British Monsoon
Member
Apologies, won't be able to vote in time, as I won't be home for another 12 hours or so. I'll make an effort to read the entries, regardless.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #166 - "Dust"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Like the hat?
Banned
Ward
Kelly
Cyan
loved the stories all around.
Kelly
Cyan
loved the stories all around.
Ha, I just read Kelly's. The foxy ladies of your critique group are pretty good!
MoG EclipsE
Member
1. Western Exposure
2. ethereal
3. Revenant Sins
2. ethereal
3. Revenant Sins
Maaaaan, this one was really hard to narrow down. At the end I had a giant list of possible votes to trim down, and even after trimming down I still had like six that I really wanted to vote for. Had to make notes to help me keep track of which was which. All right, here we go.
Votes:
1. Mike M - "Revenant Sins"
2. Nezumi - "Help Wanted"
3. Kelly - "The Western Exposure"
Mike, tell your foxy ladies to sign up and become regulars. They were all great.
Votes:
1. Mike M - "Revenant Sins"
2. Nezumi - "Help Wanted"
3. Kelly - "The Western Exposure"
Mike, tell your foxy ladies to sign up and become regulars. They were all great.
The "no free email address" thing is a hurdle for them, unless you have some mod magic to work.Mike, tell your foxy ladies to sign up and become regulars. They were all great.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
So this was fun. I did a little test to see what would take longer, going through all of these, or two months worth of laundry. hahaha I finished my laundry over an hour ago... Anyway great stories all around this time.
Stinkles- Fermi's Parachute: I was hoping for a big reveal about how awesome we humans were, and by God I got it. I really did like the reveal about how the grand champions of earth Aliens should be afraid of are Kirk and The Doctor. There's something warming about the idea the legacy of our fictions could be taken literally.
Beaniedude- There's a Snow Pun: I really like the idea of Santa Claus getting evicted. It's a fun Idea, and you build up a really interesting fiction about how he got to that point. I just wished you didn't tell us Santa's story in the form of one big dialogue dump. We could have also used more from Mr. Foughly. Showing a bit more of his character would make your pun ending a little more impactful.
Like The Hat- Summer: You had some good descriptions throughout, in particular your dream sequence. The bit with the hands in it and the end is really good. This is a small nitpick, but why is the dead wife young in the dream? I get why; because he desires to return to youth and all that, but this is a women he's been with for years. It's weird to me he'd remember her as a young person and not someone his own age. Also I feel the desire for youth thing just kinda shows up at the end.
Sethista- Directions: Very sweet. It really hit me with teh figurines in the Grand Canyon. There were a lot of moments that touched me, but that one was easily the strongest. These really touching moments make the reveal that the MC has a wife was more impactful. I don't feel like we get enough of dead girlfriend's character though. All her letter's feel a little stiff.
Ward- The Dust Settled, What was Left: A lot of really cool concepts through out. I really like the part where MC related the mall's degrade to his own. You showed a really great passage of time as people reactions to him, and the mall's sights change through out. One thing that threw me off, you describe the person in the 55 as a separate person, but then later we learn it's the narrators 55?
Mike M- Revenant Sins: I love the idea of Boyd getting chased by his dead partner he betrayed and constantly shouting "You woulda done the same" You let everything play out enough for the reader to figure out the details and the relationship between them. it feels very natural, and then you have a big plot dump about the hotel and how tired Boyd was of running that killed it for me. I did really love that back and forth though.
Kelly- Western Exposure: The dual narrative of the truth presented in the beginning and the lie in dialogue is great. It just sort of happens and it's easy to miss, but it's there and I love that. Although, since it's so shrouded in deceit, there were some details that threw me off. Why the four other women? Did Cate steal their husbands hearts too? If the doctor killed them why not Priscilla? The answers might be there, but I missed them *shrug* Your dialogue in general is pretty great, really love the part with dressing daughters in matching clothes.
Shannon- Molly: Wouldn't the doll say "It's me Molly" not "My name is Molly" The former better matches the formal tone Molly takes on after that. Small nitpick, in general i loved this story. The lead up with the dollhouse into that horror dream is great. The dream is also really awesome with a gradual descent into nightmare. I also love how you turn it around at the end, saying it's just a dream and there is a lesson to be learned. Just wish you didn't literally say "there's a lesson to be learned" That part makes the ending a little too on the nose for me.
Nicole- Shadows of Death: I really think this needs to be shorter. in the first and middle part. Your ending is perfect. That's why I think it needs to be shorter. The pure idea of a God finding the last human and the Human finding a god is just amazing. There's something poetic about these two people wandering wastelands to find an otherworldly being. Your ending is really good, i just wished I could have gotten there quicker.
Cathy- Dawn to Dust: I got some mixed messages in regards to the queen. In narration, it sounds like he regards her highly, but his dialogue makes it seem like he couldn't give a damn? I really like the use of colors through out the story. Also the idea of The Artist, even though I think that detail just sort of shows up for no reason, even if it added to those colors I loved so much. I also like the comparison to the Reaper Bug at the end. It's a good way to bring it around, and I love the implications his rule might be short lived.
Alexlevesque- Dusted: Sorry, i don't really have a good head for poetry. I think your opening line is strong and grabbing.
Cyan- Nightshift at the Academy: Ah man what a great story. Just the idea of janitorial work at a wizard school is great alone, but you also have some interesting magic elements at play as well, like the soapy water turning the ash to mud. Also you did a fantastic job of "Show not tell" with your world details. It's a shame more people didn't do the secondary, because those extra details really helped make your world feel more real. I did not care for your end line though. The "And sighed" feels pretty awkwardly placed and pulled me out.
Dandy Crocodile- Off the Record: I really like how you keep putting in this detail of how clean everything was, and then we get to the trophy room and it's dusty. Just a great little moment. I think her reasonings for wanting to get out are great, and in general I really want to commend you for showing Penny and Richard a lot of character. It makes there good bye a lot stronger. I do think the "Thank you." is too much, "they hugged once more" is fine enough for an ending for me.
Tangent- In the Middle: So I think the picture were pretty annoying. i get there purpose and I think it's clever, still annoyed the shit out of me as I had to jump those god dan lines like a hurdler. Other than that, this was great. It's really touching and sweet, and even though I dislike the picture, they offered a wonderful children's story feel to it. Your poem was great too, and I also loved the way you sought resolution after Tommy's death. It led way to some great character development that was pretty moving.
Neener- One by One: I find myself weirdly interested in ant society now. The detail about how this was Davi's one chance to be a scout, and the idea of a "50 ant job" are great. The struggle with the fungus's control was great, and I love how she was most dangerous because she tried to resist it so much. I'm conflicted by the last half though. it's great, well written and i enjoy learning what the fungus did on a technical level. It just feels weird to me, maybe the point flew over my head?
Bootaaay- Dust: Welp, this was dark. There's something really humorous about the demon's main goal being to find a not itchy body. As a man currently scratching his calf, I can relate to the struggle. There were a lot of interesting details through out this, like the peeling the nurse like layers and the hell on earth being more comfortable than hell.
Nezumi- Help Wanted: I think you use the book keeper joke once too many. Only once though. Everything else hit the right funny bones. Particularly how Glittersparkle found her groove and zen only to release fairy dust by accident. It's a really great ending and i love how she basically says "fuck it" and quits.
Ashes- Ethereal: I really wished we got more into Alice's character, got to see more of what she thought of the things happening around her. She feels very cold, I like that in a main character, but I just wished I got to see her being cold more. The scene where she left the women bleeding to death was good, but not enough. There were a lot of good line throughout it, and in general I thought the minimalistic style worked great and pulled me in. Yet you also used some weird phrases that pulled me out too, like "Our child" and all those &. Also the part where she gets the gun feels meaningless because she never used it, same with her fleeing the car only to return to it consequence free.
Votes:
1) Cyan
2) Neener
3) Dandy Crocodile
HM to the Foxy ladies
Stinkles- Fermi's Parachute: I was hoping for a big reveal about how awesome we humans were, and by God I got it. I really did like the reveal about how the grand champions of earth Aliens should be afraid of are Kirk and The Doctor. There's something warming about the idea the legacy of our fictions could be taken literally.
Beaniedude- There's a Snow Pun: I really like the idea of Santa Claus getting evicted. It's a fun Idea, and you build up a really interesting fiction about how he got to that point. I just wished you didn't tell us Santa's story in the form of one big dialogue dump. We could have also used more from Mr. Foughly. Showing a bit more of his character would make your pun ending a little more impactful.
Like The Hat- Summer: You had some good descriptions throughout, in particular your dream sequence. The bit with the hands in it and the end is really good. This is a small nitpick, but why is the dead wife young in the dream? I get why; because he desires to return to youth and all that, but this is a women he's been with for years. It's weird to me he'd remember her as a young person and not someone his own age. Also I feel the desire for youth thing just kinda shows up at the end.
Sethista- Directions: Very sweet. It really hit me with teh figurines in the Grand Canyon. There were a lot of moments that touched me, but that one was easily the strongest. These really touching moments make the reveal that the MC has a wife was more impactful. I don't feel like we get enough of dead girlfriend's character though. All her letter's feel a little stiff.
Ward- The Dust Settled, What was Left: A lot of really cool concepts through out. I really like the part where MC related the mall's degrade to his own. You showed a really great passage of time as people reactions to him, and the mall's sights change through out. One thing that threw me off, you describe the person in the 55 as a separate person, but then later we learn it's the narrators 55?
Mike M- Revenant Sins: I love the idea of Boyd getting chased by his dead partner he betrayed and constantly shouting "You woulda done the same" You let everything play out enough for the reader to figure out the details and the relationship between them. it feels very natural, and then you have a big plot dump about the hotel and how tired Boyd was of running that killed it for me. I did really love that back and forth though.
Kelly- Western Exposure: The dual narrative of the truth presented in the beginning and the lie in dialogue is great. It just sort of happens and it's easy to miss, but it's there and I love that. Although, since it's so shrouded in deceit, there were some details that threw me off. Why the four other women? Did Cate steal their husbands hearts too? If the doctor killed them why not Priscilla? The answers might be there, but I missed them *shrug* Your dialogue in general is pretty great, really love the part with dressing daughters in matching clothes.
Shannon- Molly: Wouldn't the doll say "It's me Molly" not "My name is Molly" The former better matches the formal tone Molly takes on after that. Small nitpick, in general i loved this story. The lead up with the dollhouse into that horror dream is great. The dream is also really awesome with a gradual descent into nightmare. I also love how you turn it around at the end, saying it's just a dream and there is a lesson to be learned. Just wish you didn't literally say "there's a lesson to be learned" That part makes the ending a little too on the nose for me.
Nicole- Shadows of Death: I really think this needs to be shorter. in the first and middle part. Your ending is perfect. That's why I think it needs to be shorter. The pure idea of a God finding the last human and the Human finding a god is just amazing. There's something poetic about these two people wandering wastelands to find an otherworldly being. Your ending is really good, i just wished I could have gotten there quicker.
Cathy- Dawn to Dust: I got some mixed messages in regards to the queen. In narration, it sounds like he regards her highly, but his dialogue makes it seem like he couldn't give a damn? I really like the use of colors through out the story. Also the idea of The Artist, even though I think that detail just sort of shows up for no reason, even if it added to those colors I loved so much. I also like the comparison to the Reaper Bug at the end. It's a good way to bring it around, and I love the implications his rule might be short lived.
Alexlevesque- Dusted: Sorry, i don't really have a good head for poetry. I think your opening line is strong and grabbing.
Cyan- Nightshift at the Academy: Ah man what a great story. Just the idea of janitorial work at a wizard school is great alone, but you also have some interesting magic elements at play as well, like the soapy water turning the ash to mud. Also you did a fantastic job of "Show not tell" with your world details. It's a shame more people didn't do the secondary, because those extra details really helped make your world feel more real. I did not care for your end line though. The "And sighed" feels pretty awkwardly placed and pulled me out.
Dandy Crocodile- Off the Record: I really like how you keep putting in this detail of how clean everything was, and then we get to the trophy room and it's dusty. Just a great little moment. I think her reasonings for wanting to get out are great, and in general I really want to commend you for showing Penny and Richard a lot of character. It makes there good bye a lot stronger. I do think the "Thank you." is too much, "they hugged once more" is fine enough for an ending for me.
Tangent- In the Middle: So I think the picture were pretty annoying. i get there purpose and I think it's clever, still annoyed the shit out of me as I had to jump those god dan lines like a hurdler. Other than that, this was great. It's really touching and sweet, and even though I dislike the picture, they offered a wonderful children's story feel to it. Your poem was great too, and I also loved the way you sought resolution after Tommy's death. It led way to some great character development that was pretty moving.
Neener- One by One: I find myself weirdly interested in ant society now. The detail about how this was Davi's one chance to be a scout, and the idea of a "50 ant job" are great. The struggle with the fungus's control was great, and I love how she was most dangerous because she tried to resist it so much. I'm conflicted by the last half though. it's great, well written and i enjoy learning what the fungus did on a technical level. It just feels weird to me, maybe the point flew over my head?
Bootaaay- Dust: Welp, this was dark. There's something really humorous about the demon's main goal being to find a not itchy body. As a man currently scratching his calf, I can relate to the struggle. There were a lot of interesting details through out this, like the peeling the nurse like layers and the hell on earth being more comfortable than hell.
Nezumi- Help Wanted: I think you use the book keeper joke once too many. Only once though. Everything else hit the right funny bones. Particularly how Glittersparkle found her groove and zen only to release fairy dust by accident. It's a really great ending and i love how she basically says "fuck it" and quits.
Ashes- Ethereal: I really wished we got more into Alice's character, got to see more of what she thought of the things happening around her. She feels very cold, I like that in a main character, but I just wished I got to see her being cold more. The scene where she left the women bleeding to death was good, but not enough. There were a lot of good line throughout it, and in general I thought the minimalistic style worked great and pulled me in. Yet you also used some weird phrases that pulled me out too, like "Our child" and all those &. Also the part where she gets the gun feels meaningless because she never used it, same with her fleeing the car only to return to it consequence free.
Votes:
1) Cyan
2) Neener
3) Dandy Crocodile
HM to the Foxy ladies
Stinkles: Not sure if the homage to Theyre Made of Meat is intentional or coincidence, but it was the first thing that popped to mind. It did so immediately and persisted throughout the whole thing. I take a fairly dim view of fanfiction in general, so the moment this started talking about how humanity had warped space and going on about biological conquests I had pieced together it was something about Kirk and immediately started cringing inwardly. And then it turned out to be a crossover fanfiction with Dr. Who, which twisted the knife another rotation. I realize fanfiction is huge, some of it is excellent, and there are people who got a start on a legit career by doing it, but its just not a genre I enjoy. And for point of reference, I probably say all that as a massive hypocrite because Ive written novels worth of material set in pre-established franchise settings, and won a challenge by filing the numbers off what was essentially fanfiction in the past. I guess what Im saying is ignore me.
Beaniedude: Im shocked that Ive never seen this done before, as the premise immediately strikes me as a great one. Of all the cynical, modern-day twists on folklore and fairy tales that we are inundated with these days, I think you may have happened upon one of the last stones left unturned (or at least found one that I havent previously encountered). The pun at the end was a bit much (you already pulled the pun card with the auditors name), the formatting left much to be desired, and there were scads of missing commas, but thats nothing a revision and editing pass couldnt fix. It deeply appealed to my pathological hatred of the holidays.
Like the hat?: Solid writing, though I wasnt the biggest fan of the switching from the present tense to the past tense for such large swaths at a time, I think you probably could have just done the whole thing in past tense and it would be less jarring for the effort. Its a nice little vignette, but feels incomplete as a story. Like this is the background information needed to understand the headspace and mindset of a character before theres some inciting incident that kicks off the actual conflict that is eventually resolved, only that incident didnt come.
Sethista: I have difficulty buying into the framing of this story. From the get go, I thought we were dealing with some elderly man disposing of his deceased wifes ashes, but if that was the case then why would he need the lawyer and the notebook, etc. The scope of the relationship kept winnowing down, so even after it became clear that they hadnt been together, the age of the protagonist and the duration of the relationship kept narrowing until we find out that it was some girl he dated his senior year of high school, and I think thats the point it fell apart for me. Their relationship was too short for me to go along with this notion that they had this trip around the world that kept growing more elaborate as they kept putting it off, or really that they had any meaningful emotional investment beyond teenage infatuation because otherwise they wouldnt have just gone their separate ways like that. It felt like it was shooting for the intro sequence to Up, but skipped the central core of the relationship that made it so emotionally devastating.
Ward: The focus is wandering a bit on this one. We start off with a first person view, but then were in omnipresent third person describing what both drivers are experiencing, then back to first person. We start off with the drag racing and the incaution of youth, and the example of the broken vase that seems clear foreshadowing of a car wreck and the cost of the folly of youth, but then we spend an extended time lapse of the narrator growing old as he sits in the food court of the mall before the accident and the outcome is actually revealed. Up until that point, it was never actually clear that he was even participating in the race at the start due to the shift in perspective to encompass what both drivers were experiencing. All the pieces of the story youre trying to tell are there, but they need some more time in the shop to fit together in the way youre trying to do it.
Mike M: At first reading, this might seem like it was inspired by It Follows, but really its just the result of me being unable to shake the notion of doing a Western while at the same time perusing my D&D Monster Manual. Westerns usually arent my thing, though I do have soft spot in my heart for what you might call Weird West. Wild Wild West, Werewolf: The Wild West, Back to the Future 3, maybe even some stuff Ive written in the past, etc. Im a writer and consumer of speculative fiction, so I guess it makes sense. This wasnt the strongest story in the world--ideally Id have liked to have told the story from the double-cross onward and include everything that drove Boyd to his final stand, but the word count is the word count and apparently going over doesnt yield good results for me anyway : P Its got a beginning, middle, end, and a conflict that gets resolved, so I guess its at least complete if not fleshed out.
Kelly, Nicole, Shannon, Cathy: You all already know what I think, you can always text me if youve got further questions : ) The notion that youre reading this right now is actually really weird to me
alexlevesque: Yep. Its a poem. Those count too!
Cyan: Man, I know Harry Potter wasnt the first to do the whole School of Spellcraft stuff, but damn if it didnt wreck the notion for anyone who might want to do their own take on it though. Granted, the who cleans up after this mess angle for it hasnt been explored much to my knowledge (its magic, I would imagine in most instances the mess would just be magicked away, after all), though youre still sitting at the feet of stuff like Damage Control. I think the tone was a little off target, as it seemed trying to be equal parts farce with the weary, more experienced janitor following the jacked-up Alec and ruminating on how difficult each subsequent disaster was going to be to clean, while at the same time trying to be a heartfelt piece of classism or something. He who pursues two birds catches none and all that. Plus you have to wonder why they would leave heaps of this volatile stuff lying around each Thursday anyway and what they were doing with it in the first place...
Dandy Crocodile: I think my problem with this one is that you were shooting for a story that was told largely through the dialogue of the principal characters, but the dialogue itself seemed rather stilted to me. A lot of it seemed phrased specifically for the purpose of imparting knowledge to the reader, and not how people in an actual conversation would naturally talk to one another. It didnt help that the story itself wasnt particularly interesting. There was an actress, she was super-accomplished, but then she retired because she wanted to. Theres no secret, no reveal. Ho-hum. Its hard to feel any sort of connection and care about a character whos biggest trouble in life is that shes just might be too content with retiring with enough money to afford two houses and never work another day in her life in her early thirties.
Tangent:Glow sticks? But visual aids are against the rules! The illustrations were cute, but dropping them into the middle of paragraphs broke up the text in ways that made it hard to follow sometimes. I grew up with an African Gray myself, so I appreciated details like it previously having belonged to an old woman for many years since they are ridiculously long-lived parrots and I would have come at you for having it die unexpectedly after such a short period of time in the possession of the the protagonist ; ) I wouldnt describe the species as large, though. Maybe next to a parakeet or canary, but when I think of monstrous parrots, I think macaws and cockatoos. Then again, I had a Dalmatian that I always thought of as medium sized but everyone told me was huge, so my frames of reference may be lacking. I think what I liked the least about this is that the meaning of the title didnt become clear until near the end, and the whole thing about him becoming a middle child didnt seem to have much if anything to do with how the parrot helped improve his life since he reverted almost completely to the way things were once the parrot died.
FlowersisBritish: Martin is an irredeemable sociopath. Not only is he incapable of empathy, but I am incapable of being empathetic with him. His actions with Pauls cremains are flabbergastingly cruel and inhumane, and not those of anyone who would harbor even a flickering candle flame of concern for the welfare of his sister. Terrible, irredeemable characters can be interesting, but the problem is that we just spent the entire story that preceded that event with Martin having a stated desire to protect Alexa (though even then they were self-centered in origin). To have him commit to that kind of atrocity at the end, we need a stronger foundation to make the case that he is an unfeeling monster. Or, alternately, if he was not supposed to be a monster, the ending was discordant with the rest of the story. The head hop to Alexa toward the end was something that would have best been avoided as well.
Neeener: Ants cant cough on account that they dont have lungs, nor can they close their eyes on account that they dont have eyelids : ) Other than that, it was a fairly scientifically accurate account from the point of view of the ant, so kudos on that. I personally felt that the explanatory postscript with the humans was surplus to requirements, but thats because I knew straight away where you were going with the whole thing and didnt need it explained to me. Hell, in a post The Last of Us world, Im not sure anyone on this board would have needed it explained to them either, as knowledge about cordyceps are practically part of the popular culture now.
Bootaaay: I liked the premise of this one, but the execution of the demons plan was flawed, and Im unclear if that is a failure on the part of the character or the writer. By all evidence, he snuck into a maternity ward nursery, but thats something thats fallen well out of favor for a while. And even if we were to assume that this was a NICU, thats not really synonymous with a clean room like youd see in electronics fabrication. Maybe for an immunocompromised patient, but not just babies. He may have had better luck if hed jumped someone in a bunny suit in a CPU processor fabrication outfit.
Nezumi: It was cute and had lots of good lines, but there were a couple things holding it back for me. The question of why she would quit her job as a fairy godmother wasnt answered to my satisfaction. Yeah, it was okay to say that she wasnt paid well enough for her trouble and the people she was helping were ungrateful assholes, but the issue for me was that she is a fairy godmother. What is that prevents herself from just magicking up a pile of money for herself, or whatever else it is that she requires? It wouldnt even need to be much (theres no granting your own wishes), but its something I needed addressed. And despite my very best efforts to avoid prescriptive advice, a story about a fairy godmother who ends up scrubbing the floors and doing menial housework, and theres no reflection on how shes found herself in position of Cinderella? Reeeeeeeeally?
Ashes: I felt like I was reading the description of some sort of surreal arthouse film. The childs dialogue is far more sophisticated than I would ever associate with someone I would describe as being a child (or even a teenager, since we see her driving later), and were in third person the whole while except for this one random line in first person. And ultimately it amounts to there being some multinational military force staging an assault on a single UK village where the rest of the world outside is completely unaware of it? Because its the darkest place in the UK on account of its isolation? Its weird and its nightmarish in its dream logic, but I think I liked what I understood it to be. Unless I completely misunderstood it, in which case what I thought it was would make a good story on its own!
Voting this week was really hard. Ask me again, and I would probably have a completely different slate of candidates to vote for
Votes:
1.) Ashes
2.) Beaniedude
3.) Cathy
Beaniedude: Im shocked that Ive never seen this done before, as the premise immediately strikes me as a great one. Of all the cynical, modern-day twists on folklore and fairy tales that we are inundated with these days, I think you may have happened upon one of the last stones left unturned (or at least found one that I havent previously encountered). The pun at the end was a bit much (you already pulled the pun card with the auditors name), the formatting left much to be desired, and there were scads of missing commas, but thats nothing a revision and editing pass couldnt fix. It deeply appealed to my pathological hatred of the holidays.
Like the hat?: Solid writing, though I wasnt the biggest fan of the switching from the present tense to the past tense for such large swaths at a time, I think you probably could have just done the whole thing in past tense and it would be less jarring for the effort. Its a nice little vignette, but feels incomplete as a story. Like this is the background information needed to understand the headspace and mindset of a character before theres some inciting incident that kicks off the actual conflict that is eventually resolved, only that incident didnt come.
Sethista: I have difficulty buying into the framing of this story. From the get go, I thought we were dealing with some elderly man disposing of his deceased wifes ashes, but if that was the case then why would he need the lawyer and the notebook, etc. The scope of the relationship kept winnowing down, so even after it became clear that they hadnt been together, the age of the protagonist and the duration of the relationship kept narrowing until we find out that it was some girl he dated his senior year of high school, and I think thats the point it fell apart for me. Their relationship was too short for me to go along with this notion that they had this trip around the world that kept growing more elaborate as they kept putting it off, or really that they had any meaningful emotional investment beyond teenage infatuation because otherwise they wouldnt have just gone their separate ways like that. It felt like it was shooting for the intro sequence to Up, but skipped the central core of the relationship that made it so emotionally devastating.
Ward: The focus is wandering a bit on this one. We start off with a first person view, but then were in omnipresent third person describing what both drivers are experiencing, then back to first person. We start off with the drag racing and the incaution of youth, and the example of the broken vase that seems clear foreshadowing of a car wreck and the cost of the folly of youth, but then we spend an extended time lapse of the narrator growing old as he sits in the food court of the mall before the accident and the outcome is actually revealed. Up until that point, it was never actually clear that he was even participating in the race at the start due to the shift in perspective to encompass what both drivers were experiencing. All the pieces of the story youre trying to tell are there, but they need some more time in the shop to fit together in the way youre trying to do it.
Mike M: At first reading, this might seem like it was inspired by It Follows, but really its just the result of me being unable to shake the notion of doing a Western while at the same time perusing my D&D Monster Manual. Westerns usually arent my thing, though I do have soft spot in my heart for what you might call Weird West. Wild Wild West, Werewolf: The Wild West, Back to the Future 3, maybe even some stuff Ive written in the past, etc. Im a writer and consumer of speculative fiction, so I guess it makes sense. This wasnt the strongest story in the world--ideally Id have liked to have told the story from the double-cross onward and include everything that drove Boyd to his final stand, but the word count is the word count and apparently going over doesnt yield good results for me anyway : P Its got a beginning, middle, end, and a conflict that gets resolved, so I guess its at least complete if not fleshed out.
Kelly, Nicole, Shannon, Cathy: You all already know what I think, you can always text me if youve got further questions : ) The notion that youre reading this right now is actually really weird to me
alexlevesque: Yep. Its a poem. Those count too!
Cyan: Man, I know Harry Potter wasnt the first to do the whole School of Spellcraft stuff, but damn if it didnt wreck the notion for anyone who might want to do their own take on it though. Granted, the who cleans up after this mess angle for it hasnt been explored much to my knowledge (its magic, I would imagine in most instances the mess would just be magicked away, after all), though youre still sitting at the feet of stuff like Damage Control. I think the tone was a little off target, as it seemed trying to be equal parts farce with the weary, more experienced janitor following the jacked-up Alec and ruminating on how difficult each subsequent disaster was going to be to clean, while at the same time trying to be a heartfelt piece of classism or something. He who pursues two birds catches none and all that. Plus you have to wonder why they would leave heaps of this volatile stuff lying around each Thursday anyway and what they were doing with it in the first place...
Dandy Crocodile: I think my problem with this one is that you were shooting for a story that was told largely through the dialogue of the principal characters, but the dialogue itself seemed rather stilted to me. A lot of it seemed phrased specifically for the purpose of imparting knowledge to the reader, and not how people in an actual conversation would naturally talk to one another. It didnt help that the story itself wasnt particularly interesting. There was an actress, she was super-accomplished, but then she retired because she wanted to. Theres no secret, no reveal. Ho-hum. Its hard to feel any sort of connection and care about a character whos biggest trouble in life is that shes just might be too content with retiring with enough money to afford two houses and never work another day in her life in her early thirties.
Tangent:
FlowersisBritish: Martin is an irredeemable sociopath. Not only is he incapable of empathy, but I am incapable of being empathetic with him. His actions with Pauls cremains are flabbergastingly cruel and inhumane, and not those of anyone who would harbor even a flickering candle flame of concern for the welfare of his sister. Terrible, irredeemable characters can be interesting, but the problem is that we just spent the entire story that preceded that event with Martin having a stated desire to protect Alexa (though even then they were self-centered in origin). To have him commit to that kind of atrocity at the end, we need a stronger foundation to make the case that he is an unfeeling monster. Or, alternately, if he was not supposed to be a monster, the ending was discordant with the rest of the story. The head hop to Alexa toward the end was something that would have best been avoided as well.
Neeener: Ants cant cough on account that they dont have lungs, nor can they close their eyes on account that they dont have eyelids : ) Other than that, it was a fairly scientifically accurate account from the point of view of the ant, so kudos on that. I personally felt that the explanatory postscript with the humans was surplus to requirements, but thats because I knew straight away where you were going with the whole thing and didnt need it explained to me. Hell, in a post The Last of Us world, Im not sure anyone on this board would have needed it explained to them either, as knowledge about cordyceps are practically part of the popular culture now.
Bootaaay: I liked the premise of this one, but the execution of the demons plan was flawed, and Im unclear if that is a failure on the part of the character or the writer. By all evidence, he snuck into a maternity ward nursery, but thats something thats fallen well out of favor for a while. And even if we were to assume that this was a NICU, thats not really synonymous with a clean room like youd see in electronics fabrication. Maybe for an immunocompromised patient, but not just babies. He may have had better luck if hed jumped someone in a bunny suit in a CPU processor fabrication outfit.
Nezumi: It was cute and had lots of good lines, but there were a couple things holding it back for me. The question of why she would quit her job as a fairy godmother wasnt answered to my satisfaction. Yeah, it was okay to say that she wasnt paid well enough for her trouble and the people she was helping were ungrateful assholes, but the issue for me was that she is a fairy godmother. What is that prevents herself from just magicking up a pile of money for herself, or whatever else it is that she requires? It wouldnt even need to be much (theres no granting your own wishes), but its something I needed addressed. And despite my very best efforts to avoid prescriptive advice, a story about a fairy godmother who ends up scrubbing the floors and doing menial housework, and theres no reflection on how shes found herself in position of Cinderella? Reeeeeeeeally?
Ashes: I felt like I was reading the description of some sort of surreal arthouse film. The childs dialogue is far more sophisticated than I would ever associate with someone I would describe as being a child (or even a teenager, since we see her driving later), and were in third person the whole while except for this one random line in first person. And ultimately it amounts to there being some multinational military force staging an assault on a single UK village where the rest of the world outside is completely unaware of it? Because its the darkest place in the UK on account of its isolation? Its weird and its nightmarish in its dream logic, but I think I liked what I understood it to be. Unless I completely misunderstood it, in which case what I thought it was would make a good story on its own!
Voting this week was really hard. Ask me again, and I would probably have a completely different slate of candidates to vote for
Votes:
1.) Ashes
2.) Beaniedude
3.) Cathy
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Kelly - The Western Exposure
2.) Cyan - Night Shift at the Academy
3.) Mike M - Revenant Sins
2.) Cyan - Night Shift at the Academy
3.) Mike M - Revenant Sins
MikeM I was totally wondering if yours was inspired by It Follows. Something so spooky about the idea of something always moving towards you.
To be honest though, I liked yours better than it follows... Having them be corpses and there being an actual reason/story made a huge difference.
To be honest though, I liked yours better than it follows... Having them be corpses and there being an actual reason/story made a huge difference.
I guess it is time for the results!
1.) Mike M - "Revenant Sins"
2.) Kelly - "The Western Exposure"
3.) Cyan - "Night Shift at the Academy"
Vote Count:
Mike M - 14 (3)
Kelly - 13 (3)
Cyan - 11 (1)
Ward - 6 (2)
Ashes - 6 (1)
Bootaaay - 5 (1)
Neeener - 3
Tangent - 2
Nezumi - 2
Beaniedude - 2
Cathy - 1
Dandy Crocodile - 1
Congratulation Mike! Time to bless us with one of your awful secondaries
1.) Mike M - "Revenant Sins"
2.) Kelly - "The Western Exposure"
3.) Cyan - "Night Shift at the Academy"
Vote Count:
Mike M - 14 (3)
Kelly - 13 (3)
Cyan - 11 (1)
Ward - 6 (2)
Ashes - 6 (1)
Bootaaay - 5 (1)
Neeener - 3
Tangent - 2
Nezumi - 2
Beaniedude - 2
Cathy - 1
Dandy Crocodile - 1
Congratulation Mike! Time to bless us with one of your awful secondaries
Congratulation Mike! Time to bless us with one of your awful secondaries
Everyone must write in conversational French!
- Status