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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #129 - "Breakdown"
- Thread starter multivac
- Start date
- Status
The Brief and Paltry Journey of the Plover (~1000)
Logline:
Logline:
A hotshot pilot's spaceship breaks down on the side of the galactic interstate.
I am driving. Some time ago there was a moment when I entered this car but at this present moment I can't recall those seconds for the life of me. It is about to be dusk. I wish it would rain. It's hot. I'm sweating a lot. This shirt is a bit wet. It's a nice shirt. Collared shirts are nice. Why did I button the top button? I do like it. It's a bit restrictive though. I'm very sensitive about my neck. How did I get to where I am right now? Where am I going? Think, think, think... I needed something. It's so hot. Roll down a window. Roll down both windows. Passenger side is so hard to reach. Wait till oncoming traffic passes. Roll down passenger side window. Now it's too loud. Roll up driver side window. Roll up passenger side window. Half way up. Half empty, half full... Think. Where are you going? Intersection up ahead. Full stop. Now it's too hot. Driver's side window down. Why do I find such beauty in telephone wires and street lights? I'll take a picture. Where's my camera? Camera... Film! That's where I'm going! I needed to pick up a roll of film. It's at the lab. Okay. Now that that's settled, where is my camera? Shit, we're moving. Stall. Turn the engine over. Gas. Too much. This engine can be so loud. Get onto the freeway. Awkward eye-contact with fellow drivers. I think they're mad at me. I wasn't trying to be a loud person. I'm usually very quiet and in my head. People don't usually notice me. Then again, I'm not usually around to be noticed. When was the last time I spoke to another person? Has it been a few hours? Days? When did I get into this car? I feel sick. I need to pull over. It's so hot. The sun. It's almost gone. Pull over. Why is it still so hot? Is it me? Open the door. People are noticing you now. I wonder if it's alright to pull over onto the median. People are definitely noticing you now. I always forget how bad vomit tastes. Close the door. Maybe if I press on my eyes I'll feel better. That didn't help much. Open the door. Still tastes bad. It doesn't get better the second time. Close the door. My head is starting to hurt. Maybe I have something for it. Glove compartment. Registration, chopsticks, gum wrapper, gas receipt, some Bradbury book of short stories, lighter. Lighter? I don't smoke. Why is that in there? It still works. Singed hair pops and fizzles. Very distinct smell. People are noticing you. Back into traffic. Slow. Wait. There's an opening. I am driving again. It's too loud again with the windows down. Driver's side window up. Where am I going? The lab. That's right. Film. Do I have any cash? I can feel my wallet in my back pocket. Someone told me once that they slipped a disc because they fell asleep on a train with their wallet in their back pocket. Who was that? Maybe it wasn't a train. Some sort of aircraft maybe? I wish I was on a train. I was once on a train to visit my mother. The sun was almost down, more-so than it is now and it was pink across a long stretch of farmlands. That was a good photograph. The sun was beautiful. I wish the sun were down already. There are no visors in this car. It's blaring right in my eyes. Where is the turn off? Next two exits I think. Get in the right lane. Turn signal. Wait. Opening. First exit. It smells like mold in this car. Where is that coming from? It's just an old car. Second exit. Turn signal. Off ramp. Slow down. The sun isn't in my eyes any longer. That's nice. My head is starting to hurt more. Stop sign. Clear. Gas. Clutch out. Stall. Too fast. Turn the engine over again. Gas. Where is the lab? I think it's two blocks from here. Maybe three. What time is it? The radio is broken. I wonder if they'll be open. They should be. I don't think it's a holiday. What day is it? What months is it? How did I get here? Watch out for that kid on the bike. Wait for on coming traffic to pass. Pass the kid on the bike. There's the lab. I'm starting to feel sick again. It's so hot. Turn signal. Right turn. Slow down. Look for a parking space. The ones further away are usually open. There's one under a tree. Park. Open the door. It's still so hot. I wish my head didn't hurt so bad. I'm sweating even more now. Unbutton the top button. It's too restrictive right now. People are looking. Can they tell that I'm not feeling well? Just get to the lab and get the film. Automatic doors. Air conditioning. That feels nice. But it's not helping with the nausea. Where's the photo-lab counter? By the stationary. People are really looking at me. What's wrong with me? I can't really look that bad. There it is. Ask her for the film. Your name? My name... Shit. My head is really starting to hurt. My name. What is it? How can I not remember my name? I'm feeling really sick. Sir, are you alright? Tell her yes. It's so hot. Everything is spinning. I need to sit down. Or lean on something. I'm causing a scene. Just tell her your name. Why can't I remember it? Tell her you don't know your name and that you just want your film. Sir, I need your name to know which roll is yours. Why can't I remember? My head is pounding. I'm sweating a lot. My nose is starting to run. Wipe it. Is that blood? Wipe it on your shirt. My stomach is really hurting. It's coming up. Vomit. People are backing away. They look scared. I don't like this attention. More vomit. I need to lay down. Everything sounds so dull, like I'm underwater. Who are all these people? It's so hot. I just want to sleep. Sleep... My name! Bushnell! My name is Bushnell! My name is... Sleep... Die.
A man died in a drugstore yesterday evening. The man had no personal info on him. His wallet was not his wallet. He had arrived at the drugstore in another mans car who had recently died of an aneurysm and who lived a few thousand miles away from where the drugstore was located. The two men had no relation and had never met. It is unknown how the car came into his possession. The man had died due to numerous organ failures that all occurred simultaneously. He had been at the drugstore to pick up a roll of film under the name Bushnell and although none of the lab technicians recalled him ever setting foot in the drugstore prior to the day of his death and a lack of any trace of him on security footage proved this to be true, the roll of film had been there. The roll contained twenty-four shots of the first artificial satellite sent into orbit. The satellite was named Sputnik 1 and had decayed and re-entered the atmosphere in January of 1958 after being in orbit for only 2 months. The year is 1993. The photos were taken in December of 1957 when the satellite was still in orbit. The man is clearly pictured in several of the photos floating next to Sputnik 1 and does not appear to be wearing a suit of any kind.
A man died in a drugstore yesterday evening. The man had no personal info on him. His wallet was not his wallet. He had arrived at the drugstore in another mans car who had recently died of an aneurysm and who lived a few thousand miles away from where the drugstore was located. The two men had no relation and had never met. It is unknown how the car came into his possession. The man had died due to numerous organ failures that all occurred simultaneously. He had been at the drugstore to pick up a roll of film under the name Bushnell and although none of the lab technicians recalled him ever setting foot in the drugstore prior to the day of his death and a lack of any trace of him on security footage proved this to be true, the roll of film had been there. The roll contained twenty-four shots of the first artificial satellite sent into orbit. The satellite was named Sputnik 1 and had decayed and re-entered the atmosphere in January of 1958 after being in orbit for only 2 months. The year is 1993. The photos were taken in December of 1957 when the satellite was still in orbit. The man is clearly pictured in several of the photos floating next to Sputnik 1 and does not appear to be wearing a suit of any kind.
This is all shit and it's late anyways. Ashes1396 PMed me asking if I was interested and I figured I'd give it a shot. I've never really written anything like this so I had no idea what I was doing.
Chainsawkitten
Member
I'm studying game and software development.
There aren't any difficult assignments yet; they just take a lot of time, and there were several of them.
'twas my mother's birthday as well, but didn't have time to visit her.
So all kinds of things converging at the same time, really.
The problem isn't really slacking off, yeah, but then it's hardly too much planning either.
If I would have planned everything decently there wouldn't have been any stress.
Maybe I write better under stress.
Excuses...
Entries:
* John Dunbar
* Aaron
* Aguila
* Chainsawkitten
* toddhunter
* Bootaaay
* Mike M
* Tangent
* SquiddyCracker
* ab.aeterno
* Gattsu25
* FairyD
* DumbNameD
* Ashes1396
* Cyan
* mikeroth
* John Dunbar
* Aaron
* Aguila
* Chainsawkitten
* toddhunter
* Bootaaay
* Mike M
* Tangent
* SquiddyCracker
* ab.aeterno
* Gattsu25
* FairyD
* DumbNameD
* Ashes1396
* Cyan
* mikeroth
John Dunbar
correct about everything
damn, so many entries. was hoping to vulture another top three finish.
I'm still waiting for my cake john! Alright, let's do this in one take. Ready, steady go:
Happy birthday to Pau, Unicorn, Tangent's mum, John Dunbar, Chainsawkitten's mum, Mumei, and a partridge on a pear tree. Phew.
Meh... Thanks. It's 5:02 in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep. I got myself all freaked out writing that and felt really paranoid so I watched some Mike Birbiglia stand up and calmed down. I'll try to read some of the other entrants tomorrow including yours. I just need to figure out how all the passwords work. I guess I'm an eejit though. Thanks for the word. hehe...
John Dunbar A Complete World: I have no idea what I just read. It was abstract from the very outset, but at least it was manageably so. Once it got to the part with the cat, I was totally lost on WTF was supposed to be going on. I feel like theres some sort of mythical or biblical reference that Im just not familiar with at work here. I thought the prose was pretty solid throughout, with the exception of a couple paragraphs around where he waded into the river after his son that stood out to me as not being up to par with the rest (that whole part kind of struck me as being out of place since it didnt seem to have any bearing on what came before or after).
Aaron The Dreamless Sleep: Kinda want to know how the rest of it goes and how it pertains to the ultra-prohibitionist counterfactual setting. Seems like theres a lot spent on dropping hints/fleshing out how the world is different than 1940 as we knew it, but within this slice of the story it didnt really amount to anything. All of that could have been stripped out, and the garden variety noir mystery that remained wouldnt be any worse for wear.
Aguila Break Down: I like the break down (no pun intended here) of the theme for the title of the two parts of the story. I think the second half is undermined by the brevity of the piece though, everything hinges on the sons emotional connections to his family, only weve not had any time to know them so it doesnt resonate. Also, I think if youre using things like second boy and hair-pulling boy to identify characters, youre probably just better off giving them real names (which ties back in to how its hard to identify with and feel emotion for a gaggle of nameless people who just plummeted to their death).
Chainsawkitten Optical illusions: I liked the interpretation of the secondary objective, even if it wasnt quite in keeping with the OPs intent. Seems strongly influenced by House of Leaves, intentionally or otherwise. The forewords heaping praise of how amazing the authors writing is kind of irked me from the start though, it was hard to shake the impression that it was a gratuitous bit of self-insertion, regardless of whether or not it was true. Presentation is top notch as always, but I cant help but feel like the nested stories are a hook that didnt have time to develop properly.
toddhunter Expectations: I think this may actually be my favorite thing Ive seen by you. The ironically dysfunctional Hell is a familiar setting, but its also one of those things that Ill probably never tire of. Ever read Johannes Cabal the Necromancer? Probably right up your alley. Sequels also good, but is more of a goofy steampunk mystery story than goofy supernatural thing. Third book comes out 10/01/13, too. Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, stay out of my beer.
Bootaaay -- Rey de los Caballos: I liked this one, though I honestly thought it was trending in the direction of there being some sort of supernatural aspect to the horse given how superlative its capabilities were portrayed. I guess some of it could be reasonably chalked up to the hyperbole of folklore and legend of the horse though, but I thought the fact that the horse was close enough to bite someones hand off yet still be fast enough to dodge the bullets was pushing things a bit much for me, but thats totally nitpicking.
Mike M Cleanup Crew: Not really much of a story to be had here, and a piece based solely on character interaction when you dont know any of the characters is kind of meh. I still like the metafiction Ive cooked up in my head regarding the characters and the organization, and Im always enamored with the notion of consensual reality, but I have a doozy of a time trying to cook up a plot to hang it around.
Tangent Artistic Expression: You were on the verge of something good and creepy here, but then it just kind of evaporated at the end with no explanation of what was going on. Also, I presume if they were erasing stuff with a regular pink rubber eraser, they were doing their graffiti in pencil? Can you write on redwood with a pencil and erase it? I have no idea.
SquiddyCracker Promises Held: The ships Avatar is a colossal ass. I like it. Smatterings of punctuation and other mistakes (punctuation marks goes inside the quotation marks, for example), but I dug the main story enough to overlook that sort of thing. I dont know anything about this Culture franchise, but I was able to pick up enough of it to make sense, I think.
ab.aeterno The Quiet Implosion: I was largely impassive about this one. There werent much in the way of technical deficiencies that I would point out, but what did stick out to me was that there probably should have been more explanation of how the killers got off the hook. Boys will be boys doesnt really cut it when their crime is described as randomly pulping someones skull for no apparent reason. I think your instincts about this being an overly-ambitious concept for the constraints you had to work within are pretty spot on.
Gattsu25 Ignorance: Heh, fitting title. So it seems like an entry disguised as a post explaining why youre not competing this time around, but it almost seems as though that premise is discarded halfway through where it becomes a narration at an AA meeting. It didnt really quiiiiiiiite make the transition without a hitch, though. The very first line is about missing the meeting, but the rest of it reads as though hes present at the meeting and this is his sharing/confession/whatever it is they do at AA meetings. It could have been a clever bait and switch with a bit more work to iron it all out.
FairyD Untitled: I dont know anything about professional boxing, but are kidney blows a part of the sport? Seems like overkill if your opponent is so on the ropes that you can manage to circle around behind them like that Were you planning on going anywhere with this beyond a straight up story about boxing?
DumbNameD (): Nice take on internal monologue and thought processes, but I think the style of second half or so (basically everything past Clunk) wore out its welcome long before it ended. It necessitated running stuff through a bit of a mental cipher, and I cant really say it was worth the effort to interpret it.
Ashes1396 The last night: I liked the first part of the story where the guy was having the conversation and observations in the bar a lot more than the dialog at the bus stop. I was enjoying the deduction and cold reading part, and while there was still some of that going on for the bus stop part, it wasnt paced as snappy.
CyanThe Brief and Paltry Journey of the Plover: For being a hot shot pilot, Meridia comes off as a fucking idiot, or at least not as hot shot as were supposed to believe. Her ship is a piece of crap, she doesnt understand mechanical problems yet doesnt travel with an engineer, and she doesnt carry an apparently vital piece of equipment. Then when shes at least solaced by the fact that shes still moving in the Stream, she almost immediately coaxes the ship back to life just enough to fly out of it and essentially sever her own lifeline. Shes an amazing pilot who wouldnt be assed to aim her ship so that didnt happen? And whats that at the end about there not being enough money to fix the ship? Is she trying to fucking better deal her only hope of rescue after acknowledging the offer was more than generous? Fucking idiot.
mikeroth Gardens of Dementia: Presentation wise, the huge wall of text without paragraph breaks is not easy on the eye, made even moreso by spoiler tagging the whole thing, necessitating that I read it all as highlighted text. That said, the fever dream narration was spot on, though ultimately the ending and explanation left me out in the cold. Just too much weird, random, unexplainable mystery thrown together haphazardly.
Votes:
1.) toddhunter
2.) SquiddyCracker
3.) Bootaaay
Aaron The Dreamless Sleep: Kinda want to know how the rest of it goes and how it pertains to the ultra-prohibitionist counterfactual setting. Seems like theres a lot spent on dropping hints/fleshing out how the world is different than 1940 as we knew it, but within this slice of the story it didnt really amount to anything. All of that could have been stripped out, and the garden variety noir mystery that remained wouldnt be any worse for wear.
Aguila Break Down: I like the break down (no pun intended here) of the theme for the title of the two parts of the story. I think the second half is undermined by the brevity of the piece though, everything hinges on the sons emotional connections to his family, only weve not had any time to know them so it doesnt resonate. Also, I think if youre using things like second boy and hair-pulling boy to identify characters, youre probably just better off giving them real names (which ties back in to how its hard to identify with and feel emotion for a gaggle of nameless people who just plummeted to their death).
Chainsawkitten Optical illusions: I liked the interpretation of the secondary objective, even if it wasnt quite in keeping with the OPs intent. Seems strongly influenced by House of Leaves, intentionally or otherwise. The forewords heaping praise of how amazing the authors writing is kind of irked me from the start though, it was hard to shake the impression that it was a gratuitous bit of self-insertion, regardless of whether or not it was true. Presentation is top notch as always, but I cant help but feel like the nested stories are a hook that didnt have time to develop properly.
toddhunter Expectations: I think this may actually be my favorite thing Ive seen by you. The ironically dysfunctional Hell is a familiar setting, but its also one of those things that Ill probably never tire of. Ever read Johannes Cabal the Necromancer? Probably right up your alley. Sequels also good, but is more of a goofy steampunk mystery story than goofy supernatural thing. Third book comes out 10/01/13, too. Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah, stay out of my beer.
Bootaaay -- Rey de los Caballos: I liked this one, though I honestly thought it was trending in the direction of there being some sort of supernatural aspect to the horse given how superlative its capabilities were portrayed. I guess some of it could be reasonably chalked up to the hyperbole of folklore and legend of the horse though, but I thought the fact that the horse was close enough to bite someones hand off yet still be fast enough to dodge the bullets was pushing things a bit much for me, but thats totally nitpicking.
Mike M Cleanup Crew: Not really much of a story to be had here, and a piece based solely on character interaction when you dont know any of the characters is kind of meh. I still like the metafiction Ive cooked up in my head regarding the characters and the organization, and Im always enamored with the notion of consensual reality, but I have a doozy of a time trying to cook up a plot to hang it around.
Tangent Artistic Expression: You were on the verge of something good and creepy here, but then it just kind of evaporated at the end with no explanation of what was going on. Also, I presume if they were erasing stuff with a regular pink rubber eraser, they were doing their graffiti in pencil? Can you write on redwood with a pencil and erase it? I have no idea.
SquiddyCracker Promises Held: The ships Avatar is a colossal ass. I like it. Smatterings of punctuation and other mistakes (punctuation marks goes inside the quotation marks, for example), but I dug the main story enough to overlook that sort of thing. I dont know anything about this Culture franchise, but I was able to pick up enough of it to make sense, I think.
ab.aeterno The Quiet Implosion: I was largely impassive about this one. There werent much in the way of technical deficiencies that I would point out, but what did stick out to me was that there probably should have been more explanation of how the killers got off the hook. Boys will be boys doesnt really cut it when their crime is described as randomly pulping someones skull for no apparent reason. I think your instincts about this being an overly-ambitious concept for the constraints you had to work within are pretty spot on.
Gattsu25 Ignorance: Heh, fitting title. So it seems like an entry disguised as a post explaining why youre not competing this time around, but it almost seems as though that premise is discarded halfway through where it becomes a narration at an AA meeting. It didnt really quiiiiiiiite make the transition without a hitch, though. The very first line is about missing the meeting, but the rest of it reads as though hes present at the meeting and this is his sharing/confession/whatever it is they do at AA meetings. It could have been a clever bait and switch with a bit more work to iron it all out.
FairyD Untitled: I dont know anything about professional boxing, but are kidney blows a part of the sport? Seems like overkill if your opponent is so on the ropes that you can manage to circle around behind them like that Were you planning on going anywhere with this beyond a straight up story about boxing?
DumbNameD (): Nice take on internal monologue and thought processes, but I think the style of second half or so (basically everything past Clunk) wore out its welcome long before it ended. It necessitated running stuff through a bit of a mental cipher, and I cant really say it was worth the effort to interpret it.
Ashes1396 The last night: I liked the first part of the story where the guy was having the conversation and observations in the bar a lot more than the dialog at the bus stop. I was enjoying the deduction and cold reading part, and while there was still some of that going on for the bus stop part, it wasnt paced as snappy.
CyanThe Brief and Paltry Journey of the Plover: For being a hot shot pilot, Meridia comes off as a fucking idiot, or at least not as hot shot as were supposed to believe. Her ship is a piece of crap, she doesnt understand mechanical problems yet doesnt travel with an engineer, and she doesnt carry an apparently vital piece of equipment. Then when shes at least solaced by the fact that shes still moving in the Stream, she almost immediately coaxes the ship back to life just enough to fly out of it and essentially sever her own lifeline. Shes an amazing pilot who wouldnt be assed to aim her ship so that didnt happen? And whats that at the end about there not being enough money to fix the ship? Is she trying to fucking better deal her only hope of rescue after acknowledging the offer was more than generous? Fucking idiot.
mikeroth Gardens of Dementia: Presentation wise, the huge wall of text without paragraph breaks is not easy on the eye, made even moreso by spoiler tagging the whole thing, necessitating that I read it all as highlighted text. That said, the fever dream narration was spot on, though ultimately the ending and explanation left me out in the cold. Just too much weird, random, unexplainable mystery thrown together haphazardly.
Votes:
1.) toddhunter
2.) SquiddyCracker
3.) Bootaaay
Chainsawkitten
Member
Haven't heard of House of Leaves before, but it definitely looks interesting. This is more of a mix-up of If on a winter's night a traveler and Pale Fire (I'm so unoriginal).
Yes, writing praise was so fucking awkward. I can't even praise someone else's work without coming up with something negative as well (it's nice, but...) so praising my own writing is just double weird. And only in the end is it revealed that the editor's praise may not be for exactly the right or intended reasons, so the reader still has to go through the entire text with the author's self-congratulatory smugness in mind.
It became apparent pretty early when writing that the scope was much larger than 2000 words, probably around 5000, so I ought to go back and expand on it (ought to, not gonna actually happen).
ab.aeterno
Member
Can't say I'm not disappointed it didn't elicit much emotion, but that itself is useful feedback too. I tend to understate certain things to avoid being heavy-handed, and I also fear certain things weren't as clear as they could be; it seems like the reason he was killed wasn't as clear as I'd hoped.
Ironically, the crime and verdict, as well as the reasoning for it, are based on a real hate crime from several decades ago. It was in a book I read, gosh, 7 or 8 years ago whose title I no longer remember, but the crime always stuck with me because of its brutality and unjust resolution.
Yeah I totally agree with you on everything you said. I put the spoiler tagging because initially I was embarrassed and didn't even like that I was writing anything because it was so late and I didn't know what I was doing but I don't know why I thought that would help. I was still posting it and people would still be able to read it, it would just be annoying to read because of the presentation. That was dumb. How do you guys usually go about posting such neatly pretty looking pdf files with passwords and all? I guess that's a dumb question...
But as for the actual thing I wrote, whatever it was, I read it back a few times after I posted it and hated the ending. I wanted to go back and change it before I posted it but it was too late and it would have been too hard to change it all quickly and come up with an interesting way to end it with what was supposed to be my initial intention. I initially wanted to just have it be an inside look at the mind of a neurotic stranger (myself) on an impulsive outing and how scared of everything and everyone he is but how he also is losing grip with what reality is and is realizing the true absurdity of it all. I've been dealing with a very existential state of mind lately. Maybe I'll go back and fix it later, but I doubt it. You're right though and I really don't care for the turn it took.Reviews:
I'm not much of a writer and haven't been doing it for long, nor have I studied it, so I feel really uncomfortable critiquing anyone on here. You all seem really talented. So I'll just say what I thought from my own simply un-educated point of view.
John Dunbar - A Complete World: I really liked how this one began. For some reason I kept thinking of the city from the end of Slapstick, that Vonnegut book. I think it was just the part with the unfinished bridge that created that image. Anyways, was good up until Hyman woke up from passing out after seeing his son. Really wished you had carried on with his feeling of despair after losing a child. I could have seen him just walking around aimlessly and becoming a social outcast in a world that was casting itself out (to sea). I didn't really care for the way it ended. I was hoping it was just that civilization bought into this crazy idea that the world was complete and started starving themselves and throwing the bodies in rivers to drift to sea and there wouldn't be any supernatural stuff and then it just turned in to this weird feline dream. I'm just not a huge fan of fantasies. I like sci-fi's with tales of alternate worlds that seem like they could actually exist through the triumph of technological progress, not spiritual beings. Just my taste. Well written though.
Aaron - The Dreamless Sleep: I don't have much to say about this one. I just liked it a lot and really want to see where it goes. Each line was very well thought out and made me feel like I was in 1940. There was however one passage that stuck out to me and created a quick flash of an image in my head that made me stop. "Several are sleeping off the previous night, and everyone ignores the man pissing in the corner. No point in arresting him. This city smells like smoke and urine most mornings anyway." When I read that I suddenly could see an image of it clearly and beautifully and it was all grey and bleak and reminded me of Mark Rothko's subway series from his early days of painting. *Shivers* Enjoyed thoroughly.
Aguila - Break Down: Jaw-droppingly good. Seriously loved this story and am not exaggerating about it being jaw-dropping (When the boy threw the shoe and the van began to tip and I realized what was happening my mouth fell open and my eyes were wide in shock during the rest of the read). also had a beautifully (I feel like I use that word too much) tragic ending. So heartbreaking. Do you mind if I ask how old you pictured the oldest son (the one hanging from the root in the end) to be?
Chainsawkitten - Optical Illusions: Just. Wow. That was goddamn creative. It had me laughing throughout, especially when I realized what was going on and then even more-so when you so blatantly pointed out what was going on right after I realized it. Extremely well put together and just a joy to read. Great way to make use of the secondary objective too. The loglines were a joy to read in themselves. Each one got more and more ridiculous. The whole thing was just too clever. Gold star for robot boy.
toddhunter - Expectations: Not the most elegant writing, but I guess elegant writing wouldn't have fit with the feel of this one. Very funny. I honestly laughed out loud at the last line. I thought the punchline was delivered very well. There were certain lines that I thought could have been worded better like the part about it being a dick move to kick the rabbit any harder on his first day. "Dick move" just seems like a silly thing to put into any piece of literature. But overall I really liked the image of these ridiculous man-made ideas called "Heaven" and "Hell" being too ridiculous for their own good to the point that they aren't even even able function properly.
Bootaaay - Rey de los Caballos: This story pulled me in but just wasn't super interesting to me. My father used to watch tons of westerns when I was a kid and I just got really tired of that whole era. It seemed like there were quite a few typos in the beginning. But that is easily fixed. Also it seemed like this was the kind of story that should have had a more interesting ending. Sometimes it's okay to end abruptly but I didn't really feel like it fit here. But like I said, it did keep me reading to see what would happen next so that was good.
Mike M - Cleanup Crew: Really quiet tone to this one. I liked it a lot. It did however have some tones in the beginning that made me feel like you were trying too hard to make Reeves and the whole mood of the story seem a bit too "bad-ass". That was sort of annoying upon first read, but by the end that changed and then on my second read of it that had completely disappeared. You were really able to sympathize with Reeves character as well as Lee. I also like the whole part about him cleaning his gun and then finding out at the end that he'd done that despite the fact the he knew full well that he had to die. Really sobering.
Tangent - Artistic Expression: I didn't care for the way this one started. It felt like reading young adult fiction. It got a bit better but never really piqued my interest. It sort of creeped me out during the climax because I get scared really easy and just the idea of something inside the walls of a house freaks me out. My dad hangs drywall for a living and when I was a kid I used to go to jobs with him sometimes and always was afraid that I could get trapped inside the walls and that there would be someone in there with me. I can't handle horror films at all or anything spooky like that. I guess for someone who enjoys being scared I think it would have been better to have lead to something a bit more eventful, but for me I was happy with the ending. It didn't creep me out. I did however feel that the ending felt a bit rushed and it didn't seem to answer anything. I guess you don't really have to answer anything, but I think for the type of story you started out with, this one might have been better with answers.
Goodness! Well... at least I evoked some emotion?
Not a knock against you as a writer or anything, since she was at least consistent in her poor judgment and justifiably derided by the other characters in the story. She just wound up being less Han Solo and more Launchpad McQuack : )
I have mixed feelings about House of Leaves. The core story of the Navidson Record is a good, creepy yarn, and it has fun playing with the medium as everything unravels, but my god is there a lot of mindless, boring, content-free text. You can skip multiple pages at a time and miss out on nothing. I get that it's a satire of literary criticism, but damn if it didn't grievously harm readability in making that gag.
I think part of the problem is that (unless I just spaced and missed something), the gender of the narrator is ambiguous until nearly the end, so the hate crime angle didn't register until late in the game, and even then only in the context of contemporary times where such a defense would be unthinkable (again, unless I missed something earlier about it being set decades ago.).
I'm at a loss though on how to dump all that info w/out totalling the pacing, though.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Mike M said:
Yeah, I'm not surprised by the errors, should really have gotten started on the whole thing a couple of days earlier so I could check for mistakes more than just once.
I was also kinda semi-considering changing up how I write dialogue:
"Indeed." He said.
vs
"Indeed", He said.
Meant to change all instances of the latter to the former, but again the time factor stopped me
votes:
1- Tangent
2- DumbNameD
3- Ashes1396
Comments:
John Dunbar - The beginning is weak. It needs something a little more to prove the faith. You had my interest though until the cat came in, which is fine in itself, but I don't think you explain its appearance well enough, and the end just comes off as confusing.
Aguila - You craft a good moment, but you should have taken it a little bit further. The ending is too abrupt.
Chainsawkitten - As interesting as the structure is, all the little stories in and around it end up too thin as the result. If they're meant to be flashes or glimpses, I think a more stream of conciousness style would have gotten more out of them.
toddhunter - Questions should have been longer, almost to the point it tortures the reader. While everything is amusing, I chuckled at the regenerating lettuce, I would have sacrificed some dialogue to get a sense of movement. To get away from the rabbit for a while so the punchline could have an impact.
Bootaaay - I feel you have a great story thats sabotaged by the framing. The frame story comes off as pointless, while the good story doesn't quite get the life it deserves.
Mike M - The actual near destruction of reality would have been more interesting than a conversation about it, especially when there's not anything compelling about these characters. Because there's no experience of it and the danger is only in the abstract, the ending doesn't seem neccessary. It's a solid concept though.
Tangent - A delightful story, though I have two small problems. The first is the girls knowing what a termite looks like. They would probably think it's a generic bug. The second it seems really odd to me to mention 'the Wall' in dialogue. Not sure why though.
SquiddyCracker - I've read Culture books and still found this daunting. You throw out terms left and right without providing much in the way of context. I also expect a more Ian M Banks style, which is constructing solid scenes with clear purposes, while this came off a little nebulous.
ab.aeterno - The pacing is a little slow for something that's essentially familiar up until the end, and since the end comes out of nowhere it needs explanation. If the reader doesn't know where this comes from, even after the fact, it feels like just a stunt.
Gattsu25 - Put a little more effort in, and make the thing a little better constructed. There's good stuff here, but it's not as well put together as it should be.
FairyD - Shame it's unfinished as it's a strong build up. It could probably be complete under 1k words even.
DumbNameD - It's got a great style, but you lean into it a little too much after the start. It could have used a few more full paragraphs thrown in to give it texture.
Ashes1396 - It's sweet and well done, but feels like two stories not really connected, and would be stronger with one or the other.
Cyan - This lacks description and explanation. I don't know that the Stream is. I don't know what the Plover looks like. I don't understand this business about winnings. There's just too much I'm in the dark about from the start for me to get a grip here.
mikeroth - A little too hard to follow for me to give a decent comment. Maybe give it a touch more structure to help it along.
1- Tangent
2- DumbNameD
3- Ashes1396
Comments:
John Dunbar - The beginning is weak. It needs something a little more to prove the faith. You had my interest though until the cat came in, which is fine in itself, but I don't think you explain its appearance well enough, and the end just comes off as confusing.
Aguila - You craft a good moment, but you should have taken it a little bit further. The ending is too abrupt.
Chainsawkitten - As interesting as the structure is, all the little stories in and around it end up too thin as the result. If they're meant to be flashes or glimpses, I think a more stream of conciousness style would have gotten more out of them.
toddhunter - Questions should have been longer, almost to the point it tortures the reader. While everything is amusing, I chuckled at the regenerating lettuce, I would have sacrificed some dialogue to get a sense of movement. To get away from the rabbit for a while so the punchline could have an impact.
Bootaaay - I feel you have a great story thats sabotaged by the framing. The frame story comes off as pointless, while the good story doesn't quite get the life it deserves.
Mike M - The actual near destruction of reality would have been more interesting than a conversation about it, especially when there's not anything compelling about these characters. Because there's no experience of it and the danger is only in the abstract, the ending doesn't seem neccessary. It's a solid concept though.
Tangent - A delightful story, though I have two small problems. The first is the girls knowing what a termite looks like. They would probably think it's a generic bug. The second it seems really odd to me to mention 'the Wall' in dialogue. Not sure why though.
SquiddyCracker - I've read Culture books and still found this daunting. You throw out terms left and right without providing much in the way of context. I also expect a more Ian M Banks style, which is constructing solid scenes with clear purposes, while this came off a little nebulous.
ab.aeterno - The pacing is a little slow for something that's essentially familiar up until the end, and since the end comes out of nowhere it needs explanation. If the reader doesn't know where this comes from, even after the fact, it feels like just a stunt.
Gattsu25 - Put a little more effort in, and make the thing a little better constructed. There's good stuff here, but it's not as well put together as it should be.
FairyD - Shame it's unfinished as it's a strong build up. It could probably be complete under 1k words even.
DumbNameD - It's got a great style, but you lean into it a little too much after the start. It could have used a few more full paragraphs thrown in to give it texture.
Ashes1396 - It's sweet and well done, but feels like two stories not really connected, and would be stronger with one or the other.
Cyan - This lacks description and explanation. I don't know that the Stream is. I don't know what the Plover looks like. I don't understand this business about winnings. There's just too much I'm in the dark about from the start for me to get a grip here.
mikeroth - A little too hard to follow for me to give a decent comment. Maybe give it a touch more structure to help it along.
ab.aeterno
Member
I tend to favor ambiguity to specificity in my writing (the lover has no name, Al is never physically described, etc.) so the reader can take what I give them and form their own mental picture. The added benefit of avoiding long narrative dumps also helps as I tend to write short-form. In this case though, it was definitely an oversight regarding the main character's gender, as was the setting. I ended up too vague, and details cut from his monologue were never scattered elsewhere.
Though, I agree; the pacing would likely have been ruined trying to work it in. I cut a lot of back story to keep it from feeling bloated.
Thanks for the feedback, gives me something to think about for next time.
toddhunter
Member
Some feedback. I thought the entries were extremely strong this time around. Every time each writer seems to get better and better.
* John Dunbar - Was getting a vibe from a recent horror game...
... not sure if there was some inspiration there but I got some as a reader. So not really sure what you were going for, but I enjoyed it!
* Aaron - Found the societies handling of divorce strikingly odd given the context. Strong story all around though.
* Aguila - Nice creative use of the theme. I found it a bit hard to follow who was who and even where they were placed in the van for it all to work. Probably nit-picking, but when it is short and focused those details tend to stand out for me.
* Chainsawkitten - Great presentation and creativity. I just found the glimpses of story surprisingly dry as if they were just the beginning of where you were going with it all. I think you mentioned above that it should be longer and I agree, it just didn't get to where it needed to be. You should pursue it.
* Bootaaay - Kind of not my thing, but a well written piece and a different take on the theme.
* Mike M - Some very interesting ideas and concepts being thrown out here. I think the issue is then treating all those issues as mundane through the characters. Even the ending was just accepted as "the way things are" with no real conflict or exploration of the contradictions. As such, the great ideas just fell short of being interesting.
I haven't heard of the Necromancer or that series, but thanks, will check it out.
* Tangent - I loved the characters a lot and the story had a nice sense of whimsy and wonder. Only thing that didn't gel for me was the ending.
Seems to me if the termites were that aware they would have been a bit smarter about what they were doing. So I would have left the fumigation bit out and perhaps ended with the foot through the floor at most or some sort of resolution to it like the world gets fumigated instead somehow (bit out there but it plays to the chilling image).
* SquiddyCracker - I'm not familiar with the source material, so was relying on you to get me through it and you did the job pretty well. The issue was I still found it pretty heavy going and that prevented me really getting into the meat and bones of it. The style isn't a bad thing, just doesn't work for me in this format because it needs to be 10 times longer or something.
* ab.aeterno - The section "I never told you this..." struck me as odd given it had been a multi-year journey through it together. It seems to me it would have come up, probably on day one. I also had a bit of trouble following the scene with the store in terms of who was doing what and when. Not a style problem, just in the execution or the reading because I had to go over it a few times. But overall it was pretty well done and an enjoyable piece.
* Gattsu25 - I thought the switch was reasonably well done, although "Tod" was destracting because...well anyway I liked the circular flow of it.
* FairyD - Read as a nice intro to something I find interesting (boxing). I hope you find the time to explore it further.
* DumbNameD - I enjoyed the second half as something different and thought that the first (pre clunk) half could actually have been lost completely or replaced with a smaller section.
* Ashes1396 - Enjoyed the first half a lot and the atmosphere you built (some of the better writing this round), but seemed to lose focus from there and kind of lost me at the end.
* Cyan - My issue is with the leap required to accept she would break down like that in the first place with a modern ship. Maybe a reference could have been made to the package causing the damage somehow? Other than that, I thought it was pretty masterfully executed.
* mikeroth - I got a bit of a "fight club" vibe from this which was good. Whilst you nailed that sort of narration, the presentation was hard to read. So just sort that out and you are away.
Votes
-----
1. John Dunbar
2. Tangent
3. DumbNameD
HM. I was listing pretty much everybody... So "everybody"
* John Dunbar - Was getting a vibe from a recent horror game...
machine for pigs
* Aaron - Found the societies handling of divorce strikingly odd given the context. Strong story all around though.
* Aguila - Nice creative use of the theme. I found it a bit hard to follow who was who and even where they were placed in the van for it all to work. Probably nit-picking, but when it is short and focused those details tend to stand out for me.
* Chainsawkitten - Great presentation and creativity. I just found the glimpses of story surprisingly dry as if they were just the beginning of where you were going with it all. I think you mentioned above that it should be longer and I agree, it just didn't get to where it needed to be. You should pursue it.
* Bootaaay - Kind of not my thing, but a well written piece and a different take on the theme.
* Mike M - Some very interesting ideas and concepts being thrown out here. I think the issue is then treating all those issues as mundane through the characters. Even the ending was just accepted as "the way things are" with no real conflict or exploration of the contradictions. As such, the great ideas just fell short of being interesting.
I haven't heard of the Necromancer or that series, but thanks, will check it out.
* Tangent - I loved the characters a lot and the story had a nice sense of whimsy and wonder. Only thing that didn't gel for me was the ending.
Seems to me if the termites were that aware they would have been a bit smarter about what they were doing. So I would have left the fumigation bit out and perhaps ended with the foot through the floor at most or some sort of resolution to it like the world gets fumigated instead somehow (bit out there but it plays to the chilling image).
* SquiddyCracker - I'm not familiar with the source material, so was relying on you to get me through it and you did the job pretty well. The issue was I still found it pretty heavy going and that prevented me really getting into the meat and bones of it. The style isn't a bad thing, just doesn't work for me in this format because it needs to be 10 times longer or something.
* ab.aeterno - The section "I never told you this..." struck me as odd given it had been a multi-year journey through it together. It seems to me it would have come up, probably on day one. I also had a bit of trouble following the scene with the store in terms of who was doing what and when. Not a style problem, just in the execution or the reading because I had to go over it a few times. But overall it was pretty well done and an enjoyable piece.
* Gattsu25 - I thought the switch was reasonably well done, although "Tod" was destracting because...well anyway I liked the circular flow of it.
* FairyD - Read as a nice intro to something I find interesting (boxing). I hope you find the time to explore it further.
* DumbNameD - I enjoyed the second half as something different and thought that the first (pre clunk) half could actually have been lost completely or replaced with a smaller section.
* Ashes1396 - Enjoyed the first half a lot and the atmosphere you built (some of the better writing this round), but seemed to lose focus from there and kind of lost me at the end.
* Cyan - My issue is with the leap required to accept she would break down like that in the first place with a modern ship. Maybe a reference could have been made to the package causing the damage somehow? Other than that, I thought it was pretty masterfully executed.
* mikeroth - I got a bit of a "fight club" vibe from this which was good. Whilst you nailed that sort of narration, the presentation was hard to read. So just sort that out and you are away.
Votes
-----
1. John Dunbar
2. Tangent
3. DumbNameD
HM. I was listing pretty much everybody... So "everybody"
British Monsoon
Member
John Dunbar; enjoyed this, it was a good read and I liked the premise. I could have done with some foreshadowing of why the people were so willing to accept Thomas' words as prophecy, though, and I also felt the discovery of Hyman's son felt a bit rushed.
Aaron; of what's there, I really liked and it's definitely something I'd like to read more of. I like how you've given it that 'world-weary cop' narrative tone without it ever sounding too cliched. I was going to mention that I found it jarring when you started writing about the war, but then I noticed the date at the top, which I must have missed, heh.
Aguila; interesting format, I liked the switch of perspective but, while it is well written, there isn't much meat to the story itself.
Chainsawkitten; excellent, I love the matryoshka doll-esque format and was very intrigued to see how you would manage to tie it altogether.
toddhunter; clever idea, but it felt a bit matter-of-fact in the telling, I think it would have benefitted from a longer word count. Love that last line, though.
Mike M; I liked this a whole lot, the writing is excellent and flows smoothly, in spite of the technobabble, but it obviously feels like a slice of a much larger story and we don't really get a sense of the characters or the real ramifications of such an extreme situation.
Tangent; this one didn't quite resonate with me as much as some of your previous stories have. I liked the tone of the piece, but felt the ending needed some work as it was too abrupt.
SquiddyCracker; I felt like you laid it on too thick with the unfamiliar names in the first half, but that's the price of setting a story in an established universe, I guess. That being said, it was very well written and you set the scene nicely, my only suggestion would be that you could have foreshadowed the AI's ruthless ethics to a greater degree.
ab.aeterno; some nice descriptive writing at the start, I generally enjoyed this piece, although I felt like some of the impact of the death was lost by continuing on after it. Personally, it would have been enough to merely have the protagonist envisioning their life falling apart, rather than us needing to directly see it happen.
Gattsu25; nice way to start the piece. I thought that, as a monologue, it was well constructed and sounded believable, but I think I would have preferred it with a little descriptive writing interspersed throughout.
FairyD; a good start, worth finishing off, I'd say.
DumbNameD; I really liked the stream of conciousness style, but it wore thin later on. Maybe at the end you could have reigned it in and brought the pace back in line with the beginning.
Ashes1396; I liked the tone of the piece, not sure how I'd describe it. Forceful, or wild perhaps. The ending was nice as well, but overall I think it could've done with some description in the second half.
Cyan; this was excellent, very smoothly written and some great characterisation. It was a bit confusing at first trying to figure out the mode of transport, as you mentioned G's and 'the stream', but that's total nitpicking.
mikeroth; big ol' wall of text could have done with some formatting, but I liked the stream of conciousness, even if it dragged slightly towards the end. The switch was jarring, but I enjoyed the mystery posed. Nice entry.
1. Cyan
2. John Dunbar
3. chainsawkitten
HM; Mike M, Aaron, SquiddyCracker, Ashes1396
Aaron; of what's there, I really liked and it's definitely something I'd like to read more of. I like how you've given it that 'world-weary cop' narrative tone without it ever sounding too cliched. I was going to mention that I found it jarring when you started writing about the war, but then I noticed the date at the top, which I must have missed, heh.
Aguila; interesting format, I liked the switch of perspective but, while it is well written, there isn't much meat to the story itself.
Chainsawkitten; excellent, I love the matryoshka doll-esque format and was very intrigued to see how you would manage to tie it altogether.
toddhunter; clever idea, but it felt a bit matter-of-fact in the telling, I think it would have benefitted from a longer word count. Love that last line, though.
Mike M; I liked this a whole lot, the writing is excellent and flows smoothly, in spite of the technobabble, but it obviously feels like a slice of a much larger story and we don't really get a sense of the characters or the real ramifications of such an extreme situation.
Tangent; this one didn't quite resonate with me as much as some of your previous stories have. I liked the tone of the piece, but felt the ending needed some work as it was too abrupt.
SquiddyCracker; I felt like you laid it on too thick with the unfamiliar names in the first half, but that's the price of setting a story in an established universe, I guess. That being said, it was very well written and you set the scene nicely, my only suggestion would be that you could have foreshadowed the AI's ruthless ethics to a greater degree.
ab.aeterno; some nice descriptive writing at the start, I generally enjoyed this piece, although I felt like some of the impact of the death was lost by continuing on after it. Personally, it would have been enough to merely have the protagonist envisioning their life falling apart, rather than us needing to directly see it happen.
Gattsu25; nice way to start the piece. I thought that, as a monologue, it was well constructed and sounded believable, but I think I would have preferred it with a little descriptive writing interspersed throughout.
FairyD; a good start, worth finishing off, I'd say.
DumbNameD; I really liked the stream of conciousness style, but it wore thin later on. Maybe at the end you could have reigned it in and brought the pace back in line with the beginning.
Ashes1396; I liked the tone of the piece, not sure how I'd describe it. Forceful, or wild perhaps. The ending was nice as well, but overall I think it could've done with some description in the second half.
Cyan; this was excellent, very smoothly written and some great characterisation. It was a bit confusing at first trying to figure out the mode of transport, as you mentioned G's and 'the stream', but that's total nitpicking.
mikeroth; big ol' wall of text could have done with some formatting, but I liked the stream of conciousness, even if it dragged slightly towards the end. The switch was jarring, but I enjoyed the mystery posed. Nice entry.
1. Cyan
2. John Dunbar
3. chainsawkitten
HM; Mike M, Aaron, SquiddyCracker, Ashes1396
1. Chainsawkitten
2. Tangent
3. toddhunter
I don't have time to do critiques. I have so much homework. Sorry
But thanks to those who critiqued my story! I see that the major problems with it are its length and confusing character descriptions/characterization.
Aw thanks :3
I had the mental picture of 15/16 year old Americanized foreign kid in my head when I created the main character.
2. Tangent
3. toddhunter
I don't have time to do critiques. I have so much homework. Sorry
But thanks to those who critiqued my story! I see that the major problems with it are its length and confusing character descriptions/characterization.
Aw thanks :3
I had the mental picture of 15/16 year old Americanized foreign kid in my head when I created the main character.
Votes:
1. Aaron
2. Ashes
3. DumbNameD
hm. Aguila. (I pictured the oldest boy to be very similar to the oldest boy in the movie, "Little Miss Sunshine.")
Hey people, thank you so much for the awesome crits. Good food for thought with things that I hadn't noticed myself (e.g., how drawing was so easily identifiable, etc.). One thing I feel like I get feedback on a lot for several of our challenges are my endings. I think a part of me likes mysterious, vague endings that pop up on the reader all of a sudden but perhaps they need to be executed better.
This comes to my next point: I'm having problems posting, and uh, I'm using that as my excuse for not providing quality crits. I was looking forward to using some of the crit rubrics that some of you have given us in the past. But then BAM! Time crunch. I hope I start with crits way earlier next time.
1. Aaron
2. Ashes
3. DumbNameD
hm. Aguila. (I pictured the oldest boy to be very similar to the oldest boy in the movie, "Little Miss Sunshine.")
Hey people, thank you so much for the awesome crits. Good food for thought with things that I hadn't noticed myself (e.g., how drawing was so easily identifiable, etc.). One thing I feel like I get feedback on a lot for several of our challenges are my endings. I think a part of me likes mysterious, vague endings that pop up on the reader all of a sudden but perhaps they need to be executed better.
This comes to my next point: I'm having problems posting, and uh, I'm using that as my excuse for not providing quality crits. I was looking forward to using some of the crit rubrics that some of you have given us in the past. But then BAM! Time crunch. I hope I start with crits way earlier next time.
1. Aaron - "The Dreamless Sleep" - Good. Trim some of the alternate history exposition, add another 4000-6000 words, and call it a day. Or turn it into a novel. Seriously, love the setting and the prose feels effortless and smooth.
2. Chainsawkitten "Optical illusions" - Reminds me of If on a winter's night a traveler... fun structure, and I liked what you did with it. Some of the segments didn't live up to their descriptions from the previous ones. The descriptions all sounded interesting and exciting, and then it was a guy sitting at a desk or whatever.
3. John Dunbar "A Complete World" - Some of this was just a little too weird for me, but I love the central conceit and it was largely well executed.
HM: Ashes1396, Bootaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Or turn it into a novel. Seriously, love the setting and the prose feels effortless and smooth.2. Chainsawkitten "Optical illusions" - Reminds me of If on a winter's night a traveler... fun structure, and I liked what you did with it. Some of the segments didn't live up to their descriptions from the previous ones. The descriptions all sounded interesting and exciting, and then it was a guy sitting at a desk or whatever.
3. John Dunbar "A Complete World" - Some of this was just a little too weird for me, but I love the central conceit and it was largely well executed.
HM: Ashes1396, Bootaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
Because that would've been cheap with no guarantee I'll ever finish it. 'part 1' promises more to come, which I might not deliver on.
And that is different to this version how?
I reckon splitting this up into two could well have framed 'this block' better.
Edit: PS. For better or for worse, I hope you return to this world when the right theme comes along.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
1. Aaron
2. toddhunter
3. Chainsawkitten
HM: Bootaaay
2. toddhunter
3. Chainsawkitten
HM: Bootaaay
ab.aeterno
Member
Was hoping for a better debut as well. Pretty disappointed in myself, and as someone who usually writes to inspire certain emotions, apathy is probably the most disappointing feeling to create. There's always next time I suppose.
Do I have to give my little voting speech again?
Don't get hung up on getting points in the voting. There are any number of reasons you might have not received votes, including how many submissions there were, how good the other stories were, what position your story was in the list and how quickly people read it, the mood people were in while reading, etc etc. It's entirely possible to write something good and still not receive a single vote.
Remember, the point here is to get better at writing, not to get points.
Although feel free to use the competitiveness to fuel your next story.
Don't get hung up on getting points in the voting. There are any number of reasons you might have not received votes, including how many submissions there were, how good the other stories were, what position your story was in the list and how quickly people read it, the mood people were in while reading, etc etc. It's entirely possible to write something good and still not receive a single vote.
Remember, the point here is to get better at writing, not to get points.
Although feel free to use the competitiveness to fuel your next story.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Oops, kinda missed the deadline but no biggie!
Yeah, I kinda don't really care about the whole voting bit of these challenges, I am just looking for an excuse to write stuff - and where possible, get some feedback on how to improve things.
@Cyan, I kinda feel you when it comes to endings. I like my endings sudden and not entirely clear, preferably with a tweest.
Yeah, I kinda don't really care about the whole voting bit of these challenges, I am just looking for an excuse to write stuff - and where possible, get some feedback on how to improve things.
@Cyan, I kinda feel you when it comes to endings. I like my endings sudden and not entirely clear, preferably with a tweest.
Where are you getting this from? Cyan doesn't write like that normally. Everything is tied up usually in his stories.
Come to think of it, neither does Tangent, though she did once say this before.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
split personality problems, you mean.
We have no idea what you're talking about.
ab.aeterno
Member
.jpg)
Now that's a twist ending.
Didn't expect to win with an unfinished story, but here's a fresh challenge.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=83547317
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=83547317
- Status