" approach doesn't teach someone much of anything other than learning how to lie better. You have no idea if he's actually enjoying spending time with you--sitting around and watching the games--or if he's just shutting up because it's easier that way.
 
Sylas said:
I'm gonna be a bit of an ass here and say the "tough love" approach doesn't teach someone much of anything other than learning how to lie better. You have no idea if he's actually enjoying spending time with you--sitting around and watching the games--or if he's just shutting up because it's easier that way.
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To be honest, I was kinda thinking along these lines too; As harsh as it is to say, perhaps OP's little brother just doesn't actually like spending time with them for whatever reason. He'll do enough to make an appearance sure, but that could be the extent of it. Of course, if this actually is remotely the case, the true task comes in figuring out why he would feel that way.
 
I'm not a psychologist--let me get that outta the way first. But everything you've said about your brother makes it sound like he's clinically depressed and probably needs to see a therapist about that.

Being bullied into doing stuff to keep up appearances isn't going to make anything better, and if you guys can't be understanding... Well. :/

Give the guy more options. Talk to him about what he is interested in. Show him there's something worth engaging with outside of games.
 
I used to be like this in my late teens/early 20s I think. Then I landed a great job where I made new friends with varied interests, which led to new experiences - both good and bad, which led to me realizing that I had squandered a shitload of time obsessing over gaming. Time that could have been spent doing anything else. I still play here and there but now maybe it's once or twice a week, if that.

Your brother just needs exposure to any non-gaming activities he may enjoy, preferably social activities. He is obviously going to need a bit of a push to get him started so help a brother out.
 
So he does have friends so he's not super anti-social.

Did he want to come on this trip or was he dragged along?

Were you two close growing up?

Has he ever shown enjoyment with hanging out with family?

Maybe he just doesn't want to be there.
 
kagamin said:
As a 20 year old, I can attest to this.
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Then he could just have an internet addiction to gaming message boards and be on his laptop or phone all day.. As someone who struggles with this, I know this isn't the answer.

You're brother could be lacking a social life of some sorts, and is using video games as an alternative outlet to try and fill the void. I know I do. I chat more on messageboards than actually play games. But it doesn't really fill it(at least not permanently). Makes me lonelier.

I'd try to make some fun events with friends and family. Have him away from the computer and just enjoy the outdoors and socialize with real friends.
 
Griss said:
I've gone through periods like that in my life.

Half of it was addiction to awesome games, half of it was dealing with social anxiety. I would duck out of a party I was part of hosting to play an hour of some RPG then go back in for 10 minutes and pretend I hadn't left, then duck out again.

I'd be in a car or on a bus just thinking of nothing but being able to sit down and play again.

It's not nice. I still probably play too many video games but I certainly have it under control for the last 8 years or so.
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I've had the same type of experience you have. I still play lots of games but they don't hold me back from getting out and socialising anymore.
 
Guy is 20 man, nothing wrong with him, he wants to game then let him. He will have time for other shit in life. It's more like you have problem with him not spending time with you than him having problem with gaming. I'm pretty sure a lot of people on GAF was like that at some point in life, I know I was. Hell all my cousins were the same when we had them for Christmas or Thanksgiving, he will change with time. He just wants to have fun the way he likes it, nothing wrong with that.
 
Kama_1082 said:
I have no problem with his hobby. We share the same love for games and I even introduced him to the thing. He's a great kid, never gives my parents any hassle like I did. It's just that he doesn't know the concept of moderation. And that's where we are drawing the line. Like if he hung out with us all day and wanted to play all night..cool deal. My dad and I will go to a sports bar and watch the game, no big deal. But this is the only way to get him to stop and my dad just said so that his time needs to be short. He finally agreed that it is a problem
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I dunno man, I think maybe he has social disorders perhaps. Does he go out much

I know it's your house nd your rules but sometimes that brings pressurw and an uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes just letting someone be more comfortable can go a long way. Not saying you should let him do anything he wants, it's just how you go about the rules and how you handle them. Can make a huge difference.

Get him to join gaf seriously and it may be easier for him to express his ideas on here than to actually speak.
 
ShadowFox08 said:
Then he could just have an internet addiction to gaming message boards and be on his laptop or phone all day.. As someone who struggles with this, I know this isn't the answer.

You're brother could be lacking a social life of some sorts, and is using video games as an alternative outlet to try and fill the void. I know I do. I chat more on messageboards than actually play games. But it doesn't really fill it(at least not permanently). Makes me lonelier.

I'd try to make some fun events with friends and family. Have him away from the computer and just enjoy the outdoors and socialize with real friends.
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I was kinda being facetious, I had a problem until I got into college. Being social also drains me a lot however, doesn't mean I don't enjoy it.
 
H3rTz DoNuT said:
Guy is 20 man, nothing wrong with him, he wants to game then let him. He will have time for other shit in life. It's more like you have problem with him not spending time with you than him having problem with gaming. I'm pretty sure a lot of people on GAF was like that at some point in life, I know I was. Hell all my cousins were the same when we had them for Christmas or Thanksgiving, he will change with time. He just wants to have fun the way he likes it, nothing wrong with that.
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I agree. I'm 21, and if I wasn't studying for finals I would be doing the same as OPs brother right now. Let him do what he wants.
 
I can't imagine being willfully unemployed at 20. That's really the biggest thing that stands out to me, here.

Because if he was working and paying his own bills and going to college, i wouldn't think it was weird that he spent every free moment of his life playing video games. I do that now. As soon as I get home from work, I pick up a controller.

But at 20, how can he not be working? That's what sticks out to me as unhealthy. Because that means he isn't building himself at all. He's in the exact same place as he was when he graduated high school. His college education is nothing until he gets his degree, which gives him two or more years of absolute nothingness that he will spend playing video games.

Some resume he'll have. No experience with supporting himself or paying his own bills. No concept of time management. No connections or networked relationships to help him leverage his supposed degree into a job. I can almost guarantee you that he will be sitting right in front of his 360 the day he graduates from college. What will have changed? Nothing. What will he have gained? Nothing.

Does he think he is going to pick up an associates in Liberal Arts and then get a job? What's his plan? Hi, I haven't worked for four years and have no experience. Please hire me?

If he was working, then he's earning his free time. But he's not. So he's indulging his static lifestyle with constant leisure. He is making no personal progress at all. And that is one of the biggest consequences of addiction: it makes you okay with being bored. With nothingness. No growth. No progress.

The dude is an adult. I'm concerned that he isn't living like one. But he's not my brother. I don't know him. I hope he ends up okay.
 
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