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[Ward]

SirIgbyCeasar - "no title"
This cool back and forth- creation, good and evil is all intertwined and some kind of song and dance. But I felt the last half wasn't as strong as the first. The whole thing needed a polish.

Iceman - "Ruf'f Affault or the Furrender of the Felf"
Alright.... uh, yeah. An intriguing setup, always a fan of spleens.

Chainsawkitten - "On Beauty"
Edmund Burke vibe.
Less a story and more some kind of concept. I like your prose, though it seems to complicate a simple plot.
It ended too abruptly and too quietly. I was hoping for some kind of cannibal trickery ending. One of those 'gotcha' endings.

John Dunbar - "To make an end"
I don't know why I always think of your story 'Robot John', but such it is.
I'm thinking how the beginning is lacking, nothing to grab the reader, then I get to the last sentence. Wait... what? I'd still shorten that first paragraph though.
A small concern, but this alley. How can Susan approach from the street and be blocked in by Big Jim? The story doesn't state she walked across him, so I would imagine her exit is open. Minor quibble.
I'm not quite sure what issue you were trying to expound with exaggeration. I wondered if it was a commentary on Roe v. Wade, but that didn't seem to go anywhere.

multivac - "The National Color"
I get a file has been deleted or moved message.
edit:
formatting seems strange. is this a pdf conversion issue?
'the canvases are the wrong size' was a bit jarring since there was no mention of them being brought into the room. I had to stop and see if I missed something.
A painting in only an hour? I'd say that's hard for someone on speed, much less someone malnourished. I assume it's a lifelike image and not interpretation.
I was expecting more of a lead up, the regulators checking on her progress everyday as an image slowly unfolded, all the while she is fooling them.
'She rested' felt completely unnecessary. Did the director not notice her dead or not care? Either way it should be addressed. Did he not realize the bucket was full of blood? It would be hard to miss an arm sliced from crook to wrist and put it together. I can buy him not caring, if it was mentioned.

Great last line. It creates such a great image.
Great concept and really good imagery. There are just a few loose ends that stretch my suspension of disbelief.


MikeM - "Maintenance Work"
Nice prose, though you get a little wordy.
Very small comment that doesn't really affect the story, the glowing green exit signs the only light in the corridor, I would imagine to be technically inaccurate. Assuming the building has been built in the last twenty years, which I assume so with 'green exit signs'. By code, egress lights remain on so that people can escape at night even with the lights off. Just a 'the more you know' comment.
Great plot, it's a lot of fun and it's paced well. Overall great vibe and visuals.
Last paragraph was perfect.

Well crafted, this easily could have been much worse in a lesser author's hands.
It's a funny/fun story, though it's impact is reduced by 'Men in Black' and 'The Adjustment Bureau' coming before you.

Tangent - "Zero Understanding"
Like the 'voice' of your story. You capture a dog's attitude perfectly. It's hard not to like the dog.
I wish the ending was stronger. Some great dog insight or the resolution of a problem. Something along the lines of the dog answering the question of what the boy did during the day would have been a nice ending and and additional moment of the dogs insight would have helped reinforced how for all the dog doesn't know, it is still more insightful than most humans.

Nezumi - "Before the Battle"
Great goblin reveal, you start with weird name and then drop in the species nonchalant.
Kruzak has one eye, which helps me keep the characters straight, but I'd like that amount of detail on all of them. The master, the emperor, the gift... more world building would help.
The ending felt a bit weak when Grewl was just going to sleep, the revelation of the gift just adds bewilderment.

Ashes1396 - "order unto chaos"
She exhaled instead of breathed out works better for me.
The principal doesn't have the voice of the principal. I get the principal is tired, maybe the action descriptors would fix it for me. Somehow there needs to be a clearer distinction.
The ending was too subdued. A commentary on the role of teachers, the state of the world, and the means to an end. How it ended isn't a problem, I just wanted a harder hitting parting thought.

Cyan - "On a Fine Spring Morning They Came"
Wow, great pacing, setting. Great ending. Great action in the story, it never felt slow or like too much talking. The build up to the end was great, with a great finishing line. You left the ending open, but framed it so that the outcome clearly rests with the reader.


VOTES:
1 'On a Fine Spring Morning They Came' Cyan
2 'Maintenance Work' MikeM
3 'Zero Understanding' Tangent
HM 'order unto chaos' Ashes1396; 'On Beauty' Chainsawkitten; 'The National Color' multivac

 

[multivac]

Sorry Ward, I thought everyone had read so I moved some files around. I edited my original post with a working link if you're still interested.

 

[Cyan]

It's interesting that a lot of the stories from you guys featured women as victims in someway or another. If I were interested in gender studies or a feminist I would have a field day with this. Luckily I'm neither.

Damn it!

Sorry Ward, I thought everyone had read so I moved some files around. I edited my original post with a working link if you're still interested.

Still not working for me. :/

 

[Cyan]

SirIgbyCeasar - "no title" - Had a hard time following this. Part of that is the short, jerky sentences, part of it is the lack of line breaks, and part of it is that I'm not sure there's something to follow. I enjoyed some of the language, though.

Iceman - "Ruf'f Affault or the Furrender of the Felf" - Funny, but I alfo would have liked if there were fomething more to it than the gimmick.

Chainsawkitten - "On Beauty" - Well that's terrifying. Wonderfully written. Can't help feeling like I've seen this sort of story before from you. I think in some places the language is a bit of a distraction; it might benefit from some, er, cutting. Otherwise I'd say start submitting this to horror mags. Hell, get it to 1000 and submit it as a flash piece.

John Dunbar - "To make an end" - That's interesting, innit. A bold and risky choice here--I wouldn't show it to anyone you know in real life. I will say that while I liked the concept a lot, the execution could've used some work. For one thing, the infodump midway through of the professor and so on was unnecessary. It doesn't really matter *why* things became as they are, just that they are that way. And the latter can be picked up easily from context.

MikeM - "Maintenance Work" - Lordy. It took me waaaaay longer than it should have to realize that was an actual baboon, and not, like, a metaphor for a big muscly idiot. Pretty sure that one's on me, though. Er, anyway. Other than that, cool story. I like the concept of the Status Quo team making sure everything stays the way it ought to. The ending was a little anticlimactic, but it works fine.

 

[multivac]

Still not working for me. :/

Hm, it's working for me.. Here is an alternate link, same password, and the original link, just in case.


OK, time for some critiques!

SirIgbyCeasar - "no title" - If this is prose, I have to call out some of the ill-formed sentences. If it's poetry, then it sounded great! I enjoyed the imagery to be found in this short piece, the lion metaphors in particular.

Iceman - "Ruf'f Affault or the Furrender of the Felf" - Once I made it past the letter F, I found an interesting start to a story that left me wondering what came next.

Chainsawkitten - "On Beauty" - I was initially becoming listless during the opening paragraphs, but then there was Him. This is a strange piece, no doubt, but the writing is so interesting that I can't help but love it, even if I had to read it twice to fully understand it! That is the major point of contention for me. This is a difficult piece to grasp on a first read, and I can't imagine writing a standard three-act plot in this style. However, as a meditation on the psyche of a single, disturbed character, it succeeds brilliantly.

John Dunbar - "To Make an End" - I originally thought the final line of the first paragraph was meant to be some character quirk until I made it halfway through the first page and you took it all the way. An interesting idea to be sure, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was taken too far past reality (though I realize you're going for satire), especially seeing as how it seemed only women were subject to this new rule of society, based on the description of the badge and the focus on pregnancy. Jimmy was quite the character, and I loved the television interview segment, which I felt was very well executed, and the transition into a very appropriate ending. Really enjoyed it!

MikeM - "Maintenance Work" - I am fully aware this may be merely a personal failure, but the heady vocabulary of the first sentence threw me off right from the start. It gave me an expectation of more of the same, which colored my first read through. My second was much more pleasurable. I mention this because many will have only that first experience, and so I feel it is a worthy critique. The prose was so solid that I could not find much else to critique. I was very taken by the imagery in the story, "bench-pressing Buicks" being my standout favorite. The plot sparked my imagination, especially in the way of further adventures for the Status Quo. I saw your post about coming back to them in the future, and I'll be excited to read it!

Tangent - "Zero Understanding" - I loved the child-like understanding of Zero, but sometimes his knowledge would suddenly be near-omniscient and I was pulled from the story for a moment to consider why he would know that. For example, a favorite line is the one about how all of the animals should be asleep at twilight, a humorous observation from a dog, and his intent to tell the bird to go to sleep by barking at it. Then, such as when Milo comes home, Zero seems to know things he has no business knowing by smelling Milo, such as the fact that he was brought to see the principal (how does he know what the principal's breath smells like?). Now, once I passed the things about Milo at the beginning of the story and get into Zero's head, I simply couldn't stop reading. The voice of Zero when he would go off on a tangent like a curious child was very endearing, and I loved it everytime. I was worried as I approached the end that Jack was going to lose his temper and harm Zero in some way, so you definitely made me care for the character. Finally, what an excellent title!

Nezumi - "Before the Battle" - My biggest problems are the various spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as a few odd word arrangements, such as "So why you're being all upset all the sudden?". That could be the character's speaking style, but he speaks relatively normally otherwise. However, these things are much more easily fixed than storytelling errors, and could have simply been made in haste, so I won't dwell on them. I wonder if Orpo was a necessary character, and what he was meant to contribute to the story, since he often just seemed like Krzuak number two aside from some comic relief. I loved the description of the young goblins dancing around the fire, it definitely evoked an image in my mind. I looked forward to other instances of setting and backstory after reading that. The dialogue was quick and easy to read, and I liked following along with Grewl's reluctance to continue their seemingly hopeless war against the conflict of his companions' blind allegiance. Nice story!

Ashes1396 - "order unto chaos" - I think that sometimes the headmistress felt a little too much like one of the girls. That said, I also thought that she and the girls had wonderful personalities. There were some sentences I found a little awkward, such as "When she got to the house, she saw by the shadows cast on the yellow window, the drunkard enter the living room." You have an economy of words that I think serves you well, but may also be contributing to these phrases being difficult to parse. I very much enjoyed the interplay between the girls, and their eagerness to fight amongst themselves up until they are threatened by an outside force. I also enjoyed seeing the father get what was coming to him, something I can't seem to do in many of my own stories! The dialogue throughout the story was right on the mark, and I enjoyed reading it through a couple of times!

Cyan - "On a Fine Spring Morning They Came" - Your story was the hardest for me to find worthwhile critiques about. The quickness to violence the soldiers displayed was jarring after reading about the quiet, self-sustaining town. If I had seen the soldiers' excessive, unrepentant action first, I would have easily envisioned a police state instead. That may be the juxtaposition you were aiming for, but I just thought it hard to see their way of life so unscathed under such seemingly authoritative rule. I also thought that perhaps the shooting of Karl was a little abrupt. It lessened the tension of Hein's moment of truth since I figured if he were going to be shot, the guy would just do it (or did it intensify my tension since I knew that Judith had better make a quick decision? I don't know anymore!) As far as what I liked, just about everything else. The characters were unique in personality, motivation, and speaking style. In fact, I feel I could have read the piece without dialogue tags. I was genuinely intrigued by the plot and how they were going to get Curt out of his mess, as well as his reasons for getting into it. The entire story seemed to build and build, culminating in a wonderfully ambiguous ending. This is my top pick for this challenge!


Everyone submitted fantastic stories, and I regret that I can only select three.

Votes:
1. Cyan - "On a Fine Spring Morning They Came"
2. Chainsawkitten - "On Beauty"
3. Tangent - "Zero Understanding"

 

[Tangent]

Crits:

SirIgbyCeasier – “no title” – So poetic! But uh, considering I’m not very good with poetry, I don’t have much to say to this… I guess I’ll say this: I like the word choice but if trying to make a story, it’d be helpful to have more of a flow of a storyline.
Iceman – “Ruf’f Affault or the Furrender of the Felf” – Good picture, but what happens next? I think we should all start talking with “f” sounds everywhere where there should be an “s.”

Chainsawkitten – “On Beauty” – Wow this was very well written and it had a great flow. I like your dark, twisted style. But one thing I wanted to know was why the main character had an “off the beaten path” type of attraction. It would have helped to deepen her character.

John Dunbar – “To Make an End” – Wow another twisted and weird world. I really liked how you portrayed this. Sometimes, I find it challenging to provide information without writing in a dry voice. But the TV report style worked absolutely perfectly and the transition to it was seamless. The opening of the story was great – in fact, there was so much you could do with that opening description of Susan and her intentions. It was golden.

Multivac – “The National Color” – This very much reminded me of 1984, a book I really like. I liked how you portrayed the subject matter and I liked the flashback. I wonder though, in order to make your story unique from this general theme, I wonder if you could have gotten more into why art was such a tool of rebellion or why it was so important to the government or how the MC viewed her own art more… or something like that. Otherwise, very well done. (Although I wonder if they were trying to trick her to say that she needed to turn a landscape canvas to a portrait one!)

MikeM – “Maintenance Work” – I know I like a story when I’m in anticipation and get frustrated with a shaking fist at the frustration of it all! Well done. Though it seemed unrealistic that Lucy would lay out exactly what was going on to suspicious, threatening people (and baboons). Originally, I thought Dr. Howard was trying to boot her presence out so that he could take the Nobel all for himself, rather than include a graduate student. It’s happened before and it can happen again. I really liked the ending, and the description of the Status Quo group. It vaguely reminded me of The Mysterious Benedict Society. Well-fitting to the theme.

Nezumi – “Before the Battle” – I really liked your choice of characters to reflect upon a theme of the “why” in battle, if that’s what you were going for. And I like how you described all the goblins. For some reason, I thought that the description of eating semi-rotten meat would somehow manifest itself later in the story, like the MC puking up deer at a pivotal point!

Ashes1396 – “order unto chaos” – Wow this was a very fun piece to read. I liked the irony to the headmistress saying, “Why must women be of the weaker sex” like it was such a drag or a nuisance. The last sentence was well done. I also liked the line “All the men in the world will be sent to their deaths.” There sure is a lot of man-hating. There were some things I was a little confused about, but I think that’s me. Great dialog, and I liked the personality of the 3 girls. The personality of the headmistress seemed elusive in the beginning but maybe that’s actually well-fitting.

Cyan – “On a Fine Spring Morning They Came” – Wow. Extremely well done. I loved the building up at the very end. That kind of anticipation is hard for me to create so I admire it when I read it. Parts of it reminded me of Uncle Tom’s Cabin. I liked the conversation you put in between Curt and his mother. Even though it had existential or philosophical tones to it, it didn’t seem out of place despite the urgency to figure out what to do in the moment. I thought it was so absurd and spooky when you wrote “they both laughed, long and hard and full of nerves.” Seemed a little psycho! I read that line over 3x or so! I could feel the tension that Judith had in the end… very well done. A part of me wanted to know more about Hein, but I also thought it was appropriate for him to simply be known as “Judith’s husband” – after all, it was just his relation to Judith that mattered.

Votes:
Wow, these were great stories to read. I think the prompt and the secondary worked really well together and produced a great variety. Hard to vote! Nice job everyone!

1. MikeM -- "Maintenance Work"
2. Cyan – “On a Fine Spring Morning They Came”
3. Ashes1396 – “order unto chaos”
HM: Nezumi, Chainsawkitten

 

[Cyan]

multivac - "The National Color" - Ah, very nice dystopian story. I didn't expect the minor twist that the head dictator was secretly powerless. As for the ending, well, my first thought was that surely that wouldn't actually work for a painting, which perhaps says more than I'd wish about me as a reader. I actually thought it worked really well, though it struck a false note when the dude just assumed the words were a signature. He seemed way too controlling for that! Also, it'd really twist the knife if he found the words and blotted them out. Just a thought.

Tangent - "Zero Understanding" - Haha, nice title. Great POV work in this story. But I think you could've gone even further! There were a few bits where it didn't feel like the dog talking (the linguistics bit, for one ) and I think you could've maybe changed his constant thinking about how he's a pack animal to thinking that Kevin or Milo or whoever is his pack.

Nezumi - "Before the Battle" - Aww, poor Grewl. I like the concept here, of taking the part of a philosophical evil minion. I had a little trouble keeping track of the characters, and it maybe could've used a bit more conflict. What was there was enjoyable, though.

Ashes1396 - "order unto chaos" - A nice snippet of a tale. As always, your characters and their relationships are rockin. Some nice turns of phrase ("the afternoon sun was quietly swept away"). My only real complaint is that there was a lack of clarity as to what was going on with the girls. They fought the bullies, then fought among themselves? Was the sameness of their stories meant to imply collusion of some sort? It seems like maybe the ending was meant to be a reveal--they were actually fighting each other earlier--but it falls a little flat due to the lack of clarity.


Votes:
1. multivac - "The National Color"
2. Chainsawkitten - "On Beauty"
3. Ashes1396 - "order unto chaos"

HM: MikeM

 

[Mike M]

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner:

1st: Cyan - 10pts
2nd: Ashes - 9pts
3rd: Mike M and Tangent -7 points

 

[Ashes]

woops. nm...

Cyan wins on 13pts if you'd add my votes..

congrats cyan. Been a while red wizard.

 

[Nezumi]

Congrats Cyan! Looking Forward to the next thread.

Spoiler

Deadline has to be 03.05.

 

[multivac]

Congratulations Cyan!

 

[Cyan]

Thanks dudes!

Here's the new challenge. Hehehe: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545700