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Sister is already dating. Only 11.

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sappyday

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These past few weeks me and my family noticed that my sister had been very distant. She wouldn't want to do anything particular and instead she just stayed on her phone which she never does. So I asked her who she was talking to so much that they take priority over family. Of course she would say "no one" or "just friends" but afterwards she used her Christmas money to buy a $30 hat. I asked her who the hell would she buy a hat for when she doesn't even bother giving me or anyone else a present. Again, she said "just a friend."

I knew damn well it wasn't just a friend. I knew it had to be something more than just friends so I kept trying to make her say the truth but she would keep on lying.

So today I did something I do regret doing and am oppose of in the general sense which is make her give me the code to the phone and show me who she was talking to. My mom joined me as well since she also wanted to know. She begged and screamed no but we threaten to take the phone away for good if she didn't cough it up. She eventually broke down in the sole promise that I only I read it.

So I did, and my hunches were right. The messages were very lovey dubby and they were calling each other baby and all this stuff. I was like "ok so it's your first crush, I understand, I don't know why you were being so secretive though.." but then I read further down.

The boy was already asking for sex. Saying stuff like "let's fuck" "I'm so horny right now" and "my dick is super big."

This shit broke me man. Growing up, one of values were to never say anything vulgar/bad in the household. I one time said "you fucking bitch" as a kid and my dad heard it and hit me for it. I haven't said one word of profanity since then. I taught my sister the same. When it came to stuff like sex I would avoid it entirely. One time my sister asked me what sex was after she heard it said in the Family Guy intro. I told her she'll learn about it in school. I'm very aware this is very outdated standard of raising and most here would be open about it with kids at a young age, but I was just never comfortable talking about with anyone in my household. This could be a result of that but still..

I was disgusted by it and she knew right away I saw and she broke down saying "sorry, he was only joking. he jokes like that. You know I would never do something like that!" I mean for fuck sake I never seen a kid saying this type of stuff to a girl that age in PM. She kept going on how he's sweet and isn't like that. I didn't really believe her at that point. I showed it to mom afterwards and she overreacted as though her only daughter at that age is already contemplating sex.

After my mom settled down from screaming her lungs out at my sister, I told her I would handle the situation. So I go talk to my sister alone and pretty much tell her that I want her to break up with the guy, that she's too young for this, that her top priority is school. She said she would do all that but she was pretty devastated. I don't know if what I did was the right thing. Sure, the boy saying that kind of stuff is vulgar and unacceptable, but I don't think she's that big of an idiot. Now I sort of opened the flood gates to her private life and my mom will be intervening anytime she can. I mean my parents are the same parents that wouldn't let see anyone for two years after they caught me smoking weed at the age of 12.

So not sure if there's a better solution.

tl;dr: caught 11 year old sister's text messages with boyfriend about sex. Told my mom about it. Force her to break up with the boy. Now I don't know if she'll ever trust me or if I messed up her social life.
 
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You can't stop your sister from having sex. She hella young, of course, but straight up forbidding things never works, and can make the situation worse. The best you can do is guide her to being safe.
 
Not sure what to say but abstence only teaching almost always results in early sex and pregnancy. You guys need to sit her down and tell her how to be safe. When I was in middle school there was two girls knocked up in 6th grade. Yeah she is young but just screaming at her is not going to help.


EDIT,my fiancee is throwing in her two cents. When she turned 10 her mom told her if she ever needed to get put on birth control to tell her. She didn't want her having sex but if she was going to she wanted her to be safe. She never took her up on it till she turned 15 but treating her and talking to her like in adult was the right thing to do. Support not screaming at her. Her best friend was knocked up at 14 and her other friend at 16. We are still child free. You need to tell her how to be safe.
 
My sister is a sex blogger for an esteemed university and went through quite a few sexual partners the last couple of years.

Nothing you can do, OP. Just make sure she understands safe sex and the importance of it. No reason for you to try and control her life. Don't worry about what she does, let her learn things on her own.
 
A) You need to educate your sister on this stuff pronto if she hasn't been. Avoiding it will make it worse. She can get pregnant at her age, unfortunately.

B) How old is this other guy?
 
this is how people grow up to be ashamed of sex.

im not sure how to handle this but being disappointed, yelling, and using guilt are probably the worst things you can do.
 
Holy shit man. I mean, there really is nothing else you could have done after seeing those messages?

EDIT: I'm not saying you did the wrong thing. She needs to learn about the consequences of having sex at her age. I just have a feeling that involving the mom may have damaged her relationship with you.
 
sappyday said:
The boy was already asking for sex. Saying stuff like "let's fuck" "I'm so horny right now" and "my dick is super big."
Click to expand...

I have no idea how I'm going to handle this sort of thing when my daughter gets older. Right now, my only thought is 'not well.'

Especially at 11.
 
Invite the boy over for dinner, sit them both down, spend 40 minutes going over the birds and the bees, relationship over.
 
She's 11. She's going to trust you, maybe not even stop, so don't even worry about that. You did the right thing here. Full stop. You don't let something like this continue if you find it out. This really is a situation where you should keep the text messages and have your mother have a talk with the boys parents after she's calmed down. We aren't dealing with teens here. The last thing they want is him doing this with another girl, it somehow going further and someone knocks on their door saying he got their daughter pregnant.
 
I can understand you wanting to protect your sister and all, and those texts were super inappropriate for kids their age. But that said...

Why did you feel like it was your business to know who she was talking to in the first place, as opposed to letting your parents handle it? What gave you the right to bully and threaten her into giving her phone up? And how dare you lie to her about telling your mom and then turn right around and do it anyway?

There were a lot of ways you could have handled this situation, and you chose all the wrong ones. One incident like this won't neccessarily poison your relationship with her, but you've violated her trust in a major way and there will be consequences for that. Try to take a lighter hand next time, for fuck's sake.
 
You did the right thing. she's eleven. Your mom's rules. AT that age she could have a relationship but with your mom's consent.

If that's how it is under your roof, more power to you
But the way it was done was dramatic imo but i understand. Vile young men hs
 
I wish someone would have hit me for using profanity. I cuss like a sailor and have for years and it's almost impossible to stop.
 
I think you did the right thing by confronting her, but I don't think any good will come out of forcing her to break up with him. I'm not an expert by any means, but I figure it'll only cause her to rebel out of spite if you restrict her like that.

You should try sitting her down and educate her on dating/sex at a young age. And if that doesn't work, you can always scare her with whatever horrifying sex-related story you can think off. Fear is a powerful deterrent.
 
No offense, but you and your mother handled that terribly.

Yes, children that young know what sex is, talk about it, and even engage in it. Are they too young to fully grasp the consequences of it? Yes. But don't get caught up on the fact that your 11 year-old sister knows what sex is and talks about it with her peers. Of course she does.

But what you guys did here was take a moment that could have been used as a tool to educate her on the realities of sex, understand her and what's she going through with her peers better, and get closer to her in general, and used it to humiliate her and "tighten the reins" without making any attempt to understand her better.

Sometimes it's easy as parents (and older siblings) to just want to keep a child in a "child's place" because, ultimately, that what's easiest for us to do. But there are certain subjects, like sex, where I think it's best to approach young people as the young people they are, and not like the innocent children we want them to stay.
 
My sister just turned 13 and I'm seeing lovey dovey stuff too. Nothing to the degree of "let's fuck" as far as I know.
 
Yelling at her will only cause resistance. She needs someone supportive who can also teach her safe practices, on the chance that she goes through with it anyway behind your back. I do agree that 11 is too young for someone to be in a sexual relationship and it's hard to make them see that for themselves. Sex is a brand new experience for kids that age and can be very exciting; still though, is it possible to convince her to wait until she's a little older? Like, at least high school age?
 
It's hard to say if you made the right call OP, but dating at 11 is really young nonetheless. That's quite a complicated situation you've gotten yourself and her into. I hope for the best for your sister to make the right choices.

Bio-Frost said:
When I was in middle school there was two girls knocked up in 6th grade.
Click to expand...
There were a few at my middle school too. One drank bleach and killed her child, no joke. Those kids were so immature, man.
 
If you want to go the fear route, give her the single mom experience. Spend a weekend watching young cousins with no pay. Have her work for a full 8 hour shift, to simulate a job.
 
I thought it was weird when I was 11 and my first girlfriend was asking me if I wanted to make out with her. Now they ask for sex at that age? I blame the media lack of parenting. Glad your folks put an end to that shit immediately.
 
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