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My life is..not real anymore..

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not a damn thing wrong with looking for the joy instead of the pain and laughing. Or laughing so hard you cry, or really crying over some stuff because its real, and then finding something that brings real laughter too. Being on this earth brings all of that and more. I think its the things that matter to you, that make life real.

I've been spending years getting rid of the things that personally matter to me, I think ultimately to make myself an un-person, to whatever end. I don't know if I want to do that anymore.

edit: and who the fuck is James Corden?
 
Gordon Shumway said:
I've been holding this for months. It was implied that Biden wasn't sincere during his interview yesterday because he dared to smile/joke. He made me feel so bad that I made this thread.

I'm so sorry, lordxar. It's all just too much..
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Just remember that our loved ones that have passed wouldn't have wanted us to suffer forever. You are allowed to laugh, and smile, and cry, and all the other things you do.

I can't believe someone would say that, that's awful.
 
I can't imagine what you're going through, but I see you around here and you're a pretty cool guy, these people on here really seem to like you, you make them happy and to me that's very real.
 
I can't imagine what you're going through man. I'm so sorry for your loss.Please take care of yourself and your in my thoughts and prayers.
 
oneils said:
Thanks. Didn't know that. Did his grief make you feel bad because it reminded you of your own grief? If so, I'm so sorry.
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It was exactly it. There was no way that I'd know that Biden was going to just talk about his son the entirety of the interview. I'm not mad at all..unfortunately, I couldn't even go to bed afterwards. It was just too painful.
Mimosa97 said:
Gordon you're one of my favorite posters on this site and I had no idea what you were going through. I'm terribly sorry for your loss man.
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Thank you..
Slayven said:
Gordon you one of the few people I look forward to seeing everyday
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Love you, old man..thanks for all of your help.
Gaz_RB said:
This thread is so sad :(

I love you guys, can't imagine what you're going through. I don't feel in a position to even try to offer advice.
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I'm very sorry. I turret to be light hearted everyday..I've been doing this shit for years. I just could keep faking it anymore. For that, I apologize. More to my wife, who had no idea that I was such an idiot, and put our shit out there like I did..
akira28 said:
not a damn thing wrong with looking for the joy instead of the pain and laughing. Or laughing so hard you cry, or really crying over some stuff because its real, and then finding something that brings real laughter too. Being on this earth brings all of that and more. I think its the things that matter to you, that make life real.

I've been spending years getting rid of the things that personally matter to me, I think ultimately to make myself an un-person, to whatever end. I don't know if I want to do that anymore.
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In all seriousness, you remain my favorite cat..
lordxar said:
It is a lot to take in. Just don't fall into alcohol or anything like that as tempting as it may be. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Just do this one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
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I'm going to need help with THAT one..I've gained 35 pounds since. It's definitely a new struggle..
Fiction said:
Just remember that our loved ones that have passed wouldn't have wanted us to suffer forever. You are allowed to laugh, and smile, and cry, and all the other things you do.

I can't believe someone would say that, that's awful.
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You are nothing but right, as always. Thank you, Fiction..
 
Gordon Shumway said:
I've been holding this for months. It was implied that Biden wasn't sincere during his interview yesterday because he dared to smile/joke. He made me feel so bad that I made this thread.
Click to expand...

Oh, that guy. Fuck him, he doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm so sorry for your loss and please know not everyone feels the same as that asshat in that thread. You gotta deal with it anyway you can, and it is nobody's place to judge or shit on a grieving person for how they handle their grief. Do whatever you gotta do.
 
lordxar said:
It is a lot to take in. Just don't fall into alcohol or anything like that as tempting as it may be. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Just do this one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Click to expand...

Listen to this person. I have made the mistake of falling into drinking after bad events, and its a hole that's hard to get out of. Once you start you start turning to it for everything.
 
I'm so sorry to hear that. I won't pretend to know what you must feel like, because I certainly don't.

I could suggest that you try to exercise, and eat healthfully, because it can help you feel better, and stronger, especially in such tough times. Journaling, and writing down your feelings, as well as expressing yourself through a creative outlet could possibly help as well. Its ok to feel and process your feelings. Additionally, as others have said, try to avoid falling into any destructive habits.

I've also found that trying to help others who are hurting, when you're hurting to bad, can help as well.

These are only my suggestions. You, and everyone else in this thread who has suffered such a tremendous loss have my deepest condolences, and I'm in tears here.

Your son mattered, regardless of however long he was in this world, and I'm sure you both knew the joy of having each other in your lives. A part of him will always be with you.

I know you don't know me either, but my PM box is always open.
 
Im not good with these things. My condolences.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk about anything, random shit.
 
It pains me to see a cool dude like you go through this man.

I'm sorry and I truly hope you'll find peace one day.
 
Gordon Shumway said:
Or rather, it doesn't feel real. My son died. This was a couple of months ago. Don't want to get deep into it. Unfortunately, the internet can be cruel, and I don't want to add much more. Hopefully, Besada can just say "yes" and we can get past the "go ly dow" aspect of all of this.

I'm sitting in my living room, dealing with 9/10, 9/11..It sucks. I'm laughing at that 9/23 thread..YES! My birthday! It only makes sense!

Anyone else tired of crying? Whatever the reason? Colbert's old/new format? That horrible dude after him? Biden and his faking ass self? Star Wars Episodes 1-3? I'm so tired..sorry for the rant-ish bullshit..

https://youtu.be/-g6UeOOCD8o
Click to expand...

9/23 is my birthday too
9/11 was my brother's birthday, who killed himself last year

I know how you feel, bro
*hugs*
 
Damn man I'm sorry to hear that. I've had some family members really close to me for fairly recently so I know how it feels.

I hope you can find peace.
 
I understand you, my work sometimes require me to help people cope with loses like yours. It's never easy to go through a grief more so a grief of a lost child. But one thing I notice on almost every person going through that process is investing on a coping strategy of "forgetting" the loved one, that is not the way, because you'll never be able to forget him. You have to remember him, it's hard, it's painful but it's the way forward, one day eventually you will be able to remember your son and smile about the good moments you lived with him. Stay Strong.
 
Slayven said:
Gordon you one of the few people I look forward to seeing everyday
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Ditto, you furry bastard.

Had no idea you were going through something like this, stay engaged, man and keep talking. Gaffers are here either in OT, pm or whatever. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Tugatrix said:
I understand you, my work sometimes require me to help people cope with loses like yours. It's never easy to go through a grief more so a grief of a lost child. But one thing I notice on almost every person going through that process is investing on a coping strategy of "forgetting" the loved one, that is not the way, because you'll never be able to forget him. You have to remember him, it's hard, it's painful but it's the way forward, one day eventually you will be able to remember your son and smile about the good moments you lived with him. Stay Strong.
Click to expand...
Trust me one thing for certain is we will never forget.
 
As a fellow father, I can only say that my heart goes out to you immeasurably. I can't even fathom what that must be like. I do hope I never find out.
 
Damn, I hope you can find your way through this given some time. Few things on this forum evoke an emotional reaction from me but this is heartbreaking and you have my sincerest condolences.
 
Gordon Shumway said:
I'm very sorry. I turret to be light hearted everyday..I've been doing this shit for years. I just could keep faking it anymore. For that, I apologize. More to my wife, who had no idea that I was such an idiot, and put our shit out there like I did..
Click to expand...

Wow you don't have apologize to me or anyone else man for expressing how you feel. You don't have to put up a front or act happy or hide what you're feeling. I was just expressing how hard it is for me to even fathom what you're going through-- I've never been through anything even close to that.

So say what you feel man, we're all here for you as best we can be.
 
Sorry man, I can't even imagine to comprehend what you are going through. I remember seeing the pic of the syrian boy that washed up ashore and I all I could see was my son. I can't even imagine living through something like that.

No parent should have to bury their kid. I hope you can find some peace eventually.
 
Gordon Shumway said:
Or rather, it doesn't feel real. My son died. This was a couple of months ago. Don't want to get deep into it. Unfortunately, the internet can be cruel, and I don't want to add much more. Hopefully, Besada can just say "yes" and we can get past the "go ly dow" aspect of all of this.

I'm sitting in my living room, dealing with 9/10, 9/11..It sucks. I'm laughing at that 9/23 thread..YES! My birthday! It only makes sense!

Anyone else tired of crying? Whatever the reason? Colbert's old/new format? That horrible dude after him? Biden and his faking ass self? Star Wars Episodes 1-3? I'm so tired..sorry for the rant-ish bullshit..

https://youtu.be/-g6UeOOCD8o
Click to expand...

I can understand your grief in a different sorta way. I lost a sibling suddenly (at an extremely young age) about 3 months ago. I was numb for a long time and still have moments when I am. I have to catch myself at moments when I some current event happens and I want to contact them and remember, "oh yeah, that's right..."

There is no loss like immediate family. Until this one, all the death I experienced in life was on the edges of my life, i.e. all my grandparents, uncles, aunts...but to lose a person I grew up with...I cried more in the first days that followed than I have in my entire life.

I wouldn't wish that kinda pain on anyone.
 
Damn, Gordon. I'm so sorry. You know there were a few posts that you made where it was obvious that you were going through something big, but you never ever crossed the line and blew up over anything. It's been said already but you really are one of those people that a lot of us actually log in and look forward to hearing from. You got a lot of support here.
 
I don't know exactly what you're feeling right now, but I'm hurting for you right now man. I hope you have good people in your life to help you continue on through this.
 
I'm really sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine...

I hope that you'll be able to achieve piece by finding solace in the good parts of your son's life and the time you had with him.
 
Secret Fawful said:
You gotta deal with it anyway you can, and it is nobody's place to judge or shit on a grieving person for how they handle their grief. Do whatever you gotta do.
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I know man..thank you.
Random_Stranger said:
Listen to this person. I have made the mistake of falling into drinking after bad events, and its a hole that's hard to get out of. Once you start you start turning to it for everything.
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It is my life goal. Believe me. I can't let this sink me..my girls need me..
ShadowsFell said:
I'm so sorry to hear that. I won't pretend to know what you must feel like, because I certainly don't.

I could suggest that you try to exercise, and eat healthfully, because it can help you feel better, and stronger, especially in such tough times. Journaling, and writing down your feelings, as well as expressing yourself through a creative outlet could possibly help as well. Its ok to feel and process your feelings. Additionally, as others have said, try to avoid falling into any destructive habits.

I've also found that trying to help others who are hurting, when you're hurting to bad, can help as well.

These are only my suggestions. You, and everyone else in this thread who has suffered such a tremendous loss have my deepest condolences, and I'm in tears here.

Your son mattered, regardless of however long he was in this world, and I'm sure you both knew the joy of having each other in your lives. A part of him will always be with you.

I know you don't know me either, but my PM box is always open.
Click to expand...
Thank you. Trust me. I cycled sooo much, it's crazy that I've basically stopped cold turkey..I'm working on it.
Az said:
Im not good with these things. My condolences.

Shoot me a PM if you want to talk about anything, random shit.
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Thank you.
Order said:
It pains me to see a cool dude like you go through this man.

I'm sorry and I truly hope you'll find peace one day.
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Thank you.
Bel Marduk said:
9/23 is my birthday too
9/11 was my brother's birthday, who killed himself last year

I know how you feel, bro
*hugs*
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Right back to you..fuck. I'm here if need. No joke..
Alligatorjandro said:
Damn man I'm sorry to hear that. I've had some family members really close to me for fairly recently so I know how it feels.

I hope you can find peace.
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Thanks, J..truly.
Tugatrix said:
I understand you, my work sometimes require me to help people cope with loses like yours. It's never easy to go through a grief more so a grief of a lost child. But one thing I notice on almost every person going through that process is investing on a coping strategy of "forgetting" the loved one, that is not the way, because you'll never be able to forget him. You have to remember him, it's hard, it's painful but it's the way forward, one day eventually you will be able to remember your son and smile about the good moments you lived with him. Stay Strong.
Click to expand...
I'm smiling now, man. He will remain my baby..thank you, Tugatrix.
Byakuya769 said:
Ditto, you furry bastard.

Had no idea you were going through something like this, stay engaged, man and keep talking. Gaffers are here either in OT, pm or whatever. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Click to expand...
Thank you, brother.
TheChewyWaffles said:
As a fellow father, I can only say that my heart goes out to you immeasurably. I can't even fathom what that must be like. I do hope I never find out.
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Likewise, my friend. If there is anything that my wife and I always ask..hug your children..
Trey said:
My condolences, and much love. Stay up, brother.
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Thank you, brother..
Narag said:
Damn, I hope you can find your way through this given some time. Few things on this forum evoke an emotional reaction from me but this is heartbreaking and you have my sincerest condolences.
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Thank you, and my apologize.
spindashing said:
For real. One of my favorites. I'm so sorry, Gordon. Wishing you the best.
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Thank you, brother..
Gaz_RB said:
Wow you don't have apologize to me or anyone else man for expressing how you feel. You don't have to put up a front or act happy or hide what you're feeling. I was just expressing how hard it is for me to even fathom what you're going through-- I've never been through anything even close to that.

So say what you feel man, we're all here for you as best we can be.
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I'll be honest, Gaz_RB..my life has been to entertain. I grew up with a bunch of
Cuban
fatherless bastards. My world was making people laugh. To have my friends come visit me..so crushed..I've never felt so guilty. I swear they cried more than me. They didn't, but damn..it'd be hard to prove.

My boy was loved..he wasn't just mine, he was everyone's. Losing him made it so clear..
 
ryutaro's mama said:
I can understand your grief in a different sorta way. I lost a sibling suddenly (at an extremely young age) about 3 months ago. I was numb for a long time and still have moments when I am. I have to catch myself at moments when I some current event happens and I want to contact them and remember, "oh yeah, that's right..."

There is no loss like immediate family. Until this one, all the death I experienced in life was on the edges of my life, i.e. all my grandparents, uncles, aunts...but to lose a person I grew up with...I cried more in the first days that followed than I have in my entire life.

I wouldn't wish that kinda pain on anyone.
Click to expand...

Look up traumatic grief. Its like PTSD but different in a few aspects. That numbness as I understand it is your mind shutting down the feels so you can cope. The blasts of misery is your mind allowing the feels back in small doses. I guess its some sort of coping mechanism so your not overwhelmed by everything. Something like that anyway.
 
I will not dare to even imagine what you guys are going through right now, to lose a child is something that I sometimes question God himself because is something that should not happen to any parent, period.

My sincere condolences and I hope you guys some day find some comfort and can at leat enjoy life again with your son memories in your hearts.
 
lordxar said:
Look up traumatic grief. Its like PTSD but different in a few aspects. That numbness as I understand it is your mind shutting down the feels so you can cope. The blasts of misery is your mind allowing the feels back in small doses. I guess its some sort of coping mechanism so your not overwhelmed by everything. Something like that anyway.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I went through moments of just not caring about anything at all and seeing everything, as Gordon called out, as pointless and having no meaning.

I contemplated selling/giving away everything I had because I no longer valued any of it. I was in a complete malaise during the funeral procession. I know I spoke but I couldn't tell you a single word of it.

I hardly even remember the details of it and I refused to look at them in the casket. My final memory of them is in life. It was all so surreal.

Sorry Gordon to use this thread to talk about this but your topic re-opened some things for me.
 
I hope the child didn't have to suffer. I took care of my dad for 14 years after he fought cancer once. Then it came again. And that was that story. May troubles be your fortitude for not in words but in stone.
 
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know that time does not heal wounds but makes living with them easier. It is alright to be sad and I hope you can find people who you can share your pain with. Don't let anyone tell you it is wrong to feel sad. Perhaps you can find a counselor a good friend or even some books that cover your situation to help you.
 
Can't even begin to imagine what this must be like. :-( I am so sorry for your losses.
 
May your son Rest in peace, knowing that he was loved by you and everyone else around him so desperately.

Give him a damn good send off OP. And always remember the great times you have with him! That way your son will never truly be gone forever...
 
Really sorry to hear that. Stay busy and positive(that positive stuff works!). Hope you find some real peace and happiness soon, brother.
 
My little girl is 6 now, and while reading your post I couldn't stop looking at her. I can't imagine living a single day without her in my life. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you must feel every single day.

I truly hope you find happiness as you move forward in life, and never forget the wonderful moments you both shared. They are a treasure and you are fortunate to have been blessed to have him, even if the time was brief.

My heart goes out to you and your family. My deepest condolences.
 
Behind every post you make I know theres an amazing person, theres is nothing wrong with crying, just as long as it is with the knowlege that you made your boy happy during his time on this world, happiness is a commodity, a hard to find gift and you gave it to him, and now its time to get it for yourself.
 
That sounds brutal OP, you definitely have a reason to be sad. When life has thrown a few curve balls and things seem rough, I always think of the biblical scripture that says even though pain endureth for a night, joy comes in the morning. One of my favorite motivational speakers says if you can look up, you can get up.

Sends prayers.
 
I don't know what it's like to have a son. My father was recently almost nearly paralyzed. He's basically a quadriplegic at this point with a long road to recovery. Doesn't seem like he'll walk again or get much digit movement back. He's also all I have left.

I am also very tired, and cannot imagine what it is like for you. My attempts have led to tears, and any actual comprehension of your situation would break what's left of me. I can only relate with a vague empty sadness. Stay strong, and do your best to not let the anger take hold. Always remember him. Best wishes.
 
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