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[Nezumi]

Some short comments:

Timedog: This was confusing to read at times, which I guess was intentional. In the end I didn't really understand what was going on but I liked the banter between Carl and Mitchell.

Zakalwe: I really didn't see the twist coming and I liked that. Not sure how someone would be able to perform heart surgery on oneself though. Or any transplantation for that matter.

Chainsawkitten: It's funny how this might actually the most upbeat piece of yours that I've read. I'm not gonna write much about this though because I fear that my bone-deep hatred of everything that has anything to do with Kafka will get the better of me and I'll end up writing a 2000 word essay about said hatred. But I do think that you caught the essentials of The Metamorphosis quite well.

SquiddyCracker: After having read Zakalwe's story the twist in this one was kind of obvious, which isn't your fault of course. I had a bit trouble imagining the Myrr. Shouldn't there have been more acts of their revenge if they are treated like a common pest everywhere, resulting in the realization that they are indeed more intelligent then they seem.

Mike M: That wasn't as bad as you made us believe your first drafts were The whole twist that Anton and his partner are secretly harvesting organs came a little bit out of the blue though, which I guess is kind of what a twist is supposed to do but for me it just threw the story in a weird direction. I think I might have actually preferred a slice of life gay romance.

QuantumBro : A little bit too weird for my taste. I was always looking for some hint as to understand what was going on but it didn't come. And stuff like the witch and the outsiders didn't really help to clear this confusion. I know that this must have been at least partly intentional but personally I would have liked a bit more clarity on what was going on.

exifixate: The twerking might have been a little too much but as a whole this was really funny and I liked the idea. I would have loved to see the demon realm and society a bit more fleshed out though.

Sober: I don't thing I'll ever understand twitter. Though to be fair it isn't all that popular over here. I actually don't know a single person who uses it (which doesn't keep some of them to post #stupidnonsense stuff on their facebook all the time thoug:/).

Tangent : I think by now it is save to say that you are somewhat obsessed with bunnies I actually think that this is one would have profited from some polishing. But i loved the atmosphere you created.

FlowersisBritish: I think I understood what you were going for pretty quick, but think that you overdid a bit lengthwise because the story got hard to follow after a time. Neat idea though.

Cyan: I enjoined the part of the mission itself but would have liked to learn a little bit more about the stream. Not about it's physics but what significance it has for that particular universe (galaxy?) and a bit more about the role of the climbers... but yeah word count is a bitch, tell me about it...

Ashes : Liked the part where the main character talks with his sister. Your portrayal of emotions was spot on as always.

Nezumi: Like I already said in my post above, this was kind of a test run for a setting I plan on using for my next NaNo project. But I didn't plan this according to the word count at all and had to leave out a lot. So I had way too little descriptions and explanations and action and... yeah... suits me right for actually trying to plan my stories.

Charade: For this I would have wished for some more background. What was so bad about the war the first king started, what did the new one do wrong to lose his head as well. The writing was really good though.


And here are my votes. Like always it wasn't easy to choose and the similarities in themes and concepts made it even harder this week.

1.)Zakalwe
2.)exifixate
3.)Ashes

HM: Tangent

 

[Mike M]

Mike M: That wasn't as bad as you made us believe your first drafts were

Spoiler

I TRIED!

 

[Cyan]

Cyan: ... All this stuff about Stream physics, is this the same universe where you had that one about the “crackshot” pilot that I likened to Launchpad McQuack a while back? I recall it had something like that involved.

Good eye. Yeah, it's a universe I've been thinking about and writing stories in for a while. I think altogether five or six of my GAF shorts and a NaNo novel have been set there. Usually the Stream itself isn't particularly prominent in those stories, since it's a little hard to explain briefly.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Timedog - Relish

An excellent interpretation of everyday madness of a homeless person (He was the homeless guy wasn't he? Imagining himself as Carl)

Zakalwe - Cracks in the Mirror

Gorgeous story, excellent use of the relatively limited supplies of words granted.

Chainsawkitten - The inversion of....

It was absurd, but I like your eye for details when it comes to the experience of an inverted physiology.

Squiddycracker - An eye for an eye for an eye

I wish I could have gone over it a couple of more times, I agree with the critiques in that the Myrr could have been expanded upon. The idea was that it was known amongst the Scholars that the Myrr had the potential to quickly adapt to challenges.The reason they're a pest is because they have two modes of reproduction, via eggs laid by any adult Myrr, and via spores that are released by Myrr dying from old age - which spread by the wind.

Therefore, the Hierocracy has dedicated a Bureau of Extermination to hunting down nests and destroying them wherever they appear. Of course in some places, the nests go by unnoticed as they gather resources (often ending up killing various animals for nourishment, but very rarely humans) until they reach critical mass and their dormant genetic memory pushes them to grow a Myrr civilization - an occurrence the Hierocracy has once dealt with in the past at great cost.

So normally, they do manage to successfully terminate hives properly, so that there are no survivors left to add to the genetic memory, but in this case we had the rare case of an outlaw settlement that didn't officially exist request the aid of a mercenary of dubious skills trying to make a name for himself.

A couple of lines about Myrr "consuming all they see" and "It was the law, the highest law, to report Myrr sightings to the High Officators." might have helped.

I kinda wanted to push the idea of them being information sponges on a species level, and the only reason they have genetic dormant memories that turn them antagonistic versus humans is because of humans culling them in some ancient past when they peaceful.

Meat Market - Mike M

Great revenge story, all the technical stuff is superb.

QuantumBro - Awake

It is overall intriguing, but I feel too short. The little introduction seem disconnected from the Silent Hill-esque town experience, so something to pad that out would have helped, or going for shorted dreams, but several of them to better push the theme.

Exifixate - Hell hath no Fury

I love this!
Hilarious stuff, for a first try it's pretty darn good.

Sober - A simmer and Burn

This was really clever.
Twitter is an interesting medium for telling a story.
It would have been fascinating to see it play out in real time though, that's my one bit of criticism.

Tangent - Cricket Hunt

I think I was with you up until the last two paragraphs. Is the transformation into a bunny meant to be a parallel to her own hunting of the crickets, in that her own brother is kinda turning her into a prey just like the bugs?

But I'm also tired, so expect the following feedback to remain at this level:

FlowersisBritish - Forward

I think i see what you did there, but I think it would have been more interesting if the narrator didn't have an insight into the inner lives of the characters ("Fantasizing about what kind of life he would have") but stick to the observational style it started with.

Cyan - Climber

I think that this could have used a deeper explanation of the Stream, but overall good considering it is a draft. For example, I could see why their main mode of (what I presume is) FTL transportation stopping for up to a year, but why is reversing (what I presume is the flow of) the Stream a problem?

Would be interesting to hear a deeper explanation of the Stream, I love the concept of it and there's so much you could do with a space river-analog like that.

Ashes - A functioning Alcoholic

Tricky title Ashes

Very poignant, but I wouldn't have minded a meta layer (I felt like I got some with the mentions of cliches and main characters.)

Nezumi - In Theory

Feels like an prologue, but will probably make a great longer story. As is, it seems to be creating a solid basis upon not much happens.

The Rebel and the king, by Charade

Oh wow, that was a masterful tweest. They are tricky to summon, you gotta keep up the confusion right up until the penultimate moment, and you managed do to that splendidly.

Votes:

1. Exifixate
2. Charade
3. Chainsawkitten

 

[Chainsawkitten]

There's a profound and disturbing lack of squirrels in An eye for an eye for an eye.

 

[QuantumBro]

1. Chainsawkitten
2. Nezumi
3. Charade
HM: Ashes

 

[Charade]

Timedog - Relish: This was hilarious, maybe P). I was surprised actually by how smooth the transition was between the full prose and the script style towards the end there. Though probably because the scene where it happened was dialogue-heavy (or would've been if it was prose).

Zakalwe - Cracks in the Mirror: Great imagery, especially in the beginning part. I liked the twist here, it made me go back and reread the first part to see how you played with words and such to pull it off.

Chainsawkitten - The Inversion of Eric Smith: I always found The Metamorphosis to be very disturbing, and I think you captured that same feeling quite well. I think it's how matter of fact the protagonist is especially.

SquiddyCracker - An eye for an eye for an eye: I see the spiders turned into Myrr I thought maybe the description of the Myrr was a little too vague as I had a hard time picturing them in my head. But I guess that also helped a bit towards their inhuman/fantastical qualities. Overall, I liked this, especially the implications at the end of the Myrr POV character becoming a sort of harbinger of revenge. Oh, and watching that stream was pretty cool. It's always interesting seeing how others write.

Mike M - Meat Market: The first thing I noticed about this was that the title was also an "MM." Yeahh, I'm weird like that... but anyways, on to the story! I really really liked Marcus' speech at the end. I don't know if was because of that or just how it was written, but the final part, where Anton starts to panic, didn't really work for me. After reading your comments on the story, it seems like you sorta felt the same way.

QuantumBro - Awake: This was interesting. You do a really good job at the blunt/direct first person narrating. One thing I was left wondering about was whether the ritual actually did help the town return to normal. Or did she just trick him to torture the poor guy.

exifixate - Hell Hath No Fury: This was such a cool idea. Really funny and with some great imagery too. Very hellish.

Sober - A Simmer and a Burn: I found it interesting how different the story felt getting it piece by piece over the last week versus reading the whole thing now. I’m not really sure which one I prefer. All in all, a really neat idea, and I feel bad for the protagonist, though it seems like he’ll manage.

Tangent - Cricket Hunt: Another metamorphosis! You always have really cool and diverse settings. I liked this, rabbit transformation included. I don't know if I liked the ending though, with the father now suddenly interested in her because of the magic returning. I get what you were going with there (I think), but it just felt like he needed to do more to redeem himself.

FlowersisBritish - Forward: This was a really neat idea. I think it may have gone on a bit too long/too many characters, but overall I enjoyed it. Was the repeated "dressed in black staring down into a hole" picture depicting funerals? And at the end I got the idea that maybe he was in hell, but I'm not sure.

Cyan - Climber: Y'know, this hard mode sounds like it was possibly more difficult than the no-vowel-of-choice thing. Though I've never tried either so I wouldn't know (and I'm a chicken so I don't plan on trying either anytime soon! ). But anyways, this was quite a feat considering that it's a really cool story. The Stream is also an awesome idea. I thought the ending was a little abrupt and the middle portion may have gone on a bit too long, but it's understandable given the restrictions you had while writing.

Ashes - Functioning Alcoholic [first draft honest!#-';?]: Hah, that ending. I liked how you kept the relationship between the two neighbors a mystery (well, hinted at it, but never outright confirmed anything). Lots of depth in the writing itself. There's this quality to it that I really like. I guess it's just your style

Nezumi - In Theory: I enjoyed this, though I almost wish you talked a bit more about the toxic gases you mentioned in the thread in the story itself. That's a really really cool idea, one I could definitely see a novel based around.

1. Ashes
2. exifixate
3. Tangent

 

[exfixate]

There was some fantastic output here. To narrow it down to three:

1. Chainsawkitten - That is one hell of an image. I keep wanting to imagine Eric riding the subway, his organs swaying with the car's movements and squelching as they bump into people. Some right wicked shit. Also, for some reason the idea of hairy, sweaty skin on the inside of a person is more disturbing to me than the organs on the outside bit.

2. Charade - I'll echo others sentiments here and say that I didn't see the revelation coming. The violence was very well written; it's always nice when you can almost hear the blood splatter when you're reading it.

3. Squiddycracker - As a man currently at war with wasps that have taken up residence in my attic, this story hit close to home. Let's hope the bastards don't figure out the whole "burn my house down" thing. It's hard, if not impossible, to within 2000 words build up not only a fantasy world but a creature like the Myrr, with such complex physiology and psychology, but you gave me just enough to make it all stick.

 

[Tangent]

Do you guys seriously write this well on first and final drafts?! That's amazing. You guys are amazing.

Votes:
1. Charade
2. Chainsawkitten
3. MikeM
hm. I can think of 3 or 4 right off the bat for hm, so I might as well list them all!

I don't think that "Oldigor" really has a meaning. Maybe it is the name of their founder? The link should work now.

Cool thanks, I'll check it out tomorrow!

Ok it's hard to give feedback on some but not others but I have to point this one out:
exifixate -- hilariously great dialog! you could write a whole series of teens and hell!

 

[Sober]

Votes, votes, votes!

1. exifixate
2. Chainsawkitten
3. Zakalwe

 

[Mike M]

Do you guys seriously write this well on first and final drafts?! That's amazing. You guys are amazing.

Of course not, mine's revised to hell.

 

[Ashes]

1. Fanfic*
2. Twerk
3. Twitpic







*erotic Fanfic.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

There's a profound and disturbing lack of squirrels in An eye for an eye for an eye.

Hey, can't have squirrels if they never evolved in the first place.

 

[Nezumi]

Voting is over! Since Chainsawkitten isn't eligible to win because he hasn't voted the results are as follows:

1.) exifixate - Hell Hath No Fury
2.) Charade - The Rebel and the King
3.) Ashes - Functioning Alcoholic [first draft honest!#-';?]

Vote Count:

Chainsawkitten: 16 (3)
exifixate: 15 (3)
Charade: 13 (2)
Ashes: 5 (1)
Zakalwe: 4 (1)
Nezumi: 2
Cyan: 1
Mike M: 1
SquiddyCracker: 1
Tangent: 1
Sober: 1


Congratulation exifixate. Seems like you are of to a great start with these challenges
Now go and give us all something new to write about!

 

[Zakalwe]

I'm really sorry everyone, I completely forgot to post my votes last night. I think I was too caught up ion the Destiny launch hype, for some reason my brain was telling me I had until tomrrow. ;_;

My 1 vote would have gone to exifixate anyway, the premise of his story was so much fun.

Thank you all for the feedback, especially Mike. You highlighted issues I was concerned about, but didn't address for some reason. I'll definitely pay more attention with the next one. Thanks

 

[exfixate]

I am well and truly humbled! Thank you very much, everyone.

Spoiler

Chainsawkitten you should have voted! I'll try and make you proud.

If we're going Tuesday to Friday, I guess the new thread needs to go up today? I'll take some time and review the previous topics to make sure I pick something unique.

 

[Mike M]

Woooooo, I haven't bombed that hard in ages.

 

[Charade]

Congrats exfixate! First time's the charm

And yes, usually the thread goes up sometime today.

 

[ThLunarian]

Also, when you make the new thread please make sure you post a link to it in this one, to help people who rely heavily on the Subscription function

And congratulations!

 

[exfixate]

Alright, here we go. The timing was just too perfect to not go with this theme:

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge # 152 - "Summer's End"