Ward: Im almost certain that this is not how my college crush went.
Cowlick: What the shit, is everyone just writing made up stories about me this week? I liked the premise at the core of this, but I think it over extended in a few directions that made it lose focus and introduced too much extraneous information. The useless left arm, for instance, felt like it came out of nowhere. Yes, he opened the door with his good hand, but my first thoughts with that arent that hes lost the entire use of his other arm. Everything with Madeline was surplus to requirements, it only introduced elements that turned it from a neat and tidy self-contained scene to a pile of loose ends.
Mike M: Turned out alright for a stand alone chase scene. The whole inherited name thing is probably a head scratcher for some people, but Val(gar) Fierno was my first and frankly favorite DnD character (even if I ripped off huge swaths of the Lies of Locke Lemora to make him), and I there was a lot of complicated headcanon to try and cram into a relatively short period of time. Valor was someone who was mentioned in passing as being Valgars father over the course of the campaign where I played him and never really had anything going for him beyond that, so I took him for a test drive.
Blasian Persuasion: You examine the innards with a dissecting probe, not a scalpel : P I think what bothered me the most about this was that we kept seeing one of the main characters being called the burly man right until the end when the cop drops his name. If he has a name, use it. If he doesnt have a name, give him one. The [adjective] [gender identifier] isnt readable over the long haul. Also, I was ultimately confused as to what was going on in the end. The dirty girl seemed to just muddy the waters further, and makes it difficult to connect the dots.
FlowersisBritish: I seem to recall rather liking the original story, though I had quibbles that the fairy tale construction was done so well that it made the deviations stand out more. At least thats how I remember it. I suppose I could go back and look, but ehhhhhh This one seemed a little more Secret of Nimh or Watership Down than a fairy tale. Nothing wrong with portraying the life and death of animals in all the horrible details, but the marked departure from the tone of the first story stood out. I will say I loved everything about the witch; the nest-lair, the skull over her face, her complete no-nonsense attitude. I liked her in the first story too, but she definitely stood out here. I think what I like about her the most is that she doesnt seem particularly evil. Udd was a bit of a dick with his grudges and cursing, and while the witch arguably played him dirty to usurp his power, she doesnt exactly seem to be abusing it. Shes more chaotic neutral than anything.
frekifox7: Madam Vile is a name thats a bit on the nose, but theres a lot of other good stuff going on here. I was especially fond of the detail where the healing hair was kept in a cage and the physical descriptions of the players involved were interesting and mostly did not fall into the usual fantasy creature archetypes of elves and dwarves and shit (You know, like my entry. Oh, I didnt mention them, but they were there.). Madam Vile being an evil spider lady probably came the closest (see Lolth, Quelaag, arachne, etc.), but even then I think you were largely successful in differentiating her from the trope. Also liked how much of the MCs culture we were able to glimpse from a few short mentions of his home life prior to being captured. Just All around solid stuff.
Cathy: Glad to see you took my nitpickiness to heart. Not that I wouldnt still pick nits with what you revised it too, but its in better shape than it was initially : ) The whole thing reminds me of an episode of The Outer Limits. So much so that I really want to say that this is the premise of an episode of The Outer Limits, but its definitely not one that I saw. Also, the title is still a really unfortunate selection in light of the direction conversation went on Tuesday. Heh heh.
Tangent: Oooh, I miss Santa Barbara. That town was a revelation after having grown up in the central valley. Technically I think most of the properties that could be qualified as estates were actually in Montecito, but no ones going to fault you for that. Except me. I would fault you for that. At first IOH MY FUCK, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. Oh well played, well-fucking played. The punchline/reveal could have stood to be a little closer to the end to drag out the shaggy dog joke that much longer. Really enjoyed the callback to what this was supposed to tie into, it was so unexpected and out of the blue that I found it hilarious enough to outshine the rest of the story for me.
Shannon: Church is by definition used in the context of Christianity (and arguably so is cathedral and devil), so Thgil Church threw me. Yes, there are other things in the world that use the word Church without actually being associated with Christianity (i.e. Church of Scientology), but they exist in a world where Christianity exists and I can understand the word having been coopted for their own purposes. Less so in a fantasy setting. Yes, the godhost stuff is different, but the borrowing of terms are largely associated with a particular religion that doesnt exist in the story takes me out of the experience. Nitpicky pedantry over word choices aside, I think my biggest question is how did Darien overpower the (presumably) armed guard? I know you were hurting for words, and maybe it was in the portion you excised, but that seems like something that should at least be mentioned in passing.
Cyan: I recently heard that one shouldnt start a story with a name or dialogue. Fuck that. I liked the Open Source Magic story from way back when, but I seem to remember that it was one of those ones with the particularly brutal word count and you had chop it to the bare minimum. While it was nice to get a better idea of how the world works (as previous entries might have indicated, Im a fan of the magic exists but is highly regulated so the world is not too different from ours, rationale), the fly in the ointment for me was the idea that the Association of Licensed Magicians would have any sort of law-enforcement authority or anything. That would seem to make it a government body or some sort rather than well, an association of professionals. If they *are* a government organization, they would need a more governmenty-sounding name (Bureau of Magic, Arcanum, and Firearms or something). If theyre not Well, in that case I think youd have to go back to premise on that one. Itd be like if the RIAA had the power to make arrests.
Ashes: Is bro really a thing that people across the pond use? I always thought that was more of an Americanism. Short piece, but you captured the character voice wonderfully.
This was really freaking hard this week.
1. frekifox7
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
Cowlick: What the shit, is everyone just writing made up stories about me this week? I liked the premise at the core of this, but I think it over extended in a few directions that made it lose focus and introduced too much extraneous information. The useless left arm, for instance, felt like it came out of nowhere. Yes, he opened the door with his good hand, but my first thoughts with that arent that hes lost the entire use of his other arm. Everything with Madeline was surplus to requirements, it only introduced elements that turned it from a neat and tidy self-contained scene to a pile of loose ends.
Mike M: Turned out alright for a stand alone chase scene. The whole inherited name thing is probably a head scratcher for some people, but Val(gar) Fierno was my first and frankly favorite DnD character (even if I ripped off huge swaths of the Lies of Locke Lemora to make him), and I there was a lot of complicated headcanon to try and cram into a relatively short period of time. Valor was someone who was mentioned in passing as being Valgars father over the course of the campaign where I played him and never really had anything going for him beyond that, so I took him for a test drive.
Blasian Persuasion: You examine the innards with a dissecting probe, not a scalpel : P I think what bothered me the most about this was that we kept seeing one of the main characters being called the burly man right until the end when the cop drops his name. If he has a name, use it. If he doesnt have a name, give him one. The [adjective] [gender identifier] isnt readable over the long haul. Also, I was ultimately confused as to what was going on in the end. The dirty girl seemed to just muddy the waters further, and makes it difficult to connect the dots.
FlowersisBritish: I seem to recall rather liking the original story, though I had quibbles that the fairy tale construction was done so well that it made the deviations stand out more. At least thats how I remember it. I suppose I could go back and look, but ehhhhhh This one seemed a little more Secret of Nimh or Watership Down than a fairy tale. Nothing wrong with portraying the life and death of animals in all the horrible details, but the marked departure from the tone of the first story stood out. I will say I loved everything about the witch; the nest-lair, the skull over her face, her complete no-nonsense attitude. I liked her in the first story too, but she definitely stood out here. I think what I like about her the most is that she doesnt seem particularly evil. Udd was a bit of a dick with his grudges and cursing, and while the witch arguably played him dirty to usurp his power, she doesnt exactly seem to be abusing it. Shes more chaotic neutral than anything.
frekifox7: Madam Vile is a name thats a bit on the nose, but theres a lot of other good stuff going on here. I was especially fond of the detail where the healing hair was kept in a cage and the physical descriptions of the players involved were interesting and mostly did not fall into the usual fantasy creature archetypes of elves and dwarves and shit (You know, like my entry. Oh, I didnt mention them, but they were there.). Madam Vile being an evil spider lady probably came the closest (see Lolth, Quelaag, arachne, etc.), but even then I think you were largely successful in differentiating her from the trope. Also liked how much of the MCs culture we were able to glimpse from a few short mentions of his home life prior to being captured. Just All around solid stuff.
Cathy: Glad to see you took my nitpickiness to heart. Not that I wouldnt still pick nits with what you revised it too, but its in better shape than it was initially : ) The whole thing reminds me of an episode of The Outer Limits. So much so that I really want to say that this is the premise of an episode of The Outer Limits, but its definitely not one that I saw. Also, the title is still a really unfortunate selection in light of the direction conversation went on Tuesday. Heh heh.
Tangent: Oooh, I miss Santa Barbara. That town was a revelation after having grown up in the central valley. Technically I think most of the properties that could be qualified as estates were actually in Montecito, but no ones going to fault you for that. Except me. I would fault you for that. At first IOH MY FUCK, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. Oh well played, well-fucking played. The punchline/reveal could have stood to be a little closer to the end to drag out the shaggy dog joke that much longer. Really enjoyed the callback to what this was supposed to tie into, it was so unexpected and out of the blue that I found it hilarious enough to outshine the rest of the story for me.
Shannon: Church is by definition used in the context of Christianity (and arguably so is cathedral and devil), so Thgil Church threw me. Yes, there are other things in the world that use the word Church without actually being associated with Christianity (i.e. Church of Scientology), but they exist in a world where Christianity exists and I can understand the word having been coopted for their own purposes. Less so in a fantasy setting. Yes, the godhost stuff is different, but the borrowing of terms are largely associated with a particular religion that doesnt exist in the story takes me out of the experience. Nitpicky pedantry over word choices aside, I think my biggest question is how did Darien overpower the (presumably) armed guard? I know you were hurting for words, and maybe it was in the portion you excised, but that seems like something that should at least be mentioned in passing.
Cyan: I recently heard that one shouldnt start a story with a name or dialogue. Fuck that. I liked the Open Source Magic story from way back when, but I seem to remember that it was one of those ones with the particularly brutal word count and you had chop it to the bare minimum. While it was nice to get a better idea of how the world works (as previous entries might have indicated, Im a fan of the magic exists but is highly regulated so the world is not too different from ours, rationale), the fly in the ointment for me was the idea that the Association of Licensed Magicians would have any sort of law-enforcement authority or anything. That would seem to make it a government body or some sort rather than well, an association of professionals. If they *are* a government organization, they would need a more governmenty-sounding name (Bureau of Magic, Arcanum, and Firearms or something). If theyre not Well, in that case I think youd have to go back to premise on that one. Itd be like if the RIAA had the power to make arrests.
Ashes: Is bro really a thing that people across the pond use? I always thought that was more of an Americanism. Short piece, but you captured the character voice wonderfully.
This was really freaking hard this week.
1. frekifox7
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
