crowphoenix
Banned
Aw, man. Where have I been?
-
Hey Guest. Check out your NeoGAF Wrapped 2025 results here!
"SPREAD" - Neogaf Collaborative Fiction - final edits deadline.
- Thread starter m0dus
- Start date
- Status
crowphoenix
Banned
I'll get my peer review in tomorrow.
crowphoenix
Banned
Yeah, I'm going to need a moment to think over that one, En. Strong entry for sure.
"The Nameless" by Ben G. Raven
The best thing about this one is the distinctive flavor. The cynical stoicism of the main character and his last charge do feel very Russian. The story captures that flavor and sprinkles it throughout to give the whole a very cohesive feel.
The main problem I have is following the throughline. What I mean is that the story, at bottom, is very simple: the guy is working on clearing a monorail of ice and snow, with some companions. They leave, go underground, walk a ways. Rocks fall, everyone dies. So far, so good. This simple storyline is augmented and embellished by flashbacks and memories, fleshing out what the apocalypse has been like in Russia. And this is where I began to have some difficulties. I would lose the thread of the main throughline on some of the tangents/flashbacks, so that when we came back to the main thread, I'd be confused. "Wait, they're where now?"
I don't think this should be too difficult to address. It's mainly a matter of tenses, paragraph breaks, and other subtle cues, as I see it.
A few quick examples A whole bunch of suggestions:
"His grandfather told him stories..." I'm lost for a second. His grandfather's still alive? How old is this guy? Oh, ok. This is a flashback. "His grandfather had told him stories..." could alleviate this.
"13:10
They could have spread outward...
A call came from behind him..."
They? The group of survivors Yuri's hangin with? Oh, 'hunting trails.' I guess 'they' is still the upirs. But wait, a call came from behind him? Now we're back to Yuri? I think moving the timestamp one paragraph down would help here.
"Yuri could fight one fairly easily by then..." By then? So this is a flashback. Wait, no, it's future plans. "by now..." would fix this confusion. Also "standing in the mass below would be suicidal."
"At the station they found Naum..." Could use a paragraph break before this sentence.
"when they believed the upir..." Another smattering of odd tense. Maybe "when they believed the upirhad reacted by sight and might mistake a fake wall for real..."
"At the bottom, two guards..." Could use a paragraph break here.
"Yuri's sanctum was well hidden..." Another confusing tense. Maybe "Yuri's sanctum had been well hidden..." And then "Yuri had followed them in the dark..." You don't need a 'had' for every verb, but a few sprinkled in there would really help. Also, same paragraph: "He remembered The slow staccato of gunshots was like firecrackers..." The 'he remembered' bit confuses the tense again.
"Bits of faltering light..." and then "When they left the guards..." makes leaving the guards feel like another flashback. Maybe some rearranging of sentences there, or maybe some slight rewording would help.
"As his family grew, he had begun to build more..." Again, just needs another 'had' in there to tether us.
"There was a feeling of peace among them." I was still thinking of Elizavetka and Anina, so this 'them' threw me off again. Maybe "There was a feeling of peace among the crew"? Then, "the same bombing runs that had destroyed the ceiling..."
"Some day they would leave their holes..." Nothing wrong with this paragraph, but... huh? I thought Yuri's goal was to follow the monorail, find boats, and get the hell out of dodge? Now he doesn't want to do that?
"Suddenly they felt the stone walls shaking." Feels weird to me somehow. Maybe it's the 'suddenly.' How about "The stone walls shook"?
"their vampires destroyed the once proud country." Surely Russia is more than just some country. It's the Motherland, Mother Russia!
"he took a confident step forward when several bricks shattered at the creature's feet." Makes it sound like bricks shattered, then step forward. Putting the bricks in a new sentence might work better. "His throat had clenched..." Hey! Get rid of that 'had'!
Also, why doesn't the crew try to help Naum? It's just one upir at that point. Seemed a little weird.
"There were six lying face-first in the dust, then Yuri's heart beat once, then there were a dozen." Awesome sentence.
"he stared into the dark at the top of the ramp." "From the top of the ramp"?
And, final paragraph. Great, great ending... but I want more impact! I think adding a few paragraph breaks to separate out the impact moments would help.
Something like this:
"He prayed softly and found at that moment a peace of mind. The home that smelled of cat piss and open, empty cans of food. But it was his home, his Motherland and he thought of his wife and child. He could run; however he refused to let Anina and Elizavetka be dead memories. He would be a one man wave and crash upon the hordes; if he died he would be a hero to his people and see his children and
wife in the afterlife.
He tightened his ice chopper so hard in his hands that it became a longer, sharper forearm. He began to run down into the tunnel, moving past still wiggling bodies, his mouth screaming a loud "NO" to his enemies: the American vampires, the upir.
His "no" came out as a defiant whisper; a final, wet "nyet" that was lost in the crush."
Good stuff, my friend. I did a lot of nitpicking here, but on the whole it was a good read and a great character.
The best thing about this one is the distinctive flavor. The cynical stoicism of the main character and his last charge do feel very Russian. The story captures that flavor and sprinkles it throughout to give the whole a very cohesive feel.
The main problem I have is following the throughline. What I mean is that the story, at bottom, is very simple: the guy is working on clearing a monorail of ice and snow, with some companions. They leave, go underground, walk a ways. Rocks fall, everyone dies. So far, so good. This simple storyline is augmented and embellished by flashbacks and memories, fleshing out what the apocalypse has been like in Russia. And this is where I began to have some difficulties. I would lose the thread of the main throughline on some of the tangents/flashbacks, so that when we came back to the main thread, I'd be confused. "Wait, they're where now?"
I don't think this should be too difficult to address. It's mainly a matter of tenses, paragraph breaks, and other subtle cues, as I see it.
"His grandfather told him stories..." I'm lost for a second. His grandfather's still alive? How old is this guy? Oh, ok. This is a flashback. "His grandfather had told him stories..." could alleviate this.
"13:10
They could have spread outward...
A call came from behind him..."
They? The group of survivors Yuri's hangin with? Oh, 'hunting trails.' I guess 'they' is still the upirs. But wait, a call came from behind him? Now we're back to Yuri? I think moving the timestamp one paragraph down would help here.
"Yuri could fight one fairly easily by then..." By then? So this is a flashback. Wait, no, it's future plans. "by now..." would fix this confusion. Also "standing in the mass below would be suicidal."
"At the station they found Naum..." Could use a paragraph break before this sentence.
"when they believed the upir..." Another smattering of odd tense. Maybe "when they believed the upir
"At the bottom, two guards..." Could use a paragraph break here.
"Yuri's sanctum was well hidden..." Another confusing tense. Maybe "Yuri's sanctum had been well hidden..." And then "Yuri had followed them in the dark..." You don't need a 'had' for every verb, but a few sprinkled in there would really help. Also, same paragraph: "
"Bits of faltering light..." and then "When they left the guards..." makes leaving the guards feel like another flashback. Maybe some rearranging of sentences there, or maybe some slight rewording would help.
"As his family grew, he had begun to build more..." Again, just needs another 'had' in there to tether us.
"There was a feeling of peace among them." I was still thinking of Elizavetka and Anina, so this 'them' threw me off again. Maybe "There was a feeling of peace among the crew"? Then, "the same bombing runs that had destroyed the ceiling..."
"Some day they would leave their holes..." Nothing wrong with this paragraph, but... huh? I thought Yuri's goal was to follow the monorail, find boats, and get the hell out of dodge? Now he doesn't want to do that?
"Suddenly they felt the stone walls shaking." Feels weird to me somehow. Maybe it's the 'suddenly.' How about "The stone walls shook"?
"their vampires destroyed the once proud country." Surely Russia is more than just some country. It's the Motherland, Mother Russia!
"he took a confident step forward when several bricks shattered at the creature's feet." Makes it sound like bricks shattered, then step forward. Putting the bricks in a new sentence might work better. "His throat had clenched..." Hey! Get rid of that 'had'!
Also, why doesn't the crew try to help Naum? It's just one upir at that point. Seemed a little weird."There were six lying face-first in the dust, then Yuri's heart beat once, then there were a dozen." Awesome sentence.
"he stared into the dark at the top of the ramp." "From the top of the ramp"?
And, final paragraph. Great, great ending... but I want more impact! I think adding a few paragraph breaks to separate out the impact moments would help.
Something like this:
"He prayed softly and found at that moment a peace of mind. The home that smelled of cat piss and open, empty cans of food. But it was his home, his Motherland and he thought of his wife and child. He could run; however he refused to let Anina and Elizavetka be dead memories. He would be a one man wave and crash upon the hordes; if he died he would be a hero to his people and see his children and
wife in the afterlife.
He tightened his ice chopper so hard in his hands that it became a longer, sharper forearm. He began to run down into the tunnel, moving past still wiggling bodies, his mouth screaming a loud "NO" to his enemies: the American vampires, the upir.
His "no" came out as a defiant whisper; a final, wet "nyet" that was lost in the crush."
Good stuff, my friend. I did a lot of nitpicking here, but on the whole it was a good read and a great character.
ZephyrFate
Banned
yes i am here, it's just that I was recently rejected from Portland State University for graduate school for next year so I'm kind of at a loss of what I'm gonna do to support myself for the next year and I'm kind of super freaking out
so i am taking this spring break to get away from all of that and just relax as if the world isn't continuously turning on its axis, bringing each day closer and with the dawn comes the paranoia
i apologize but i am not in a state to do much writing, or review writing, or do anything besides tune everything out for a short period
so i am taking this spring break to get away from all of that and just relax as if the world isn't continuously turning on its axis, bringing each day closer and with the dawn comes the paranoia
i apologize but i am not in a state to do much writing, or review writing, or do anything besides tune everything out for a short period
bengraven
Member
See, this is why I need editors.
I wrote this story nearly 2 years ago now and proofread it a dozen or so times after that, then left it to come back to. I suppose now is a good time to come back to it.
m0dus made some good changes, too. I'll go back and see if your suggestions work within the frame.
Thanks a ton man.
Gotta get your head on straight after being rejected, I understand the feeling. Good luck and take your time bro.
I wrote this story nearly 2 years ago now and proofread it a dozen or so times after that, then left it to come back to. I suppose now is a good time to come back to it.
m0dus made some good changes, too. I'll go back and see if your suggestions work within the frame.
Thanks a ton man.
ZephyrFate said:
Gotta get your head on straight after being rejected, I understand the feeling. Good luck and take your time bro.
Ignis Fatuus
Banned
Hey guys I haven't forgotten you, I just have a lot of things going on academically, professionally, and in what few other hobby commitments I hold.
I will find time to do this, if not this week then next.
I will find time to do this, if not this week then next.
Like I said, it was all pretty minor stuff. Mainly making transitions between present and past more apparent.bengraven said:
No problem!Thanks a ton man.
Ok, I had at least one person say they would try to get to this story today. So I'll wait until tomorrow to move on to nitewulf's. Those of you who've been procrastinating, please read/comment on bengraven's story today!
crowphoenix
Banned
Man, I know that. Keep strong, bud. If you need an ear, my PM box is always open.ZephyrFate said:
bengraven
Member
Cyan said:
I think I've talked to you guys about this before, but I have the worst habit in my writing: I default to present sense for some reason. Even if I start writing past tense, I will go back and re-read and find entire paragraphs in present tense. I don't know why, maybe I'm secretly some form of chronological dyslexic or something. haha
crowphoenix
Banned
Well, I don't see how I can top Cyan's critiques, but here goes.
I absolutely adored that you treated the creatures as a force of nature that had to be worked around rather than an enemy that had to be fought. I really enjoyed the piece and how it was told. However, I did have some trouble with a few sentences here and there that I had to reread several times to understand (Coming straight from the Dresden Files didn't help), and I thought the constant references to the blight being the work of capitalists to be a distracting cliche, but other wise, wonderful story.
I absolutely adored that you treated the creatures as a force of nature that had to be worked around rather than an enemy that had to be fought. I really enjoyed the piece and how it was told. However, I did have some trouble with a few sentences here and there that I had to reread several times to understand (Coming straight from the Dresden Files didn't help), and I thought the constant references to the blight being the work of capitalists to be a distracting cliche, but other wise, wonderful story.
bengraven
Member
crowphoenix said:
I didn't want to add them, but I read that story about WWII and it just helped make the story go. I liked the idea of how strong the Russian people are and how much they cling to the past. It only felt natural that they would go back to old hatreds and assume this was something the Americans had cooked up.
I didn't want to add them, but I'm pretty happy I did. I suppose I should re-read it and see if some are just a bit too glaring however.
Thanks.
hey_monkey
Banned
okay shit I'm here and will try to get caught up :/
All right, ya lazy bums. You've had a week. Time to move on to our next entry. (do feel free to go back and give ben a little feedback)
Next up, nitewulf's chapter: "The Lesser Evil"
Again, let's see if we can get him some feedback by the end of the weekend. I understand if people are busy, but that's why we're doing one story at a time!
Next up, nitewulf's chapter: "The Lesser Evil"
Again, let's see if we can get him some feedback by the end of the weekend. I understand if people are busy, but that's why we're doing one story at a time!
crowphoenix
Banned
I read it awhile back and gave him critiques then. I'll read it again on Sunday and see if I'm any smarter.
Future PhaZe
Member
Sorry I'm so late guys, plan to critique the others soon.
bengraven's 'Crush'
First of all I enjoyed the setting, it was an escape from the norm and will likely add to the variety of Spread as a whole. Cyan echoed my thoughts in that you captured Russia fairly well, and the story is fairly consistent in tone throughout. Yuri's cynism in the face of hope creates a disconsolate environment, and right from the get go we get the sense that things will not end well.
Just some things I came upon:
Yuri scoffed a cloud of steam in the frigid air and watched the wave below him as the light began to fade
on the horizon.
Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but Yuri scoffed a cloud of steam? Yuri coughed a cloud with contempt? Scoff might be applicable here, and correct me if I'm wrong but I might suggest different word use.
Yuri's wife coined the phrase "upir" or "vampire". There was no other explanation: they looked human, but acted like monster
Nothing really wrong here but while vampires and monsters are essentially one in the same, a more apt comparison might be made here to justify the nickname. There was no other explanation: they looked human, but feasted upon the blood of man. Probably something better than that without being too wordy.
Hunched over babushkas with scarves on their head walked with the strength of
men as if their arthritis doesn't exist
Written in past tense correct?As if their arthritis didn't exist.
A stripper in nothing but a long fur coat and plastic Barbie doll tits
crawled forward on bloodied palms; with every attempt to stand on her high-heels, she lost balance.
Very visual description here but lost balance and...just visually I expected to be told what came next. She's crawling forward on her palms (clear enough), with every attempt to stand on her high-heels (I'm guessing it's a simultaneous action), then loses balance...then you drift off to another sentence.
This was not the only migratory group. There were dozens of
these herds; perhaps, he thought, a group of these creatures could be called a "murder", like crows, since they seemed to circle the city like carrion bird searching for the dead. But like vampires, they only took a bite from each person and moved on.
Maybe I'm missing something but murder doesn't seem to be an apt description here. A murder...like crows? Is there a species of murder crows I'm missing? This confused me. I like the final sentence, but the use of murder flew over my head.
Once on the river, they could find boats and be free to march north
of the city. But then they would have to be willing to brave the open fields. Yuri could fight one fairly easily by then and had fought two at a time with minimal wounds. Three or more were frightening and standing in the mass below was suicidal
I was kind of jolted out of my sense of place by this paragraph. You seem to be describing a route here, an intention, and then suddenly the sentence is described as if it's happening in real time. The next paragraph begins with :
The other six ice cleaners were in front of him. Pietro reprimanded Abram for having dropped his ice
chipper thirty feet to the streets below
I'm a bit tired as I write this, so forgive any issues with my own understanding of things, but these two paragraphs in succession really hurt my understanding of the situation as it stood at that point, but I digress..
The
remnants of fiberglass scattered upon the ground from when they believed the upir had reacted by sight and, perhaps, mistook a fake wall for real: Samuil being knocked to the ground and black fingernails excavating his lungs had nullified that particular hypothesis, however
This confused me. Perhaps you could expand upon what you meant? Obviously some fatal fiberglass inhalation took place here but the structure of the paragraph makes it hard for me to visualize what you were trying to illustrate.
There were some grammar issues and typos that I didn't point out but they should be fairly easy to correct upon another read-through by whoever does the editing. I enjoyed the story, just make sure that the transition between a memory and what's happening in the present is comprehensive for the reader.
I apologize if some of these things were already pointed out by other critiques, I have't read them in full yet.
I will move on to the next writer soon.
bengraven's 'Crush'
First of all I enjoyed the setting, it was an escape from the norm and will likely add to the variety of Spread as a whole. Cyan echoed my thoughts in that you captured Russia fairly well, and the story is fairly consistent in tone throughout. Yuri's cynism in the face of hope creates a disconsolate environment, and right from the get go we get the sense that things will not end well.
Just some things I came upon:
Yuri scoffed a cloud of steam in the frigid air and watched the wave below him as the light began to fade
on the horizon.
Perhaps I'm reading this wrong, but Yuri scoffed a cloud of steam? Yuri coughed a cloud with contempt? Scoff might be applicable here, and correct me if I'm wrong but I might suggest different word use.
Yuri's wife coined the phrase "upir" or "vampire". There was no other explanation: they looked human, but acted like monster
Nothing really wrong here but while vampires and monsters are essentially one in the same, a more apt comparison might be made here to justify the nickname. There was no other explanation: they looked human, but feasted upon the blood of man. Probably something better than that without being too wordy.
Hunched over babushkas with scarves on their head walked with the strength of
men as if their arthritis doesn't exist
Written in past tense correct?As if their arthritis didn't exist.
A stripper in nothing but a long fur coat and plastic Barbie doll tits
crawled forward on bloodied palms; with every attempt to stand on her high-heels, she lost balance.
Very visual description here but lost balance and...just visually I expected to be told what came next. She's crawling forward on her palms (clear enough), with every attempt to stand on her high-heels (I'm guessing it's a simultaneous action), then loses balance...then you drift off to another sentence.
This was not the only migratory group. There were dozens of
these herds; perhaps, he thought, a group of these creatures could be called a "murder", like crows, since they seemed to circle the city like carrion bird searching for the dead. But like vampires, they only took a bite from each person and moved on.
Maybe I'm missing something but murder doesn't seem to be an apt description here. A murder...like crows? Is there a species of murder crows I'm missing? This confused me. I like the final sentence, but the use of murder flew over my head.
Once on the river, they could find boats and be free to march north
of the city. But then they would have to be willing to brave the open fields. Yuri could fight one fairly easily by then and had fought two at a time with minimal wounds. Three or more were frightening and standing in the mass below was suicidal
I was kind of jolted out of my sense of place by this paragraph. You seem to be describing a route here, an intention, and then suddenly the sentence is described as if it's happening in real time. The next paragraph begins with :
The other six ice cleaners were in front of him. Pietro reprimanded Abram for having dropped his ice
chipper thirty feet to the streets below
I'm a bit tired as I write this, so forgive any issues with my own understanding of things, but these two paragraphs in succession really hurt my understanding of the situation as it stood at that point, but I digress..
The
remnants of fiberglass scattered upon the ground from when they believed the upir had reacted by sight and, perhaps, mistook a fake wall for real: Samuil being knocked to the ground and black fingernails excavating his lungs had nullified that particular hypothesis, however
This confused me. Perhaps you could expand upon what you meant? Obviously some fatal fiberglass inhalation took place here but the structure of the paragraph makes it hard for me to visualize what you were trying to illustrate.
There were some grammar issues and typos that I didn't point out but they should be fairly easy to correct upon another read-through by whoever does the editing. I enjoyed the story, just make sure that the transition between a memory and what's happening in the present is comprehensive for the reader.
I apologize if some of these things were already pointed out by other critiques, I have't read them in full yet.
I will move on to the next writer soon.
Wow people, about time. I put up the last chapters for peer review and nobody made any comments. I've since put the PDFs on dropbox, and you suddenly reappear.
Next time, drop a bro a pm or two..
Cyan, I appreciate your taking the initiative. Where are we at this point? I see nitewolf's chapter has been posted, which would make zephyrfate's the next one up. Also, I assume everyone is making their edits to the google docs version, correct?
Next time, drop a bro a pm or two..
Cyan, I appreciate your taking the initiative. Where are we at this point? I see nitewolf's chapter has been posted, which would make zephyrfate's the next one up. Also, I assume everyone is making their edits to the google docs version, correct?
"The Lesser Evil" by nitewulf
Read this a few days ago. Rereading and noting thoughts as I go:
The opening is confusing. Who's talking? The "measure of finality" suggests it's not the POV character, and the following line suggests it's the boy. Could be fixed with a change to "Siloh's answer came..." but then that would suggest Siloh is the boy. Maybe a wee bit of rearrangement?
"Every part of his body seemed made" Seemed to whom? Weird if Siloh's the POV character.
"Their voices trailed off inside Tim's head..." Wait, what? Who the hell is Tim? And why haven't I so much as seen his name before the second page? Ok, I guess Tim is the POV character, then. And he's the boy? But in that case, why did he describe himself as looking haggard, caked with dirt, etc. Also, if he's the POV, his name really needs to show up earlier.
"It wasn't as simple as that..." As simple as what?
"these past few weeks" This construction confused me on the tense.
Wait, now I get it. We're doing POV swapping, argh. Or possibly omniscient. Ok... I won't try to force my POV views on you. But every switch, I get confused and further unhooked from the story. I could really use some way of telling when the switch happens, so it isn't so jarring.
"'We leave at midnight.' [para] Around midnight..." Another jar. I almost missed the time jump. An asterisk or some such for the scene change would be nice. Wouldn't even need the "around midnight" then.
"Belt Parkway was dead." Ha!
"Without slowing down" through "swarm of mutants". I'd love a few more paragraph breaks in here to help the action move smoothly, but that's a stylistic choice. *shrug* Same goes for the next big chunk of action.
And... got to the end. Got too caught up once they reach the gate to stop and comment. Nicely done.
On the whole, this is a good one. Cruel and stark, but it ultimately makes perfect sense. Siloh isn't fucking around, he does exactly what he has to. Solid prose and an enigma of a main character give this a solid foundation. Good imagery and an excellent conflict round out the piece.
The POV issues that I struggled with... well, the omniscience is inextricable from the piece. Once I figured out that was what it was, it wasn't as hard to follow. But the flashbacks are problematic. Especially jumping into Elora's flashback shortly after Tim's. It was enormously confusing, and I still think some indicator is called for. The voices trailing off in Tim's head tell us he's about to have a flashback, but there's no such thing for Elora's. It could even be an action tag leading into the italics. Doesn't have to be an obvious "she fell into reminiscence" or some such.
Like bengraven's, while I nitpicked, this is a good read.
Well done.
Read this a few days ago. Rereading and noting thoughts as I go:
The opening is confusing. Who's talking? The "measure of finality" suggests it's not the POV character, and the following line suggests it's the boy. Could be fixed with a change to "Siloh's answer came..." but then that would suggest Siloh is the boy. Maybe a wee bit of rearrangement?
"Every part of his body seemed made" Seemed to whom? Weird if Siloh's the POV character.
"Their voices trailed off inside Tim's head..." Wait, what? Who the hell is Tim? And why haven't I so much as seen his name before the second page? Ok, I guess Tim is the POV character, then. And he's the boy? But in that case, why did he describe himself as looking haggard, caked with dirt, etc. Also, if he's the POV, his name really needs to show up earlier.
"It wasn't as simple as that..." As simple as what?
"these past few weeks" This construction confused me on the tense.
Wait, now I get it. We're doing POV swapping, argh. Or possibly omniscient. Ok... I won't try to force my POV views on you. But every switch, I get confused and further unhooked from the story. I could really use some way of telling when the switch happens, so it isn't so jarring.
"'We leave at midnight.' [para] Around midnight..." Another jar. I almost missed the time jump. An asterisk or some such for the scene change would be nice. Wouldn't even need the "around midnight" then.
"Belt Parkway was dead." Ha!
"Without slowing down" through "swarm of mutants". I'd love a few more paragraph breaks in here to help the action move smoothly, but that's a stylistic choice. *shrug* Same goes for the next big chunk of action.
And... got to the end. Got too caught up once they reach the gate to stop and comment. Nicely done.
On the whole, this is a good one. Cruel and stark, but it ultimately makes perfect sense. Siloh isn't fucking around, he does exactly what he has to. Solid prose and an enigma of a main character give this a solid foundation. Good imagery and an excellent conflict round out the piece.
The POV issues that I struggled with... well, the omniscience is inextricable from the piece. Once I figured out that was what it was, it wasn't as hard to follow. But the flashbacks are problematic. Especially jumping into Elora's flashback shortly after Tim's. It was enormously confusing, and I still think some indicator is called for. The voices trailing off in Tim's head tell us he's about to have a flashback, but there's no such thing for Elora's. It could even be an action tag leading into the italics. Doesn't have to be an obvious "she fell into reminiscence" or some such.
Like bengraven's, while I nitpicked, this is a good read.
Well done.
hey_monkey
Banned
I am so sorry, dudes. I am in the midst of getting a litmag off the ground and web design fell into my lap, and I am way slow and possibly mentally deficient at such things and so have had LITERALLY zero spare time lately between that and everything else. I'm wrapping up final changes now and then should have a grace period before the next wave of work starts on this. I'll try to get caught up. If you need/want to cut me due to my utter inability to get my shit together and help out, I understand, but I will really try to get in here soon.
ZephyrFate
Banned
i am so afraid of what you guys will say about mine. it's terrible, i know it.
Future PhaZe
Member
Review coming tonight
crowphoenix
Banned
Bah. I'm so damn scatterbrained right now.Cyan said:
Future PhaZe
Member
"The Lesser Evil" by nitewulf
There is not much that I can say that Cyan hasn't already. Ultimately my confusion came from the various changes in POV, which were sudden and unexpected. More consistency in terms of POV would likely prove to make for a better read--obviously that may result in a change in some of the flash backs.
I might have been interested in knowing a bit more from Silohs perspective, who seems to be the most interesting character by far, but I could see how that could cause problems.
The sacrifice in the story wasn't touching enough for me, mainly because I just didn't get enough from the characters on an emotional level. I completely understand the difficulty surrounding that given length requirements, but I felt you made it to easy for me to swallow it all. The brutality of the ending was someone stunted by the reluctant acceptance of Elora at the end--going as far as to include a poignant monologue by Siloh that she accepts instantly. It was a bit hard to swallow.
I felt myself doubting the flow of events, not so much the fact that one man couldn't serve as an ample distraction for a vehicle to move forward, unhindered, but just the natural sequence of events that seemed to go so according to plan: Simply throwing Elora to the ground and the Walkers completely focusing on her, her complete acceptance and selflessness, Siloh's thought process of sacrificing himself for the group initially (and his fantastic combat abilities) matched with later sacrificing Elora, and finally it ends with no real understanding of why Elora couldn't just run backward to safety--concluding with the final words, "Run", which make me wonder if a sacrifice even took place. And considering the well armed colony, one would have to wonder why someone as skilled and experienced as Siloh couldn't have come up with some simple way to distract the Walkers, be it items such as flares, torches...but admittedly there is a definite possibility that nothing of the sort was available and I'm reaching a bit.
But I digress, ultimately we are left with not a ton of emotion, because we don't even know if Elora is dead or alive, we don't know much of anything about Siloh, certain POV characters offer almost nothing other than memory...it is just a bit disjointed and numb for my tastes.
That's not to say that all is lost, I absolutely adored some of your use of description (the opening scene was fantastic and I was hoping for a tale that would take us through that described setting) and I don't feel as if the general concept lacks merit; I just wonder if certain major changes shouldn't be made: A conclusive, doubtless end for Elora and a more focused POV might help the tale considerably.
Can't wait to see the finished product either way, thanks for the read. I'm interested in other opinions.
There is not much that I can say that Cyan hasn't already. Ultimately my confusion came from the various changes in POV, which were sudden and unexpected. More consistency in terms of POV would likely prove to make for a better read--obviously that may result in a change in some of the flash backs.
I might have been interested in knowing a bit more from Silohs perspective, who seems to be the most interesting character by far, but I could see how that could cause problems.
The sacrifice in the story wasn't touching enough for me, mainly because I just didn't get enough from the characters on an emotional level. I completely understand the difficulty surrounding that given length requirements, but I felt you made it to easy for me to swallow it all. The brutality of the ending was someone stunted by the reluctant acceptance of Elora at the end--going as far as to include a poignant monologue by Siloh that she accepts instantly. It was a bit hard to swallow.
I felt myself doubting the flow of events, not so much the fact that one man couldn't serve as an ample distraction for a vehicle to move forward, unhindered, but just the natural sequence of events that seemed to go so according to plan: Simply throwing Elora to the ground and the Walkers completely focusing on her, her complete acceptance and selflessness, Siloh's thought process of sacrificing himself for the group initially (and his fantastic combat abilities) matched with later sacrificing Elora, and finally it ends with no real understanding of why Elora couldn't just run backward to safety--concluding with the final words, "Run", which make me wonder if a sacrifice even took place. And considering the well armed colony, one would have to wonder why someone as skilled and experienced as Siloh couldn't have come up with some simple way to distract the Walkers, be it items such as flares, torches...but admittedly there is a definite possibility that nothing of the sort was available and I'm reaching a bit.
But I digress, ultimately we are left with not a ton of emotion, because we don't even know if Elora is dead or alive, we don't know much of anything about Siloh, certain POV characters offer almost nothing other than memory...it is just a bit disjointed and numb for my tastes.
That's not to say that all is lost, I absolutely adored some of your use of description (the opening scene was fantastic and I was hoping for a tale that would take us through that described setting) and I don't feel as if the general concept lacks merit; I just wonder if certain major changes shouldn't be made: A conclusive, doubtless end for Elora and a more focused POV might help the tale considerably.
Can't wait to see the finished product either way, thanks for the read. I'm interested in other opinions.
Right then, let's move on, shall we?
Next up is ZephyrFate's chapter, "The Paths We Walk."
If you've skipped over nitewulf, feel free to go back and give him some feedback as well, but let's get on to Zeph's. Go!
Next up is ZephyrFate's chapter, "The Paths We Walk."
If you've skipped over nitewulf, feel free to go back and give him some feedback as well, but let's get on to Zeph's. Go!
ZephyrFate
Banned
Re-reading it I can see absolutely abundant grammatical errors. Yikes!
crowphoenix
Banned
Take it as a sign that you're improving. Anyway, I'll read it tonight.ZephyrFate said:
crowphoenix
Banned
Nitewulf
We who, boy? would work a lot better if the boy was alone. As it stands, itd probably be best if Siloh asked if only the kids needed to go.
Ive said it before, but I still really enjoy this piece. However, something struck me this time. Siloh said that they would discuss the price before they left, but as its written he sprung the actual price on Elora. Thats something that needs to be addressed.
Also, I think the others are right. This needs a more consistent narrator. Elora is probably the best choice, and you'd be able to explain everything you needed to without losing too much.
Edit: Read through Zeph's. Going to give it another read later before I give my critique.
We who, boy? would work a lot better if the boy was alone. As it stands, itd probably be best if Siloh asked if only the kids needed to go.
Ive said it before, but I still really enjoy this piece. However, something struck me this time. Siloh said that they would discuss the price before they left, but as its written he sprung the actual price on Elora. Thats something that needs to be addressed.
Also, I think the others are right. This needs a more consistent narrator. Elora is probably the best choice, and you'd be able to explain everything you needed to without losing too much.
Edit: Read through Zeph's. Going to give it another read later before I give my critique.
bengraven
Member
I still have to read the last couple stories. Still here; will get to them.
I'm not procrastinating, I just have "drive-by browsing": I write something, get up and make something for my kid to eat, sit back down and check GAF, get up and play blocks with the kid, sit back down, get something to eat, sit back down... ha
I'm not procrastinating, I just have "drive-by browsing": I write something, get up and make something for my kid to eat, sit back down and check GAF, get up and play blocks with the kid, sit back down, get something to eat, sit back down... ha
Future PhaZe
Member
I need to subscribe to this thread...
Review coming within 2 days.
Review coming within 2 days.
"The Paths We Walk" by ZephyrFate
Giving this one the same treatment as the other pieces. Zeph, from your earlier comment, you've noticed the grammar stuff already. But I'll include it anyway if I spot it, just in case.
"He knew at that moment..." confusing. Feels like the present, but then it's eight years in the past. Maybe "he had known" or some other form would help clear this up.
"The bitter winds blew harshly..." since it's the same tense as the previous paragraph, I didn't get that it was now the present until the line about the boy being fifteen. Could use some kind of transition or clarification at the start of the para.
"that that movement..." reads weird. Just use one 'that.'
"the idea was so simple..." what idea? The wording in these sentences is a bit awkward. Maybe "the idea of giving up..."
"That was the sole motivator." Oddly worded. Maybe "that was his sole motivation"?
"After some time, he noticed..." Disjoint. Could maybe use a paragraph break before this sentence.
"The cellar was composed of many catacombs..." few tense issues. "took him several days" s/b "had taken him several days". "The last time he pondered..." s/b "The last time he had pondered."
"awkward sense of peace" I have no idea what an awkward sense of peace would feel like. Might choose a different word than "awkward."
"numerous pathways that lead" s/b "led". "tools to hunt, and..." remove comma.
"one small room that was his bedroom" odd wording. Maybe "one small room that he used as a bedroom"?
"the room was entirely encompassed..." surely not. A four foot statue? Actually, after finishing the paragraph, it sounds like 'encompass' really is the right word. Still seems odd. I mean, the statue must be quite large in its other dimensions...
"desiccated world" knowing you, this is metaphor and not error of usage. But "desiccated" still feels off.
"Before going to sleep..." this paragraph has some tense oddities. The first 'would' demands another in the next sentence. "He would rest the basin..." To avoid endless 'would', you might want to change the next sentence. "Often, the boy looked into the mirror and just stared..." "the next day isn't the day he dies" s/b "the next day wasn't the day he died"
"He had forsaken those thoughts..." Gah! Really want a paragraph break here. The switch from habit/routine to here-and-now is jarring without that.
"at times, if she decided to yell" maybe just have it happen once rather than "at times"?
"Something was different this day" don't tell us, show us! can the boy walk out in realtime, then see the frozen infected? "it did not move whatsoever" how about some realtime rather than narrative summary?
"every now and then the man would twitch" I though he didn't move whatsoever?
"its chest arcing upwards with his eyes wide open..." is it a 'him' or an 'it'? Probably the former, since the boy's thinking of him as a man.
"the boy would become" s/b "the boy would have become"
"his eyes seemed devoid of emotion" would be stronger as "his eyes were devoid of emotion"
"the boy thought to himself" don't need this
"infected were beginning to walk toward him" I think s/b "infected began to walk toward him"
"inimical to his situation" I can see it, but that usage doesn't quite ring true for me.
"Something out there will find me, either life or death" after all this, that's a rather abrupt decision. after all the stoicism, it didn't quite feel right for him. just... so sudden. Maybe a little more time spent on the moment of decision would help.
"he could hear moaning from all around" I want something stronger. "He heard moaning from all around." "Moaning [verbed] from all around." "he could hear" doesn't cut it.
"he picked up the sound of an idling engine was audible" drop one of those.
"the din of the storm, and..." remove comma.
Unconventional, dreamy piece, this one. Suited to your style. I'm not sure I totally get it, with the prophetic dreams and the statue bowl and tears and whatnot. But it's interesting nonetheless. Great ending paragraph, too. That's the Zeph we know and love.
A lot of my comments above were on word choices or grammar. One other thing I wanted to mention, which I only touched on briefly, was the issue of narrative summary versus realtime action. An unusually high proportion of this piece is in narrative summary, which I think contributes to the dreamy feel, but also keeps me from getting as emotionally connected to the piece. I wanted a few more dollops of realtime in the mix. There were a few bits especially suited to it that got the narrative summary treatment instead, like the lone infected showing up.
Some wonderful imagery and metaphor, as I've come to expect from you. Nice work.
Giving this one the same treatment as the other pieces. Zeph, from your earlier comment, you've noticed the grammar stuff already. But I'll include it anyway if I spot it, just in case.
"He knew at that moment..." confusing. Feels like the present, but then it's eight years in the past. Maybe "he had known" or some other form would help clear this up.
"The bitter winds blew harshly..." since it's the same tense as the previous paragraph, I didn't get that it was now the present until the line about the boy being fifteen. Could use some kind of transition or clarification at the start of the para.
"that that movement..." reads weird. Just use one 'that.'
"the idea was so simple..." what idea? The wording in these sentences is a bit awkward. Maybe "the idea of giving up..."
"That was the sole motivator." Oddly worded. Maybe "that was his sole motivation"?
"After some time, he noticed..." Disjoint. Could maybe use a paragraph break before this sentence.
"The cellar was composed of many catacombs..." few tense issues. "took him several days" s/b "had taken him several days". "The last time he pondered..." s/b "The last time he had pondered."
"awkward sense of peace" I have no idea what an awkward sense of peace would feel like. Might choose a different word than "awkward."
"numerous pathways that lead" s/b "led". "tools to hunt, and..." remove comma.
"one small room that was his bedroom" odd wording. Maybe "one small room that he used as a bedroom"?
"the room was entirely encompassed..." surely not. A four foot statue? Actually, after finishing the paragraph, it sounds like 'encompass' really is the right word. Still seems odd. I mean, the statue must be quite large in its other dimensions...
"desiccated world" knowing you, this is metaphor and not error of usage. But "desiccated" still feels off.
"Before going to sleep..." this paragraph has some tense oddities. The first 'would' demands another in the next sentence. "He would rest the basin..." To avoid endless 'would', you might want to change the next sentence. "Often, the boy looked into the mirror and just stared..." "the next day isn't the day he dies" s/b "the next day wasn't the day he died"
"He had forsaken those thoughts..." Gah! Really want a paragraph break here. The switch from habit/routine to here-and-now is jarring without that.
"at times, if she decided to yell" maybe just have it happen once rather than "at times"?
"Something was different this day" don't tell us, show us! can the boy walk out in realtime, then see the frozen infected? "it did not move whatsoever" how about some realtime rather than narrative summary?
"every now and then the man would twitch" I though he didn't move whatsoever?
"its chest arcing upwards with his eyes wide open..." is it a 'him' or an 'it'? Probably the former, since the boy's thinking of him as a man.
"the boy would become" s/b "the boy would have become"
"his eyes seemed devoid of emotion" would be stronger as "his eyes were devoid of emotion"
"the boy thought to himself" don't need this
"infected were beginning to walk toward him" I think s/b "infected began to walk toward him"
"inimical to his situation" I can see it, but that usage doesn't quite ring true for me.
"Something out there will find me, either life or death" after all this, that's a rather abrupt decision. after all the stoicism, it didn't quite feel right for him. just... so sudden. Maybe a little more time spent on the moment of decision would help.
"he could hear moaning from all around" I want something stronger. "He heard moaning from all around." "Moaning [verbed] from all around." "he could hear" doesn't cut it.
"he picked up the sound of an idling engine was audible" drop one of those.
"the din of the storm, and..." remove comma.
Unconventional, dreamy piece, this one. Suited to your style. I'm not sure I totally get it, with the prophetic dreams and the statue bowl and tears and whatnot. But it's interesting nonetheless. Great ending paragraph, too. That's the Zeph we know and love.
A lot of my comments above were on word choices or grammar. One other thing I wanted to mention, which I only touched on briefly, was the issue of narrative summary versus realtime action. An unusually high proportion of this piece is in narrative summary, which I think contributes to the dreamy feel, but also keeps me from getting as emotionally connected to the piece. I wanted a few more dollops of realtime in the mix. There were a few bits especially suited to it that got the narrative summary treatment instead, like the lone infected showing up.
Some wonderful imagery and metaphor, as I've come to expect from you. Nice work.
ZephyrFate
Banned
I went through and fixed all those issues, but the last two aren't in the piece, and I Ctrl-F'd all of it. The narrative issue will take some time.
- Status