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My girlfriend has feelings for another guy
- Thread starter sadceph2001
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It's a matter of respect, not insecurity.
Forearm Star
Member
Hey OP as someone who was once in the females position in your story i'd say bail out now.
I put someone through hell being in this same situation and it isn't fair. You guys decided to work and build something together. It isn't right for her to just up and develop feelings for someone else. If she isn't willing to put them aside for you now, she probably won't. She isn't out right physically cheating but she's emotionally doing it. That dudes there to fill a void be it just good company in the beginning or whatever. The thing is it's getting further and she's outright telling you it is. If she's not going to nip it in the butt, then save yourself the trouble.
If she wouldn't be okay with you doing it, bail.
If she says if you were in her position she wouldn't mind it, bail.
The only answer here is the respectful one..
I put someone through hell being in this same situation and it isn't fair. You guys decided to work and build something together. It isn't right for her to just up and develop feelings for someone else. If she isn't willing to put them aside for you now, she probably won't. She isn't out right physically cheating but she's emotionally doing it. That dudes there to fill a void be it just good company in the beginning or whatever. The thing is it's getting further and she's outright telling you it is. If she's not going to nip it in the butt, then save yourself the trouble.
If she wouldn't be okay with you doing it, bail.
If she says if you were in her position she wouldn't mind it, bail.
The only answer here is the respectful one..
Great post.
Here's to you, OP! You probably dodged a big bullet down the line. Take solace in this, get your chin up, and press on with all the great, crazy things that exist in life.
MatrixMan.EXE
Member
Zakalwe, be serious now. Girl is in long distance relationship with guy, and starts falling for another guy. She tells her boyfriend, not long after threatening to breaking up with him, and when the boyfriend asks her to try and distance herself from the guy she is catching feelings for so that it doesn't progress further into physical contact (if it hasn't already happened), she refuses.
How is it a situation of the boyfriends insecurity more so than the girlfriend's complete lack of respect for their relationship or her boyfriends feelings?
How is it a situation of the boyfriends insecurity more so than the girlfriend's complete lack of respect for their relationship or her boyfriends feelings?
I think the only debatable bit is 'starts falling for' another guy. It was more 'she had feelings for', which could mean anything. Could be a minor crush. Could be infatuation. Who knows.
Aside from that, looks like a decent, if tragic, analysis.
John Kowalski
Banned
It's perfectly normal to reject an order one feels is completely out of bounds regardless of where it comes from. Authority is something most people will immediately reject if they feel is it undeserved of too far-reaching. If i were in her position, i'd sure value more my friends than my girlfriend's or boyfriend's fearful cry for control.
Yeah, except this isn't about "just a friend."
MatrixMan.EXE
Member
Aye, the sad truth. But it is what it is. I feel sorry for OP but he's doing the right thing. Allowing things to go unchecked would have just lead to even worse heart break down the road so he's saved himself a lot of agony by giving her the chop now.
Again, it's not a situation of 'control'. You're completely missing the context of the situation. Common sense dictates that if you're in a monogamous relationship, one that you're serious about and respect, you'd do anything you could to do stop feelings for another person dead in their tracks. The fact she didn't automatically think to do this herself is alarming enough, but the fact that when OP asked her to distance herself is even worse. This isn't just some guy she's hanging around with that he asked her to stop hanging around with. It's a guy she's openly admitted to having growing feelings for.
It's not about control. It's about compromise to make things work. It's what you do in a mature relationship. Is OP supposed to just sit there an accept the situation and allow her feelings for the guy to grow further? Because she clearly had no intention of not allowing that to happen.
Josh with a J
Member
I've slept on it
You did the right thing and just find another girl, no biggie
You did the right thing and just find another girl, no biggie
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
Her telling him it's impractical to completely avoid seeing the other guy is an absolutely valid thing to say, but what steps was she taking to make sure those feelings weren't going to continue to blossom?
From the info given, she really didn't outline any specific actions she was going to take to nip her growing feelings in the bud. If you have feelings for someone and you actually want those feelings to stop, not changing any of your behaviors involving The other person and expecting those feelings to go away is pretty crazy.
It's all about setting boundaries, and from what I read, it just doesn't appear she was willing to ammend the boundaries between her and the new guy to protect herself and her current relationship.
VincentMatts
Member
OP listen, ive been in a shitty situation not too long ago. This girl meant a lot to me. I cherished her just like you do her. But at the end of the day, no matter what everyone tells you here, you need to do what you feel is right. At one point or another, if it turns to shit or whatever else, you'll learn your lesson. One way or another.
People told me to move on, shes using you, shes no good, maybe she was maybe she wasnt but i needed to see it through and didnt want any regrets. Its all stuff that are easy to say when you're not the one in the situation. It obviously didn't work out for me and it really really hurt but i can tell you that i dont regret giving my everything, even if it failed. And i feel like that chapter is behind me now.
Do what you need to do so that you can move on, once and for all.
Edit: Sometimes going through shitty situations makes us understand why we dont want to be in them anymore. You might benefit from learning that lesson.
You remember what site you're on right?
LucidMomentum
Member
This was a mistake; for all we know, she didn't act at all on her feelings and decided first to come to you, in good faith. You're right to have mixed feelings and it's natural to have suspicions, but throwing out accusations isn't the way to go.
It's good that you're ending it. It's not really about blame, so I wouldn't worry about being the "wrong" party or whatever else she tries to throw at you; it's just noise. The facts are plain: you aren't comfortable with with things as they are, and nothing's going to change those feelings. That's what matters here.
Don't meet her unless you have to. Tough it out for the time being, focus on yourself. You're talking maybe 2 months of feeling lonely versus you agonizing over whether or not she's fucking this dude whenever she's abroad for however long it takes for all of it to go south. Be proactive, take the pain, get over it, then look for someone who else who's less than a half-hour drive away.
Eh, unfortunately this is true. We can be our own worst enemies.
I totally fell hard for a girl and tried to make it work for years when everyone else told me it would end badly. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was a lesson that took me years to learn.
They had another back and forth.
Admiral Woofington
Member
All I've seen extra is the girl unblocked him from Facebook and is now trying to guilt trip him back saying that she thought he'd try to work it out instead of breaking it off. She says she needs him and aside from that OP hasn't said anything as far as I can see. More than likely he's making up with her unless I missed something.
Really good advice in this post.
Much of the terrible advice here is from posters who are inexperienced, who often argue semantics and will try to save any and all relationships, when its evident that breaking it off is the best course for the long term. They are ready to excuse and pardon everything and standards and expectations are branded as somehow wanting to control someone. Its bizarre world.
Next time, and there will be a next time, because the chances of this relationship working out are slim, you will be more attentive to certain red flags, that you often wont be when you are young.
I posted earlier in the thread, went through the exact same scenario as the OP many years ago and decided to fight for the relationship. We've been together for 20+ years. You speak about experience, well, the thing about that is everyone's experiences are going to be different. Doesn't mean one is superior to the other.
Cutting the cord isn't the only solution in these scenarios. For what it's worth, OP's girl sounds like she wants things to work. I wish OP the best of luck, whichever path he chooses.
usernamechange
Member
She wants things to work- by blocking him, sending him dramatic messages, unblocking him to send more, and then blaming him for the situation? What the hell kind of person works things out like that? She doesn't sound like she wants to work things out based on OPs posts, she sounds like she's pissed that she's not getting cake and eating it too.
Weird how this thread exponentially grew overnight.
After going through what you've said, I feel like you two need to sit down and talk. No amount of messaging and Facebook messages will be able to conclude this. You guys need to face each other and explain. You are understandably wounded; she told you she has feelings for another person. On her part, that's very honest of her, but then again, she has feelings for someone else! You're going to feel a lack of resolution unless you two do this. If the distance is really that large, perhaps a phone call or some kind of video session would suffice?
I can't tell you how much the relationship is worth to you, you're the only one that knows this. I would assume that she does as well. If there is some way you two can make it work, it's going to require extraordinary effort from both of you.
After going through what you've said, I feel like you two need to sit down and talk. No amount of messaging and Facebook messages will be able to conclude this. You guys need to face each other and explain. You are understandably wounded; she told you she has feelings for another person. On her part, that's very honest of her, but then again, she has feelings for someone else! You're going to feel a lack of resolution unless you two do this. If the distance is really that large, perhaps a phone call or some kind of video session would suffice?
I can't tell you how much the relationship is worth to you, you're the only one that knows this. I would assume that she does as well. If there is some way you two can make it work, it's going to require extraordinary effort from both of you.
You'd be surprised how much people can interpret into OP saying his ex was disgusted with no further information added.
I haven't followed the thread religiously, just saw the OP and then the update today suggesting she had wanted to work things out.
I know someone in a similar situation, where the woman actually cheated and got caught. The husband gave her a chance to stop the affair and repair their relationship if she could promise it was over, and her response was that she couldn't make that promise.
That's when it's over, in my eyes.
Great post, sums up my feelings very well.
uncelestial
Member
Not really. I've seen that boundary set over inappropriate relationships, drinking, drug use, not having a job, and not taking school seriously. I don't really care what nuance you find between these two concepts -- they both mean that a relationship ends if a behavior doesn't stop.
Why are you quoting an irrelevant part of your post? That doesn't even have the "stark unwillingness to ignore" line.
Because ultimatums are not a bad thing in and of themselves. A frivolous ultimatum that is digging in one's heel against something harmless is certainly being overly controlling. But in serious situations where someone really has a foot out the door if something doesn't get resolved? The ultimatum is really a chance at resolving instead of just walking out. Does it always work? No, in fact it usually doesn't. It's hard to change people. But sometimes it does, and it's actually throwing the relationship a lifeline if you vocalize what your problem is and why you're about to leave and give them a chance to fix it. I was in a relationship with a girl who got verbally abusive when she was upset and over 2 years that finally wore me down enough where I put my foot down. We ultimately broke up 2 years later, but the shock of me threatening to leave helped her set her life on a better course and we're still friends now -- she went to counseling, read a lot of books on anger and anxiety, started yoga/meditation, and addressed some very deep seated issues with her awful childhood. She's in a much better place, and we both have hot new significant others that we're super happy with.
I understand the view that human beings are like floating asteroids that you can't really effect or control, just decide to have in your orbit or not. But they are much more active than that and their behavior can affect your life, and you have a third option which is to see if they aren't willing to change that behavior before you leave. The word "ultimatum" is scary, and it's a nuclear option, but it is fucked up to pretend that just cutting people out without even trying to address things is "morally" better.
It was very telling when the OP's girlfriend rejected the ultimatum. It's her right to reject it, she's not doing anything wrong -- but it did show what she valued more in her life in that time. She wasn't taking his needs as seriously as her desire not to "look like a bitch" to friends. Being older than him (36), I know plenty of people who are ready to commit to their relationships very much and would never value barely disturbing their social circle over having a special person in their life. OP wants to be with someone like that.
These threads always go on longer than they need to, first post should have been "Dump her ass and get someone local, like she has the sense to do" and then it could have been locked...
but no it drones on and on and on, never going anyplace reasonable or decent.
Let it die already.
but no it drones on and on and on, never going anyplace reasonable or decent.
Let it die already.
The thread and the "relationship"
Before we say that it was a mistake for the OP to break up with this girl, let's think about what means to say it's a mistake. It means you're saying he's better off with her than without her. Even if she did nothing wrong and has no intention of cheating, he's looking at a long distance relationship where the girl isn't loyal enough for what he's comfortable with. Everyone has different expectations of loyalty, but clearly she doesn't fit what he's looking for. Who is "right" or "wrong" about it depends on what you expect loyalty-wise, but what is clear is that this girl isn't loyal enough for what he wants in a girlfriend.
-ImaginaryInsider
Member
This is reasonable advice, but completely ignores the insane desperation and emotional insanity this proposed conversation will operate under. This should have happened at the point he was going to breakup with her, not after.
The bridge is burning, give it time to stop smoldering, any decisions made now are likely going to be extra dumb on both their parts.
GungHo
Single-handedly caused Exxon-Mobil to sue FOX, start World War 3
Cheater Tactics 101. Make yourself look like the victim and the person who is actually the victim look like a perpetrator to confuse and evade to either stall admission indefinitely or admit at a time of your own choosing once you've made up your mind that you don't need a fall back position and you can cut the cord with minimal loss.
Some folks just do this, and it's not just around relationships. I wish it was a conscious activity that people actually recognized they were doing, because then at least those who do this would understand what they're doing, but this is an instinctive level of emotional jujitsu that some folks just do to not get in trouble until they're ready to be in trouble, but they don't know why they do it or when they do it. They did it when they were kids taking cookies out of a jar or "forgetting" their report card and they continue to do it when they're adults putting things where they don't belong or running up credit card bills. There's not really any calculation involved. It just happens, and it will keep happening. Sometimes people see the light when enough people they actually like tell them "no" that they realize that they really can't get away with it unscathed. Or, they just go one from bad relationship to another and end up bitter old people.
I don't think you'll get a straight answer until you push it to the point where you're both so angry you won't want to continue anyway. You're not with her and you don't share any assets now, so you don't have to deal with her any longer if you don't want to. I can't tell you what to do with your life. I wouldn't stick around, myself. Good luck either way.
The bottom line is that this is why the relationship was doomed as soon as she confessed her feelings for someone else. The other dude has the attraction and proximity and you lack proximity. Even if she's faithful and honest, you'll have the nagging worry either way. Those circumstances are going to be awfully tough to deal with, especially if both of you aren't extremely understanding. That single reaction that she had to your concern about it tells you all you need to know. She wants to have a relationship with you, while maintaining a friendship+ with this dude she'll see all the time. AND she wants to do all of this without you having any feelings of mistrust, lest it be your fault.
I also can't believe all of this is happening over text and FB chat or whatever. This is stuff people should talk about, in person if possible but on the phone if not.
Great point. Heads are certainly too hot right now, they definitely need some space. If the OP can communicate this well, and hopefully, the girlfriend is in accordance, perhaps a meeting can be arranged.
I'd advise against pushing for some reconciliation at the moment. It looks like you've accused her of doing more than she let you know, and she is understandably upset over such accusations. This advice may feel like simply to "give it time," but it may do wonders.
Messofanego
Banned
My head hurts.
John Kowalski
Banned
Sorry for the late response. It is about control, if it wasn't there would have been no ultimatums, no demands. i fail to see how the OP's request is diplomatic in any sense. The relationship was probably fubar before he knew about it but it's fairly dumb to think that demanding that she let of of all contact with the dude would actually work, or, if such were the case, improve the relationship.
OP should have broken up with her, as he seems to have already, that's not the point i was trying to make. He should have broken up with her because, well, things were probably going to go bad anyway considering the success rate of LDRs. But behaving as he did was fair reason for her to break up with him too.
Kinda late to make this point but whatevs.
Souldestroyer Reborn
Banned
Fucking hell is this thread the International White Knights meet up?
OP you done the right thing.
Lettuce be cereal for a moment.
Taking all of the info into account your ex most probably had her brains smashed out by this dude. If not she sure as hell thought about it happening.
If I for some stupid fucking reason decided to tell my gf that I was hanging around with some chick that I used to have a crush on and now those feelings have rekindled (which means I'm down to go to town on this chick if the opportunity arises) then you'd bet your ass I'd be expecting my gf to flip her shit big time and vice versa.
At the end of the day a relationship is a two way thing where certain boundaries are put in place. She crossed those and you have her an option.
She chose the other dude.
You chose someone better.
Reply to this thread in 1-2years time and I bet you'll be happier with your new gf than you ever were with this one.
OP you done the right thing.
Lettuce be cereal for a moment.
Taking all of the info into account your ex most probably had her brains smashed out by this dude. If not she sure as hell thought about it happening.
If I for some stupid fucking reason decided to tell my gf that I was hanging around with some chick that I used to have a crush on and now those feelings have rekindled (which means I'm down to go to town on this chick if the opportunity arises) then you'd bet your ass I'd be expecting my gf to flip her shit big time and vice versa.
At the end of the day a relationship is a two way thing where certain boundaries are put in place. She crossed those and you have her an option.
She chose the other dude.
You chose someone better.
Reply to this thread in 1-2years time and I bet you'll be happier with your new gf than you ever were with this one.
IMO she is sleeping with this guy and doesn't have the ball to chop yours off, run man don't look back.
Gaf sounds like a lot of super insecure people...
I was the girl in this situation about a year ago. For reference, I've been in a LDR with my bf for 3 years now (he lives in Belgium, I live in the US). About a year ago I developed feelings for a male friend of mine, but I realized that I loved my bf more than I enjoyed the company of this male friend. We are still together and I am still friends with the guy. No cheating has happened, and I will be marrying my bf and moving to Belgium within the next few years.
Sometimes feelings are just feelings, not actions.
I was the girl in this situation about a year ago. For reference, I've been in a LDR with my bf for 3 years now (he lives in Belgium, I live in the US). About a year ago I developed feelings for a male friend of mine, but I realized that I loved my bf more than I enjoyed the company of this male friend. We are still together and I am still friends with the guy. No cheating has happened, and I will be marrying my bf and moving to Belgium within the next few years.
Sometimes feelings are just feelings, not actions.
Milly Osworth
Member
Well someone posted a poll that more than half of GAF is single. Probably just lack of experience.
And this is the difference between your situation and the OP's.
VincentMatts
Member
And did your BF ever find out you had feelings for this guy while he was in Belgium? Or did you just not say anything.
uncelestial
Member
I'll give you a minute to see if you can spot the difference between your situation and the OP.
I think the important part is: Did you tell your bf? In case you did, how did you bring it up?
I've been feeling some sort of interest in others during relationships before (but never in my current one) and just always let it pass since I didn't want to act on it and it was basically just "oh that guy/girl is different and cool" and it passed really quickly when I "got used to" the person. I never told anyone since I didn't want to act on it or care about it myself... so why should other people have to?
Did you threaten to break up with your boyfriend at this time? Serious question.
sui generis
Banned
Bye.
That's all I would say to her.
That's all I would say to her.
entremet
Member
Not really comparable if you didn't tell your BF and threaten to breakup.
Forearm Star
Member
I'm starting to love RelationshipGAF...
I'm smitten by you, you hear me.. You come in here with those big doe eyes. Don't you ever leave
I'm smitten by you, you hear me.. You come in here with those big doe eyes. Don't you ever leave
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