Alligatorjandro
Banned
Sounds like she's trying to rub it in a little bit
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Relationship is over and where do I go from here
- Thread starter mooooose
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Solideliquid
Member
Also, it appears that women sometimes break up with you in their heads and mourn the relationship long before they actually break up with you. Thus, it appears to be a sudden event and you are totally surprised by her actions. This is just a way many women behave and are emotionally programmed by society. I've been there.
The relationship has been over for a while mentally for her. She's been waiting to break up with you, and when she was ready, she did it. You need to learn from this, and move on. It's important to pick up this skill, of being able to "read" the status of your relationships and act accordingly when you suspect your partner is becoming unhappy.
Castor Krieg
Banned
That was before she realized how emotionally abusive you were. Probably good for both of you.
Continue with therapy.
Remember your mistakes, do not repeat them again.
Hopefully things will turn out ok.
I bet you doing it once will not change their opinion about you, that is not how people work. If you treated their daughter like you did they will most likely never forgive you. Do nice things for them and do not bother them again.
SmackDaddy
Member
I wish you realized how idiotic it sounds to wish you died then lived with this.
Isn't there anything sweet about knowing how deeply this person affected you? Don't you think you'll be stronger when you get through this? Isn't the possibility of finding someone new that makes you feel as good if not better exciting, or learning to do this for yourself? I'm tlaking about pounding off with that last question
Isn't there anything sweet about knowing how deeply this person affected you? Don't you think you'll be stronger when you get through this? Isn't the possibility of finding someone new that makes you feel as good if not better exciting, or learning to do this for yourself? I'm tlaking about pounding off with that last question
Her attention isn't important. I love her company and many of her attributes. I enjoy talking to her more than anyone else. I look into her eyes and don't want to fall asleep, which I can't say for many people.
I know. The two overlap in time and some emotion but I am very much depressed in general. My life is pretty shitty. My only solace is that for whatever reason I'm still here, even if I'm suffering.
Thanks, it means a lot.don't think like that, things will get better.
Man, i wish i could give you a hug.
She contacted me multiple times even though I told her not to. I can't understand why.
I want to but she gave me some of my favorite games, like Kid Icarus (as recent as May) and Mario Galaxy 2. I still like these games and want to play them and enjoy playing them but the memories bring me down.
That sounds horrible, I'm sorry. Have you dated since? What happened to her?
maquiladora
Member
This is absolutely true.
I don't want to meet someone because I'm scared of being codependent like I was. It was clearly unhealthy the way it was. I don't want to just fill a void in my life and call it a day, even if I like the person I feel like it is not fair. I hate myself and hated myself before and during my relationship. I don't want to subject someone else to that.
This is what happened last November. I didn't read the signs, we broke up, but she got back together with me a month later because she said she missed me. I didn't realize how unhappy she was. She was unhappy most of our relationship, and so was I. I was unhappy before it and I think she was too though. Just assumed it was the kind of people we were. I also didn't realize how my unhappiness was making me act (ie not normal).
Castor Krieg
Banned
I would say nobody is "cut out for it". If a woman persists she either has low self-esteem, or some other underlying issues.
Men need to realize they are not God-given prize to women. Treat her as you want to be treated or GTFO.
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
Like I said, I am trying to move on since. I blocked her from everything: phone, facebook, and everything else.
I don't care about what happened to her anymore. This may sound extreme and horrible, but frankly speaking I wouldn't even care if she gets hit by a fucking truck right in front of me.
Yes, it takes time to heal, but that process won't begin unless you begin it yourself.
Even though I love my ex, this is how I feel. I feel guilty because she sent me a loving text last night about how I will make a great boyfriend and she is sorry it didn't work and looking back makes her sad... I don't share that sentiment.
I'm literally the chorus of the Drake/2Chainz song. The fuck you unless I'm with you. Is that selfish? Immature? I can't cope with the feeling that I'm being unfair. I really do not care about her well being because thinking about her hurts. I'm completely indifferent. I want to erase her.
No not really. Not at all actually. Plenty of people just ignore it or whatever. Not everyone was blessed growing up like Beaver Cleaver. She has every right to not tolerate it. And he has every right to change. But right now its part of who he is and how he deals with things. No sense in being with someone who takes it personally. He crushed her and that's that, relationship over.
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
Then do it! Erase her! Block her text, phone, facebook, instant message, everything! If she tries to contact you in any way, shape, or form, ignore her! As far as you are concerned, assume that girl is no longer exist in this world! No that is not selfish or immature, it's normal to feel that about someone who has hurt you greatly. Make that "hatred" as energy to move on! Make her sorry that she decided to end things with you! Be a better person from when you were with her! Be a better person for a new, better girl!
The worst thing you can do right now is punishing yourself. Don't do that. Go to a gym, work out, flirt with someone else, start anew!
GotEmRunnin
Member
mooooose remember this friend. Love is a two way street. She's probably more or less just as hurt as you. From what I've read of your post it sounds like she's searching for something and instead of looking in herself to find it she was looking for that "something" from you. Unfortunately it's something that you can't provide her. So she has moved on to this other guy and as time goes on she is starting to see he can't provide it either. He simply said the right things at the right time and that was enough for her. In the end until She can be happy with herself she'll never be happy. That's with you, him, or whoever else.
Kudos to you though for expressing yourself. To many guys try to bottle up their feelings and tackle this kind of stuff on their own, and that is never healthy.
Kudos to you though for expressing yourself. To many guys try to bottle up their feelings and tackle this kind of stuff on their own, and that is never healthy.
Last Friday when I said we shouldn't talk because she started dating this guy, I lost my appetite for a couple days. I have no desire to eat again. This fucking sucks. The idea of eating makes me sick.
I can't express enough how awesome GAF is. You guys are honestly the best. I feel bad because I keep bumping this thread to the frontpage and it feels like it's unimportant and it's basically a livejournal but hearing what you guys have to say helps makes sense out of nonsense and just writing out everything helps me a lot. I feel a little relieved each time. I'm honestly making a lot of progress and these are just setbacks. This Summer I lost 15 pounds, got into therapy, rekindled family relationships, and I'm starting a new school this fall. On the other hand I crashed my car, lost my job, lost my girlfriend, and some of those rekindling of family relationships were met with failure and resentment, but whatever. All that stuff makes me very unhappy but I know I must be strong because I'm still here and the urge to end my life isn't completely horrible.
I can't express enough how awesome GAF is. You guys are honestly the best. I feel bad because I keep bumping this thread to the frontpage and it feels like it's unimportant and it's basically a livejournal but hearing what you guys have to say helps makes sense out of nonsense and just writing out everything helps me a lot. I feel a little relieved each time. I'm honestly making a lot of progress and these are just setbacks. This Summer I lost 15 pounds, got into therapy, rekindled family relationships, and I'm starting a new school this fall. On the other hand I crashed my car, lost my job, lost my girlfriend, and some of those rekindling of family relationships were met with failure and resentment, but whatever. All that stuff makes me very unhappy but I know I must be strong because I'm still here and the urge to end my life isn't completely horrible.
maquiladora
Member
There could be different reasons why she contacted you. That could range from selfish reasons to simply checking in to see if you're doing okay. It's best not to rack your brains thinking about why. Because it doesn't matter, she has already moved on.
'The memories bring me down' is exactly why you shouldn't have these things around. If you can't bring yourself to sell them or give them away then at least put them in a box and put that somewhere out of sight until you're feeling much better, in the future the memories won't be as strong or hurtful and you could enjoy them again.
malingenie
Member
And for the love of that is good in this planet, keep going to therapy.
GotEmRunnin
Member
When I got married 10 years ago, the wife and I had marriage counseling and he gave us some pretty good advice that I'll pass on to you right now.
maquiladora
Member
Thats awesome man. There are lots of things in life that you can't control, but plenty of things you can control and it sounds like you're doing a good job of that right now. Losing weight and getting into shape will make you feel refreshed and more confident and you'll be meeting new people in the fall.
^Clears throat... "My MAN!"
My situation is so similar to yours it actually freaked me out reading it. The main difference is, I've had zero contact with her since July 4th. She deleted her facebook ( not block me, deleted it completely ) changed her number... She won't respond to anything and the most painful thing is that my 6 year old son loved her to death. I haven't been strong enough to tell him without breaking down crying. He asks about her all the time, everytime I'm on the phone, everytime we watch a movie. She was such an important part of his life that I feel so bad for him.
She also has an OKcupid profile and I've tried messaging her on there, all I wanted was answers...everything was fine July 3rd then on the 4th BOOM - everything was blown up. I went through a very very hard depression. I called into work 8 days in a row to the point I almost lost my job. I locked myself in my bedroom, didn't see my son for 3 weeks straight, I lived on Ambien and never ate. I would take a Ambien, sleep..wake up and take another one...I did this for a week straight. I also became so depressed that I was going to take my life, I hated myself for getting so sad that my son didn't even matter enough. I was in therapy before all of this started and was taking Lexapro. I've since switched to Celexa to help with the depression. I did tell my therapist about being suicidal...but that I'm working on getting back to normal.
I lost 45 pounds from Memorial day to current. Its nice to lose that weight...but I'm starting to look very very sick to the point I'm getting comments from the office. I refused to listen to music for awhile and avoided certain movies...I used to look at her okcupid profile everyday...but now I go longer and longer without looking at it. I used to email her daily but now I'm going longer and longer without doing so.
What I realized is that she doesn't care about me anymore and yes I would love answers on WHY...but I can't force those answers and I prob never get them anyways...
I tried having sex and hanging out with different girls...its what I've done before to get over someone...but its not working...
Since we broke up, I've been in two car wrecks, had my car broke into, my fuel pump went out on my car....I've been beaten down completely...but I'm starting to get better finally..I'm laughing more...as you can see from the video below...I'm trying move to get back to the old Michael that I used to be...but maybe just a tad bit wiser.
I actually made a video that was inspired from a blog I read on breakup tips.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsgfec_michael-s-breakup-tips_fun
Hope you guys like the video...I made it all out of fun and something to make me at least laugh...
She also has an OKcupid profile and I've tried messaging her on there, all I wanted was answers...everything was fine July 3rd then on the 4th BOOM - everything was blown up. I went through a very very hard depression. I called into work 8 days in a row to the point I almost lost my job. I locked myself in my bedroom, didn't see my son for 3 weeks straight, I lived on Ambien and never ate. I would take a Ambien, sleep..wake up and take another one...I did this for a week straight. I also became so depressed that I was going to take my life, I hated myself for getting so sad that my son didn't even matter enough. I was in therapy before all of this started and was taking Lexapro. I've since switched to Celexa to help with the depression. I did tell my therapist about being suicidal...but that I'm working on getting back to normal.
I lost 45 pounds from Memorial day to current. Its nice to lose that weight...but I'm starting to look very very sick to the point I'm getting comments from the office. I refused to listen to music for awhile and avoided certain movies...I used to look at her okcupid profile everyday...but now I go longer and longer without looking at it. I used to email her daily but now I'm going longer and longer without doing so.
What I realized is that she doesn't care about me anymore and yes I would love answers on WHY...but I can't force those answers and I prob never get them anyways...
I tried having sex and hanging out with different girls...its what I've done before to get over someone...but its not working...
Since we broke up, I've been in two car wrecks, had my car broke into, my fuel pump went out on my car....I've been beaten down completely...but I'm starting to get better finally..I'm laughing more...as you can see from the video below...I'm trying move to get back to the old Michael that I used to be...but maybe just a tad bit wiser.
I actually made a video that was inspired from a blog I read on breakup tips.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsgfec_michael-s-breakup-tips_fun
Hope you guys like the video...I made it all out of fun and something to make me at least laugh...
You are still giving her everything. You are dwelling on her and letting it affect you physically and psychologically.
Time to cut those ties and focus all of your energy into something else. I suggest you focus on something very physical that has end goals. Like training for a race, or taking up BJJ and doing tournaments. Most importantly, what ever you do should be for yourself.
Good luck.
^^^ That all sounds completely horrible. I'm so sorry dude. We will make it through this. For your son, you need to make it through.
Your video is awesome and funny. You seem like a cool guy. I wish I could chill with GAF irl.
I think my ex would talk to me but wouldn't get back together with me, even if she wanted to, because her parents detest me. Knowing that makes me kinda want to talk to her but at the same time it reminds me that she doesn't care. If she cared, we'd work through this. Right? This is the question I need answered. All the emotional abuse stuff... it clouds my judgment. I don't know HOW to feel sometimes. If what I'm thinking is right.
BJJ is something I always wanted to do. I think I will.
Your video is awesome and funny. You seem like a cool guy. I wish I could chill with GAF irl.
I think my ex would talk to me but wouldn't get back together with me, even if she wanted to, because her parents detest me. Knowing that makes me kinda want to talk to her but at the same time it reminds me that she doesn't care. If she cared, we'd work through this. Right? This is the question I need answered. All the emotional abuse stuff... it clouds my judgment. I don't know HOW to feel sometimes. If what I'm thinking is right.
BJJ is something I always wanted to do. I think I will.
maquiladora
Member
It's MUCH MUCH easier to get over a nasty comment, one that was said in anger and not indicative of your feelings and heart for someone, than completely change who you are. If you're otherwise a good person and a loving and caring mate, then stop punishing yourself. Nevermind that, you're actually putting effort into changing, which is admirable. I have a female friend who has a truck driver mouth. I have one too. She lets it fly and so do I. I don't judge her for it, even when directed at me.
I quoted Banana's post for good reason. Forget your ex. Get mad, get motivated.
That does make sense. It's not even necessarily being in a relationship either, but strong infatuation with someone. If a girl is more interested in someone else I will just move on. I have no interest in competing with others anymore. There really are plenty more fish in the sea. At the time you seem to forget that.
OP, your posts have made an impression. GAF can be harsh, but I think it's good that you've recognized some changes within yourself that you want to make. I commend you for that self-honesty. I don't usually comment on these threads but here we go:
The feeling that you gave her everything is an issue. It's a ticking time bomb - the first mistake your partner makes causes an explosion, as we saw. In future relationships, try spending time/energy on the person to the extent that you enjoy it and no further. (Of course, if your partner is going through a tough time, then go an extra mile or two.) But never reach a point where you feel you're constantly "giving" time/energy/money. It just leads to "Oh, she'll pay me back by _____. She owes me for at least that much!" And these reference points just lead to unreasonable, unspoken, and growing expectations. Find someone else who doesn't make you feel that way. When you do, both people will feel like they've received, rather than given.
If I had to guess, she started moving on after the relationship ended. You are just starting now. Do not be surprised that you're in different emotional states. Give it at least two months of no contact. Fill the time with new activities. Go on a road trip.
On that note, you should keep posting on GAF if you want to. It sounds like you are in a position with relatively little support, as you'd let friendships fade. If she's reasonable, she'll read your last few posts and stop contacting you. If she doesn't, definitely block her number and pretend she doesn't read GAF.
On that note, hopefully you now understand some of the benefits of friendships outside of a relationship. They're crucial. Don't let them go next time, make time for them. They'll also help make sure you don't "give" too much time with your future partners. Find groups dedicated to activities you enjoy, say at meetup.com. Don't go there to meet girls, or even with the vague intention of meeting girls. Go there to enjoy the activity and make friends with similar interests. Check groupon.com daily and sign up for classes in something new - sculpture, ballet, juggling, sailing, whatever. Maybe meditation classes.
Make a list of the warning signs while they're still fresh, both within yourself and in this girl. In my experience, overly attached emotional dependence is the precursor to emotional abuse. An independent person does not let the other emotionally abuse them for long. For example, don't date people who don't have substantial goals in life. They will naturally cling to you (once you have other things going on) and you may be tempted to cling back. I believe this is a bad outcome in the long run. To recap, my advice would be:
1. Find your goals in life, outside of "meet the girl for me"
2. Find someone with similar goals in life, or at least non-conflicting goals.
3. Enjoy your time together. Support each other in your similar goals.
This entire ordeal will take a while to get over. Time will ease the wounds regardless of what you do. But don't let this opportunity pass. Recognize that this is life communicating to you that your old path was unsustainable.
Reflect on the parts of your self that contributed to this outcome, erring on the side of "I was at fault". Use the pain (later, the memory of pain) as a reinforcement mechanism to ingrain the dangers of emotional abuse. She is gone, but so are you. If you embrace inner-change, you will (slowly) be replaced by a more mature, balanced individual. Let the past wash over these mistakes, and don't make them again. We don't get that many chances in this arena. Good luck!
LiquidMetal14
hide your water-based mammals
Quite the roller coaster there mooooooooooooooooose.
I can sympathize as I'm human and have hurt in similar ways.
As they say, breaking up is hard to do. The reality of things isn't fairy tale or textbook like movies or other stories have lead you to believe. Any long lasting relationship will have growth and if that thrives, maybe marriage and lifelong companionship. In most cases, signs of drought or general unhappiness creep up and as some have noted, the writings are on the wall a bit before the actual separation happens. The key thing is to be honest with yourself and, again, it's hard but people need to be honest with themselves.
I can understand a married couple sticking together for the kids sake but if it's an unhappy relationship, you need to cut it off.
These are thing I'm taking away and you have obviously acknowledged since your initial posting.
Now that we've established that, here we are in your current shape. She's obviously moved on but for some reason is still trying to contact you in minor ways. It's best for you and her to segregate completely. I'm a little disapointed in her sort of teasing you in wanting contact BUT remember, you quarted this kind of interaction based on what you said in this thread. You CANNOT just be friends. It's awkward and frankly unfair to the new partner she meets. The last thing you or anyone wants is to find someone they have a great balance with but have them or their ex throwing wrenches in the operation.
In your current form, you are basically recovering but have not taken enough steps to be at the right point in the breakup process. It's nice that she reads this but please, don't make this some oddball communication method. Especially if you try and say something nice or have it in your head that saying something here will bring some spark back. If by chance you are thinking like that, you need help. I don't think you are but God help you if you are.
Now is the time to re-balance your life with the people that were there before you met this significant other. You have family, friends, the hookers on the corner of the road (kidding, maybe). I'm sure you play games and have recreation in your life. Come into some voice comms on mumble. Put yourself out there and fill that social void. Reconnect and cleanse your mind.
It's a little bit frustrating to see you spill your personal details on this forum but I understand the need to vent and look for some form of comfort. The only issue is that we don't know you and are trying to give you generalized advice based on our own experiences.
Your anger issues and other insecurities need some dissecting. People get mad and personalities are like the rainbow in spectrum. I don't excuse anyone for being mean to others unless something significant warrants such actions. You're an adult and you need to play the part.
On a side note, the real hurt is not even from the OP's but from the parent of the 6 year old and a couple of other notable tales. OP, your tale is small time in the hurt compared to that. Put that in perspective. I will leave it at that but don't take my words personally
I can sympathize as I'm human and have hurt in similar ways.
As they say, breaking up is hard to do. The reality of things isn't fairy tale or textbook like movies or other stories have lead you to believe. Any long lasting relationship will have growth and if that thrives, maybe marriage and lifelong companionship. In most cases, signs of drought or general unhappiness creep up and as some have noted, the writings are on the wall a bit before the actual separation happens. The key thing is to be honest with yourself and, again, it's hard but people need to be honest with themselves.
I can understand a married couple sticking together for the kids sake but if it's an unhappy relationship, you need to cut it off.
These are thing I'm taking away and you have obviously acknowledged since your initial posting.
Now that we've established that, here we are in your current shape. She's obviously moved on but for some reason is still trying to contact you in minor ways. It's best for you and her to segregate completely. I'm a little disapointed in her sort of teasing you in wanting contact BUT remember, you quarted this kind of interaction based on what you said in this thread. You CANNOT just be friends. It's awkward and frankly unfair to the new partner she meets. The last thing you or anyone wants is to find someone they have a great balance with but have them or their ex throwing wrenches in the operation.
In your current form, you are basically recovering but have not taken enough steps to be at the right point in the breakup process. It's nice that she reads this but please, don't make this some oddball communication method. Especially if you try and say something nice or have it in your head that saying something here will bring some spark back. If by chance you are thinking like that, you need help. I don't think you are but God help you if you are.
Now is the time to re-balance your life with the people that were there before you met this significant other. You have family, friends, the hookers on the corner of the road (kidding, maybe). I'm sure you play games and have recreation in your life. Come into some voice comms on mumble. Put yourself out there and fill that social void. Reconnect and cleanse your mind.
It's a little bit frustrating to see you spill your personal details on this forum but I understand the need to vent and look for some form of comfort. The only issue is that we don't know you and are trying to give you generalized advice based on our own experiences.
Your anger issues and other insecurities need some dissecting. People get mad and personalities are like the rainbow in spectrum. I don't excuse anyone for being mean to others unless something significant warrants such actions. You're an adult and you need to play the part.
On a side note, the real hurt is not even from the OP's but from the parent of the 6 year old and a couple of other notable tales. OP, your tale is small time in the hurt compared to that. Put that in perspective. I will leave it at that but don't take my words personally
So, she's reading this thread, right? You know this.
Any chance you're just using this thread as a one-way communications channel to her? You are not going to convince her to get back with you by writing down a few sappy lines trying to tug on her heartstrings. Sorry for the blunt language.
I'm not sure those are actually your intentions, but airing out your deepest feelings and thoughts of suicide in a public forum like this that you know she's going to read is reason enough to cast a little doubt. I mean no offense.
You got dumped, it happens. I really feel for you, but you'll get through this. Everyone does.
If you really want her back, dial back the self-pity and put in effort to change the things that caused the breakup. Show her that you have changed, show her that you have become a better man.
Any chance you're just using this thread as a one-way communications channel to her? You are not going to convince her to get back with you by writing down a few sappy lines trying to tug on her heartstrings. Sorry for the blunt language.
I'm not sure those are actually your intentions, but airing out your deepest feelings and thoughts of suicide in a public forum like this that you know she's going to read is reason enough to cast a little doubt. I mean no offense.
You got dumped, it happens. I really feel for you, but you'll get through this. Everyone does.
If you really want her back, dial back the self-pity and put in effort to change the things that caused the breakup. Show her that you have changed, show her that you have become a better man.
LiquidMetal14
hide your water-based mammals
What he needs is to shake the "want you back" thing. Nothing healthy has come from that nor is it worth it for her to be with someone who is verbally abusive. Now, that's not to take a dump on mooooooooose but I think he knows what I mean.
But right now, there is not hope, no spark and this thread should be his avenue to somehow try and ignite something. It's mentally draining to have to draw this out for him but the TC should heed these words and have moved on a bit ago. That's including blocking all contact. Not checking the phone every few hours to see if she's posted something on twitter or texted. The moving on process should be well under way but he's only set himself up for more hurt.
I wouldn't advise the IF card. Your other advice was pretty sound though, earlier in the thread.
No. I hope she DOESN'T read this. I only have a handful of people in my life who can offer me advice that I can take seriously and GAF has been very helpful. I was annoyed when I found out she read this because I felt violated and isolated, like I had no one to talk to. I've been on GAF since I was 13 in 2005, and I felt like she took that away.
LiquidMetal14
hide your water-based mammals
Sooooooooooooo
Let me get this straight
She took your Gaf-ginity away?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry, need a little humor injection here
LiquidMetal14
hide your water-based mammals
I agree but as they say, once it's on the internet, it's fair game. You will learn from this. Next time. Come talk it out on mumble or PM. Try not and put out too much info. You'll be alright.
malingenie
Member
On a side note, the real hurt is not even from the OP's but from the parent of the 6 year old and a couple of other notable tales. OP, your tale is small time in the hurt compared to that. Put that in perspective. I will leave it at that but don't take my words personally
I don't want to come out as a prick, but I don't believe in comparing peoples' hurt. If there is something that is essentially idiosyncratic it's feelings. You can't experience what others are feeling and it is a function of everything from neurotransmitters to society.
In a lighter note, I pictured your avatar in your stomach.
VelvetMouth
Member
The fact that you think you deserve her for whatever you did shows that you need to do a lot more work on yourself before you are ready for a relationship. Her parents are doing her a favor by helping her get away from you because even in this thread the way you stalk her and talk about her it's clear that you think she's a thing that you own and deserve to have. Love does not work that way. You can't force and manipulate your way into getting back with her but that's exactly what you're trying to do.
Mengy
wishes it were bannable to say mean things about Marvel
100% true. Women are strategic like that, and if you don't catch the signs early then you have very little chance to save it.
Your job now is to heal, get stronger, and move on with your life. And while it might be hard to do it, no contact with her is truly the best path to doing so. Believe me, I've been there. In time you two might become friends, but not now. You aren't ready nor are you strong enough for that. Take time to heal, truly heal, and better yourself so you don't do the same thing with the next girl.
Ah first loves...it's perfectly normal to experience every emotion possible from intense hatred to unending sadness and while you'll gain more perspective as you age there will always be something special about your first love simply because of the newness factor. Like that first truly great video game you ever played.
My advice is for the future...I was similar to you and the second time I thought I was "in love" I overcompensated and let her totally walk all over me. Be careful about that too. The good news is that these experiences gave me a strong sense of self and what I really want in a woman. By the time I found my "true love" I was astounded how much better it is to be in a true relationship that it made me realize my previous "loves" were more obsessions and I wasn't really in love at all.
I know that feeling is completely insane and wrong. I talked about it in therapy. I was just being honest in the thread. I shouldn't be judged for being honest. And I don't stalk her I checked her profiles a couple times because she is someone I love and I wanted to see how she is doing. I never commented my opinion on what she is doing to the thread (maybe once or twice) and I've never said it to her. I broke off all contact with her. Her parents are short sighted and controlling, I'm the one keeping a cool head. I will take responsibility for being dependent and in the past controlling but I've done nothing to manipulate her since. Do I feel her love is owed to me? Sometimes. Honestly i do sometimes. In the past i would have convinced myself it was without a thought. But in the last month I learned it isn't, why it isn't, what is healthy, what isn't, etc. eventually I will not have those thoughts for her or anyone. So fuck you for judging me and only seeing what you want to see. I am maturing and will be great.
PumpkinPie
Banned
I wrote earlier in the thread about my ex from 6 years ago who I haven't moved on from. I spoke to her last week or so and we ended up discussing life lessons e.g. taking chances, missed opportunities and living with regrets. She also told me "people are important" and said to never lose sight of that.
So, that discussion led to me writing a four-page letter about everything. In very simple terms I basically say this is me taking my chance, that she is important to me, and that I can't keep living with a cloud over my head because of this. I need to tell her the truth, whether it fucks up whatever friendship we have left.
I'm keeping the letter for a few months, and if I still feel the same I'll go ahead and send it.
So, that discussion led to me writing a four-page letter about everything. In very simple terms I basically say this is me taking my chance, that she is important to me, and that I can't keep living with a cloud over my head because of this. I need to tell her the truth, whether it fucks up whatever friendship we have left.
I'm keeping the letter for a few months, and if I still feel the same I'll go ahead and send it.
I don't even know what to say. You keep in contact with her? Why?
PumpkinPie
Banned
I don't really keep in contact with her, we hadn't spoken for years before last week. It's hard to explain... she's the only person I could ever speak to, or have ever spoken to properly.
The letter isn't me asking her to try again, it's just me telling the truth about what happened.
maquiladora
Member
Holy...
This is the worst advice but it's far from the first time I've heard it. If you're good to someone, you better have expectations of them. High expectations. No cheating, no playing the field, talking it out after an argument. This is how things work in the long term. If either one of my parents checked out after a fight, they'd have gotten divorced years ago. There's a reason the divorce rate is so high, and this is it. I can't imagine any commitment in this world working past 2 years without expectations and discussions.
If a fight ends the relationship, it's time to meet someone else, period. If my time and energy mean nothing, and they officially check out and don't have the courage to discuss, then that's IT. No tears, no games, no pining and depression. Flirt, meet someone, and flaunt her. If someone leaves you, and isn't willing to talk it out, it's a very clear way of saying you're not good enough. That doesn't fly with me.
It's funny how when I was mopey and blamed myself for things how I always got treated poorly. But the second my expectations went way up, I got treated better and my friendships and relationships became more solid.
So you flew off the handle. That sucks. And she dumped you and you're depressed. That sucks too. But whatever. You did and you can't change it now and she's not budging. What can you do? I'll tell you what, nothing, at least in terms of that relationship. It's great to work on yourself, but don't let anyone ever tell you you're all in the wrong. Anger has a purpose but it's not with yourself (that can easily become a bottomless pit). Get mad and find a new lady.
AMEN.
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