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"SPREAD" - Neogaf Collaborative Fiction - final edits deadline.
- Thread starter m0dus
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"Coma" by Tim the Wiz
"elegy for a distant soul" Isn't an elegy a funeral dirge? Why a distant soul and not a lost or dead one, or whatever? The sentence reads awkwardly to me.
"a man was peering out" I'd rather have this active rather than an -ing verb. "the man was silently gorging" ditto.
"It was a view he had not missed... It simply could not be." A lot of verbal dancing around here, and I'm not sure why. It feels circumlocutory, like the narrator's beating around the bush. Maybe more directness would help, or maybe just trimming down some of the extraneous words.
"Why? Because..." Suggest removing these two words and adding a paragraph break. Could probably cut "underneath the three-story window of the building he was in" since it's a bit redundant.
"From his window, he could see" More redundancy--he's the narrator, we know it's him seeing this. Could probably cut and just go with "the emaciated husk..." and swap to past tense for the rest of the para.
"He remembered hearing voices" Enough of a subject change that you might want a paragraph break before this sentence. "And that he was in a coma" Might change "was" to "had been" for clarity (or "had fallen into" or some such, not entirely sure of your intent here).
"the gown he was wearing, the kind only hospitals had" more redundancy or extraneous words, cut ruthlessly! I suggest changing that block into "the hospital gown."
"There was no other explanation." Hmm. Well, I suppose people do say that, so ok. "stuck, trapped, unconcsious mind, perversity and vagaries of dreams, etc" more trimming needed here. "decrepit old man" hang on, what? He's an old man now? If this is the case, it should be established earlier! "clusterfuck of zombies" heh, is this the official term for a zombie herd?
"He tore himself away from the window." This para could use a little trimming too, though it's not as verbose as some of the previous. "The door, locked to the conventional turn..." Suggest a paragraph break before this sentence.
"It almost felt like he was pushed towards..." Accidentally self-aware? Sometimes this kind of language means the writer feels like s/he's pushing the character a little. Maybe let it come more naturally as he scans the room or some such? "He flung himself... into the rear of the apparatus..." Huh? I had a completely different picture of what this looked like. I was envisioning him picking the thing up and ramming it into the door. Could use some description prior to this point so we know what the hell he's trying to do.
"the door was only half a jar open" what does this mean? Is it supposed to be ajar? Because then it's redundant. If not, then I don't know what this sentence means. "before realizing something was blocking the way." How about just "but something was blocking the way"?
"he was too fatigued to glance down at..." This just doesn't ring true. Surely when he tripped, he looked down through sheer instinct, no? How could he be too tired to even glance at something that just tripped him? "which could only be located in a major hospital" redundant. We already know he's in a hospital.
Ok the next bit is kind of hard to quote directly. He sighs in relief that the body isn't who he thinks it is... but then it actually is? What happened here? ... Ok, I reread it. I think what is intended to be happening here is that he imagines walking forward and sighing in relief, but then when he actually does walk forward it's the woman he wished it wasn't. If the sentence I just wrote is confusing, well yeah. That sigh must be cut, or the whole sentence reworded, if you don't want to confuse the hell out of the reader. As is, it reads like it's meant to be actually happening, not as a future hypothetical of several seconds from now.
"lavishly seeking to eat him" 'lavishly' is a bit of a head-scratcher in this context. Are you sure that's the word you want?
"Finally, he understood why it frightened him to look at the bed..." Man! The one place I want you to push a little further, do a little more, and you pull back on the prose! I want more impact here. The final two sentences/paragraphs are excellent, but "This was reality" needs a bigger, stronger build-up in the paragraph just prior to it. This is or should be a major, earth-shaking revelation to the guy. As such, it needs a wee bit more heft!
I like the setting for this piece. When I read the title and first few paragraphs, I thought "oh no, 28 days later", but it was its own thing. And the idea of the man having to come to terms with a new reality was a solid one.
That said, this piece needs a lot of tightening up, especially in the first half. Lots of redundancy, or circumlocution, or just plain bloat. The piece as a whole is rather static and descriptiony, and I think a big part of that feel is due to the excess of verbiage.
As I said before, the ending is good. Punch it up a little, and it'll be excellent! Fun piece.
"elegy for a distant soul" Isn't an elegy a funeral dirge? Why a distant soul and not a lost or dead one, or whatever? The sentence reads awkwardly to me.
"a man was peering out" I'd rather have this active rather than an -ing verb. "the man was silently gorging" ditto.
"It was a view he had not missed... It simply could not be." A lot of verbal dancing around here, and I'm not sure why. It feels circumlocutory, like the narrator's beating around the bush. Maybe more directness would help, or maybe just trimming down some of the extraneous words.
"Why? Because..." Suggest removing these two words and adding a paragraph break. Could probably cut "underneath the three-story window of the building he was in" since it's a bit redundant.
"From his window, he could see" More redundancy--he's the narrator, we know it's him seeing this. Could probably cut and just go with "the emaciated husk..." and swap to past tense for the rest of the para.
"He remembered hearing voices" Enough of a subject change that you might want a paragraph break before this sentence. "And that he was in a coma" Might change "was" to "had been" for clarity (or "had fallen into" or some such, not entirely sure of your intent here).
"the gown he was wearing, the kind only hospitals had" more redundancy or extraneous words, cut ruthlessly! I suggest changing that block into "the hospital gown."
"There was no other explanation." Hmm. Well, I suppose people do say that, so ok. "stuck, trapped, unconcsious mind, perversity and vagaries of dreams, etc" more trimming needed here. "decrepit old man" hang on, what? He's an old man now? If this is the case, it should be established earlier! "clusterfuck of zombies" heh, is this the official term for a zombie herd?
"He tore himself away from the window." This para could use a little trimming too, though it's not as verbose as some of the previous. "The door, locked to the conventional turn..." Suggest a paragraph break before this sentence.
"It almost felt like he was pushed towards..." Accidentally self-aware? Sometimes this kind of language means the writer feels like s/he's pushing the character a little. Maybe let it come more naturally as he scans the room or some such? "He flung himself... into the rear of the apparatus..." Huh? I had a completely different picture of what this looked like. I was envisioning him picking the thing up and ramming it into the door. Could use some description prior to this point so we know what the hell he's trying to do.
"the door was only half a jar open" what does this mean? Is it supposed to be ajar? Because then it's redundant. If not, then I don't know what this sentence means. "before realizing something was blocking the way." How about just "but something was blocking the way"?
"he was too fatigued to glance down at..." This just doesn't ring true. Surely when he tripped, he looked down through sheer instinct, no? How could he be too tired to even glance at something that just tripped him? "which could only be located in a major hospital" redundant. We already know he's in a hospital.
Ok the next bit is kind of hard to quote directly. He sighs in relief that the body isn't who he thinks it is... but then it actually is? What happened here? ... Ok, I reread it. I think what is intended to be happening here is that he imagines walking forward and sighing in relief, but then when he actually does walk forward it's the woman he wished it wasn't. If the sentence I just wrote is confusing, well yeah. That sigh must be cut, or the whole sentence reworded, if you don't want to confuse the hell out of the reader. As is, it reads like it's meant to be actually happening, not as a future hypothetical of several seconds from now.
"lavishly seeking to eat him" 'lavishly' is a bit of a head-scratcher in this context. Are you sure that's the word you want?
"Finally, he understood why it frightened him to look at the bed..." Man! The one place I want you to push a little further, do a little more, and you pull back on the prose! I want more impact here. The final two sentences/paragraphs are excellent, but "This was reality" needs a bigger, stronger build-up in the paragraph just prior to it. This is or should be a major, earth-shaking revelation to the guy. As such, it needs a wee bit more heft!
I like the setting for this piece. When I read the title and first few paragraphs, I thought "oh no, 28 days later", but it was its own thing. And the idea of the man having to come to terms with a new reality was a solid one.
That said, this piece needs a lot of tightening up, especially in the first half. Lots of redundancy, or circumlocution, or just plain bloat. The piece as a whole is rather static and descriptiony, and I think a big part of that feel is due to the excess of verbiage.
As I said before, the ending is good. Punch it up a little, and it'll be excellent! Fun piece.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Thanks for the crit, man. I've thought of it as one of my weaker pieces for quite some time, but it's good to see that someone else sees some potential there. I'll try and rework it soon-ish, as well as getting involved in the next round of crits.
crowphoenix
Banned
Really fallen down on my job here as of late. I'll get the crits up in a day or so.
crowphoenix
Banned
Zeph: Sorry, this one took so long. I read it a few times, and then took a step back to get my thoughts in order. And then I got distracted. Reading this piece right after reading some of your newer work... Man, you've improved a lot over the last year or so.
Anyway, the biggest problem I have with this piece is that you spend a lot of time describing things that just don't feel like they deserve that much explanation. For example, the paragraph describing the statue does so in (What feels like to me) needlessly exacting detail. And as a result, I had to read that passage over because I kept forgetting the first bit of the description by the time I got to the end. And all of that description lacks the vivid imagery I associate with your style.
Also, the infected feel like they were shoe-horned into this piece, as if you tossed them into the story at the very end just to meet a quota. Honestly, I think this piece would be much more compelling if it just about the boy, his life, and his slow loss of sanity. If it lacked the infected, it would make a refreshing change from the rest of our work.
This has the potential to be a powerful piece, but I think it needs to be trimmed, tightened, and rewritten in a way that plays to your strength for simile and metaphor.
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Random Thoughts:
1) Who is speaking at first? Is it remembrances of the mother? Or is it Kyle's imaginings? How does it relate to the happenings of the story?
2) In Paragraph 2: Kyle says that his parents foolishly expended their lives. That doesn't really feel like it fits with his belief that they left him to die.
3) A 15 year old boy that has lived alone since age 7 both reads and writes poetry? In such a bleak setting where Kyle would probably be more focus on survival than leisure, I think this one needs to be better explained. And would be a great chance to expand on his character.
4) If the boy had not seen a dead or dying infected before, what happened to the others that came near his home?
5) The ending is also very sudden, and I'm not sure if it's the dream of the dying Kyle or if he's honestly escaping. I believe it's the former, but I think a few stronger hints would make it feel less like it came out of the blue.
-----------------------------------------------
That said, the scene where Kyle finds the dying infected and simply asks "So, what did you do today?" says so much in so little. Absolutely marvelous.
Anyway, the biggest problem I have with this piece is that you spend a lot of time describing things that just don't feel like they deserve that much explanation. For example, the paragraph describing the statue does so in (What feels like to me) needlessly exacting detail. And as a result, I had to read that passage over because I kept forgetting the first bit of the description by the time I got to the end. And all of that description lacks the vivid imagery I associate with your style.
Also, the infected feel like they were shoe-horned into this piece, as if you tossed them into the story at the very end just to meet a quota. Honestly, I think this piece would be much more compelling if it just about the boy, his life, and his slow loss of sanity. If it lacked the infected, it would make a refreshing change from the rest of our work.
This has the potential to be a powerful piece, but I think it needs to be trimmed, tightened, and rewritten in a way that plays to your strength for simile and metaphor.
--------------------------------
Random Thoughts:
1) Who is speaking at first? Is it remembrances of the mother? Or is it Kyle's imaginings? How does it relate to the happenings of the story?
2) In Paragraph 2: Kyle says that his parents foolishly expended their lives. That doesn't really feel like it fits with his belief that they left him to die.
3) A 15 year old boy that has lived alone since age 7 both reads and writes poetry? In such a bleak setting where Kyle would probably be more focus on survival than leisure, I think this one needs to be better explained. And would be a great chance to expand on his character.
4) If the boy had not seen a dead or dying infected before, what happened to the others that came near his home?
5) The ending is also very sudden, and I'm not sure if it's the dream of the dying Kyle or if he's honestly escaping. I believe it's the former, but I think a few stronger hints would make it feel less like it came out of the blue.
-----------------------------------------------
That said, the scene where Kyle finds the dying infected and simply asks "So, what did you do today?" says so much in so little. Absolutely marvelous.
ZephyrFate
Banned
Well I'm kinda leaving it up to the reader to wonder if Kyle's sanity is slowly seeping away or not. That's why most of the piece doesn't focus on the infected and instead on the boy's inner thoughts of being trapped, alone, for eight years. It's up to you to decide if all the imagery with the statue and the ending in particular is his insanity creeping in, or reality.
bengraven
Member
Okay, because I'm a piece of shit and procrastinating (sorry, full time Mr. Mom now with a very demanding 3 year old), I'm just going to bulk review.
Lesser Evil - Nitewulf -
I've already read this last year (or the year before?) and I will say the intro is much much better. I felt it was a little rough last time. Now it's more professional, very strong. There is one thing that has bothered me since the first one: you never really get a sense of where they're standing in the room and who is actually talking to Siloh. I feel like there's an unearthly presence talking to Siloh and he's almost talking directly to the camera. And when we see Tim's flashback we're like "who is Tim?".
Re-reading it again after just finishing it, I assume the woman Elora thought to tempt the old man's heart by helping just children.
This is a great story, one of my favorites.
The Paths We Walk - ZephyrFate
I can see that you might be criticized for using what seem like supernatural incidents. That said, you should add some more subtleties that make his sanity questionable. And there should be a bit more definitive conclusions toward the end. It's open-ended but should have those subtleties that make a great story of duality even greater.
Taken as it is, one can assume that he's either gone mad, is being tormented by the spirit/demons in the statue, or miraculously/unlikely his mother really came back. I like ambiguity like the next guy, but some parts seem so open ended that they almost seem...rushed maybe? I don't know how to say it: I'm a poor man's Cyan.
I think you have enormous potential with the story and your writing as it usually did in the writing challenges makes me jealous.
Coma - Tim
"From his window, he could see an emaciated husk of what had once been a beautiful woman pass a nearby abandoned ambulance sitting astride two parking zones, its doors left open like flailing arms, and walk into the chest of another, larger, husk. The faces of both contained vacant, beady eyes, and saliva frothing at the expanse of their mouths. The two things bounced off each other, absently reoriented themselves and set about in their random ambling stride once again."
This is a necessary paragraph and well written but feels a bit run-on. Maybe remove the part about the ambulance, which is someone unneccessary, and it would greatly improve the story's flow:
"From his window he could see an emaciated husk that once had been a beautiful woman walk into the chest of another, larger husk. The faces of both contained vacant, beady eyes, and saliva frothing at the expanse of their mouths. The two things bounced off each other, absently reoriented themselves and set about in their random ambling stride once again."
The ambulance part would actually look nice in the next paragraph when he describes the car lot and surroundings.
Fantastic ending! You can tell the small side story that had occurred there of her locking him in to keep him safe. One thing though: "Its eyes were mute, but it ran quickly towards
him..." I thought we were using slow zombies?
Vermin - Crow
I'd like a stronger line at the end maybe. Did he really deserve it? It kind of makes him seem like a tyrant, when all of them are in reality tyrants.
Also I'd like to know where the group the exterminators encounter came from. If I'm reading this right, the exterminators blew up the bus, which is why it's smoking and there are bodies all around? And the survivors of the explosion are the group they talk to?
That said, well done!
Lesser Evil - Nitewulf -
I've already read this last year (or the year before?) and I will say the intro is much much better. I felt it was a little rough last time. Now it's more professional, very strong. There is one thing that has bothered me since the first one: you never really get a sense of where they're standing in the room and who is actually talking to Siloh. I feel like there's an unearthly presence talking to Siloh and he's almost talking directly to the camera. And when we see Tim's flashback we're like "who is Tim?".
Re-reading it again after just finishing it, I assume the woman Elora thought to tempt the old man's heart by helping just children.
This is a great story, one of my favorites.
The Paths We Walk - ZephyrFate
I can see that you might be criticized for using what seem like supernatural incidents. That said, you should add some more subtleties that make his sanity questionable. And there should be a bit more definitive conclusions toward the end. It's open-ended but should have those subtleties that make a great story of duality even greater.
Taken as it is, one can assume that he's either gone mad, is being tormented by the spirit/demons in the statue, or miraculously/unlikely his mother really came back. I like ambiguity like the next guy, but some parts seem so open ended that they almost seem...rushed maybe? I don't know how to say it: I'm a poor man's Cyan.
I think you have enormous potential with the story and your writing as it usually did in the writing challenges makes me jealous.
Coma - Tim
"From his window, he could see an emaciated husk of what had once been a beautiful woman pass a nearby abandoned ambulance sitting astride two parking zones, its doors left open like flailing arms, and walk into the chest of another, larger, husk. The faces of both contained vacant, beady eyes, and saliva frothing at the expanse of their mouths. The two things bounced off each other, absently reoriented themselves and set about in their random ambling stride once again."
This is a necessary paragraph and well written but feels a bit run-on. Maybe remove the part about the ambulance, which is someone unneccessary, and it would greatly improve the story's flow:
"From his window he could see an emaciated husk that once had been a beautiful woman walk into the chest of another, larger husk. The faces of both contained vacant, beady eyes, and saliva frothing at the expanse of their mouths. The two things bounced off each other, absently reoriented themselves and set about in their random ambling stride once again."
The ambulance part would actually look nice in the next paragraph when he describes the car lot and surroundings.
Fantastic ending! You can tell the small side story that had occurred there of her locking him in to keep him safe. One thing though: "Its eyes were mute, but it ran quickly towards
him..." I thought we were using slow zombies?
Vermin - Crow
I'd like a stronger line at the end maybe. Did he really deserve it? It kind of makes him seem like a tyrant, when all of them are in reality tyrants.
Also I'd like to know where the group the exterminators encounter came from. If I'm reading this right, the exterminators blew up the bus, which is why it's smoking and there are bodies all around? And the survivors of the explosion are the group they talk to?
That said, well done!
bengraven
Member
For the record: yes, my short story takes place in the Moscow subway stations after an apocalypse. But I had never heard of Metro 2033. I remember seeing a preview of the game on GAF and immediately wikied the book. I turned around quickly and emailed m0dus right away and was like "I promise I totally did not know about this other post-apocalyptic Moscow subway scenario when I wrote this". I almost shifted the setting, but it just felt like it fit into the Russian landscape, so I kept it.
So this is just to anyone who may have read "Crush" and was like "oh, this is like Metro 2033".
Also for the record, I loved the first 1/2 of the M2033 book after getting over my feeling of "he ripped ME off". I just love the setting and premise we share.
I wanted to make changes to mine, but was curious as to where you wanted them, so thank you for this.
So this is just to anyone who may have read "Crush" and was like "oh, this is like Metro 2033".
Also for the record, I loved the first 1/2 of the M2033 book after getting over my feeling of "he ripped ME off". I just love the setting and premise we share.
m0dus said:
I wanted to make changes to mine, but was curious as to where you wanted them, so thank you for this.
ZephyrFate
Banned
I might need the link to the googledocs of where to put our stories again. It's been awhile and I totally forgot how.
"Vermin" by crowphoenix
Brace yo'self crow!
"He picked up the gun..." Man, that's a monster of a first sentence. Kind of has the same problem mine did--too many disconnected thoughts tied together by connective punctuation. You might just stop the sentence after "reloaded slowly" and let the next thought get its own sentence. "he slid the shells" probably don't need 'the.'
"Corpses lay across Lombard Street" Good imagery, but I'm picturing this, and I don't think that was your intent.
"the bus lay, scattered like a grotesque offering..." This parses oddly. I think you mean the bodies are the grotesque offering, but the description attaches to the bus due to proximity. Might just make it plural: 'scattered like grotesque offerings'. "A group of six..." Six corpses? Buses? Either a paragraph break or a more descriptive word would help here. "the door to the bus slide open." Typo.
"What little light there was..." This whole paragraph breaks the tight 3rd I was expecting (i.e. who's seeing these wearied lines? To whom does his hair "seem to sprout"?). That's a valid choice to make, but it sticks out as odd to me.
"Evening, ladies" through "he drove the blade..." Excellent. Moves the action along while telling us a little about what's going on, and gives us insight into Noah (and his way of speaking
). Would have liked to see him draw his knife somewhere along the way.
"Splattering his face" only his face? Seems like it would've gone all over. "Splattering him in gore" would be fine. "His nose was too full of rot to notice anything." Awkward wording--your nose can't really notice anything. 'Detect', maybe?
"A harsh question in his eyes." Doesn't feel quite right. Could he... I dunno, raise an eyebrow or something? If that fits with his character.
"only one in the group whose eyes were still steeled." Not sure I understand this. Were the others' eyes "steeled" before but not now? Does this just mean she's the only one not in shock and staring?
"the man said, pointing at her" Why's he suddenly 'the man' and not Noah? I know I always get after you for this. I'm sticking to my guns! 'The man' could be one of those other wide-eyed shocked people... help the reader out! "And, you're not getting a lick of ours" Extra comma.
"They were hunched together, murmuring wishes that they hadn't survived the initial outbreak." That just reads weirdingly. " 'I wish we hadn't survived the initial outbreak,' she murmured to the one in front of her." Yeah, that sounds just as weird. I dunno. "Noah was staring at one of them." That tense doesn't read right. Maybe "Noah stared at one of them"?
"No match for the strength Noah still had" Also reads a little odd. Maybe just "No match for Noah's strength"?
"The woman was shaking..." could just be "the woman shook"
"but only to watch as she sobbed..." great moment here; I think it needs its own sentence. "been comforting her, stood back..." extra comma.
"She gurgled a bit and shook..." Hmm. Effect before cause can confuse the reader, it did for me here. Might be better to start this para with the knife in the chest rather than playing it as a surprise.
"the brown haired woman" Since she's been the only speaking/active one, I'm guessing this is the same as the "steely-eyed woman"? Would be easier on the reader if you didn't swap monikers midway.
"Noah could hear them now." Awfully abrupt transition there. If he's been expecting them, it would've been nice to have Noah listen for them or something a few times earlier on. Otherwise, this could use a better segue. "The woman glanced over her shoulder. Noah could hear it too." Eh, that's not a good one, but something along those lines.
"She turned and ordered her group to run." Not even one last glare for Noah?
"...hopping back into the bus." Wait. Time out. This entire time, I've been picturing the action taking place on the bus. Damn it. Ok, rewinding... I think I got that impression from this sentence very early on: "Slowly, he moved toward the end of the bus." I was picturing him walking toward that long seat at the back end of the bus, and I guess it all snowballed from there. Huh. Maybe replacing 'toward' with 'around' would fix that. Or just show him stepping out onto the street or something.
"They were just people who'd decided... to join the extermination business." Hang on, why not steel-eyed woman, then? Did they have their own guns? If so, might mention that was why he allowed them to join.
"I don't know about you boys..." Is this their first job together? Because the opening paragraph suggests Noah's done this a whole lot. What happened to everyone else he's worked with? Or is he usually solo, and this is his first group outing? One way or another, some of this info could be dribbled out in between dialogue.
"Noah, began barking orders" Extra comma. "He sent John and Abe, to the back." Ditto. "Bullets leapt out into the night."
"The men never stopped shouting excitedly." This needs something more. What are they shouting? Battle cries? Rebel yell, cowabunga, Rocky Top? Or is this meant to show they're nervous? Greenies? There's something here that's not coming across. "Not even once the crowd had surged..." I don't think crowd is the right word for these things.
"The number of creatures outside the bus were rapidly dwindling... ammunition." Two 'rapidly dwindlings' in rapidly dwindling succession. Might want to change one of those.
"Move the bus and run over the rest" Isn't it a flaming wreck? I suppose it belonged to the men, and crashed earlier. What exactly does he try to do to make it move?
"You've all done good. However..." Noah doesn't seem like a 'however' kind of guy.
"Noah looked around at his men" through "It's your call." That's all very domestic. Is the bus still rocking back and forth? Are the critters pounding on the door, trying to get in through the broken windows?
"the older man said..." :/
"The plan worked just as Noah had said." No! This is a key action piece, show it to us in the moment! "Noah braced himself, and gave a nod. Little Man yanked on the handle, the door flipped itself open, and Noah unloaded his shotgun at point blank range. Bodies flew backwards, and Noah leapt from the bus, etc etc." I'm sure you could come up with something better. Point is, you can't give us five paragraphs of dialogue explaining what he's going to do, then just gloss over it in two sentences of telling. I mean, you can, it's just... disappointing.
"When it was all over, Abe lay dead and the Big Man was nowhere to be seen." Again, this would be better shown than told. " 'Big Man?' Noah coughed. No response." Could be as simple as that.
"It doesn't take much of a wound to turn you into one of them." Bit 2x4 there, amigo. Could be a little subtler. "It only takes one bite."
"Little Man just stared. 'Noah?'" Should probably make this one paragraph.
"the older man" "the kid" *sigh*
"He turned to look at John."
"Noah opened his mouth, but only a damp cough came." Same deal as when this happened before. It just reads oddly. I'm just now thinking that maybe this is coming from a movie sort of sensibility. Shot of the guy's face, he coughs, the camera pans down to show the knife in his chest. I can see what you're going for, but that pan's just not as effective in the written word.
"It was what he deserved." Oh snap. Multiple interpretations ahoy! Excellent line to close on.
Good stuff. I really like the main character of this piece, and his attitude toward the whole thing. They're just the exterminators. And they're not trying to win, just make it easier for the next guy who comes around and takes the job. It's a sort of different angle on the whole thing, and I enjoyed it.
The second half feels sort of disconnected from the first half. The final moment connects with that same moment in the first half, but the cast change feels odd. Any way to bring a few of those bus dudes into the first half? Even just mentioning a few names in that first paragraph might help here.
I'm not going to fight you on "Noah" vs "the old man" et al, but... well, consider my complaint registered.
Largely, my nits focused on a few areas:
-things that are confusing for the reader. Tenses, little oddities of placement or wording, stuff that isn't quite explained. The bus thing.
-the action in the second half, once steel-eyes leaves. There's a lot of narrative summary in the second half action parts. Not sure what's going on there.
Cool character, solid foundation. I think a bit of fixing up is in order, but this should be a solid piece.
Brace yo'self crow!
"He picked up the gun..." Man, that's a monster of a first sentence. Kind of has the same problem mine did--too many disconnected thoughts tied together by connective punctuation. You might just stop the sentence after "reloaded slowly" and let the next thought get its own sentence. "he slid the shells" probably don't need 'the.'
"Corpses lay across Lombard Street" Good imagery, but I'm picturing this, and I don't think that was your intent.
"the bus lay, scattered like a grotesque offering..." This parses oddly. I think you mean the bodies are the grotesque offering, but the description attaches to the bus due to proximity. Might just make it plural: 'scattered like grotesque offerings'. "A group of six..." Six corpses? Buses? Either a paragraph break or a more descriptive word would help here. "the door to the bus slide open." Typo."What little light there was..." This whole paragraph breaks the tight 3rd I was expecting (i.e. who's seeing these wearied lines? To whom does his hair "seem to sprout"?). That's a valid choice to make, but it sticks out as odd to me.
"Evening, ladies" through "he drove the blade..." Excellent. Moves the action along while telling us a little about what's going on, and gives us insight into Noah (and his way of speaking
). Would have liked to see him draw his knife somewhere along the way."Splattering his face" only his face? Seems like it would've gone all over. "Splattering him in gore" would be fine. "His nose was too full of rot to notice anything." Awkward wording--your nose can't really notice anything. 'Detect', maybe?
"A harsh question in his eyes." Doesn't feel quite right. Could he... I dunno, raise an eyebrow or something? If that fits with his character.
"only one in the group whose eyes were still steeled." Not sure I understand this. Were the others' eyes "steeled" before but not now? Does this just mean she's the only one not in shock and staring?
"the man said, pointing at her" Why's he suddenly 'the man' and not Noah? I know I always get after you for this. I'm sticking to my guns! 'The man' could be one of those other wide-eyed shocked people... help the reader out! "And, you're not getting a lick of ours" Extra comma.
"They were hunched together, murmuring wishes that they hadn't survived the initial outbreak." That just reads weirdingly. " 'I wish we hadn't survived the initial outbreak,' she murmured to the one in front of her." Yeah, that sounds just as weird. I dunno. "Noah was staring at one of them." That tense doesn't read right. Maybe "Noah stared at one of them"?
"No match for the strength Noah still had" Also reads a little odd. Maybe just "No match for Noah's strength"?
"The woman was shaking..." could just be "the woman shook"
"but only to watch as she sobbed..." great moment here; I think it needs its own sentence. "been comforting her, stood back..." extra comma.
"She gurgled a bit and shook..." Hmm. Effect before cause can confuse the reader, it did for me here. Might be better to start this para with the knife in the chest rather than playing it as a surprise.
"the brown haired woman" Since she's been the only speaking/active one, I'm guessing this is the same as the "steely-eyed woman"? Would be easier on the reader if you didn't swap monikers midway.
"Noah could hear them now." Awfully abrupt transition there. If he's been expecting them, it would've been nice to have Noah listen for them or something a few times earlier on. Otherwise, this could use a better segue. "The woman glanced over her shoulder. Noah could hear it too." Eh, that's not a good one, but something along those lines.
"She turned and ordered her group to run." Not even one last glare for Noah?
"...hopping back into the bus." Wait. Time out. This entire time, I've been picturing the action taking place on the bus. Damn it. Ok, rewinding... I think I got that impression from this sentence very early on: "Slowly, he moved toward the end of the bus." I was picturing him walking toward that long seat at the back end of the bus, and I guess it all snowballed from there. Huh. Maybe replacing 'toward' with 'around' would fix that. Or just show him stepping out onto the street or something.
"They were just people who'd decided... to join the extermination business." Hang on, why not steel-eyed woman, then? Did they have their own guns? If so, might mention that was why he allowed them to join.
"I don't know about you boys..." Is this their first job together? Because the opening paragraph suggests Noah's done this a whole lot. What happened to everyone else he's worked with? Or is he usually solo, and this is his first group outing? One way or another, some of this info could be dribbled out in between dialogue.
"Noah, began barking orders" Extra comma. "He sent John and Abe, to the back." Ditto. "Bullets leapt out into the night."
"The men never stopped shouting excitedly." This needs something more. What are they shouting? Battle cries? Rebel yell, cowabunga, Rocky Top? Or is this meant to show they're nervous? Greenies? There's something here that's not coming across. "Not even once the crowd had surged..." I don't think crowd is the right word for these things.
"The number of creatures outside the bus were rapidly dwindling... ammunition." Two 'rapidly dwindlings' in rapidly dwindling succession. Might want to change one of those.
"Move the bus and run over the rest" Isn't it a flaming wreck? I suppose it belonged to the men, and crashed earlier. What exactly does he try to do to make it move?
"You've all done good. However..." Noah doesn't seem like a 'however' kind of guy.
"Noah looked around at his men" through "It's your call." That's all very domestic. Is the bus still rocking back and forth? Are the critters pounding on the door, trying to get in through the broken windows?
"the older man said..." :/
"The plan worked just as Noah had said." No! This is a key action piece, show it to us in the moment! "Noah braced himself, and gave a nod. Little Man yanked on the handle, the door flipped itself open, and Noah unloaded his shotgun at point blank range. Bodies flew backwards, and Noah leapt from the bus, etc etc." I'm sure you could come up with something better. Point is, you can't give us five paragraphs of dialogue explaining what he's going to do, then just gloss over it in two sentences of telling. I mean, you can, it's just... disappointing.
"When it was all over, Abe lay dead and the Big Man was nowhere to be seen." Again, this would be better shown than told. " 'Big Man?' Noah coughed. No response." Could be as simple as that.
"It doesn't take much of a wound to turn you into one of them." Bit 2x4 there, amigo. Could be a little subtler. "It only takes one bite."
"Little Man just stared. 'Noah?'" Should probably make this one paragraph.
"the older man" "the kid" *sigh*
"He turned to look at John."
"Noah opened his mouth, but only a damp cough came." Same deal as when this happened before. It just reads oddly. I'm just now thinking that maybe this is coming from a movie sort of sensibility. Shot of the guy's face, he coughs, the camera pans down to show the knife in his chest. I can see what you're going for, but that pan's just not as effective in the written word.
"It was what he deserved." Oh snap. Multiple interpretations ahoy! Excellent line to close on.
Good stuff. I really like the main character of this piece, and his attitude toward the whole thing. They're just the exterminators. And they're not trying to win, just make it easier for the next guy who comes around and takes the job. It's a sort of different angle on the whole thing, and I enjoyed it.
The second half feels sort of disconnected from the first half. The final moment connects with that same moment in the first half, but the cast change feels odd. Any way to bring a few of those bus dudes into the first half? Even just mentioning a few names in that first paragraph might help here.
I'm not going to fight you on "Noah" vs "the old man" et al, but... well, consider my complaint registered.
Largely, my nits focused on a few areas:
-things that are confusing for the reader. Tenses, little oddities of placement or wording, stuff that isn't quite explained. The bus thing.
-the action in the second half, once steel-eyes leaves. There's a lot of narrative summary in the second half action parts. Not sure what's going on there.
Cool character, solid foundation. I think a bit of fixing up is in order, but this should be a solid piece.
ZephyrFate
Banned
Sooooo.... what's going on here folks...
ZephyrFate
Banned
I would but my summer class swamps me with work every day. :/Cyan said:
Ok, time to review "Limbo" by Dark Faze. Again, I'll start off from the beginning and just note down grammar corrections, suggestions, and bits where I have trouble as I get to them. My notes will follow your paragraph structure, to make it easier to find what I'm talking about.
"the difference between us both I think" - don't really need the last three words. Might read smoother without. "His voice was a raspy thing" - whose voice? I think this is the POV character, though I had some trouble picking that out. If it is, it would probably be easier on the reader if he was named here. That's a common clue that this is the POV. Especially since "his grin was maniacal... clearly he was not of sound mind" throws us off the track. The man wouldn't see himself that way, and so it's implied that he's not the POV character.
"Not unlike his thirst" - a new character has just been introduced, so on first reading I thought that the "his" here was the new character, the lone man. Especially since the POV has internal knowledge of this character's state, which directly conflicts with the previous paragraph where it's external. Basically, these two paragraphs combine to seriously confuse me about who is who and which character is supposed to be the POV, and that's a big problem for a story opening. I want clarity! "'I'm sorry, I'm...,' he chuckled," - Probably should have a period after 'chuckled'. "'forgotten my manners,' he folded his arms..." - ditto. Period after 'manners', new sentence for the next bit.
"The opposite man" - again, clarity! Which man is this? Maybe the second man could have a distinguishing feature he could be described with. "his breath was hot..." - start of a sentence, needs a capital. "The warning was granted, and suddenly the promise was fulfilled" - I get it, but this reads awkwardly. Could maybe be worded differently. Like, "No sooner had the warning been granted than the promise was fulfilled." Or... something. That's still a little awkward.
"A dream and a memory are not so unlike the other." - reads awkwardly. Maybe "one another" or "each other". Or just "not so unlike." Nice imagery here.
"The searing white hot pain had been a complete shock" - had been, past tense? Is this happening right now, or is this what happened to bring on "It really hurt"? If the former, clarity! If the latter, maybe move this to where it actually happened? Or even drop it. "He failed to remain calm and the relaxed defenses of his mind were suddenly overwhelmed" - isn't this backwards? Surely it's the overwhelming of the defenses that causes him to fail to remain calm? "Panic did not take long to slip through the cracks." - wait, now he panics? Didn't that just happen with failing to remain calm? We're getting thing out of order here. Again, clarity!
"completely unaware of where he was or how he had gotten there" - well yes, I think that's been established. "that sudden inertia gave rise to some understanding" - I don't get it. "I'm in a trunk" - yikes, where'd the first person come from? Wait... he's in a trunk? With all the "cage" and "cell" business, I was picturing something completely different from what it turned out to be. A little more actual description, without metaphor, might've helped here. "The crashed car;" - s/b comma, not semicolon. Also, to make this bit of action more effective, it might be a good idea to add a paragraph break and change up this sentence a little so it's him doing the pushing rather than the passive "had its trunk pushed outwards." "Walkers" - this wasn't capitalized before. It's ok either way, just make sure it's consistent throughout the piece. "While the threat..." - might read better with an "and" before "while".
"...puzzle pieces started to fit in." - "fit together"? "he had awoken after" - yes, we just saw that. Probably better to skip to "he had been stolen away." "the civic" - when did the generic car become a Civic? Also, capitals. "The car hadn't made it up the slope" - that was already established in the previous sentence. Don't need it, jump to "the brakes must have failed." "hauling his form out of the trunk." - odd choice of word. Why "form" and not "body" or "carcass" or "butt" or some other such? "they had left him and..." Might end the sentence after "him" and drop the and.
"utterly panic struck" - panic stricken. "wet tears streaked..." - might give this a new sentence. "her favorite puppy dog doll that she loved so much" - kinda redundant. "left him something at least," - s/b semicolon. "He made sure the backpack was fully zipped before he felt something." - awkward wording. Makes it sound like he knew he was going to feel something and so zipped the backpack before then. Should probably end the sentence at "zipped", then have a new one for the next bit. In fact, probably add a paragraph break there. Also, when did he close the door? A Civic is pretty small; I was picturing him with his butt sticking out the door, fumbling through stuff on the floor. That's what I'd be doing. If he climbed in and closed the door behind him, that should really be mentioned. "Walkers who had apparently just now arrived to.." - gah! That's a doozy of a sentence. While the imagery is nice, straightforward and understandable would be much easier on the reader: "arrived to investigate the crash", say. Plus, if he's been unconscious there a while, isn't it more likely to be his pounding and yelling that drew them? "Quickly he pulled the flare gun..." a paragraph break here might give more weight to the action. "he sped off into the dark night with the [Walkers] followed in pursuit." - this sentence is constructed such that the reader is left hanging until the end to resolve a clause. This makes reading it almost painful. A simple change like "sped off into the dark night, trailed by [your nice descriptions]" would really help here.
Ah, a time jump. Back in time? "possibility of people like him and her wishing to hurt them" - don't understand this sentence. "honest, sane men could not do what they did." - ok, but it seems like this foreknowledge breaks POV. "they had been careful" - Who's they? Jacob and his kid? The bad men? Clarity. "When the men had found..." - extra "had".
"seemingly disinterested by anything Sam had to say" - disinterested in?
"extend of the danger they were in" - extent. "Ah'm poiceful lahk." - a little dialect is ok, but this much is tough to read. How about "Ah'm peaceful lahk" to keep the flavor but make it readable?
"Throats mighty parched" - throat's. "Jacobs fists" - Jacob's. "this mans" - this man's.
"the love for his daughter pulling him inexorably forward." - ok, but this really cries out for showing over telling. Could be as simple as "every time his footsteps faltered, an image of [some pretty Sam imagery] filled his eyes and he kept moving forward." Well, that's awkward but you get the idea. "the cycle of day and night repeated itself time and time again." - "time and time again" usually means many times. Just how many days is he wandering through the snow? If it's more than two or three I simply don't buy it, no matter how much he loves his daughter.
"It was an odd scene, beautiful but marred by the ugly reality of the situation." - well, yes. But let that come across in the scene itself; don't hit us over the head with it! "it was something Jacob never would have considered" - this switch is jarring; could use a paragraph break before it. "in the past he was still on earth" - where is he now if not on Earth?
"Jacob was convinced that he was stuck in some kind of purgatory" - I'm not sure "convinced" is the right word. Because surely he doesn't literally believe that? It's just a feeling. "walk into a television set in a galaxy far, far away" - sentence makes more sense without "a television set in". "none of those places were reality anymore" - well, several of them never were. "When he left the dead man" - might add a paragraph break before this sentence, again to avoid jarring. "When the fog cleared" - again, maybe paragraph break here to avoid jarring. "shot out like a shadow" - do shadows shoot out?
Ah, back to the opening scene! This I had no trouble reconnecting to.
"a whisper like moan" - either "a whisper-like moan" or "a whisper like a moan". "calm his leaking mouth" - odd word choice. Stanch? Stop? Slow?
"yellow piss" - that is its usual color...
"walkers icy palm" - walker's. "Jacobs" - Jacob's. "the sound of a door being closed and barred could barely be heard above the constant cracks of gunfire." - that's kind of a weak way of letting us know he's started shooting. I'd like an action sentence of some kind. Also don't like the "could barely be heard" construction. "Somewhere in the midst of the massing horde..." - killer. Give it its own paragraph though; give it some room to breathe and really land with the impact it should.
Well, ok, that was pretty dark. Interesting that the really enemy wasn't the Walkers, it was people. I like that the focus here is on the dark side of humanity, that shows itself in dark times. And the flip side of that with the old man he sits with, and his mercy killing.
The disconnected structure had me confused at first, but I think it worked well. It does add something, knowing throughout that in the end he'll find them.
The watchword here was clarity. I want more clarity in people and places and what's going on. This was what most of my complaints focused on; things that threw me off or jarred me or just plain confused me.
On the whole, I think the story works. With more clarity, it will be a smooth, fun read.
"the difference between us both I think" - don't really need the last three words. Might read smoother without. "His voice was a raspy thing" - whose voice? I think this is the POV character, though I had some trouble picking that out. If it is, it would probably be easier on the reader if he was named here. That's a common clue that this is the POV. Especially since "his grin was maniacal... clearly he was not of sound mind" throws us off the track. The man wouldn't see himself that way, and so it's implied that he's not the POV character.
"Not unlike his thirst" - a new character has just been introduced, so on first reading I thought that the "his" here was the new character, the lone man. Especially since the POV has internal knowledge of this character's state, which directly conflicts with the previous paragraph where it's external. Basically, these two paragraphs combine to seriously confuse me about who is who and which character is supposed to be the POV, and that's a big problem for a story opening. I want clarity! "'I'm sorry, I'm...,' he chuckled," - Probably should have a period after 'chuckled'. "'forgotten my manners,' he folded his arms..." - ditto. Period after 'manners', new sentence for the next bit.
"The opposite man" - again, clarity! Which man is this? Maybe the second man could have a distinguishing feature he could be described with. "his breath was hot..." - start of a sentence, needs a capital. "The warning was granted, and suddenly the promise was fulfilled" - I get it, but this reads awkwardly. Could maybe be worded differently. Like, "No sooner had the warning been granted than the promise was fulfilled." Or... something. That's still a little awkward.
"A dream and a memory are not so unlike the other." - reads awkwardly. Maybe "one another" or "each other". Or just "not so unlike." Nice imagery here.
"The searing white hot pain had been a complete shock" - had been, past tense? Is this happening right now, or is this what happened to bring on "It really hurt"? If the former, clarity! If the latter, maybe move this to where it actually happened? Or even drop it. "He failed to remain calm and the relaxed defenses of his mind were suddenly overwhelmed" - isn't this backwards? Surely it's the overwhelming of the defenses that causes him to fail to remain calm? "Panic did not take long to slip through the cracks." - wait, now he panics? Didn't that just happen with failing to remain calm? We're getting thing out of order here. Again, clarity!
"completely unaware of where he was or how he had gotten there" - well yes, I think that's been established.
"that sudden inertia gave rise to some understanding" - I don't get it. "I'm in a trunk" - yikes, where'd the first person come from? Wait... he's in a trunk? With all the "cage" and "cell" business, I was picturing something completely different from what it turned out to be. A little more actual description, without metaphor, might've helped here. "The crashed car;" - s/b comma, not semicolon. Also, to make this bit of action more effective, it might be a good idea to add a paragraph break and change up this sentence a little so it's him doing the pushing rather than the passive "had its trunk pushed outwards." "Walkers" - this wasn't capitalized before. It's ok either way, just make sure it's consistent throughout the piece. "While the threat..." - might read better with an "and" before "while"."...puzzle pieces started to fit in." - "fit together"? "he had awoken after" - yes, we just saw that. Probably better to skip to "he had been stolen away." "the civic" - when did the generic car become a Civic? Also, capitals. "The car hadn't made it up the slope" - that was already established in the previous sentence. Don't need it, jump to "the brakes must have failed." "hauling his form out of the trunk." - odd choice of word. Why "form" and not "body" or "carcass" or "butt" or some other such? "they had left him and..." Might end the sentence after "him" and drop the and.
"utterly panic struck" - panic stricken. "wet tears streaked..." - might give this a new sentence. "her favorite puppy dog doll that she loved so much" - kinda redundant. "left him something at least," - s/b semicolon. "He made sure the backpack was fully zipped before he felt something." - awkward wording. Makes it sound like he knew he was going to feel something and so zipped the backpack before then. Should probably end the sentence at "zipped", then have a new one for the next bit. In fact, probably add a paragraph break there. Also, when did he close the door? A Civic is pretty small; I was picturing him with his butt sticking out the door, fumbling through stuff on the floor. That's what I'd be doing. If he climbed in and closed the door behind him, that should really be mentioned. "Walkers who had apparently just now arrived to.." - gah! That's a doozy of a sentence. While the imagery is nice, straightforward and understandable would be much easier on the reader: "arrived to investigate the crash", say. Plus, if he's been unconscious there a while, isn't it more likely to be his pounding and yelling that drew them? "Quickly he pulled the flare gun..." a paragraph break here might give more weight to the action. "he sped off into the dark night with the [Walkers] followed in pursuit." - this sentence is constructed such that the reader is left hanging until the end to resolve a clause. This makes reading it almost painful. A simple change like "sped off into the dark night, trailed by [your nice descriptions]" would really help here.
Ah, a time jump. Back in time? "possibility of people like him and her wishing to hurt them" - don't understand this sentence. "honest, sane men could not do what they did." - ok, but it seems like this foreknowledge breaks POV. "they had been careful" - Who's they? Jacob and his kid? The bad men? Clarity. "When the men had found..." - extra "had".
"seemingly disinterested by anything Sam had to say" - disinterested in?
"extend of the danger they were in" - extent. "Ah'm poiceful lahk." - a little dialect is ok, but this much is tough to read. How about "Ah'm peaceful lahk" to keep the flavor but make it readable?
"Throats mighty parched" - throat's. "Jacobs fists" - Jacob's. "this mans" - this man's.
"the love for his daughter pulling him inexorably forward." - ok, but this really cries out for showing over telling. Could be as simple as "every time his footsteps faltered, an image of [some pretty Sam imagery] filled his eyes and he kept moving forward." Well, that's awkward but you get the idea. "the cycle of day and night repeated itself time and time again." - "time and time again" usually means many times. Just how many days is he wandering through the snow? If it's more than two or three I simply don't buy it, no matter how much he loves his daughter.
"It was an odd scene, beautiful but marred by the ugly reality of the situation." - well, yes. But let that come across in the scene itself; don't hit us over the head with it! "it was something Jacob never would have considered" - this switch is jarring; could use a paragraph break before it. "in the past he was still on earth" - where is he now if not on Earth?
"Jacob was convinced that he was stuck in some kind of purgatory" - I'm not sure "convinced" is the right word. Because surely he doesn't literally believe that? It's just a feeling. "walk into a television set in a galaxy far, far away" - sentence makes more sense without "a television set in". "none of those places were reality anymore" - well, several of them never were. "When he left the dead man" - might add a paragraph break before this sentence, again to avoid jarring. "When the fog cleared" - again, maybe paragraph break here to avoid jarring. "shot out like a shadow" - do shadows shoot out?
Ah, back to the opening scene! This I had no trouble reconnecting to.
"a whisper like moan" - either "a whisper-like moan" or "a whisper like a moan". "calm his leaking mouth" - odd word choice. Stanch? Stop? Slow?
"yellow piss" - that is its usual color...
"walkers icy palm" - walker's. "Jacobs" - Jacob's. "the sound of a door being closed and barred could barely be heard above the constant cracks of gunfire." - that's kind of a weak way of letting us know he's started shooting. I'd like an action sentence of some kind. Also don't like the "could barely be heard" construction. "Somewhere in the midst of the massing horde..." - killer. Give it its own paragraph though; give it some room to breathe and really land with the impact it should.
Well, ok, that was pretty dark. Interesting that the really enemy wasn't the Walkers, it was people. I like that the focus here is on the dark side of humanity, that shows itself in dark times. And the flip side of that with the old man he sits with, and his mercy killing.
The disconnected structure had me confused at first, but I think it worked well. It does add something, knowing throughout that in the end he'll find them.
The watchword here was clarity. I want more clarity in people and places and what's going on. This was what most of my complaints focused on; things that threw me off or jarred me or just plain confused me.
On the whole, I think the story works. With more clarity, it will be a smooth, fun read.
Future PhaZe
Member
Thanks for the review Cyan. I know there were some jarring aspects that didn't quite work when I turned it in so thanks for pointing those out.
I will hopefully have an edit in soon.
I will hopefully have an edit in soon.
"Like Snow" by Ignis Fatuus
Ok, same deal as before--I'll note things down as I go along, so everything will be in order and hopefully it won't be too hard to work out what I'm talking about.
Right off, I'm not in love with the opening. You're stuck with the first word, but the following paragraph doesn't do it for me. It's awkwardly worded. First sentence s/b "I remember pointing and giggling..." etc. "a shaggy form licked my face." A form licked his face? What does that even mean? Needs rewording. "My father chided me" doesn't quite work for the idyllic imagery you're setting up in the next few paragraphs. "I threw a stick, and watched as the beast trundled off..." It ignored the stick? If it's chasing it, why does it "trundle"?
"lit and made sparkling" sounds slightly off, maybe "lit and made to sparkle"? Snow angels... not quite a cliche, but close. Any chance they could have some other snow activity, like pulling the kid around on a sled or something? Ah, whatever. I guess it's fine.
"pure and unspoiled" Surely it's full of snow angels and whatnot?
Next few paragraphs, good stuff. Love the counting setup.
"lucky enough to survive the purge of New York..." I'm not sure "purge" is really the right word here. It implies a cleansing, and so brought to mind a counteroffensive by humans against the infected in NY. Different word might work better.
"a twisted cathedral to some mad God." I dunno, bit Lovecraftian for my taste. Why can't this God just not care?
"home to the homeless" Self-contradicting wording that jumps right out. Could "home" be replaced with something else? Maybe a verb: "sheltered the homeless" or some such. "most decent people were ignorant of, or else ignored." This one sounds like it's repeating itself, even though the words are different.
"It is dark in hell, and cold." I thought he was sweltering under the humidity a few paragraphs ago. I remember because it was such a contrast to the opening snow imagery.
"Both are equally dangerous down here." Maybe give this its own paragraph?
"Now there was just us." Think this should be "now there is just us." Also note that this makes the later arrival of another kid kind of confusing. Enumerating them might help.
"Wolf lets her stay because he likes to fuck her" Wow, that's kind of stark. Harsh, even.
"gratings in the sky" Nice.
"...1249" Damn. Love it.
"Instinctively, we back away in horror." I think the horror is implied. If you really want to hammer it home, maybe a facial expression would do. "we back away, eyes wide." I dunno.
"You fool" Really? Hrm.
"I feel nothing as I drag the corpse away... I don't really feel anything as I do so." Repeating himself here. "The count never gets any lower." Maybe give this its own para for greater impact.
"Shaking my head to rid myself of that thought..." "The darkness is so vast and so lonely..." Though the other way might work better rhythmically. "I wonder how many of them are alive now." I'd expect him to wonder if any of them are alive now, given his previous thoughts.
"Snow, etc." Awesome call-back.
"Wolf looks angrily... as though he were mad that..." s/b "As though he is mad that..." "I think I fear discovering what the surface looks like now more than anything else." Took me a moment to parse this. Might consider rewording a little. Perhaps, "I think, more than anything else, I fear..."
"Wolf grins as he mashes their heads into pulp... Lifting my shovel from a freshly split skull..." The first sentence makes it sound like Wolf takes out all of the infected, then the second contradicts this. Maybe remove the "their" from the first sentence.
"we open our eyes, and we stop dead..." hehe.
"Cat whispers, 'Those... Are those...'" s/b lowercase 'a'.
"Don't breath it!" Lost the final 'e' on two of those repetitions.
"...1255." *shiver* Perfect.
Awesome stuff, amigo. I said "wow." I love the way the imagery all ties back into the opening, the focus on the sky even when underground, the counting motif. And that beautifully horrifying closing image. Excellent work.
My negatives here are nitpicks. Mostly awkward or potentially confusing wording, and a few things that struck me as a bit lazy when I read them--most notably, the mad God and the snow angels. Though the snow angels, at least, are called back to later. I don't really have any larger complaints.
Whew. That's that! Good work, everyone! (now, anyone else going to do any critiquing?)
Ok, same deal as before--I'll note things down as I go along, so everything will be in order and hopefully it won't be too hard to work out what I'm talking about.
Right off, I'm not in love with the opening. You're stuck with the first word, but the following paragraph doesn't do it for me. It's awkwardly worded. First sentence s/b "I remember pointing and giggling..." etc. "a shaggy form licked my face." A form licked his face? What does that even mean? Needs rewording. "My father chided me" doesn't quite work for the idyllic imagery you're setting up in the next few paragraphs. "I threw a stick, and watched as the beast trundled off..." It ignored the stick? If it's chasing it, why does it "trundle"?
"lit and made sparkling" sounds slightly off, maybe "lit and made to sparkle"? Snow angels... not quite a cliche, but close. Any chance they could have some other snow activity, like pulling the kid around on a sled or something? Ah, whatever. I guess it's fine.
"pure and unspoiled" Surely it's full of snow angels and whatnot?
Next few paragraphs, good stuff. Love the counting setup.
"lucky enough to survive the purge of New York..." I'm not sure "purge" is really the right word here. It implies a cleansing, and so brought to mind a counteroffensive by humans against the infected in NY. Different word might work better.
"a twisted cathedral to some mad God." I dunno, bit Lovecraftian for my taste.
Why can't this God just not care?"home to the homeless" Self-contradicting wording that jumps right out. Could "home" be replaced with something else? Maybe a verb: "sheltered the homeless" or some such. "most decent people were ignorant of, or else ignored." This one sounds like it's repeating itself, even though the words are different.
"It is dark in hell, and cold." I thought he was sweltering under the humidity a few paragraphs ago. I remember because it was such a contrast to the opening snow imagery.
"Both are equally dangerous down here." Maybe give this its own paragraph?
"Now there was just us." Think this should be "now there is just us." Also note that this makes the later arrival of another kid kind of confusing. Enumerating them might help.
"Wolf lets her stay because he likes to fuck her" Wow, that's kind of stark. Harsh, even.
"gratings in the sky" Nice.
"...1249" Damn. Love it.
"Instinctively, we back away in horror." I think the horror is implied. If you really want to hammer it home, maybe a facial expression would do. "we back away, eyes wide." I dunno.
"You fool" Really? Hrm.
"I feel nothing as I drag the corpse away... I don't really feel anything as I do so." Repeating himself here. "The count never gets any lower." Maybe give this its own para for greater impact.
"Shaking my head to rid myself of that thought..." "The darkness is so vast and so lonely..." Though the other way might work better rhythmically. "I wonder how many of them are alive now." I'd expect him to wonder if any of them are alive now, given his previous thoughts.
"Snow, etc." Awesome call-back.
"Wolf looks angrily... as though he were mad that..." s/b "As though he is mad that..." "I think I fear discovering what the surface looks like now more than anything else." Took me a moment to parse this. Might consider rewording a little. Perhaps, "I think, more than anything else, I fear..."
"Wolf grins as he mashes their heads into pulp... Lifting my shovel from a freshly split skull..." The first sentence makes it sound like Wolf takes out all of the infected, then the second contradicts this. Maybe remove the "their" from the first sentence.
"we open our eyes, and we stop dead..." hehe.
"Cat whispers, 'Those... Are those...'" s/b lowercase 'a'.
"Don't breath it!" Lost the final 'e' on two of those repetitions.
"...1255." *shiver* Perfect.
Awesome stuff, amigo. I said "wow." I love the way the imagery all ties back into the opening, the focus on the sky even when underground, the counting motif. And that beautifully horrifying closing image. Excellent work.
My negatives here are nitpicks. Mostly awkward or potentially confusing wording, and a few things that struck me as a bit lazy when I read them--most notably, the mad God and the snow angels. Though the snow angels, at least, are called back to later. I don't really have any larger complaints.
Whew. That's that! Good work, everyone! (now, anyone else going to do any critiquing?
)ZephyrFate
Banned
so... this seems to be dead in the water.
m0dus is waiting on confirms from everyone that their current drafts are final, AFAIK.
In case I didn't already mention it, mine is final.
If we do something like this again, I think we'll need to have better communication between all parties.
ZephyrFate
Banned
I swear I sent him the revised edition of my story, but I can't be positive about that. I guess I'll PM him, but I swear he's never around.
I can give everyone until the end of the day tomorrow. I've reviewed the google docs folder, and the only updates I've seen this year are from Nitewulf,Bengravan and Cyan. I know other people have done revisions, unfortunately, they have been doing them on their own computers and not through the google docs as previously instructed.
-I want to compile the complete PDF as soon as possible.
-Some of the artists who previously agreed to submit art have, unfortunately, fallen through, so I'll be tackling that myself. I need the complete stories to do so, however.
-I will NOT be using any versions other than those on google docs; So please, update the google doc version ASAP. If you no longer have your login, PM me your email address immediately. If you need more time, tell me ASAP, otherwise what I have is what's going in.
-I do not accept any email attachments. Update the google doc file as above.
-The final will be made available in ePUB format, as well as PDF. I would still like to consider a bound copy as well, if there is still interest?
-I will be compiling the final for distribution on a website, very similar to the G.A.M.E. website.
-I want to compile the complete PDF as soon as possible.
-Some of the artists who previously agreed to submit art have, unfortunately, fallen through, so I'll be tackling that myself. I need the complete stories to do so, however.
-I will NOT be using any versions other than those on google docs; So please, update the google doc version ASAP. If you no longer have your login, PM me your email address immediately. If you need more time, tell me ASAP, otherwise what I have is what's going in.
-I do not accept any email attachments. Update the google doc file as above.
-The final will be made available in ePUB format, as well as PDF. I would still like to consider a bound copy as well, if there is still interest?
-I will be compiling the final for distribution on a website, very similar to the G.A.M.E. website.
bengraven
Member
It's been months since I looked over my story and I skimmed back then. I'll give one more close read and maybe re-read then fix a few niggles tonight.
I'm pretty happy with it were it to go out tonight, but it's still far from perfect.
Also, epub is fine. We can always convert or if anyone needs it converted I can Caliber it for them.
I'm pretty happy with it were it to go out tonight, but it's still far from perfect.
Also, epub is fine. We can always convert or if anyone needs it converted I can Caliber it for them.
ZephyrFate
Banned
I still need access to the google docs...
ZephyrFate
Banned
Alright, my story looks good. It has all the edits I've made thanks to Cyan's critiques. I'm excited to see this thing put together finally.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Wow. Soon-ish turned out to be a lot later. But I've done a final sweep and I'm happy with the results. Big props to Cyan. (Wish I could send you all my first drafts. )
)Did a read-through; still feel more or less ok with where mine finally wound up.
Wish I could send you all my first drafts.
bengraven
Member
Awesome! I loved the piece(s) from my story and can't wait to see the other ones.
I thought some of the other artists already had their pieces in though?
I also wonder this.
- Status