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Should we find peace with not being exceptional?

F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
I feel that as capitalism has accelerated in the western world, we're being conditioned to believe and think that we need to take a bigger piece of the pie, because otherwise we won't get any at all.

People just don't feel content with being something simple anymore. You can't just be a mechanic or be the manager of a store. You need to have an extravagant education and a lucrative job to go with it.

For years I've been really sad because I felt that I wasn't going anywhere with my life. My passion and hopes for the future, were shaken to the core when I went to university, and within a week realized studying and working in that field, wasn't what I wanted to do.

Ever since then, I've slowly become more and more content with myself, realizing all the progress I've made with myself, even if I don't have an extravagant diploma or degree. I have a pretty cool job that I'm good at, and there's definitely a pretty awesome future in it if I keep on going the way I've been, but still, it's not exactly something I can put on my Facebook profile and have people go "Shit, dude's got it figured out".

Yesterday I became 26 years old, and as I was surrounded with people in a park, celebrating me, I finally was able to say "I'm happy the way I am at the moment, no matter how unexceptional my job or education is on paper".

I feel that this is definitely something that can make or break most people, as they are just putting off their happiness, thinking "As soon as I have [THIS], I will be exceptional and acceptable; I will be happy".

As long as you live your life like this, chances are you'll never find happiness in anything.

What do you think?
 
Nah, you're good. Sounds like you're in a good place.

There's no reason to look exceptional to other people but the only thing I will offer some level of caution on is the idea of school and education. You don't have to be a damn PhD or whatever but beware of getting "stuck." Employers always want to take advantage of you, no matter what the field. So never stop learning things, increasing your own value, and rounding yourself out.

There's nothing wrong with just having a normal job and then coming home and having a nice dinner and playing some video games, but make a little time where you pursue an interest or take a class or whatever - regardless of what it is. It'll really add up over the years and you won't get old and think, like, "all that free time I had I could have learned three languages" or something.

Basically: fuck titles and earnings, but don't forget to put a little effort into bettering yourself (for your own sake).
 
CHC said:
Nah, you're good. Sounds like you're in a good place.

There's no reason to look exceptional to other people but the only thing I will offer some level of caution on is the idea of school and education. You don't have to be a damn PhD or whatever but beware of getting "stuck." Employers always want to take advantage of you, no matter what the field. So never stop learning things, increasing your own value, and rounding yourself out.

There's nothing wrong with just having a normal job and then coming home and having a nice dinner and playing some video games, but make a little time where you pursue an interest or take a class or whatever - regardless of what it is. It'll really add up over the years and you won't get old and think, like, "all that free time I had I could have learned three languages" or something.

Basically: fuck titles and earnings, but don't forget to put a little effort into bettering yourself (for your own sake).
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Yeah of course, I personally value personal improvement a lot. I spend a lot of my spare time learning stuff about videography (want to start doing some film projects for myself), editing programs, and so on. A year ago, I started a podcast because I wanted to try it.

Not to mention I was 10 years ago a complete idiot who couldn't handle any social experiences. Everything terrified me, I needed to have total control, and everyone found my annoying to a certain degree. I'm not like that anymore, and I learned to overcome that by just working on myself, little by little.

Point is, you should always strive to make yourself feel fulfilled, but IMO, we need to stop striving towards being "exceptional" in the sense of having incredible diplomas, apartments, jobs and experiences.

Be happy with you who are, for what you have accomplished, and do what you can to be happy. Don't do it just to be exceptional.
 
Fudgepuppy said:
Yeah of course, I personally value personal improvement a lot. I spend a lot of my spare time learning stuff about videography (want to start doing some film projects for myself), editing programs, and so on. A year ago, I started a podcast because I wanted to try it.
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See, that stuff is awesome! To some, that is "exceptional."

As long as you are doing what you want to do and you're not living, let's say.... the "unexamined life" you're in good shape. The shit on paper and the apartment and stuff.... Whatever.

I'm in school now (career change) and you might be amazed by how many ambitious pre-med students who have like started some biotech kickstarter or whatever are just utterly fucking bland people, haha...
 
Job bragging is the worst especially when people get so high off their asshole gas that they begin to think they're not completely replaceable.

We live in a society of replaceable parts and ultimately it's as long as you're ok with who you are and what you feel it's all good.

But trying to add impact or meaning and narrative to our lives has always been there.
 
You'll be much happier if you are ok with leading a "good" but not exceptional life. Enjoy what you do have. The constant desire for more wealth and possession is a disease that corrupts a significant part of the population.
 
It took me a good part of my adult life to actually figure out what I really liked to do, and stop worrying what others thought of me.

Being a middle child with wildly successful type a siblings checking in lol
 
After the personal struggles I've been through the past decade or so I've realized that, for me, what I do outside of work going forward is vastly more important than the work I do/career I choose. I could work as a a cleaner and still love my life. Just gotta make sure you don't fall into that work>sleep>repeat cycle because before you know it you'll be 40 and having a mid-life crisis. I'm going to focus on self improvement through regular exercise first and foremost.

My 20s have not gone the way I thought they would, but I'm looking forward to the next few years heading into my 30s.
 
This is the process of getting older and coming to terms with your reality. It doesn't mean 'giving up' or any of that nonsense you might buy into at a younger age, it means you are ready to work very hard for the things you would like to achieve, and when you do, there might not be someone there to give you a pat on the back, so you're going to need to learn to either do that yourself, or not need it to keep going. Nobody cares, nothing matters, so be kind, live for the day and keep working. Add those things up and you might look back and think 'wow'.

I had a fantasy in my head about what it would take for me to feel important. I did a few of those things, but most of them I am highly unlikely to ever do and I accept that. So I've got different things now, most of which I am highly likely to do. Just because I had a thought that I would be a tv show creator when I was 13 doesn't mean there is anything disappointing about my life as is - that was a fantasy, I just didn't know it. There's an outside chance in hell I could do that, and I'll always have an active interest in film and tv, I might even save up enough to make a small independently funded movie, and that's going to be enough. It's more than enough.

I'm 28. It's taken me a lot of false starts and delusions about what 'hope' or 'dreams' mean for me to get to that. It's the kind of attitude I'm currently operating on. I hope it makes sense.
 
as long as you keep seeing things within the frame of exceptional vs not you're always going to be fuck up

the answer is not to be ok with not being exceptional, but to remove the idea of exceptionalism outright
 
I don't think this is a problem exclusive to our generation. I doubt very much medieval serfs were thrilled at their lot in life, and I suspect that their trajectory - excitement, disillusionment, disappointment then slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's "the little things" (making your loved ones happy etc) that ultimately provide you with fulfilment - was much the same. The difference now is that we're all able to actually write.
 
Being exceptional is just a matter of time dedicated to a singular thing. Education, athletics, art, music...its very rare someone is a virtuoso. Everyone has to put in effort. The starting points and rate at which you progress may differ from person to person but hard work beats talent any day.

If you are in a good place dont focus on what you are not yet. Focus on what you are doing and what you want to begin moving towards and never focus too hard on a finish line. So long as you just focus on the next step with a goal in mind by not overwhelming your present then you'll be fine.
 
I am mediocre in almost every way and horrible in many things and I am completely okay with that. The most important things to me is that I try to do my best and to be a good person.

I am not handsome, I suck at games, guitar and piano and drawing and singing and I may be the worst youve ever heard or seen at all of the above but I still enjoy those things even when I know I am not good at them and there are people much better. I try though and that is enough for me.

I may not have a huge group of friends or followers on twitter, or anything like that. I am okay with it.

I can cook quite well though according to others so thats good. I dont mind being mediocre but its nice to be good at. XD.
 
It's not an either-or scenario. Come to peace with the idea of never being President or never playing center field for the Yankees. A lot of childhood dreams are never going to come to pass, and it happens to all of us. On the other hand, don't let yourself off the hook and become complacent and stagnant.

Rather than setting some epic milestone for yourself, set reasonably achievable goals that you can work towards in the next 3-5 years. Getting a degree, getting a promotion, losing 20 pounds, being able to speak another language, etc.
 
CyclopsRock said:
I don't think this is a problem exclusive to our generation. I doubt very much medieval serfs were thrilled at their lot in life, and I suspect that their trajectory - excitement, disillusionment, disappointment then slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's "the little things" (making your loved ones happy etc) that ultimately provide you with fulfilment - was much the same. The difference now is that we're all able to actually write.
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I would wager serfs were happier if only due to the fact they had tighter personal relationships out of necessity for survival.

It seem the large amount ennui in the West has to do with the huge amount of isolation in it. Even success is measured by independence. And with delaying of family formation and pair bonding, there's more isolation. It's not something we're not wired for. We are pack animals.
 
The way I see it, a sure-fire path to sadness is to compare my possessions or achievements to those of other people.

I am exactly where I am for a reason: because all of my choices brought me here. And that's ok, because i made those choices out of my own desire. Maybe I got what I wanted from those choices, maybe I didn't, but I always learned something from the experience, and that's what it's really all about, isn't it?
 
Absolutely. Far too many people take far too much stock in their pieces of paper and their supposed "intelligence". I find that most people like this, yes, they are educated and may or may not have a decent position but their not really that exceptional truly. There is something beyond the picture society has painted for success that truly makes someone "exceptional", and the guys who really are noteworthy are that way regardless of their educations or perceived "intelligence".

Lot of pseudos in this world, or at least in mine. I notice it. Waste of time. Quit blowing smoke up my ass and blow my mind with something truly inventive or a really good deed, go against the grain, do something different even if it puts you on the streets and climb to the top regardless.
I don't know. Something just bothers me about how a lot of people seek to perceive this Subject of their own worth and accomplishments. It's not self esteem but egotistical. Not usually that different from anyone else either.
 
The issue with this is that the best way to live is to strike a delicate balance between the two extremes.

On the one hand, if you're always trying to be too exceptional when you can't be, you risk spending your whole life in disappointment that life isn't good enough, which leads to general unhappiness.

On the other hand, those who are too satisfied and accepting of things stop trying to be better, and are living below their potential, which isn't much better.

The trick is to know what you're capable of and try to reach just outside, keep that hunger for more going while keeping confidence and taking satisfaction in what you do have.

Very few people are able to strike that balance...but ultimately I don't think what you're suggesting is a better way to live life, it's just literally the other extreme.
 
I do think it's a shame that a lot of people are always pursuing more, and they seem so unhappy.

It probably helps that my job is freelance so there's zero job security and almost no prospect of climbing the ladder, so I'm absolutely at peace with earning around the same wage for the foreseeable future. I just don't have the drive to want a better job, more money, bigger house, better car etc. I have friends who commute like 3 hours every day, earn only slightly more than me with travel/tax taken away, and it just seems like such a damn waste of time, considering how short life seems sometimes.

Got a pal who is my age (29) who works at the local bar after burning out post-Uni. Some of my more money-orientated pals have made cracks about how he's gone nowhere, which is such a shitty attitude. Dude might be loving the simplicity of his life, you have no idea and no right to judge.

As long as I can get wasted, save up to travel occasionally, play video games and watch movies, I'm pretty damn happy.
 
daviyoung said:
as long as you keep seeing things within the frame of exceptional vs not you're always going to be fuck up

the answer is not to be ok with not being exceptional, but to remove the idea of exceptionalism outright
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Yeah. It's an insane and juvenile standard.
 
Know that there is a limit to how much happiness money brings. As long as you live a comfortable life and surround yourself with good people, you pretty much made it.
 
Dash_ said:
The older I've become the less it's mattered. There's so much to be found in the joy of experiencing.
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Same here. I've been so much happier (and productive!) since I've let go of the idea of being exceptional. Success doesn't bring happiness. Look at all the exceptional people out there that still struggle with insecurity, addiction, or have just offed themselves.
 
I have a fairly remarkable education and the beginning of my career generally went in line with that. I was pretty eager early on in the career, climbing the ladder and working my ass off to get ahead. Regardless, after the first decade the ladder itself disintegrated through no fault of my own and I got frustrated with the setbacks. I've settled into a job that pays well, and the benefits are great.. but it's not what I consider a career any longer. I'm on the back half of my working life and I'm clearly looking forward to being done, rather than looking forward to advancement.

On a flight home this week, I sat by a dude that is 39 years old, which is younger than me. He wound up being a pretty distinguished heart transplant specialist, who is mostly focused on research and teaching, with say 30% toward actual patient care. I checked his list of publications and such, and we're talking multiple pages just for a list.

I'm finding myself feeling pretty small after visiting with him through the flight. I did get a high five for being an organ donor though, so there's that.
 
For me I try to envision what I'd think about and value as I am on my death bed. Those would be the things Id want to focus on now. Yeah society is all about material things or status but I guarantee the cars or $ I have would take up a few seconds at most when I am about to go.
 
I've come to find the traditional idea of a career and professional accomplishment is just another way for people to imagine that they're better or more worthy than others. It's something to hold over others' heads.

Do the things that interest you and give you meaning and happiness, regardless of how much prestige it garners you. The minute you walk out the door of whatever company you work for, people cease to give a shit about you.
 
If peace is found in accumulation or acquisition, you are on a tightrope where you can never lose your balance for a moment.

Why subjugate yourself to futility? Can peace be found prior to those things?
 
Joy in life has nothing to do with your possessions/salary/position/diploma.

Joy come finding thing you enjoy in the things that you do. Doesn't matter if you are a surgeon or a cashier. There are miserable surgeons and happy cashiers (and vice versa).

Joy and happiness is cultivated, it's not bought.

You can spend time with your friends/life partner/family/pets/on-line buddies. Building relationships and having quality interaction with other persons can bring great joy.

You can work/build/create things, creation can bring a lot of happiness.

The first step in being happy is to start by knowing yourself and discover what you love/bring joys to you. (example: finding that you like drawing and doing so brings you peace and joy even if your not good -yet- at it).

The second step is to use that knowledge and ACTIVELY use that in the things you already do everyday. (example, my co-worker like to draw, before a pet is admitted for surgery, she makes a drawing on the kennel door, she love doing that and our clients really like it too. This takes very little time but this bring joy to her and the people around her)

The third step is to actively plan to create new situation that will allow you to do more of what you love/make you happy. (example: taking drawing classes/reading technique books/setting a (or several) time(s) per week when you go out to draw/draw in you 'draw space'). (example: every Sunday morning you take a walk in new place and make drawing of the things you see)

Ideally you find multiple things/interactions with people you love and cultivate all of them.

It does not have to become your 'job' or career. However, you can make it so you still find happiness in your job even it's it not your dream job.

Money is nice and does provide comforts. It doesn't buy happiness however. Even your 'dreams' job can make you miserable if you do not try to be happy.

Only you can make yourself happy. It's more a state of mind.

Don't dwell on the negative things that happens in your life. Dwell on the positive things that happens and focus on those. People tend to spend way too much time on negative things they can't control and forget to act on the things that bring them joy that they CAN control.

It's easy to say, it's definitely harder to do but if you try to live by this, your life can be full of joy and happiness even if you don't do anything exceptional in your life.
 
The U.S. has been on this path for decades. Not slowing up.

It's really about companies trying to milk workers for more and more and more as labor gets weaker and weaker and weaker.

Corporations give inspiring speeches about how you should really try for more and more, and they actually still hook a lot of people who are willing to kill themselves to get the fat cat at the top a second solid gold rocket car.

I'm not sure it's completely escapable in the US, because income is way down vs cost of living.
 
That's really great that you're happy. The emphasis placed on being THE BEST _______ is incredibly debilitating. It held me back from happiness for a long time. You're in a healthy place. : )
 
Finding peace with not being exceptional seems like a necessary, inevitable skill considering the definition of what 'exceptional' means.
 
I mean, there is a difference in wanting to be exceptional because of extrinsic motivators (money, comparison with friends, what society defines as success metrics, like a good car or salary, etc) and intrinsic ones (because you wanna see what you can accomplish). The latter tend to be healthy, the former, not so much. Then again, you do need to be paid enough to make a decent living first
 
Lol, I had to search and make sure you weren't that "real life swag" guy.

But, I think you should be happy in this type of realization. We aren't all the protagonist in the story of the world, or even our community for most of us. Be happy with your life and anything else is gravy I think.
 
Fudgepuppy said:
Yeah of course, I personally value personal improvement a lot. I spend a lot of my spare time learning stuff about videography (want to start doing some film projects for myself), editing programs, and so on. A year ago, I started a podcast because I wanted to try it.

Not to mention I was 10 years ago a complete idiot who couldn't handle any social experiences. Everything terrified me, I needed to have total control, and everyone found my annoying to a certain degree. I'm not like that anymore, and I learned to overcome that by just working on myself, little by little.

Point is, you should always strive to make yourself feel fulfilled, but IMO, we need to stop striving towards being "exceptional" in the sense of having incredible diplomas, apartments, jobs and experiences.

Be happy with you who are, for what you have accomplished, and do what you can to be happy. Don't do it just to be exceptional.
Click to expand...
Of course. Be careful not to waste your life on dumb irrelevant stuff. Do stuff you like. If you choose to participate in the working class, pick work you love doing. That's a huge part of your life. Pick friends who surprise you from time to time and are nice people.
Go outdoors a lot. Nature is fucking amazing.
Don't just chase fucking dollar signs.

Pro tip: buy a good bed. That's a third of your life right there.
 
I think excellence is better circumscribed as the ability to act effectively in accordance with our values. If you're able to determine what meaningful action is for you, and then approach that through your actions, then your life becomes one successfully ordered towards meaning or whatever. Basically, there's only one area of excellence that's an unambiguous good, and that's character. In comparison, everything else just seems like some token or trophy meant to stand in for our own worth. It also explains why people who excel in some areas might be admirable people (through their commitment or devotion, which is a character trait.)
 
The thing with being exceptional is it's basically an exercise in futility since the goalpost keeps moving.

It's just not a healthy mindset IMO. I've seen it completely break a bunch of people in college.
 
I suffer a God complex, so unfortunately a simple unnoticed life behind a cubicle sounds like imprisonment.

I'd rather go though the mental torment of chasing creative control of everyone and everything around me.
 
Always try to be exceptional at what you do, but you should really find your happiness in knowing you tried your best.
 
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