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[Zod the Bear]

First off, I'm sorry. That's a really horrible position to be in...I hope things turn around.

I'm not sure just counselling would help...she might need some one on one therapy. A marriage counsellor might be able to determine that and make a recommendation, though.

Good luck. Hope everything turns out well for you and your daughter.

 

[EYEL1NER]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

My wife and I are having some relatively minor trouble right now due to the long-distance between us and I know to a small extent what that 'don't wanna eat, sleep, do anything, just-feel-nauseous' feeling is like. No where close to what you are probably feeling and I really hope you feel better soon.
I feel pretty dumb saying that "Get better soon!" because I know that it isn't exactly an easy thing to do. But I hope you pull through this okay.

 

[Instigator]

On the bright side, you could be free man in no time.

 

[Danneee]

One of my exes were just like that, spent more time with her friends than me. Obviously didn't work out as I was pretty jealous back them too. I understand that it's not the same thing, you guys having a child together and all but some things just don't work and I'm a firm believer that trying to work something out with someone that isn't as motivated as you is just a waste of time.
Time better spent planning for the future and accepting the situation.

 

[Dilly]

It really sucks and to be honest she should've talked about things bothering her earlier instead of wait 2 years.

And yes, fuck Facebook. Like a lot of things it can be a great medium, but how most people use it now, it sucks and displays a lot of things wrong with our society in general. I'm sure it ruined a lot of relationships already.

 

[TUSR]

Delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up (for custody)

 

[SpoonyBard]

I agree that a marriage counsellor would be the best bet. Looks like your wife has communication issues, and having a third party present would help. And the fact that you have been apart for max 2 days in 9 years doesn't sound necessarily good... She may feel like having you and the child always present is suffocating her. And facebook is most likely not enough as an escape channel. Social media is pretty unsocial by nature... I'm not saying you have done anything wrong, this kind of crap just happens.

 

[FunkyMunkey]

Man, the people who remember every single little argument, I'll never understand. Insults sure, but disagreements and such, nope. Those types of people either adapt and learn to be positive and forgive and forget (to an extent) or they aren't ultimately cut out for long relationships or marriage. Myself and most of my friends have been with girlfriends before that have brought up an arguement from years prior, and it's like you're too busy flabbergasted that she'd dig up something so minor and borderline off topic, that it derails the current disagreement and usually ends up escalating it.

Hope you have better fortune soon

 

[Kuro Madoushi]

Starting to happen with my wife and twitter. Twitter is even worse. Maybe I'm just old...I understand Facebook bit checking twitter all the time? When we're sitting down to eat at a restaurant. When we're on the bus going somewhere. When we're walking somewhere. All. The. Time. Who needs to check the inane shit that people say ball the time?

 

[Dilly]

Starting to happen with my wife and twitter. Twitter is even worse. Maybe I'm just old...I understand Facebook bit checking twitter all the time? When we're sitting down to eat at a restaurant. When we're on the bus going somewhere. When we're walking somewhere. All. The. Time. Who needs to check the inane shit that people say ball the time?

Addiction.

 

[TUSR]

Addiction.

My fiance got into all that stuff and would check it during dinner on dates.

 

[SlowRevolution]

Sorry to hear, hope everything turns out okay for you both. Facebook ended up giving my parents a lot of trouble too with their marriage, I'd be interested in seeing how much of an impact it's made in that way.

 

[Stuart444]

checking twitter all the time? When we're sitting down to eat at a restaurant. When we're on the bus going somewhere. When we're walking somewhere. All. The. Time.

To be fair, I understand on the bus because you don't have much to do except talk or do stuff on your phone or whatever. When you're about to eat at a restaurant and when you're walking seems a bit... much.

 

[davepoobond]

no wonder she's like this. you met her 9 years ago, when she was 19, married her when she was 24, and she probably never really had any other serious relationships. she probably feels like "there's more" out there for her or something and the fb stuff is probably giving her that temporary high of feeling like people think she is attractive etc etc etc.

6 year age difference is quite large during those years -- you were ready to settle down, she obviously wasn't, and now she has regrets it. having the kid probably stressed her out and pushed her towards that realization.

i would try to push for marriage counseling, but i dont think she is going to be very accepting of it. she probably will want to go out with other guys or something. how is your relationship with her parents? do they like you?

 

[Septimius]

Two things come to mind, OP:

1. Never justify your anger. Never justify the things that have upset her, by it being "started by her". It might some times be true. Other times, maybe it's an excuse for yourself. At any rate, it leads nowhere. What's important is to make sure it doesn't happen, rather than blaming it on her. In retrospect, the same thing applies, because you're losing valuable insight to yourself by putting it on someone else. Like, why did you react like that when it happened?

2. She seems to have deeper problems. She seems unhappy with her life. Whatever the cause, she needs help. It doesn't sound serious. She's not gonna ax-murder everyone on her block. She's just down. Maybe she feels her life is boring, maybe she feels imprisoned. It's important to keep an outlook for these things. Hanging on Facebook is a means of escape, but it's like eating chocolate. You feel good for a moment, but then you feel worse. So you need more. As davepoobond puts it - it's so easy to feel imprisoned when you settle down early. It's a natural reaction to blame the partner for it, and not one's own lack of introspection during the time you settled down, sadly.


It sounds like she is putting more of the blame than she should on you. Sure you can say that it's not your fault, but I'd say we're still responsible of not allowing such things to happen. Constructive talks about use of time and focuses in life - talking about past-times that can make your partner happy, and a structure of life that makes you both happy - these things are incredibly important. Don't fret that she's taking up all this old stuff - the real problem is that she's been down for the last 2 years and you didn't notice. You said you noticed her facebook'ing, so obviously you're not without clue.

She might just need a change of scenery. It's a good way for people to jump-start their lives, again. It's by no means the only way. You should try and have a deeper discussion about things. If you're too direct about asking if she feels down, though, you can bet she'll blow up in your face and throw even more crap your way.

 

[Yoshichan]

Wish you the best.

 

[MarkMclovin]

This is almost exactly what happened to me and my fiance man.

If you want to have a real talk, you can PM me.

Thanks man, appreciate it.

Delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up (for custody)

Done, will start running again soon, not sure about this yet but one of our close friends is a lawyer and she is very level headed. I might get a little advice from her first (she wouldn;t relay it back to my wife).

no wonder she's like this. you met her 9 years ago, when she was 19, married her when she was 24, and she probably never really had any other serious relationships. she probably feels like "there's more" out there for her or something and the fb stuff is probably giving her that temporary high of feeling like people think she is attractive etc etc etc.

6 year age difference is quite large during those years -- you were ready to settle down, she obviously wasn't, and now she has regrets it. having the kid probably stressed her out and pushed her towards that realization.

i would try to push for marriage counseling, but i dont think she is going to be very accepting of it. she probably will want to go out with other guys or something. how is your relationship with her parents? do they like you?

Nah it wasn't like that at all. I wouldn't say that I was looking to settle down either, we just did because we both wanted to.

She was in 1 other long term relationship before me but then for a few years she enjoyed life. Like I said, we were friends before we hooked up. Yeah I got on with her parents very well.

 

[TUSR]

Thanks man, appreciate it.


Done, will start running again soon, not sure about this yet but one of our close friends is a lawyer and she is very level headed. I might get a little advice from her first (she wouldn;t relay it back to my wife).

Well if she was treating you as a client she wouldn't legally be allowed to relay it to your wife.

But in all seriousness, the way the story sounds, your daughter deserves the affection and attention you provide. Not saying you should push for full custody, but keep an open mind for the well being of your daughter because this will affect her greatly.

 

[bengraven]

Reminds me that I need to watch what I say to my wife. Just little cranky things that I apologize for almost immediately. She may forgive, but I doubt she forgets.

 

[May16]

About a month ago, we had a bit of a barney and she packed a little bag and stayed up her parents for the night. It threw me for six, but when she came back the next day, we sat down and talked. She told me that she's been unhappy for the last 2 years and then brought up all these times that I've said or done something to upset her, most of them as far as I'm concerned, are justified because of something that she has done. These things date back years, some of which I can't even remember, but she's holding onto them and letting them build up inside.

Wanna hear some crazy shit?

This is almost exactly the same thing that happened to my parents this year. My mom pulled that card, like being unhappy with things my dad did yeeeeeaaars ago. There's more to it than that, but now, the two are basically acting like dumb high school kids -- dating other people mostly just to make the other one jealous. Everyone is shocked because they were like, BFFs for nearly 3 decades.

They just celebrated their 26th anniversary in February and ordered up some divorce papers in October. Yeah. It's fucking weird.

It's got me moping and I'm not even the one getting divorced. I can only imagine it's 100 times worse for you =/
Definitely sorry to hear about it, man.

 

[speedline]

I hate to bring this up, but do you think this has anything to do with her losing weight? This exact same scenario happened to my cousin as well as a friend at work. Wife loses weight, gets attention from other men, leaves husband and kids. She also sounds like she has some self esteem issues if she is bringing up arguments from a long time ago, she has been holding on to these things so she can pull them out if she needed to so she can defend whatever shitty actions she may take.

 

[MarkMclovin]

Two things come to mind, OP:

1. Never justify your anger. Never justify the things that have upset her, by it being "started by her". It might some times be true. Other times, maybe it's an excuse for yourself. At any rate, it leads nowhere. What's important is to make sure it doesn't happen, rather than blaming it on her. In retrospect, the same thing applies, because you're losing valuable insight to yourself by putting it on someone else. Like, why did you react like that when it happened?

2. She seems to have deeper problems. She seems unhappy with her life. Whatever the cause, she needs help. It doesn't sound serious. She's not gonna ax-murder everyone on her block. She's just down. Maybe she feels her life is boring, maybe she feels imprisoned. It's important to keep an outlook for these things. Hanging on Facebook is a means of escape, but it's like eating chocolate. You feel good for a moment, but then you feel worse. So you need more. As davepoobond puts it - it's so easy to feel imprisoned when you settle down early. It's a natural reaction to blame the partner for it, and not one's own lack of introspection during the time you settled down, sadly.


It sounds like she is putting more of the blame than she should on you. Sure you can say that it's not your fault, but I'd say we're still responsible of not allowing such things to happen. Constructive talks about use of time and focuses in life - talking about past-times that can make your partner happy, and a structure of life that makes you both happy - these things are incredibly important. Don't fret that she's taking up all this old stuff - the real problem is that she's been down for the last 2 years and you didn't notice. You said you noticed her facebook'ing, so obviously you're not without clue.

She might just need a change of scenery. It's a good way for people to jump-start their lives, again. It's by no means the only way. You should try and have a deeper discussion about things. If you're too direct about asking if she feels down, though, you can bet she'll blow up in your face and throw even more crap your way.

Thanks for the advice. My friends, although are supportive and are there for me are obviously are going to be there just to hear me out. I think I just need advice like this.

When she left on Friday, she also took our wedding album. When I asked why is she taking it, she first lied and said that her mum wanted to copy some of the photos, but when I asked again, she said that she wanted to look back. so what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I'm supposed to be going to her parents house tonight for New Years Eve (her parents are away so it'll just be the 3 of us) but I don't know what to do. We'll probably end up sleeping in separate rooms, but man, I feel low as it is and doing that might make me feel worse.

 

[Aiii]

Reminds me that I need to watch what I say to my wife. Just little cranky things that I apologize for almost immediately. She may forgive, but I doubt she forgets.

They never do mate. They never do.

Still, it's not about that for them most of the time. They get unhappy, they start shutting down and not talking to you as much and then all of a sudden they tell you it's over because "list of reasons."

It's never the real reason though.

But here's the thing, if they're unhappy with you and get to the point where they want to leave you and even after trying to patch it up they still want to, it's just best to let 'em go. Everyone's better off if you're seperated instead of together and unhappy, nobody benefits from that situation. Sure it might suck for a while and you'll hurt for a long time, but long term you'll end up being happier for it in life.

Best of luck OP.

 

[Septimius]

I hate to bring this up, but do you think this has anything to do with her losing weight? This exact same scenario happened to my cousin as well as a friend at work. Wife loses weight, gets attention from other men, leaves husband and kids. She also sounds like she has some self esteem issues if she is bringing up arguments from a long time ago, she has been holding on to these things so she can pull them out if she needed to so she can defend whatever shitty actions she may take.

If you start losing weight to get attention, or you ditch your family because you get attention, I'd say there's a deeper problem. I don't get the connection between self-esteem issues and bringing up old things. Some women might get more defensive when arguing, though. If you are, then it is as you say - bringing up old stuff is just a low way of having more ammo to push out.

And hey, thread. Let's stop with this "women always bring up old stuff and it's so stupid because it's never relevant"-idea. It is relevant. I agree that it's not always relevant in the way they put forward, but the moment we men alienate ourselves from the women because of something like this, is when it turns into "us and them". If they do bring up old things, ask why they do. I've waded through tons of false statements when asking about it, but I always keep digging. Sometimes I get down to "I pretty much just said that to hurt you", and other times "because that time, that really stuck with me". Those are important to find and work out.

Thanks for the advice. My friends, although are supportive and are there for me are obviously are going to be there just to hear me out. I think I just need advice like this.

When she left on Friday, she also took our wedding album. When I asked why is she taking it, she first lied and said that her mum wanted to copy some of the photos, but when I asked again, she said that she wanted to look back. so what you're saying makes a lot of sense.

I'm supposed to be going to her parents house tonight for New Years Eve (her parents are away so it'll just be the 3 of us) but I don't know what to do. We'll probably end up sleeping in separate rooms, but man, I feel low as it is and doing that might make me feel worse.

Don't go tonight. For one, it won't bring any good. Secondly, it'll leave room for contemplation for both of you. A situation like this won't magically be fixed. You need time to think, too. This isn't just about how you can get your wife to stay, it's about how you've been during the last years. Maybe you've been to neglecting of her and what's important to her? It might be a normal 'male' response to just overlook things we don't have to deal with. But if she spent that much time on facebook - that wasn't to piss you off. It's a sign that something's not right, and you didn't heed that. Maybe you've been letting your stress go out on her? We can all be upset and irritable at times, but that's no excuse to let it out on our partners. If you do find yourself being irritable, it's important to just breathe it out, and remember that she should never be the one that you take it out on. Like, if it annoyed you that she sat on facebook, don't you think it's counter-productive to yell at her, or even just being upset that she does it, rather than just asking why she's on facebook so much. It ruins communication, and it pushes her further away.

Take these things to heart. Think through how you live your life, and how you want your life together with her to be. Financial stress is something couples can be stronger about, it shouldn't drive them apart. If it is financially stressful, it's important to work on that, too. Don't take the "I'm the breadwinner of this house" approach and be alone in fixing it.

So give yourselves time. She'll likely start missing you real soon. Don't abuse that lapse to 'trap' her back into your life. Use that opportunity to talk about things on a different level than before. Get to know that part of yourself and your wife. It might just save everything. Spend tons of time, and remember that if she feels down in her life, it's easier to blame it on you than to admit that.

 

[El'Kharn]

All the best sir - genuinely sad for a stranger such as myself to read that especially when your daughter is stuck in the middle of everything. I hope the process goes through quickly so you can look forward to a brighter future.

This.

I've been there man. it gets harder before it gets better.

 

[speedline]

They never do mate. They never do.

Still, it's not about that for them most of the time. They get unhappy, they start shutting down and not talking to you as much and then all of a sudden they tell you it's over because "list of reasons."

It's never the real reason though.

But here's the thing, if they're unhappy with you and get to the point where they want to leave you and even after trying to patch it up they still want to, it's just best to let 'em go. Everyone's better off if you're seperated instead of together and unhappy, nobody benefits from that situation. Sure it might suck for a while and you'll hurt for a long time, but long term you'll end up being happier for it in life.

Best of luck OP.

I agree with this. I think once a woman says it's over there really isn't any going back. She is out of love with you unfortunately. I hate hearing these types of things, my wife has always been a bit withdrawn anyway but we really don't spend a whole lot of time together like we used to. She has her friends and I have mine.

If you start losing weight to get attention, or you ditch your family because you get attention, I'd say there's a deeper problem. I don't get the connection between self-esteem issues and bringing up old things. Some women might get more defensive when arguing, though. If you are, then it is as you say - bringing up old stuff is just a low way of having more ammo to push out.

It takes a confident person to forgive and let go of things imo, a person with low self esteem will hold onto every little thing you may have said and use it later as a defense mechanism. I think it's a classic sign of low self esteem, people who get very defensive.

 

[MarkMclovin]

I hate to bring this up, but do you think this has anything to do with her losing weight? This exact same scenario happened to my cousin as well as a friend at work. Wife loses weight, gets attention from other men, leaves husband and kids. She also sounds like she has some self esteem issues if she is bringing up arguments from a long time ago, she has been holding on to these things so she can pull them out if she needed to so she can defend whatever shitty actions she may take.

She's a very pretty girl anyway and when I was upset talking to her yesterday, I just had to ask if she's interested in anyone else. Probably the worse thing I could ask to be honest but after not sleeping/eating for 3 days straight, feeling lower than a snakes ass, you need to know why this is happening I suppose. Anyway, she said no not at all and when I asked if she's getting a lot more attention, she said not more than usual. As in, she gets the odd person saying something to her in work (I used to work there too so I know what she means), or a whistle when walking do the street.

I dunno, I just don't think she's the type to go sniffing. I don't think she would do anything that could end up making her out to be the one that is 'in the wrong', if you know what I mean.

 

[speedline]

She's a very pretty girl anyway and when I was upset talking to her yesterday, I just had to ask if she's interested in anyone else. Probably the worse thing I could ask to be honest but after not sleeping/eating for 3 days straight, feeling lower than a snakes ass, you need to know why this is happening I suppose. Anyway, she said no not at all and when I asked if she's getting a lot more attention, she said not more than usual. As in, she gets the odd person saying something to her in work (I used to work there too so I know what she means), or a whistle when walking do the street.

I dunno, I just don't think she's the type to go sniffing. I don't think she would do anything that could end up making her out to be the one that is 'in the wrong', if you know what I mean.

I'm going to be honest with you man, you may never get a straight answer as to "why". She may not even be able to explain it. Heartbreak is the hardest thing to get past, the hardest. I've lost both of my parents at a young age and I was able to accept their deaths quicker than I was able to mend a broken heart from a girl I loved. I know how you feel, can't sleep, can't eat. It takes a long time to move on I know.

 

[Septimius]

It takes a confident person to forgive and let go of things imo, a person with low self esteem will hold onto every little thing you may have said and use it later as a defense mechanism. I think it's a classic sign of low self esteem, people who get very defensive.

Hmm. It's really hard for me to make a distinction, but what you've said is firing of my contemplation engine. I like that.

I'm going to be honest with you man, you may never get a straight answer as to "why". She may not even be able to explain it.

This is very important to know. Don't ask destructive questions. What person doesn't want attention in general? And what person doesn't feel a void when they leave their partner, and are therefore seeking more attention. It's probably not anything more, but that is a normal reaction. I've had that. And she really might not be able to explain it. We have these feelings. Feelings that our lives aren't going as we want it to. And our brain has this amazing power to fill holes with "logic" - just the way you can't see your blind-spot, the brain might have a feeling that "I feel like leaving this person" and when you ask why, weak arguments and old problems come out. Take the feeling that she wants to leave you as the only thing that matters - not the 'why'.

 

[MarkMclovin]

It takes a confident person to forgive and let go of things imo, a person with low self esteem will hold onto every little thing you may have said and use it later as a defense mechanism. I think it's a classic sign of low self esteem, people who get very defensive.

She was bullied at school pretty badly with boys and girls. I'm no physiologist or anything but I would say it was because she's very friendly and she was easily one of the prettiest girls around her classes. The bullying apparently got pretty bad, and physical in and out of school.

After that she was cheated on by her then long term boyfriend, several times. Then we met and after a few years we moved into our house, she started having seizures. The doctors took a long time to actually diagnose her with epilepsy, and in that time, she was also being treated like shit from her old boss. This went on for a few years until she was forced to get another job. It was the worst few years of MY life, let alone hers.

EDIT - EDITED above.

 

[RionaaM]

This is so true, I have many women friends who do nothing but post pictures of themselves in front of a mirror and get 30+ likes. When people are on facebook and see a girl posting pictures of herself they think "Yeah girl, you sure do believe in yourself!!", they click 'like', and make the girl think she's so much better than she is. The girl in turns gets so addicted to that 'like' high she just keep doing it.

Yeah, that coupled with the "Your eyes are so beautiful I could get lost in them all day" comments is a perfect recipe for disaster. I knew a girl like that, she had pretty low self-steem and confidence, but seemed to enjoy being "popular" on Twitter and Facebook, getting likes and comments and retweet and mentions and all that shit.

OP, hope you get better and can work out your problems with her. And I also wish the best for your daughter. Luckily for her she's too young to realise what's going on, and you seem to be a loving and caring father, so at least she'll be in good hands when it comes to you. Can't speak for your wife, I don't know her, but you said she is a loving mother too, so with any luck everything will end up fine. Don't feel alone, you have GAF here; although we are complete internet strangers, we still care about you, and will listen to you if you need to vent or anything. Happy new year to you too!

 

[KillGore]

Oh man,I'm so sorry you're going through this. You seem like a nice guy.

 

[teh_J0kerer]

In my experience, women go through some random emotional swings sometimes. I think you should at least try marriage counselling, especially since you have a daughter.

It worked for me and my then girlfriend, now wife.

 

[Valnen]

She doesn't sound like a good person. Hope you find someone better.

 

[levious]

Push for counseling. Then fight for your kid hard, your wife is the one giving up, make that clear.

 

[profit]

Wish you all the best man...

Want to chime in with the fuck Facebook people.
My girlfriend has her moments where she thinks everyone does so much more stuff then her, even though we are rarely home. If you look at it, it looks like most people have the best life ever and are always sooooo happy. And every party we are going to when we see someone we know with a mad/sour face the entire night; I have to remind her to remember that persons face, cause when they get a picture taken, they'll post it on Facebook and will comment on it: BEST NIGHT EVAAAAAAAAH!
People have such a "look at me, I'm so goddamn happy my life rox" attitude on Facebook, it doesnt really anger me, it just worries me....

 

[MarkMclovin]

Oh man,I'm so sorry you're going through this. You seem like a nice guy.

Thanks man.

In my experience, women go through some random emotional swings sometimes. I think you should at least try marriage counseling, especially since you have a daughter.

It worked for me and my then girlfriend, now wife.

Glad it worked out man. I think it will also help us both, but I don't know if she will want to try now. I'll try an talk to her tonight and we'll have to see where that goes.

 

[MarkMclovin]

Wish you all the best man...

Want to chime in with the fuck Facebook people.
My girlfriend has her moments where she thinks everyone does so much more stuff then her, even though we are rarely home. If you look at it, it looks like most people have the best life ever and are always sooooo happy. And every party we are going to when we see someone we know with a mad/sour face the entire night; I have to remind her to remember that persons face, cause when they get a picture taken, they'll post it on Facebook and will comment on it: BEST NIGHT EVAAAAAAAAH!
People have such a "look at me, I'm so goddamn happy my life rox" attitude on Facebook, it doesnt really anger me, it just worries me....

Yeah you're right.

When we were having a heart to heart on Saturday she said that she wants a loving relationship just like our 2 friends that have just got married themselves. She's referring to the constant status updates and instagram photos of them having all this fun together, all loved up. What she doesn't know, and I probably should have said is that I go running with one of them all the time, and man, he moans about her all the time! lol

Sad really.

 

[Az]

It looks like you are the only one trying to fix this marriage. I know you have a daughter and all but it might be for the best to look for a divorce (don't be scared by this). Being honest with each other will help quite a bit, because I have been there. Those quick kiss and make up fixes will not help in this case, you both need to change if you want to save the marriage.

I wish I had more time to write up something in regards to her parents and the facebook issue, as I see some signs that it appears she misses the 'old' times. I'll try to do it a bit later.

Good luck bud, if you are ever in Jax you got a beer on me.

 

[The Abominable Snowman]

It honestly reads as if you hadn't spent a lot of time with her or gave her a lot of needed attention, so she turned to Fbook.

Either way best of luck OP

 

[oneHeero]

I'm sorry op. shit sucks. I am going through a separation as well, difference being thst I'm the one asking for.it.

we have two kids and a house. it really really sucks. my reason is I'm not as happy as I think we all ca be. I've checked out and that sucks. hard to go back to thinking otherwise. blah idk.

gl op, hope the best for.you.

 

[speedline]

Yeah you're right.

When we were having a heart to heart on Saturday she said that she wants a loving relationship just like our 2 friends that have just got married themselves. She's referring to the constant status updates and instagram photos of them having all this fun together, all loved up. What she doesn't know, and I probably should have said is that I go running with one of them all the time, and man, he moans about her all the time! lol

Sad really.

So true, facebook photos are in no way a good indicator of anyone's happiness. I know some people who are pretty miserable and you would never know it by looking at their facebook updates and photos posted. It's all an illusion.

 

[ComputerMKII]

She was unhappy and she waited two years to talk about it? I feel sorry for the both of you.

 

[Dingotech]

Facebook =/= real life.
I don't even have an account, but my wife does and her cousin's wife posted all the time about how everything is so dang wonderful. Then bam her cousin up and walks out on her on Xmas eve...
Your wife needs to realise that the whole facebook world is a sham, piss it off and realise that you have a child that you brought into this world!

Good luck with it all man, you really seem like a very nice level headed person. I hope you can again find that woman that you fell in love with and married.

 

[Ken Masters]

So I've had to come into work today, totally feeling like shit but I have to look busy. I've never thought about typing how I feel, to strangers, on GAF as I'm usually the type for popping on here just to get some gaming news and a laugh to pass time in work, but since Friday, it just totally feels like I have nobody. Although the opposite is true, I have some great friends that are just as shocked and as upset as me. They were there when I first met my wife, 9 years ago, and even came out to Florida just over 4 years ago for our wedding.

She says that she has been unhappy for 2 years now. I, nor any of our friends have noticed this, but we certainly have had some stressful years since our daughter was born back in 2010. Mostly financial and work stress really, the same shit that I'm sure most couples go through in their marriage. Yeah there have been times where I've been a bit of a prick and have said/done things to upset her but it's been both ways, but after kissing and making up, you just forget about it and move on. Only she hasn't.

About a month ago, we had a bit of a barney and she packed a little bag and stayed up her parents for the night. It threw me for six, but when she came back the next day, we sat down and talked. She told me that she's been unhappy for the last 2 years and then brought up all these times that I've said or done something to upset her, most of them as far as I'm concerned, are justified because of something that she has done. These things date back years, some of which I can't even remember, but she's holding onto them and letting them build up inside. As for me, I had a problem with her spending most of our time together, on facebook. Urgh, fucking facebook. Every 5 minutes her phone would go off and she would sit there, with a little smile on her face as she types away to status updates and messages. Mostly to people that she used to work with, old friends that she hasn't bothered with for years and people from her school which she's never bothered with since leaving. Most of the chatting hasn't involved our 'real' friends that we see on a regular basis. All of them have noticed her on there all of the time.

I've said to her that one of my issues with her is that this is taking up more time than she spends with both me and her daughter. Obviously she doesn't agree and then throws back at me that I'm just trying to be controlling. She's certainly not the type of woman to go looking elsewhere, but I do know that after moving positions in work, after after dieting all year (and she looks fucking great) that she's been getting more attention both on facebook and in work. This has never phased me though, as I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone. I just feel that she is building up some sort of life online where she feels happier than her real life, the life that matters. One or two of our friends have said to me that maybe it's just a coincidence that she's been unhappy for 2 years; the same number of years our daughter was born. I wasn't the one to come up with this either, but we went to friends wedding again in Florida just a few months back (it was also our 4 year anniversary in the same place) and it was great. Again, our daughter wasn't there. But what type of mother would admit that she feels depressed because of our gorgeous daughter? It would be a lot easier to just pick the times that I've been an arsehole and bring them back up to blame me.

So after talking it out a month ago we agreed that we both need to change. I would show that I respect her more, and she would spend more time with me and show that she does want to be with me. At first it was fine, but then it started to dwindle again. To cut another story short, I spent most of Christmas Eve, after a full days work, with just me and my daughter, cleaning all the house ready for Christmas Day. She had half day off and went straight out to the pub. When I got to her parents house (where we were supposed to spend Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day) she and her parents weren't there - they were still down the pub, later turning up as if nothing was wrong. I let it go. And since then we just plodded along until Friday where after a little argument, she packed a bag and took my daughter to her parents again, only this time I think it's for good. She's told me that she just can't go on with me anymore and doesn't feel attracted to me. I've suggested marriage counseling but I don't know where to begin with that, and I don't even know if she thinks it will work. She keeps saying that the 'damage is done.'

I've hardly slept a wink since Thursday night. Certainly don't feel like eating and I now have to put on a face here in work.

Man, this really sucks. Happy New Year.

tldr; Marriage ending, people make mistakes, fuck facebook, happy new year.

EDIT - BTW I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, I just wanted to type something and I actually feel better for doing so.

When you say you have done things to upset, what exactly are we talking about?

Because I don't think it's leaving the toilet seat up

 

[Vyroxis]

It sounds to me like she just wants to be 19 again and have fun more often. She feels trapped, and thinks that tossing your marriage into the blender is a good way to go. Her Facebook addiction does nothing to help the situation, and is probably amplifying her desire to be a free spirit again. That being said...

If you have a joint bank account, empty it now. And savings. Put a limit on any credit card accounts you share. She is bringing up things from years ago to use against you, meaning she is childish enough to try and rake you over the coals by backing you into a corner financially. Beat her to the punch and go on the offensive. Lawyer up ASAP, get those papers filed, and then drop the heavy end of the hammer by demanding complete custody. It won't save your marriage, but the longer you wait the more likely.she is to burn you to the ground.

 

[profit]

Yeah you're right.

When we were having a heart to heart on Saturday she said that she wants a loving relationship just like our 2 friends that have just got married themselves. She's referring to the constant status updates and instagram photos of them having all this fun together, all loved up. What she doesn't know, and I probably should have said is that I go running with one of them all the time, and man, he moans about her all the time! lol

Sad really.

Yeah it is, I just have a feeling that a lot of people who post nothing but those happy moments, just want to have a superior feeling over other people to surpress the negatives in their lives (offcourse not everyone does this, but I think it's still a majority....)

And to comment on her not saying anything she was unhappy for two years, I've had the same thing happen to me by one of my girlfriends, I was devastated cause I thought it was all my fault. But trust me it isnt. I dont know how your communication was during your marriage, but I really learned my lesson with my previous relationship, and with my current girlfriend, if we ever have a discussion, I'll try to talk it out right at that moment, even if its in bed and we need to wake up early the next morning. Even if I dont manage that I'll call her the next morning to talk it out on the phone and after that when we're both home.
So many fights can be avoided by just talking, and so many bad feelings can be found out and resolved the same way.

Anyway, I give you my best wishes and I hope the year 2013 may give you much happiness in one way or another.

Oh, and fight for your daughter man, you sound like a great guy and your little girl may not be the victim here! Try and be the best dad in the world!

 

[jufonuk]

I've been through what you are going though OP, it takes a while to work itself out, you feel like major shit for ages, get depressed, but you get up and keep on moving forward

try marriage counselling, mediation if the marriage is worth saving then it is worth saving.

if it isn't, then you will have to move on

what ever happens between you and her, just make sure you get to see your child, get stuff hammered out just in case,

I know some people who split up and see their kid no problem, then you have me I have had major headaches getting to see my son. it is something I am working on getting sorted.

but the silver lining is after numerous years being single I met a lovely lady

 

[Zizbuka]

I'm really sorry to hear that man.

Facebook is going to provide so much material for sociologists. I feel like it has already drastically changed how many people interact with and perceive society.

The whole 'social' media thing. It amazes me that people have a crisis, and their first thought is to post it on facebook/twitter. Not meaning you OP.

 

[fenners]

So true, facebook photos are in no way a good indicator of anyone's happiness. I know some people who are pretty miserable and you would never know it by looking at their facebook updates and photos posted. It's all an illusion.

Yep, I've had this same discussion with my wife and I've seen /her/ do it too - posting photos of our cute family after a crappy day of crappy behaviour from the kids etc. Everyone does it.