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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #1 - "The Things Unseen"

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Not a problem, I hope by trying to please everyone by extending it out, more people take the time to read through all the submissions and vote.

At the same time, I would like to encourage everyone to read all the new entries and decide for yourselves if you would like to change your vote, and yes, for this particular thread, it will be allowed.
 
1. DumbNameD
I was quite lost for a while, but did manage to catch up by the end. Dark Crystal kind of tone to it. The imagery stood out to me. It's a strange world you live in.

2. beezlebozo
I'm normally not a fan of the bleak stuff but this resonated with me, particularly because it mirrors some of my family history. But it's not overly sentimental (which would repel me), but rather spoken through a voice that is resolute having lived many years on the other side of the ordeal.

runners-up

Revenant Kiou - what could go on in the mind of a coma patient? Did not see that coming.
Aaron - great imagery but my imagination wasn't ready/willing to create the extension of the world and history that provides the context. The story floats around in a little snow globe somewhere in time and space and my inability to ground it frustrates me a bit.
tyguy - I really like how I start off wanting to slap the kid silly then end up wanting to give him a manly bear hug.

Spirit award

Chairman Yang - I like the premise (the witch from Big Fish) but would prefer to see the character alive, dealing with his curse day to day and even using his skill in the field (although obviously forced to by CIA handlers or what have you).
 
I love that so many people have different opinions on the pieces. The fact that some of the ones that I flat out enjoyed aren't getting many votes and the ones I didn't enjoy at all are getting votes here and there is awesome. I think this is why these challenge threads should end up being pretty successful every time we do them and the winners will probably be as varied as the submissions.

Thanks to everyone who has written and is now voting. Making the GAF Community more of such through our writing, in my opinion. :)


btw, Iceman, I haven't seen you post in a long time man. I am glad you are still around and posting. I always enjoyed your posts from the 'old' GAF days. :)
 
1 borghe
2 gaborn

Definitely need more voting slots. Too hard!
A lot of beautifully written pieces, but these two flat out entertained me the most and which is why they got my votes. There was an air of completeness to both that I felt a few others were lacking. Sometimes it felt like things were wrapped up too quickly or there was so much detail that just one bit that would have entertained me a bit more was left out.
Anyway, I'm really excited to keep up with these challenges.

And I'm thrilled to get positive remarks on mine! I was expecting it to go largely unnoticed, haha.
 
I swear to goodness, I hate voting. This is to hard. I've got it pinpointed to my four favorites, and, I could switch these around at any given time. I enjoyed a lot of the work here, and I'll go back and try and critique when it isn't 4am. :lol These are the ones that entertained me the most. So, my votes are:

1. Aaron: Beautiful use of imagery through and through. You didn't spend a decade describing a single detail, which is something a lot of writers tend to do. The story itself was descriptive enough to captivate me long enough, and it didn't hold my hand to guide the spoon full of mashed carrots into my mouth: which is awesome. Really, really, really well written.

2. ECubs03: I really enjoyed this one, mainly because it kind of settled within my own twisted views of eternity and how we perceive ourselves. It illustrated the discourse of human life, beliefs, and emotion: within the confines of a few key analogies. Understanding life beyond living, was spun in a way thats leagues better than, "I was walking through some stars, and I can't die, lulz", like most that deal with religion and living beyond the natural confines of fraility. Also, "etc" was great way to end it. Thats honestly how I think things would go down, if we could see the smallest of molecule. Like, as soon as you magnify all the way, it was say, "lawl. be back in 20."

As for my main honorable mentions:

Beezelbozo: "It was a childhood made of parts: part family, part home, part happy." :D Even if it wasn't the happiest of stories, I swear that line is ten shades of awesome. I don't really have much to say about yours. It was gorgeously done in a style that is emotionally captivating, and conveys a sense of reality with a gravity we could relate. The subtly is nicely done too.

"Little cave boys seeing blizzard, thinking snow snow snow." :D

&

Green Shinobi: It felt like I got rick'rolled in real life. That was a very nice twist to the story. The bitterness of the end made the guy seem more or less pissed off, and not so much as one I could empathize with. Not that I have too (more or less a personal thing). Aside from that, the sex was done tastefully, and overall the mood was pretty good. You could try describing the setting just a touch more. Stuff like smell and taste brings things full circle.

Thats my four.


batbeg said:
Oldschoolgamer - Very, eh, adventurous :lol Very deep look at interesting characters, though the repetitions came off as overbearing to me in the end.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I reread it recently, and, I agree. I should have gone back and reworded things a bit, to knock off a bit of the repetition.

nitewulf said:
Oldschoolgamer - needs heavy editing, grammatical mistakes and lack of sharpness/clarity. the idea is good and needs to be explored farther.
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I fail at editing. :lol When it comes to grammar and stuff my mind's eye does all of the reading, and I miss every thing and mix shit up constantly. I do agree with you about that bit too about the sharpness/clarity. I dunno, I might edit this thing later.

Thanks for the comments.
 
Iceman said:
2. beezlebozo
I'm normally not a fan of the bleak stuff but this resonated with me, particularly because it mirrors some of my family history. But it's not overly sentimental (which would repel me), but rather spoken through a voice that is resolute having lived many years on the other side of the ordeal.

Spirit award

Chairman Yang - I like the premise (the witch from Big Fish) but would prefer to see the character alive, dealing with his curse day to day and even using his skill in the field (although obviously forced to by CIA handlers or what have you).
Click to expand...

again, thanks to you, and anyone who enjoyed what i wrote.

i wanted to comment on chairman yang's, because it relies so heavily on the use of a dialogue to propel the narrative. that's really tough to do, and i think he did a nice job of it; it seems to have served him particularly well within the confines of that always looming 1,000 word limit. in this case, i think he was probably hurt quite a bit by gaf's horrible formatting for multiple paragraphs, so a long dialogue is going to just look absolutely awful on the page. your characters seem to actually be speaking, and not awkwardly, which is something that's much more difficult than some would imagine.
 
ma9to4.jpg
 
My votes:
beelzebozo
Aaron

but really I don't think there were really any bad ones that were taken serious in here. and even the ones that weren't taken serious have their merits. :P

good job. can't wait for the next one. (p.s. I still like mine the best, but I may be biased and not the best subjective critique :lol )
 
borghe said:
but really I don't think there were really any bad ones that were taken serious in here. and even the ones that weren't taken serious have their merits. :P
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Yeah, agreed. A few of them are rough around the edges and need some work, but there aren't any stinkers in the bunch.

Except for the one written by the person reading this post right now. Yeah, I'm talking to you.
 
Cyan said:
Yeah, agreed. A few of them are rough around the edges and need some work, but there aren't any stinkers in the bunch.

Except for the one written by the person reading this post right now. Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Click to expand...

:lol


=*(
 
I've gotta say thanks for the feedback I've gotten so far. I'm used to writing longer stories, but considering this is only my second experiment in writing a short one I don't think I did all too bad myself. Still theres plenty of room to improve but hey nobody's perfect.

As for my votes..

1) Beelzebozo
2) Aaron
 
Well...there are 3 front runners and unless some drastic voting change happens by tonight, one of them will be selecting our new topic! :)
 
1. Aaron (this vote is partially due to the quality of the story, and partially because you were very smart about writing it in a way that minimized the limitations of the word limit)
2. Gaborn (I would've preferred a more gradual "reveal", but otherwise excellent)

I'd also like to thank everyone who commented on my story--your criticism and praise were both extremely valuable.
 
My votes are 1. Cyan for creativity within a brilliant structure

and 2. Beelzebozo I like the concept, I thought the descriptions were brilliant, and the tenor of the story was brilliant.

Truthfully I could've given either spot to 5 or 6 other people though, it really was an excellent turn out.

And thanks to all the votes, comments and criticisms on my story, I really do appreciate it :).
 
Votes.

1. beezlebo - Nice work, man, this is really a fantastic piece. You've created a life for these characters outside the story. Really, I feel like I know the absent father.

2. Cyan - Just straight-out entertaining and unique. Well done.

There wasn't a bad one in the bunch. Good work guys, looking forward to the next one.
 
Votes

1. Aaron
2. beelzebozo

nitewulf: Really liked it, I'm kinda confused on how it connects to The Things Unseen though

Great Rumbler: I got flashbacks to Eternal Darkness when reading that. A few spelling errors but really good nontheless

Fuzzery: Well a picture is worth a thousand words *thumbs up*

QVT: I really liked the last sentence. A bit harsh though yeah?

Oldschoolgamer: Total mind trip. Don't really get where it was going though.

RumpledForeskin: Really liked how everybody in the story keeps their thoughts hidden even when they're trying to connect.

Cyan: Flowed really well, fun quick story.

Stage On: Well written. I enjoyed it.

Chairman Yang: Really felt for Charlie by the end. Good stuff.

bjork: Funniest story in the bunch. Good stuff.

beelzebozo: Beautiful stuff.

Borge: Really liked how Karl told Ted he was going to kill Kelly but Kelly still didn't realize it by the end of the story.

EBCubs03: Nice story. I like how the aliens needed a purpose to feel fulfilled.

AlteredBeast: Depressing, cold, and clinical. I think that was exactly what you were going for.

Aaron: The three characters of the story really came through in the few moments the story afforded them. Great ending. Really highlighted the defiant nature of the entire journey. A favourite.

Barrage: Great buildup of Theo as an arrogant jerk with a satisfying payback. Good stuff.

tyguy: Remined me of Catcher in the Rye. I felt sorry for Joe.

Gaborn: Great letter. Really liked the old guy writing it. The "Your Loyal Servant" kinda threw me after the casual nature of the rest of the letter.

Green Shinobi: Really well written. Are you going to stick with that theme for the other writing challenges? Heh.

DumbNameD: Crazy stuff. The story really rewarded re-reads. Want to know more about the mythology but oddly enough am satisfied with the few bits I could piece together.

YakiSOBA: I would totally buy tickets to that film.

batbeg: Harsh Story, Well written. Was Sin City an inspiration?

RevenantKioku: Sad story. Well told from Janet's father's perspective.

DarkJediKnight: Nice one. Not sure how it fits the theme though.

Iceman: Puppy love. Neat.
 
I don't know how to write, much less critic so my simples votes are:

1st place, beelzebozo

2nd place, besiktas1 (I was gonna do something like this =D )



Last place, Me
 
RumpledForeskin said:
Last place, Me
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hardly.

not that last place would necessarily mean anything in this contest. all of the entries had their strengths.

just creating something readable, something that a reader won't get bored with midway through and forget about.. that's an accomplishment. With your story I was actually engaged. As I was with all of the others it turns out. I found myself actually re-reading some of these stories just to understand the choices made, particularly in structure, so I could stea.. er, learn from them.

good stuff.

it's borderline intimidating to throw in against you guys. but it should help me become a better writer. can't wait for the next one.
 
Iceman said:
hardly.

not that last place would necessarily mean anything in this contest. all of the entries had their strengths.

just creating something readable, something that a reader won't get bored with midway through and forget about.. that's an accomplishment. With your story I was actually engaged. As I was with all of the others it turns out. I found myself actually re-reading some of these stories just to understand the choices made, particularly in structure, so I could stea.. er, learn from them.

good stuff.

it's borderline intimidating to throw in against you guys. but it should help me become a better writer. can't wait for the next one.
Click to expand...
Seriously. I like when I want to reread something after reading it. Even if it's from confusion because I wonder if it was the author's fault or mine. (It's usually mine.) If I don't want to reread it that's no big deal if I enjoyed it. If I don't want to even finish it...Well luckily there was noting like that in here. :D
Seriously though, I'll keep gushing about how I love this idea. I find it so hard, personally, to write when I want to, but give me a topic or idea and things start to flow.
 
Voting is over, congrats to the winner of our first challenge, beelzebozo with 19 points! Aaron was a close second with 16.

Congrats and thanks to all for participating. Here is to a more successful, less confusing NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #2!


Full list of points per submitter:

Chairman Yang - 4
Cyan - 6
DumbNameD - 10
Aaron - 16
beelzebozo - 19
nitewulf - 3
Great Rumbler - 1
Gaborn - 5
AlteredBeast - 4
borghe - 3
EBCubs03 - 1
besiktas1 - 1
tyguy2004 - 3
 
Whew, that was fun. Congrats, beezle... beelzy... bobo... oh, you know who I mean. Snow snow snow!

Thanks to the people who voted for mine! Thanks AB for setting this whole thing up!

So beelzebozo, looks like you get to set up the next thread--choose wisely. :)
 
Yeah, it was nice to see over a dozen different writers getting votes. Encouraging to everyone else.

I hope nobody gets butt-hurt about not getting any/enough votes and stop participating. I thought that there was so much quality in this thread, it would be a shame if we didn't have many people participating. :)
 
:( I kind of expected not to get any votes anyway, there was some awesome stuff in here - I'm more disappointed DumbNameD didn't win :lol I loved his story so much.

It was fun to do and great to read through and I fully look forward to the next one (which is when...?) and hopefully I won't be so worried about it. After reading all the submissions I realize I'd been too worried about make the theme very overt and obvious and hopefully I won't get so bogged down by it next time :lol Plus I should have more free time.

Thanks to those who commented on my story :) Hopefully I'll be able to churn out something better next time.
 
I am very pleased with the winner, although not my personal favorite, it was one of the three I thought was best overall. I actually didn't connect with a couple that garnered high votes and for that reason I am glad that one of the ones that I really enjoyed did win.

I thought Chairman Yang's was amazing. I could literally see every word being enacted in my head. Even just the haze in the air from some cigarette nearby. The light above the two main characters shining down upon them, etc. I am surprised that more people didn't enjoy it as much as I did.
 
Chairman Yang did have one of the best ones. Not enough praise can be said for it really. As I said before, the dialogue was so fantastic and he was really able to set a tone and atmosphere with so little, it was an incredible piece :) I feel bad not being able to vote for everyone, as there's so many deserving people :( It'd be nicer if non-submitters had actually voted... or even if all submitters had voted :lol
 
wow, thanks guys! great job to everyone. i liked quite a bit of what was submitted, and i'm pretty honored.

a couple of questions about your guys preferences for the next round:

[1] would you rather have it run one week, two weeks, or somewhere in between (7 days, 14 days, 10 days, etc.)?
[2] i think the 1,000 word limit is pretty manageable, and just about right to be able to read the number of submissions involved at the moment. agree? disagree?
[3] you guys want to shoot for around monday to start the next round?

again, thanks to everyone who voted for me, and congratulations to everyone who clearly put a lot of heart into what they wrote. it shows.
 
More than 7 days please. I needed a lot of time to jot stuff down and then mull how to fit it together. Monday to Wednesay one week later?
 
1,000 words is more than enough. It makes it easy enough to get through everybody's work. As for the time limit, ten sounds nice enough. Its a little over a week, and that should be ample enough time to get something done. Just make sure to keep to the date this time. lol
 
I would think 7 days would be plenty (and less likely to make some of us so impatient!), but if it must be longer... well, this one lasted 9 days, and that seemed like enough. We ended up with 25+ submissions.

1000 words seems like a good length too.
 
Considering complaints about it running too long started four days after it started, more than a week might be too much for our impatient types. A week seems like the best idea, as it's easy to manage and everyone will understand it quite well "Start on Monday, end Monday, you get one weekend if you have to rush!" Few days for voting, start next Monday! Or something.

1000 words seems awesome.
 
let's say theoretically we did run from monday to monday--march 3 to march 10--would you guys then want to wait until the following monday to start another, recharge creative juices and all that? i personally think a week is plenty of time as well.
 
Can't be writing ALL the time. A week break sounds good. Plus could we make it somehow easier to comment on people's stories? Feedback is the reason that I'm participating really.
 
seven days is more than enough. :P

I am pretty comfortable with the 1000 word limit, too. I, however do not like waiting, so a week in between assignments would kill me inside :P

We should be able to critique whenever we see fit. No reason we can't criticize and comment during the assignment.
 
Yeah, there's no reason not to critique while the contest is going on.

Azih- if you're that big on feedback, you might want to specifically ask for it in another post after you've posted your story. You're a lot more likely to get it that way. :)

Personally, while I always like getting feedback, the main reason I'm interested in this is to actually get writing again. I haven't done anything at all since NaNoWriMo last year (hey, why aren't Penguin, Oldschool, and The Experiment in here yet?). Plus, it's inspiring to read some of the awesome writing in this thread.
 
Cyan said:
Yeah, there's no reason not to critique while the contest is going on.

Azih- if you're that big on feedback, you might want to specifically ask for it in another post after you've posted your story. You're a lot more likely to get it that way. :)

Personally, while I always like getting feedback, the main reason I'm interested in this is to actually get writing again. I haven't done anything at all since NaNoWriMo last year (hey, why aren't Penguin, Oldschool, and The Experiment in here yet?). Plus, it's inspiring to read some of the awesome writing in this thread.
Click to expand...

I just changed my avatar from Alyx to Integra. I'm the one in the nanimo thread. :lol Oh, I really liked your piece in this. And, this too would be my first time writing since the nanimo thing. I really, really, really need to go back and edit it...
 
Azih said:
Can't be writing ALL the time. A week break sounds good. Plus could we make it somehow easier to comment on people's stories? Feedback is the reason that I'm participating really.
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You don't have to participate in every challenge, especially when there will be a fresh one coming up so soon.

I think if people want feedback they should be a bit specific in what aspect they're most concerned with. There were so many stories it was hard to do a general comment of any one for me, but I think people are more likely to comment if you pose some question or point to them at the end of your story.
 
7 days to write/submit, 2 days of voting, 5 days to recharge.

sounds fine.

I suppose it depends on whether you want the maximum number of participants every round or if you have another goal in mind.

I would personally prefer the chance to write more frequently. If I happen to be too busy one week, then I miss it and wait for the next one. I personally have no problem with that.

Of course, more frequent challenges will mean fewer participants on average so that has to be taken into account. But given the choice between 1 challenge a month and 2 challenges a month (1 every two weeks), I would choose 2 per month. And really 1000 words should not be exhausting to any writer, imo.
 
Oldschoolgamer said:
I just changed my avatar from Alyx to Integra. I'm the one in the nanimo thread. :lol Oh, I really liked your piece in this. And, this too would be my first time writing since the nanimo thing. I really, really, really need to go back and edit it...
Click to expand...
Oh right, you're already in here. Actually, despite the avatar, I remembered that you had done NaNo when I read your piece last week (which I also liked, incidentally). I guess I had a brain fart when I posted just now. :lol

Aaron said:
I think if people want feedback they should be a bit specific in what aspect they're most concerned with. There were so many stories it was hard to do a general comment of any one for me, but I think people are more likely to comment if you pose some question or point to them at the end of your story.
Click to expand...
Yeah, definitely. The more specific you are in regards to feedback, the more specific we can be. Otherwise it'll tend towards more general, hand-wavy stuff. We can do that too, of course, but it doesn't sound like what you're asking for.
 
About the five days to 'recharge': doesn't that mean we have two challenges a month? =(

I'm also using this to get writing again, and IMO, we should have three/four challenges a month, just to keep things going at a regular pace. Some people may want to sit out the third challenge that month, but that's fine.
 
Just a thought, but we're not really writing while we're voting. Why not make it 7 days for submissions, 2 days of voting, and say, 3-5 days of nothing (I say that because really, I think 5 days is enough, especially if you're an early submitter, but if you need a full 7 days then even if you submit your story on the last day and we went with 5 days of recharging it would BE a total of 7 days)
 
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