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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #201 - "The Mind-Forg'd Manacles"

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Nezumi

Member
No editing, no proofreading and mostly written on my cracked phone... What could possibly go wrong...

#entry



Drawers (1000 words)

Hunching over the huge wooden table that takes up the entirety of the far wall, the Archivist places three coat buttons on a small tablet. Even though his back is bent with aeons of existence his eyes, dark and speckled with the lights of countless tiny galaxies, still sparkle with wisdom and it was with these that he watches intently as the creature before him slowly crawls towards the left button, ivory with mother of pearl decorations. Not taking his eyes of the specimen, his right hand ferociously scribbles on a notepad, documenting every twitch of the purple whiskers, every blink of the large two-irised eyes, the way the bristly black fur rises and falls and the changes in pitch of the critters constant humming.

Once the Archivist seems satisfied he replaces the buttons with three different lotus petals he had fished out of a tank on the far left of the table. Again he meticulously takes notes of even the smallest of reactions. Once done with the petals he places the creature inside a large bulbous glass container and madly twist and turns on levers and valves until the container is filled with a gas that changes color in rapid succession, all the while not taking his eyes of the creature and endlessly taking notes.
The process continues for quite some time as the Archivist goes on and on, using apparently every single one of the many peculiar instruments that litter the massive table. Every now and then he steps away from it and takes his notepad over to a gigantic book that is propped open in one corner of the room. Using a ladder to reach the section of the page that interests him, he scans the various graphs and charts on the page that has a small picture of the creature in the top corner. When he finds what he has been looking for he returns to the table, continuing his work with fresh determination.


When finally the last page of the notepad is filled he walks over to the book one last time. Cross-referencing his notes with a chart at the very bottom of the page he starts encircling certain information on his notepad which then in turn get cross-referenced again with the chart until finally he taps his finger victoriously on a single combination of numbers and letters.
“G123B39C24,” he mumbles as he picks up the creature and walks over to the cabinet covering the wall opposite the table. He pushes a button on a panel and in the next moment the rows and rows of drawers start to slide sideways, slowly at first but quickly picking up speed until they are nothing more than brownish blur. Millions of drawers flicker by in mere seconds before the Archivist releases the button and abruptly the cabinet becomes still again.

He lets his eyes wander over the wall of drawers, passing over G122M to Z until he finally finds the row G123A to L. He pushes the button once more and this time only the particular row moves vertically. One more time he searches, constantly repeating the file number to himself when he finally finds the drawer he uses a small key around his neck to open it. Once opened the drawer reveals on its inside a space much larger than seems possible from the outside in which a number of black-furred and purple-whiskered creatures is already frolicking in a strange and surreal landscape of plants and furniture. For a little while the Archivist watches the behavior of the creatures before he lowers the one that he is holding to join his companions.


He has just turned away from the cabinet, when a sudden rattling noise draws his attention. He turns around again and eyes the wall of drawers with a puzzled frown. Almost tentatively he presses the button again and starts flicking through the drawers. Every few seconds he stops, listening intently but for a while the noise does not return. He is about to give up when he hears it again, even louder this time. He immediately stops the drawers and still frowning scans each drawer. When he can't find the source of the noise he begins to open up the drawers and check on the specimen inside.


The first drawer he opens has a number of large many-legged insects that happily crawl over a desert of blue sand. Everything seemed normal. He opens the next drawer. Inside it the same creatures enjoy their time only this time the sand is a decisively different shade of blue. He finds nothing out of the ordinary, not here nor in the next five drawers all containing identical deserts in varying shades of blue with the same insects crawling in them.


It is only when the Archivist comes to the sixth drawer that he finds the source of the sound. Instead of doing what the rest of his companions is doing, one of the insects desperately tries to climb the drawer’s walls. The Archivist shakes his head in amused confusion as he picks up the creature and carries it over to the table, absentmindedly flicking a hand at the book that immediately springs open to a site with a picture of the creature on top.


Going through a similar process as he had with the previous specimen, the Archivist goes about taking notes of every little detail of the creature’s behavior, checking the book frequently.


After hours of work he once more takes up the wriggling insects and, mumbling the filing number, walks to the cabinet. He stops, goes back to the book and checks the code again, then returns, shakes his head again and checks one more time. The result doesn't change. The open drawer clearly shows the numbers and letters he had just repeated. Confused he puts the struggling insect inside which immediately starts climbing out again.


The Archivist forcefully slams the drawer shut and before his hand has even left the smooth wood a faint rattling sounds in his ear.
 

Izuna

Banned
I don't know if I'll be eligible. I'm 50% done because I rested and discovered a plot hole. I still want to submit, though!

edit: couldn't get there in time. I confused myself too much. I'll finish it another time and share.
 

Mike M

Nick N
  • FlowersisBritish: I don’t think Melody and Jerry’s relationship was established well enough to fully comprehend her anxiety at the prospect of being proposed to by him, especially if they’re already cohabiting. There’d be a dozen perfectly legitimate and understandable scenarios where this could happen, but we don’t stick around long enough to see it. All we have is that they used to fight, but that their relationship appears to be improving, which if anything would seem to just weight the scales in favor of needing more explanation behind Melody’s action. Also, “Jerry hated Italian food and thought that meant she loved Italian” is some very strange reasoning on its own.
  • Tangent: Well, that is certainly a title that happened… At first I thought this was going to be a story about a bunch of well-read, tea-drinking tortoise monks taking in an ordinary puppy under the assumption that it would be as civilized as them, but instead we get a puppy who really is as smart as them, but just doesn’t speak the same language. It’s cute.
  • MilkBeard: Almost as soon as the hook for the story gets laid down, the story ends. It’s a pity, because I’d like to know what was going on with those two in more detail, beyond some undefined psychosis that prevents them from leaving their unlocked cells. Quite the literal interpretation of the theme!
  • DumbNameD: If I grasp things correctly, the guy has a--for all intents and purposes--a magic slug that picks winning horses, and this got him in trouble with the mob for winning too much or something? The ending was really abrupt and seemingly out of nowhere, and there’s a gap from how slug goes from not being fast enough to avoid people to being captured and somehow having it discovered that he can talk and pick the races.
  • Cyan: This reads like it is like the first scene of a longer story where she makes several attempts to find a way to enhance her beauty to attract the elusive *her* before achieving some final resolution. Taken on its own, it’s kind of one of those situations where the story short circuits itself because everyone involved makes rational decisions and nullifies the conflict.
  • Nezumi: Considering that the first creature that the Archivist examined took nearly half the word count, I was a little surprised that it didn’t really seem to play much into the story as a whole beyond giving the Archivist a reason to return to the specimen shelves and find the noise. In the end, I’m mostly just confused at the results of his studies or what the significance of the one insect trying to crawl out is. The imagery was great, I had an immediate mental picture of what the Archivist’s archive was like. I’m a sucker that sort of stuff.
  • Problem Attic: Reading a conversation between three people without dialog tags made it really easy to lose track of who was speaking. The one who was telling the story was usually easy enough to pick out once he started telling it, but I was frequently losing track of the other two participants. Taken in isolation with no previous investments or knowledge of the characters made it difficult to care overly much about what was going on between them. It had the same sort of importance that any overheard background conversation in a restaurant might, which is fitting because that’s essentially what it was.
  • Mike M: I’ve had this one on the backburner for the past several challenges, as it seems that we’ve been talking about doing a shorter writing period with flash fiction forever now. At first I’d wanted to have each story tangentially relate to the next with similar elements. It didn’t pan out, but there’re some vestiges left (i.e. the flame of the dragon followed by a shuttle burning up in reentry). I may rewrite this without regard to the word limit and see if I can’t punch it up and get that interlinking ideas back. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to get the line about trapping himself to not sound so ham-fisted.

Vote:
1. Nezumi
2. Cyan
3. MilkBeard
 

MilkBeard

Member
My picks:

1. Mike M: Endings Unending

2. Cyan: Beauty Ritual

3. FlowersisBritish: Tiger in the Box

Like usual, I had a hard time picking between some, and there are a few that could have made top three but I ultimately went with these choices. It was clear to me though that I liked Mike's story the most.

I'll have some comments after work, sometime tonight.

EDIT: Comments:

Mike: This is a lovely room of death. Or something like that. I thought the descriptions were well done, and each little piece of the story was well made, as short as they were. My only complaint is that I wanted to see more from some of the settings and it may have changed all too frequently, although this was indeed part of the plot itself, so it has a purpose.

Cyan: I really enjoyed how you played with certain ideas like beauty and intelligence, and the sacrifice of one for another. This carried the story for me, as the ending left me a little bit empty. I think I wanted to see more development of the main character and the relationship of which she briefly mentioned.

FlowersisBritish: This was a nice story, and I liked the reveal of what the box actually was. However, like Mike said, there wasn't enough there to make me feel compassion or understanding for the character's emotions.

Tangent: This was a cute story and I enjoyed the characterizations, although I feel it played out a little bit too predictably in the end. I enjoyed how the dog behaved similarly and could sit among the monks.

DumbNameD: I think this story has potential, but some of the descriptions were off, and the back story of the slug seemed unnecessary. I liked the twist at the end with the guy getting shot, and the 'rainbow colors' thing, although I didn't catch the horse race predictions until Mike pointed it out, so perhaps a little bit more there to clue that detail in would help.

Nezumi: I liked the visualization here, although I feel the first chunk of the story went a bit long, and with a bit of editing it may have placed in my top three.

Problem Attic: As Mike said, it's difficult to get a good visualization without much to help us about who's who, and who's talking. Later on I was confused about whether they were talking on the phone, or if they were all present, and the impact is lost because I couldn't get a sense for the characters without proper visualization.
 

mu cephei

Member
1. Mike M
2. Nezumi
3. Tangent

Endings Unending by Mike M - this was very satisfying! I did actually look to see if there were connections between them, it would be cool if there were. I thought the way they seemed to speed up (get shorter) worked well.

Beauty Ritual by Cyan - although I was rooting for her to make the right choice, it does sort of deflate the ending. It was a nice read but I guess there wasn't much conflict or mystery.

Drawers by Nezumi - this had a lovely methodical almost soothing feel to it. I enjoyed what (I thought) it was about, that there's something about living beings that can't be quantified.

Creatures of Habit by Problem Attic - I enjoyed this, but it was a little difficult to follow who was talking - three-way conversations are difficult even with dialogue tags! and it didn't seem entirely natural to me.

No Butt Sniffing During Tea Ceremony by Tangent - this was charming and generous and I love the humour.

Cellmates by MilkBeard - I thought the way they speak and interact was great, and how you convey their... mental instability. I found some of the descriptions a little confusing.

Slipping out by DumbNameD - some bits of this were really nice like the personalities and interaction of the slug and the man, but I thought too much was left up to the reader to work out or guess at.

Tiger in the Box by FlowersisBritish - I really loved the imagery and although I think maybe her fear of the proposal was supposed to be irrational with no evident grounding, it wasn't clear to me.
 

Yeef

Member
My votes:
1. Tangent - "No Butt Sniffing During Tea Ceremony"
2. FlowersisBritish - "Tiger in the Box"
3. Cyan - 'Beauty Ritual"
 
Thanks for the feedback all, unfortunately I won't be able to provide any before the deadline but here are my votes:

1. Mike M - Endings Unending
2. Nezumi - Drawers
3. Cyan - Beauty Ritual

As for my own story, I wanted to do something different and very raw. It is confusing, but I was hoping that would bring a little more charm to it. It was walking a fine line that seemed to have missed the mark, but I'm okay with that. I'll just have to reel it in a little better next time.
 

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Just as a heads up, whoever wins might want to extend the next deadline to a Tuesday or Wednesday instead of our usual Monday on account of the holidays and such. You don't have to, but we'll all probably beg for an extension anyways.


Some Comments
Dumbname Whelp that escalated quickly. Not sure if I understood the plot? So guy finds a magic slug that whose slime does magic rainbow onto winning horses and he bets it all (and loses?) then kills himself? In theory, I like this basic plot even if it's unclear. If I found a magic talking slug that said it could predict horses, I'd probably bet all in wrecklessly too. Diaglue was good in this and I like the slug's personality, especially that bit about the spiders.

Probelm Attic I recall saying something similar to another story of yours, but this would work great as a script. The dialogue here is very strong, and even though there are no dialogue tags, we can wrangle out a fair bit of information regarding the characters through it. So I commend you on that, but it's still ridiculously easy to lose track of who. That's why a script is great, gives you little names to the side.

Nezumi Wonderfully visual, but for some reason this just did not resonate with me.

Milk Beard normally not a fan of phonetics, but I'll be damned if you didn't make them work here. They ended up adding a lot to the characters. The story unfolded in a way I did not expect and in a direction I couldn't help but love (specifically how their imprisonment is entirely in their own minds).

Tangent I was reading a story the other day and couldn't help thinking "Man, I miss Tagnet's brand of whimsey." And lo and behold, some great whimsey. This was great, funny, really cute in a natural way that feels like its not really trying to be cute(unlike that story I read), and such a great title. Really enjoyed this.

Cyan This was neat. I really liked the general mechanics of the trial and even though the prices are vague at heart, you did a great job of describing them. Really loved the "To be more beautiful than friends you'll be dumber than friends" and the price for intelligence.

Mike I really love how this got progressively faster as presumably the time to death became quicker and his desire for just a minute to undo becomes more apparent. Adding little connections between lives is something I don't think is necessary but would probably help. Also that ending is terrible and so on the nose I think it broke mine.
 

Tangent

Member
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Milk Beard
3. Cyan
hm. MikeM

Hard to vote! So fun to read all your stories again! I dreaded the writing after a month, but missed reading your guys' entries. (I also like how they were short and sweet when I'm cram-reading!) I gotta go to bed for a very early start and a late ending tomorrow but if I can, I'll try to provide some feedback when I get home.
 

mu cephei

Member
It seems unusual to me for Cyan not to vote. But I'm going out later and won't be able to call the vote if I don't do it in the next 1 1/2 hours. I guess they have till then? It's way past time anyway.
 

Cyan

Banned
Sorry dudes, at work late last night and at work again now, not gonna be able to read. :(

Please go ahead without me.
 

Nezumi

Member
I guess that be better, I mean even if that means we'll be posting and reading over New Years, but I at least know that I'll have a lot more time then than over Christmas.
 
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