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[Mike M]

Thanks for the feedback Mike.



Fair points, I'll try to clean that up.



It was a normal dream. The temporary "glitch" was trying to represent her assailants swapping over her oxygen canister to an empty one, hence forcing her to wake and enter the code for the lockbox. I guess I didn't get the balance quite right with explaining all that.

Ah, that would go a long ways towards clarifying how she would have made such a "mistake" despite the fact that the story emphasised the caution she took about it.

If I might impose, those issues aside last entry you commented on my work needing more copy editing. Since I respect your skills in the area could you give any tips on a difference this time? I did put more effort into that at least.

Honestly, the only thing that leaped out at me was "brightly colour bird" when I think you meant "brightly coloured bird." Outside of that, not a whole lot of technical errors that I saw. I would have done a few commas differently, but I don't know if they were errors in their own right.

I went back and reread last thread's entry and my commentary, and I would say that one did have more errors, but minor stuff. Like a period outside of a quotation mark at one point, missing a comma at the end of a sentence of dialog at another. Honestly if I were to write up a critique today having read it for the first time, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it at all. It's an improvement, but your baseline wasn't exactly terrible to start with.

Mike M:

My main issue funnily enough was the first line or so "Just wanted to let you know that I saw you today, but of course I can’t for the obvious reasons." I tripped over this line quite a few times and it stuck with me as I entered into the story proper because I'm not sure if I was reading it wrong.

Heh, that was actually an improvement over its original tortured phrasing.

From there, I really enjoyed it. It seemed to be a much darker tone with deeper characters than previous things I've read from you. I actually like this style quite a bit more.

I'm honestly kind of surprised by that, I felt it could have used considerable more work in numerous areas (for instance the final paragraph is far from elegant). I didn't do much in the way of revision on this one, in part from lack of time and also in part because this was honestly just a fallback story idea when my first one spent way to much time getting started.

 

[toddhunter]

I went back and reread last thread's entry and my commentary, and I would say that one did have more errors, but minor stuff. Like a period outside of a quotation mark at one point, missing a comma at the end of a sentence of dialog at another. Honestly if I were to write up a critique today having read it for the first time, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it at all. It's an improvement, but your baseline wasn't exactly terrible to start with.

Thanks, if nothing else want to keep trying to get better.

I'm honestly kind of surprised by that, I felt it could have used considerable more work in numerous areas (for instance the final paragraph is far from elegant). I didn't do much in the way of revision on this one, in part from lack of time and also in part because this was honestly just a fallback story idea when my first one spent way to much time getting started.

It certainly needed work, but I got swept up in it which always makes those sorts of things neither here nor there. The irony of the opening line I struggled with is it did help grab my attention and invested me from sorting it out

Having said that, I did just watch the video of the Silent Hill mod so that was probably also helpful to put me in the mood for what you were putting across.

 

[Aaron]

Votes:
1- Cyan
2- multivac
3- Ashes1396

Comments:

Atticus Forrest - While this story has a good arc to it. I think the length is about right. You don't give me enough to invest in the character. I need to know him better for the end to have the impact it needs.

kaepernickehs - It's a little too manic for a lack of a better word. With all the details cranked to 11 they become a bit like noise and wash the story out.

toddhunter - While the background and descriptive detail is really good, you spend so many words on it that the heart of the story is left wanting. There aren't enough details about this woman, her dead daughter, and this odd dream state.

GRW810 - You cheat with 'he wouldn't make it.' If it had been the father instead of the mother you might have gotten away with it, but the deception just feels sort of silly. I think you should have just told a straight story about a soldier coming home. The 'twist' just undermines everything that comes before it.

ElectricBlanketFire - I wish I got a sense of who the narrator is speaking to. A name and a few little details would have helped to solidify it, but it's a nice piece regardless. It speaks as much about the narrator as it does the album.

SquiddyCracker - You have a great start, but things aren't quite explained before you hit this odd amnesia set up that comes across as way too confusing for what it's worth. The contents you have here are very interesting, but with the jumps in POV it's hard to make sense of it all.

Mike M - It was a great story for me right up until the supernatural angle, and then the impact of it just fell away for me. Then tension of something that could be real turned into fantasy.

Tangent - I find it a little hard to believe that a man who died post humans having the concept of war would be the first to wanting to remain as he was. Have you met many humans? Some of them are crazy. Also, while this is a plesant story, I wish it had started with the man and his peg leg dancing and then brought to heaven. Being out of sequence hurts more than helps.

Valerie Cherish - While there's a solid story here, the writing is confused and unfocused. It needs a revision to give the narration a clear progression.

Sober - It's probably the restraints of the word count, but the story is too thin on character details, motivations, and much of the set up. Reading it feels like walking into a movie when it's halfway over, and they've already done all their setup.

hey_monkey - Vivid descriptions, but nearly ends before it begins. I don't think his death should be kept for the end or anything, but I hoped it would resolve into something other than a lingering memory.

Nezumi - I think this an amazing story told the wrong way. You have a series of great beats, but the narration is too distant and detached. It needs to be much closer to the character and more real in its events so it can have the experience of what this man goes through.

Cyan - This is great. Shame it's unfinished. It does so much just right in how it builds the story and the characters while sprinkling in the little background details. It's never overbearing and it's never sparse either.

multivac - I enjoyed the dark fantasy, but having the bit with the sister near the middle felt jarring, and breaks the mood. I would have rather had Elina heading into the forest and while she's cautiously entering with sword dragged along, she's angry and reflects on her conversation with her sister. Also, considering she's nine the ankle seemed unnecessary.

Ashes1396 - I think the opening paragraph harms the story because I kept waiting for it to come back to it, not that it needs to come back to it, and it never did. It was a distraction your story didn't need.

 

[Ashes]

Ashes1396 - I think the opening paragraph harms the story because I kept waiting for it to come back to it, not that it needs to come back to it, and it never did. It was a distraction your story didn't need.

I know. But it's in line with mental health issues that go unnoticed such as the stereotypical drunken author.

 

[toddhunter]

Realised I missed Aaron's entry so have added him to my votes.

Really liked the world building and appreciated the work that went into it. Only issue was I did want to know about why things are the way they are in that world.

I was assuming some sort of commentary on "humanisation" behind the scenes. Perhaps the reverse effect would be interesting to explore too?

 

[Aaron]

Realised I missed Aaron's entry so have added him to my votes.

Really liked the world building and appreciated the work that went into it. Only issue was I did want to know about why things are the way they are in that world.

This probably wouldn't work in reality, but my idea was the planet has a severely elliptical orbit, so half the year the oceans recede and partly turn to ice, and in the summer when the orbit is closer to their sun, that ice thaws and the seas come back. So the people evolved to spend part of their time on land, but some are stuck always being from the sea. It was very vaguely inspired by the Left Hand of Darkness, which involves an odd planet and physical transformation.

I was assuming some sort of commentary on "humanisation" behind the scenes. Perhaps the reverse effect would be interesting to explore too?

I honestly don't know what you mean by this word.

 

[toddhunter]

I honestly don't know what you mean by this word.

A play on Americanisation whereby if humans came into contact with this world they would start to adopt characteristics like pop radio stations and the like.

 

[multivac]

Short on time, will try to get some comments up tomorrow.

Votes!

1. Ashes1396
2. toddhunter
3. Mike M

 

[Aaron]

A play on Americanisation whereby if humans came into contact with this world they would start to adopt characteristics like pop radio stations and the like.

I dislike something being alien for the sake of being alien. Radio is broadcasted electrical signals. Chances are that if dolphins had evolved instead of apes, they would have developed radio, and considering their habit for calling to one another, they would develop music. Maybe they would call it something else, but come on that's lame. Science fiction is full of biped aliens that speak accented english, but they call their communicator a kepotch or whatever? Seems silly to me.

I like science fiction best, and Left Hand of Darkness is a good example of this, when the only real differences are the differences that actually matter to the story. For me to gin up my own versions of radio and music would just be a distraction from the story I wanted to tell. By accessing the familiar, hopefully I gain a better understanding and immediacy.

Ian M Banks does this a ton as well. His Culture series is aptly named for a number of reasons.

 

[GRW810]

1. Mike M
2. Atticus Forest
3. Aaron


If I get the chance I'll post feedback because I love honoring the hard work of authors with some comments, but usually by the time I get round to it after a few days everyone has moved on.

And, wow, I bombed hard this time.

 

[Valerie Cherish]

1. multivac - Melody's Song
2. Nezumi - Fade
3. ElectricBlanketFire - Attic Record Review: The Eraser

I'm sorry about the lack of feedback; I dropped the ball this time.

 

[toddhunter]

I dislike something being alien for the sake of being alien. Radio is broadcasted electrical signals. Chances are that if dolphins had evolved instead of apes, they would have developed radio, and considering their habit for calling to one another, they would develop music.

Interesting to think about. I'd still think concepts like the reference to "being a teenager" carry too much weight to be discarded lightly if it is an alien world. After all, alien for the sake of being alien also applies to the beings themselves.

It may be that everything evolves to the same inevitable point, but to me that doesn't necessarily make for a better story.

However I'll certainly check out the examples you listed so I can learn more about the style and concepts.

 

[Nezumi]

Still reading over here. I do plan on voting but might need a couple more hours.

 

[hey_monkey]

And, wow, I bombed hard this time.

Me too, man. Me too.

Trying to finish reading!

 

[GRW810]

Me too, man. Me too.

Trying to finish reading!

This is going to sound bad but this makes me feel better! It happens now and then, sometimes your story just doesn't gel with people or there's simply at least three better than yours.

I always do badly in my own challenges; maybe it's some sort of curse?

 

[Cyan]

Atticus Forest - smooth and evocative prose. I find it hard to connect with a character who finds his own life boring, especially given there was no real relief from that feeling at any point.

Copernicus - great use of imagery, though early on I had some trouble separating metaphor from reality. saw the twist coming. actually, I thought at first it was going to be a wasp or something; I think there was a line about stinging. That was a clever use of the theme.

toddhunter - dream sequences/imagery can be dangerous as it's hard to make the reader care, but I thought this one worked nicely. very confused by the following scene; I had a hard time understanding when and where we were and never really got a grip on it before the story was ended by wholly unknown assailants. If there was a metaphor here, it passed me by.

GRW810 - was a bit confused by the flashback bit. they had known each other before, and then decided to suddenly get married when they met again? I think? Somehow the way this story was set up made the ending feel manipulative. Which is a silly thing to say of a story, since they're all about manipulating our emotions in one way or another. But it was palpable somehow, here.

ElectricBlanketFire - wait, they used Number Munchers sounds? how did I not know that?

SquiddyMuffin - had some confusion with physical bodies vs digital minds and so on, and what was happening where. the main plotline was kind of confusing as well. I didn't really understand why the physical organic component was necessary, or why she had a choice.

Mike M - very confusing when he first started to allude to being a ghost. at first that took the creepiness away, then it raised it to a whole new level. nice.

Tangent - I laughed out loud at the "elf" acronym. Interesting that the next person was deaf, given how some folks within the deaf community think it's important enough to them that they actually hope their children will be born deaf.

Aaron - The alienness of the people in the story was a hindrance. I mean, I liked that aspect, but I didn't understand how the transformation worked quite well enough for the ending to land. At first I thought it was metaphorical, then I realized there was literally a transformation happening, but I never fully grasped it.

Valerie Cherish - the descriptions several times led me to think her ex-husband (boyfriend?) was there when he really wasn't (I think?), so the ending didn't really hit for me. Like, fool me twice, can't get fooled again, y'know? Also it made things kinda confusing.

Sober - some confusion regarding the group, their mission, and the amount of information they seemed to not have. the relationship with the brother felt like it might go somewhere, but then didn't really interest me. we're told the brother's gone through a crucible and changed, but I didn't feel it.

hey_monkey - nice slow build to the reveal with the husband. surprising but well executed. love the use of very specific details.

Nezumi - confused by the reverse deja vu thing and the endless sameness. at first I thought this was a scifi thing. and again confused at the end. having some trouble with metaphors vs reality.

multivac - nitpick, but I want to really feel it when she steps into the forest. I want a big moment. love the furrow the sword leaves in the ground. perfect ending, though I don't think we needed the explanation.

Ashes - autobiographical? it has that feel, but then your stories often do whether or not they really are. lots of nice moments, especially the girls choir and the Mary statue.


Votes:
1. multivac - "Melody's Song"
2. Aaron - "Waiting on High Tide"
3. Ashes1396 - "#Opus 11"

HM: hey_monkey, Mike M

 

[Aaron]

Aaron - The alienness of the people in the story was a hindrance. I mean, I liked that aspect, but I didn't understand how the transformation worked quite well enough for the ending to land. At first I thought it was metaphorical, then I realized there was literally a transformation happening, but I never fully grasped it.

I'm confused you would think it was a metaphor when I reference it with shedding skill, opening gills, and preparing the town for the flood. That's the sort of misunderstanding I was hoping to avoid.

 

[Tangent]

Still reading over here. I do plan on voting but might need a couple more hours.

I need maybe another 30 - 45 min myself...

Actually, I don't have it in me to stay up more. On vacation and sleepy! Sorry for bailing big time on crits.

Votes
1. hey_monkey
2. multivac
3. electricblanketfire
hm. nezumi, toddhunter, aaron

 

[hey_monkey]

Votes!

1. Aaron
2. Ashes
3. multivac

HM: GRW810

Thanks for all feedback, comments, etc. I am running mad behind in lifeskillz or I would reciprocate this time. :/

 

[Cyan]

I'm confused you would think it was a metaphor when I reference it with shedding skill, opening gills, and preparing the town for the flood. That's the sort of misunderstanding I was hoping to avoid.

The early stuff about floating through the streets and gentle waves and shedding winter crust and so on I thought was metaphorical, up until the line "I still feel her bare scales underneath the dried out surface of my palm" where I finally started to clue in. I know there was an early bit with the agent's skin hardening, but somehow I didn't make the connection.

 

[Aaron]

The early stuff about floating through the streets and gentle waves and shedding winter crust and so on I thought was metaphorical, up until the line "I still feel her bare scales underneath the dried out surface of my palm" where I finally started to clue in. I know there was an early bit with the agent's skin hardening, but somehow I didn't make the connection.

I thought the floating might seem as metaphor, which is why I mentioned the agent and also them prepping the town for the flood. I guess I could have included another detail or two, but outright stating it is against what I consider good storytelling. I think there was a second detail about his manager that got lost in an edit. Probably would have helped.

 

[Nezumi]

No comments again this time, Sorry.

1. Mike M
2.multivac
3. Ashes1396

 

[GRW810]

Anyone ready to call it now? I make it:

1. Multivac - 17
=2. Aaron - 11
=2. Mike M - 11
=2. Ashes - 11

Then a bunch of folk in single digits.

Then me, somewhere in the abyss with a big fat zero.

Screw the lot of you.

 

[Ashes]

no take backs once you called it. Should had waited if you wanted a vote GRW.

Congrats multivac you is a winner.

Ashes - autobiographical? it has that feel, but then your stories often do whether or not they really are. lots of nice moments, especially the girls choir and the Mary statue.

I would be lying if I said it was autobiographical. It's okay. I'm used to it. Last week 'I' was a Muslim British Pakistani female rape victim. This week 'I'm' a black teenager-cum-alcoholic-author who suffers from Salience Syndrome [the new name for Schizophrenia].

Ashes - lots of nice moments, especially the girls choir and the Mary statue.

It sort of ruins it when you know how detached I am whilst writing this stuff, but here goes nothing: I needed to contrast the cold gritty reality of East London, [prostitutes on the streets, homelessness, runaway children], so picked the spiritual highs occurring in Ashely's mind. The architecture, the city of London, and its focal points, as well as the snow it self lends to beautify the story - at least I was hoping it would. And the Choir is part of that. As is St Paul's. Mary being a sign of motherhood. But motherhood is related to something more subtle, something deeper, connected to the psychological aspects of the story - at least that was the intention, I don't know whether or how strong it came through [from the unborn baby to the fully grown child].

I didn't just want to write about a black kid being black in London, nor only comment about the mental health awareness in the black community, nor only talk about single black mothers raising kids on their own, nor only on family planning for that matter. All of these issues are challenging enough to write about without stigmatizing the core issues, and without putting my own self in that stories.

As to your story, I've given it a little more thought, and I think, there are more of the little touches, here and there, that add depth to the scene. The voice is also more mature, and direct. Addressing a more adult audience.

What I'd like to see is more depth in the characters you talk about. Treat them as if they aren't actors on stage, but real people, with subconsciouses. and commenting on the human condition, not just on society about on individual human beings too.

 

[The Atticus]

Sorry for the lack of feedback guys, double sorry since this is my first entry! I've had some other matters to take care of, so I can only offer my votes:

1)Mike M
2)hey_monkey
3)multivac

 

[GRW810]

Should had waited if you wanted a vote GRW.

I think people would want a new challenge this decade.

Sorry for the lack of feedback guys, double sorry since this is my first entry! I've had some other matters to take care of, so I can only offer my votes:

1)Mike M
2)hey_monkey
3)multivac

Luckily Multivac had this wrapped up by a comfortable margin to avoid controversy over a late vote!

Congratulations Multivac, now release our shackles and let us loose on the new challenge.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Congrat Multi!

 

[Nezumi]

Congratulation multivac!

Looking forward for what you'll come up with.

 

[toddhunter]

Well done multivac.

 

[Shengar]

Do we have any OT for creative writing? Sorry if asked in the wrong place.

 

[Mike M]

Do we have any OT for creative writing? Sorry if asked in the wrong place.

Why yes, yes we do.

 

[Shengar]

Why yes, yes we do.

Thanks a lot! I'm searching the community section but somehow escaped my eyes.

 

[Mike M]

Anyway, congrats to Multivac. I was actually kind of worried I might win since I had previously stated I need to bow out for a session or two, but apparently that won't be a problem!

Spoiler

I'll probably still submit something, but it will likely be a pisstake

 

[multivac]

Really appreciate the congratulations everyone!

I'm in the middle of a 12 hour shift right now and only have access to my phone during breaks, but I promise I'll have the new challenge up during lunch in about 3 and a half hours. Back to work!

 

[hey_monkey]

That's dedication.

 

[More_Badass]

Sorry guys, got caught in some family stuff, wasn't able to read through everything, vote, feedback, etc

But I'll definitely be participating in the next challenge. And I wanted to thank you for starting such an awesome writing community/challenge here. I used to write a lot, since I was six (I'm 21), but then it kind of waned off and I haven't written much in three years. It's very frustrating because it was a talent of mine, a passion, I have an entire binder of finished stories, half finished, outlines, ideas, and I let all the work go to waste

But now I have that urge again, and weekly challenges with a thematic focus are probably the best re-entry I've found so far.

 

[Cyan]

Cool, thanks for the explanation, Ashes.

Congrats multipass! Er, vac. multivac.

 

[Ashes]

I think people would want a new challenge this decade.

Oh I didn't mean anything by it. Just that you counted Aaron twice it seems.

 

[GRW810]

Oh I didn't mean anything by it. Just that you counted Aaron twice it seems.

Did I? I even jotted the votes on the back of an envelope as I counted them. Complete fail, but I think Multivac has it in the bag regardless.

Edit: I see what you mean. One of those was supposed to be you. So belated congratulations on second place.

 

[multivac]

New challenge is up!

http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=651059

Didn't have much time, my lunch break is only 30 minutes. Hope everything looks alright.

 

[hey_monkey]

2)hey_monkey

You can stay.