Cyan's gone, and everything is falling to pieces!
Here you go sista from another mother:
The Third Son
Post your link when you get home.
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #175 - "The Gift"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Cyan's gone, and everything is falling to pieces!
Here you go sista from another mother:
The Third Son
Post your link when you get home.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Aren't you all lucky my new job forces me to be awake for this.
Our gifted entrants/hohoho
Cyan- The Hurrartian King Sits his Throne
FlowersisBritish- The Witch's Flower
Mike M- Harold Ehrich Advises Walter Geist On Some Of The Areas Of His Expertise
Cathy- Treasure Hunt
Shannon- Part 2
Ward- Sitting on a Rocker at the End of the Day
Frekifox7- Lost Memories
Tangent- The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Tomasgono- Thrice
Ashes- love, or the lack of it.
John Dunbar- The Last of the Tap Dancing Martians
Nezumi- The third Son
Also fuck everyone for their long ass titles this time around.
Our gifted entrants/hohoho
Cyan- The Hurrartian King Sits his Throne
FlowersisBritish- The Witch's Flower
Mike M- Harold Ehrich Advises Walter Geist On Some Of The Areas Of His Expertise
Cathy- Treasure Hunt
Shannon- Part 2
Ward- Sitting on a Rocker at the End of the Day
Frekifox7- Lost Memories
Tangent- The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Tomasgono- Thrice
Ashes- love, or the lack of it.
John Dunbar- The Last of the Tap Dancing Martians
Nezumi- The third Son
Also fuck everyone for their long ass titles this time around.
Seriously, what's up with that this week?
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Aight, let's get this show on the road.
Cyan- You know what's great about unreliable narrators? Slowly coming to the realization they're unreliable. I really loved the repeated "still have my wits about me" but i really wished that bit went somewhere meaningful. Felt like you were going to but nothing came of it ultimately. You do a lot of great world building between the lines, enough to make me interested in this kingdoms history. The stoking the fire metaphor is great. Some character things don't make sense to me though, Hale for one. He's the kings right hand man(I'm assuming he's there to do the dark stuff you can't talk about at diner) and he seems to hold the previous king(who was so far back he shouldn't have met) in higher regard than the current king? At least that's how it came off to me.
Flowers- Still giving these a try. The first draft of this ended at about 2500 words, so I had to trim a lot of fat, which had plus and minus. Plus, was less fat, minus was I didn't have a lot of room to smooth out the many rough edges I found on a reread. Lots of repeat words and phrases. I remember this being a problem I had with the last one too, so definitely got to work on that for the next story. Despite the jagged bits, I was really happy with a lot of elements within this, specifically the flower scene. My biggest downfall though was writing so late, than editing the day after. Too close to see a lot of technical errors.
Mike M- Your introduction, with its world elements(like Walter being a 'necromancer') feels a little rough. It works, but I can see the seams. The setting you paint of magic really well intermeshed with our own is great. You make the magic such an interesting everyday thing I wished there were more interesting elements within the world too. The big one, I wished a lot of the side characters had more interesting designs beside; blonde, redhead, dark hair. Walter is great in this regard, because at least he's covered in tattoos. Though does he need to be in "mortal peril?" I feel like this cliche makes him a little less interesting to me, even if the mechanic behind the peril isn't cliched. There are too many "x said" in your dialogue. You never have them in bad spots, but you could benefit going easy on them a bit( for example "'Hi, I'm Walter' Walter said.") Mix feelings of real world references in here, they work, but i just like detachment from magical realism world's is all. Anyway, really fun setting, but by god shorten your fucking title. Long titles can be great if they help lead into a good joke, but it doesn't do that here.
Cathy- There are a lot of great environmental details through out this. You give me a really good sense of the surroundings and where the characters are going, rarely do I not know "where" they are. Your dialogue like wise caries a very natural and casual jokingness appropriate to brothers. What really made me like this though was the really cute twist! I saw the general outline coming It was the brother leading clues all along but the end goal was a great surprise. It leaves the story with a really cozy feel I'm about to knitpick. I feel like them escalating to hand holding, just moments after this is a little much, in general, their date felt like it just escalated rocket at that end.
Shanon- This is very focused on the relationship of the brothers, and honestly I don't care about either of them. I see everything that's about to happen because i've seen it happen tons of times before in other stories. There's nothing really interesting about their relationship to make me care about their ultimate fates. You know who i do care about? Krad. I like the dynamic where he antagonizes Allen a hell of a lot more. In fact, i wished he was poking more at Allen as he watched his brother get reckt. The action is good, but i wonder why the guards actually thought they could walk past Darien? At part 2, I find myself really wishing you brought more of the interesting elements of the story to the for front, like the clergy and their magic, and the idea of soulholders.
Ward- I don't know the purpose of their journey? Is it to hunt? The first third really didn't tell me, and by the end it's been weeks. Do people really go out hunting super far in the woods for weeks? The dialogue here is good, but I really wish there was more quiet moments of the forest. There were some nice ones, but not enough. Without them this feels more like two dudes talking, rather than two dudes talking in the woods. Your ending feels really really quick for all this build up. The surprise of bigfoot is neat, and i especially like the idea of killing him at the end, but wished lingered here more.
Frekifox7- I'm gonna waste some space and mention a thing you might've noticed about your stories already. They tend to all play out very similarly, at least in terms of relationship dynamics(which are always present); haunted man meets woman and she offers him some sort of emotional release. Not saying this is bad, but as far as I've seen they've been in a lot of your stories so far, and as a result they've been kinda making them feel a little samey. Sometimes you remix this, sometimes not. This feels a little remixed, but not enough for me. This isn't the biggest problem, your prose is still amazing and a delight to read. Pacing could use some work though, the beginning feels too fast paced, from illusions to dialogue to illusions. I would have liked some room to breathe in the first half, but it does even out a bit in the second. This did win me over though with a lot of interesting elements; the visions are all ghastly, and I think the idea of the sister having munchausen by proxy is a great dynamic I would love to see explored.
Tangent- I love that beginning paragraph, it is amazing to me. It's kind of weird and subversive, giving focus to Sydney at the end of it. I'm actually kind of disappointed she wasn't more in the story. She's just kind of tertiary. It also said Daniel was confident, but later on he is having all the usual teenage doubts of "uh, are we flirting or talking?" I also really love the meat of the story, with the bear being regifted and all the changing perspectives. It coming back to Daniel is a great way to end off the story. I think the plot of how the bear is shifted gets a little confusing around Olivia. Also, I would love if you'd lingered a bit more on these other characters, just would have liked to see a bit more of all their lives.
Tomasgono- There is a lot of style here in the narration, but honestly it feels kind of overbearing. It's tough to tell what's actually happening through all the crazy. Not to say there isn't a bunch of good bits with that style. I really liked the "tickets to the You theater" bit, but I think the whole thing could have definitely been trimmed down. Also, I find myself wondering how a guy so deep in religious crazy(than later not religious crazy) could ever hold down a job? I guess he didn't at the end? Also, consider naming your character. A good friend gave me great advice how there is no excuse for a character to not have a name.
Ashes- Your dialogue (second and third line of page 2) got confusing to follow for me. Not dialogue cues, but atleast "" or tabs, or some other kind of formatting. The problem also kind of persists in the later bit of dialogue, but you give enough personality through the dialogue that it helps a bunch. Either way, I really do like the style through out this entire piece, begins greatly personal, and you have so many great little bits through out, "Indian." Though one thing, it begins with Ashley being the personal one, telling the reader in casual philosophy, but then later it's Mary saying all the casual philosophy. That cause part of the confusion in that bit.
John Dunbar- I love the roll of the Martians in this. It's wholly unexpected that they would be weird pets, and in the end the last one would be kept in a zoo. It's a neat angle, and you give the Martain's enough weird attributes I can totally see things play out this way. Through out, your writing feels very fun, and even though i saw that sad ending coming, it still hit me hard because you gave Marty some fun bits. I love his dancing, it was a great detail, and it was the kicker in that gut punch .
Nezumi- this is the great framework for a creation myth. It starts really interesting, and I really wanted to see how it would play out. I really wished this was expanded upon, because there were a lot of really interesting things at play, for example, I would have loved to get a better understanding of what Liku's creation was( I assume people, but still would have liked to seen.) The edge of nothingness is great, and i wished the other elements got as much focus. This feels like a myth, and all myths end with either a moral or explanation of a world thing. This didn't really have either. It just kind of ends with the first two brothers going "fuck you!" "No fuck you!" and the third slinking off. I didn't see how the first two gifts would cause Liku's creation to destroy both, and I didn't see the tragedy of the third leaving without giving advice because I didn't see any scene where his advice helped his brothers. Would love to see this expanded upon though.
Now the votings
1. John Dunbar
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
Cyan- You know what's great about unreliable narrators? Slowly coming to the realization they're unreliable. I really loved the repeated "still have my wits about me" but i really wished that bit went somewhere meaningful. Felt like you were going to but nothing came of it ultimately. You do a lot of great world building between the lines, enough to make me interested in this kingdoms history. The stoking the fire metaphor is great. Some character things don't make sense to me though, Hale for one. He's the kings right hand man(I'm assuming he's there to do the dark stuff you can't talk about at diner) and he seems to hold the previous king(who was so far back he shouldn't have met) in higher regard than the current king? At least that's how it came off to me.
Flowers- Still giving these a try. The first draft of this ended at about 2500 words, so I had to trim a lot of fat, which had plus and minus. Plus, was less fat, minus was I didn't have a lot of room to smooth out the many rough edges I found on a reread. Lots of repeat words and phrases. I remember this being a problem I had with the last one too, so definitely got to work on that for the next story. Despite the jagged bits, I was really happy with a lot of elements within this, specifically the flower scene. My biggest downfall though was writing so late, than editing the day after. Too close to see a lot of technical errors.
Mike M- Your introduction, with its world elements(like Walter being a 'necromancer') feels a little rough. It works, but I can see the seams. The setting you paint of magic really well intermeshed with our own is great. You make the magic such an interesting everyday thing I wished there were more interesting elements within the world too. The big one, I wished a lot of the side characters had more interesting designs beside; blonde, redhead, dark hair. Walter is great in this regard, because at least he's covered in tattoos. Though does he need to be in "mortal peril?" I feel like this cliche makes him a little less interesting to me, even if the mechanic behind the peril isn't cliched. There are too many "x said" in your dialogue. You never have them in bad spots, but you could benefit going easy on them a bit( for example "'Hi, I'm Walter' Walter said.") Mix feelings of real world references in here, they work, but i just like detachment from magical realism world's is all. Anyway, really fun setting, but by god shorten your fucking title. Long titles can be great if they help lead into a good joke, but it doesn't do that here.
Cathy- There are a lot of great environmental details through out this. You give me a really good sense of the surroundings and where the characters are going, rarely do I not know "where" they are. Your dialogue like wise caries a very natural and casual jokingness appropriate to brothers. What really made me like this though was the really cute twist! I saw the general outline coming It was the brother leading clues all along but the end goal was a great surprise. It leaves the story with a really cozy feel I'm about to knitpick. I feel like them escalating to hand holding, just moments after this is a little much, in general, their date felt like it just escalated rocket at that end.
Shanon- This is very focused on the relationship of the brothers, and honestly I don't care about either of them. I see everything that's about to happen because i've seen it happen tons of times before in other stories. There's nothing really interesting about their relationship to make me care about their ultimate fates. You know who i do care about? Krad. I like the dynamic where he antagonizes Allen a hell of a lot more. In fact, i wished he was poking more at Allen as he watched his brother get reckt. The action is good, but i wonder why the guards actually thought they could walk past Darien? At part 2, I find myself really wishing you brought more of the interesting elements of the story to the for front, like the clergy and their magic, and the idea of soulholders.
Ward- I don't know the purpose of their journey? Is it to hunt? The first third really didn't tell me, and by the end it's been weeks. Do people really go out hunting super far in the woods for weeks? The dialogue here is good, but I really wish there was more quiet moments of the forest. There were some nice ones, but not enough. Without them this feels more like two dudes talking, rather than two dudes talking in the woods. Your ending feels really really quick for all this build up. The surprise of bigfoot is neat, and i especially like the idea of killing him at the end, but wished lingered here more.
Frekifox7- I'm gonna waste some space and mention a thing you might've noticed about your stories already. They tend to all play out very similarly, at least in terms of relationship dynamics(which are always present); haunted man meets woman and she offers him some sort of emotional release. Not saying this is bad, but as far as I've seen they've been in a lot of your stories so far, and as a result they've been kinda making them feel a little samey. Sometimes you remix this, sometimes not. This feels a little remixed, but not enough for me. This isn't the biggest problem, your prose is still amazing and a delight to read. Pacing could use some work though, the beginning feels too fast paced, from illusions to dialogue to illusions. I would have liked some room to breathe in the first half, but it does even out a bit in the second. This did win me over though with a lot of interesting elements; the visions are all ghastly, and I think the idea of the sister having munchausen by proxy is a great dynamic I would love to see explored.
Tangent- I love that beginning paragraph, it is amazing to me. It's kind of weird and subversive, giving focus to Sydney at the end of it. I'm actually kind of disappointed she wasn't more in the story. She's just kind of tertiary. It also said Daniel was confident, but later on he is having all the usual teenage doubts of "uh, are we flirting or talking?" I also really love the meat of the story, with the bear being regifted and all the changing perspectives. It coming back to Daniel is a great way to end off the story. I think the plot of how the bear is shifted gets a little confusing around Olivia. Also, I would love if you'd lingered a bit more on these other characters, just would have liked to see a bit more of all their lives.
Tomasgono- There is a lot of style here in the narration, but honestly it feels kind of overbearing. It's tough to tell what's actually happening through all the crazy. Not to say there isn't a bunch of good bits with that style. I really liked the "tickets to the You theater" bit, but I think the whole thing could have definitely been trimmed down. Also, I find myself wondering how a guy so deep in religious crazy(than later not religious crazy) could ever hold down a job? I guess he didn't at the end? Also, consider naming your character. A good friend gave me great advice how there is no excuse for a character to not have a name.
Ashes- Your dialogue (second and third line of page 2) got confusing to follow for me. Not dialogue cues, but atleast "" or tabs, or some other kind of formatting. The problem also kind of persists in the later bit of dialogue, but you give enough personality through the dialogue that it helps a bunch. Either way, I really do like the style through out this entire piece, begins greatly personal, and you have so many great little bits through out, "Indian." Though one thing, it begins with Ashley being the personal one, telling the reader in casual philosophy, but then later it's Mary saying all the casual philosophy. That cause part of the confusion in that bit.
John Dunbar- I love the roll of the Martians in this. It's wholly unexpected that they would be weird pets, and in the end the last one would be kept in a zoo. It's a neat angle, and you give the Martain's enough weird attributes I can totally see things play out this way. Through out, your writing feels very fun, and even though i saw that sad ending coming, it still hit me hard because you gave Marty some fun bits. I love his dancing, it was a great detail, and it was the kicker in that gut punch .
Nezumi- this is the great framework for a creation myth. It starts really interesting, and I really wanted to see how it would play out. I really wished this was expanded upon, because there were a lot of really interesting things at play, for example, I would have loved to get a better understanding of what Liku's creation was( I assume people, but still would have liked to seen.) The edge of nothingness is great, and i wished the other elements got as much focus. This feels like a myth, and all myths end with either a moral or explanation of a world thing. This didn't really have either. It just kind of ends with the first two brothers going "fuck you!" "No fuck you!" and the third slinking off. I didn't see how the first two gifts would cause Liku's creation to destroy both, and I didn't see the tragedy of the third leaving without giving advice because I didn't see any scene where his advice helped his brothers. Would love to see this expanded upon though.
Now the votings
1. John Dunbar
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
Coming back to writing in November is perfect since it is NaNo-time. So you can save your creative energy for the big one!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Oh god, forgot about Nano... That means a whole month of no this D:
But we get a whole month of other fun instead!
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
ah yes, "fun". We have dismissed that theory.
I think I'm going to abstain from commenting and voting this round. I have a really big pain in my neck (limited movement and everything) and I'm in no mood to read everything now. Party all you want, Jedi, the dark side will return.
Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully a good night sleep will take care of it.
I think I'm going to abstain from commenting and voting this round. I have a really big pain in my neck (limited movement and everything) and I'm in no mood to read everything now. Party all you want, Jedi, the dark side will return.
Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully a good night sleep will take care of it.
Cyan: The second paragraph has a sentence where we have a list of traits of the culture, and the final two items both have an and clause in front of them. It also goes on to state that the king (not emperor? He has an empire, right?) ignored them because there were easier and more fruitful conquests. More fruitful, I can understand, but whats easier than people living in mud huts without fortifications? Im not sure if this was just an editorial oversight, or if it was supposed to be indicative that the kings wits were not quite so sharp as he kept telling himself that they were. I had taken the statement that he still had his wits in the first paragraph at face value, it wasnt until it started to be directly linked to evidence that they might not be so sharp, so if that was the intent, Im not sure it hit the mark (at least not for me). I liked the paranoia and characterization of a man in decline but unwilling to accept it, and while I particularly loved the closing sentence, the actual ending was really unfulfilling to me. Theres no resolution, hes exactly where he was when the story started; sitting on his throne, wondering hoot whos out to get him.
FlowersisBritish: Mutilation is like my greatest fear in life, so this was pretty effective for me. I think the only weak points for me would be revealing the creature, if only because such reveals pretty much never live up to whatever horrible things people can conjure in their mind, and a big slug with a mane of petals in particular is not especially thrilling. The other thing that jumped out at me was the Jesus Christ line, firstly because it seemed a very modern sort of exclamation and phrasing (even though I guess really theres nothing that modern about it), and secondly because up until this point I had taken it to be a straight fantasy setting, and the realignment to recognizing it as a magical realism was jarring. Even though Grimm stories are chock full of religious references and cameos, theyre usually angels, saints, the Virgin Marybasically everyone except Jesus. Theres plenty of invoking God, but Im not so much JC to my recollection (though I havent read through them for a while).
Mike M: Gonna indulge in just one note of pushback and state that I view the length of the title as being frankly immaterial to anything, its just a thing I do with stories involving these characters because it amuses me. It could have been untitled, it could have been called Sleet Falling on Douglass Firs, the story would remain unchanged because of it. If it was an unusual format or presentation that impacted the ability to actually read the story, thatd be a valid complaint. That said, I was bumping up against the word limit pretty hard on this one, and description fell to the wayside in favor of the dialogue that I felt to be more important. Story turned out much better than their first outing together (Which I may actually go back and revise/rewrite to tighten it up considerably), and I happen to really like these characters, so this was pretty fun to write even if Harold stayed in the background for most of it. I may go back and fill in the details on this one without worrying about the word count. Theres something about them that seems to lend itself to ideas for episodic adventures, even if thus far theyve actually done precious little magic.
Cathy: Okay, I think Im gonna break this down into bullet points, because I have a bunch of comments over a variety of categories.
Shannon: I know were doomed to butt heads over using the terminology of churches and cathedrals in a fantasy setting where Christianity doesnt exist until the heat death of the universe, so Ill unclench my jaws from that bone and let it go with one last parting shot; if you intend to do anything with the Soulholders setting/stories, I absolutely will not be the only person to bring it up : P On the other hand, glad to see you incorporated most of the notes we gave you, and I still think my favorite part about this little sidequel to your other thing is that there isnt a clear cut person in the wrong among the people who are doing stuff. I mean, I guess Krad being the embodiment of evil would make him a bad guy, but the bad acts of Clovis and Darien are both the results of otherwise good people stuck in untenable situations. And its not just a straight the villain is the hero from his point of view thing where they want to enslave the world because they think it would be better off for it, Cloviss goals and motivations are, arguably, just.
Ward: Maybe its my own lack of experience in roughing it in the wilderness, but it seems some of the details in this strained credulity. An experienced outdoorsman drinking water straight from a stream without using some sort of iodine tablet or something to disinfect it? Theyre out there for weeks on a backpacks worth of supplies and one guy lamenting the lack of game tracks? And only one of them has the sense to think that maybe they should turn back? Those niggling details aside, I got a sort of Teds Caving Page vibe from it for obvious reasons. Once they actually got into the thick of things with the mounting tension, it got interesting, though I found it odd that the final line was set up in such a way as to almost frame the monsters identity as a surprise. It was self-evident from the moment the word Sasquatch was dropped, so much so that I was half-expecting it to go in some unexpected direction toward the end. I also found myself wishing there was more to Bigfoots antics than being impossibly silent as it smashed their stuff.
frekifox7: Kind of impressed that you managed to find the 300 words to lop out of this, as I know how loathe you are to give up descriptions of things. And yet you kept all the major beats and details in the process. Nice work. That said, while you managed to cram the story within the word count while maintaining the same scope, its that scope that is troublesome for me. You have a potential paranoid schizophrenic who may or may not be being poisoned by his domineering sister, or might potentially being played by his therapist who crossed a big fat red line. I know you said that the therapist wasnt doing anything nefarious, but its still fun to think about : ) Bottom line is that those are some beefy character details with teeth that interlock to grind out conflict to propel a story, but it barely gets out of neutral before it ends. So many possible character dynamics and interactions, so many directions it could go. Practically writes a psychological thriller by virtue of its very existence if it only had room to breathe uninhibited.
Tangent: Its clear to Daniel that she likes him, but its not clear to her? Did the girls name change from Sydney to Cindy? Things werent worded quite as clearly as they could have been, but I guess its a moot point because were following the bear somewhere else. As the bear changes hands repeatedly, it seems a foregone conclusion that its going to work its way back into Daniels and/or Cindys (Whos Sydney again at the end) hands. That makes the whole thing about playing coy with the identity of Troys friend rather pointless; theres only one reason that he wouldnt be named when everyone else was named right out of the gate, and that one reason is just as obvious as if wed just stated his name from the outset. Im less clear on why Cindy/Sydney even gave it to him in the first place, as I was under the impression that she liked him, which would make this little tchotchke gift kind of odd in my view, because it doesnt seem to be one that had much thought put into it. Almost like its missing a punchline or some vital character development that would explain why she picked this thing.
tomasgono: So the actual prose of this is pretty good. Sentences flow well, and there are some good word choices in the mix. But there are few obstacles that I perceive in this preventing it from being as good as it could be; First, its very tiring to read about a character who has no name, and pretty much never justifiable. Secondly, the first and second halves of this dont mesh well. Theres no break between his suicide attempt to flashing forward to him being a wall street fat cat, even though the scene changed and a considerable amount of time has passed, which totaled the flow of the story. Its also too much of a stretch for me to believe that a homeless street preacher is going to attain some high-power office job pretty much at all, let alone at any degree of speed. That is a tough, tough sell that needs more than maybe a few paragraphs lauding his work ethic as the secret to his success. You could have a whole book detailing this journey, and Id still be raising an incredulous eyebrow. Lastly, the notion that his mother just happened to be there to save him from his suicide attempt and flee under the cover of darkness is even more unbelievable for me, and it happens so late in the story that theres no room left to even begin to attempt to justify it.
Ashes: Ever persistent in your refusal to conform to conventional formatting standards, I think this time it hurt more than usual and made it difficult to read and follow who was speaking a lot of the time. The first part wasnt that hard when it was just the narrator ranting to the reader, but then it shifted to other characters, and suddenly we have this wall of left-adjusted text that is a chore to parse.
John Dunbar: You know, I dont think much tap-dancing is done to the tunes of mariachi music. But I freely admit I know nothing of either. This one started out with an absurdist bent, but then took a hard turn into more conventional, straight-laced fare, which was disappointing. Everything about the premise was fundamentally goofy, but then it turns out its all back story to a pretty underwhelming Free Willy jailbreak story. The tonal shift didnt work for me, and it just made the continuing absurdity of the Martian and its antics stick out as incongruous with everything that was happening around it. Well, I guess the idea that there was a rocket powerful enough to get to Mars anywhere nearby is goofy, but in the context it was presented it seemed more Well, I dont want to say anything you wrote was stupid, but Ill go so far as to say the absurdity of it was wide of the mark.
Nezumi: Liku doesnt seem very good at his job I would have used a few different word choices in some of the dialogue that I would find more in keeping with the voice of the narration, but otherwise this captured a creation myth really well, though it was bleak as fuck in the end. Bleak as fuck can work, though. Some of my favorite things are Bleak as Fuck. Like my metal band, Bleak as Fuck.
The Votening
1. FlowersisBritish (OMFG, I hate to give this to you after you throw shade on me for the length of my fucking title when you couldnt even spell yours right! I hope no one else votes for you! No one vote for this man! : P)
2. Cyan (His wit is still sharp)
3. Nezumi (Obligatory comment because Flowers and Cyan got one.)
FlowersisBritish: Mutilation is like my greatest fear in life, so this was pretty effective for me. I think the only weak points for me would be revealing the creature, if only because such reveals pretty much never live up to whatever horrible things people can conjure in their mind, and a big slug with a mane of petals in particular is not especially thrilling. The other thing that jumped out at me was the Jesus Christ line, firstly because it seemed a very modern sort of exclamation and phrasing (even though I guess really theres nothing that modern about it), and secondly because up until this point I had taken it to be a straight fantasy setting, and the realignment to recognizing it as a magical realism was jarring. Even though Grimm stories are chock full of religious references and cameos, theyre usually angels, saints, the Virgin Marybasically everyone except Jesus. Theres plenty of invoking God, but Im not so much JC to my recollection (though I havent read through them for a while).
Mike M: Gonna indulge in just one note of pushback and state that I view the length of the title as being frankly immaterial to anything, its just a thing I do with stories involving these characters because it amuses me. It could have been untitled, it could have been called Sleet Falling on Douglass Firs, the story would remain unchanged because of it. If it was an unusual format or presentation that impacted the ability to actually read the story, thatd be a valid complaint. That said, I was bumping up against the word limit pretty hard on this one, and description fell to the wayside in favor of the dialogue that I felt to be more important. Story turned out much better than their first outing together (Which I may actually go back and revise/rewrite to tighten it up considerably), and I happen to really like these characters, so this was pretty fun to write even if Harold stayed in the background for most of it. I may go back and fill in the details on this one without worrying about the word count. Theres something about them that seems to lend itself to ideas for episodic adventures, even if thus far theyve actually done precious little magic.
Cathy: Okay, I think Im gonna break this down into bullet points, because I have a bunch of comments over a variety of categories.
- Technical stuff: Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun and all that. While I continue to see improvement in what youre sharing with us, I would reiterate again that I think this is the area you should be focusing in on the most. Inconsistencies in whether punctuation is within a quotation or not (American English is always inside), missing quotation marks and other punctuation, extraneous spaces, random inappropriate capitalization, etc. My inner editor screams in pain. On the upside, I didnt see any of the verb tense changes that have bedeviled you in the past. If theyre in there, I missed them : )
- Content: Schmaltzy YA stuff is not my bag, but we already went over that. One thing that jumped out to me was that we establish early on that its after midnight, so why would one of the brothers find it necessary to state that the merry-go-round place would be closed that time of night? I think anyone reading would take that as granted, the odd thing that would be worthy of mention would be if it werent closed at that time of night. The overall premise is cute, but Im saying that begrudgingly in that snarling, snarky voice I use : P I like the interpretation of the theme, but the opening line stuck out to me like a sore thumb since I know the reason for its existence and I dont think it justifies itself when removed from that context.
- Pacing: There is a lot of extraneous detail in this one, and its largely not even very interesting information. For example, the quick service window being installed to serve ice cream in the summer and espresso in the winter. Why is delving even that far into the history of the ice cream shops structural features relevant? All we need to know is that it exists. Lots of stuff conveyed in paragraph-long info dumps that are not only telling and not showing, but its not telling us anything we need to (or may even want to) know.
Shannon: I know were doomed to butt heads over using the terminology of churches and cathedrals in a fantasy setting where Christianity doesnt exist until the heat death of the universe, so Ill unclench my jaws from that bone and let it go with one last parting shot; if you intend to do anything with the Soulholders setting/stories, I absolutely will not be the only person to bring it up : P On the other hand, glad to see you incorporated most of the notes we gave you, and I still think my favorite part about this little sidequel to your other thing is that there isnt a clear cut person in the wrong among the people who are doing stuff. I mean, I guess Krad being the embodiment of evil would make him a bad guy, but the bad acts of Clovis and Darien are both the results of otherwise good people stuck in untenable situations. And its not just a straight the villain is the hero from his point of view thing where they want to enslave the world because they think it would be better off for it, Cloviss goals and motivations are, arguably, just.
Ward: Maybe its my own lack of experience in roughing it in the wilderness, but it seems some of the details in this strained credulity. An experienced outdoorsman drinking water straight from a stream without using some sort of iodine tablet or something to disinfect it? Theyre out there for weeks on a backpacks worth of supplies and one guy lamenting the lack of game tracks? And only one of them has the sense to think that maybe they should turn back? Those niggling details aside, I got a sort of Teds Caving Page vibe from it for obvious reasons. Once they actually got into the thick of things with the mounting tension, it got interesting, though I found it odd that the final line was set up in such a way as to almost frame the monsters identity as a surprise. It was self-evident from the moment the word Sasquatch was dropped, so much so that I was half-expecting it to go in some unexpected direction toward the end. I also found myself wishing there was more to Bigfoots antics than being impossibly silent as it smashed their stuff.
frekifox7: Kind of impressed that you managed to find the 300 words to lop out of this, as I know how loathe you are to give up descriptions of things. And yet you kept all the major beats and details in the process. Nice work. That said, while you managed to cram the story within the word count while maintaining the same scope, its that scope that is troublesome for me. You have a potential paranoid schizophrenic who may or may not be being poisoned by his domineering sister, or might potentially being played by his therapist who crossed a big fat red line. I know you said that the therapist wasnt doing anything nefarious, but its still fun to think about : ) Bottom line is that those are some beefy character details with teeth that interlock to grind out conflict to propel a story, but it barely gets out of neutral before it ends. So many possible character dynamics and interactions, so many directions it could go. Practically writes a psychological thriller by virtue of its very existence if it only had room to breathe uninhibited.
Tangent: Its clear to Daniel that she likes him, but its not clear to her? Did the girls name change from Sydney to Cindy? Things werent worded quite as clearly as they could have been, but I guess its a moot point because were following the bear somewhere else. As the bear changes hands repeatedly, it seems a foregone conclusion that its going to work its way back into Daniels and/or Cindys (Whos Sydney again at the end) hands. That makes the whole thing about playing coy with the identity of Troys friend rather pointless; theres only one reason that he wouldnt be named when everyone else was named right out of the gate, and that one reason is just as obvious as if wed just stated his name from the outset. Im less clear on why Cindy/Sydney even gave it to him in the first place, as I was under the impression that she liked him, which would make this little tchotchke gift kind of odd in my view, because it doesnt seem to be one that had much thought put into it. Almost like its missing a punchline or some vital character development that would explain why she picked this thing.
tomasgono: So the actual prose of this is pretty good. Sentences flow well, and there are some good word choices in the mix. But there are few obstacles that I perceive in this preventing it from being as good as it could be; First, its very tiring to read about a character who has no name, and pretty much never justifiable. Secondly, the first and second halves of this dont mesh well. Theres no break between his suicide attempt to flashing forward to him being a wall street fat cat, even though the scene changed and a considerable amount of time has passed, which totaled the flow of the story. Its also too much of a stretch for me to believe that a homeless street preacher is going to attain some high-power office job pretty much at all, let alone at any degree of speed. That is a tough, tough sell that needs more than maybe a few paragraphs lauding his work ethic as the secret to his success. You could have a whole book detailing this journey, and Id still be raising an incredulous eyebrow. Lastly, the notion that his mother just happened to be there to save him from his suicide attempt and flee under the cover of darkness is even more unbelievable for me, and it happens so late in the story that theres no room left to even begin to attempt to justify it.
Ashes: Ever persistent in your refusal to conform to conventional formatting standards, I think this time it hurt more than usual and made it difficult to read and follow who was speaking a lot of the time. The first part wasnt that hard when it was just the narrator ranting to the reader, but then it shifted to other characters, and suddenly we have this wall of left-adjusted text that is a chore to parse.
John Dunbar: You know, I dont think much tap-dancing is done to the tunes of mariachi music. But I freely admit I know nothing of either. This one started out with an absurdist bent, but then took a hard turn into more conventional, straight-laced fare, which was disappointing. Everything about the premise was fundamentally goofy, but then it turns out its all back story to a pretty underwhelming Free Willy jailbreak story. The tonal shift didnt work for me, and it just made the continuing absurdity of the Martian and its antics stick out as incongruous with everything that was happening around it. Well, I guess the idea that there was a rocket powerful enough to get to Mars anywhere nearby is goofy, but in the context it was presented it seemed more Well, I dont want to say anything you wrote was stupid, but Ill go so far as to say the absurdity of it was wide of the mark.
Nezumi: Liku doesnt seem very good at his job I would have used a few different word choices in some of the dialogue that I would find more in keeping with the voice of the narration, but otherwise this captured a creation myth really well, though it was bleak as fuck in the end. Bleak as fuck can work, though. Some of my favorite things are Bleak as Fuck. Like my metal band, Bleak as Fuck.
I dont actually have a metal band
The Votening
1. FlowersisBritish (OMFG, I hate to give this to you after you throw shade on me for the length of my fucking title when you couldnt even spell yours right! I hope no one else votes for you! No one vote for this man! : P)
2. Cyan (His wit is still sharp)
3. Nezumi (Obligatory comment because Flowers and Cyan got one.)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Oh god, I can already see this is gonna turn into a slobberknocker.
Cyan: I really liked how the prose slowly revealed bits and pieces of a grander setting in which the story takes place. I thought that the environment development was at its best when we didn't get a explicit description through a narrator's voice (like at the start of the story), but when the job of filling in the blanks was left to the reader, with the guidance a writer who clearly knew how to steer the story in the direction he wanted (like when we are introduced to Hale, or to how Ashkur managed to become the king by killing his father). I wished that instead of this reduced vignette we had a longer timespan in the story to explore what ends up happening with Ashkur, or to get more background into why he was being betrayed by his son and how deep the plotting really went to achieve that purpose.
FlowersisBritish: I really liked the way in which Mari is introduced. I could perfectly create a scene in my head that felt alive and that I was interested in just by the prose of those opening lines. But I felt that the last part of the story (when the Witch begins her game) was at times confusing and I got lost at what was actually happening to Mari's body. Besides I would've liked some insight into what are the witch's motivation for playing with Mari (other than just being evil because she is a witch).
Mike M: I love when writing has a rythm to it, when words just seem to flow and orations begin to blend with one another, and this story manages just that. The initial and ending conversations between Walter and Harold, the way in which the whole Diane and Walter conversation goes from nothing to a precipitous invitation, every dialog had a cadence to it that was superb. At times it almost felt like reading a TV script, in that you could clearly picture the story almost as watching a scene from a movie or a series. I only wish more time was spent on Harold, and maybe that whole Wanda part was a bit too much in your face about how socially awkward Walter is.
Cathy: The dynamic between the brothers was honest, in that there were many of the elements that sort of relationship usually has, some banter and superiority from the "cooler" brother, but also some fraternal love between them (which is made clear at the end). I thought that the story had a bid of a slow start, why should I care about this kids wandering around searching for something that we and they don't know what it is? But in part that kind of incremental momentum was needed to reach the late climax when its revealed that it was all a rouse to get Josh a date, which I didn't saw coming and really enjoyed. Maybe the search at the old creepy mansion could've been made more interesting by introducing more depth to the characters while they where traversing the old house.
Shannon: The vibe that surrounded the fight, with the shouting between the Darien and Clovis, the one man versus an army standoff, etc... was I think the strongest quality of the story. It gave me the sensation of reading a manga or watching an awesome anime, which is always good. But I had some trouble following what was happening due to too many names and titles being used to describe the plot. Maybe it could've been easier to follow if instead of describing whether someone is a high priest or a soulholder, we get an insight into the how the characters feel or how they perceive someone / something.
Ward: The best part of the story was the mantle of doubt surrounding the search for a beast which might not be real. This element showed a lot of potential that could've been more exploited. But at the end I felt that the whole first part of the story was just an excuse to get to when they finally found the cave and the fight with the beast.
frekifox7: The story was clearly divided into two parts. The first one where illusion and reality blend in a melange where the line between the two isn't necessarily drawn for both the reader or the protagonist, which allow for a fantastic deconstruction of what is actually real and what is an hallucination through the eyes of Mason, which I really enjoyed. And then suddenly after the phone call Mason's illness disappears which kind of kills the biggest strength of the story, and also doesn't make too much sense considering Ana thinks Daisy aggravates the symptoms (and he just talked to her). I really wish you would've used the same kind of questioning into what's real or not at the end of the story, which could've serve as an interesting contrast to a middle part were exposition had a more central role.
Tangent: The narrator has an almost childish demeanor at the beginning of the story which I thought it was in service of something that would later be revealed, but it just changes at some point and adopts a more traditional tone. I thought this could've been a good complement to the upbeat vibe of the story if it was kept throughout the whole narration instead of just in the opening part. About the plot itself, I thought that the use of the absurd as a central element of the story was quite effective, although a bit too easy to foresee after the second time the gift changed hands (from there it was just too obvious that it would somehow return to Daniel or Sydney).
Ashes: The first two parts of the story immediately grabbed me because Ashley felt like a real human being, not just a character. It wasn't just the way in which he talked (thought?) but the kind of argumentation that he used was exactly what you would expect from drunk-logic. The final part with the prostitute felt a bit too much, and left me wandering how did he went from getting drunk and drunk-calling a friend to basically going back to behaving like a homeless in a heartbeat.
John Dunbar: What a lovely scifi story. Really, really liked how the story is structured, the exposition giving just the right amount of information, the action before the climax making me emotionally invested in dog-like creatures who can dance like little mariachis, and the unfortunate tragedy at the end made me realize that I was emotionally invested in the story. Maybe the only thing that I think was missing is a bit more information about Helen's motivations and what she was trying to achieve by returning Marty to Mars.
Nezumi: It's a shame that the story is so short, as the plot device of giving the three brothers a different gift reminds me of so many myths and parables that it could've a perfect opportunity for a traditional fable, but in order to achieve that it required some more development into why / how the other brother's gift were causing them problems as I don't really get the conflict between building and writing stories as a metaphor for conflict between two other human behaviors.
Voting:
1)John Dunbar
2)Mike M
3)frekifox7
FlowersisBritish: I really liked the way in which Mari is introduced. I could perfectly create a scene in my head that felt alive and that I was interested in just by the prose of those opening lines. But I felt that the last part of the story (when the Witch begins her game) was at times confusing and I got lost at what was actually happening to Mari's body. Besides I would've liked some insight into what are the witch's motivation for playing with Mari (other than just being evil because she is a witch).
Mike M: I love when writing has a rythm to it, when words just seem to flow and orations begin to blend with one another, and this story manages just that. The initial and ending conversations between Walter and Harold, the way in which the whole Diane and Walter conversation goes from nothing to a precipitous invitation, every dialog had a cadence to it that was superb. At times it almost felt like reading a TV script, in that you could clearly picture the story almost as watching a scene from a movie or a series. I only wish more time was spent on Harold, and maybe that whole Wanda part was a bit too much in your face about how socially awkward Walter is.
Cathy: The dynamic between the brothers was honest, in that there were many of the elements that sort of relationship usually has, some banter and superiority from the "cooler" brother, but also some fraternal love between them (which is made clear at the end). I thought that the story had a bid of a slow start, why should I care about this kids wandering around searching for something that we and they don't know what it is? But in part that kind of incremental momentum was needed to reach the late climax when its revealed that it was all a rouse to get Josh a date, which I didn't saw coming and really enjoyed. Maybe the search at the old creepy mansion could've been made more interesting by introducing more depth to the characters while they where traversing the old house.
Shannon: The vibe that surrounded the fight, with the shouting between the Darien and Clovis, the one man versus an army standoff, etc... was I think the strongest quality of the story. It gave me the sensation of reading a manga or watching an awesome anime, which is always good. But I had some trouble following what was happening due to too many names and titles being used to describe the plot. Maybe it could've been easier to follow if instead of describing whether someone is a high priest or a soulholder, we get an insight into the how the characters feel or how they perceive someone / something.
Ward: The best part of the story was the mantle of doubt surrounding the search for a beast which might not be real. This element showed a lot of potential that could've been more exploited. But at the end I felt that the whole first part of the story was just an excuse to get to when they finally found the cave and the fight with the beast.
frekifox7: The story was clearly divided into two parts. The first one where illusion and reality blend in a melange where the line between the two isn't necessarily drawn for both the reader or the protagonist, which allow for a fantastic deconstruction of what is actually real and what is an hallucination through the eyes of Mason, which I really enjoyed. And then suddenly after the phone call Mason's illness disappears which kind of kills the biggest strength of the story, and also doesn't make too much sense considering Ana thinks Daisy aggravates the symptoms (and he just talked to her). I really wish you would've used the same kind of questioning into what's real or not at the end of the story, which could've serve as an interesting contrast to a middle part were exposition had a more central role.
Tangent: The narrator has an almost childish demeanor at the beginning of the story which I thought it was in service of something that would later be revealed, but it just changes at some point and adopts a more traditional tone. I thought this could've been a good complement to the upbeat vibe of the story if it was kept throughout the whole narration instead of just in the opening part. About the plot itself, I thought that the use of the absurd as a central element of the story was quite effective, although a bit too easy to foresee after the second time the gift changed hands (from there it was just too obvious that it would somehow return to Daniel or Sydney).
Ashes: The first two parts of the story immediately grabbed me because Ashley felt like a real human being, not just a character. It wasn't just the way in which he talked (thought?) but the kind of argumentation that he used was exactly what you would expect from drunk-logic. The final part with the prostitute felt a bit too much, and left me wandering how did he went from getting drunk and drunk-calling a friend to basically going back to behaving like a homeless in a heartbeat.
John Dunbar: What a lovely scifi story. Really, really liked how the story is structured, the exposition giving just the right amount of information, the action before the climax making me emotionally invested in dog-like creatures who can dance like little mariachis, and the unfortunate tragedy at the end made me realize that I was emotionally invested in the story. Maybe the only thing that I think was missing is a bit more information about Helen's motivations and what she was trying to achieve by returning Marty to Mars.
Nezumi: It's a shame that the story is so short, as the plot device of giving the three brothers a different gift reminds me of so many myths and parables that it could've a perfect opportunity for a traditional fable, but in order to achieve that it required some more development into why / how the other brother's gift were causing them problems as I don't really get the conflict between building and writing stories as a metaphor for conflict between two other human behaviors.
Voting:
1)John Dunbar
2)Mike M
3)frekifox7
John Dunbar
correct about everything
1. Tangent
2. Ward
3. FlowersisBritish
2. Ward
3. FlowersisBritish
Voting time is up and the results are in!
1.) FlowersisBritish - The Witch's Flower
2.) John Dunbar - The Last of the Tap Dancing Martians
2.) Tangent - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Vote Count:
FlowersisBritish - 13 (2)
John Dunbar - 10 (3)
Tangent - 10 (2)
Mike M - 9 (2)
frekifox7 - 3
Cyan - 2
Nezumi - 2
Ward - 2
Ashes - 1
Cathy - 1
Congratulations Flowers! Now give me a new theme so I can forget about it for the next two weeks.
1.) FlowersisBritish - The Witch's Flower
2.) John Dunbar - The Last of the Tap Dancing Martians
2.) Tangent - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Vote Count:
FlowersisBritish - 13 (2)
John Dunbar - 10 (3)
Tangent - 10 (2)
Mike M - 9 (2)
frekifox7 - 3
Cyan - 2
Nezumi - 2
Ward - 2
Ashes - 1
Cathy - 1
Congratulations Flowers! Now give me a new theme so I can forget about it for the next two weeks.
No, I did.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Hey everybody? You know what Thursday is? I know what thursday is. Time to get spooky!
- Status