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[Aaron]

Votes :

1- Tangent
2- Mike Works
3- Cyan

 

[Sober]

Aaron - Sumo boxing isn't actually a thing yet? Nifty concept, really liked the ending too.

En-ou - I feel like that long paragraph flashback could've been split into two. Felt a bit unwieldy and it doesn't seem like it would ruin the pacing if it were. Other than that, it was a nice story but the ending feels awkward to me, maybe because the story up until the end doesn't really imply any finality between the main character and Ameillya.

Bombadil - Man that rape scene was a little uncomfortable to read. The final scene was a little odd but I guess the final line said it all.

FairyD - Damn, that was depressing and hits really close to home But I enjoyed it. Ever had plans to write the other point of view, Calsi's I mean?

Bootaaay - Always love your style, definitely enjoyed how superstition becomes real all of a sudden.

Elfforkusu - I thought it was well-written. It wasn't really the sci-fi setting that put me off but the only character seemed a bit faceless even when comparing/contrasting it to a computer, which is what I can only guess was what you were going for.

SquiddyBiscuit - Fantastic ending, that final line is perfect.

Tangent - Felt it could've maybe used something more out of his reminiscing, like trying to pass on his creativity to his children.

ZeroRay - That was an interesting fight scene but I kinda wish I knew exactly why it came down to a fight. Their spat was a bit vague so I don't really understand how an impromptu girl's fight club would've fixed anything but their frustrations.

Ashes - Liked the chatter between the guys, I was kind of going for that with my story too but mine came out half-baked. Then it got more serious but that was good too.

Cyan - Odd premise to have someone saying he didn't do anything illegal but has to in order to avoid the police.

Mike Works - Don't know what to feel about the ending, it just kinda ended abruptly and I guess was purposely vague about what happened with his sister in that case? Did she turn, I'm guessing? The 'ohshit' factor worked out okay though.

Votes:
1. FairyD
2. Bootaaay
3. SquiddyBiscuit

HMs: Aaron, Bombadil, Tangent, Ashes

 

[Tangent]

I, and probably others, associate boreness with the feeling that time feels stretched out as everything seem to take forever when you’re bored. A good way of making this exciting is to look at another situation in which time is stretched out – slow motion in movies.
So try to basically write your story, or segments of it, as if it’s in slo-motion – with a lot of attention to minor details that become major as time is slowed down (the ticking of a clock for an example, facial expressions, heart beat, etc) and loads of introspection and narration.

Hmm, that's a good idea, thanks! Totally makes sense.


Crits:
Bombadil – Food Court: each paragraph had a few sentences in the middle that were memorable and vivid. However, I felt that it was hard to connect the pieces between each paragraph. It was also difficult to get a sense of the setting initially – maybe some world-building would help. But the story itself was very vivid and action-packed. You do well in describing action.

FairyD – Craigslist acquaintance: How sad and frustrating. I wonder if it would be fun to do a two-part narrative—one in the voice of the MC and one in the voice of Calsi. But even without that, it was great. The only thing is that I wonder if there is a way to do more “showing” of the recollection of events.

Bootaaay – In a Cat’s Eye: Really great descriptions and attention-grabbing opening. The pace kept up throughout. I wonder if it would have been good to get the cat’s perspective! But maybe it was good that there was a bit of mystery to that cat.

Elfforkusu – Here Comes the Sun: Great title.  While I usually love super short stories, I’m wondering if you might want to explore stretching this out a little. At the same time, I think you wanted to keep things a bit mysterious.

Squiddy Biscuit – Salvation: I really liked your topic and your mix of narration and dialog. There were times that I got confused with the intentions of the supporting character as well as the series of events, but it sounds like another round with this story would really polish that up.

Sober – Backed Into a Corner/Barricade: I tend to like brief titles (I think), but if you’re looking for feedback on titles, I think that in this case, I like “Backed Into a Corner.” Great use of quick dialog and I liked how the scene shifted back and forth. There were times that I got confused with which chemical co. wanted what. But maybe that’s me – I’ve never been good at keeping track of a lot of characters/entities.

Sorry I don’t have crits up for I Push Fat Kids, Aaron, En-ou, ZeroRay, Ashes, Cyan, MikeWorks.

Votes:
1. Mike Works (I can’t believe you pulled a zombie story off! And brave of you to try.)
2. Aaron
3. Ashes

 

[Cyan]

Votes:
1. Aaron - "Show Match" - Tight read. Didn't feel like 2500 words. I wanted the other guy to win, though.
2. Bombadil - "Food Court" - Terrific setup, though it fizzled a bit at the end. I wanted a bit more meat, more punch.
3. Tangent - "Coffee" - My God, this reads just like my day at the office. That's... kind of depressing. I actually think this worked better than if you had made the reader feel bored.

HM:
Ashes1396 - "Dead Languages" - Loved the beginning, loved the characters. The change to sci-fi/fantastical midway through totally threw me.

Mike Works - Zombie story - I'm assuming this was ineligible. Great, taut prose. Well done on keeping the tension cranked. Liked it despite being about zombies, and I want to know what happens next! Wasn't sold on the bit with the snake. Just... didn't feel right to me. Actually I was convinced he was gonna wake up and the fire would be lit. Though I'm not sure if that's better; I'm just not feeling the snake.


Edit: n/m, tidypub went back up.

Crits available on request.

 

[ZeroRay]

Unfortunately don't have time to write crits since I'm working on a project. Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my story!

1. Aaron
2. Bootaaay
3. Cyan

 

[British Monsoon]

1. Aaron
2. Bombadil
3. Cyan

HM; En-ou, Elfforkusu, Sober, Tangent, Ashes1396

 

[SquiddyCracker]

1st (3 pts)
Tangent - Coffee
2nd (2 pts)
Aaron - Show Match
3rd (1 pt)
FairyD - Craigslist Acquaintances

Aaron - 1

Squiddybiscuit - 2

Cyan -3

Votes :

1- Tangent
2- Mike Works
3- Cyan

Votes:
1. FairyD
2. Bootaaay
3. SquiddyBiscuit

HMs: Aaron, Bombadil, Tangent, Ashes

Votes:
1. Mike Works (I can’t believe you pulled a zombie story off! And brave of you to try.)
2. Aaron
3. Ashes

Votes:
1. Aaron - "Show Match" - Tight read. Didn't feel like 2500 words. I wanted the other guy to win, though.
2. Bombadil - "Food Court" - Terrific setup, though it fizzled a bit at the end. I wanted a bit more meat, more punch.
3. Tangent - "Coffee" - My God, this reads just like my day at the office. That's... kind of depressing. I actually think this worked better than if you had made the reader feel bored.

1. Aaron
2. Bootaaay
3. Cyan

1. Aaron
2. Bombadil
3. Cyan

Aaron - 3, 3, 3, 2, 2, 1 = 14 points
Tangent - 3, 3, 1 = 7 points
Mike Works - 3, 2 =5 points
Bombadil - 2, 2 = 4 points
Cyan - 1, 1, 1, 1 = 4 points
Bootaaay - 2, 2 = 4 points
FairyD - 3, 1 = 4 points
Squiddybiscuit - 2, 1 = 3 points
Ashes - 1 = 1 points

Hope you guys don't mind, but I've compiled all the votes just so we can get the next contest started seeing as it's already tuesday

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Eh, Ashes is banned... so I guess I'll pronounce Aaron the winner?
Everyone okay with that?

 

[Aaron]

Since the guy running this show got himself banned, it'll have to do in place of an official count. New topic is now up:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=484785

 

[Cyan]

Congrats, Aaron! Now I really want to see a match like that.

Anyone know what happened to Ashes?

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Congrats, Aaron! Now I really want to see a match like that.

Anyone know what happened to Ashes?

Nothing ban worthy in his last couple of posts from what I can see, so it could be a voluntary ban for one reason or another.

 

[Aaron]

Nothing ban worthy in his last couple of posts from what I can see, so it could be a voluntary ban for one reason or another.

There was some heated talk in the hajib thread, but nothing I thought was ban worthy.

 

[Tangent]

Congrats, Aaron!