Royal_Flush
Member
Alucard - Goodbye God Girl: The title (or the term "God Girl" in general) is quite beautiful. I have literally nothing to criticize except one very small point: By how the beginning was written I was a bit thrown off that there was such a long time stretch covered after she had left. I expected the story to either end there or for her to visit him again. A small "almost a year ago" or something in the beginning would have done wonders here.
Cyan - Therapy: The calmness of the situation reflects really well in the style. I'm awaiting the hook in the second and third session
choodi - Unspoken thoughts of an angry man: This psychogram honestly didn't really touch me. I felt like the last three paragraphs are an unprompted 180; I would have expected some kind of trigger instead of him just doing his normal grumpy shtick. In itself, I liked the ending though.
Mike M - Seeing How the Other Side Lives: Cute. Is is a real story or just fiction?
Tangent - Recollections from the Bathtub: On a conceptual level I like the idea: Having the same day described from two vastly different perspectives. However, there was a lack of plot (both external and internal) which made it a not particular exciting read.
FlowersisBritish - Something Crawled into my Girlfriend's Ear: I hate it. I hate the way it made me scratch my ear in the beginning, I hate how it made me think about how much I would be convinced the fucking thing put eggs into my ear, I hate that this is one of the grossest violations of personal space I've ever read about. Great job, but fuck you!
Ashes - a major malfunction: A mind to be immortalized as AI? Or an AI gaining consciousness? It's beautiful but i probably would need an hour or more to grasp it.
mu cephei - DEATH: It's too clunky for poesy but too obscure to follow effortlessly. That puts it in an unlucky place in the middle where I would have to pay very close attention and actively think about what's going on but the act of reading it alone isn't enjoyable enough to put in the effort.
Nezumi - Dreams Inc.: What's Erhardt's endgame here? I see no way this plan, whatever it is, wouldn't backfire greatly. Also, there are literally infinite possibilities and they're asking for a permit to build a city? Why not just take over the world?
Royal_Flush - The Room: The idea for some reason came immediately this time. At first I planned to have an array of three (or more) rooms where Jared gets gradually more insane and Austin more uncomfortable. However, both word restrictions and the fact that I probably couldn't carry the suspense over the longer stretches made me decide against it. In retrospect the descent into madness is a too quick in this draft, but you can't cover all bases at once, can you? I'm honestly surprised about the beginning, it came out way better than I expected. I also feel it's one of the better dialogue sequences I've written (which doesn't mean it can't feel forced; dialogue seems to be my biggest weakness)
Cyan - Therapy: The calmness of the situation reflects really well in the style. I'm awaiting the hook in the second and third session
choodi - Unspoken thoughts of an angry man: This psychogram honestly didn't really touch me. I felt like the last three paragraphs are an unprompted 180; I would have expected some kind of trigger instead of him just doing his normal grumpy shtick. In itself, I liked the ending though.
Mike M - Seeing How the Other Side Lives: Cute. Is is a real story or just fiction?
Tangent - Recollections from the Bathtub: On a conceptual level I like the idea: Having the same day described from two vastly different perspectives. However, there was a lack of plot (both external and internal) which made it a not particular exciting read.
FlowersisBritish - Something Crawled into my Girlfriend's Ear: I hate it. I hate the way it made me scratch my ear in the beginning, I hate how it made me think about how much I would be convinced the fucking thing put eggs into my ear, I hate that this is one of the grossest violations of personal space I've ever read about. Great job, but fuck you!
<3
Ashes - a major malfunction: A mind to be immortalized as AI? Or an AI gaining consciousness? It's beautiful but i probably would need an hour or more to grasp it.
mu cephei - DEATH: It's too clunky for poesy but too obscure to follow effortlessly. That puts it in an unlucky place in the middle where I would have to pay very close attention and actively think about what's going on but the act of reading it alone isn't enjoyable enough to put in the effort.
Nezumi - Dreams Inc.: What's Erhardt's endgame here? I see no way this plan, whatever it is, wouldn't backfire greatly. Also, there are literally infinite possibilities and they're asking for a permit to build a city? Why not just take over the world?
Royal_Flush - The Room: The idea for some reason came immediately this time. At first I planned to have an array of three (or more) rooms where Jared gets gradually more insane and Austin more uncomfortable. However, both word restrictions and the fact that I probably couldn't carry the suspense over the longer stretches made me decide against it. In retrospect the descent into madness is a too quick in this draft, but you can't cover all bases at once, can you? I'm honestly surprised about the beginning, it came out way better than I expected. I also feel it's one of the better dialogue sequences I've written (which doesn't mean it can't feel forced; dialogue seems to be my biggest weakness)
1. Alucard - Goodbye God Girl.....................................................
2. FlowersisBritish - Something Crawled into my Girlfriend's Ear
3. Mike M - Seeing How the Other Side Lives.............................
2. FlowersisBritish - Something Crawled into my Girlfriend's Ear
3. Mike M - Seeing How the Other Side Lives.............................