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[Freeza Under The Shower]

still reading...

 

[Keleesto]

Votes -

#1 - Cathy - for characters
#2 - Ashes - for completeness
#3 - ChainsawKitten - for style

Honorable Mention - Frekifox - for her worldbuilding!

Feedback -

Jintor- Underfoot
Teenage girl villain! Interesting idea. I found myself wanting to hear more about Emily, and didn’t care so much about the girl slowly turning into a dog. I did get caught up in how the story read, however, with all the “really’s” and info in parenthesis. I thought it sounded like a first draft and needed additional polishing in order to make it flow better.

Cowlick- Hobocoat
I liked how you told the story from all perspectives, the interconnectivity really made it an easy and fun read. I did think your mechanics were a bit off and could have used another once-over. Also, Summer’s end was a bit abrupt for me, but I know how short stories go with our word limit and doing your perspectives didn’t allow much time for a bigger build-up to the ending.

Belmonkey- In her shoes
What a lot of sex/gender hot-button issues you covered in such a small word count! The body changing was confusing for me since you switched from she to he but still kept their names most part but it didn’t feel consistent. How the animals were written as humans was confusing for me.

Tangent-Slow Accultration
It was a cute concept and an enjoyable easy read with a steady flow. I’m not sure a turtle would elicit screams however, unless we are talking about the Ninja Turtles appearing or something. Still, I enjoyed seeing things from a turtle’s non-furry eyes.

ChainsawKitten-charmeleides
Interesting concept, set up and styling. Read well with clean copy and it had a nice flow. I enjoyed it.

Cathy-Half-life
I enjoyed the description of Malcolm and the woman and I think you had some great descriptions like how Sean's hands jumbled when he was anxious to get into the water. Interesting story and good character development quickly.

Mike M-Felinus Domesticus
Real heart wrenching stuff. We all hate losing a furry friend. I thought you had some really funny gems in there but I wasn’t the biggest fan of the conversational tone of the piece. I’ve read lots of memoirs so I’ll admit I judged this piece with high standards. Always well written and clean copy.

Freeza too long a name- Repltilian
You really had my interest peaked in the beginning but then I quickly felt a bit lost. I feel like I missed a metaphor. His father was wood and mother rubber? Why is he in the hospital? The pigs were pretty freaky though but I got caught up in the grammatical and tense errors.

Haly- Red Crane of the Karst
I was really interested when I first started reading this piece, but to be honest, I found myself starting to skim half-way through. It is always hard to cut but I think this piece could have been dwindled down to the necessities and it might have improved the flow. I am an action junction though, so perhaps I’m bias.

Ward- Homerun and Nails in a smashing good time*
Loved the title and the character names. I did think it could have done with more description. I did question the end. If the animals were so intelligent to do all these things, wouldn’t they have noticed a zipper? It was a fun read though!

Frexifox- The Circus
I really liked your world building - the dragon, circus, species, etc., You have some great description and I found myself really wanting to know more about the world and technology and how things play out. Because of this, the ending left me wanting more. I wasn’t a complete believer in her motives to risk everything just so her human charge would be kept alive. I understand this all might be because of the limited word count. I really liked it though!

FlowersisBritish-too long to type
First: gross ending (very visual and nicely described, but really gross!). I did go through most of the read thinking it was a kid, so when the yiffing came into play, I was kinda weirded out. More weirded out than the miffing itself, at least. I thought it was well written and darkly kinda funny.

KCDenton- out for a walk
Interesting world and good descriptions. I would like to call them something besides wolf though, as they were more human like. When you call them wolves I just picture regular old four legged dogs. I could really see this story in the creepy horror genre. Wish it had a ended more solid ending.

Ashes- Fluency
I don’t normally read romance type stuff, but I liked this and thought it was well written. The head hopping actually didn’t bother me and its a hard thing to write correctly. It had a nice ending. I liked the cat and openness of the characters. My critique would be that I thought Ann's speech wasn’t quite in character toward the end.

Cyan- "Furry Terrors of the Pacific Northwest": an alternate angle
This was short and funny that read very smoothly as a 'letter to the editor’ newspaper exert. I liked it.

Nezumi- Willow
I enjoyed reading this and finding out what happened. I thought it left off without a true ending, as I was wondering who the second person was. Maybe I missed something. I liked the concept and thought it had good pacing.

 

[Cowlick]

Quick-sticks feedback for my top picks:

1. Tangent - Slow Accultration. Cute and funny. I really enjoyed the mental image of the turtle beaming in its coat of moss. It's a rather intelligent turtle, though -- it knows what species it is and it knows what humans are. Perhaps a more consistent voice/perspective could have been gained with a limited sphere of awareness ("those big pink animals with no shell") and to further convey our character's POV.

2. Mike M - Felinus Domesticus. What can I say, I'm a softie. Heart strings well pulled, Mike. Unless you made the whole thing up. In which case, heart strings well pulled you utter bastard.

3. Frexifox - The Circus. A nice twist on the animal/owner dynamic, and a good exploration of its impact. I get a good sense of substance in the world you’ve created here, no small feat considering the word count.

HM: Kaleesto - The Morality of Harold Schutes. A clever idea, but for me the story begins when Harold is at Manatee Drive, and not the scene with Joe. Perhaps the walk to the door could have been filled in with Harold remembering the backstory of getting the assignment. (Or even summed up as simply as "All he'd been given was a name".)

 

[Keleesto]

Quick-sticks feedback for my top picks:

1. Tangent - Slow Accultration. Cute and funny. I really enjoyed the mental image of the turtle beaming in its coat of moss. It's a rather intelligent turtle, though -- it knows what species it is and it knows what humans are. Perhaps a more consistent voice/perspective could have been gained with a limited sphere of awareness ("those big pink animals with no shell") and to further convey our character's POV.

2. Mike M - Felinus Domesticus. What can I say, I'm a softie. Heart strings well pulled, Mike. Unless you made the whole thing up. In which case, heart strings well pulled you utter bastard.

3. Frexifox - The Circus. A nice twist on the animal/owner dynamic, and a good exploration of its impact. I get a good sense of substance in the world you’ve created here, no small feat considering the word count.

HM: Kaleesto - The Morality of Harold Schutes. A clever idea, but for me the story begins when Harold is at Manatee Drive, and not the scene with Joe. Perhaps the walk to the door could have been filled in with Harold remembering the backstory of getting the assignment. (Or even summed up as simply as "All he'd been given was a name".)

That's a good point, Cowlick. I was trying to solidify the character and start at what I was thinking was the inciting incident. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Tangent]

Votes:
1. Mike M
2. Frexifox
3. Chainsawkitten

Sorry, no feedback this time....

 

[Mike M]

Cathy's votes:

1.) frekifox7
2.) K C Denton
3.) Mike M
HM: Cyan

 

[KC Denton]

My votes:
1. Frexifox
2. Tangent
3. Mike M

 

[frekifox7]

1. Nezumi
2. Cathy
3. Cowlick

 

[Freeza Under The Shower]

Jintor – Underfoot: I had to look up “beyond the pale” and found it associated with jurisdiction, which is probably a bit too strong. I’m not a native speaker so I wouldn’t know if it’s become less strict recently or something. Reaching “she tapped one claw against…” I’m suddenly wondering whether she has two or just one. Also, which hand? Ending is a little ‘that b****’ though.

Cowlick – Hobocoat: same as before

Belmonkey –In her shoes: You may want exchange ‘depressed’ with ‘fatigued’. The reason is that despite people using it as such, depression is a long-term state of feelings, not something that would be used in a temporary construct (= sentence that applies to present and nothing more). More to the point, the action (and the effort that is implied) does not suit that term. “Jess slid over..” Curious effect of using anthropomorphic animals: verbs are also connected by ‘animal’ association. So when you say ‘slid’, I think ‘(like a) snake’. “…really identifies..” > shouldn’t that be past tense? He <> she: I would urge you to be consistent on using ‘he’ for a character previously established as male, since the change isn’t warranted that quickly from a reader perspective. Now it looks like Jess is walking, and Drew being a mental passenger, despite performing the action himself. Note that this has nothing to do with gender politics, just reading clarity.

Tangent – Slow acculturation: Bobcat. BANANAS

Chainsawkitten – charmeleides: or you could just throw paint everywhere. Slightly hard to wrap your head around the lack of reading signs though. I’ve never read my classics, so… yeah.

Cathy – Half-Life: They want to be Freeman? Forget about Freeman! This was nice though.

Cap N – Felinus Domesticus: What is this salty discharge?

Kaleesto – The morality of Harold Schutes: awww.

Freiza – Reptilian: I had the idea to use someone with the Capgras delusion (which is a genuinely terrifying condition, imo. ) but this is meh. Meh.

Haly – Red Crane of the Karst: skipping it for now, probably reading it later or tomorrow.

Ward – Homerun and Nails in a smashing good time: okay, had fun with that.

Frexifox – the circus: I wasn’t really clear on what she and him look like, so I had no imagine until the h-word.

FlowersisBritisch – Yiff harder: “honey, you’re dad…” persistent in leaving that one flaw?

KCDenton – Out for a walk: “Alex grinned as Keira…” Oh, so Keira is the protagonist? I thought it was Alex, due to being named first. And then it is later on? In general, you should pick one point of view and stick with to avoid confusion. Oooh, detective vision magic. Neat. So basically: Nice setup, but work on improving point of view.

Ashes- Fluency: “there of her self with Ashley” > herself. Herself is the self-reference term, her self would be her pointing to her abstract understanding of having a self. I suppose internet sites will claim that it doesn’t matter, but that’s how I read that. The sudden introduction of ‘Ann thought’ is also weird because that would make her the protagonist of that scene where it was pretty clear that was Amelia. Other than that this was nice.

Cyan : Still calling it a hoax.

Nezumi- Willow: probably the fastest read, and setting up a fairy tale has its own benefits. But I’m sure I find the killing angle very compelling. There is no direct connection as to why that ending happens the way it does, unless I’m missing something.

Votes:

1. Cowlick - hobocoat
2. Mike M - cat
3. Chainsawkitten – charmeleides

 

[Cyan]

Votes:
1. Ashes- Fluency
2. Cowlick- Hobocoat
3. Keleesto- The morality of Harold Schutes
HM - Frekifox

 

[Nezumi]

The voting has closed!


1.) Mike M - Felinus Domesticus
2.) frekifox7 - The Cirucs
2.) Chainsawkitten - charmeleides


Votecount:

Mike M - 12 (2)
frekifox7 - 9 (2)
Chainsawkitten - 9 (1)
Tangent - 7 (1)
Nezumi - 6 (2)
Cowlick - 6 (1)
Ashes - 5 (1)
Cathy - 5 (1)
Keleesto - 4
KC Denton - 2

Interesting spread of votes this week. But in the end cats rule the internet again, so now we all have to wait and fear which cruel fate Mike has in store for us this time.

Spoiler

Congratulation Mike!

 

[Mike M]

Feedback!

Jintor: I think the aspect that was the most responsible for taking me out of this one was when Emily comes in and reflects on how her friend constantly talked about dogs. I never got that feeling about the main character, especially since she seems to spend a good portion of her time speculating on whether or not she was in fact part werewolf or something. I would expect that if Emily felt that she were so obsessed with dogs that she would be better off as a dog that there would be some sort of thought train about how much she loved dogs or whatever. Also, the idea that this is a “gift” from Emily seemed a little bit creepy and unnerving to me. Maybe the main character loves dogs so much that she wouldn’t mind, but what about her parents? If I came home and someone had turned my daughter into a duck, I’d be more than a little upset, no matter how much she loves ducks. I think my favorite aspect was how you managed to convey everything we needed to form a fairly complete conception of Emily into a relatively small amount of space. Nice work there.

Cowlick: Maybe I’m just ignorant of the proper parlance due to my seething pathological hatred of Twitter, but isn’t “Hastag #hobocoat” kind of like saying “PIN number” or “ATM machine?” I don’t care much for what passes for hashtag culture and have even less an interest in fashion, but I enjoyed seeing the interconnectedness of events and how it led to Summer getting her comeuppance. The only problem for me is that it wasn’t immediately clear that Summer was the one who threw the paint on Gloria’s coat in the first place, but that owed to the initial description of her not registering with me beyond the purple tank top and skeletal physique. The description of the piercings and the dreadlocks were there, I just missed it somehow at first reading. I do think that Summer’s ultimate fate is a punishment that doesn’t fit the crime, though. She deserved something, sure, but probably not that. Not without there being some sort of plan to escalate her protests to violence or something.

Belmonkey: Your greatest sin is head-hopping and lack of scene breaks. We start with Drew, but then we jump to Jess within the same scene. Then we’re back with Drew in a new scene in the subsequent paragraph. This was a process that repeated itself throughout, which hurt the focus of your narrative. I’m not sure if I thought the actual content and subject matter was harmless wish fulfillment stuff, or if it made light of legitimate sexual and gender identity issues. I’ve always had the impression that the Venn diagram of furry and such communities featured a lot of overlapping space, but I can’t help but wonder if a story where there’s magical swapping of genders (potentially on a permanent basis) and a willing sexual partner who is accepting no matter the gender of their counterpart isn’t making light of the actual struggles of GSM in society. It’s too far out of my own experience for me to be able to gauge. Also, how do animals’ faces go red when they’re covered in fur? #PedanticZoologist #AwareOfTheIronyOfUsingHastagsAfterSayingHowMuchHeHatesTwitter

Tangent: I would tell my kid to leave it alone because chasing animals just isn’t cool to begin with : P Also, it reminds me of this heartbreaking news story where some kid donated his turtle to the zoo only to watch the alligator it shared the enclosure with eat it : ( It was a cute little story of a turtle’s quest for acceptance, but I have to say that I’m pretty sure that turtles rank in the upper echelons of “acceptable” reptiles. I don’t know anyone who hates turtles, man. Turtles are awesome. Which made it strange that people would scream and run in terror of a turtle that had a little carpet of moss on its shell. I share the turtle’s sentiment at the end, do they really think it’s going to chase them down somehow? It’s a goddamned turtle. Even if they were really booking, you can out walk one easily. Hence, I have to assume that this story takes place on a parallel earth where all the people are terminally stupid.

Chainsawkitten: Oh my, this could be entirely too clever for its own good. Supremely well done, goes on exactly as long as it needs to before the gag wears itself out.

Cathy: The ellipses! The ellipses drive me to madness! Technical issues aside, I don’t think there’s a lot more for me to tell you about this one that we didn’t already go over before. It’s an improvement over the previous draft and a sizable improvement over the first draft you shared. I think that the world building and back story could maaaaaybe be worked in a little more gracefully, but it would be difficult to show it through character actions and dialog when your word count is as limited as it is. If you have any plans on expanding on this world or what have you, I have some unsolicited thoughts regarding the pantheon of gods if you’d like me to share them next time.

Mike M: It’s kind of unusual to see commentary on entries outside of the feedback write ups… This was really hard for me to write, but not for the reasons you may be thinking. In fact, I maaaaaaaay have emotionally manipulated you just a little bit. Everything about this story is true except for the fact that Mama Kitty is alive and fine. The story was only mostly true, remember? I was actually going to include a note to that effect after the picture, but tonally it didn’t work out. Even still, spending a week revising a story where I find her gone just made me dwell on the mortality of our pets and how we only love them so much because we know they won’t be with us forever, and was really rough on me. It’s just not fun to think about finding a beloved pet deceased, and apparently it’s not that fun to write about, either. I love my cat, man. She’s a big, non-pooping sweetheart, and I hate thinking about anything bad happening to her. Please don’t lynch me, the ladies from my writing group have already been calling me a bastard all week.

Keleesto: You addressed all the comments from last Tuesday and tied an ending onto it, yaaaaaaaay. If I had to pick nits, it would be that the actual murdering passes by rather quickly, I’m pretty sure it takes a lot longer than the time it takes to say maybe 20 words to strangle someone to death. Granted your notes for the ending were fragmented, but I initially came away with the impression that the death was going to happen off page and it was just going to jump straight to Harold digging a hole or something. The best scene in No Country For Old Men was, for me, when the confrontation between Chigurh and Carla Jean cut to Chigurh walking out the front door and checking the bottom of his shoes. Sometimes we just don’t need to see everything on page : )

Freeza Under The Shower: I feel like I’m on the cusp of figuring out what’s happening here, but I can’t quite close the distance. It seems like the experience of livestock at a factory farm? Or something? Something about reptiles?

Haly: My, what a large entry you have, grandma. I swear we had something similar to this a few months ago about someone of Asian descent flying back with their family to attend the funeral of a grandparent... Of course this took a completely different turn halfway through. If you were looking for anything to cut, you could honestly have lopped off huge, sweeping portions of the setup for how he came to find himself trying to find a resting place for his grandfather’s ashes. I dare say you could have probably condensed that into maybe a paragraph or so. You have a good grasp of language, but there was nothing going on during that stretch that I thought added anything of worth to the story. There wasn’t any real characterization to speak of (indeed, all of the immediate and extended family were interchangeable or barely present at all), and while you had some good descriptions, they seemed wasted on settings that ultimately didn’t have much if anything to do with the meat of the story.

Ward: Honestly I thought the whole “radiation and/or toxic waste mutating animals into human forms” had played itself out in the 90’s. Well, I guess it’s kind of the central focus of the evergreen Ninja Turtle franchise, so maybe not. I read the backs of some of those action figures’ cards, and that shit is terrifying. “So and so was just a normal person until they were forcibly transformed into a horrible malformed monstrosity! And now they fight the Turtles! Or maybe they’re on their side!” Shit would give me nightmares if I were a kid.

frekifox7: I see you were able to find a solution to the lack of ending dilemma : ) While the inclusion of the Ringmaster was justified, I wasn’t a fan of the notion that he had bone wings coming out of his back. Sure, that shit looks cool visually, but when I read that on page I’m left thinking “what is the functional purpose of having skeletal wings?” Would you more frightened of something that has wing bones coming out their back? Wouldn’t they have trouble getting through doors with extraneous limbs that don’t seem to be good for anything? These are the questions that keep me awake at night…

FlowersisBritish: Alright, putting aside that if the sun were in its red supergiant phase approaching supernova it would have expanded its diameter to scorch the surface of the Earth to cinder (if not envelop it entirely), what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?

K C Denton: The notion of werewolves using magic and infighting among their clans immediately gave me vibes of Werewolf: The Apocalypse. Everything after that seemed kind of… I don’t know. Something that I’d probably enjoy seeing on screen or in a comic than reading. I want to say it seemed “video gamey,” but I don’t think it really did. I think it’s more that the Mangled made me think of the Centaurs from Fallout and the scavenging for supplies in the ruins of a relatively recent apocalypse called to mind The Last of Us. The idea that it was the modern world where lycanthropy and magic are apparently viewed as almost commonplace seems underdeveloped to me. If we were to take those things as given, then the entire history of humanity would have proceeded down a very different path and generated a world very different than our own. That’s the trick of world building, even a single little change can be a loose thread that leads to everything unraveling if you pull on it : )

Ashes: Blah blah blah, character study, blah blah blah, you already know everything I tell you every week. I will say, however, that Ann was one of my favorite characters you’ve ever come up with. Her voice was a standout for me that instantly gave me a perfect vision of the sort of woman we were dealing with. The fact that she really does talk like she came out of a book in the modern age instantly sets her apart from everyone else I’ve seen come from you.

Cyan: Heh, reminds me of that one I wrote that was the editorial by the gremlin “working” at Boeing. I don’t think the letter and the editor’s note worked on their own for me, not without seeing the article disparaging the cryptids that prompted the response in the first place. I mean, I can kind of guess the details from context, but working with the premise that sasquatch exists in the world and writes letters to the editor seems squandered on this.

Nezumi: Wow, that first part is sooooooooooooo good. If you just came up with that on the fly and aren’t only retelling some local folklore tale, it was pretty much perfect. The narrator’s voice, the structure and tropes of the fairy tale, absolutely nailed. You could have easily just wrapped up the story there, and it’d have been great. The second part with the highwayman getting his deserved fate wasn’t quite as good for me, though. The first part was just such a direct hit for me that the remainder almost felt bolted on. Can’t help but wonder if maybe the highwayman’s portion of the story would be better if it were directly incorporated into the old man’s tale (and just leave that as the voice of the narrator). It kiiiiiinda breaks the fairy tale rule of things happening in threes, but I guess maybe if you count the first part of the willow story it works.

New thread in maybe an hour.

 

[Nezumi]

Mike M:This was really hard for me to write, but not for the reasons you may be thinking. In fact, I maaaaaaaay have emotionally manipulated you just a little bit. Everything about this story is true except for the fact that Mama Kitty is alive and fine.

I KNEW IT!
Which is exactly why I didn't give you any points you dirty manipulative cheat

 

[Mike M]

I KNEW IT! Which is exactly why I didn't give you any points you dirty manipulative cheat

Honestly I thought I had the cat vote locked up with you : P

 

[Nezumi]

Honestly I thought I had the cat vote locked up with you : P

You'd think so, wouldn't you And to be fair, I liked your story quite a bit but I thought topping it of with the pet dying was just a little bit too much.

 

[Mike M]

Take out all your hatred on me in the new thread.

 

[Tangent]

Tangent – Slow acculturation: Bobcat. BANANAS

Tangent: I would tell my kid to leave it alone because chasing animals just isn’t cool to begin with : P Also, it reminds me of this heartbreaking news story where some kid donated his turtle to the zoo only to watch the alligator it shared the enclosure with eat it : ( It was a cute little story of a turtle’s quest for acceptance, but I have to say that I’m pretty sure that turtles rank in the upper echelons of “acceptable” reptiles. I don’t know anyone who hates turtles, man. Turtles are awesome. Which made it strange that people would scream and run in terror of a turtle that had a little carpet of moss on its shell. I share the turtle’s sentiment at the end, do they really think it’s going to chase them down somehow? It’s a goddamned turtle. Even if they were really booking, you can out walk one easily. Hence, I have to assume that this story takes place on a parallel earth where all the people are terminally stupid.

These made me LOLFR out loud for a while. You guys are awesome. (Mike M, I take it that your electricity returned. Woo hoo!)