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My girlfriend has feelings for another guy
- Thread starter sadceph2001
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Like others have said OP take at least a day or two to step back from it all and properly think about it. But again like others have said, she's trying to place the blame on you and is then trying to get you to pity her at the same time which sounds a little manipulative. Her saying that "you" should be the one to work on it is doing it again and her claiming complete innocence here too. Not sure I would agree with you thinking that she's already been intimate with the guy but I guess I don't know, but I think you need to be firm here and tell her that she's the one that needs to work on it and decide whether these feelings mean something significant to her or not, but it sounds clear to me that they do and she knows it, hence her defensive attitude when you gave her the answer she didn't expect because she wanted you to play along and let her go with it until she dropped you when she was sure of what would happen.
It's kinda hard to judge an emotional reaction when you only have a written description. How she reacted may be just how OP perceived it but given he was emotional at the time, I'm not sure how much of that I can trust.
ThankYouDaletech
Banned
I guess I'm Abe Simpson yelling at a cloud but having a long distance skype relationship only seems slightly less depressing that being in a relationship with an anime body pillow.
I've gone ahead and underlined all things that are facts that you have presented as facts, then I have used italics on all things you present as facts, that are merely your opinion, but they're either wrong or presented as facts.
See the disparity? You talk so adamantly about things that you present as facts that aren't. About the lack of talk about what happens if you don't act on the feelings, I've already accounted for that, but I don't mind reiterating. Proper relationships are based on good communication and trust. Her talking about her having feelings for someone else, but saying she still wants to be with you, means exactly that, due to it being trust and communication. If that's how she feels, she needs to figure out what those feelings mean. If in the meantime she figures that those feelings mean she'd rather be with this other person, then that will suck, but it'll be honest, and you can move on. Breaking up with her because she MIGHT find the feelings for this other guy are more worth it are so categorical it'll likely ruin any relationship those ideas reach. If it's so important for you to conserve yourself that you need to break up with anyone that you think can hurt you, then you prematurely and pre-emptively. It's not how I would want to treat my girlfriend, but if you feel you are that more important than your girlfriend, which I wouldn't judge, then it makes more sense. However, it's not something that should be categorically imposed onto others. You're saying it's fact that it's over because you feel OP shouldn't try.
And this is sort of the jist of the problem. It's "either or" with you. Either you 'pretend it's normal and be a clown' or 'you get out and look out for yourself'. I object to that, since it isn't "either or", and any girlfriend should be worth the time of day to not dump them the moment things are at all problematic.
shanshan310
Member
Well that's just downright insulting. I don't think you know what you're talking about.
Hydranockz
Member
Yeah, pretty apt description of yourself there.
Physical proximity isn't required for intimacy, Skype is a wonderful device that allows you to be with someone over distance.
ThankYouDaletech
Banned
Sorry forgot it's 2015 and someone watching you rub one out counts as intimacy now. I have to get in my Model A and go to work I'll post at you fine folks later.
She explicitly stated she hasn't lost feeling for OP (or hadn't at the time of the thread being made).
We can feel things for multiple people, that's perfectly normal.
Why is it insulting?
Miles Quaritch
Member
Ah, now we get to the part where I'm supposedly projected.
Sure, I'm projecting. Whatever makes you feel happy about your naive and ridiculous position.
Not much room to misinterpret her saying how disgusting she is by just the mere suggestion she may have cheated.
I've been asked before if I've cheated with a close friend of mine who I'm really close to, I wasn't disgusted by the question nor was I angered or upset by it. I didn't overreact. I merely stated I hadn't and left it there.
Language matters. Her saying she's disgusting could be a genuine example of her projecting her feelings about herself and her actions.
Because it's that posters current life and relationship status.
You know you just said "I know you are, but what am I", right?
Yes, it could. However, you throwing around generalizations is far from proof. Also, you're still presenting your own assertion as fact.
Whether the development of feelings is okay depends on the kind of people you are. You know that better than anyone else on the forum.
Do you expect physical monogamy? Emotional monogamy? Have you communicated that? It seems from the way you phrased the OP you expect emotional monogamy at least and that's pretty pretty standard.
Ultimately, she told you for a reason and it is up to her to explain why. People can find other people attractive regardless of relationships, but generally dont act on them, making them utterly unworthy of remark. So the question is why she wanted to tell you? To spur you to act differently? To signal desire to break up? To simply talk about her day? If the last one, that's obnoxious at the very least.
It is really up to her to explain herself.
Do you expect physical monogamy? Emotional monogamy? Have you communicated that? It seems from the way you phrased the OP you expect emotional monogamy at least and that's pretty pretty standard.
Ultimately, she told you for a reason and it is up to her to explain why. People can find other people attractive regardless of relationships, but generally dont act on them, making them utterly unworthy of remark. So the question is why she wanted to tell you? To spur you to act differently? To signal desire to break up? To simply talk about her day? If the last one, that's obnoxious at the very least.
It is really up to her to explain herself.
RoninChaos
Member
Some women love to have options and love that kind of attention. Have some self respect and follow through on your ultimatum. You're worth more than this and you should act accordingly if she wants to fuck around with another dude because you aren't around.
lmao this could work.
You have the same information as everyone else, which is nowhere near enough to make the absolute statements you're making.
You're projecting something.
You won't be able to make your point clear to him.
Notice how he chosed to ignore my previous post where i described what happened when I acted like that in a Relationship.
He is absolutely convinced that his way of doing things is the right way, and everyone who doesn't see this is naive.
You're wasting your time.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Because this isn't happening in a vacuum. We have countless examples of what the OP is going through where the partner will claim and claim and claim they didn't cheat only for it to eventually come out that they did and it usually comes out weeks/months later, after the person has decided to continue investing in the relationship, which makes the inevitable break up much harder.
And why do you object to someone looking out for themselves? Why should the OP allow him to treated like a doormat?
This isn't just something you can work through. She has feelings for someone else, she'll want to explore those feelings. Just as you can't help who you have feelings for, you also have a strong and undeniable desire/urge to explore those feelings or they lead to bitterness and resentment.
Why ignore this crucially important aspect in favour of telling the OP he should work through a relationship that's over?
Miles Quaritch
Member
I'm not sticking my head in the sand and pretending her actions and responses to generally innocent questions don't mean what they clearly do.
Some people are so blinded by their desire to see the OP work on his relationship and give his partner the benefit of the doubt, they are happy to see him treated like a doormat/clown.
BronsonLee
Member
It's for the best what you did, OP. Best to have a clean break.
Shotgun Kiss
Member
My girlfriend once told me that she was at a party where she learned from some friends that a guy there was interested in her, and she was also attracted to him. She told me because she felt a bit guilty, plus she's also one of those 100% open types. I wasn't bothered in the least, as it's not like anything happened, and he was a total stranger.
That said, there's a difference between being attracted to somebody you just met and "having feelings" for somebody you see regularly. And if there was nothing to worry about, then telling OP while they were separated by a large distance is fucking stupid, as that's bound to cause concern. Even I'd be concerned, and I'm incredibly lax when it comes to my girlfriend's history with other guys.
That said, there's a difference between being attracted to somebody you just met and "having feelings" for somebody you see regularly. And if there was nothing to worry about, then telling OP while they were separated by a large distance is fucking stupid, as that's bound to cause concern. Even I'd be concerned, and I'm incredibly lax when it comes to my girlfriend's history with other guys.
Miles Quaritch
Member
I thought I had replied.
I'll do so now.
So you've had multiple girlfriends would tell you they had suddenly had feelings again for someone they used to have feelings for before but you shouldn't worry because it doesn't mean anything and they still love you?
You being over-sensitive to your partners saying they find someone cute or they think that guy was nice isn't comparable to this situation.
Future PhaZe
Member
When you lay your cards on the table, the person across from you has to make a play. If she didn't think it was worth bothering the OP over she should have kept it to herself and reconciled those feelings.
In our society, voicing a thing gives it rank and import. If you voice literally every honest thought you have to the people around you, chances are you won't have many friends. We're imperfect by nature, prone to jealous and callous thoughts, but it's how we parse and filter these things that shows control and character.
That's exactly what generalization is. That's why it's an ugly way of making an assumption, and further ugly of presenting it as proof.
I explicitly state that I don't. It's just a poor way to treat a girlfriend.
Again, you're using your generalizations as foundation for your shit. He would be a doormat if she had cheated on him. it's not proven, but it is your axiom that it has. That's what I'm arguing against. Are you really unable to see that, because I've said that to you at least ten times, now.
Holy shit, you're just piling assumption on top of assumption. Having feelings for does not mean you'd act on them. Again, check the OP. You're purposefully being thick. You're basically a troll at this point. It says right there that it doesn't change how she feels about OP. Feelings don't mean they'll end up cheating. You're shitty for assuming it is, then using that as your basis.
I had to take a deep breath, now. You're purposefully dodging all accusations coming your way, and hand-waving them with crap like this. I'm not ignoring anything crucial, but again, you're saying "here's a fact", that's really your opinion, then you're saying "WHY WOULDN'T YOU CONSIDER THAT FACT??" when it's far from a fact.
Miles Quaritch
Member
So you're position is basically until I see her being pounded by the guy, it's not cheating.
It doesn't matter that we have countless examples of how this situation plays out, you refuse to accept the likelihood of her having cheated because you don't have undeniable proof of the act.
Ridiculous.
And now you'll undoubtedly throw out some BS argument about how do you try a criminal without incontrovertible evidence and that the same should apply to this relationship.
Milly Osworth
Member
This thread is once again proof that asking for relationship advice online to strangers is pointless.
Look up "reducto ad absurdum". I'm telling you you're making an assumption, and that presenting that as proof is wrong. You cannot know if she's cheated, so stop thinking you can.
ginger ninja
Banned
generic helpful comment the OP is likely not to follow through with.
OT but where does the fun start in this thread and how do get in on it ? is there a mandrake summary available
And_Gignac
Member
Insulting towards pillow wifus, of course.
dreamcastmaster
Banned
Thats a guilty reaction to do that. Mock outrage. You touched a nerve and just gave herself away.
Miles Quaritch
Member
I don't need to. Experience of past similar stories and her reaction to an innocent enough question is informing my opinion and that opinion is more right than wrong.
But by all means continue to hope and pray you're right. Hope against hope that she hasn't cheated, that the OP can salvage the relationship and live a happy and fulfilling life with his partner.
If I was accused of cheating without having done it, I'd be pissed off too.
Nail on the head. Holy shit, why is everyone arguing this other bullshit when this post pretty much covers it all. All the people that think OP is being too mean to his GF are too focused on what she said but not WHY she said it.
Chuckie
Member
Either that or she is truly pissed off. I know I would be if someone accused me of cheating while I didn't.
Catatafish
Banned
Well done OP, you have done good!
Do not dwell on it too much, move on. Start watching TV shows, go to the movies with friends, go out for walks and meet new people.
Edit: woop, just saw the new developments, I guess everything in my post originally (spoilered below) is moot.
It's worth meeting her face to face imo, and talking about it. People are flawed, people make mistakes. Whether she cheated or not, whether it's a passing feeling for this other guy or not. There are still possibilities at this point – in a year you might be together and happy, simultaneously in a year it might have transpired that she cheated and it's not worth it.
A face to face meeting is a good idea in any case I think. Telecommunications seriously make everything worse in relationships. Seriously.
That does change things imo. Long-distance relationships only really work if there's an end-date on the 'lond-distance' aspect, so in this case, if you know for certain you'll probably be living together from a certain date, you'll be okay.
It also does help that you'll get a lot of face time in September and November.
Best of luck with it, but please try to detach yourself a little from the whole scenario. This is something I've learnt through several failed relationships (failure due to personal differences, failure due to one person moving, etc).
Basically try to have very low expectations and always temper your attachment. Let yourself go occasionally and become enamoured with them, but generally try to keep your head screwed on and think about the mundane reality of breaking up. It'll be sad, but if you keep a healthy mentality and keep moving on, you can find someone else in no time, who is probably just as great or 'better'.
It also does help that you'll get a lot of face time in September and November.
Best of luck with it, but please try to detach yourself a little from the whole scenario. This is something I've learnt through several failed relationships (failure due to personal differences, failure due to one person moving, etc).
Basically try to have very low expectations and always temper your attachment. Let yourself go occasionally and become enamoured with them, but generally try to keep your head screwed on and think about the mundane reality of breaking up. It'll be sad, but if you keep a healthy mentality and keep moving on, you can find someone else in no time, who is probably just as great or 'better'.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Even after you just confessed you have feelings for someone else?
It's not an expected question in that situation?
Chuckie
Member
It's not the question, it is the 'not believing' I think.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Even then, why would anyone be disgusted that they aren't believed?
Experience and knowledge of how similar situations have played out informs such a response.
Chuckie
Member
It makes more sense to me to be disgusted that you are not believed when you haven't cheated than to be disgusted that you are not believed when you have cheated.
RoninChaos
Member
People arguing that what she did doesn't mean anything are a bit crazy. If it was just an infatuation then she would deal with it and not tell the OP. She told him for a reason. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
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