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[Aaron]

Votes:

1- Ashes
2- FlowersisBritish
3- Cyan

Comments:

Ward - Cool concept, but needs a little more clarity and cohesion. There aren't enough descriptive elements for the story to cling to.
Mike M - Way too much explaining up front. I'm not invested enough in the story yet to absorb all this data. It makes the end feel anti-climatic.
Tangent - Works much better than what I was expecting when I caught on, but the kid dialogue is a little too precious. Takes away from the overall story.
FlowersisBritish - I enjoyed how unusual and outside my experience it was, but you should do more up front to establish the relationship between father and daughter for get the reader more invested.
Dandy Croc - Enjoyed the banter and the characters come across as lively, but sticking to just dialogue makes things hard to place at the start, and I have no idea what's happening in the ending.
Cathy - Give the reader a reason to care before presenting them with a mystery. Start with spotting the girl right in the first paragraph to provide a hook to hang that interest on. It's compelling when it finally gets going.
frekifox7 - It's vivid, but could have used the character before the brutality. Like set up, action, and then purpose revealed.
Cyan - Great creepy poem. I think the rhythm could use a touch more refinement, but basically focused and effective.
Ashes - It's very condensed in a way I like. The ending was a little too anti-climatic. I guess that's the intent, but it should be either really simple or have a hint of flair.

 

[Mike M]

Aaron: Hey, welcome back. I thought the premise of this was pretty stellar, but probably aspired beyond the word count allows this week. The ending in particular felt abrupt and rushed, which was a disappointment because I was enjoying the quest of putting the band back together up until then. There were a few details that stuck out to me as being a little awkward or strange. Red just outright saying that his grandson is half-black seemed a little stilted, for instance, more something I would expect to read in a character sketch than a narrative description. The conversation with Blind Joe also didn’t go smoothly for me for a bunch of reasons. Firstly, everyone up until that point had figurative nicknames, so it took me a moment to get that Blind Joe was actually blind in life. It also took me a moment to get that when he asked how long Grey had been white, he was referring to skin color because a.) Grey had a nickname referring to his age and I thought Joe was talking about Grey’s hair at first, and b.) I can’t buy that Joe wouldn’t know that Grey/Red was white, even if he was blind. It would have been mentioned or alluded to at some point during their time together. It seemed to be in service of setting up the origin of Red’s original nickname, but people telling other people things that they already know for the benefit of the reader is frequently an unwieldy way to impart such information. The “blow the black off” line was great, though.

Ward: At the start I was getting sort of a Richard Mattheson’s Mad House vibe, but then it goes off in a very different direction. It actually seems to go off in like… three different directions. We lurch from a raging homeowner beleaguered by annoying and inconsiderate neighbors to a brief flirtation with obsessing over the noises in the walls and floors. Then the mirror explodes for no reason with no reaction from the main character besides inexplicably reaching for this void that has appeared in his wall behind his mirror. Then we’re back to things in the wall, then we’re back to the void, but then it’s all a dream and Reagan shows up at the end. I feel like this is a joke that I just don’t get the punchline to.

Mike M: In theory I should have aced this. Multicultural spooky shit? I know this stuff. I had hoped to use this as an example to show off my knowledge of ghost mythology and folklore, but in the end it felt totally phoned in. Don’t know if it’s because I just had Walter starring in the last thing I wrote or what. Doctor Parson was the POV character, but he was just a sock puppet to deliver exposition. I should have saved my anonymous submission for this one.

Tangent: Transitioning my kid from crib to her own bed did not go down like this. It’s been more than a year, and she still occasionally will beg us to convert it back into a crib. And maybe it’s just that my kid has freakishly good annunciation (putting aside that she pronounces “yellow” as “lellow”), but the kid’s speech patterns read more like stereotype than how most kids I interact with actually talk. Even though the ending was visible a million miles away (because really, what other ending is there going to be for a story about a kid insisting that there’s a monster in her closet and the parent who assures them otherwise?), you still managed to illicit a little bit of a chill at the end.

FlowersisBritish: Some unusual descriptors in this one that were more confusing than evocative. “Kinks in her neck like rocks laced through the dessert of her skin and muscle?” “Cold brown tile leaking up her soles?” (though I think that may supposed to be “cold of the brown tile?”) “He had a troubled look dripping onto his cereal?” I’m not sure if you were going for something intentionally different to broaden your horizons or if you were having an off week. The exposition at the end felt completely unnecessary. The Batkhak is a creature that sits on someone’s chest and causes bad dreams? We already got that from the title and the fact that it was sitting on her chest and causing bad dreams. The escalation also seemed off to me, as the second dream definitely seemed more intimidating than the third, and the fact that there didn’t seem to be anything at stake besides bad dreams that were—from the information presented within the context of the story, at any rate—ultimately harmless if unpleasant. That the antagonist is something that can be “shooed” away reduces it from supernatural threat to supernatural annoyance and sucks all the tension and suspense that had previously been ascribed to it.

Dandy Crocodile: Darlene’s guilt was readily apparent the moment she started going on about a chef’s knife, but there are larger foundational issues that would need to be addressed before that, as all the things this story hinges on are broken. A house changes hands how many times over the years, and no one’s cleaned out the N-1th most previous resident’s possessions and ancient fridge? Really? Especially the fridge. They’re just going to keep a 60 year old fridge running up their power bills? Reeeeeeeeally? And it only occurs to the guy at the end that frozen broccoli would be kept in a freezer? Broccoli that the murderous husband would have had the presence of mind to randomly save for no discernible reason? Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally? It’s a clever premise in the broad strokes, but the final execution depends on way too many suspensions of disbelief for me.

Cathy: You know, it’s only upon second reading that I realize how incredible and deep one’s antipathy would have to train your parrot to call your significant other an idiot on the chiming of the hour. Overall, I think you did a good job of addressing the things we pointed out at the last get together, as we are eased into the fact that he’s been in a car crash than having it dropped in our lap at the very end. I think the lingering point of confusion may be in assuming that the reader knows what red caps are, or even that a transplant to Ireland would know what they were on sight (and not know what a banshee is? Pretty sure banshees are far more well known). I no longer initially took it to be pills that he had vomited up, but it could just as easily be mushroom caps in the context of what we were looking at with him staring at the ground. Only remaining rough patch for me.

frekifox7: I know it’s intentional, but I’m going to guess that the mash up of Native American, Norse, Greek, and Roman mythology and names is something that you may get called out on. In a longer work that could better explore the idea of “everything that everyone ever believed is simultaneously true at the same time,” it’d probably be a bit easier to grasp. And you have enough of a seed of an idea here to do something longer if you were so inclined. I particularly dug the description and concept of the Graylands literally sucking the color out of everything rather than just being that everything was gray because otherwise you wouldn’t call them the Graylands.

Cyan: The first three words of this instantly called to mind the melody of Firework and then my brain did its best to cram the rest of the words into the lyric structure of the song. It was an odd juxtaposition.

Ashes: For a brief moment I hoped that the talk of foreshadowing and not adhering to literary rules was the start of some self-aware satire. Harry got some good lines in toward the beginning, but then he seemed to settle into a speech pattern that was more or less unidentifying. I actually managed to get confused on who was supposed to be in a relationship with who at a couple points because they all seemed mostly interchangeable. They should probably be more concerned about tetanus than they are.

Votes:
1. frekifox7
2. Aaron
3. Cathy

 

[FlowersisBritish]

You know what's great about so few entries? I get to do all of this in one day and still have a day to enjoy!

Aaron- I love the supernatural details, they add a great flair to the story. So much that I wished there was a bit more time with these aspects, outside of the 2,000 word limit. You cary a lot of great detail through out, though I think the front is a little adjective heavy, but that's the only part, the rest feels balanced. The number of band mates has me confused, is it 3 or 4? They're referred to as a quartet, and MC said they were going to visit the last, but we never see the last guy, and then the story ends.

Ward- Second time I've decided to listen, feels a lot better than the first. Though, your speaking pace is all over the place. For the most part, I think your talking and going through the details too fast. It would read out a lot better if you slowed down. There is a bit where you do(around "Reggies eyes fluttered") and it works really well. I think your voices were a hell of a lot better this second time I listened. I particularly loved Limal's voice. It sounded like a Kermit the Frog impersonation, and a damn good one too. End twist isn't bad, but I think more time and set up would have made it more impactful.

Mike M- So i mentioned a recurring pattern Frekifox was doing my last criticisms, and I noticed a similar thing for you. To avoid looking like a sexist, gonna mention it. You've been doing a lot of buddy cop style stories lately. Not a bad thing, you have the formula pretty much down, and I think if you were to do a longer story that way, it probs be great. Just a thing I noticed. Your environmental descriptions are outstanding here, giving the plantation a very vivid and interesting feel. Though, there is too much exposition in the dialogue. Haven't they done this before? Wouldn't they discuss a plan of some sort before hand, instead of on the fly?

Tangent- Thank you for taking the Tulpa cookie. I was afraid no one would take any of my suggestions ;_; Anyway, I really like the story. Although I thought the child's dialogue was much sometimes, i just talked to a child today and they do talk like that. I think you used the Tulpa in a really interesting way and it made the end twist a hell of a lot better because of it's uniqueness. The Rani Beta bit has been throwing me for a loop though, any significance or is it just a cute name? Also, Walter the Farting Dog sounds like the best children's book I've never read.

Flowers- Ugh, research was a pain, and I didn't even use half of it. I really wished I put in some of Iran's culture in, but if it didn't sound first hand I wasn't happy with it. Also, since I'm not the first person this time, gonna address some comments. Agree with Aaron, expanding the father/daughter relationship would have helped, though much like the culture I couldn't think of a way of getting it in there in a way that felt significant. To Mike, yeah, i was trying something a little more surreal. I wanted to keep a dream like impression through out with descriptions kind of bleeding into one another through mixes of senses and visuals. Also, I didn't really want the creature to be threatening, more a presence passing through.

Dandy- This was a hell of a lot of fun. Your banter is great, and I love the ghost's nonchalant attitude about the whole thing. Freezer threw me for a loop though. Is there an industrial size freezer there or something? Weird accessory for a house. Also, how is she getting rid of the bodies if this isn't the first time?

Cathy- I love the scene with the capped creatures. Literally everything about it, from their descriptions to the pacing, to the realization it's blood. It's easily the strongest moment in the story(second being your great end line). The story starts off too slow though, for me. Also, I was fairly confused by the end, like is the wife suddenly there? And physically, how did he die? What is she seeing? I feel like i missed on key piece of info that placed me at a setting in that last bit.

Frekifox- Amazing descriptions again. I'm continually amazed at how you effortlessly make these really engaging fantasy worlds I want to read more of. This one is my favorite so far, mostly because I like horror stuff. There is an inherit problem with characters like Nox, where they'll go "Always wanted to eat XXX" but they never do and there isn't really a good reason why. It's always unconsciously chalked up to "They're secretly no that bad a guy", and I always thought that was dumb. Especially apparent here, since you opened with him brutally torturing and killing a girl in sublime detail. Also, your end is terrible. The most bullshit tease I think I've ever seen of "You're a wizard Harry!" "Yea Harry sat on his couch sure.

Cyan Guh poem... what to say... It sounds nice? But really, I don't think the mirror and sleep themes mix too well together. The tiredness puts a sense of being near your bed, or somewhere comfortable, but the mirror stuff brings you to a bathroom or wardrobe. Which is kind of a shame to say, because you have a lot of great lines through out. So good, they conjure up the feeling of being in those places. And I do like the idea of something stealing you away bit by bit every time you nod off.

Ashes- I kept getting lost with who's who in this, specifically between Harry and Jack. I think it's mostly because Jack barely till later, he starts off as a hand. Every time I read a male name, I assumed it was Harry because i forgot about Jack. I think your dialogue was particularly on point with this one( the only exception being "did you want to have sex?" which was blunt, and she didn't respond with walking away, which I find a little unreal). When the meat of the character relationships is built in, this becomes a very engaging story. Though, I think this walks the line of thoughtful/frustrating and leans a little too far on one side. I love all the subtlety throughout, but it makes some scene more difficult than they should. Honestly, I really liked this story, because I think it got me the most engaged and thinking about it of all the ones I read.

Almost forgot the votes

1) Ashes
2) Frekifox
3)Aaron

 

[Dandy Crocodile]

1.) frekifox7 - Hunger
2.) Cathy - Amhran mBean
3.) Flowersisbritish - Bakthak


My entry was (probably obviously) dialogue practice, which is an area I've struggled in before. My plots always have glaring flaws so that's definitely something I want to improve on. I think I just get so enamored with an idea and getting it written that the actual "how" and "why" of it get pushed aside for fun things like stupid Saturday Night Live references and ghosts that reportedly inhabit 60-year-old frozen broccoli.

 

[Mike M]

Cathy's votes

1. Mike M
2. Tangent
3. Frekifox7

HM Aaron

 

[Cyan]

Votes:
1. Aaron - "Grey Went Red"
2. frekifox7 - "Hunger"
3. Ashes - 'Harry's Hobble' Or 'The Horrors that Never Were'

Dandy Crocodile - "Fridge Horror" - You mentioned this was basically a dialogue exercise. I would call it a success in that regard. I got a sense of character (at least for the ghost) and of place, and it was entertaining. I could've easily voted for this one.

Mike M - "De Bad Mon" - The dialogue and action and so on are all solid, as is your norm. I think what might be causing you to feel like it's not quite there is the lack of challenge. The characters walk to the grave, lay out their plan, and then enact that plan with little difficulty and no complications. Without getting too into the specifics, I'd have liked to see something go wrong that they had to solve on the fly.

Flowersisbritish - "Bakthak" - I think avoiding using the name of the creature would've helped. It made the lack of... cultural trappings, I guess... more obvious. And seemed too specific for the general surreality.

 

[frekifox7]

1. Mike
2. Cathy
3. Cyan

 

[Ashes]

Aaron - liked the prose, but it dragged its point beyond necessity.
Ward - Liked the sound effects. Kinda different vibe when reading the text by it self.
Mike M - Thought this was kinda dull if well written.
Tangent - Super adorable x 1000;
Flowersisbritish - familiar with the spirit; kinda squeezed out the parental angle bit.
Dandy Crocodile - Felt like a skit. Tighten it up. Not much wrong with plot.
Cathy - Didn't really grab me. Sorry.
frekifox7 - I had trouble getting into it.*
Cyan - mirroring bootaaaay? Or am I thinking of your story?


1. Aaron
2. Dandy Crocodile
3. Tangent


*Had to look around for an app that read rtf! Tougher than it sounds...

 

[Tangent]

Votes:
1. Aaron
2. Ashes
3. Frekifox

(I had these ready last night but forgot to actually post! Are they too late? Should I tally up now or wait?)

 

[Mike M]

I say tally.

I'd do it myself, but I have a crisis at work and usually botch the math anyway.

 

[Nezumi]

OK, since I didn't manage to participate in this thread this week, the least I can do is tally the results.

We have a tie this week for first place but after the tiebreaker the results are...


1.) Aaron - Grey Went Red
2.) frekifox7 - Hunger
3.) Ashes - 'Harry's Hobble' Or 'The Horrors that Never Were'

Vote Count:

Aaron - 12 (3)
frekifox7 - 12 (2)
Ashes - 9 (2)
Mike M - 6 (2)
Cathy - 5
Tangent - 3
FlowersisBritish - 3
Dandy Crocodile - 2
Cyan - 2

Congratulation Aaron, to a very successful comeback!

 

[FUBAR McDangles]

Man, these challenges seem like so much fun and every time I see one of these threads I want to write for it but always miss the deadline.

From the ones I've read, there isn't a bad one posted. Good stuff everyone.

 

[Cyan]

Nice, congrats to Aaron and frekifox! Now where's that new topic, dude?

 

[Aaron]

Thanks for the congrats and comments, and sorry for the delay. Here's the new topic:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=181567968