Wow that template looks amazing. Is that something you got in Word?
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #163 - "Family"
- Thread starter Red
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Wow that template looks amazing. Is that something you got in Word?
No, I put it together in Google docs.
I wish I met more people as interested in the writing community as you when I was taking workshop classes.
Didn't see Ashes post this time. Too bad. I always look forward to what he's got to say.
I'm something of an enthusiastic idiot when it comes to a writing community, though I know more what I'm talking about than I used to. I thrive on feedback, and I can talk with someone about their story for ages. It took me a while to rein in my habit if prescriptivism, but I think I'm mostly there. Plus I think I do a decent job of not getting defensive, either.
There are a handful of impressively professional writers on GAF, and I'm glad the writing community is as open as it is so I can try to at least contribute. A lot of you have good attitudes. It is hard to find quality like that and it's great to see it here.
Ooo. Whats the template called or how did you do it?
It might be possible if Adobe Acrobat is available as an app.
I'm not sure what specifically you're asking about. I set left and right margins at 1.6". Created a horizontal line break beneath the title and above the footer. Font throughout is Goudy Bookletter 1911.
I was being incredibly unobservant/lazy, apologies.
Pages has the option. I use Pages.
I updated my link (exact same document, just passworded) and broke Mike's.
My link's to your post itself, so it's fine.I was being incredibly unobservant/lazy, apologies.
Pages has the option. I use Pages.
I updated my link (exact same document, just passworded) and broke Mike's.
I wrote of a family going The Troubles in Northern Ireland at the height of The Troubles. Showed it to a friend who suggested that I work on it, so I've left it alone for a while. So by that measure it become ineligible for any of these challenges.
Have this cheery song instead:
https://youtu.be/6Ejga4kJUts
Of course, passwords and things.
My fiancé got home yesterday after a two week trip, I may not be giving paying attention to other things the proper attention.
1. Mike M - Namenlos
2. Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna
3. Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again
HM - Cyan - The Ship People
Really good bunch of stories all around! Voting was hard!
Feedback
Cyan - The Ship People
I loved how the parts of this story came together, the initial portion about junk ships was gripping and created an awesome setting for the following scenes as we really understood why the dad had no other options. Great illustration of the dedication of family. I was intrigued to know how he got the object, what it was, etc. The girl's voice was very clear in the story, got a sense that she was telling this story to grandchildren or something.
Aaron - An Ungodly Solution
This was a fun read. It covered a lot of ground and time so we knew the consequences of the initial sacrifice, but I would have loved to get to know the gods a little better. Like what would the conversation have been during that first dinner? It was a cool story, would have liked more details to flush it out a bit.
Sethista - Choices
I liked the change from the game to reality, and I felt you built up the character's anger and frustration with his real life well. It illustrated well how a game can provide a true escape. I'm not sure about using bullet points for the dialogue, it was an interesting choice but made it somehow harder to follow.
Tangent - Still Got Pancakes
Great illustrations, it added so much to the tone of the story. It became really clear why football meant so much to the character as his place to finally fit in. I didn't really understand the rules of the church, and it was confusing why the character lied and covered his tracks in the first place if he was then willing to keep doing football once found out. I loved the end. Pancakes somehow representing his family valuing him and him realizing he can get pancakes elsewhere!
Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again.
I loved the blending between Beni doing his makeup and the flashbacks of how he got here. You got a real sense of how he had found himself and the makeup wasn't trying to hide himself, but express himself. I think the changes could have been distinguished a little more clearly. Maybe using italics or some kind of signal to tell the difference between past and present. Even with the paragraphs seperating it still was a tiny bit confusing. Since he adopted a new drag mom, I really wanted to know how he felt about his own mom and his dad's reaction. The story was clear, just wondering how he felt about his parents.
Gaz_RB - Junkies
This was really cool and creepy. The gun and it all going wrong felt inevitable, but still well done. Particularly the woman's laugh as she shot at them, the tables turned. I wasn't sure about the very last bit, after losing one of their family it just felt unlikely that the prank would still appeal to them. The incident was so jarring and extreme it felt like they should have been deeply affected, or that the end could have shown how they were changed by it.
Namenlos - Mike M
You did a great job creating imagery while moving the story forward fast. I loved the detail of how the witches looked, and climbing up walls/ceilings somehow brought the whole scene to life. The tension between the witches and the hunter felt very real. It wasn't totally clear why the witches found the grimoire hard to decipher and the hunter could understand it so easily. I loved this story!
Reservation - Crunched
The slow decent into all the restaurants blending together worked so well. Particularly the man at the bar, he really illustrated John's sense that this was always the same and he couldn't escape it. The dad was almost too monstrous, it made him feel a little one dimensional. This really felt like entering into someone else's nightmare, where the rules aren't clear and the scenes seem to float around the main character, it was really artistic!
Workaday - Croll
The review at the end was a cool punchline. The character wanting to return to a different life and suddenly discovering that she had gone too far down one path to go back. It also was an interesting commentary on our media (list articles and trying to manipulate feelings before a movie coming out). Lily as a character was a little confusing. Was she in her 60s if the band was done 40 years ago? In which case walking out of her job for one festival doesn't make a lot of sense.
Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna
This was a great world, I would love to see you flush this out into a book or novella. I'm a sucker for distopian, and you really created a unique feel, particularly with Frank. I wanted to know more about the machine, about the drones, and about why they were sending people out to space. Why would Cece have even trained as a pilot if she was an EL? I loved the world, and I loved the end... it felt like the machine had made a mistake classifying her and was finally fixing it. Great elements, great point, this would only be made better by turning it into a bigger story!
Nezumi - For Lily
This story was simple and beautiful. I loved the idea that the imperfect homemade plush would have more power because it has more love contained. I would have loved to know who made Hasi and how she was related to the girl. The animals teasing him over not having a tag, and then that turning out to be his super power was a great detail.
FlowersisBritish - What is and isn't there
This was so creepy (in a great way). The voices getting clearer and saying more as the story progressed made you feel that slow unravelling, and I was genuinely worried for what she would do to Jamie. I would have liked to see how this was affecting Jamie in the moment. Apart from not wanting her to get in trouble was he in pain or scared or confused? It felt like she was acting out of character and I would have liked to see how this affected the others. It clearly wasn't a perfectly happy moment she was leaving them in, and I was wondering could they tell there was something wrong. What really made this story awesome was that nervous feeling that we didn't know what she would do and it could be anything from hurting/killing others to killing herself.
2. Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna
3. Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again
HM - Cyan - The Ship People
Really good bunch of stories all around! Voting was hard!
Feedback
Cyan - The Ship People
I loved how the parts of this story came together, the initial portion about junk ships was gripping and created an awesome setting for the following scenes as we really understood why the dad had no other options. Great illustration of the dedication of family. I was intrigued to know how he got the object, what it was, etc. The girl's voice was very clear in the story, got a sense that she was telling this story to grandchildren or something.
Aaron - An Ungodly Solution
This was a fun read. It covered a lot of ground and time so we knew the consequences of the initial sacrifice, but I would have loved to get to know the gods a little better. Like what would the conversation have been during that first dinner? It was a cool story, would have liked more details to flush it out a bit.
Sethista - Choices
I liked the change from the game to reality, and I felt you built up the character's anger and frustration with his real life well. It illustrated well how a game can provide a true escape. I'm not sure about using bullet points for the dialogue, it was an interesting choice but made it somehow harder to follow.
Tangent - Still Got Pancakes
Great illustrations, it added so much to the tone of the story. It became really clear why football meant so much to the character as his place to finally fit in. I didn't really understand the rules of the church, and it was confusing why the character lied and covered his tracks in the first place if he was then willing to keep doing football once found out. I loved the end. Pancakes somehow representing his family valuing him and him realizing he can get pancakes elsewhere!
Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again.
I loved the blending between Beni doing his makeup and the flashbacks of how he got here. You got a real sense of how he had found himself and the makeup wasn't trying to hide himself, but express himself. I think the changes could have been distinguished a little more clearly. Maybe using italics or some kind of signal to tell the difference between past and present. Even with the paragraphs seperating it still was a tiny bit confusing. Since he adopted a new drag mom, I really wanted to know how he felt about his own mom and his dad's reaction. The story was clear, just wondering how he felt about his parents.
Gaz_RB - Junkies
This was really cool and creepy. The gun and it all going wrong felt inevitable, but still well done. Particularly the woman's laugh as she shot at them, the tables turned. I wasn't sure about the very last bit, after losing one of their family it just felt unlikely that the prank would still appeal to them. The incident was so jarring and extreme it felt like they should have been deeply affected, or that the end could have shown how they were changed by it.
Namenlos - Mike M
You did a great job creating imagery while moving the story forward fast. I loved the detail of how the witches looked, and climbing up walls/ceilings somehow brought the whole scene to life. The tension between the witches and the hunter felt very real. It wasn't totally clear why the witches found the grimoire hard to decipher and the hunter could understand it so easily. I loved this story!
Reservation - Crunched
The slow decent into all the restaurants blending together worked so well. Particularly the man at the bar, he really illustrated John's sense that this was always the same and he couldn't escape it. The dad was almost too monstrous, it made him feel a little one dimensional. This really felt like entering into someone else's nightmare, where the rules aren't clear and the scenes seem to float around the main character, it was really artistic!
Workaday - Croll
The review at the end was a cool punchline. The character wanting to return to a different life and suddenly discovering that she had gone too far down one path to go back. It also was an interesting commentary on our media (list articles and trying to manipulate feelings before a movie coming out). Lily as a character was a little confusing. Was she in her 60s if the band was done 40 years ago? In which case walking out of her job for one festival doesn't make a lot of sense.
Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna
This was a great world, I would love to see you flush this out into a book or novella. I'm a sucker for distopian, and you really created a unique feel, particularly with Frank. I wanted to know more about the machine, about the drones, and about why they were sending people out to space. Why would Cece have even trained as a pilot if she was an EL? I loved the world, and I loved the end... it felt like the machine had made a mistake classifying her and was finally fixing it. Great elements, great point, this would only be made better by turning it into a bigger story!
Nezumi - For Lily
This story was simple and beautiful. I loved the idea that the imperfect homemade plush would have more power because it has more love contained. I would have loved to know who made Hasi and how she was related to the girl. The animals teasing him over not having a tag, and then that turning out to be his super power was a great detail.
FlowersisBritish - What is and isn't there
This was so creepy (in a great way). The voices getting clearer and saying more as the story progressed made you feel that slow unravelling, and I was genuinely worried for what she would do to Jamie. I would have liked to see how this was affecting Jamie in the moment. Apart from not wanting her to get in trouble was he in pain or scared or confused? It felt like she was acting out of character and I would have liked to see how this affected the others. It clearly wasn't a perfectly happy moment she was leaving them in, and I was wondering could they tell there was something wrong. What really made this story awesome was that nervous feeling that we didn't know what she would do and it could be anything from hurting/killing others to killing herself.
Einhorn is a character from a story last year that was the basis for a full blown book for NaNo that I'm currently revising. He's of French descent and operating in Bavaria (Hence him going by "Einhorn" while dropping words like "sobriquet"), and is just way more scholarly and learned than the witches in this story is all.
That bugs the shit out of me as well. I'm usually good at catching stuff like that, too : /
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Mike M Namenlos
2.) Cyan The Ship People
3.) Gaz_RB Junkies
Aaron: I wish more of the gods in everyday life could have been shown. I also wasnt really sure why Zeus wanted Athena to work at the university.
Zakalwe: It took me a bit to get into this one. The length restrictions likely forced you to eliminate or stay your hand on some exposition and expansion of the world and how everything works. I really liked the general idea behind the story and the message there. It reminded me slightly of The Giver in certain aspects. Personally, it felt weakest during the sections when the guards and officers were interacting with the main people, and I was sort of confused when Frank was depositing the code.
Neeener: Im rarely satisfied with my dialogue so Im all the more impressed by your entry being primarily dialogue. I liked the sort of battle going on between the two characters in the room. The way Rob got Alex to agree to lie about her happy life to move her career forward was fun to witness.
Crunched: The flowing and blurring of excursions into each other worked really nicely to convey the way all the bad memories united into one nasty and indistinguishable whole. The characterization of the dad and brother were great. I liked the inclusion of the brother beginning to follow in his fathers terrible footsteps. I do wish the narrator had a bit more of a part to play in the story, but him saying nothing had a meaning all of its own too.
Sethista: Im a sucker for an its all a dream/game/not real twist, so I did like that part of your story. The real-world sections felt a bit off to me, though. Joel felt quick to anger but without much background information on him or his relationships with his friends and mother his angry reactions felt a bit sudden.
Mike M: This one felt very fleshed-out and although it was only a single scene, I felt like I understood everything presented and had a complete visualization of the environment and characters. The entire imagery and movements of Einhorn (God, I love the word sobriquet) were so well described. The only flaws I was able to pinpoint are nitpicky and grammar centric at one point you used the phrase burning garment in two consecutive sentences, but that sort of thing always gets to me.
Gaz_RB: I thoroughly enjoyed this. Reminiscent of Ils, The Strangers, and Youre Next (Was that a reference in there?), all of which I loved. I liked seeing the other side of the story, since those films are were from the viewpoint of the victims in the houses. The ending and everything about Bradleys death seemed sort of rushed, but I cant fault you for that since you were rammed right up against the word limit.
Tangent: I read this keeping in mind your comment on it being a true story and that definitely made it more interesting. The story flowed nicely and I enjoyed the running theme of pancakes and what they meant to him, haha.
FlowersisBritish: This one was interesting. Annas dissociation and breakdown was communicated very well. It was agonizing and disorienting and disturbing, especially her manipulating Jamie. The only thing I found a bit off was how she sent Jamie off on his way. Maybe time or our perception was distorted due to Anna being our lens into the story, but having him just exit on a wounded foot after writhing in agony and biting blankets felt a bit implausible.
Cyan: I liked the progression of the story the fathers determination for his daughter and her resolve to make the best of his sacrifice came across really well. I definitely left off wanting to read more of the story. Why the migration was happening, what happened to the girl afterwards, details on the object that swayed the characters. Obviously that sort of detail likely couldnt have been included in a short story format, so I dont say that as a criticism.
Croll: Having Samantha actually manage to reunite an old band, get them all to learn a new song, then perform it for former fans was great. Having the result crash and burn because of them losing touch with the punk scene over the years was fabulous. I loved the twist/reveal, and the story was well-formed.
Nezumi: The idea of stuffed animals coming to life and defending children against nightmares is really sweet!  Häsis triumph over the other doubting animals was well deserved.
2.) Cyan The Ship People
3.) Gaz_RB Junkies
Aaron: I wish more of the gods in everyday life could have been shown. I also wasnt really sure why Zeus wanted Athena to work at the university.
Zakalwe: It took me a bit to get into this one. The length restrictions likely forced you to eliminate or stay your hand on some exposition and expansion of the world and how everything works. I really liked the general idea behind the story and the message there. It reminded me slightly of The Giver in certain aspects. Personally, it felt weakest during the sections when the guards and officers were interacting with the main people, and I was sort of confused when Frank was depositing the code.
Neeener: Im rarely satisfied with my dialogue so Im all the more impressed by your entry being primarily dialogue. I liked the sort of battle going on between the two characters in the room. The way Rob got Alex to agree to lie about her happy life to move her career forward was fun to witness.
Crunched: The flowing and blurring of excursions into each other worked really nicely to convey the way all the bad memories united into one nasty and indistinguishable whole. The characterization of the dad and brother were great. I liked the inclusion of the brother beginning to follow in his fathers terrible footsteps. I do wish the narrator had a bit more of a part to play in the story, but him saying nothing had a meaning all of its own too.
Sethista: Im a sucker for an its all a dream/game/not real twist, so I did like that part of your story. The real-world sections felt a bit off to me, though. Joel felt quick to anger but without much background information on him or his relationships with his friends and mother his angry reactions felt a bit sudden.
Mike M: This one felt very fleshed-out and although it was only a single scene, I felt like I understood everything presented and had a complete visualization of the environment and characters. The entire imagery and movements of Einhorn (God, I love the word sobriquet) were so well described. The only flaws I was able to pinpoint are nitpicky and grammar centric at one point you used the phrase burning garment in two consecutive sentences, but that sort of thing always gets to me.
Gaz_RB: I thoroughly enjoyed this. Reminiscent of Ils, The Strangers, and Youre Next (Was that a reference in there?
), all of which I loved. I liked seeing the other side of the story, since those films are were from the viewpoint of the victims in the houses. The ending and everything about Bradleys death seemed sort of rushed, but I cant fault you for that since you were rammed right up against the word limit.Tangent: I read this keeping in mind your comment on it being a true story and that definitely made it more interesting. The story flowed nicely and I enjoyed the running theme of pancakes and what they meant to him, haha.
FlowersisBritish: This one was interesting. Annas dissociation and breakdown was communicated very well. It was agonizing and disorienting and disturbing, especially her manipulating Jamie. The only thing I found a bit off was how she sent Jamie off on his way. Maybe time or our perception was distorted due to Anna being our lens into the story, but having him just exit on a wounded foot after writhing in agony and biting blankets felt a bit implausible.
Cyan: I liked the progression of the story the fathers determination for his daughter and her resolve to make the best of his sacrifice came across really well. I definitely left off wanting to read more of the story. Why the migration was happening, what happened to the girl afterwards, details on the object that swayed the characters. Obviously that sort of detail likely couldnt have been included in a short story format, so I dont say that as a criticism.
Croll: Having Samantha actually manage to reunite an old band, get them all to learn a new song, then perform it for former fans was great. Having the result crash and burn because of them losing touch with the punk scene over the years was fabulous. I loved the twist/reveal, and the story was well-formed.
Nezumi: The idea of stuffed animals coming to life and defending children against nightmares is really sweet!  Häsis triumph over the other doubting animals was well deserved.
Aaron: I was a bit of a Greek mythology nut as a kid, so I came really close to liking this one despite the fact that ancient gods among us in modern times fad seems to have already come and gone as a speculative fiction trend and left some pretty deep wheel ruts in the road in their passing (See Gods Behaving Badly, Divine Misfortune, the Percy Jackson series, American Gods, etc.). The ending just seemed to come out of the blue for me, and took me out of the story as a whole for a couple reason. Putting aside debates on the nature and qualities of immortality between the Norse and Greek pantheons (and believe me, thats a debate), if Zeus wasnt more than a match for Odin, why on earth would have put it on Stelioss shoulders?
Zakalwe: The first scene had enough cognitive dissonance to sour me right from the start. Frank gets a jab in on Cece about her desire to change her name, but then we spend the rest of the time elaborating how Frank is otherwise considered defective and chose his own name. Theres no grounding by which I could believe that he would have legitimately criticized Ceces desire to change her name or destiny or whatever. I rolled my eyes at the notion of a kid hacking the system seemingly without effort, I dont understand what authority a Mess Officer (as in someone in charge of the Mess?) would have to challenge anything, and typing in all caps is forever and always annoying and an impediment of readability. You had a good concept here with a society built around the whims of some ancient and ineffable machine, but the execution was off.
Neener: Robs situation with the youre only as good as your last book maxim of writing probably puts to page a lot of unspoken anxieties that those of us here looking to make a go at selling writing. But once he started talking to Alex, the focus shifted from his own hard luck career to hers, and he was absolutely right; she was boring, and I didnt care about her. Robs diatribe about her options and what it takes to get anywhere in her industry were insightful and all, but this wasnt really a story so much as an excerpt of dialogue. The central conflict is presumably that Rob needs to write a hit book, but theres never any resolution. We fade to black after Alex consents, and then two hours later he claims that hes got something to blow Jeffs mind. But what is it? What is the story that he and Alex concocted to try and sell that is going to be so mind blowing and amazing? Does it sell? What if the lies get found out somehow and both their careers come crashing down? To much of this story arc falls outside the margins of the actual pages to be satisfying to me.
Crunched: Given that this was your challenge and you put down doing a memoir as a secondary, Im not sure if some of my critiques are better leveled at the storytelling or individuals with a lack of common sense. I felt that the way the course of the evening was carried out by taking bits and pieces from countless such encounters flowed together well and worked wonderfully. The guy in the bar was a little less successful, as the way he blended together and got jumbled over successive iterations had a decided dreamlogic sense to them, which detracted from the otherwise straight forward series of incidents at restaurants. What ultimately took me out at the end was that the father had a history of faking problems with the meal and demanding to be compensated and/or sticking someone else with the bill. I cannot fathom a scenario where someone who clearly made an effort to be this big of an asshole would not be memorable enough to be able to get away with the same stunts more than the one time at any given restaurant, but the mention of Ponderosa being his favorite place seemed to imply in my mind that while he was varied in the restaurants he hit, he eventually at some point came back around to them. The character of the father is very well realized, however. Instantly a character we love to hate. Sorry if hes really your dad.
Sethista: Nearly half of this is a summary of other stories that happened in a video game and ultimately have absolutely no impact on the rest of the story. It was too long a wait for a bait and switch like that, especially when it doesnt seem to correlate to the dilemma he faces at the end. Comparisons are inevitably drawn between Ganner and Selene vs Andy and Eliza, which leads one to believe that the choice hes made in the game is somewhat influenced by his relationship with his friends. But the choice is meaningless, because theyve both betrayed him and he doesnt consider either of them worth saving. So why should we care that hes made a decision at all, especially when all were ultimately dealing with is essentially a fictional characters choices in Mass Effect? Also, the nontraditional presentation of the dialogue did you no favors. At first I thought his conversation with Andy was a text message conversation, but then he had the same format with his mom, which left me wondering why he was texting his mom from the same house. Breaking the rules is fine, but you should only do so if its going to be of benefit to the story in some manner and not just make it more difficult to understand.
Dandy Crocodile: Welcome to Mike Ms House of Critiquing Pain : P Seriously though, this was well written with a stellar use of imagery. It feels more like prewriting for something else, honestly, because this seems like more of a character study/background story than something intended to stand alone. Granted that short stories dont exactly map well to a three act structure with try/fail cycles and mounting tension, I still felt that the arc of this one was more of straight line heading upward. From the outset, Beni is at his darkest hour and nadir of the story, and from that point onward everything just continually gets better for him until he achieves his dream of being a drag queen. Beni himself had extraordinary little characterization, most of his pagetime being spent on describing the technical aspects of doing his drag makeup. Duane, Benis father, and Benis grandmother were comparatively small roles, but in their brief appearances you packed them with more features than you invested in Beni throughout the whole thing. Charming, but not particularly compelling with weak to nonexistent conflict to play Beni off.
Mike M: Potentially heading off Nezumi at the pass, I know that technically calling it Ungenannt would be a more accurate title, but I liked Namenlos more : P. Following the tradition of my stories utilizing German titles (or I guess establishing one, since there was only one previous such occasion), this is a story about a witch hunter character of mine. The last story with him planted the seed for last years NaNo book in my mind, and this one is kind of me exercising what I think might be plot elements and characters in a sequel. As usual, could have always used a bigger word count. If anyone wants to actually read Einhorns book, drop me a line. I weirdly dont really have a lot to say as a post mortem on this one, as I more or less got what I set out to accomplish done.
Gaz_RB: Man, I was thinking the whole time, These kids are gonna get shot, and lo and behold But shit, a 12 gauge slug? Were they expecting to get home invaded by a fucking elephant? I thought the idea of rubber masks combined with painting YOURE NEXT was a little too on the nose, since I was already thinking This is like Youre Next or The Strangers or the Purge etc. from the start. There are countless people terrorized by crazy people in masks movies out there, you probably should be angling to play down the similarities to such properties, not highlighting the possible inspiration. I was kind of iffy on the knocker being a simple-to-make disposable device, yet being sophisticated enough that it could use Bluetooth and had some sort of power supply component to power the mechanics. More seriously, the ending was a complete and total misfire. Theres no way that Brads body doesnt get IDd and the police come around to his friends asking questions, the idea that the summer passed and the school year went by uneventfully is preposterous. Its only outdone by the notion that they would be suicidal enough to put the masks on and do it again. Yeah, I get that theyre junkies, but theres a difference between being an adrenaline junkie, and, say, practically every other addictive substance in the universe. Their friend died horribly right in front of them, and instead of getting horrible PTSD or some other psychological trauma, two of them become and a couple and they all decide to go back? No, I just cant buy that.
Tangent: He folded the paper in half at least 10 times? Reeeeeally? Sure he didnt max out at six or seven like he would in the real world? : ) Growing up in Fresno, I think the untold story here is the immense suffering that poor Kevin is going to experience being moved out there. Man, what a complete and utter desolate shithole hes going to live in. Poor guy. Coles story was good too. A bit on the simple side, but I wouldnt expect a kid to be super sophisticated in his wordsmithing, so it fits. A well-done exploration of the challenges of growing up in a JW household. My only real beef is that the ending was telegraphed the moment that the Minister asked Cole if he was going to quit on Monday. Given how we established from the first paragraph that Cole wasnt particularly faithful, I initially--albeit briefly--interpreted that as being a question from a surprisingly understanding religious official asking if Cole was going to quit the church on Monday. From that point on, it was a foregone conclusion, especially with the title. But we had a good feel for Coles character, the Minister was something of a melodrama villain (not a bad thing), there was a conflict, there was escalation, and there was a satisfying resolution. Nice job. Unfortunately, Im docking one million points for writing a story about sportsball.
FlowersisBritish: There were some similes in here that leapt out to me as being particularly well done (the bit about dropping an ice cube on a flame, the comparison of the grime to not brushing your teeth). I liked Annas escalation of panic over relatively minor things, and you really did a swell job of putting us in the headspace of someone whos thought processes dont mirror our own and is aware that this is the case. All questions of, why doesnt she just get some help are adequately explained thusly. I raised an eyebrow at the juxtaposition of what I found to be a fairly nice house in a nice area (I mean, even though Annas guest unit is described as a shack, it apparently still has its own bathroom) with a chain smoking mother who has layered the whole house in tar residue, which is usually the sort of thing you see associated with characters of low income. I mean, theres no reason it couldnt both be true, but it did seem unusual.
Cyan: Thats one hell of a run-on sentence youve got going on at the start there : P Thankfully it leveled off after that, you had me worried for a second. I liked the broad strokes of this one a lot, but some of the details jumped out to me as being odd. For instance, the daughters greatest aspiration seems to be to become a host at a restaurant? The planet is approaching some sort of unspecified cataclysm from which there can be no escape, and the restaurant is still operating as though nothing is wrong? The owner has booked his ships full of people willing to pay for evacuation, but somehow doesnt have the crew to fly them? Dont ship navigators want to get off the planet too? I realize that the object is a mcguffin whose identity is of no real importance to the plot, but it would have been nice to at least dressed it up with a name or description of some sort. The description of the construction of the ship toward the end was a powerful one, though, and packed a Life is Beautiful-esque punch to the sentimentality for me. Well done.
Croll: Im trying to get the timelines and ages straight in my head here. They were a proto-punk band in the 70s that apparently had already had its star fade by the time that Samantha graduated college. So, what, were they a high school band that made it big? Did she just got to college later than most kids? Kaiser Kilhelm was 40 years ago, but in recent years she had traded the pick for the pen right out of college? So shes got to be pushing 60, her only job history seems to be writing album reviews for a paper with negligible distribution that was bought by a new media site that kept someone as old as her on board to write Buzzfeed articles? I liked the frustration she had with what she was being asked to write, and I liked the moral of the story being that sometimes you really cant go back and that her life doesnt get to have a clean and satisfying resolution. Its just the order of events in her past and the time between them that need some ironing out for me.
Nezumi: Daw. Nice interpretation of the theme and the secondary (assuming you made Hasi for a niece or something). The swearing was a bit out of the blue and discordant with the rest of the storys relatively sweet tone, but somehow I suspect that was Hasi speaking with the voice of the author over the frustrations of his creation : ) I could never do this on mobile, it would break me. So kudos for that!
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Crunched
3. Tangent
Zakalwe: The first scene had enough cognitive dissonance to sour me right from the start. Frank gets a jab in on Cece about her desire to change her name, but then we spend the rest of the time elaborating how Frank is otherwise considered defective and chose his own name. Theres no grounding by which I could believe that he would have legitimately criticized Ceces desire to change her name or destiny or whatever. I rolled my eyes at the notion of a kid hacking the system seemingly without effort, I dont understand what authority a Mess Officer (as in someone in charge of the Mess?) would have to challenge anything, and typing in all caps is forever and always annoying and an impediment of readability. You had a good concept here with a society built around the whims of some ancient and ineffable machine, but the execution was off.
Neener: Robs situation with the youre only as good as your last book maxim of writing probably puts to page a lot of unspoken anxieties that those of us here looking to make a go at selling writing. But once he started talking to Alex, the focus shifted from his own hard luck career to hers, and he was absolutely right; she was boring, and I didnt care about her. Robs diatribe about her options and what it takes to get anywhere in her industry were insightful and all, but this wasnt really a story so much as an excerpt of dialogue. The central conflict is presumably that Rob needs to write a hit book, but theres never any resolution. We fade to black after Alex consents, and then two hours later he claims that hes got something to blow Jeffs mind. But what is it? What is the story that he and Alex concocted to try and sell that is going to be so mind blowing and amazing? Does it sell? What if the lies get found out somehow and both their careers come crashing down? To much of this story arc falls outside the margins of the actual pages to be satisfying to me.
Crunched: Given that this was your challenge and you put down doing a memoir as a secondary, Im not sure if some of my critiques are better leveled at the storytelling or individuals with a lack of common sense. I felt that the way the course of the evening was carried out by taking bits and pieces from countless such encounters flowed together well and worked wonderfully. The guy in the bar was a little less successful, as the way he blended together and got jumbled over successive iterations had a decided dreamlogic sense to them, which detracted from the otherwise straight forward series of incidents at restaurants. What ultimately took me out at the end was that the father had a history of faking problems with the meal and demanding to be compensated and/or sticking someone else with the bill. I cannot fathom a scenario where someone who clearly made an effort to be this big of an asshole would not be memorable enough to be able to get away with the same stunts more than the one time at any given restaurant, but the mention of Ponderosa being his favorite place seemed to imply in my mind that while he was varied in the restaurants he hit, he eventually at some point came back around to them. The character of the father is very well realized, however. Instantly a character we love to hate. Sorry if hes really your dad.
Sethista: Nearly half of this is a summary of other stories that happened in a video game and ultimately have absolutely no impact on the rest of the story. It was too long a wait for a bait and switch like that, especially when it doesnt seem to correlate to the dilemma he faces at the end. Comparisons are inevitably drawn between Ganner and Selene vs Andy and Eliza, which leads one to believe that the choice hes made in the game is somewhat influenced by his relationship with his friends. But the choice is meaningless, because theyve both betrayed him and he doesnt consider either of them worth saving. So why should we care that hes made a decision at all, especially when all were ultimately dealing with is essentially a fictional characters choices in Mass Effect? Also, the nontraditional presentation of the dialogue did you no favors. At first I thought his conversation with Andy was a text message conversation, but then he had the same format with his mom, which left me wondering why he was texting his mom from the same house. Breaking the rules is fine, but you should only do so if its going to be of benefit to the story in some manner and not just make it more difficult to understand.
Dandy Crocodile: Welcome to Mike Ms House of Critiquing Pain : P Seriously though, this was well written with a stellar use of imagery. It feels more like prewriting for something else, honestly, because this seems like more of a character study/background story than something intended to stand alone. Granted that short stories dont exactly map well to a three act structure with try/fail cycles and mounting tension, I still felt that the arc of this one was more of straight line heading upward. From the outset, Beni is at his darkest hour and nadir of the story, and from that point onward everything just continually gets better for him until he achieves his dream of being a drag queen. Beni himself had extraordinary little characterization, most of his pagetime being spent on describing the technical aspects of doing his drag makeup. Duane, Benis father, and Benis grandmother were comparatively small roles, but in their brief appearances you packed them with more features than you invested in Beni throughout the whole thing. Charming, but not particularly compelling with weak to nonexistent conflict to play Beni off.
Mike M: Potentially heading off Nezumi at the pass, I know that technically calling it Ungenannt would be a more accurate title, but I liked Namenlos more : P. Following the tradition of my stories utilizing German titles (or I guess establishing one, since there was only one previous such occasion), this is a story about a witch hunter character of mine. The last story with him planted the seed for last years NaNo book in my mind, and this one is kind of me exercising what I think might be plot elements and characters in a sequel. As usual, could have always used a bigger word count. If anyone wants to actually read Einhorns book, drop me a line. I weirdly dont really have a lot to say as a post mortem on this one, as I more or less got what I set out to accomplish done.
Gaz_RB: Man, I was thinking the whole time, These kids are gonna get shot, and lo and behold But shit, a 12 gauge slug? Were they expecting to get home invaded by a fucking elephant? I thought the idea of rubber masks combined with painting YOURE NEXT was a little too on the nose, since I was already thinking This is like Youre Next or The Strangers or the Purge etc. from the start. There are countless people terrorized by crazy people in masks movies out there, you probably should be angling to play down the similarities to such properties, not highlighting the possible inspiration. I was kind of iffy on the knocker being a simple-to-make disposable device, yet being sophisticated enough that it could use Bluetooth and had some sort of power supply component to power the mechanics. More seriously, the ending was a complete and total misfire. Theres no way that Brads body doesnt get IDd and the police come around to his friends asking questions, the idea that the summer passed and the school year went by uneventfully is preposterous. Its only outdone by the notion that they would be suicidal enough to put the masks on and do it again. Yeah, I get that theyre junkies, but theres a difference between being an adrenaline junkie, and, say, practically every other addictive substance in the universe. Their friend died horribly right in front of them, and instead of getting horrible PTSD or some other psychological trauma, two of them become and a couple and they all decide to go back? No, I just cant buy that.
Tangent: He folded the paper in half at least 10 times? Reeeeeally? Sure he didnt max out at six or seven like he would in the real world? : ) Growing up in Fresno, I think the untold story here is the immense suffering that poor Kevin is going to experience being moved out there. Man, what a complete and utter desolate shithole hes going to live in. Poor guy. Coles story was good too. A bit on the simple side, but I wouldnt expect a kid to be super sophisticated in his wordsmithing, so it fits. A well-done exploration of the challenges of growing up in a JW household. My only real beef is that the ending was telegraphed the moment that the Minister asked Cole if he was going to quit on Monday. Given how we established from the first paragraph that Cole wasnt particularly faithful, I initially--albeit briefly--interpreted that as being a question from a surprisingly understanding religious official asking if Cole was going to quit the church on Monday. From that point on, it was a foregone conclusion, especially with the title. But we had a good feel for Coles character, the Minister was something of a melodrama villain (not a bad thing), there was a conflict, there was escalation, and there was a satisfying resolution. Nice job. Unfortunately, Im docking one million points for writing a story about sportsball.
FlowersisBritish: There were some similes in here that leapt out to me as being particularly well done (the bit about dropping an ice cube on a flame, the comparison of the grime to not brushing your teeth). I liked Annas escalation of panic over relatively minor things, and you really did a swell job of putting us in the headspace of someone whos thought processes dont mirror our own and is aware that this is the case. All questions of, why doesnt she just get some help are adequately explained thusly. I raised an eyebrow at the juxtaposition of what I found to be a fairly nice house in a nice area (I mean, even though Annas guest unit is described as a shack, it apparently still has its own bathroom) with a chain smoking mother who has layered the whole house in tar residue, which is usually the sort of thing you see associated with characters of low income. I mean, theres no reason it couldnt both be true, but it did seem unusual.
Cyan: Thats one hell of a run-on sentence youve got going on at the start there : P Thankfully it leveled off after that, you had me worried for a second. I liked the broad strokes of this one a lot, but some of the details jumped out to me as being odd. For instance, the daughters greatest aspiration seems to be to become a host at a restaurant? The planet is approaching some sort of unspecified cataclysm from which there can be no escape, and the restaurant is still operating as though nothing is wrong? The owner has booked his ships full of people willing to pay for evacuation, but somehow doesnt have the crew to fly them? Dont ship navigators want to get off the planet too? I realize that the object is a mcguffin whose identity is of no real importance to the plot, but it would have been nice to at least dressed it up with a name or description of some sort. The description of the construction of the ship toward the end was a powerful one, though, and packed a Life is Beautiful-esque punch to the sentimentality for me. Well done.
Croll: Im trying to get the timelines and ages straight in my head here. They were a proto-punk band in the 70s that apparently had already had its star fade by the time that Samantha graduated college. So, what, were they a high school band that made it big? Did she just got to college later than most kids? Kaiser Kilhelm was 40 years ago, but in recent years she had traded the pick for the pen right out of college? So shes got to be pushing 60, her only job history seems to be writing album reviews for a paper with negligible distribution that was bought by a new media site that kept someone as old as her on board to write Buzzfeed articles? I liked the frustration she had with what she was being asked to write, and I liked the moral of the story being that sometimes you really cant go back and that her life doesnt get to have a clean and satisfying resolution. Its just the order of events in her past and the time between them that need some ironing out for me.
Nezumi: Daw. Nice interpretation of the theme and the secondary (assuming you made Hasi for a niece or something). The swearing was a bit out of the blue and discordant with the rest of the storys relatively sweet tone, but somehow I suspect that was Hasi speaking with the voice of the author over the frustrations of his creation : ) I could never do this on mobile, it would break me. So kudos for that!
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Crunched
3. Tangent
Dandy Crocodile
Member
Thank you so much for the response!!
You're absolutely spot-on in guessing that it's just part of a whole. Making my short stories work better as standalone pieces is something I will need to focus on until I actually sit and write them united.
There was no conflict, as this was intended as more of a character study as you said, with a touch of memoir thrown in to provide some background to the character's motivations.
I've for sure got to let my next attempt cook a bit longer and proof it more thoroughly. Overlooking the further definition of Beni as a character is a glaring oversight.
That's Cece's view of Frank. Frank doesn't understand it because he's nuts. The machine let the hacker in. In hindsight I probably didn't make either clear enough. Will consider this for the next one.
Good feedback, thank you.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Thanks for the feedback everyone, working on my own right now. Will take awhile with one hand. I wasn't really planning on working on this more, but the positive responses makes me want to bring it to the appropriate length it needs to be.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Aaron:This is really interesting, but for me the weakest part was the beginning as I had no idea when this was happening. I eventually figured out it was modern day with all descriptions like windbreaker and soccer. What made it confusing for me was how lackadaisy were about the whole god thing, especially since the wife was freaking out about sacrificing a goat. Thats my only complaint, after that you have a lot of great modern descriptions of the gods and their familial problems.
Zakalwe: So it took me a little while to get into this. You kind of throw the reader right in there. Little easing in to the world mechanics would help. But once the reader is in, this tale is really sweet. The quest for proper recognition and the moment it is achieved is good and ends the story on a nice heartfelt tone. This would be great as a longer story with more world building.
Neener: You establish their characters, their positions, their problems quickly and clearly. The ultimatum of family or fame is really interesting paired up with the relationship of Alex and her mom. I wish I could see more of that relationship, because the impact of Alexs decision depends on how much of a betrayal it is, and we dont get enough an idea of the mother to really know Alexs real home life.
Crunched: Amazing descriptions right off the bat! The way you change the details to show both the passage of time and how its all the same is is great! The subtle shifts in the brothers character through the story is great. John little quips, personal stories, and desire to be like the guy at the bar alone. The silence of Johns parallel as he takes all the shit at the end out of pride. Thematically it was always on point and this was just really good. If I had to force out a criticism, we could use more of Johns personality. We get some idea, but I would have liked to know him a little better.
Sethista: I like the twist halfway through. Switching from his fantasy life to his real life provides a lot of insight into his character. You also quickly establish his shitty homelife and the conflict with his friend, so well done on that. The idea of choosing a virtual family is neat, and reminds me of the escapist reason I fell so deeply in love with gaming in the first place.
Dandy Crocodile: Welcome to the challenges, hope you come again. I really like the way you use the make up as metaphor for Benis own life changes. It works well in establishing how important it is too him, and gives your ending more impact. By the way, great ending line. I am a little conflicted, I like how time skips, but I dont know if it works. The events dont really connect well because we never see any of these secondary characters again.
Mike: This was very tight, you set up your world, characters, and plot so quickly and efficiently I felt I was reading something much longer. Your descriptions are spot on here, opening really strongly, same with dialogue. I really like the idea of a nameless one, and thus being more or less immune to magic, but I am left wondering what are the downsides? What exactly did he gain and leave behind?
Gaz_RB: Welcome to the challenges! So I really like the entire idea of ths, of teens recreating some horror movie stuff in peoples homes. That said, for BnE people, they sure do talk a lot inside these homes. Still this is fun and I love how things go dire at the end. I dont like the ending though, feels very sudden. I would love to see what happens afterwards, just not in a short blurb.
Tangent: this was very sweet, and i like the visual aids I also like the MCs conflict with religion. The fact you showed the religious side early on makes the end choice of football more meaningful.
Cyan: I love the twist that the father was bullshitting his way onto a ship. Its a really good twist. You set up your world great, the situation is clear. The little bit about people cobbling together their ships, and the title, gives me chills because they were that good. The actual switch onto the ship was jarring though, just kinda happens and pulled me out a lot.
Croll: How the hell did she not know who The Strokes were? I know nothing about music and I know who the strokes are. That aside, I like how you show the progression of life and how events can lead into a job you hate. Also the idea of an unfavorable return is really fun. Makes for a good punchline.
Nezumi: This was cute. It remind me of a really awesome picture I once saw of a bear fighting a monster in the closet. Also I am now weirdly interested in stuff animal politics. The label thing was really interesting and Id like to see more stuff like that.
my votes
1 Crunched
2 Cyan
3 Gaz-RB
Zakalwe: So it took me a little while to get into this. You kind of throw the reader right in there. Little easing in to the world mechanics would help. But once the reader is in, this tale is really sweet. The quest for proper recognition and the moment it is achieved is good and ends the story on a nice heartfelt tone. This would be great as a longer story with more world building.
Neener: You establish their characters, their positions, their problems quickly and clearly. The ultimatum of family or fame is really interesting paired up with the relationship of Alex and her mom. I wish I could see more of that relationship, because the impact of Alexs decision depends on how much of a betrayal it is, and we dont get enough an idea of the mother to really know Alexs real home life.
Crunched: Amazing descriptions right off the bat! The way you change the details to show both the passage of time and how its all the same is is great! The subtle shifts in the brothers character through the story is great. John little quips, personal stories, and desire to be like the guy at the bar alone. The silence of Johns parallel as he takes all the shit at the end out of pride. Thematically it was always on point and this was just really good. If I had to force out a criticism, we could use more of Johns personality. We get some idea, but I would have liked to know him a little better.
Sethista: I like the twist halfway through. Switching from his fantasy life to his real life provides a lot of insight into his character. You also quickly establish his shitty homelife and the conflict with his friend, so well done on that. The idea of choosing a virtual family is neat, and reminds me of the escapist reason I fell so deeply in love with gaming in the first place.
Dandy Crocodile: Welcome to the challenges, hope you come again. I really like the way you use the make up as metaphor for Benis own life changes. It works well in establishing how important it is too him, and gives your ending more impact. By the way, great ending line. I am a little conflicted, I like how time skips, but I dont know if it works. The events dont really connect well because we never see any of these secondary characters again.
Mike: This was very tight, you set up your world, characters, and plot so quickly and efficiently I felt I was reading something much longer. Your descriptions are spot on here, opening really strongly, same with dialogue. I really like the idea of a nameless one, and thus being more or less immune to magic, but I am left wondering what are the downsides? What exactly did he gain and leave behind?
Gaz_RB: Welcome to the challenges! So I really like the entire idea of ths, of teens recreating some horror movie stuff in peoples homes. That said, for BnE people, they sure do talk a lot inside these homes. Still this is fun and I love how things go dire at the end. I dont like the ending though, feels very sudden. I would love to see what happens afterwards, just not in a short blurb.
Tangent: this was very sweet, and i like the visual aids
I also like the MCs conflict with religion. The fact you showed the religious side early on makes the end choice of football more meaningful.Cyan: I love the twist that the father was bullshitting his way onto a ship. Its a really good twist. You set up your world great, the situation is clear. The little bit about people cobbling together their ships, and the title, gives me chills because they were that good. The actual switch onto the ship was jarring though, just kinda happens and pulled me out a lot.
Croll: How the hell did she not know who The Strokes were? I know nothing about music and I know who the strokes are. That aside, I like how you show the progression of life and how events can lead into a job you hate. Also the idea of an unfavorable return is really fun. Makes for a good punchline.
Nezumi: This was cute. It remind me of a really awesome picture I once saw of a bear fighting a monster in the closet. Also I am now weirdly interested in stuff animal politics. The label thing was really interesting and Id like to see more stuff like that.
my votes
1 Crunched
2 Cyan
3 Gaz-RB
You'd have to read his book to find out : P
He's not very capable of emotions anymore, animals are prone to attacking him, people have an innate dislike of him, and if he dies, his consciousness is forever trapped in the vessel in which he stashed his True Name.
Feedback:
Aaron - Great concept. Fourth paragraph is a bit too expository. I don't know if all the express detail on Stelios is necessary, as it comes through by the desperation of the sacrifice (poor goat!), the dinner conversation, and in the fun exchange with the dean later on.
I wasn't sure where we were going at first, but it was worth the ride. I do wonder what exactly is going on at the end. What is the favor Zeus asks? The last two paragraphs are vague.
Zakalwe - "Fearlessly Ridiculous Awesome Nonsense Kaleidoscope"—I am onboard! I like the names and the emphasis on colors. I am not sure exactly what is happening and could use more concrete details on what significance the light has. "Aura," "designates," and "stream" are all over the place but it is not established what exactly they mean. There is a bit too much telling ("Anna had stumbled upon access..." deserves its own scene). Could do without the caps in dialogue, as your tags give enough info (saying "bellowed" is enough, there is no need to make the letters angry). It's good to drop us in media res, but this story could use a little more easing and a little more world up front. We get some detail on who our characters are, but not until near the end of page 3. I'm not asking to drop that kind of exposition at the start, but thread it earlier. It seems crucial to understanding what's going on. Nonetheless, you've created something that's definitely unique and can be expanded on and further refined.
Neeener - I did not want the conversation between Rob and Alex to end. The situation is workaday but the dialogue is compelling enough to make me want to keep reading. I would like more Alex, because she comes off just as boring as you say she is. Rob is doing the heavy lifting, and while his speculation is exciting it is all talk. Just a little more characterization, a few more behaviors for Alex beyond clenched fists and calm control will go a long way.
I'm not big on the ending. Alex has come up with something exciting, something mindblowing, but we don't get to see what it is. That's a let down, especially after the great build up. I was totally with you until that 4 pm.
Sethista - Immediately rich with potential excitement, but weighed down by excessive telling. Show us more, show us as much as you can, even if it's all a virtual world. Else cut back on how much information you're providing up front, so we get to the show quicker. Cutting some of the game world out might benefit what comes after, which right now seems inconsequential due to the immensity of what's come before. Your character is his own worst enemy, which is a great theme to play with, but needs a little more cooking to rise into what it could be. There is some mirroring going on with the sci-fi impossible decision and Joel's real-life decision, but the first one is far more interesting, difficult, and dramatic. The decision he makes later, which seems as if it should be the climax, is almost nothing, almost something he does out of apathy and boredom. He has no internal struggle, he simply remembers the game and decides it is more important by default. That doesn't make for strong conflict. I don't know if his decision is the real story here, despite the title. What seems more pressing is lack of interest in real life, his lack of motivation, as if the game is an addiction. The game is presented to us as more compelling, which effectively draws us into his perspective, but Joel himself doesn't seem to recognize his sickness, and isn't given an opportunity to overcome it.
Dandy Crocodile - Love the title. Great character. Maybe a little too much time spent watching him put on makeup and so on. I understand that drag is important to him, but exploring the character is more important to me than seeing what he puts on his face. I want to see more of his family and friends, their reactions to him, behavior around him, and opinions of what he's doing. Props for creating a story around a marginal subject. Always good to see something outside the norm. I enjoyed the conflict with the father, but it panned out predictably and seemed to occur so early it left the second half hanging a little weak. "Vituperative" a strange word choice, makes itself obvious. Despite my criticisms I enjoyed the story and found it easy to read. Look forward to more from you.
Mike M - Well written, as always. "My, but that does smell delicious"—some great behavior from your characters. Every action and line of dialogue is active and brings them to life. Specialized knowledge required for the story to work, and you convey it well enough that there is not so much as a speed bump on the way. "Gout of white flame" an especially good description. Don't see it often, but it's crystal. You see it right away. Einhorn has a Mephistophelean grace that becomes him. His charisma and charm are great assets. I feel like I've seen these characters before, but due to the skillful delivery I did not mind.
Gaz_RB - You shouldn't hesitate on your next entry. This was great. Your writing is crisp and easy. Watch the use of hyphens as em dashes, maybe the use of that dash break in general. Not that it is bad, but there could be more variation in your pacing and rhythm. Is it wrong for me to feel glad about Brad's death? The ending is abrupt. Everything after the transition to summer feels insubstantial following the high-tension moments just before. The remaining Terrorists don't seem particularly sorry or disturbed by what's happened to their friend, and while they tend toward sociopathy (I'm extrapolating here), they don't seem like total psychos. I would expect some level of shock or remorse, but they don't appear to be affected by the violence.
Tangent - Loved it, this is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for in setting memoir as the secondary. Great, real, heartfelt reflection on life. I thought the pictures were fitting, but for the LEGO dude and bear mascot. Those come through without showing them. The stick figures work great (and are consistently funny). Formatting could be honed a bit, but that's nitpicking. A little more time might be given to explore the internal conflict as narrator grows into his new self. Find it hard to suggest anything besides that. Thanks for sharing.
FlowersisBritish - First let me especially thank you for providing such extensive feedback. Sounds like you've had a hard time writing with only one arm, so it's very much appreciated.
You've checked that Chekhovian box, but I wonder if the gun is necessary at all. It does not seem as important to the story as the relationship between Anna and Jamie. Anna's internal conflict rings so loudly it deafens nearly everything else but for that one thing, and asking Jamie to lie for her is the most salient moment of all. It's when the story most seems to settle into itself. At first I thought the story ended on "Please, Jamie?" and thought that was great. There is a whole salvo of packed into that request, in Jamie's respect and concern for his aunt. That's rich earth to mine. I think I prefer that moment as an ending to what we actually get. The behaviors of these characters toward each other are more representative of conflict than repeated expressions of despair within Anna's mind. Not that those expressions are superfluous or unnecessary, but having Anna react toward a situation outside herself grounds the action and shows concretely who she is. Try playing with POV, see if you can express this story through a different character. It is affecting and personal. I can see why you felt restrained by the word count.
Cyan - You waste little time with exposition, giving us just enough to let us hit the ground running. Your world is unique, and I enjoyed spending time in it. "Eyebrows went up a fraction"—I understand what this means, but it seems incomplete. A fraction of what? Maybe I am unfamiliar with the phrase.
I'm not sure how the father is allowed on the ship if his credentials are counterfeit, or why they'd be checked after he's onboard. But that's probably fine. It's conceivable that the company is in a rough enough place that his papers would be overlooked for whatever reason. Do they kill him for that? Sounds like his daughter never sees him again, which must imply an extreme punishment.
Solid story. Don't have much else to say.
Croll - I like your character, but I am more interested in her day job than her passion. The discussion with the suited men is more interesting to me than anything else that happens in the story. First paragraph is tough to get through. I get the parallels to music, but it doesn't spark. Leading with paragraph two might be a little easier. I appreciate your ambition. You've done a great job choosing a subject. Story doesn't seem to arrive at a solid conclusion. The ending is abrupt, and feels unfinished. You write well, but the story wants to stretch a little bigger. I'm curious to how it would turn out if you didn't have a cap on length.
Nezumi - Cute story. Easy to read. I'm not going to criticize Häsi as not being flawed or pushed to his limits or anything. Doesn't seem like that kind of piece. I could imagine this being the seed for a longer children's story.
Votes -
1. Tangent
2. Mike M
3. Gaz
Aaron - Great concept. Fourth paragraph is a bit too expository. I don't know if all the express detail on Stelios is necessary, as it comes through by the desperation of the sacrifice (poor goat!), the dinner conversation, and in the fun exchange with the dean later on.
I wasn't sure where we were going at first, but it was worth the ride. I do wonder what exactly is going on at the end. What is the favor Zeus asks? The last two paragraphs are vague.
Zakalwe - "Fearlessly Ridiculous Awesome Nonsense Kaleidoscope"—I am onboard! I like the names and the emphasis on colors. I am not sure exactly what is happening and could use more concrete details on what significance the light has. "Aura," "designates," and "stream" are all over the place but it is not established what exactly they mean. There is a bit too much telling ("Anna had stumbled upon access..." deserves its own scene). Could do without the caps in dialogue, as your tags give enough info (saying "bellowed" is enough, there is no need to make the letters angry). It's good to drop us in media res, but this story could use a little more easing and a little more world up front. We get some detail on who our characters are, but not until near the end of page 3. I'm not asking to drop that kind of exposition at the start, but thread it earlier. It seems crucial to understanding what's going on. Nonetheless, you've created something that's definitely unique and can be expanded on and further refined.
Neeener - I did not want the conversation between Rob and Alex to end. The situation is workaday but the dialogue is compelling enough to make me want to keep reading. I would like more Alex, because she comes off just as boring as you say she is. Rob is doing the heavy lifting, and while his speculation is exciting it is all talk. Just a little more characterization, a few more behaviors for Alex beyond clenched fists and calm control will go a long way.
I'm not big on the ending. Alex has come up with something exciting, something mindblowing, but we don't get to see what it is. That's a let down, especially after the great build up. I was totally with you until that 4 pm.
Sethista - Immediately rich with potential excitement, but weighed down by excessive telling. Show us more, show us as much as you can, even if it's all a virtual world. Else cut back on how much information you're providing up front, so we get to the show quicker. Cutting some of the game world out might benefit what comes after, which right now seems inconsequential due to the immensity of what's come before. Your character is his own worst enemy, which is a great theme to play with, but needs a little more cooking to rise into what it could be. There is some mirroring going on with the sci-fi impossible decision and Joel's real-life decision, but the first one is far more interesting, difficult, and dramatic. The decision he makes later, which seems as if it should be the climax, is almost nothing, almost something he does out of apathy and boredom. He has no internal struggle, he simply remembers the game and decides it is more important by default. That doesn't make for strong conflict. I don't know if his decision is the real story here, despite the title. What seems more pressing is lack of interest in real life, his lack of motivation, as if the game is an addiction. The game is presented to us as more compelling, which effectively draws us into his perspective, but Joel himself doesn't seem to recognize his sickness, and isn't given an opportunity to overcome it.
Dandy Crocodile - Love the title. Great character. Maybe a little too much time spent watching him put on makeup and so on. I understand that drag is important to him, but exploring the character is more important to me than seeing what he puts on his face. I want to see more of his family and friends, their reactions to him, behavior around him, and opinions of what he's doing. Props for creating a story around a marginal subject. Always good to see something outside the norm. I enjoyed the conflict with the father, but it panned out predictably and seemed to occur so early it left the second half hanging a little weak. "Vituperative" a strange word choice, makes itself obvious. Despite my criticisms I enjoyed the story and found it easy to read. Look forward to more from you.
Mike M - Well written, as always. "My, but that does smell delicious"—some great behavior from your characters. Every action and line of dialogue is active and brings them to life. Specialized knowledge required for the story to work, and you convey it well enough that there is not so much as a speed bump on the way. "Gout of white flame" an especially good description. Don't see it often, but it's crystal. You see it right away. Einhorn has a Mephistophelean grace that becomes him. His charisma and charm are great assets. I feel like I've seen these characters before, but due to the skillful delivery I did not mind.
Gaz_RB - You shouldn't hesitate on your next entry. This was great. Your writing is crisp and easy. Watch the use of hyphens as em dashes, maybe the use of that dash break in general. Not that it is bad, but there could be more variation in your pacing and rhythm. Is it wrong for me to feel glad about Brad's death? The ending is abrupt. Everything after the transition to summer feels insubstantial following the high-tension moments just before. The remaining Terrorists don't seem particularly sorry or disturbed by what's happened to their friend, and while they tend toward sociopathy (I'm extrapolating here), they don't seem like total psychos. I would expect some level of shock or remorse, but they don't appear to be affected by the violence.
Tangent - Loved it, this is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for in setting memoir as the secondary. Great, real, heartfelt reflection on life. I thought the pictures were fitting, but for the LEGO dude and bear mascot. Those come through without showing them. The stick figures work great (and are consistently funny). Formatting could be honed a bit, but that's nitpicking. A little more time might be given to explore the internal conflict as narrator grows into his new self. Find it hard to suggest anything besides that. Thanks for sharing.
FlowersisBritish - First let me especially thank you for providing such extensive feedback. Sounds like you've had a hard time writing with only one arm, so it's very much appreciated.
You've checked that Chekhovian box, but I wonder if the gun is necessary at all. It does not seem as important to the story as the relationship between Anna and Jamie. Anna's internal conflict rings so loudly it deafens nearly everything else but for that one thing, and asking Jamie to lie for her is the most salient moment of all. It's when the story most seems to settle into itself. At first I thought the story ended on "Please, Jamie?" and thought that was great. There is a whole salvo of packed into that request, in Jamie's respect and concern for his aunt. That's rich earth to mine. I think I prefer that moment as an ending to what we actually get. The behaviors of these characters toward each other are more representative of conflict than repeated expressions of despair within Anna's mind. Not that those expressions are superfluous or unnecessary, but having Anna react toward a situation outside herself grounds the action and shows concretely who she is. Try playing with POV, see if you can express this story through a different character. It is affecting and personal. I can see why you felt restrained by the word count.
Cyan - You waste little time with exposition, giving us just enough to let us hit the ground running. Your world is unique, and I enjoyed spending time in it. "Eyebrows went up a fraction"—I understand what this means, but it seems incomplete. A fraction of what? Maybe I am unfamiliar with the phrase.
I'm not sure how the father is allowed on the ship if his credentials are counterfeit, or why they'd be checked after he's onboard. But that's probably fine. It's conceivable that the company is in a rough enough place that his papers would be overlooked for whatever reason. Do they kill him for that? Sounds like his daughter never sees him again, which must imply an extreme punishment.
Solid story. Don't have much else to say.
Croll - I like your character, but I am more interested in her day job than her passion. The discussion with the suited men is more interesting to me than anything else that happens in the story. First paragraph is tough to get through. I get the parallels to music, but it doesn't spark. Leading with paragraph two might be a little easier. I appreciate your ambition. You've done a great job choosing a subject. Story doesn't seem to arrive at a solid conclusion. The ending is abrupt, and feels unfinished. You write well, but the story wants to stretch a little bigger. I'm curious to how it would turn out if you didn't have a cap on length.
Nezumi - Cute story. Easy to read. I'm not going to criticize Häsi as not being flawed or pushed to his limits or anything. Doesn't seem like that kind of piece. I could imagine this being the seed for a longer children's story.
Votes -
1. Tangent
2. Mike M
3. Gaz
Thanks to everyone who wrote remarks on my story. I wrote it hoping for a few comments, and received much more than I had hoped for.
Votes:
1- Tangent
2- Dandy Crocodile
3- Nezumi
Comments:
Zakalwe - I have no idea what's going on at the beginning, especially who is speaking. There's so much to this story that you know, and I as the reader doesn't, that I constantly feel like I'm at a disadvantage.
Neeener - To invoke 'blow my mind' puts a lens on your own story, and I think you need to clarify the stakes up front. You do a great job of fleshing out your main character, but the dialogue is a little stilted and too exposition-y.
Crunched - It's vivid and descriptive, but I wish it had more of a beginning and ending to hold it together. It craves an arc, and the reptition of staring at the floor grates after a while.
Sethista - The second half is much better than the first half. You develop characters, conflicts, and emotions, while the first half is just too much exposition with not enough narration. I understand what you're going for, but there are better ways to handle the first part.
Dandy Crocodile - It's a sweet story, and I like the contrast between the narrative bits and the putting on makeup as his transformation progresses, but I think the latter would be more effective if they were shorter and more compact while the narrative bits were extended instead.
Mike M - It's very well written, but the witches are witches and the arrogant witch hunter is the arrogant witch hunter. There's a lack of underlying depth in characters or plot to go along with the writing. I was hoping for a reveal or plot turn to give it a little more meaning.
Gaz_RB - You do such a good job setting up the characters and actions that every time you drop into exposition mode it's jarring. If you moved the news report the beginning to have it playing as one of them left home you could avoid it there. The ending was also a little too predictable.
Tangent - This is a sweet story that's told very well in its simplicity without being simple. It's written at the character's level, and that results in a strong sense of their thoughts and emotions.
FlowersisBritish - The story might have been more effective in first person. I feel like the omniscent narrator is making judgments on Anna before I can arrive at my own conclusions. There's a power to this story, but putting in 3rd person feels like a wall was put up.
Cyan - You have a potentially great story here, but you're being too catty with the details. There's a richness you're denying the reader by doing more to set up the world and its characters, and without it, the situation the characters are in lacks a certain weight.
Croll - Don't explain your story so much. Let it happen. Find ways this exposition can occur naturally in the story. It would have worked better as fragments of scenes that flow into the next. The review at the end was oddly very combative, and a strange note to end on.
Nezumi - Short and cute. It does a really good job of fleshing out the central character in very little words. So even though it's a bit predictable, I find myself on the homemade plush's side.
Votes:
1- Tangent
2- Dandy Crocodile
3- Nezumi
Comments:
Zakalwe - I have no idea what's going on at the beginning, especially who is speaking. There's so much to this story that you know, and I as the reader doesn't, that I constantly feel like I'm at a disadvantage.
Neeener - To invoke 'blow my mind' puts a lens on your own story, and I think you need to clarify the stakes up front. You do a great job of fleshing out your main character, but the dialogue is a little stilted and too exposition-y.
Crunched - It's vivid and descriptive, but I wish it had more of a beginning and ending to hold it together. It craves an arc, and the reptition of staring at the floor grates after a while.
Sethista - The second half is much better than the first half. You develop characters, conflicts, and emotions, while the first half is just too much exposition with not enough narration. I understand what you're going for, but there are better ways to handle the first part.
Dandy Crocodile - It's a sweet story, and I like the contrast between the narrative bits and the putting on makeup as his transformation progresses, but I think the latter would be more effective if they were shorter and more compact while the narrative bits were extended instead.
Mike M - It's very well written, but the witches are witches and the arrogant witch hunter is the arrogant witch hunter. There's a lack of underlying depth in characters or plot to go along with the writing. I was hoping for a reveal or plot turn to give it a little more meaning.
Gaz_RB - You do such a good job setting up the characters and actions that every time you drop into exposition mode it's jarring. If you moved the news report the beginning to have it playing as one of them left home you could avoid it there. The ending was also a little too predictable.
Tangent - This is a sweet story that's told very well in its simplicity without being simple. It's written at the character's level, and that results in a strong sense of their thoughts and emotions.
FlowersisBritish - The story might have been more effective in first person. I feel like the omniscent narrator is making judgments on Anna before I can arrive at my own conclusions. There's a power to this story, but putting in 3rd person feels like a wall was put up.
Cyan - You have a potentially great story here, but you're being too catty with the details. There's a richness you're denying the reader by doing more to set up the world and its characters, and without it, the situation the characters are in lacks a certain weight.
Croll - Don't explain your story so much. Let it happen. Find ways this exposition can occur naturally in the story. It would have worked better as fragments of scenes that flow into the next. The review at the end was oddly very combative, and a strange note to end on.
Nezumi - Short and cute. It does a really good job of fleshing out the central character in very little words. So even though it's a bit predictable, I find myself on the homemade plush's side.
I just wanted to thank everybody for their feedback. I'm most likely no gonna be able to read all the stories before the deadline. Traveling and keeping up with this thread is even harder than I thought it would be.
The story I had orinially planned would have been longer but my Bluetooth keyboard kind of fucked me over so that I was glad I was able to at least get the tidbit I wrote submitted.
For those who might have wondered, Häsi is the name of the stuffed bunny I'm currently crotcheting for my niece who I have met for the first time about a week ago due to the fact that my sister in law and her husband live in Japan.
Oh and Mike, I definetly want to read that Einhorn novel. Gotta check if you got your tree facts right afterall
The story I had orinially planned would have been longer but my Bluetooth keyboard kind of fucked me over so that I was glad I was able to at least get the tidbit I wrote submitted.
For those who might have wondered, Häsi is the name of the stuffed bunny I'm currently crotcheting for my niece who I have met for the first time about a week ago due to the fact that my sister in law and her husband live in Japan.
Oh and Mike, I definetly want to read that Einhorn novel. Gotta check if you got your tree facts right afterall
I started a long post and then I exited out accidentally and so sorry if the feedback is kind of weak!
Aaron- Great setting/concept. But I feel like maybe you went a little overboard with the details at times and it sort of disrupted my reading. Very creative, and with a rigid editor I could see it being a pretty fun story. Less would definitely be more in this case, and don't feel the need to describe everything. A lot of the time I don't need to know if the knife was long, or maybe you could show me that his wife was loving instead of telling me. Things like that go a long way to making the story more readable. Leave some stuff to the imagination.
Zakalwe- I unfortunately couldn't follow this one very well. It seems like a story that wasn't very well suited for the short story format--I could see that there was an interesting world there, an interesting story, but you just didn't have enough words. Pretty well written though.
Crunched- Excellent writing, your use of appropriate and evocative descriptions and metaphors is one of your biggest strengths. The father was a bit one dimensional, and I wish the narrator was a little more fleshed out. Although you hit the family/memoir themes really well, I feel that it lacked an ending-or much of a conflict/story. Eventually all the memories of the father being a jerk at the different places ran together and grew sort of pointless.
Neener- I liked the premise of this one a lot. It was a fun, fast paced read, though it lacked the pay off I was looking for. It felt like a huge build up of energy that just sort of fluttered out. But maybe that was your point.
Cyan- Loved this one. Maybe because I'm reading a similar sort of Sci-fi novel right now, but I had a lot of fun with this one. The lack of details regarding the reason for the exodus and of other things like the object made it all the more mysterious. I really hoped that guy and his kid would get on that damned ship. Also loved the ending.
Mike M.- Cool story. Having replayed the Witcher recently, I immediately matched Einhorn with Geralt, especially with the monster hunting, vials, etc. So I sort of ended up considering it a Witcher story--but a very good one! I liked the witches and the various touches you put on their dialogue and interactions with each other, especially the bit about the line of creatures informing the witch about his coming. Good stuff.
Flowersisbritish - Really liked this one, you developed/escalated Anna really well and your writing/metaphors were on point. She played off the other characters well and it led to a pretty satisfying conclusion.
Dandy Crocodile - Your descriptions of Beni applying his makeup were really well done and a pleasure to read, but I think the actual character of Beni actually suffered for it. I didn't real feel very connected to him as a character. I also felt fairly unsatisfied by the actual storyline--in that there wasn't much of one. It felt more like a series of events than anything else.
Tangent- I really like this one a lot. You really hit the memoir objective well, and you've got a pretty great writing style.
Croll - While the writing was good, I found this one to be a bit disjointed and hard/not fun to follow. It couldn't really pull an interesting story out of what was a pretty good bit of writing.
Nezumi- Cute story, reminded me a lot of toy story in some obvious ways. The formatting made it a bit hard to read at times, but that's understandable given your circumstances.
Sethista- This one is an interesting premise that suffers from weird choice of execution. The first half was really hard to get through, mostly serving as gibberish that has nothing to do with actual story. If you want to revise this I'd say you could easily get the same point across with a paragraph rather than a page.
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. Mike M.
-----------------
Also, thanks to everyone for the feedback! I definitely plan on participating next time.
Aaron- Great setting/concept. But I feel like maybe you went a little overboard with the details at times and it sort of disrupted my reading. Very creative, and with a rigid editor I could see it being a pretty fun story. Less would definitely be more in this case, and don't feel the need to describe everything. A lot of the time I don't need to know if the knife was long, or maybe you could show me that his wife was loving instead of telling me. Things like that go a long way to making the story more readable. Leave some stuff to the imagination.
Zakalwe- I unfortunately couldn't follow this one very well. It seems like a story that wasn't very well suited for the short story format--I could see that there was an interesting world there, an interesting story, but you just didn't have enough words. Pretty well written though.
Crunched- Excellent writing, your use of appropriate and evocative descriptions and metaphors is one of your biggest strengths. The father was a bit one dimensional, and I wish the narrator was a little more fleshed out. Although you hit the family/memoir themes really well, I feel that it lacked an ending-or much of a conflict/story. Eventually all the memories of the father being a jerk at the different places ran together and grew sort of pointless.
Neener- I liked the premise of this one a lot. It was a fun, fast paced read, though it lacked the pay off I was looking for. It felt like a huge build up of energy that just sort of fluttered out. But maybe that was your point.
Cyan- Loved this one. Maybe because I'm reading a similar sort of Sci-fi novel right now, but I had a lot of fun with this one. The lack of details regarding the reason for the exodus and of other things like the object made it all the more mysterious. I really hoped that guy and his kid would get on that damned ship. Also loved the ending.
Mike M.- Cool story. Having replayed the Witcher recently, I immediately matched Einhorn with Geralt, especially with the monster hunting, vials, etc. So I sort of ended up considering it a Witcher story--but a very good one! I liked the witches and the various touches you put on their dialogue and interactions with each other, especially the bit about the line of creatures informing the witch about his coming. Good stuff.
Flowersisbritish - Really liked this one, you developed/escalated Anna really well and your writing/metaphors were on point. She played off the other characters well and it led to a pretty satisfying conclusion.
Dandy Crocodile - Your descriptions of Beni applying his makeup were really well done and a pleasure to read, but I think the actual character of Beni actually suffered for it. I didn't real feel very connected to him as a character. I also felt fairly unsatisfied by the actual storyline--in that there wasn't much of one. It felt more like a series of events than anything else.
Tangent- I really like this one a lot. You really hit the memoir objective well, and you've got a pretty great writing style.
Croll - While the writing was good, I found this one to be a bit disjointed and hard/not fun to follow. It couldn't really pull an interesting story out of what was a pretty good bit of writing.
Nezumi- Cute story, reminded me a lot of toy story in some obvious ways. The formatting made it a bit hard to read at times, but that's understandable given your circumstances.
Sethista- This one is an interesting premise that suffers from weird choice of execution. The first half was really hard to get through, mostly serving as gibberish that has nothing to do with actual story. If you want to revise this I'd say you could easily get the same point across with a paragraph rather than a page.
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. Mike M.
-----------------
Also, thanks to everyone for the feedback! I definitely plan on participating next time.
Aaron – An Ungodly Solution: It was fun seeing what it’d be like if Greek gods returned to the world today. Have you read any of the Rick Riordan books? My favorite part was how you described the gods sauntering into the house. It did feel a little rushed at the end, but maybe you were battling a word count.
Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna: This was a really fascinating story but I would have also liked to know more about the drones and the mission for the people being sent to space.
Neener – Ghost: You wrote the dialog so well. I could picture the characters and their facial expressions as they said things so easily. And what they said was so believable.
Crunched – Reservation: I just loved how you were able to juxtapose so many scenes together like that. I was thinking how in the last thread, you said how you saw your son’s face for the first time. It made me wonder if this is a true story and if the characters are people from your own life. It’s so hard to see certain thought patterns being modeled by parents, and then kids picking them up, consciously or unconsciously. This was a really powerful story and it somehow hit me personally. I guess I was thinking about family baggage and its impact. The one line that I re-read and that didn’t quite sit with me well was when the mother told the brother “Tell you brother to be kind.” It somehow bothered me that the mother wasn’t addressing what was the real problem and was using these vague words like ‘be kind.’”
Sethista – Choices: Is this your first story?! Wow. I liked the second half more than the first half. It was fun to read about the main character’s challenges with his weird mom and his friends that were betraying him. Only into that part did I understand how the video game in the beginning was symbolic of his friends. But upon the first read, it wasn’t as engaging to read the 1st half, the description of the video game, than it was to read the second half. I’m not sure how to rectify that or if you even see it as something to improve upon yourself. But maybe some way of comparing bits of the video game to the actual real life events as the story progressed might have helped? Or maybe that would get messy and hard to follow. The ending was sad and happy – which I liked. It’s just interesting how sometimes it’s easier to immerse oneself in the world of video games rather than the real world.
Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again: I kept on wondering if the dad was going to be at the drag show, because that’s where the dad hung out. Guess not! I like the dynamic you created between the son and the dad. I would have liked to see a bit more of an emotional reaction as Beni was leaving the house (for good, I think?) to go to the drag show. Also, I wasn’t quite sure if there was some symbolism going on with him putting on his makeup. If not, then I don’t think that amount of detail was necessary.
Mike M – Namenlos: My favorite part was when one of the walls climbed up the witches and ceiling and attacked the villain. The word choice for that attack were awesome and it was very vivid. I also really liked your German title. I didn’t understand why the witch hunter had more magical capabilities than the witches, like understanding the grimoire. I also wondered if the witches would have acted with more confidence towards a witch hunter, if they had more magical powers (but maybe they didn’t). Maybe I just didn’t understand that. Oh! And I love the use of “sobriquet!”
Gaz_RB – Junkies: Pretty awesome that this is your first story!! What I liked the most was seeing the kids’ viewpoints. I liked the part where you described their name, Terrorists. So irreverent! Nice! I wondered though if there might be a more complex emotional reaction to seeing the death even if they are “junkies” for their profession regardless of the consequences. But maybe you didn’t have space to explore those conflicted feelings.
FlowersisBritish – What is and isn’t there: This was beautifully written with vivid language and similes. The way you described the breakdown was so powerful it almost gave me the goosebumps. What a hard way to live. It was a little hard for me to understand what was happening at points, and her reaction, but I guess that’s all part of what made the story good: what is and isn’t there.
Cyan - The Ship People: This was a fun story to read and the most vivid part, for me, was the exchange between the father and the waiter. I was reminded of movies where there is some bandit with a kid. I can’t think of any offhand, but can picture the characters. One of the things that was striking was how the restaurant was in high demand, and running like nothing was happening. But I actually liked this. It makes me think of how there are urgent natural disasters or matters going on but we just go on with our lives, for better or worse.
Croll – Workaday: Wow this was a pretty great story in that it seemed to cover so much ground and time in a short word count! I thought it was funny how she thought buying silverware would be “giving up.” Gosh, those are a lot of disposables to go through! Anyway, though, it was sad how because they were kind of drifting out of the punk scene, they were also falling apart at the seams. All that hard work! I also liked how you put the lyrics in there.
Nezumi - For Lily: First off, so impressive that you wrote this story on your mobile! I remember doing that once for one of our challenges, while sitting on a ferry off the coast of Washington. It was challenging! And my mind wasn’t quite into the story! I really like the concepts in your stories, like stuffies coming to life to be heroes for children. Also, so cool that you are stitching Hasi for your niece! (I can’t find my umlauts right now.)
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Crunched
3. Sethista
hm. Nezumi
Wow thanks for the feedback everyone!
Zakalwe - The Future's Already Luna: This was a really fascinating story but I would have also liked to know more about the drones and the mission for the people being sent to space.
Neener – Ghost: You wrote the dialog so well. I could picture the characters and their facial expressions as they said things so easily. And what they said was so believable.
Crunched – Reservation: I just loved how you were able to juxtapose so many scenes together like that. I was thinking how in the last thread, you said how you saw your son’s face for the first time. It made me wonder if this is a true story and if the characters are people from your own life. It’s so hard to see certain thought patterns being modeled by parents, and then kids picking them up, consciously or unconsciously. This was a really powerful story and it somehow hit me personally. I guess I was thinking about family baggage and its impact. The one line that I re-read and that didn’t quite sit with me well was when the mother told the brother “Tell you brother to be kind.” It somehow bothered me that the mother wasn’t addressing what was the real problem and was using these vague words like ‘be kind.’”
Sethista – Choices: Is this your first story?! Wow. I liked the second half more than the first half. It was fun to read about the main character’s challenges with his weird mom and his friends that were betraying him. Only into that part did I understand how the video game in the beginning was symbolic of his friends. But upon the first read, it wasn’t as engaging to read the 1st half, the description of the video game, than it was to read the second half. I’m not sure how to rectify that or if you even see it as something to improve upon yourself. But maybe some way of comparing bits of the video game to the actual real life events as the story progressed might have helped? Or maybe that would get messy and hard to follow. The ending was sad and happy – which I liked. It’s just interesting how sometimes it’s easier to immerse oneself in the world of video games rather than the real world.
Dandy Crocodile - Beni, Born Again: I kept on wondering if the dad was going to be at the drag show, because that’s where the dad hung out. Guess not! I like the dynamic you created between the son and the dad. I would have liked to see a bit more of an emotional reaction as Beni was leaving the house (for good, I think?) to go to the drag show. Also, I wasn’t quite sure if there was some symbolism going on with him putting on his makeup. If not, then I don’t think that amount of detail was necessary.
Mike M – Namenlos: My favorite part was when one of the walls climbed up the witches and ceiling and attacked the villain. The word choice for that attack were awesome and it was very vivid. I also really liked your German title.
I didn’t understand why the witch hunter had more magical capabilities than the witches, like understanding the grimoire. I also wondered if the witches would have acted with more confidence towards a witch hunter, if they had more magical powers (but maybe they didn’t). Maybe I just didn’t understand that. Oh! And I love the use of “sobriquet!”Gaz_RB – Junkies: Pretty awesome that this is your first story!! What I liked the most was seeing the kids’ viewpoints. I liked the part where you described their name, Terrorists. So irreverent!
Nice! I wondered though if there might be a more complex emotional reaction to seeing the death even if they are “junkies” for their profession regardless of the consequences. But maybe you didn’t have space to explore those conflicted feelings.FlowersisBritish – What is and isn’t there: This was beautifully written with vivid language and similes. The way you described the breakdown was so powerful it almost gave me the goosebumps. What a hard way to live. It was a little hard for me to understand what was happening at points, and her reaction, but I guess that’s all part of what made the story good: what is and isn’t there.
Cyan - The Ship People: This was a fun story to read and the most vivid part, for me, was the exchange between the father and the waiter. I was reminded of movies where there is some bandit with a kid. I can’t think of any offhand, but can picture the characters. One of the things that was striking was how the restaurant was in high demand, and running like nothing was happening. But I actually liked this. It makes me think of how there are urgent natural disasters or matters going on but we just go on with our lives, for better or worse.
Croll – Workaday: Wow this was a pretty great story in that it seemed to cover so much ground and time in a short word count! I thought it was funny how she thought buying silverware would be “giving up.” Gosh, those are a lot of disposables to go through! Anyway, though, it was sad how because they were kind of drifting out of the punk scene, they were also falling apart at the seams. All that hard work! I also liked how you put the lyrics in there.
Nezumi - For Lily: First off, so impressive that you wrote this story on your mobile! I remember doing that once for one of our challenges, while sitting on a ferry off the coast of Washington. It was challenging! And my mind wasn’t quite into the story! I really like the concepts in your stories, like stuffies coming to life to be heroes for children. Also, so cool that you are stitching Hasi for your niece! (I can’t find my umlauts right now.)
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Crunched
3. Sethista
hm. Nezumi
Wow thanks for the feedback everyone!
I'm glad the symbolism of the pancakes was clear. Thanks!
I wonder if it's somehow "cheating" to say "based on a true story!"
I didn't know that the number of possible folds was a real thing until I asked someone after reading your feedback. Your feedback is getting more and more hilarious: like the bit about Fresno and the central valley. Lol. Also, cool that you know a lot about the JW church. I didn't know all those rules until I met the person this story was based off of. I felt like I got a good impression of the church after seeing the movie, "Big Eyes," in fact. Good point: I didn't think that it could be interpreted that the minister is asking when the kid will quit the church, if he can't follow the rules. I want to start using the word, "sportsball" all the time. I think I like it more than sobriquet, even.
Though I wish I were able to show more of the conflict a young adult might have... on one hand having respect for something you've grown up in, and on the other hand, feeling like there are inconsistencies that are making your life unnecessarily difficult. For the record, now the MC, in real life, as an adult, thinks the church was a just horrible for him. It's interesting how one can go through so many transitions as they grow.Tangent: this was very sweet, and i like the visual aids
I didn't like the LEGO dude and bear mascot as much either. Good point, though, I could have just left them out all together. Yeah, I wish I did a better job of exploring the internal conflict. I wasn't sure how to do so, but will work on it. I have to admit to you though, this isn't directly my story, but the story of a very good friend of mine.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
What a real slobberknocker. Also wow there was a lot of feedback this round.
Everyone needs to get on my level : P
: )
(Seriously though, someone double check my math. I've fucked this up in the past)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Oh it's right. I was about to post but then you did. Congrats on the win!
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