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[Aaron]

Thanks for the comments.

Votes:
1- Mike Works
2- DumbNameD
3- SquiddyBiscuit

SquiddyBiscuit - Little confused by who is who in the beginning. Nice twist at the ending, but I wish it had been a little more than pure conversation.

Lone_Prodigy - It's sweet, but I'd much rather have the story within a story actually be the story, instead of being told second hand.

DumbNameD - Your word counter must work on faith. Great little epic though.

Sober - Don't think you needed to go over the word limit, since I think it would have been better to be tighter and neater. It's hard to follow when it's all over the place. It would have been better if you had focused just on a few specific moments.

Tangent - I'm so lost at the start. You don't set the table for the reader here. Dumping all this conversation on the reader is harsh with little to no narrative context to bind it together.

Cyan - It's a well constructed office story, but something about it just doesn't grab me. I think there's something about a snark narrator that immediately kills my interest. There was a show Dead Like Me that I couldn't watch for the same reason.

Mike Works - Lovingly described, it paints character and setting with the same brush. I would have liked a little more movement, but I always want a little more movement.

 

[Cyan]

Sober - "Proscription" - Good work on worldbuilding, on character-building, on getting everything established such that the ending would actually mean something. I would've liked to see a bit more of the MC's transformation, of what brought him from being close friends with the other dude to being willing to shoot him in the head. The falling-out didn't really feel completely real; I suppose the love triangle goes a way toward explaining it, but that feels a little cheap.

Tangent - "At the Dinner Table" - Oh man, the bit where the kid marches his toy across the table, then has it stare at his dad--I was laughing, but it's also pretty awesome. I had a similar problem here as with some other stories, where a certain important element was established late and so jarred with what was already built up in my mind--in this case, the little boy's age. I thought high school from the opening bit about running for school president, then revised it downward with the bit about a pool on the school roof, but not quite far enough. You might drop it in there earlier; his age and attendant naivete is pretty important to the story.

Mike Works - "Fishing for Seagulls" - Great opening hook, and the description of the beach is lyrical and lovely. It's a pretty slow burn though, the whole time through the story. It's quite personal to the MC, and while it's an interesting character study, it doesn't feel like there's a lot at stake. The odd juxtaposition of a guy in a suit doing wacky shit because his ancestor was a futurist makes for some good opportunities for imagery, but don't really capture me. The opening hook isn't enough; it doesn't pay off until over halfway through the story, and by then I've managed to spit it out, unset. Ultimately, I'm not sure what the point of the story is--is it about ancestry? The future? Children being left unattended? The ability to go out and do something wacky just for the sake of seeing what happens? I almost feel like the story ends too late, like the little girl running off with her new "kite" is where it should end, but I suppose it depends on what you're trying to do here.

 

[Cyan]

Votes:
1. Mike Works - "Fishing for Seagulls"
2. Sober - "Proscription"
3. Aaron - "Tell it Like it Is"

HM: Tangent

 

[Tangent]

Man...I really gotta get better at not leaving my reading til the last minute so I can give better crits (or in this case, any crits). The shame! In contrast, thank you very much for the crits; they are immensely helpful. Good point about too much dialog and not enough setting (including ages!). I forget that what's in my head is not apparent to all.

Votes:
1. MikeWorks
2. SquiddyBiscuit
3. Cyan
HM: Aaron, LoneProdigy

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

Aaron - I think it took a little too long to get going. I didn't know it was a footballer until a few paragraphs in. I don't think the last sentence was necessary.

SquiddyBiscuit - I can see what you're trying to do here, but it needs some polish. Some grammar and spelling mistakes and I couldn't quite follow the conversation. You might want to flesh it out a bit more. Yes it's the future, but slingers, terratects, etc. are a lot to understand in a short piece.

DumbNameD - I have no experience critiquing poetry, but yours seems pretty good. I think you could've ended it differently though. The two men seemed identical until the end.

Sober - I think you could've spent more time on the friendship between Jonah and Alexander. It started out that way, but then turned into a civil war, and since you spent all that time on the friendship, neither character got much development.

Tangent - I didn't think Edward was a little kid until later. But you captured the essence of a dinner table well.

Cyan - I got a serious "Office" vibe from this. Nice.

Mike Works - heavy stuff.

1. Tangent
2. Cyan
3. Mike Works

 

[DumbNameD]

1. Aaron
2. Mike Works
3. Tangent

 

[Aaron]

Here are the results:

Mike Works = 15
Cyan = 9
Aaron = 7
Tangent = 6
Sober = 3
Lone Prodigy = 3
SquiddyBiscuit = 3
DumbNameD = 2

So pretty much a blowout.

 

[Cyan]

Congrats, Mr. Works! And hey, everyone voted!

 

[Mike Works]

Thanks dudes, and thanks to the people who critiqued. I'm definitely conscious of the areas where the criticism is coming from (in terms of not enough action and perhaps context), but I was really stoked after I saw Aaron's secondary objective, since I've never written a short story that essentially takes place all in one setting. It was a struggle to work with, and I'm definitely going to attack it again in the near future.

Congrats to everyone who submitted and voted! Let's keep up the pace with the next contest, which I'll post before I go to bed.

 

[Mike Works]

New challenge is up!