• Hey Guest. Check out your NeoGAF Wrapped 2025 results here!

My girlfriend has feelings for another guy

Status
Not open for further replies.
LegendofLex said:
This is never, ever, ever a good idea and I recommend it to no one.

What I do recommend in this situation: talking to her about what would be reasonable ground rules. You already established ground rules about communicating with each other if one of you develops feelings for someone else, and she appears to have followed them; now figure out what the boundaries should be to maintain transparency going forward.

Those rules need to be reasonable, though; something like "promise me you won't spend time with him alone" is much less controlling than "don't ever see him again," and totally reasonable given that she could do literally anything behind your back and you'd never know anyway. She did say, after all, that she doesn't want to make things awkward with mutual acquaintances. You'd be being respectful of her; she'd be respectful of the need for boundaries with this other guy that she's admitted she has a crush on.
Click to expand...

I think you're the only other person in this thread up until now who supported my point on this. Great post, great advice. Theres a is very, very, very big difference between "don't have dinner with him alone" and "DON'T YOU EVER LAY EYES ON HIM AGAIN".

EDIT: "cease all contact" includes social outings where he happens to be attending, which is very disrespectful towards her friends because she puts them in a position to choose between her and him, too, maybe completely destroying her social circle. There has to be a middle ground that does destroy neither the relationship nor her social contacts.
 
Omegasquash said:
tl;dr OP: If you want to end it, end it. Relationships are about what two people want, and if that ain't in sync then you have every right to say that you're not happy. She is totally free to explore how she feels about this other guy, and you shouldn't stop her. But she shouldn't have any say on how that makes you feel, and she certainly doesn't get to veto a break up if that's what you want. I wish you the best, OP.
Click to expand...
THIS post is a perfect example in my experience as well. I got hurt a few times because I was only playing by her guidelines and not setting any of my own. Being a pushover and allowing somebody to play with your emotions can be catastrophic and set you back pretty far emotionally for YEARS.

So OP, you should really think about yourselve and your own emotions before she has the potential to wreck both.
 
End it OP. Be thankful that she told you about this guy before doing stuff with him and keeping you in the dark. This is the easiest outcome possible.

End it quickly and please cut off all contact with her. You need to heal first before even considering talking with her again.

And a personal fuck you to everyone in this thread that is victim blaming the OP. You assholes probably never had a long distance relationship.
 
Take it from someone who went through a similar situation: this probably won't end well. It's a lose-lose situation.

When you're in a relationship and you're serious about the person you love, you don't let feelings develop for another person. You just don't. You deserve someone who isn't going to put you in this sort of situation, OP. She's not trying to hurt you or anything, but she clearly cares enough about this dude to make this an ongoing issue. That alone should be enough to bail.

I can also tell you from experience that when things don't work out with this other guy, she'll probably come crawling back to you. Don't take the bait.
 
OP you're better off ending this for good before you get hurt even more. A long-distance relationship like that won't end up going well for you at all.

My last girlfriend said the same thing to me and I dumped her a few days later when I realized it just wasn't worth it especially when the other guy reciprocates her feelings and it's even clingier than you are.
 
bill0527 said:
She has feelings for him.

She sees him a lot more than she sees you.

You are nowhere around to put this fire out before it becomes an inferno.

This isn't going to end well for you.
Click to expand...

So very much this. As hard as it is OP you should either bail out now or start mentally and emotionally preparing yourself for when things go bad. If there is any way for this to become not long-distance, or if that guy moves away or something, you've got a shot.
 
Megalodactyl said:
All I'm gonna say is,

Fuck Long Distance Relationships.
Click to expand...

It's only worth it if both people make it to a point where they agree to a long-term, achievable plan, and that plan needs to be executed as quickly as possible. It's still hard, but it's better than "well let's just see what happens!"
 
Piggus said:
When you're in a relationship and you're serious about the person you love, you don't let feelings develop for another person. You just don't.
Click to expand...

That's an unhealthy and repressive attitude. It's natural for people to develop attraction-level feelings for someone new who enters their lives. Your body's chemically wired to make you want to be around people whose company you enjoy. It's true even for simple platonic friendships, and sometimes there can be an underlying sexual attraction, even it's brief and never goes anywhere.

The "feelings" aren't important. It's the level of commitment that matters. If someone's in a committed relationship, having feelings for other people doesn't have to mean violating the commitment. At the same time, it's possible to be in a committed relationship while your behavior suggests you're more emotionally invested in someone on the side. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior.
 
GutsOfThor said:
Shit like this is why I stay out of relationships. It can be lonely sometimes but at least you don't have to deal with drama.
Click to expand...

This is the other extreme and it isn't really healthy long term. You're going to regret "staying out of relationships", man. Relationships are a fundamental part of life. Don't shut them out for fear of drama.
 
You'll probably be making a huge mistake by staying with her, but it's a mistake that you're gonna have to make. Leave now, and you'll be wondering if it could have worked down the line.

You stay, it ends up blowing up with her saying she needs time to find herself. 6 months down the line, you check up on her Facebook because you're still pining. What do you see? You already know, I don't have to tell you.

But this mistake on the scale of things is a good one. You gamble and maybe it works out. If it doesn't you at least learn that once red flags start popping off like fucking fireworks you walk away from the damn fire. Yes it will change you. Yes you might become jaded and trust less. But, hey, no one said you'll go through life unscathed. Try to enjoy it.
 
Omegasquash said:
story
Click to expand...

This was a great read.


It's weird because had you told that story now and cut off the ending, I think most people here on GAF would have told you to bail.

"major red flag man", "she cant make up her mind", "her friends are dicks", "she fucked those guys OP".

I wonder if your story is rare. You describe your wife as an attractive redhead. From your story I am not really sure what it was that made her decide to stay with you- Also because nobody gets hit more on than hot bartenders hah!
 
In situations like this, I read responses that seem like walking on eggshells to not upset the straying partner by asking them to reign in their lust if they want to continue the relationship. I think that any reasonable partner in a relationship would immediately recognize the threat to the relationship and the hurt that this encroachment causes their partner and would be willing to without a question cut out the problem completely. If you know there is someone you dig and you are developing feelings for outside of a committed relationship, the only solution if you do not want to hurt your relationship is to end all contact with that person. Admitting that biology plays a large part in relationships strengthens this position. It's not unreasonable to cut potential problems out of your life for your partner.
 
sadceph2001 said:
I just can't help but feel weak and lacking control. I adore her and don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't know whether I can feel comfortable knowing she's keeping him in her life.
Click to expand...

Know that feeling all too well, but in my experience ultimatums usually make things worse. You know the old adage, if you love someone, set them free. If the two of you are meant to be, she'll have to see that on her own. Loosen your grip and see what happens. My two-cents worth.

And yeah, it'll hurt more than anything you've ever felt, I'm sure, but that's just the reality of the situation.
 
Strictly said:
You'll probably be making a huge mistake by staying with her, but it's a mistake that you're gonna have to make. Leave now, and you'll be wondering if it could have worked down the line.

...

But this mistake on the scale of things is a good one. You gamble and maybe it works out. If it doesn't you at least learn that once red flags start popping off like fucking fireworks you walk away from the damn fire. Yes it will change you. Yes you might become jaded and trust less. But, hey, no one said you'll go through life unscathed. Try to enjoy it.
Click to expand...

Yup, my point from a few pages ago. Sometimes you just have to gamble. My relationship certainly wouldn't still be going on if I didn't gamble.

I had an Ex-Boyfriend who grew distant after 4 months. At the same time he started contacting his ex, assuring me "just as friends, no worries". But he got more and more distant. And then broke up with me - all the while making the whole thing my fault, I was too paranoid, didn't trust him, wasn't lovable blabla and assured me he wasn't breaking up for his ex.
Well, they were at a birthday party the very next evening. Kissing and cuddling.

My current boyfriend and me had a few red flags I gambled on. First of all, when we got together he had just broken up with his ex like a month ago. Then after 3-4 months into it he started talking to his ex again.
He also grew more distant around this time.
I really considered breaking up with him, but I decided to talk it out. Turns out he was just super super stressed at work and his way to handle stress is that he just talks less in the evenings. It was all a big coincidence.
Now, a lot of time later, he's friends with his ex, I am friends with his ex (and he's friends with mine too) and we're happy together.

Sure, I could have been hurt once again, but I decided that I knew what that pain felt like and I didn't want to give up something that might make me happy just to avoid the pain. And in my case it paid off.

I think it's always a gamble of "do I want to risk the pain"? And if that's not worth it to you... that's okay too.
 
Opto said:
I don't know why she told you. Sounds like the beginning of a soft break up
Click to expand...

This is what it is. She's too much of a coward to do a clean break, so OP has to do it. Whatever. She obviously has new dick. Just dump her and move on.
 
End it now.

Even if she didn't do anything, it's going to eat at you.

Even if you start to become attracted to someone, you don't go tell your significant other that. Especially if it's just some fleeting fantasy thing. She has to be taking it pretty seriously or already did something with the guy to be telling you this. Just seems really fishy.

Usually telling you something like that is to get you to let her 'test the waters' or something. Break it off and be sure to post back with results.
 
maxcriden said:
No reason to be thinking she's lying, though. We don't have any information from OP indicating she has a track record of untrustworthiness. I'm not saying OP should stay in the relationship, but I don't see any reason to think she's lying about anything.
Click to expand...

The fact that she told him about this other guy was good on her to do that. Unfortunately, not many people out there are that honest anymore...
 
Emotions aren't binary -- that's the little secret they don't tell us growing up. You can be capable of having feelings for multiple people and still be a loyal and loving partner. Pretending like that will never happen is naive and it honestly shows a lot of maturity that your girlfriend was open and honest with you about this without any snooping or prodding on your part.

That said, if you lived in the same city, this might be manageable -- something you could work through together. But being long distance puts you (and the relationship) at a distinct disadvantage, especially if there's no looming end to that distance.

At the end of the day, this other guy is there, and you're not. Even if he's not interested in her, that seed of doubt is now planted and it's going to create a lot of anxiety for you. After you learn something like that, every unanswered phone call or lingering text can feel like an indictment if you let it. That can change your behavior and create a sharper contrast that will just push you both farther apart. So this is as much a question of your mindset and willingness to endure as it is hers.

There are way too many unknown factors here for me to draw any real conclusions, but I would say that making something like this work requires a lot of maturity and dedication from both parties. I wouldn't let the rush of emotions and anxiety lead to hasty ultimatums (too late for that I guess) or decrees, but you also shouldn't stay in things if after a little time and reflection you feel like you've got a losing or simply toxic hand. Better to fold cleanly then to sit back and be party to the slow and painful disintegration of something you once loved.
 
nwat.gif


Bail
 
Vigilant Walrus said:
This was a great read.


It's weird because had you told that story now and cut off the ending, I think most people here on GAF would have told you to bail.

"major red flag man", "she cant make up her mind", "her friends are dicks", "she fucked those guys OP".

I wonder if your story is rare. You describe your wife as an attractive redhead. From your story I am not really sure what it was that made her decide to stay with you- Also because nobody gets hit more on than hot bartenders hah!
Click to expand...

Ha. To be honest, lots of people did tell me to bolt. I figured I loved her enough to let her be sure of the decision, but some of the things I did just weren't respectful to myself. That said, she told me that she realized she really did love me, not just the concept of a guy that isn't abusive/controlling. When confronted with the reality that I was going to start looking elsewhere, she quickly realized that exploring wasn't worth it...she was in fact in love with me.

It wasn't the looks, that's for sure. I've upped my game since then, and while I still think I don't have much business being with a gal that looks that good, I say I didn't have any business at all back then :)

Her friends? They were dicks tho. They can all piss up a rope for all I care.

Lone_Prodigy said:
Crazy story, but glad it all worked out for you two in the end.
Click to expand...

Thanks, and me too. We managed to make a few great kids together, and we even like hanging around each other when we're sober!
 
Mohonky said:
Leave her. She can make up her mind after that fact.

"Dont want to seem like a bitch" huh? What reasoning. I'm too polite to cease contact with this person, I don't want to hurt his feelings.....what this OP you have feelings too? Yeh sorry he's are more important, I have to save face.

Seriously, get rid of her.
Click to expand...

Listen to this guy
 
All these paragraphs of advice when you only need a single sentence when the person you're seeing tells you they have feelings for someone else:

As painful as it may seem, it's simply time to move along.

You'll be saving yourself from much greater pain in the long run.
 
maxcriden said:
I don't understand what you mean by "good on her."
Click to expand...

Do I really need to spell it out for you? Just so that he doesn't catch her cheating on him. It's better for her to tell him that she's got feelings for someone else rather than forcefully carrying on a relationship when it'll just lead to hurt. Either that, or her ending up hating him for not letting her follow what her heart is telling her. It will just end destructively if he doesn't just drop it now.
 
Cheech said:
This is what it is. She's too much of a coward to do a clean break, so OP has to do it. Whatever. She obviously has new dick. Just dump her and move on.
Click to expand...

Well I don't know if she's actually cheated. Maybe, maybe not. But this is a primer. By telling OP, she gets to put a question mark on the relationship. If she can't get with the new guy, she can just go back to OP. If she can, well, phase one of the breakup is already there.

Telling an SO you like someone else, that confession is honest but it doesn't do anything for the relationship. Especially with long distance, as it makes the SO stew with doubt.
 
I don't think you have already been cheated on.

If I did think that, it would change a lot of things for my personal life. I am only going on what you posted here though. Some people seem to think you actually are being naive.
 
Seems like a common thread with these relationship threads is that many posters just don't value or respect themselves.

They basically see the object of their affection as someone theyr'e privileged to have, not understanding that they're also privileged to have you.

If they can't see that, find someone who can. They are out there.

Stop settling for these shitty relationships.

People, the ones you will date, will respect you for it.
 
Gaz_RB said:
This is the other extreme and it isn't really healthy long term. You're going to regret "staying out of relationships", man. Relationships are a fundamental part of life. Don't shut them out for fear of drama.
Click to expand...

I should have clarified that I stay out of romantic relationships because of the drama. I still have relationships with friends and family obviously.
 
She's in college and all her friends are dating and she feels like she's left out. She might as well be single while all her friends are having fun.

Bail out OP, I've been there, it does not work out and trying to make it is a world of pain that leaves you broken while she gets new dick.
 
She developed feelings for another guy that she met in only one week? Bail out, dude. Either she is sick in the head or just wants some D. Maybe both.
 
Sumio Mondo said:
Do I really need to spell it out for you? Just so that he doesn't catch her cheating on him. It's better for her to tell him that she's got feelings for someone else rather than forcefully carrying on a relationship when it'll just lead to hurt. Either that, or her ending up hating him for not letting her follow what her heart is telling her. It will just end destructively if he doesn't just drop it now.
Click to expand...

You really did need to spell it out for me. I didn't understand your sentence the way it was constructed. Thank you for explicating it. I think I understand now and I do agree but I think it would be better if she just ended things with him in that case, rather than leaving the decision up to him.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Dinged up my car GAF. Few feelings are worse 😭
Drama  2
56
388
BennyBlanco replied
Lena Dunham wrote another memoir…
2 3
113
768
DeafTourette replied
Lee Tamahori, director of Die Another Day and The Edge, has passed away
15
492
roosnam1980 replied
Another Satoshi Nakamoto (Bitcoin creator(s) theory has arisen
27
2K
thefool replied
I think my girlfriend is cheating on me , should i just break up with her ?
2 3 4 5 6
270
4K
ConkerTheSquirrel. replied
Top Bottom