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[PantherLotus]

On how to fit in no matter where you go
Know exactly what you are, and be very, very good at it.

The things you need to get a job:
1. Networking
2. Education
3. Experience

None of those are independent of the other, and work best when combined.

 

[Esperado]

Always wear a condom.
Eat your green vegetables.

 

[DanteFox]

"If you're good at something, never do it for free."

 

[Easy_G]

- buy a big jug of milk and a small carton of milk when grocery shopping and use the small carton to drink directly out of (girlfriend can't complain about it anymore, ha!)

That is amazing. I'll be doing that from now on.

In addition, when buying that milk, most people just run up to the milk fridge and grab the first milk in the row. Instead go for the ones in the back, if you can, since they'll have a later expiration date and less risk of it going bad later in the week.



A not so everyday tip: When designing a part that will be machined, there are two quick things to do that'll make it cheaper. First, if possible, base the thickness of any part on a readily available stock thickness piece of metal. That way the machinist won't have to waste time and money machining down a larger chunk of material. McMastercarr.com is a great place to check for material. Second, for holes and slots that don't have a predetermined diameter, pick one that matches the diameter of a standard drill bit. That way the machinist won't have to make multiple passes or sweeps and will only have one quick operation to do. There are charts available that give standard drill sizes. It's easy to often pick and even number for the dimension, such as 0.270, when in reality 0.272 inches will be cheaper since it is an actual drill bit size.

 

[dragonlife]

Make sure to drink plenty of water throughout the day. Unlike hunger, the first signs of thirst are bad and means you're already dehydrated.

 

[LuCkymoON]

When installing/screwing/nailing something into the walls, go into the studs not just the regular sheetrock. Chances are if not, whatever you installed will fall out.

or you could just use sheetrock anchors

 

[PantherLotus]

*for young bucks that like drugs*

If you're going to be stupid, be smart about it.

On how not to get caught
1. Never carry shit in your car.
2. Never let friends carry shit in your car.
3. If you do carry shit in your car, make sure your car is tip-top: lights, license plates, regulation tint, etc.

4. The last thing you want when carrying weight of any sort is attention. Loud music, rims, limo-tints, a car full of teens...amateurs.

5. If you're not doing anything wrong, you won't get caught. Keep your shit at home, have it brought to you, do it at home, stay at home. Nobody ever went to jail for smokin a d00b in their back yard.

6. If you're a kid, never keep your stash on your person or in your clothes and if you've been paying attention, DEFINITELY not in your car. The best place for most kids is under a lamp. Don't get lazy. Also, you're going to get caught by your parents. Minimize the damage by being smart about it. Don't even think about a bong. That shit is for pros without parents.

7. Perception is everything. Do you look like a druggie? You're not the only one who can tell.

8. If you get pulled over, turn your music down, keep your cool. They don't know you've done anything wrong until you prove it. You won't have been pulled over unless something was wrong though--either your car wasn't tip-top or you were drawing attention to yourself. So if you've gotten this far either you broke the rules or you have bad luck.

On how to have the best high
1. Drama is for kids. Pros relax.
2. The right music is essential.
3. Careful mixing and matching. Doin it wrong can be at best wasteful and at worst, extremely harmful.
4. That said, the right mix can make the best of both and stimulate the furthest reaches of your senses.
5. Be with friends or by yourself, but never use before unfriendly situations or worse yet, to cope with them.
6. Have everything you need before you start: papers, bills, food, drink, etc.

On how to come down from a trip
1. Orange Juice, quiet, friends.
2. If you're having a bad trip, get a safe candle out and light it in a safe area and focus on the flame and the void. You'll be okay.
3. Mushrooms are poison, it's ok that your stomach feels like it's going to explode.
4. If you need more than 2 hits, it's bad. 10-strips are out of the question.

For harder users
0. It really is just better for everybody if you never start.
1. The whole bit about "it'll never be better than the first time?" Bullshit. Just be careful trying to prove it.
2. Rocks glow under black light. So does lint, cracker crumbs, and certain carpet fuzz. Don't fuck up your pipe.
3. No needles, dipshit.
4. Have a hobby at the ready.
5. If you're doing it right, it won't last long, but you also won't enjoy it much.
6. If you're doing it wrong, you'll have a blast but won't be able to sleep for a few days. Don't plan on going to work.


There's more but it comes down to making the best of a series of horrible decisions.

 

[Steppenwolf]

some pro tops for taking a shit:

- always put toilet paper in the toilet before you take a shit. helps against your ass getting splashed with toilet water

- never push hard when you take a shit. it can cause you all kinds of nasty and super painfull anal diseases (hemorrhoids, fissures, abscess, anal thrombosis, fistula etc.)

 

[Fafnir]

21 Suggestions for Success by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.

2. Work at something you enjoy and that's worthy of your time and talent.

3. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

5. Be forgiving of yourself and others.

6. Be generous.

7. Have a grateful heart.

8. Persistence, persistence, persistence.

9. Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.

10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.

11. Commit yourself to constant improvement.

12. Commit yourself to quality.

13. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.

14. Be loyal.

15. Be honest.

16. Be a self-starter.

17. Be decisive even if it means you'll sometimes be wrong.

18. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life.

19. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.

20. Take good care of those you love.

21. Don't do anything that wouldn't make your Mom proud.

 

[Always-honest]

21 Suggestions for Success by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

i like em all except for: 4. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

those people scare me.

 

[roosters93]

Don't die.

If you're very tired and must wake up for a very important meeting or something, splash cold water on your genitalia.

:lol

 

[Tim the Wiz]

When in doubt, do the right thing.

When others are afraid, be confident.

Nothing is forever.

 

[Wes]

21 Suggestions for Success by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Nice. Subscribed.

 

[Mr. Spinnington]

when shopping for books in college, buy the one with all the notes and shit in it. trust me you will be thankful later when all the important shit has been written down for u instead of having to pen it in yourself in ur brand new textbook

sometimes they even write in or highlight all the important stuff the prof focuses on which saves u thr trouble of singling it out. easy as pie muddafugga

 

[Kritz]

Easily the most handy piece of information I have for emails:

Use the god damn winky face. You may not like it, but it will save your ass more times than you can count. Don't understand something? Winky face. Don't like something? Winky face. Failed to do something? Sadface followed by winky face.

 

[DanteFox]

when shopping for books in college, buy the one with all the notes and shit in it. trust me you will be thankful later when all the important shit has been written down for u instead of having to pen it in yourself in ur brand new textbook

sometimes they even write in or highlight all the important stuff the prof focuses on which saves u thr trouble of singling it out. easy as pie muddafugga

Mr. Spinnington
Graduated Magna Cum Laude in Butt Sniffing
(Today, 03:26 AM)
Reply | Quote

 

[Fjolle]

Spend less money than you earn.

Dont take relationship advises from gaf except when there's 50+ different posters begging you to follow one adwise :lol

 

[Mr. Spinnington]

Mr. Spinnington
Graduated Magna Cum Laude in Butt Sniffing
(Today, 03:26 AM)
Reply | Quote

ya like so hard

 

[Hitman]

Fuck why can't i get the microphone thing to work? Does it work with earbuds?

 

[Sword Familiar]

Make sure to drink plenty of water throughout the day. Unlike hunger, the first signs of thirst are bad and means you're already dehydrated.

Too much water will make you sick! Don't overdo it!

 

[jorma]

Don't slag off your friends girlfriend/boyfriend, no matter how much you dislike her. Keep that opinion to yourself. Not even if they broke up - they will probably get together again later but what you said you will never be able to take back.

 

[JimiNutz]

Make sure you laugh at least once during every hour that you are awake.
People that don't do this are taking life too seriously, and therefore probably have a lot of sand in their vagina.
Having sand in your vagina sucks.

 

[sleeping_dragon]

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

The 13 virtues used by Benjamin Franklin throughout his life which he listed in his Autobiography.

 

[Tubobutts]

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

The 13 virtues used by Benjamin Franklin throughout his life which he listed in his Autobiography.

wat?

 

[Blackface]

Pro Tip 2: Don't cum in a girls hair.

 

[prettyvacant77]

As a life long reader of Viz (UK comic), I've been blessed with a wealth of top tips :lol :lol

Some examples

• Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
• Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
• Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
• X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
• Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
• Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Loads more here.....

 

[Monocle]

Avoid boredom at all costs. It's an unpardonable waste of your finite life.

 

[Tieno]

I learned this one from a friend who went along with me on my trip to Japan visiting my brother
"Zaad van ne maat kan geen kwaad" (rough butchered translation: the seed of a friend does no harm)


Another one that I adhere to is to never buy something on credit, always save till you have the money. Only exceptions are a house or a car.

 

[Ikael]

It baffles me how people barely knows how to drink nowadays, so I may share it here as well:

- Firt of all, if you drink, drink with something on your stomach. Eat something to go along with your drink or after you have took a proper meal. The effects of the alcohol will be way slower, thus making you able to enjoy the night more and remember more clearly with whom you slept with the previous day.

- Try to dont mix different types of alcohol, you will get way more easily drunk that way and some of them when combined can really hurt your stomach (bailey's or any type of creamy alcohol + any type of heavily distilled alcohol = OUCH). Still, soft alcoholic drinks like beer or wine are less dangerous on that regard.

- If you need to get sober fast, drink water. Lots of it. And then urinate. "If you can drink it, you can piss it away". Alcohol is eliminated trought urine, and the more water you take, the less alcohool concentration you will have on your veins.

- The best way to solve a hangover is then again, to drink lot of water. The headache appears because of brain dehidratation, so it is better if you attack the source of the problem.

- If you are really, really wasted and need to puke but you cant, drink coffe with salt. Instant vomit assured.

 

[`Moe Joe.]

Always chew your food before you swallow. May sound babyish but I still see many people cough up crap because they mow it down. Plus too, the longer it takes for you to eat something; the fuller you feel afterwards. If you feel full, you don't eat as much; thus, preventing being overweight.

 

[Lynnfire]

When you purchase new things, dont be afraid to pay more for higher quality. Higher quality items generally do the job better and will last longer than lower quality items.



Friends are important. They can make or break your day. They are a huge source of joy and entertainment. Get good friends.



Be interesting ; be interested. People who are interested are interesting. You don't know how good it makes people feel when someone else is interested in them. Who knows what you might find in a person? Everyone has a lesson to teach.

 

[ghst]

When talking to some one, smile and use their name. They will like you more.

i think this only works on your side of the atlantic. it just seems slimey and weird over here, like you're either really desperate for me to like you, condescending as all hell or just trying convert me to your nutjob religion.

 

[avaya]

great thread.

i think this only works on your side of the atlantic. it just seems slimey and weird over here, like you're either really desperate for me to like you, condescending as all hell or just trying convert me to your nutjob religion.

depends how you do it.

 

[ghst]

great thread.



depends how you do it.

so when people are talking directly to you, and drop your name into a ellipses or something even though you're the only two people there, you don't find this a little...weird?

 

[slider]

so when people are talking directly to you, and drop your name into a ellipses or something even though you're the only two people there, you don't find this a little...weird?

I'd say the times it wouldn't be weird outweigh the times it would.

 

[avaya]

so when people are talking directly to you, and drop your name into a ellipses or something even though you're the only two people there, you don't find this a little...weird?

Depends on the context of the situation. Obviously constant name dropping is going to be weird, name dropping immediately after meeting and you're the only two people there - that is going to be weird but again if you are joking around it'll just feel natural.

I agree it probably works better in the US than over here, there is greater cynicism here.

 

[KidGalactus]

-When drawing the human face:

-Eyes: halfway down the head
-Nose: halfway between the eyes and chin
-Mouth: halfway between the nose and chin

-If you want to be a professional artist, be studious and be patient. Work hard and get better. About %30 of landing steady work is skill, %20 is who you know and %50 is luck.

-If you have reason to think someone's cheating on you confront but don't accuse. Don't get paranoid, but be wary: they might not be... but they probably are.

- On a related note: If you ever propose to a girl and she responds like "sssss...uuuuuh....well...", you may have made a terrible mistake.

- On another related note: If love hurts, you're doing it wrong

-Never judge troubled relationships by relationships from your past. Every relationship... even if similar is different, and if you look for problems from the past in your current relationship, there's a chance you can create them there. Even if they aren't there to begin with. Also, it's not fair to your partner.

-If spaghetti sauce, or any marinara is too bitter, just add some ketchup. It'll perk it right up.

-Manwich bold is a kickass pizza sauce. Especially with cheddar or jack as your cheese.

-Times change. People never do.



Got this one from GAF it's very-very true, so TAKE HEED:
-Life's too short to talk somebody into loving you. Think about it.

 

[SpeedingUptoStop]

"If you're good at something, never do it for free."

"Death does not wait for you to be ready! Death is not considerate, or fair!"

"You must become more than just a man in the mind of your opponent. "

"This is a world you'll never understand. And you always fear what you don't understand."

"Why do we fall, Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

"What was the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log? "

"Always mind your surroundings."

"Sometimes, truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

"If you want to kill a public servant Mr. Maroni, I recommend you buy American. "

"Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy."

"You're unlikely to discover this for yourself, so take my word, the police commissioner gets a lot of threats. I found the appropriate response to these situations a long time ago."
[pulls out a bottle of whiskey and glass]

"Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos."

 

[Brobzoid]

i agree that titty fucking is overrated. If you are stuck in a relationship with a small breasted girl/trap, do not stress too much about what you are missing out on.

However, a good thigh fucking can do wonders. Although most girls don't really know what they should be doing during such an activity

Spoiler

, unless they're russian.

 

[Particle Physicist]

Don't keep your wallet in your back pocket. At least don't sit down on it.

why? i do this.

 

[Dracula]

Five years from today you will be the exactly the same, except for the people you meet, and the books you read.

 

[Magik]

Where is that gif from? :O

 

[I_D]

If you're a few-year college student like I am, chances are your alcohol tolerance is at a record high.
If you're like me, it's rather annoying. Unless you're in a frat, you've already learned that going to parties with the intention of getting drunk is lame, so you purchase your own liquor.
It's really damn annoying having to buy three times as much alcohol to get drunk, compared to your freshman year.



Simple solution:
Run a mile or so before you drink.
You'll sweat out lots of water, and your blood will be pumping nice as fast. This will allow you to drink much less and still get very drunk (very fast).

Just make sure you drink a cup or two of water once you become drunk, or else you won't have enough water in your system to prevent a hangover.

 

[Dedalus]

Sun-Tzus The Art of War

Really a fascinating collection of "pro-tips". You can apply this to almost any aspect of your life. A battle becomes a job interview, the enemy becomes your prospective employers, victory becomes you getting the raise etc etc. Some stuff is obviously contextual when it refers to Chinese philosophies or sovereignty. It is quite clearly poetry in some passages, which is what makes it such a profound read. Really, if you fancy some self-assessement, give that a read and tell me how you do

Some of my favourites:

All warfare is based on deception.

Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable;
when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we
are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away;
when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder,
and crush him.

Hence to fight and conquer in all your battles
is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists
in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.

Thus we may know that there are five essentials
for victory:
(1) He will win who knows when to fight and when
not to fight.
(2) He will win who knows how to handle both superior
and inferior forces.
(3) He will win whose army is animated by the same
spirit throughout all its ranks.
(4) He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take
the enemy unprepared.
(5) He will win who has military capacity and is
not interfered with by the sovereign.

Security against defeat implies defensive tactics;
ability to defeat the enemy means taking the offensive.

Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient
strength; attacking, a superabundance of strength.

To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength;
to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight;
to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear.

And if you only read one quote, read this:

What the ancients called a clever fighter is
one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease.

Hence his victories bring him neither reputation
for wisdom nor credit for courage.

He wins his battles by making no mistakes.
Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty
of victory, for it means conquering an enemy that is
already defeated.

Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into
a position which makes defeat impossible, and does
not miss the moment for defeating the enemy.

Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist
only seeks battle after the victory has been won,
whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights
and afterwards looks for victory.

 

[layzie1989]

No matter how happy and well you think someone is, it can end for them at any moment. One of my friends killed himself 2 nights ago, and he seemed to have everything going for him.

 

[Deleted member 22576]

If you want to make popcorn that isn't 60% salt and shitty butter, but still want the convenience of microwaving it.. buy some small brown lunch bags and a jar of kernals.

Just poor the kernals into a bag and fold the end shut, then microwave it like normal.

Tada! Normal popcorn that has been microwaved.

 

[Ace 8095]

Almost everything you've ever been told about fitness and nutrition are less than accurate.

1. There is not one good scientific study to prove that saturated fats are bad for you. If you cut back on fats you are more likely to gain weight than lose it.

2. Machines are always less efficient than free weights.

3. You cannot spot reduce fat; sit ups will not help you lose your love handles.

4. Swiss balls will do little to strengthen your core and much to make you look stupid.

5. Everyone should squat heavy, below parallel, and often.

 

[Mr.Squirrel]

Pro tip:

If you masturbate, don't let it get on a white t-shirt. It leaves a weird yellowish stain that's not very easy to explain if someone's doing your laundry for you.

 

[titiklabingapat]

I knew about OP

my contribution:
"Titi fucking" is NOT fun. its Porn Mythology

The 4 hours session last night begs to differ!

 

[Nino]

Awesome thread, read every post and took most of them to heart, thanks guys. I'll post some of mine later when I can think of some useful ones.

edit; the one that just popped into my head and I use almost every single day;

- be honest when someone asks for your opinion and don't give out compliments just for the sake of being nice, when you actually do give out a genuine heartfelt compliment people will respect it way more.