Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Close enough.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #148 - "The Right Questions"
- Thread starter Metaphoreus
- Start date
- Status
Close enough.
QuantumBro
Banned
Wasn't going to do one this time, since I'm visiting my family this week and don't have much free time. I came up with the story a little bit after the deadline, but luckily I was able to type it all up before the grace period was over.
A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles (779 words)
password:
A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles (779 words)
password:
neogaf
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Chainsawkitten
Member
I'd be insterested but unfortunately I don't think I have much time to spare anytime soon.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Since no ones done it yet, i guess I'll make the list of participants for everyones ease.
Aaron-Middle of the Pack
Azih- Ascension
ThLunarian- Broyles '24
MikeM- No Irish Need Apply
FlowersisBritish- Frankie The Can Man
Tangent- "You Gotta Know the Rules"
Cyan- Realistic
QuantumBro- A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles
Metamorpheous- WWGBD
Charade- Purify
If I missed someone or misspelled someone's name let me know and I can edit.
Aaron-Middle of the Pack
Azih- Ascension
ThLunarian- Broyles '24
MikeM- No Irish Need Apply
FlowersisBritish- Frankie The Can Man
Tangent- "You Gotta Know the Rules"
Cyan- Realistic
QuantumBro- A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles
Metamorpheous- WWGBD
Charade- Purify
If I missed someone or misspelled someone's name let me know and I can edit.
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
=|
(Also, I put a list in the OP this morning. Though I am happy that your list confirms that I didn't forget anyone.)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Well... so this is what it's like wearing the same dress to prom...
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Here are my votes and comments:
1st: "No Irish Need Apply" by Mike M
2d: "Realistic" by Cyan
3d: "You Gotta Know the Rules" by Tangent
Honorable Mentions
"Middle of the Pack" by Aaron. I thought the second-person narration worked well with this story. I got the feeling that I was overhearing the main character's thoughts about himself.
"Broyles '24" by ThLunarian. This was well-written, and I liked that it tied in with your story from the last challenge. However, I didn't think Agent Thompson acted realistically. I don't think an agent of the organization interrogating Broyles would be so easily cowed by the man; she should have been more aggressive. Still, it was an interesting story told well through dialogue. (One note of no consequence: I doubt Broyles could run again. The Constitution prohibits any person from being elected more than twice, so unless Broyles was not elected the first time, and served less than two years as president, then he would probably be disqualified by the 22nd Amendment.)
Additional Thoughts
"Purify" by Charade. I found the world in which this was set interesting, and the story itself, as well. There were a few technical errors (for instance, you spelled "ohvitser" as "ovitser" at one point, and several times capitalized the "i" in "Silve"), but overall I thought it was well-written.
"Frankie the Can Man" by FloursisBritush. This was a touching story. There were a few places with technical errors, but it wasn't too distracting. I didn't like your description of how the cans "crackled as tin crinkled against tin." When I think of a sound that "crackles," I think of fireworks (or Rice Krispies in a bowl of milk). And I don't think of "crinkle" as a verb, but as a type of cut for potato chips and French fries. Finally, I didn't like the last sentence, for two reasons: first, because I don't think ducks have a hard time getting off a river before they drown; second, because the idea of being on a fixed path with only limited opportunities of escape didn't show up anywhere else in the story. Of course, I can reinterpret the rest of the story in light of the final sentence and try to make it fit, but it may have been better to have Frankie start out at the river so I'd have that image in my mind as I'm reading it the first time.
"Ascension" by Azih. There were a number of technical errors in this story. For instance, you refer to the "H.U." as the "Humanity United," then the "Human Union," and even the "H.R." Most of the errors were missing punctuation, particularly at the end of "H.U." I also got a bit confused in the second half of the second page, when the characters are walking through the cafeteria. You never say expressly that Joene and Karem filled their plates with food, so I thought "Plates piled high" was just an undeleted vestige of a prior version of that paragraph (where you were describing the cafeteria as including tall stacks of plates, for instance). If you had said, "Plates piled high with food, Karem and Joene walked..." then it would have been clearer. Other than those errors, I liked the story, and I liked your use of the word "sibilant."
"A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles" by QuantumBro. There were a few minor technical errors here. Around the middle of page 1, Officer concludes a statement with "the highway is safe enough for." On the bottom third of page 2, you placed "He begins to read STEVEN his Miranda rights" in the stage directions. But since that involves speaking, you should have included the rights as part of his speech. But my bigger problem with this was how implausible it all seemed. First, we're told from the outset that Steven is drunk, and he even slurs his speech when talking with Officer. Yet, suddenly, in the middle of page 2, Steven becomes perfectly sober. Also, I don't think a cop would take a seemingly drunk driver at his word when the driver claims to be the son of a powerful politician, especially when they don't even share the same last name.
1st: "No Irish Need Apply" by Mike M
Well written with an amusing concept. I loved the potatoes jokes, as well as your description of the setting.
2d: "Realistic" by Cyan
Also well-written, and I was captivated by the thought of realities competing with one another for residents. Billy and Joseph were defined well through their conduct and conversation. Ulrik was a bit more of a mystery, which I suppose was the point.
3d: "You Gotta Know the Rules" by Tangent
This was a very cute story. It would probably have been my first choice had nobody attempted the secondary objective.
Honorable Mentions
"Middle of the Pack" by Aaron. I thought the second-person narration worked well with this story. I got the feeling that I was overhearing the main character's thoughts about himself.
"Broyles '24" by ThLunarian. This was well-written, and I liked that it tied in with your story from the last challenge. However, I didn't think Agent Thompson acted realistically. I don't think an agent of the organization interrogating Broyles would be so easily cowed by the man; she should have been more aggressive. Still, it was an interesting story told well through dialogue. (One note of no consequence: I doubt Broyles could run again. The Constitution prohibits any person from being elected more than twice, so unless Broyles was not elected the first time, and served less than two years as president, then he would probably be disqualified by the 22nd Amendment.)
Additional Thoughts
"Purify" by Charade. I found the world in which this was set interesting, and the story itself, as well. There were a few technical errors (for instance, you spelled "ohvitser" as "ovitser" at one point, and several times capitalized the "i" in "Silve"), but overall I thought it was well-written.
"Frankie the Can Man" by FloursisBritush. This was a touching story. There were a few places with technical errors, but it wasn't too distracting. I didn't like your description of how the cans "crackled as tin crinkled against tin." When I think of a sound that "crackles," I think of fireworks (or Rice Krispies in a bowl of milk). And I don't think of "crinkle" as a verb, but as a type of cut for potato chips and French fries. Finally, I didn't like the last sentence, for two reasons: first, because I don't think ducks have a hard time getting off a river before they drown; second, because the idea of being on a fixed path with only limited opportunities of escape didn't show up anywhere else in the story. Of course, I can reinterpret the rest of the story in light of the final sentence and try to make it fit, but it may have been better to have Frankie start out at the river so I'd have that image in my mind as I'm reading it the first time.
"Ascension" by Azih. There were a number of technical errors in this story. For instance, you refer to the "H.U." as the "Humanity United," then the "Human Union," and even the "H.R." Most of the errors were missing punctuation, particularly at the end of "H.U." I also got a bit confused in the second half of the second page, when the characters are walking through the cafeteria. You never say expressly that Joene and Karem filled their plates with food, so I thought "Plates piled high" was just an undeleted vestige of a prior version of that paragraph (where you were describing the cafeteria as including tall stacks of plates, for instance). If you had said, "Plates piled high with food, Karem and Joene walked..." then it would have been clearer. Other than those errors, I liked the story, and I liked your use of the word "sibilant."
"A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles" by QuantumBro. There were a few minor technical errors here. Around the middle of page 1, Officer concludes a statement with "the highway is safe enough for." On the bottom third of page 2, you placed "He begins to read STEVEN his Miranda rights" in the stage directions. But since that involves speaking, you should have included the rights as part of his speech. But my bigger problem with this was how implausible it all seemed. First, we're told from the outset that Steven is drunk, and he even slurs his speech when talking with Officer. Yet, suddenly, in the middle of page 2, Steven becomes perfectly sober. Also, I don't think a cop would take a seemingly drunk driver at his word when the driver claims to be the son of a powerful politician, especially when they don't even share the same last name.
Tough choices this week.
Aaron: Honestly, still trying to process how I feel about this one. First off all, I don’t think you were off from the topic at all, the final line is precisely what I would call “asking the right questions.” I had problems with the first person present tense business, as it was ascribing actions to me that I would absolutely not do even with a gun to my head and described a life I have never lived. At the same time though, I don’t think that you could easily turn this into first or third person without needing to rewrite significant portions of it. I mean sure, you could do a simple pronoun swap out for most of it and keep much of it intact, but despite my dislike of being denied agency in a story that was supposedly about me, I think it would be really boring to hear someone narrate that they or someone else did these things as written. So ironically the only reason it works at all is that it’s 2nd person. I liked some of the details that were not explicitly spelled out to the reader (the part about living in Boston all year for one day in particular), I’ve been reading a lot of efforts (not here) where people are having a tendency to explain everything. Not sure how actually feel about the ending. On the one hand, it’s a bit of a downer and subverts the “underdog makes good” story cliché, but on the other hand I don’t think there was any alternative pay off. Like we needed to follow the runner to the end and see them arrive at an answer to the question. As it is, it’s just open ended.
Azih: I think when working with a piece this short about concepts as grandiose as first contact with galactic civilization at large, itÂ’s probably better to be as minimalistic as possible in the background information, because I donÂ’t believe itÂ’s possible to address adequately and still have enough words left over to tell a story when we only have 2K to work with. In this instance, I felt a little incredulous that aliens broadcasting their intent to all the worldÂ’s governments simultaneously would bring the entire world together without at least a few hold outs thinking itÂ’s a plot of terrestrial governments or the aliens themselves, etc. If that background information hadnÂ’t been known and it had just been the architectural student being offered a strange job by the diplomatic mission to the aliens, I think it would have worked just as well. I was hooked waiting to find out what the crazy request that had been made of her was, but honestly I think I was disappointed that it was to build a comedy club for the aliens. That is a pretty bizarre request and all, but the way it was concealed for so long caused me to build up my expectations to the point where I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s possible for it to have been something that I wouldnÂ’t have found disappointing. Anyway, have you read Embassytown by China Mieville? If you havenÂ’t, you totally should, it touches on a similar theme of aliens being addicted to human behavior.
ThLunarian: IÂ’m honestly kind of surprised that in the aftermath of the alien attack that theyÂ’ve gotten their shit together as much as they have. From the descriptions of DC, it sounds like it got as hammered as the Seattle area in the last story, but they have a functional government and law enforcement. I suppose it could always be like the Enclave in Fallout 3 where theyÂ’re just declaring that theyÂ’re the legitimate government with jurisdiction over the populace and everyone else is a little more incredulous on the matter, but I didnÂ’t get that impression. The cops seemed like normal cops, not the sort of totalitarian state police I would have expected in a post-apocalyptic scenario. This actually seemed like a set up to a story that I would be far more interested in reading where a former (possibly some state of undead) president returns from the dead with superpowers to challenge the incumbent in an election. ThatÂ’d be fuck awesome, actually, but I wonder how well it would work in the backdrop of an America laid to waste rather than intact society I know I mentioned the comic book thing in the feedback for the last entry, but have you honestly given any consideration to actually writing up a script or manuscript or whatever the hell the proper name of the document for the writing of a comic book is called? You may be able to team up with an artist at some point and get this in visual form.
Mike M: Eh, my format reference was different than the one in the OP (that I somehow overlooked initially), but close enough for jazz. You know, once upon a time, I would have thought this would be easy as pie for me. My first fumbling forays into “legitimate” writing were a few years ago, writing up comedy sketches for a group effort that never went anywhere (I’ve actually gone and rewritten some of them into narratives for past entries). Writing scripts always had an appeal to me because A.) Dialogue is easier for me than descriptive scenes B.) I like to think I have a good sense of comedic timing and delivery, which is way easier to convey in a performance than a written piece. That said, I found that changing gears back to a script was kind of hard for me at first. I’m in this weird place where something like the transcript entry I had a few weeks back is easy (absolutely nothing but dialogue and sound cues), and straight narrative is also easy, but a script where it’s dialogue with stage directions felt… weird. That said, for the first time ever I got to a point in my revision process where I got to a draft that I didn’t change anything on. Not that I think it’s perfect, but it’s pretty much at the limit of my ability to improve upon.
FlowersisBritish: Welcome to the club, hope my rambling walls of text feedback don’t put you off future participation : P Reading a day in the life of someone with severe disability trying to just get by was a bit of a depressing read for me. At first it was just because I have a developmentally challenged nephew who I worry about how he’s going to get on in the world, but then it took a turn for me when it was implied that Frankie used to be normal. That changes the frame of reference dramatically, because now we’re no longer looking in on someone who exists on the fringes of society because of his apparent mental disability, we’re looking at someone who we could potentially be but for a turn of bad luck with a stroke or traumatic brain injury. That sort of shit is one of my deepest irrational fears (I kind of chalk it all up under a fear of maiming), so that struck a deep nerve. At a macro level, I think the only part that didn’t really work for me was him pantomiming eating with a spoon and saying “Co,” only to have the guy at the counter instantly figure out that he was trying to ask for something cold to eat. Seems like communicating that should have taken a lot more effort, but then again I may just be particularly dense sometimes. I also was expecting there to be some sort of payoff to the welling panic at finding a hole in his shirt, but it seemed like for as preoccupied as he was about it, he forgot it pretty quickly. On a finer grained level, this needed some polish. I still can’t quite parse what “He turned to whole of the white cement wall” is supposed to mean, I saw some typos like “new” instead of “knew” (at least twice), and some strangely contradictory descriptions such as tossing something gingerly and describing the hair on someone’s shaved head.
Tangent: I immediately loved the idea of a little kid detective with a detective kit and rules governing their… detecting. The execution didn’t work for me, as the “emergency kit” seems to have been forgotten almost as soon as it was introduced, and the rules were too front-loaded and immediately overstayed their welcome. The greater spacing between the recitation of the rules that came after the initial flurry was the right pace for them. I thought from the description of the movie that they were watching G-Force, but having never actually seen the movie, I can’t be sure, because driving a convertible into space seems pretty out there even for a kid’s movie (but the absurdity of it combined with the deadpan delivery made me guffaw). Had a few niggling issues with this one. Putting aside whether the plural of “Lego” is “Legos” or “Lego” (“Legos” is apparently a US-only thing), it shouldn’t be all caps unless it’s an acronym (Which I’m pretty sure it’s not?) Also not sure how they would know what this teacher is like on the last day of school unless they had her before. That isn’t outside the realm of possibility (My 4th grade teacher was my 6th grade teacher), but seems like if that were the case it should be mentioned. Also also, “beeline.” Also also also, I got the impression from the text that the teacher was fairly far along in her pregnancy, a miscarriage at that stage seems like it would require hospitalization (and may also technically be called a still birth). In her position, I’m not so sure I would have responded so positively to the kids’ efforts to make things better, but that’s just me. And the main character found it striking that “Nobody else failed to notice” that the teacher was crying, but it seemed that it should have been that “everybody else failed to notice” or that “nobody else noticed” because the way it’s written the whole class knew.
Cyan: I have to wonder if your gut instinct that putting this in script format wasnÂ’t going to harm it somehow, as I think the sort of concepts at play here probably work better in a descriptive narrative. I really, really, really, really like the premise of realities competing for residents in the way that that the states in the US compete amongst themselves, but itÂ’s a concept so high that it needs a lot of scaffolding to not collapse upon itself and would probably need a considerably longer story than this to fully detail how the rules of such an operation would work. Residents of a given state are at least aware of the existence of other states, whereas we (and the characters in this story) are not currently aware of any other realities. Yet for someone to act as an envoy to recruit more desirable residents, people need to be aware of the other realities. This is not an insurmountable obstacle by any means (perhaps some realities are totalitarian states that withhold the knowledge of the existence of other realities, for instance), but like I said, it needs a lot of room to operate. I found Ulrik to be a curiously awful salesperson in this regard, as he seemed strangely disengaged from the conversation he helped foment, only to come in after they had been talking at length about it and say that they were discussing a tangent that he hadnÂ’t intended. If we take it at face value that everything he said was true (as the ending seemed to indicate), then what exactly was he going for? He didnÂ’t seem to be particularly interested in recruiting the two guys. His purpose seemed to be limited to raising the specter of (and later confirming) the existence of competing realities and not much else. Also found it weird that he would have the Daily Show with Craig Ferguson still on the air when he went out into a dimension that from all impressions seemed to have some sort of steampunk overtones where the existence of TV at all seems kind of a weird thought.
QuantumBro: I had some problems with this right from the outset. I havenÂ’t been to a play in ages, but I donÂ’t think programs would contain scene descriptions that would include incredibly important details like the police car has no recording equipment. On the flipside, I find it absolutely incomprehensible that the LAPD of all police departments would have police cruisers without dash cams or any other recording equipment given their history. So right from the start, we have a credulity problem. Then Steven does a face plant getting out of his car, and the officer decides to arrest him without administering a field sobriety test. IÂ’ve never been pulled over for suspicion of DUI, but IÂ’m almost certain that you canÂ’t be summarily arrested without failing the test or refusing to take it. Or maybe IÂ’m completely wrong and television and movie depictions have filled my heads with naught but lies. Putting aside the legitimacy of the arrest, I donÂ’t think the officer in question acted very logically. Steven doesnÂ’t have the same last name as the governor, and he has no reason to assume that Steven is telling the truth about not having any alcohol in his system, because then StevenÂ’s actions would make literally no sense. He would be out driving around *acting* like heÂ’s drunk in the hopes that he could get pulled over, intentionally trip and face plant on the pavement, and then reveal his dastardly scheme about setting up the arresting officer? WhatÂ’s the end game there? At the very least the officer should have made a few phone calls to verify the story and administer a breathalyzer test. I realize that the lack of the breathalyzer test is kind of integral to StevenÂ’s threat, but it just kind of makes the whole set up fatally flawed.
Metaphoreus: This one was kind of an odd read. With a name like “Rudy Morduck,” it immediately became impossible for me to divorce the pastiche from the target, which just left me scratching my head when the narrative tried to weave the story that seemed to run counter to the reality of Fox News at every turn. I think a lot of the comedic beats and pacing were swallowed whole by thoughts of, “But that’s not how it happened!” running through my mind. Not Fox News floundering in the ratings? Only deciding to turn to appeal to conservatives after 10 years of failure? Glen Beck had a TV show that was somewhere else? Is this supposed to exist in a world where Fox News also exists? But “Morduck” has access to Sean Hannity, who has a show on Fox News? It’s like Schrodinger’s News Network, where Fox News simultaneously does and does not exist in the same universe as this fictional, unnamed station. I was also a little confused by Thompson’s role in all this. He’s the news anchor, but does he also have producer credit for his show as well? That’s me speaking from ignorance of how much influence the anchor wields over a news broadcast, but I’m pretty sure that being responsible for the website is entirely outside of his purview, which just made an already weird conversation even weirder for me. On a technical level, I don’t think it’s correct to refer to character names in all caps in the dialogue. The whole point of the all caps is to make it easier for an actor to spot their lines and stage actions easier, seems like doing it in the dialogue of others would defeat that purpose. Nice call out to video game message board forums though : )
Charade: My first thought while reading this was that there were too many italicized emphasis words. Try reading those aloud, it seems really strange and unnatural to be stressing words so frequently, and not all of the ones that are stressed are necessarily the part of speech that would make it sound very natural to me. This was exacerbated by the internal thoughts also using italicized words too, because by the time we got to the spoken dialogue with the stressed words, weÂ’d already been conditioned to several internal thoughts, and it made my brain skip the track a bit to recalibrate. I mostly liked the brief glimpses of world building, though IÂ’m of the opinion that the bits about ancestors, lost technology, and space travel didnÂ’t really add anything to the story and was a bit muddling. Oppressive totalitarian governments work just as well on the ground without the extraneous fluff : ) The fact that the guy was her son was a genuine twist I didnÂ’t see coming, and once the purpose of his visit became clear (well, we knew he was going to kill her for some reason, but not that reason), it did a lot to crystallize this character in my mind as a ruthless, cold-blooded, son of a bitch. IÂ’m not entirely sure how she was an obstacle if he was an orphan and she was stricken from all records, though. I think instead of talking about lost ancestors and technology, we could have used a line along the lines of how if he could find her and his parentage, than anyone could, and he would need to complete what his father started, blah blah blah. Seems like it would be a simple thing to tie a knot on.
Votes:
1.) Cyan
2.) Aaron
3.) Charade
Aaron: Honestly, still trying to process how I feel about this one. First off all, I don’t think you were off from the topic at all, the final line is precisely what I would call “asking the right questions.” I had problems with the first person present tense business, as it was ascribing actions to me that I would absolutely not do even with a gun to my head and described a life I have never lived. At the same time though, I don’t think that you could easily turn this into first or third person without needing to rewrite significant portions of it. I mean sure, you could do a simple pronoun swap out for most of it and keep much of it intact, but despite my dislike of being denied agency in a story that was supposedly about me, I think it would be really boring to hear someone narrate that they or someone else did these things as written. So ironically the only reason it works at all is that it’s 2nd person. I liked some of the details that were not explicitly spelled out to the reader (the part about living in Boston all year for one day in particular), I’ve been reading a lot of efforts (not here) where people are having a tendency to explain everything. Not sure how actually feel about the ending. On the one hand, it’s a bit of a downer and subverts the “underdog makes good” story cliché, but on the other hand I don’t think there was any alternative pay off. Like we needed to follow the runner to the end and see them arrive at an answer to the question. As it is, it’s just open ended.
Azih: I think when working with a piece this short about concepts as grandiose as first contact with galactic civilization at large, itÂ’s probably better to be as minimalistic as possible in the background information, because I donÂ’t believe itÂ’s possible to address adequately and still have enough words left over to tell a story when we only have 2K to work with. In this instance, I felt a little incredulous that aliens broadcasting their intent to all the worldÂ’s governments simultaneously would bring the entire world together without at least a few hold outs thinking itÂ’s a plot of terrestrial governments or the aliens themselves, etc. If that background information hadnÂ’t been known and it had just been the architectural student being offered a strange job by the diplomatic mission to the aliens, I think it would have worked just as well. I was hooked waiting to find out what the crazy request that had been made of her was, but honestly I think I was disappointed that it was to build a comedy club for the aliens. That is a pretty bizarre request and all, but the way it was concealed for so long caused me to build up my expectations to the point where I donÂ’t know if itÂ’s possible for it to have been something that I wouldnÂ’t have found disappointing. Anyway, have you read Embassytown by China Mieville? If you havenÂ’t, you totally should, it touches on a similar theme of aliens being addicted to human behavior.
ThLunarian: IÂ’m honestly kind of surprised that in the aftermath of the alien attack that theyÂ’ve gotten their shit together as much as they have. From the descriptions of DC, it sounds like it got as hammered as the Seattle area in the last story, but they have a functional government and law enforcement. I suppose it could always be like the Enclave in Fallout 3 where theyÂ’re just declaring that theyÂ’re the legitimate government with jurisdiction over the populace and everyone else is a little more incredulous on the matter, but I didnÂ’t get that impression. The cops seemed like normal cops, not the sort of totalitarian state police I would have expected in a post-apocalyptic scenario. This actually seemed like a set up to a story that I would be far more interested in reading where a former (possibly some state of undead) president returns from the dead with superpowers to challenge the incumbent in an election. ThatÂ’d be fuck awesome, actually, but I wonder how well it would work in the backdrop of an America laid to waste rather than intact society I know I mentioned the comic book thing in the feedback for the last entry, but have you honestly given any consideration to actually writing up a script or manuscript or whatever the hell the proper name of the document for the writing of a comic book is called? You may be able to team up with an artist at some point and get this in visual form.
Mike M: Eh, my format reference was different than the one in the OP (that I somehow overlooked initially), but close enough for jazz. You know, once upon a time, I would have thought this would be easy as pie for me. My first fumbling forays into “legitimate” writing were a few years ago, writing up comedy sketches for a group effort that never went anywhere (I’ve actually gone and rewritten some of them into narratives for past entries). Writing scripts always had an appeal to me because A.) Dialogue is easier for me than descriptive scenes B.) I like to think I have a good sense of comedic timing and delivery, which is way easier to convey in a performance than a written piece. That said, I found that changing gears back to a script was kind of hard for me at first. I’m in this weird place where something like the transcript entry I had a few weeks back is easy (absolutely nothing but dialogue and sound cues), and straight narrative is also easy, but a script where it’s dialogue with stage directions felt… weird. That said, for the first time ever I got to a point in my revision process where I got to a draft that I didn’t change anything on. Not that I think it’s perfect, but it’s pretty much at the limit of my ability to improve upon.
FlowersisBritish: Welcome to the club, hope my rambling walls of text feedback don’t put you off future participation : P Reading a day in the life of someone with severe disability trying to just get by was a bit of a depressing read for me. At first it was just because I have a developmentally challenged nephew who I worry about how he’s going to get on in the world, but then it took a turn for me when it was implied that Frankie used to be normal. That changes the frame of reference dramatically, because now we’re no longer looking in on someone who exists on the fringes of society because of his apparent mental disability, we’re looking at someone who we could potentially be but for a turn of bad luck with a stroke or traumatic brain injury. That sort of shit is one of my deepest irrational fears (I kind of chalk it all up under a fear of maiming), so that struck a deep nerve. At a macro level, I think the only part that didn’t really work for me was him pantomiming eating with a spoon and saying “Co,” only to have the guy at the counter instantly figure out that he was trying to ask for something cold to eat. Seems like communicating that should have taken a lot more effort, but then again I may just be particularly dense sometimes. I also was expecting there to be some sort of payoff to the welling panic at finding a hole in his shirt, but it seemed like for as preoccupied as he was about it, he forgot it pretty quickly. On a finer grained level, this needed some polish. I still can’t quite parse what “He turned to whole of the white cement wall” is supposed to mean, I saw some typos like “new” instead of “knew” (at least twice), and some strangely contradictory descriptions such as tossing something gingerly and describing the hair on someone’s shaved head.
Tangent: I immediately loved the idea of a little kid detective with a detective kit and rules governing their… detecting. The execution didn’t work for me, as the “emergency kit” seems to have been forgotten almost as soon as it was introduced, and the rules were too front-loaded and immediately overstayed their welcome. The greater spacing between the recitation of the rules that came after the initial flurry was the right pace for them. I thought from the description of the movie that they were watching G-Force, but having never actually seen the movie, I can’t be sure, because driving a convertible into space seems pretty out there even for a kid’s movie (but the absurdity of it combined with the deadpan delivery made me guffaw). Had a few niggling issues with this one. Putting aside whether the plural of “Lego” is “Legos” or “Lego” (“Legos” is apparently a US-only thing), it shouldn’t be all caps unless it’s an acronym (Which I’m pretty sure it’s not?) Also not sure how they would know what this teacher is like on the last day of school unless they had her before. That isn’t outside the realm of possibility (My 4th grade teacher was my 6th grade teacher), but seems like if that were the case it should be mentioned. Also also, “beeline.” Also also also, I got the impression from the text that the teacher was fairly far along in her pregnancy, a miscarriage at that stage seems like it would require hospitalization (and may also technically be called a still birth). In her position, I’m not so sure I would have responded so positively to the kids’ efforts to make things better, but that’s just me. And the main character found it striking that “Nobody else failed to notice” that the teacher was crying, but it seemed that it should have been that “everybody else failed to notice” or that “nobody else noticed” because the way it’s written the whole class knew.
Cyan: I have to wonder if your gut instinct that putting this in script format wasnÂ’t going to harm it somehow, as I think the sort of concepts at play here probably work better in a descriptive narrative. I really, really, really, really like the premise of realities competing for residents in the way that that the states in the US compete amongst themselves, but itÂ’s a concept so high that it needs a lot of scaffolding to not collapse upon itself and would probably need a considerably longer story than this to fully detail how the rules of such an operation would work. Residents of a given state are at least aware of the existence of other states, whereas we (and the characters in this story) are not currently aware of any other realities. Yet for someone to act as an envoy to recruit more desirable residents, people need to be aware of the other realities. This is not an insurmountable obstacle by any means (perhaps some realities are totalitarian states that withhold the knowledge of the existence of other realities, for instance), but like I said, it needs a lot of room to operate. I found Ulrik to be a curiously awful salesperson in this regard, as he seemed strangely disengaged from the conversation he helped foment, only to come in after they had been talking at length about it and say that they were discussing a tangent that he hadnÂ’t intended. If we take it at face value that everything he said was true (as the ending seemed to indicate), then what exactly was he going for? He didnÂ’t seem to be particularly interested in recruiting the two guys. His purpose seemed to be limited to raising the specter of (and later confirming) the existence of competing realities and not much else. Also found it weird that he would have the Daily Show with Craig Ferguson still on the air when he went out into a dimension that from all impressions seemed to have some sort of steampunk overtones where the existence of TV at all seems kind of a weird thought.
QuantumBro: I had some problems with this right from the outset. I havenÂ’t been to a play in ages, but I donÂ’t think programs would contain scene descriptions that would include incredibly important details like the police car has no recording equipment. On the flipside, I find it absolutely incomprehensible that the LAPD of all police departments would have police cruisers without dash cams or any other recording equipment given their history. So right from the start, we have a credulity problem. Then Steven does a face plant getting out of his car, and the officer decides to arrest him without administering a field sobriety test. IÂ’ve never been pulled over for suspicion of DUI, but IÂ’m almost certain that you canÂ’t be summarily arrested without failing the test or refusing to take it. Or maybe IÂ’m completely wrong and television and movie depictions have filled my heads with naught but lies. Putting aside the legitimacy of the arrest, I donÂ’t think the officer in question acted very logically. Steven doesnÂ’t have the same last name as the governor, and he has no reason to assume that Steven is telling the truth about not having any alcohol in his system, because then StevenÂ’s actions would make literally no sense. He would be out driving around *acting* like heÂ’s drunk in the hopes that he could get pulled over, intentionally trip and face plant on the pavement, and then reveal his dastardly scheme about setting up the arresting officer? WhatÂ’s the end game there? At the very least the officer should have made a few phone calls to verify the story and administer a breathalyzer test. I realize that the lack of the breathalyzer test is kind of integral to StevenÂ’s threat, but it just kind of makes the whole set up fatally flawed.
Metaphoreus: This one was kind of an odd read. With a name like “Rudy Morduck,” it immediately became impossible for me to divorce the pastiche from the target, which just left me scratching my head when the narrative tried to weave the story that seemed to run counter to the reality of Fox News at every turn. I think a lot of the comedic beats and pacing were swallowed whole by thoughts of, “But that’s not how it happened!” running through my mind. Not Fox News floundering in the ratings? Only deciding to turn to appeal to conservatives after 10 years of failure? Glen Beck had a TV show that was somewhere else? Is this supposed to exist in a world where Fox News also exists? But “Morduck” has access to Sean Hannity, who has a show on Fox News? It’s like Schrodinger’s News Network, where Fox News simultaneously does and does not exist in the same universe as this fictional, unnamed station. I was also a little confused by Thompson’s role in all this. He’s the news anchor, but does he also have producer credit for his show as well? That’s me speaking from ignorance of how much influence the anchor wields over a news broadcast, but I’m pretty sure that being responsible for the website is entirely outside of his purview, which just made an already weird conversation even weirder for me. On a technical level, I don’t think it’s correct to refer to character names in all caps in the dialogue. The whole point of the all caps is to make it easier for an actor to spot their lines and stage actions easier, seems like doing it in the dialogue of others would defeat that purpose. Nice call out to video game message board forums though : )
Charade: My first thought while reading this was that there were too many italicized emphasis words. Try reading those aloud, it seems really strange and unnatural to be stressing words so frequently, and not all of the ones that are stressed are necessarily the part of speech that would make it sound very natural to me. This was exacerbated by the internal thoughts also using italicized words too, because by the time we got to the spoken dialogue with the stressed words, weÂ’d already been conditioned to several internal thoughts, and it made my brain skip the track a bit to recalibrate. I mostly liked the brief glimpses of world building, though IÂ’m of the opinion that the bits about ancestors, lost technology, and space travel didnÂ’t really add anything to the story and was a bit muddling. Oppressive totalitarian governments work just as well on the ground without the extraneous fluff : ) The fact that the guy was her son was a genuine twist I didnÂ’t see coming, and once the purpose of his visit became clear (well, we knew he was going to kill her for some reason, but not that reason), it did a lot to crystallize this character in my mind as a ruthless, cold-blooded, son of a bitch. IÂ’m not entirely sure how she was an obstacle if he was an orphan and she was stricken from all records, though. I think instead of talking about lost ancestors and technology, we could have used a line along the lines of how if he could find her and his parentage, than anyone could, and he would need to complete what his father started, blah blah blah. Seems like it would be a simple thing to tie a knot on.
Votes:
1.) Cyan
2.) Aaron
3.) Charade
Of course you can vote.
Aaron – Middle of the Pack: Man this was so depressing (in a good way!). One thing: I liked the bit about the mother in the beginning and wondered if it would tie in at the end. I also really liked how you wrote in second person. I thought this was really powerful for the subject matter. Are you a runner? I know one or two quite elite runners and it’s neat to see how much this story reflected some of their own personal experiences. I also like how running reflected so much of life at large in your story.
Azih – Ascension: This was so fun to read. What struck me the most was the creativity of it all. How did you think of this?! I guess it also struck me personally because I love comedy. (Though you’d never know because I can barely hold a conversation about comedy.) I think it is really magical so I can relate to the aliens! I also liked the dialog and the description that detailed the interaction between Karem and Joene.
ThLunarian – Broyles '24: This was really fun to read. I found it funny that the president thought that the interrogator had no sense of humor. Also, I liked the wicked smile at the end. Your story reminded me of a Simpsons episode where 2 aliens compete against each other for presidency but either way, one of them would win. Anyway, the vibe I got at the end was that the president was indeed an alien. If this was supposed to be more disputable, it would have been cool if the interrogation left it as more of a mystery for the reader.
I didnÂ’t get to read the story with the soundtrack but was able to listen to it later and sort of skim over the story again. I am unfortunately not too familiar with Lost so it was good to at least hear some of the music. I found it bone-chilling scary though, which seemed to be at odds with the storyÂ… the story seemed to be a bit lighter. Am I wrong to interpret that?
MikeM – No Irish Need Apply: This was really fun to read, I am NOT very used to reading play scripts, but now I want to read more! I almost wish I could have HEARD this story rather than just read it. (Who doesn’t like to hear an Irish accent?!) Somehow I didn't like the ending so much with the new candidate coming in and the director's response.
FlowersisBritish – Frankie The Can Man: This was really interesting. It was peaceful in some ways. Perhaps because (a) I’m reading a book where one powerful character is somewhat of a genius but also entirely silent, (b) I just ran into someone who I see daily – he works at a front desk and he is an adult with developmental disabilities. Everyone is always struck by how he puts everyone in a good mood; instead of needing assistance from society, he seems to help everyone else caught in their rat race. Anyway, I severely digress. I THINK Frankie wasn’t born like this but had an injury, is that correct? This is fascinating in and of itself, and it makes me think of the ending. I can’t quite make sense of the ending but maybe that’s me. It felt like it ended abruptly and I found myself wondering if I didn’t capture all the pages to your story! From what I’ve observed, I’ve found that adults who have experienced some sort of TBI resulting in brain injury have a much more emotionally hard time dealing with their disability than people born with their disability. From what I could make of it, Frankie didn’t feel that way. I also thought it was cool how Frankie made that analogy of himself as water: fluid and adaptable but also totally at the whim of his surroundings.
Cyan – Realistic: This was such a fun story. The subject matter – and how you switched from topic to topic – was so gripping, and fluid. Though, I kept on wanting to know more about Ulrik the Terrible! I kind of pictured the father from "How to Train Your Pet Dragon" or "Brave." I liked the line, after "It makes total sense." The line being, "If you ignore the fact that it, like, doesn't. At all." Ha! The language was really natural. I think your dialog has improved tremendously. (Not like it was ever “bad” in the first place though.) It’s pretty top-notch!
QuantumBro – A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles: This read well and fluidly, and it was a fun story. I thought it was confusing that Steven's demeanor changed from drunk to totally sober. If that was clarified more, then I would have liked his character more. But if he was in fact drunk and deserved to be called out for drunk driving, then I found it frustrating that he was a punk… frustrating because in some ways he was a likeable MC and I wanted to like him but couldn't!
Metamorpheous – WWGBD: I really, really liked the bits about the Venn diagrams and making all these plot graphs to describe things to the impatient, lazy public (including me!). I also liked the ongoing commentary about sarcasm! And I like to the confusion between an iPod and an iPad. This story was hilarious and it just got better and better as the story went on.
Charade – Purify: I wanted to know more about the woman, Silve Cherein. But maybe it’s good that a short story left me wondering more about her. Anyway, I very much liked how you revealed that the woman was the killer’s husband and I my heart practically skipped a beat when he still shot her without a second’s thought. It was also interesting how he wasn’t the least bit surprised to learn that he was her son. He didn’t know in advance, right? Also, does this mean that the killer was a rebel against the government? And that he wanted to kill her to protect himself? I wanted to know more about how her name was erased. I also liked how this whole story was set in a future, high-tech world with an oppressive government. However, I kept on visualizing our world, with an oppressive government. Perhaps more detail in the world you were creating would have been helpful. Anyway, what a stylish story: I was so impressed with how you revealed the woman’s identity and the man’s response.
I'll vote later....
On a side note, I've been curious: you guys are all writers, and I think writers tend to read a lot. They say a writer who writes and doesn't read is a bit of a poser. I don't read as much as I'd like to. How much do all of you read?! Based on your awesome writing, I'd guess several hours each day!
Azih – Ascension: This was so fun to read. What struck me the most was the creativity of it all. How did you think of this?! I guess it also struck me personally because I love comedy. (Though you’d never know because I can barely hold a conversation about comedy.) I think it is really magical so I can relate to the aliens! I also liked the dialog and the description that detailed the interaction between Karem and Joene.
ThLunarian – Broyles '24: This was really fun to read. I found it funny that the president thought that the interrogator had no sense of humor. Also, I liked the wicked smile at the end. Your story reminded me of a Simpsons episode where 2 aliens compete against each other for presidency but either way, one of them would win. Anyway, the vibe I got at the end was that the president was indeed an alien. If this was supposed to be more disputable, it would have been cool if the interrogation left it as more of a mystery for the reader.
I didnÂ’t get to read the story with the soundtrack but was able to listen to it later and sort of skim over the story again. I am unfortunately not too familiar with Lost so it was good to at least hear some of the music. I found it bone-chilling scary though, which seemed to be at odds with the storyÂ… the story seemed to be a bit lighter. Am I wrong to interpret that?
MikeM – No Irish Need Apply: This was really fun to read, I am NOT very used to reading play scripts, but now I want to read more! I almost wish I could have HEARD this story rather than just read it. (Who doesn’t like to hear an Irish accent?!) Somehow I didn't like the ending so much with the new candidate coming in and the director's response.
FlowersisBritish – Frankie The Can Man: This was really interesting. It was peaceful in some ways. Perhaps because (a) I’m reading a book where one powerful character is somewhat of a genius but also entirely silent, (b) I just ran into someone who I see daily – he works at a front desk and he is an adult with developmental disabilities. Everyone is always struck by how he puts everyone in a good mood; instead of needing assistance from society, he seems to help everyone else caught in their rat race. Anyway, I severely digress. I THINK Frankie wasn’t born like this but had an injury, is that correct? This is fascinating in and of itself, and it makes me think of the ending. I can’t quite make sense of the ending but maybe that’s me. It felt like it ended abruptly and I found myself wondering if I didn’t capture all the pages to your story! From what I’ve observed, I’ve found that adults who have experienced some sort of TBI resulting in brain injury have a much more emotionally hard time dealing with their disability than people born with their disability. From what I could make of it, Frankie didn’t feel that way. I also thought it was cool how Frankie made that analogy of himself as water: fluid and adaptable but also totally at the whim of his surroundings.
Cyan – Realistic: This was such a fun story. The subject matter – and how you switched from topic to topic – was so gripping, and fluid. Though, I kept on wanting to know more about Ulrik the Terrible! I kind of pictured the father from "How to Train Your Pet Dragon" or "Brave." I liked the line, after "It makes total sense." The line being, "If you ignore the fact that it, like, doesn't. At all." Ha! The language was really natural. I think your dialog has improved tremendously. (Not like it was ever “bad” in the first place though.) It’s pretty top-notch!
QuantumBro – A Late Night Traffic Stop in Los Angeles: This read well and fluidly, and it was a fun story. I thought it was confusing that Steven's demeanor changed from drunk to totally sober. If that was clarified more, then I would have liked his character more. But if he was in fact drunk and deserved to be called out for drunk driving, then I found it frustrating that he was a punk… frustrating because in some ways he was a likeable MC and I wanted to like him but couldn't!
Metamorpheous – WWGBD: I really, really liked the bits about the Venn diagrams and making all these plot graphs to describe things to the impatient, lazy public (including me!). I also liked the ongoing commentary about sarcasm! And I like to the confusion between an iPod and an iPad. This story was hilarious and it just got better and better as the story went on.
Charade – Purify: I wanted to know more about the woman, Silve Cherein. But maybe it’s good that a short story left me wondering more about her. Anyway, I very much liked how you revealed that the woman was the killer’s husband and I my heart practically skipped a beat when he still shot her without a second’s thought. It was also interesting how he wasn’t the least bit surprised to learn that he was her son. He didn’t know in advance, right? Also, does this mean that the killer was a rebel against the government? And that he wanted to kill her to protect himself? I wanted to know more about how her name was erased. I also liked how this whole story was set in a future, high-tech world with an oppressive government. However, I kept on visualizing our world, with an oppressive government. Perhaps more detail in the world you were creating would have been helpful. Anyway, what a stylish story: I was so impressed with how you revealed the woman’s identity and the man’s response.
I'll vote later....
I find it sooooo impressive how people don't even submit a story still read all the stories and are eager to vote or provide feedback. Props to you. I myself usually find it difficult to read all the stories. This time, they were so fun to read and they were all very impressive. I think that's usually the case, but I often wait until the last minute when I'm so deliriously tired that I run out of bandwidth to digest them all.
On a side note, I've been curious: you guys are all writers, and I think writers tend to read a lot. They say a writer who writes and doesn't read is a bit of a poser. I don't read as much as I'd like to. How much do all of you read?! Based on your awesome writing, I'd guess several hours each day!
QuantumBro
Banned
Lots of good stories this week. I had a hard time narrowing it down from 5, so I just gave my votes to the ones that did the secondary objective. Comments are short since I don't have too much time on my hands.
Aaron - Felt like something out of Fight Club.
Azih - I wish it was a little longer to expand on the history, but you used all the words you had.
ThLunarian - Lance Reddick was suppose to be the president, right?
MikeM - The last line made me burst out into laughter at work.
FlowersisBritish - You did a great job of having the Frankie communicate without words.
Tangent - Nice, fun, kids detective story. Reminded me of Zombieland with all the rules.
Cyan - The dialogue flowed really well. The descriptions of the bar and its inhabitants were great.
Metamorpheous - I thought the GB was going to stand for George Bush. I've taken marketing classes and this reminded me of some conversations I had with group members.
Charade - Really cool world you had set up there and I loved how evil the guy was.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. MikeM
3. Metamorpheous
Aaron - Felt like something out of Fight Club.
Azih - I wish it was a little longer to expand on the history, but you used all the words you had.
ThLunarian - Lance Reddick was suppose to be the president, right?
MikeM - The last line made me burst out into laughter at work.
FlowersisBritish - You did a great job of having the Frankie communicate without words.
Tangent - Nice, fun, kids detective story. Reminded me of Zombieland with all the rules.
Cyan - The dialogue flowed really well. The descriptions of the bar and its inhabitants were great.
Metamorpheous - I thought the GB was going to stand for George Bush. I've taken marketing classes and this reminded me of some conversations I had with group members.
Charade - Really cool world you had set up there and I loved how evil the guy was.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. MikeM
3. Metamorpheous
Aaron Really enjoyable read and asks some tough questions on growing up and trying to deal with some of the lies told to us as we're growing up about achievement and hard work.
TheLunarian You're writing some great stuff but they're like snippets rather than full stories. It's like you're building and populating a setting more than telling a self contained story. The personality of the president really shines through here.
MikeM Great comic skit. I really don't know what to say in my comments to you because I certainly don't have any critiques.
FlowersisBritish Could have used some more passes for editing but it's a lovely story nonetheless. Frankie's efforts to survive and the sporadic kindnesses shown to him by strangers make for a moving tale.
Tangent I always really love your stories and this one really is no exception. The 'detective' work from the three kids and their efforts to cheer up their teacher is just really empathic and heartfelt all around.
Cyan I really liked it. Joseph seeming like an ass throughout but his dropping serious knowledge was a really nice way to finish the story. Ulrik and his motiviations weren't fleshed out out but I suppose he was meant to be mysterious.
QuantumBro An odd little play but evocative. The cop just trying to do his job faced with a low grade sadist in Steven made for a very interesting encounter. I'm honestly glad that it was just an encounter and the officer's life wasn't ruined.
Metaphoreus Really liked the interplay between the boss and the hapless host. Didn't really get a sense for Thompson's personality though. He came off as bland compared to Morduck but of course Morduck has a really overwhelming personality.
Charade Great imagery and the way the truth of the two character's relationship is revealed without being outright explicit about it was brilliantly done. Pretty harsh ending but it was earned.
Votes
1. Tangent.
2. QuantumBro
3. Cyan
HM: Everyone else. Honestly reading the stories makes me ok with not getting votes. It's a really strong group of writers here.
TheLunarian You're writing some great stuff but they're like snippets rather than full stories. It's like you're building and populating a setting more than telling a self contained story. The personality of the president really shines through here.
MikeM Great comic skit. I really don't know what to say in my comments to you because I certainly don't have any critiques.
FlowersisBritish Could have used some more passes for editing but it's a lovely story nonetheless. Frankie's efforts to survive and the sporadic kindnesses shown to him by strangers make for a moving tale.
Tangent I always really love your stories and this one really is no exception. The 'detective' work from the three kids and their efforts to cheer up their teacher is just really empathic and heartfelt all around.
Cyan I really liked it. Joseph seeming like an ass throughout but his dropping serious knowledge was a really nice way to finish the story. Ulrik and his motiviations weren't fleshed out out but I suppose he was meant to be mysterious.
QuantumBro An odd little play but evocative. The cop just trying to do his job faced with a low grade sadist in Steven made for a very interesting encounter. I'm honestly glad that it was just an encounter and the officer's life wasn't ruined.
Metaphoreus Really liked the interplay between the boss and the hapless host. Didn't really get a sense for Thompson's personality though. He came off as bland compared to Morduck but of course Morduck has a really overwhelming personality.
Charade Great imagery and the way the truth of the two character's relationship is revealed without being outright explicit about it was brilliantly done. Pretty harsh ending but it was earned.
Votes
1. Tangent.
2. QuantumBro
3. Cyan
HM: Everyone else. Honestly reading the stories makes me ok with not getting votes. It's a really strong group of writers here.
Votes:
1- Tangent
2- FlowersisBritish
3- Charade
Comments:
Azih - You have a nice twist on a familiar formula and do a great job of establishing the characters involved, but the structure remains just a little too familiar. I wish you had mixed it up a little more from the standard reveal conversation into something that wasn't all verbal.
ThLunarian - Neat concept with snappy dialogue, but not sure if the interrogation scene is the best to place it. The sort of conversation that should be taking place leading up to and during a moment. Like it should have been a little shorter, and ended up with him getting out of a limo to begin his new campaign.
Mike M - Smart dialogue that's full of character, but I'm a little surprised Jared is reading straight off the page, and not trying to brogue it up a little more. Also the casting director had to be deranged not to expect the Irish to come in the third time.
FlowersisBritish - It's a sweet story following this poor man around. I'm a sucker for hard luck cases, but you write this one well, and never manipulate the reader into sympathy, but present it all in a positive light.
Tangent - No other story stuck with the theme as well as you did, while you also presented a complete story with a cast of characters and a series of events to uncover the mystery. I guessed the answer straight off since you put 'pregnant' in such a stark line. But it doesn't really matter since it's all about Omar's discovery, and later solution to the problem.
Cyan - It's a little sweary and confrontational before I ever know the characters involved. Creates a distant from the start instead of ingratiating the reader with these characters. It's an interesting concept, but it's overall too expository for my tastes. I think it would be better if it had gotten confrontational before the man had the chance to explain, and resulted in some interesting things happening.
QuantumBro - What a dick. It's a different spin on the rich kid playing police officer stunt for sure. Could have used a little more meat to it, but I understand you didn't have the time to dress it more.
Metaphoreus - It's a good concept, twisting the meaning of right there, but it spends too much time explaining. I think it would have been more interesting to start with a short, but standard newscast, and end with the changed format version.
Charade - Solid story. Strong characters, and delivered the result that I had hoped for, not wanting it to devolve into sentiment or some reversal of fortune. Could have used a little more details to spruce it up, but everything about the world is explained just as much as it needs to be.
1- Tangent
2- FlowersisBritish
3- Charade
Comments:
Azih - You have a nice twist on a familiar formula and do a great job of establishing the characters involved, but the structure remains just a little too familiar. I wish you had mixed it up a little more from the standard reveal conversation into something that wasn't all verbal.
ThLunarian - Neat concept with snappy dialogue, but not sure if the interrogation scene is the best to place it. The sort of conversation that should be taking place leading up to and during a moment. Like it should have been a little shorter, and ended up with him getting out of a limo to begin his new campaign.
Mike M - Smart dialogue that's full of character, but I'm a little surprised Jared is reading straight off the page, and not trying to brogue it up a little more. Also the casting director had to be deranged not to expect the Irish to come in the third time.
FlowersisBritish - It's a sweet story following this poor man around. I'm a sucker for hard luck cases, but you write this one well, and never manipulate the reader into sympathy, but present it all in a positive light.
Tangent - No other story stuck with the theme as well as you did, while you also presented a complete story with a cast of characters and a series of events to uncover the mystery. I guessed the answer straight off since you put 'pregnant' in such a stark line. But it doesn't really matter since it's all about Omar's discovery, and later solution to the problem.
Cyan - It's a little sweary and confrontational before I ever know the characters involved. Creates a distant from the start instead of ingratiating the reader with these characters. It's an interesting concept, but it's overall too expository for my tastes. I think it would be better if it had gotten confrontational before the man had the chance to explain, and resulted in some interesting things happening.
QuantumBro - What a dick. It's a different spin on the rich kid playing police officer stunt for sure. Could have used a little more meat to it, but I understand you didn't have the time to dress it more.
Metaphoreus - It's a good concept, twisting the meaning of right there, but it spends too much time explaining. I think it would have been more interesting to start with a short, but standard newscast, and end with the changed format version.
Charade - Solid story. Strong characters, and delivered the result that I had hoped for, not wanting it to devolve into sentiment or some reversal of fortune. Could have used a little more details to spruce it up, but everything about the world is explained just as much as it needs to be.
ThLunarian
Member
Votes:
1. Azih
2. Mike M
3. Tangent
Just to respond to some comments about the president interrogation story...
-I wrote the scene with Kate Beckett (from the TV show Castle) and Josiah Bartlett (Martin Sheen on The West Wing) in mind. In hindsight, I feel like I should've said "screw it" and gone full-on fanfiction. I may actually do that going forward. The names can always be changed if publication is ever considered
-It is supposed to be a little up in the air on whether the president is an alien. I'll decline to give you the true answer in case it comes up for a future prompt
-The music may not have been the best choice. I only put music with it because I was under the erroneous assumption that we were doing a movie script; since it was supposed to be a play script, the use of a soundtrack was even more out of place. Also you may be right about the tone of the music. Something to keep in mind going forward
-Mike M, that future story you mentioned is exactly what I have in mind. I'm definitely building toward something, and these prompts are helping me slowly develop it. The comic idea is pretty interesting and I do know an artist friend, so I will give that some consideration.
Thanks for the feedback guys!
1. Azih
2. Mike M
3. Tangent
Just to respond to some comments about the president interrogation story...
-I wrote the scene with Kate Beckett (from the TV show Castle) and Josiah Bartlett (Martin Sheen on The West Wing) in mind. In hindsight, I feel like I should've said "screw it" and gone full-on fanfiction. I may actually do that going forward. The names can always be changed if publication is ever considered
-It is supposed to be a little up in the air on whether the president is an alien. I'll decline to give you the true answer in case it comes up for a future prompt
-The music may not have been the best choice. I only put music with it because I was under the erroneous assumption that we were doing a movie script; since it was supposed to be a play script, the use of a soundtrack was even more out of place. Also you may be right about the tone of the music. Something to keep in mind going forward
-Mike M, that future story you mentioned is exactly what I have in mind. I'm definitely building toward something, and these prompts are helping me slowly develop it. The comic idea is pretty interesting and I do know an artist friend, so I will give that some consideration.
Thanks for the feedback guys!
Not as much as I'd like to either! I think it'd only help too... Though I did just start working and have a pretty long commute, so I was thinking of listening to audiobooks or something to pass the time. I don't know how well I'd like that though, in terms of it being distracting or not having your full attention on the book...
Anyways, here are my votes! As others have mentioned, lots of great entries this time.
1. Tangent
2. Aaron
3. Mike M
HM: Cyan, Metaphoreus
Sorry for no comments/feedback
... But hopefully I will be able to write some later when I find the time (it could be even after the challenge is done).FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Aaron- I love second person narratives. They are my favorite narratives, when they're don right, and this did it right. I just really liked it general, and I felt the second person was a good choice because I felt it emphasized how little control the main character had, and it made the last question more impactful.
Azih - I really like the twist that no one else laughs. That's just clever, cute, and it such a good reason for aliens to give a damn about us.
ThLunarian- I really really really hate exposition. When the president talked about his actions, I was just "what's the point. Thompson already knows this." What I wanted more of was him being, or at least thinking, he's the goddamn president. The idea of him running for president is just great, especially since he is so sure of himself. I would really like to see what happens, and how he'd campaign himself. Overall, I really like the ideas you have in play here. Also, I feel you had too many directions, one thing I like about scripts is that they can leave a lot to the imagination.
MikeM- This was really funny, and the twist that he wasn't irish has hysterical, same with the ending and title. Basically, the entire thing is pure gold. That said, I don't like the exposition where the director says the scenes. Granted, I've never been to an audition, but if the actor had a chance to read the script, shouldn't be expected of him to know the scenes and not need them described to him?
Tangent- I really like the way you told the story, and how the kid kept to a detective handbook. It's very genuine, and plays out very interestingly from the beginning, with the teacher crying during the movie. That said(Not a doctor or ever experience this sorta thing so not sure) if she had a miscarriage would she still look pregnant? I think I know what you're going for, but I don't think its called a miscarriage, but I don't know for sure. Also, I feel the ending is too cheerful. Maybe cause I'm a dark person, but I would think being reminded of it would make her cry more. I dunno.
Cyan- I really like the philosophical things at play here, and its neat and I love the idea of some random dude starting conversations with strangers at bars, in part cause I'm that person. The idea of moving to better realities is really cool in the backdrop of capitalism, and it makes for a really fun idea in a fun story. That said, I think it would be better if you made it more subtle that he was from another dimension. Yeah, its good for laughs, but I dunno, it might have been just as cool if you were a little more subtle. Also, I hate the ending just cause it ends with the cliche'd "I need a drink."
QuantumBro- I like the idea and execution. Everything works quick and well, and the situation makes sense till the end. I get that he's doing this for the thrills, but I would have liked a better ultimatum. Really, what happens at the end is nothing really changes. He could have put this cop into a really dire situation for his own amusement, but just goes "nah get out of here."
Metaphoreus(SPELT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!)- This is very funny. I love how Thomson is constantly being threatened throughout the entire thing. I feel like all the gag jokes where the boss pulls something out work well, and "Glen Beck" what a better person to emulate. I laughed a lot reading this.
Charade- I'm not a fan of exposition, and have to ask "did he really need to tell her his entire life story?" Why should she care? That said, I do really like the comparison he makes to moses, its vague but that's what makes it work. I also really liked how ruthless he was, and the comment about shooting the kids was great. Also, your end line was fantastic.
Votes:
1.Mike M
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
Also thanks for the input, i didn't have as much time to edit as I would have liked, although I am a terrible editor regardless. I don't so much know rules of grammar as much as feel around them. If anyone's got some useful tips I'd love to hear them. This was based off a homeless guy that digs through the trashes where I work, who I am pretty sure is schizophrenic, but I didn't want to write about that cause that's a little too personal for me to want to deal with.
Azih - I really like the twist that no one else laughs. That's just clever, cute, and it such a good reason for aliens to give a damn about us.
ThLunarian- I really really really hate exposition. When the president talked about his actions, I was just "what's the point. Thompson already knows this." What I wanted more of was him being, or at least thinking, he's the goddamn president. The idea of him running for president is just great, especially since he is so sure of himself. I would really like to see what happens, and how he'd campaign himself. Overall, I really like the ideas you have in play here. Also, I feel you had too many directions, one thing I like about scripts is that they can leave a lot to the imagination.
MikeM- This was really funny, and the twist that he wasn't irish has hysterical, same with the ending and title. Basically, the entire thing is pure gold. That said, I don't like the exposition where the director says the scenes. Granted, I've never been to an audition, but if the actor had a chance to read the script, shouldn't be expected of him to know the scenes and not need them described to him?
Tangent- I really like the way you told the story, and how the kid kept to a detective handbook. It's very genuine, and plays out very interestingly from the beginning, with the teacher crying during the movie. That said(Not a doctor or ever experience this sorta thing so not sure) if she had a miscarriage would she still look pregnant? I think I know what you're going for, but I don't think its called a miscarriage, but I don't know for sure. Also, I feel the ending is too cheerful. Maybe cause I'm a dark person, but I would think being reminded of it would make her cry more. I dunno.
Cyan- I really like the philosophical things at play here, and its neat and I love the idea of some random dude starting conversations with strangers at bars, in part cause I'm that person. The idea of moving to better realities is really cool in the backdrop of capitalism, and it makes for a really fun idea in a fun story. That said, I think it would be better if you made it more subtle that he was from another dimension. Yeah, its good for laughs, but I dunno, it might have been just as cool if you were a little more subtle. Also, I hate the ending just cause it ends with the cliche'd "I need a drink."
QuantumBro- I like the idea and execution. Everything works quick and well, and the situation makes sense till the end. I get that he's doing this for the thrills, but I would have liked a better ultimatum. Really, what happens at the end is nothing really changes. He could have put this cop into a really dire situation for his own amusement, but just goes "nah get out of here."
Metaphoreus(SPELT IT RIGHT THIS TIME!)- This is very funny. I love how Thomson is constantly being threatened throughout the entire thing. I feel like all the gag jokes where the boss pulls something out work well, and "Glen Beck" what a better person to emulate. I laughed a lot reading this.
Charade- I'm not a fan of exposition, and have to ask "did he really need to tell her his entire life story?" Why should she care? That said, I do really like the comparison he makes to moses, its vague but that's what makes it work. I also really liked how ruthless he was, and the comment about shooting the kids was great. Also, your end line was fantastic.
Votes:
1.Mike M
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
Also thanks for the input, i didn't have as much time to edit as I would have liked, although I am a terrible editor regardless. I don't so much know rules of grammar as much as feel around them. If anyone's got some useful tips I'd love to hear them. This was based off a homeless guy that digs through the trashes where I work, who I am pretty sure is schizophrenic, but I didn't want to write about that cause that's a little too personal for me to want to deal with.
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Just so you know, I hold you personally responsible for everyone who misspelled my name in this thread.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
I'm sorry metaporygon D:
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Votes:
1. Azih
2. Aaron
3. Charade
hm. Metamorpheous
Btw, these stories were sooooo solid this time around. You guys are all pros.
1. Azih
2. Aaron
3. Charade
hm. Metamorpheous
It sounds like you take public transit or walk... nice gig! I endorse audio books 100%! I used to listen to them on transit to work, and still do if I'm just going for a walk. I think a good audio book is so theatrical and brings a book to life in a new way. They often get extremely talented actors/voices, and sometimes have good music too. It makes for a good sound track to whatever you're doing in life. And if there are funny parts, then you crack up out loud and people think you're crazy; it's great!
I hear you, good point. This actually happened to someone, friend of a friend of a friend type of thing. And they were almost in the 3rd trimester, and it happened on the last day of school, and she wanted to leave because she was so upset but felt that she oughtta stick it out for the last day. But you're right: IDK the details of any of it and how it made sense medically. (The detective bit didn't happen, so you're right, maybe she wouldn't perk up so easily! And I like dark endings too, normally. I think my endings are sometimes TOO dark though!)
Btw, these stories were sooooo solid this time around. You guys are all pros.
1. "No Irish Need Apply" by Mike M - Made me laugh, that counts for a lot.
2. "You Gotta Know the Rules" by Tangent - Made me sad, that counts for a lot too.
3. "Ascension" by Azih - Didn't do either of those things, but I loved the premise too much to not vote for it.
I had to think pretty hard about my votes this go-round.
2. "You Gotta Know the Rules" by Tangent - Made me sad, that counts for a lot too.
3. "Ascension" by Azih - Didn't do either of those things, but I loved the premise too much to not vote for it.
I had to think pretty hard about my votes this go-round.
I, uh... Mostly read these challenges, I guess? I don't have a lot of free time, and I have a million things I want to play/watch/read at any given time.
I used to read on my lunch break at work, but now I do revisions of my entries : P
You bite your nails over the silliest things.
Well, I do seem to come in 2nd by only a few points a lot.
ThLunarian
Member
I read neogaf, and textbooks for school. Leisurely reading is something I've sworn off until I'm done with college.
Congrats, Tangent
Congrats, Tangent
Well I'm taking the train for these first few weeks (training and stuff), but after that I'll be driving. Hmm, don't know how that'd be... Well, only one way to find out!
Congrats btw!
Audiobooks are awesome, but last I priced them out, they were way more than I was willing to spend.
I used to turn on text-to-speech on my OG Kindle 3 and listen to books as read by Stephen Hawking on my drives to and from work. Then it died and I got a Paperwhite, only to discover there was no headphone jack, forcing me to actually read like a plebe D :
I used to turn on text-to-speech on my OG Kindle 3 and listen to books as read by Stephen Hawking on my drives to and from work. Then it died and I got a Paperwhite, only to discover there was no headphone jack, forcing me to actually read like a plebe D :
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Congratulations, Tangent!
I read a lot. And if I've been reading something really good or impressive, it often infects my style for the next story or two (e.g. my unfinished story from last time around clearly took inspiration from Neil Gaiman). This can be very helpful, as if I find something works for me, I can kind of incorporate it into the toolbox. If it doesn't work, well, it probably just means I'm not winning that particular challenge.
Incidentally, from that list I can strongly recommend the following as examples of great writing:
Maus by Art Spiegelman (horrifying, beautiful, human)
Sandman by Neil Gaiman (push past the first two volumes to where it starts getting really good)
Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh (humor)
Paladin of Souls by Lois McMaster Bujold (Bujoldian fantasy)
The Riddle-Master of Hed trilogy by Patricia McKillip (YA fantasy in the vein of Earthsea)
The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks (smart far-future scifi)
Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer (horror scifi similar to Roadside Picnic/Stalker)
The Quiet American by Graham Greene (literary, Vietnam pre-war)
The Making of the Atomic Bomb by Richard Rhodes (nonfiction)
Wow, thanks for the congrats! OK, lemme think, I'll post something soon.
And it's great to hear everyone's input on how much they are able to read! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks a bunch for that list. I'm gonna try to make it through it! Currently, I'm almost done reading The Wind Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami. I just got The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss and The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera from the library.
And wow thanks for the feedback; I feel like people have been raving about River of Gods. I don't read sci-fi as much as I'd like and was thinking of picking that one up!
...
Honestly, I think the interwebs encroaches on my reading time....
And it's great to hear everyone's input on how much they are able to read! Thanks for sharing.
Oh no, how sad that NeoGAF is encroaching on your leisurely reading/viewing/playing time!
Yeah, don't you hate that? I always find it ironic how when trying to GET an education, so many people have to swear off reading.
I've seen this at bookstores & thumbed through it. Is this any different than her website? I agree though, it's hilarious, but I often think what makes it hilarious is her artwork. I'll pay attention more to her writing. I do appreciate her brutal honesty. I think that's hard but of paramount importance to be that honest when writing.
Thanks a bunch for that list. I'm gonna try to make it through it! Currently, I'm almost done reading The Wind Up Bird Chronicles by Haruki Murakami. I just got The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss and The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera from the library.
I wish I read the New Yorker more, for its fiction!
And wow thanks for the feedback; I feel like people have been raving about River of Gods. I don't read sci-fi as much as I'd like and was thinking of picking that one up!...
Honestly, I think the interwebs encroaches on my reading time....
Here is the new thread!
- Status