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So GAF, about long distance relationships

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AdanVC said:
Anyway just wanted to share my story. Long distance relationships can truly work out but only if you are willing to sacrifice literally everything and being completely confident with yourself, something that I didn't had at that time :(
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Well, that sucks dude. But maybe it was for the best, imagine if you met and she went back and you still had no confidence, at all? I would hurt exponentially more.
 
What's "half a planet away" though? I think there is a difference between long distance (e.g. being able to see each other every few weeks) and between very long (e.g. 1-3 times a year).
 
felipepl said:
Funny enough, that's exactly the kind of "ultra-long" distance we're facing right now. So glad it worked out for you!
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It's a helluva thing, right? No chance for even semi-regular visits (unless you're independently wealthy), and the time difference makes it difficult to connect even through SKYPE or calls. It's definitely tough, but I also think there are some nice benefits that you could take advantage of. Being so far away really pushes the talking aspect of relationships and that gives you a chance to hash out many issues that most people won't even broach years into a relationship (marriage, future careers, long term goals, kids, etc.). Laying out all your cards is really good if you're looking to create a lasting partnership.

Your biggest hurdle sounds like it's going to be the insecurity thing, though. You guys really need to be on the same page and totally assured of the commitment or it'll eat away at you. When we were dating, it even felt like random people kept trying to pick at this, always warning me that 'how could I know he wouldn't cheat on me or flirt with other women,' etc. Communication is really your only weapon here. That and ignoring everyone telling you it can't work. :P

For things that might help keep you guys connected that worked for us (you might already be doing this, though):

SKYPE TV: We used to just leave SKYPE running when we knew the other was up, not to talk but just to see them in the background cooking or doing chores, etc.

'Dinner' dates: We'd arrange chats over overlapping food times so it felt like we were sitting down together over meals.

Snail mail: Little packages were so lovely to send and receive. Getting to touch something tangible that the other had sent was very sweet.


Anyway, I wish you luck and some together time if you guys are able to swing it. My husband was able to piggy-back off of business trips to see me a couple of time during that period and it made all the difference.
 
"Long distance relationships never work out" is a myth. Statistically, long distance relationships last just as long as proximal relationships (although obviously there's some selection bias at play: people who aren't that serious will give up upon departure and not even try the LDR).

The fact of the matter is, most relationships don't work out period. You're going to break up with every girlfriend you ever have except one, if you're lucky (
unless you're polyamorous or otherwise non-conforming
). When someone's LDR goes south, the distance is a handy scapegoat, hence the impression people have that LDRs never work.

But if the relationship can work for realz, it can work long distance for realz.

That said, one other random piece of advice I remember from the psych paper I did on this a decade ago: the reunion is harder than you'll expect. The shift from LDR to proximal relationship is rough. When you're apart you'll idealize each other more than usual, and when you get back together little things will annoy you more, etc. Things won't live up to your expectations: you'll think once you're back everything will be rainbows and sunshine. So try to keep a more realistic expectation when that day comes. Look forward to it, but don't let the fantasies run too far from reality.
 
H.Protagonist said:
It's a helluva thing, right? No chance for even semi-regular visits (unless you're independently wealthy), and the time difference makes it difficult to connect even through SKYPE or calls. It's definitely tough, but I also think there are some nice benefits that you could take advantage of. Being so far away really pushes the talking aspect of relationships and that gives you a chance to hash out many issues that most people won't even broach years into a relationship (marriage, future careers, long term goals, kids, etc.). Laying out all your cards is really good if you're looking to create a lasting partnership.
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Exactly. In some ways, it's actually an additional incentive to plan ahead with extra care. Definitely worth mentioning, and I definitely agree!

Ri'Orius said:
That said, one other random piece of advice I remember from the psych paper I did on this a decade ago: the reunion is harder than you'll expect. The shift from LDR to proximal relationship is rough. When you're apart you'll idealize each other more than usual, and when you get back together little things will annoy you more, etc. Things won't live up to your expectations: you'll think once you're back everything will be rainbows and sunshine. So try to keep a more realistic expectation when that day comes. Look forward to it, but don't let the fantasies run too far from reality.
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That's something I never thought about before. And it makes sense, that's for sure. Thanks for your take on it.
 
i've been in two: the first i dated and lived with for 2.5yrs, before she moved to the US on a work visa for 1yr. we broke up within 3 months of her leaving. the second LDR was a few years later, although i met her in japan on holiday. pretty much the same thing happened, but thankfully it ended just before she was planning on moving to australia.

one thing most people don't think of is the timezone differences. australia/japan is no issue, but the US is a motherfucker.

tldr: not worth it.
 
Frankly, if a couple professes to truly love each other enough to pursue a long distance relationship, arguments like "I need someone to hold me" or "I need someone closer" shouldn't even enter the picture. Consider the concept of "love" stripped to its core: the love of a parent and child. Would a mother forget her child if he goes away to study abroad for a year or two? Would a father stop loving his teenage daughter once she stops kissing Daddy on the cheek when she hits puberty? If you truly loved somebody, there should be no "ifs" or "buts."

If someone needs an eye watching over them to keep their hands to themselves, what does that say about that person's view of relationships? Out of sight, out of mind? What if you got married to this person and life circumstances like work required one to move far away, or work longer hours? I would say having experienced a long-distance relationship is actually beneficial for a serious couple, as it would teach them how to be independent and self-regulate. It would also force them to introspect long and hard about what it is they want from a relationship.

If it doesn't work, it just means that the couple is not mature enough to pursue a serious relationship, period.


P.S. know of 4 successful couples, 1 of them me (6 years of seeing each other for a few days 3 times a year). All of them are international marriages, so in some cases the couples met only once or twice a year.
 
They can definitely work but are by no means easy.

As mentioned, constant communication is key. Always always always have plans for when to next meet each other, no matter how far off in the future that date may be. Just knowing that you will see each other again soon can ease the distance somewhat.
 
Laughing Banana said:
Not that this will bring you any comfort, but I have never personally seen anyone making it far in long distance relationships.
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I have.

siddx said:
There are people on gaf who will share their success stories but honestly they are in the vast minority.
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How exactly can you be so sure?

Ri'Orius said:
"Long distance relationships never work out" is a myth. Statistically, long distance relationships last just as long as proximal relationships (although obviously there's some selection bias at play: people who aren't that serious will give up upon departure and not even try the LDR).

The fact of the matter is, most relationships don't work out period. You're going to break up with every girlfriend you ever have except one, if you're lucky (
unless you're polyamorous or otherwise non-conforming
). When someone's LDR goes south, the distance is a handy scapegoat, hence the impression people have that LDRs never work.
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Yeah, sounds about right. Of course distance can be a factor still but I'd like to see actual evidence that non-LDR "last more often" or whatever the criteria is for a relationship to "work" before declaring them non-viable.
 
I was in one for about two years when we started dating. We had known each other for years before, and decided that we really wanted to be with each other. After two years of distance and way too many flights back and forth I quit my job and moved to be with her.

We are getting married in 4 weeks. :)
 
I'm in one and I'm so happy that is working out after my bad expierences.

My story is a bit weird, last year I had a boyfriend that lived in another country and we had 2 years with our relationship, then I decided to do a student exchange only for him... That was my worst decision ever. There were signals that he didn't loved me at all but I didn't want to believe that. He waited until I visited him for the first time to broke up with me, is something that I'm never going to forget.

But I have to thank him because if I hadn't gone to his country then I wouldn't have met my actual boyfriend. I believe that this has chances of last much more because I feel more confident and happy with him than with my ex's. We're currently apart but I'm planing to return to his country after my graduation :)
 
I've gone through it twice but only for a few months. The first time, my girlfriend (4 years) and I were actually broken up before she went. She spent about 4 months away and the whole thing actually brought us closer together. We talked more since she didn't have anyone to talk to where she was, and we mailed each other gifts for christmas. We sort of got back together when she came back, but then we broke up again. It was actually better for the relationship when we were away from each other.

The second time it was with my most recent girlfriend (almost 5 years now, but at the time it was 2 years). She actually wanted to try to start a life in a new country. We didn't officially break up, but if things went well on her trip it was definitely gonna be the end of our relationship. All in all it was pretty much like the first time. We talked everyday, and we were face-timing, which we never did before, and it felt like we were living the whole experience together. She arranged a breakfast for me on my birthday and sent a video of her to edit into my birthday video (I record the whole day on my birthday), and it was the sweetest thing ever. She came back 2 and half months later after having trouble finding steady work and our relationship couldn't be better.

Maybe this will not be your case but I also know a couple who were separated for a year and they worked out great, and another one of my friends has been away for 3 years and has still kept her relationship intact.

marimorimo said:
I would say having experienced a long-distance relationship is actually beneficial for a serious couple, as it would teach them how to be independent and self-regulate. It would also force them to introspect long and hard about what it is they want from a relationship.

If it doesn't work, it just means that the couple is not mature enough to pursue a serious relationship, period.
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This.
 
Currently in a long distance relationship where I met my girlfriend on a site hosted by another GAF member. We met up before we started dating and she made an incredibly bold move to visit me from Canada to the US where we spent a few days in New York (where I had to get a ride to visit her) and back to my home city of Boston. We missed each other terribly and we were surprised that we were more affectionate than we thought we would be so we decided to give LDR a try despite us not being into the idea at all before we met up.

Whenever I feel down what cheers me up the most, and this does sound incredibly cheesy, is that we're giving the relationship a chance. LDR can be incredibly hard at times but we know that we have something special and not every is okay with doing them.

felipepl said:
And sometimes it's just too hard to get over it and you end up with a depressive day. Plus fears that the other person could meet someone closer and give up on you, blah blah blah. I know she won't, but I'm scared by the idea nonetheless.
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I've had insanely shitty days due to my severe depression but you can't think like that. Thoughts like that are toxic and might lead to issues down the road and isn't really a LDR specific issue. I used to have huge jealousy issues and believe it or not what really helped with deal with it were dating sims or games that had dating sims mechanics. I don't really know why it worked out but it just did.

Anywho H.Protagonist gave some amazing advice, the more things you can do together the better. Sadly my girlfriend isn't into these things just yet since she would rather do all these things with me in person, but we're currently saving up for PS4s so we can play Destiny together.

The Long distance relationship and the We met online subreddit are both great places to look at and are just supporting communities where you can get great advice, get good info on how you can make your LDR as successful as possible and even see couples close the distance which is always nice to see.

outunderthestars said:
I was in one for about two years when we started dating. We had known each other for years before, and decided that we really wanted to be with each other. After two years of distance and way too many flights back and forth I quit my job and moved to be with her.

We are getting married in 4 weeks. :)
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Congratulations!
 
Me: German.
Wife: Chinese.
Distance: 7333km
Known: 14th February 2009

Now married since last year and living in Germany. It works out if you are confident and serious about that relationship.

But I also know people who were in the same constellation, that it didnt work out.
Either the girl cheated, because they couldnt stand it being half a year without sex.
Or the guy cheated when he came to China, because before that he was not confident, but as soon as he came to China he noticed: "Oh. Those girls like foreigners. I can choose from whoever I want to fuck."
I actually know 3-4 of the latter types, about 2 of the former.
 
I met a girl through a dating website years and years ago, we started dating, and then a few months later I got accepted into a university in another (close-by) city (about an 8 hour commute each way). I asked her if she wanted to try long distance, she said yes, so we did.

I move, complete my first year at university, and throughout that first year we text/Skype every day and one of us visits the other at least once a month. I come home for stuff like Christmas, and I spend the summer back home.

This continues for three more years until I complete my university degree.

I finally move back home. We find a place and she moves in with me. We live together for a year and it's awesome.

She gets accepted into a university in another province (ie state). We now have to fly to see one another.

So we each buy a flight pass which allows us to fly at a discount multiple times in the year. We still text/FaceTime every day, and we now see each other every 4-6 weeks or so.

Her moving away really, really sucked, but it's for her career and her happiness and it'll only be for another year and a half.

So it's been almost 6 years now and we've only lived in the same city for a year. But our relationship's never been stronger because we're fully committed to each other. I can be a very jealous person, and she just honestly never gives me a single reason to be that, and it's great. So I do the same for her.

It can definitely work. It all depends on you and the other person.
 
Laughing Banana said:
Does people have problem understanding the word "I have never personally seen" or something?

I never claimed it's the truth to end all the truth, it's just in my experience and the people surrounding me LDR are more often ended in failure than not.
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Isn't the same true for "normal distance" relationships? Most relationships end in failure period. The people who have had multiple relationships far outnumber the people who have only ever had one relationship and are still together.
 
Nocebo said:
Isn't the same true for "normal distance" relationships?
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Well like it or not long distance relationships generally carry with it more issues than "normal distance" relationship: it can provoke sense of loneliness and insecurity in a greater degree since your SO is so far away, for example, not to mention the missing physical contact/presence of your SO that can be a huge issue to many people.

I don't think anyone would disagree when I say surviving an LDR require a higher fortitude than surviving a "normal distance" relationships. It's just simply harder. Though the upside is perhaps if you can survive LDR, then you know you're really in for a strong relationship worth fighting on.
 
Does not work. You will find someone where you live that you will see more often than your long distance interest, or vice versa.
 
backslashbunny said:
They can.

I'm engaged to a man I met online on League of Legends about five years ago. As I post this, he's snoring next to me :D.

We survived college, work, and graduate school. Granted , we're from the same country and only four hours by plane array from each other.

The trick is communication and trust. For five years we pretty much talked two to three hours every day at least.

Oh, and you gotta make the other person laugh. That's crucial. We didn't get hung up over missing each other when we weren't together. There wasn't ever the feeling of being lonely without them there.
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You sound like me :)

OP: if you're missing either, it'll be hard (which is a nice way of saying it won't work).
 
The 'long distance' aspect doesn't really mean much, it's all about your relationship with the person and whether that will work out rather than the distance itself being the deciding factor.

I had a 5 year relationship with a girl, we started out in the same town then went to universities 6 hours apart. We stayed together right up until final year when we broke up (build up of issues, but I can't imagine the distance helped.
However, I have currently been with a girl for 2 and a half years, stronger than ever, and she lives 3 hours away. We see each other every weekend or 2, and she is moving here in September when she starts her new job. As other people have said, make sure you have a goal for the relationship to work towards and there is no reason it can't be great!
 
Very tough but possible if you are committed to each other and the reason why you are apart. Met in college my senior year, I went to law school 8 hours away. She graduated two years later and went to grad school 6 hrs from where I was to spend my 3rd of law school. Married 13 years this past Saturday, two kids. Pre Skype era, pre cheap unlimited calling era. Going through very demanding programs was part of how we made it, no time for other distractions. Good luck.
 
Laughing Banana said:
Well like it or not long distance relationships generally carry with it more issues than "normal distance" relationship: it can provoke sense of loneliness and insecurity in a greater degree since your SO is so far away, not to mention the missing physical contact can be a huge issue to many people.

I don't think anyone would disagree when I say surviving an LDR require a higher fortitude in maintaining your relationships than surviving a normal distance relationships. It's just simply harder. Though the upside is perhaps if you can survive LDR, then you know you're really in for a strong relationship worth fighting on.
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Sure it might be harder to maintain a long distance relationship than a close distance relationship. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the failure rate is significantly higher for long distance relationships. Which is what you were/are heavily implying.

We could say for instance that people are less inclined to enter into a long distance relationship in the first place, because of the associated problems. Then one could argue that people who do enter into a long distance relationship are more committed, trusting, talk more (because there is not much else to do) etc. And in the end could be likely to build their relationships on more long lasting values.

For both types of relationships it is just as easy to start a relationship based on flimsy reasons, though.

Another perspective is that regular relationships that stay together aren't necessarily good ones or not staying together for good reasons. It might be harder to get out of a bad, or neutral relationship if you're living together for a number of reasons. So there's that as well.

Anyway, I just felt your statement and other people's similar statements were incredibly short sighted. Since most relationships will fail period.
MilkyJoe said:
Does not work. You will find someone where you live that you will see more often than your long distance interest, or vice versa.
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I think confidence is proportional to ignorance. You seem very confident of your statement.
 
felipepl said:
Yeah, it sucks when you're half a planet away from the one you love. And sometimes it's just too hard to get over it and you end up with a depressive day. Plus fears that the other person could meet someone closer and give up on you, blah blah blah. I know she won't, but I'm scared by the idea nonetheless. Anybody here going through the same thing? Is it working out? Any good advice about it?
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Almost a year going, but we seem to be heading to the same place after the summer!
 
Nocebo said:
Sure it might be harder to maintain a long distance relationship than a close distance relationship. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the failure rate is significantly higher for long distance relationships. Which is what you were/are heavily implying.

We could say for instance that people are less inclined to enter into a long distance relationship in the first place, because of the associated problems. Then one could argue that people who do enter into a long distance relationship are more committed, trusting, talk more (because there is not much else to do) etc. And in the end could be likely to build their relationships on more long lasting values.

For both types of relationships it is just as easy to start a relationship based on flimsy reasons, though.

Another perspective is that regular relationships that stay together aren't necessarily good ones or not staying together for good reasons. It might be harder to get out of a bad, or neutral relationship if you're living together for a number of reasons. So there's that as well.

Anyway, I just felt your statement and other people's similar statements were incredibly short sighted. Since most relationships will fail period. .
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Then it is time we return to the word personally. Anecdotally. My experience. Woooh.
 
i don't know man, my girlfriend an ocean away from me and we've been together for 6 years, maybe it has a chance

don't let paranoia get to you, and don't let paranoia get to her too while you're at it
 
Laughing Banana said:
Then it is time we return to the word personally. Anecdotally. My experience. Woooh.
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So what? I and other people are offering a counter perspective, in reply to posts like yours. Where is the problem? I can't tell you your perspective seems extremely limited/short sighted in face of the failure rate of relationships in general?

At any rate I feel about ready to break if off with you.

siddx said:
Never met someone for whom a long distance relationship worked out, and I include myself in that 2 times over. Sorry.
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Also laughing at this. Oh you had two, TWO whole long distance relationships that ended broken up? Wow. That sounds like a significant amount..except it doesn't. At all. Most people I know have had 4-6 ( some even more!) "close distance" relationships that didn't work out. Let's put things in a proper perspective here people.
 
Dated my now wife for three years long distance. ( Mass. To India) Married almost six months now. They do work out you just need a game plan for turning it from long distance into local.
 
Nocebo said:
Sure it might be harder to maintain a long distance relationship than a close distance relationship. But that doesn't necessarily mean that the failure rate is significantly higher for long distance relationships. Which is what you were/are heavily implying.

We could say for instance that people are less inclined to enter into a long distance relationship in the first place, because of the associated problems. Then one could argue that people who do enter into a long distance relationship are more committed, trusting, talk more (because there is not much else to do) etc. And in the end could be likely to build their relationships on more long lasting values.

For both types of relationships it is just as easy to start a relationship based on flimsy reasons, though.

Another perspective is that regular relationships that stay together aren't necessarily good ones or not staying together for good reasons. It might be harder to get out of a bad, or neutral relationship if you're living together for a number of reasons. So there's that as well.

Anyway, I just felt your statement and other people's similar statements were incredibly short sighted. Since most relationships will fail period.

I think confidence is proportional to ignorance. You seem very confident of your statement.
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I am very confident as I have been in the situation. Twice.

The stuff you are replying to Mr Banana there, is top shelf crap.
 
Tried it, didn't work.

Basically just what everyone else is saying. Keep at it, move towards bringing the distance down and communicate all the god damn time.

I'd also say that it's wise not to move in with someone right away. How a person lives when you meet up a few times a year for a week or whatever and how a person lives full time can be completely different things. This goes for all relationships but yeah, you're gonna wanna know how they live day to day.
 
They are extremely tough to work out and usually fail.

Unless you are seeing each other again in a reasonable time frame (1 year or so) - I would recommend against it.

Life is short and holding out for someone you may/may not ever be with or work things out with is not something I'd do. You're just limiting your own possibilities.
 
How old are you? Are you long distance because you guys went to different colleges. If so, start detaching yourself now.

Edit: you're separate for work? It might work. Good luck!
 
I've only ever known one person to successfully make a long-distance relationship work, and he moved to Thailand to marry her after 3 years.

Everyone else (myself included) was either cheated on, given the "I just feel like we're growing distant" speech, or one of them tried to move the relationship faster than the other was ready for at the time (which usually involved talks of moving in and marriage in a short time span).
 
Shy Fingers said:
Two things I always say for long distance. Communicate a lot and have an end game plan. Having a plan in place helps from making it stop feeling as real.
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.

Worked for me. BF and I were long distance dating for around 6 months. We talked or texted every single day. Shortly after we started dating we started setting up long term plans and eventually set a move in date that made the distance seem much easier to bare.
 
As long as you have a plan for eventually being together, you're solid. My girlfriend and I were long distance for 2 years before she moved here and we moved in together, and honestly it's been fucking awesome the entire time. Being long distance was lame, but we made good efforts to see each other when we could. We talked on the phone a lot, and we used this cute app called Couple that's a really neat/nifty way of staying in touch and having a little private space.

Again though, the key is having a plan. Things worked out for us because we graduated the same year, and we talked it out and eventually planned her moving here. You both have to be upfront and honest about what you want, and how far you're willing to go for it. It's a lot of work, mentally, but if you two are on the same wavelength in life, it can work. ill try to think of more advice, but maybe my gal will come post some herself :) best of luck, man! It's a great feeling to make it through an LDR.
 
Like everyone else is saying--they're hard. Having a timetable for your endgame is difficult because what constitutes moving too quickly at that point? Do you talk about moving in together? Do you talk about moving to the same area but not together? At which point is moving for a specific person a bad, or a good, idea?

Personally, they don't work for me. They do the opposite of work in most cases; But I tended to meet people who were stuck in life and hadn't made any attempts to get out of that cycle (read: MMO players). People that talk a good game but can't, and won't, make good on their word. I think context is hugely important when you establish a relationship that has it's roots in long-distance. Where you met, under what circumstances, where were you in your life at the time?

In that vein it's not too different from an in-person relationship, really. It can be harder because, once again--my own experience, a lot of my long-distance relationships were formed during bad periods of my life where I yearned for a connection and this person was in my life and available.

Last but very much not the least, how much do you want physical contact? One of the worst things in the world is to be emotionally invested in someone and when you eventually meet you're all but repulsed by them or there's no real sexual compatibility. All the discussion in the world can't prepare you for that moment when you kiss and realize the person is a bad kisser. Or you take them to bed and realize they're a dead fish when you're goin' at it.

I do think they're possible for a lot of people--but it takes so much work and more luck than I'm willing to put my faith in. Plus it's real easy to get screwed if you make good on your endgame and things break. I'm a pessimist in regards to this, but plenty of people make it work. I think a big key is to meet each other before you start dating or have your roots in having spent time around each other before going long-distance. Or hell, at least have the means necessary to meet sooner rather than later. Don't get into a LDR with someone that's chronically unemployed. Though once again, relevant to in-person relations, just moreso with LDRs.
 
I've seen people succeed in long distance relationships, I've seen people fail it, including myself. I think it's very much down to the person, some people can do it, some can't after a while. Even if there is real emotion. You need physical contact, no matter what. I personally would say just find a way to make it work. It doesn't have to be long distance if you don't want it to be long distance. There's always a way, just act on it and make it happen, working around the fact that it's long distance will not do you any good in the long run.

That said, I know 3 couples who are now happily married, who started off long distance. Even after they were engaged they were still apart. But you really gotta make that move eventually.


Also, not that I'm generalising, don't wanna sound like a prick, just a simple observation, that the people who I know that have been unsuccessful in long distance were all rather attractive looking people. I think the fact that you get attention from people who are closer to you physically just gives you this 'plan B' in your mind and you eventually give into it, as it's more convenient. And yes, that does mean the couples I've seen to be successful in long distance are less attractive, but they're happy together and that's all that matters. What I'm saying is, social pressure gets to you at some point. If you let it. Or get desperate. Just a thought.
 
Been in a long distance relationship for about 2.5 years.
This year she is moving 3000 miles to be with me, and we are getting married.

So it works out sometimes.
 
Didn't work out for me, but I guess its a good test of how much you really like each other. There is no reason it can't work out if you are both committed to making it work, but I'm not a fan and I wouldn't do it again.
 
A long distance relationship can work out, but only if it's temporary. If there isn't a goal to ually have it be short distance, it won't work
 
My wife and I were in a long distance relationship for awhile but you have to eventually move to be together otherwise whats the point of this whole thing?
 
I was in Canada and she was in Japan. We were long distance for about a year. Now we both live together in Japan.

I think long distance is possible as long as you have a schedule and are taking active steps towards being together.
 
It also necessitates one of you giving up your life in that part of the world and moving to a new location, along with huge risk.
 
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