Vincent Grayson
Member
To be fair, you're not going to meet a lot of people thrilled about the prospect of moving their SO's family in with them in the future.
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Relationship of 8 years: stay or go.
- Thread starter Hydrogen Bluebird
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To be fair, you're not going to meet a lot of people thrilled about the prospect of moving their SO's family in with them in the future.
MrChocolate
Member
Sorry if I trim over most of your post OP, but I have a looot of experience on the bit I just bolded.
DONT
DO
THIS.
My father was in the very same position as you. He took care of gramps and granny. But, he also took care of his sister that has special needs (took care as in she is living with us). It's been over 20 years, and I can tell you that my mom (who has been through a whole lot on her life) is really tired of the situation. Just as my brother and I are. The three of us, try to deal with it as much as we can, just because we love our dad and because he is in a impossible situation (low wage, high responsability job). If you ever have a choice, do not drag your own family to that kind of hell.
I know it's a bit harsh, but in those cases, you have to be one of 2 things. A better brother/son. Or a better partner/father.
I don't want to judge your GF too harshly based on what you are saying, because I'm only getting one side of the story, but you didn't mention whether she had a job, and what kind of job. Is she motivated/ambitious when it comes to her career? If she's working at a walmart, and acting like that, it's hard to tell you to stay with her. If she's a busy professional, it's a bit more understandable if she can seem disengaged at times. In that case, I would advise trying to work things out, and if you fail, you bail.
clearacell
Member
If you're questioning this much then it's not worth it. Go.
LegendofJoe
Member
It sounds to me like both of you have relationship fatigue, but unlike her you're still looking to put in the effort to stay together. If she isn't willing to meet you halfway and at least try then it's no longer a mutually beneficial relationship.
You need to have a frank discussion where you tell her that you're ready to take the next step, but you're not sure if she is. If she doesn't respond to the seriousness of that conversation in a genuine manner I think you should end the relationship. She either wants to work at keeping your relationship alive or she doesn't, you can force her to care.
And with regards to sex I don't know her situation, but with my wife and I it's always a matter of time and energy. We have two young children and we both work, so time and energy are in short supply. I wish we could have sex a lot more often, but it isn't a realistic thing to expect given the constraints of our lives. That said being in shape and working out helps a lot with that, so you're right to want her to do that. It's good for her health and it's good for the health of your relationship.
Whatever happens I wish you luck OP, you have a hard decision to make either way. But in the end it's a decision you need to make for your future. Trust your instincts and do what you believe to be the right thing.
You need to have a frank discussion where you tell her that you're ready to take the next step, but you're not sure if she is. If she doesn't respond to the seriousness of that conversation in a genuine manner I think you should end the relationship. She either wants to work at keeping your relationship alive or she doesn't, you can force her to care.
And with regards to sex I don't know her situation, but with my wife and I it's always a matter of time and energy. We have two young children and we both work, so time and energy are in short supply. I wish we could have sex a lot more often, but it isn't a realistic thing to expect given the constraints of our lives. That said being in shape and working out helps a lot with that, so you're right to want her to do that. It's good for her health and it's good for the health of your relationship.
Whatever happens I wish you luck OP, you have a hard decision to make either way. But in the end it's a decision you need to make for your future. Trust your instincts and do what you believe to be the right thing.
Bad, very very very bad.
Uhuh. I can imagine that kind of freaks her out. Keep in mind that your mother might get ill and will most likely need more and more care in the future, next to the care for your brother.
Keep on doing that, each time you make a 'polite' comment about it (and you can bet your ass she won't see it as polite), you distance yourself even further. Why not try to find another way, take walks together, get on a bicycle together, go to the gym together?
So, sounds perfectly reasonable. She though 'hey, I'll meet him inside anyways' so....yeah? Does she need to check up on you every 10 seconds? You're a big boy. And..is getting separated inside a cinema a moment of pressure? wow. Wait until she gets pregnant.
This is the so-called 'shit'?
Look, I'm not trying to belittle the circumstances ot the both of you, since around that 7-8 years you get those thoughts, I had them too and you need to consider and wrestle with those seriously. But are you really really really sure you're not reading too much into things? The sex life one is bad though...fix it asap if you want to stay together.
(This is coming from someone who has been married for 15 years, I'm a dinosaur probably @ 43)
OP, how much weight has she gained? Is she overweight or just has gained some weight vs being skinny before? Any comments you make on her weight are not going to be seen as polite. You should go biking, hiking, walking, running with her.
Do you expect oral for every single time you have sex with her? It sounds like she does it sometimes but just not always. That's pretty normal. Do you go down on her every time you have sex? If so, then maybe you can be disappointed you don't have a 1:1 ratio going on but you can't force her to give you head lol.
The family stuff sounds like something you are pushing on her right now, when you don't really need to be.
Do you expect oral for every single time you have sex with her? It sounds like she does it sometimes but just not always. That's pretty normal. Do you go down on her every time you have sex? If so, then maybe you can be disappointed you don't have a 1:1 ratio going on but you can't force her to give you head lol.
The family stuff sounds like something you are pushing on her right now, when you don't really need to be.
Have you and your girlfriend talked at all about retooling/mixing up your sex life? This is something that can go a long way with some really basic conversation -- have you gone that route yet, and/or does she seem generally disinterested in talking about it?
I think your sex life complaint is fixable, and I think convincing any partner to take in your mother and brother into the same household is going to be a really tough sell, no matter who it is. But from my perspective it looks like you're already leaning hard in the direction of breaking up anyway.
I think your sex life complaint is fixable, and I think convincing any partner to take in your mother and brother into the same household is going to be a really tough sell, no matter who it is. But from my perspective it looks like you're already leaning hard in the direction of breaking up anyway.
Admiral Woofington
Member
Honestly sounds like you've already made up your mind. But looks like you're slowly falling out of love with her but are only staying together because you're both comfortable with it as its what you're used to after so long. Honestly if you try to talk it out with her and she still loves you she will likely say she will try to change. But she won't. And you shouldn't want somebody to change so you can stay with them.
I'd say talk with close friends and see what they think as they'd know you and your girlfriend better than any of us on gaf. But if I had to give my opinion, break it off.
I'd say talk with close friends and see what they think as they'd know you and your girlfriend better than any of us on gaf. But if I had to give my opinion, break it off.
Dark_3nergy
Member
This is very true. I get that perspective, however the original post came off as telling their girlfriend that this could be a likely scenario later on in life. If she knew that for this long a period of time, why stick around?
I guess that is moreso a question directed to the OP. But you get what I am saying.
Individually that stuff doesn't seem that bad, but all together it seems like she doesn't give a fuck. When your mom and your brother need you shit will probably go south quickly. All together she doesn't want to have sex, doesn't take care of her self, and doesn't care if you find her attractive. Plus she constantly does little things that show her selfish nature. As a "nice guy" that constantly got taken advantage of that last thing is my ultimate pet peeve. Those kind of people chip away at you until one day you can't take it and you break everything off. It sounds like you want to break up, I say do it. She'll be pissed she "wasted" all that time with you but you got to do you too man.
Admiral Woofington
Member
Yeah this is the thing. OP you expect your partner, whoever it is, to be fine to have your family live with you and her. And not only that to be ecstatic. Do you realistically think anybody would be happy to have that situation? Nobody would. You should be happy that a partner even says 'it's fine I guess'
Me personally, that'd likely be a deal breaker. I don't want more people in my future household than necessary.
Yeah. I'd barely be okay with my own family members living with me in the future, let alone people I never grew up with. That's asking a ton.
lol
Seriously OP, it sounds like you already gave up. Do you really feel such little connection to a person you've been dating for 8 years that you're willing to just walk away without communicating better?
Instead of thinking about what she could be doing, have you asked yourself what you could be doing? It's really easy to tell other people what you think they should do, but that's not how good relationships work. If you have an issue, you should talk about it together and come up with solutions that involve both of you.
Honestly, based on what you've written, you don't sound all that different from her. Self centered and unwilling to work with one another. But that's an outside perspective through the limited window you've drawn.
Try to work with her instead of throwing out something you worked on for 8 years. Exhaust all avenues before you just bail.
SprachBrooks
Member
OP, have you tried just sitting down with her and conveying all of your worries, unequivocally? Maybe this will do a better job than politely asking for thingsas in, you just say how you're feeling and why, instead of beating around the bush.
It's unhygenic to shave downstairs, for men and women.
So she keeps it trimmed and doesn't want to give you blowjobs? I don't see the big deal here. Blowjobs suck to give. Why force her to do something she doesn't want to, just for your own pleasure? Why not just find something you can both enjoy?
So, let me get this part straight. You told her you want your family to move in at some point in the future. She said, "Yeah, I'm okay with that" And you're bothered that she didn't show enough enthusiasm about it? Its a burden you're pushing onto her, of course she's not going to be happy about it. But she gets how much that means to you is willing to deal with it.
What's her weight at exactly? And what's yours at for that matter?
What? You say its on HER to contact YOU? So, you didn't want to have to call or text her, but she should have to? And why didn't you just tell her to hang on a second before she walked away, and that you need to use the bathroom? You're an adult, you can follow people, you can talk to them when they tell you that they're going to go down a floor to grab something.
demigod
Member
Yup its time to bail out OP, trust me. I'm still in your situation and the same shit happens weekly. The longest I've went without sex is probably 2 months, fucking ridiculous. I don't even get oral(yet she asks me) anymore and i'll be lucky to have sex twice a week, LUCK. If it wasn't for my son I would've left by now.
Lasthope106
Member
I have a close friend who ended an 8 year relationship for similar reasons. If you are not happy and you feel things aren't going to improve then you know what you have to do.
As for the sex stuff she won't do, things aren't going to get better since a lot of women have less of a libido once they have children. Blowjobs is a thing that a lot of us dudes would like a woman to do, but surprisingly a lot of them aren't a fan of giving them. That isn't a dealbreaker for me personally, but she has to be willing to do other stuff you like. If she isn't willing or you feel she puts no effort, then that's going to be a big problem.
As for the sex stuff she won't do, things aren't going to get better since a lot of women have less of a libido once they have children. Blowjobs is a thing that a lot of us dudes would like a woman to do, but surprisingly a lot of them aren't a fan of giving them. That isn't a dealbreaker for me personally, but she has to be willing to do other stuff you like. If she isn't willing or you feel she puts no effort, then that's going to be a big problem.
Honestly, your list of reasons makes me kind of angry. Oh no, she doesn't enjoy putting dicks in her mouth? The horror! What, she's not shaving her vagina every day? Maybe she even prefers to be unshaved? Disgusting, what a dealbreaker! Oh no, she's gaining a bit of weight? How could you possibly still love her! She's not super enthusiastic about living together with your family? It's a miracle she's okay with that future to begin with. living together with my future parents in law is nightmare fuel to me.
Your reasons just strike me as incredibly superficial. That being said, if that's how you feel, do whatever you must. *shrug*
Your reasons just strike me as incredibly superficial. That being said, if that's how you feel, do whatever you must. *shrug*
Vicetrailia
Banned
OP I'm in a position with some parallels. My mom moved in and it really damaged our relationship bigtime. But she moved out years ago. I wasn't happy with our sex life for 7 years, she gained a ton of weight and didn't take my sexual out cries seriously. Not to mention we were both depressed (unaware) and needed each other more than we wanted one another type of thing. I almost broke it all off, but I had a heart to heart with her on everything. Now things are getting way better and she's exercising (positive effect on her libido) and everything missing is improving. Still not sure if it'll work out between us but you gotta communicate. I wish we did more a lot sooner.
tearsintherain
Member
you already know your answer and you are just asking around to check if anyone thinks you are an asshole. Ignore what people say about you, most relationships fail after 4-5 years and most marriages peter out to a level of comfort and companionship, if you can't even achieve that after 8 years then you will just be absolutely miserable after marriage.
I've been married 23 years, when you find the right person you will just find yourself unable to breath thinking about not being together with them. Sex, weight gain, financial stuff, all that stuff slowly becomes unimportant over time but I assume at your younger-ish age you are having deep, deep, deep subconscious regrets at not dating around (and sleeping around, lets face it) a bit more and you need to go do that while you still can.
Just don't talk about the weight gain stuff with her when you break up, its a low blow and she already knows about it, its an extremely difficult thing to tackle for most people. Simply saying you don't really love her anymore is enough I think.
I've been married 23 years, when you find the right person you will just find yourself unable to breath thinking about not being together with them. Sex, weight gain, financial stuff, all that stuff slowly becomes unimportant over time but I assume at your younger-ish age you are having deep, deep, deep subconscious regrets at not dating around (and sleeping around, lets face it) a bit more and you need to go do that while you still can.
Just don't talk about the weight gain stuff with her when you break up, its a low blow and she already knows about it, its an extremely difficult thing to tackle for most people. Simply saying you don't really love her anymore is enough I think.
Count Dookkake
Member
Fat, hairy, selfish, not putting out...
Hmm.
Hmm.
I think the strongest indicator is that you're asking random people on the internet whether you should stay in a relationship or not. You need to be talking with her about this.
Also, the whole moving your family in with you is a going to grenade any future relationships, baby bird needs to leave the nest. It's harsh but you need to live your own life.
Also, the whole moving your family in with you is a going to grenade any future relationships, baby bird needs to leave the nest. It's harsh but you need to live your own life.
DeathoftheEndless
Crashing this plane... with no survivors!
Other than your mom/brother situation, your issues seem pretty minor to me. I think you can deal with most of this stuff just by having better communication with her. I'd recommend looking into relationship counseling before breaking it off.
You also have to understand that asking your mom and brother to live with you (even in the far future) is a huge deal. Very very few people would be "enthusiastic" about the idea. That she even okayed it at all is more than most people would do. If this plays a big factor into why you think she is selfish, then you need to think about more about how this would affect her life.
You also have to understand that asking your mom and brother to live with you (even in the far future) is a huge deal. Very very few people would be "enthusiastic" about the idea. That she even okayed it at all is more than most people would do. If this plays a big factor into why you think she is selfish, then you need to think about more about how this would affect her life.
sir_kevith
Member
You're bitching about her weight and having to hold popcorn and she has to put up with your mom and brother moving in in the near future?
Communicate and figure this out lol. That's gonna be a hard sell in the dating world as noble as it is.
Communicate and figure this out lol. That's gonna be a hard sell in the dating world as noble as it is.
Skiptastic
Member
You skim over the top part so quickly, it's hard to gauge how important having someone with shared interests, a family you get along with, a good sense of humor, and personality that meshes with yours is to your life. Even if I was cold blooded about the history you share (those eight years are "sunk costs" in econ terms), those things would be HUGE for me. But maybe they aren't for you.
Getting to your long points:
- Sexual lulls happen. Find something to spice it up. If getting head is important to you (and after eight years of not getting it, I find it hard to believe it suddenly is) then be more open about it. Be more open about what you like and dislike sexually, then find out what would really turn her on and do that. If all that fails, talk to sex therapist who could help you through it.
- Asking someone to commit to supporting two members of your family long term is a big ask. Not getting the "sense of inclusiveness and acceptance" that you want sounds like subjective hindsight now that things aren't going well. She said she would be okay with it once it became necessary. You pushing it further or not taking that as accepting what you want is on you, not her.
Also, are you two planning on having kids if you did get married? If so, did you think that might be weighing on her mind when making the decision to accept this premise?
- The "think of herself in times of panic"...like, those two instances are the best you can come up with of her being selfish in eight years of a relationship? That is absolutely nothing. Stop being petty.
- If you think that you're disappointed with her weight gain, think about how she feels. Not everybody is great at taking care of themselves or, after promising to do something about it, sticking with it. And I'm sure she's real keen on you "politely asking" about it.
If it is honestly killing the relationship, then figure out a way to participate in getting healthier together, as many people have said already.
Overall, you sound pretty selfish yourself and are projecting some of that onto her. If you are thinking of making the next step (either proposing or leaving her), you should do some couples therapy to work out these issues before you do something drastic. Make the time and effort to make the relationship work, because those things at the top aren't just window dressing, they are seriously important.
Getting to your long points:
- Sexual lulls happen. Find something to spice it up. If getting head is important to you (and after eight years of not getting it, I find it hard to believe it suddenly is) then be more open about it. Be more open about what you like and dislike sexually, then find out what would really turn her on and do that. If all that fails, talk to sex therapist who could help you through it.
- Asking someone to commit to supporting two members of your family long term is a big ask. Not getting the "sense of inclusiveness and acceptance" that you want sounds like subjective hindsight now that things aren't going well. She said she would be okay with it once it became necessary. You pushing it further or not taking that as accepting what you want is on you, not her.
Also, are you two planning on having kids if you did get married? If so, did you think that might be weighing on her mind when making the decision to accept this premise?
- The "think of herself in times of panic"...like, those two instances are the best you can come up with of her being selfish in eight years of a relationship? That is absolutely nothing. Stop being petty.
- If you think that you're disappointed with her weight gain, think about how she feels. Not everybody is great at taking care of themselves or, after promising to do something about it, sticking with it. And I'm sure she's real keen on you "politely asking" about it.
If it is honestly killing the relationship, then figure out a way to participate in getting healthier together, as many people have said already.
Overall, you sound pretty selfish yourself and are projecting some of that onto her. If you are thinking of making the next step (either proposing or leaving her), you should do some couples therapy to work out these issues before you do something drastic. Make the time and effort to make the relationship work, because those things at the top aren't just window dressing, they are seriously important.
It's very Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque...
thetruth1983
Banned
I change my vote op. You should stay with her and work it out. When your parents move in, you will​ be in no position to make sexual demands. You could date a porn star and I can ensure you that she will leave your ass if she has to keep it down during sex so she doesn't wake up your mom. You've already molded this girl for 8 years and based on your demands, I don't think you will be able to find a woman better than this.
Matrix XII
Member
HawksWinStanley
Member
Vincent Grayson
Member
My guess is it wasn't a likely scenario for the last 8 years, but more recently. And then the simple answer we all know is - inertia.
So many relationships continue until someone cheats or explodes about something because a lot of them truly die much earlier and everyone just goes with the flow until you hit a bump.
From what OP is saying, I feel like that's where they are, and this is the time to decide whether it's worth working on fixing or not. They really need to sit down and have a completely open conversation about their relationship now, and in the future, and see if they're even on the same page.
OP, you sound very immature and not ready to have a real adult relationship with someone. What you want are the feelings of a new relationship (fun, sex all the time, no "issues") and not someone who is your partner and be there all the time through good and bad times.
Sex declines when you have been together a long time, if she does not like giving you a oral is hardly a reason to break up with someone.
People gain and loose weight ( have you thought of doing exercising with her? Cooking healthier with her? doing an active activity together?)
As for moving a family members in, do you REALLY understand the time and commitment that takes? Can you really take care for not 1 but 2 people 24/7, an elder and an adult with disabilities? If your brother cannot live on his own and your mother gets dementia/Alzheimer's/breaks a hip and cannot walk/etc and cannot *ever* be left alone, who will care for them when you and your gf/wife work? Moving a family member in is great and noble, but you need to know what that really entails. Are you ready to bathe your mother? Take her to the doctor? Sit in the ER with her when she falls (the elderly fall), give up vacations and long days out because someone needs to be with your mother 24/7? "Baby proof" your house so she doesn't turn on the stove and burn the house down? (All issues I went through while taking care of my grandmother who had dementia and was 93 when she died.)
Also, the movie thing, seriously? That was even an issue for you? If that is an issue for you, do HER a favor and break up so she can find someone mature enough for a relationship.
Sex declines when you have been together a long time, if she does not like giving you a oral is hardly a reason to break up with someone.
People gain and loose weight ( have you thought of doing exercising with her? Cooking healthier with her? doing an active activity together?)
As for moving a family members in, do you REALLY understand the time and commitment that takes? Can you really take care for not 1 but 2 people 24/7, an elder and an adult with disabilities? If your brother cannot live on his own and your mother gets dementia/Alzheimer's/breaks a hip and cannot walk/etc and cannot *ever* be left alone, who will care for them when you and your gf/wife work? Moving a family member in is great and noble, but you need to know what that really entails. Are you ready to bathe your mother? Take her to the doctor? Sit in the ER with her when she falls (the elderly fall), give up vacations and long days out because someone needs to be with your mother 24/7? "Baby proof" your house so she doesn't turn on the stove and burn the house down? (All issues I went through while taking care of my grandmother who had dementia and was 93 when she died.)
Also, the movie thing, seriously? That was even an issue for you? If that is an issue for you, do HER a favor and break up so she can find someone mature enough for a relationship.
Into the Light
Banned
I would love my GF even if she put on 100lbs. Nice good hearted people are incredibly hard to find.
However you must do what you feel is right.
However you must do what you feel is right.
Skellig Gra
Member
More to life than sex. That's the first thing you mentioned. I'd say bail and let her find someone willing to commit long term.
Beer Monkey
Member
If they decide to stay together they should count calories together. Weight loss is 80% diet 20% exercise. Working out is a great way to build an appetite, and you can't outrun a bad diet.
AnotherDayAnotherDollar
Banned
This.
I have been there, done that (albeit on a 3 year relationship). If the relationship is sucking, then it's time to bail. When you know it's time, it's time. It'll hurt, but you'll be better off.
TarpitCarnivore
Member
The amount of people that are saying to dump her purely over the sex thing is kind of upsetting to me.
That is a very normal thing in long term relationships and the way OP worded it is coming across like he's not really trying to do anything to bring it back beyond being selfish himself. That doesn't just solve itself by throwing yourself at the person and requesting they do things like "keeping it clean".
That is a very normal thing in long term relationships and the way OP worded it is coming across like he's not really trying to do anything to bring it back beyond being selfish himself. That doesn't just solve itself by throwing yourself at the person and requesting they do things like "keeping it clean".
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