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Straight people in gay bars

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This guy's wife has pushed him to visit gay bars/activities. She loves hanging out at gay bars for obvious reasons (can actually go & enjoy herself).

Activities have never been an issue (like the SF pride parade). Bars? I rarely hit them up any longer. I'm no burly lumberjack and it invites the wrong type of interaction (if you look metro, you're not avoiding it).
 
I'm straight and used to accompany a lesbian friend to gay nightclubs. I never really thought twice about it to be honest. We often went to "straight" bars together too.
 
Never been. I got invited into one once when walking by and the group of guys outside smoking overheard that a friend had gotten us kicked out of another club on my birthday. Shame I was with a bunch of overly conservative friends. I regret not just brushing them off and enjoying my night.
 
Ambient80 said:
What qualifies as "straight looking"? Like if a bar bans someone who looks straight, is there like some sort of checklist they use? Just feel like it could be abused because they just don't like a particular person, or maybe they're not attractive enough or something.

I just saw someone mention that a page or two back and figured I'd ask, just curious :P
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Video game shirts and cargo shorts
 
Shandy said:
If you aren't going to be a nuisance, then I don't have much of a problem with it. I don't think people should have their queer/ally credentials checked at entry. But it's like... The notion of some people invading our safe spaces because all the heteronormative haunts are shit kind of bugs me. If you want to be part of the community and everything, great. But if you're dropping in as an outsider out of pure self-serving convenience, then maybe you deserve shit bars and clubs.

Even if they were lying, if a someone were to say to me "I'm not gay or trans or anything else, I'm just here because I support the community", I'd say "Oh, cool." But if someone said they were there so arseholes didn't hit on them or their partners I'd probably have to stop myself from saying "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
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Would it upset you if I was there because of the tater tots?
 
Shandy said:
If you aren't going to be a nuisance, then I don't have much of a problem with it. I don't think people should have their queer/ally credentials checked at entry. But it's like... The notion of some people invading our safe spaces because all the heteronormative haunts are shit kind of bugs me. If you want to be part of the community and everything, great. But if you're dropping in as an outsider out of pure self-serving convenience, then maybe you deserve shit bars and clubs.

Even if they were lying, if a someone were to say to me "I'm not gay or trans or anything else, I'm just here because I support the community", I'd say "Oh, cool." But if someone said they were there so arseholes didn't hit on them or their partners I'd probably have to stop myself from saying "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
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.
 
I went to a gay bar with a former lesbian friend of mine. I was foolish at the time and was doing my damndest to date this girl, knowing full well she had no interest in me beyond being a good friend of mine.

Ended up getting hit on twice while we were there. It was an interesting and fun experience.
 
I've been told I give off an aura of straightness before, maybe that's what they mean by look straight. We just give off the stench of hetero. Although, that may come from the fact I had to stop people from thinking I was gay in middle school.
 
Given the wave of newcomers in SF, gay bars are some of the only places that feel like the city I fell in love with. Love Trax, The Cinch, and Beer Bust Sundays at The Eagle. Went to Honey Soundsystem all the time at Paradise/Holy Cow. Most of my gay male friends have moved away, but i still feel the connection.
 
I used to go to one near where i live quite a bit. There's just never any trouble there. I can't be bothered with that shit, I just want a good time.
 
sphinx said:
On the one side, I do not want to agree with this sentiment, I mean, I wished there were just "bars" with no consideration of sexual orientation.

On the other side, as a gay man, single and looking, If I go to a gay bar, flirt and get rejected with a "sorry dude, I am straight", I'd be very pissed,

I'd think "do you REALLY have to come here and deceive all of us with your damn presence? we can't flirt at work or anywhere, this is one of the very few places we can try to get sex/love without fear of getting punched in the face by doing so, could you please make our path of finding said love/sex easier and go to a damn straight bar??"

:(
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Should gays be banned from straight clubs?

Do I have the right to be equally as pissed if I hit on a woman at a bar and she says "Sorry, I'm a lesbian"?
 
SomedayTheFire said:
Massively missing the point.
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I believe I understand what he's saying, but I also don't believe there should be such segregation.

I'm going there to have a good time and not bothering anyone. I don't see the problem with a few people being unavailable as possible sexual partners at the bar.
 
zewone said:
I believe I understand what he's saying, but I also don't believe there should be such segregation.

I'm going there to have a good time and not bothering anyone. I don't see the problem with a few people being unavailable as possible sexual partners at the bar.
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Read my posts on the matter. No one is saying ban heteros. We're saying an abundance of straight people can make us uncomfortable.
 
sphinx said:
On the one side, I do not want to agree with this sentiment, I mean, I wished there were just "bars" with no consideration of sexual orientation.

On the other side, as a gay man, single and looking, If I go to a gay bar, flirt and get rejected with a "sorry dude, I am straight", I'd be very pissed,

I'd think "do you REALLY have to come here and deceive all of us with your damn presence? we can't flirt at work or anywhere, this is one of the very few places we can try to get sex/love without fear of getting punched in the face by doing so, could you please make our path of finding said love/sex easier and go to a damn straight bar??"

:(
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It could be worse, straight men and women could start complaining about being hit on by the same sex at these bars. Imagine the nerve, lol
 
SomedayTheFire said:
Read my posts on the matter. No one is saying ban heteros. We're saying an abundance of straight people can make us uncomfortable.
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It's a safe place now, but do you want to HAVE to go to gay bars as your only means of finding love?

I think segregating is a short term solution to you and others feeling safe for the time being, but really, we should all be more open minded so you don't have to feel that way. I'd love for the future to be you feel safe to be and express yourself anywhere you damn please.

KmA said:
They did. I don't think straight people really care about our perspective tbh as long as you guys are having fun right!!!
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Nailed it, man! This is all about me getting my groove on.
 
zewone said:
It's a safe place now, but do you want to HAVE to go to gay bars as your only means of finding love?

I think segregating is a short term solution to you and others feeling safe for the time being, but really, we should all be more open minded so you don't have to feel that way. I'd love for the future to be you feel safe to be and express yourself anywhere you damn please.
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You should think of how many places the LGBT community has to feel safe in perusing those interests versus the amount of venues straight people have.
 
3phemeral said:
You should think of how many places the LGBT community has to feel safe in perusing those interests versus the amount of venues straight people have.
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I don't have to feel safe, it's not even something that crosses my mind. It's not comparable for a straight person.

If someone has the opinion that only homosexuals should be a gay bar so they can feel safe, they have that right and many reasons why this is the correct opinion to have.

I still think it's short-sighted and the ultimate goal should be to interact with straight people and not have to worry. I don't think we'll ever get there if we just do that "out of sight, out of mind" approach.
 
zewone said:
It's a safe place now, but do you want to HAVE to go to gay bars as your only means of finding love?

I think segregating is a short term solution to you and others feeling safe for the time being, but really, we should all be more open minded so you don't have to feel that way. I'd love for the future to be you feel safe to be and express yourself anywhere you damn please.
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Where else can we be comfortable who we're interacting with is of the same orientation? Outside of LGBT safe spaces by trying to find someone you run the risk of running into a homophobe who might verbally or physically hurt you. Fact is there is nowhere else safe to go for it, bar online dating and that's not safe either. There was news here in Ireland that a group of straight boys were using Grindr to meet up with gay men to bash them. It's unfortunate but society isn't as good as people would like to think for us now.

Sure, we do. But we don't right now and that's the crux of the issue. You can't blame us for feeling unsafe. You can't blame us for having to worry. You can't blame us for the hetero normality of society. It's not about segregation, it's about being comfortable in a space that allows us to be who we are as we cannot do that everywhere unlike straight people.

I would love the future to be like that too but it's still a ways off and until we get to that point we will feel uncomfortable in the society we live in.

zewone said:
Nailed it, man! This is all about me getting my groove on.
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Honestly, your first post came across like that. It felt like you're telling us how to behave.
 
zewone said:
I don't have to feel safe, it's not even something that crosses my mind. It's not comparable for a straight person.

If someone has the opinion that only homosexuals should be a gay bar so they can feel safe, they have that right and many reasons why this is the correct opinion to have.

I still think it's short-sighted and the ultimate goal should be to interact with straight people and not have to worry. I don't think we'll ever get there if we just do that "out of sight, out of mind" approach.
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I can't even interact with white people or other minorities without worry, it makes sense why some who are LGBT wouldn't want interaction with us if they ain't gotta have us in their safe space.

Plus, they run the risk of someone not taking kindly to being hit on by the same sex out in public. So yeah gay bars and the such are a good option if you don't want to possibly be assaulted
 
I've only recently have begun exploring my bisexuality and have been considering visiting a gaybar to meet a potential date, since internet dating sucks. However I didn't realise straight guys visiting gaybars was so common. The thought of flirting with straight guy is offputting and forms an extra barrier.
 
zewone said:
I don't have to feel safe, it's not even something that crosses my mind. It's not comparable for a straight person.

If someone has the opinion that only homosexuals should be a gay bar so they can feel safe, they have that right and many reasons why this is the correct opinion to have.

I still think it's short-sighted and the ultimate goal should be to interact with straight people and not have to worry. I don't think we'll ever get there if we just do that "out of sight, out of mind" approach.
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you're acting like gay people only live at gay bars all their life, that is super obviously not the case, but it's nice to have a safe space sometimes because sadly at the moment bigotry is still a huge problem. you don't get to deny them that needed safe space only because you think it might make go bigotry away faster, which I don't think is true because most of the time gays are still among straights. I also don't think you are 100% sincere here because your example with the lesbian at the bar was really very stupid and shows a huge lack of empathy.
 
zewone said:
I don't have to feel safe, it's not even something that crosses my mind. It's not comparable for a straight person.

If someone has the opinion that only homosexuals should be a gay bar so they can feel safe, they have that right and many reasons why this is the correct opinion to have.

I still think it's short-sighted and the ultimate goal should be to interact with straight people and not have to worry. I don't think we'll ever get there if we just do that "out of sight, out of mind" approach.
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It's not an opinion so much as it is reality. If the LGBT community felt safe in exploring other venues where an innocent kiss or even simply holding hands wasn't an issue, this wouldn't even be a topic. The point is, those places don't exist yet and if they do, it's very few and very far between.

There's a difference between what our ideal situation would be and what we face and obviously, including the perceptive parity our community would need for that to happen. It's just not there yet and I don't think the community should feel obligated to cater to that community when our intimate spaces exist for more reasons than to make straight people feel comfortable.
 
SomedayTheFire said:
Where else can we be comfortable who we're interacting with is of the same orientation? Outside of LGBT safe spaces by trying to find someone you run the risk of running into a homophobe who might verbally or physically hurt you. Fact is there is nowhere else safe to go for it, bar online dating and that's not safe either. There was news here in Ireland that a group of straight boys were using Grindr to meet up with gay men to bash them. It's unfortunate but society isn't as good as people would like to think for us now.

Sure, we do. But we don't right now and that's the crux of the issue. You can't blame us for feeling unsafe. You can't blame us for having to worry. You can't blame us for the hetero normality of society. It's not about segregation, it's about being comfortable in a space that allows us to be who we are as we cannot do that everywhere unlike straight people.

I would love the future to be like that too but it's still a ways off and until we get to that point we will feel uncomfortable in the society we live in.
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I appreciate the response and as someone who hasn't had to put up with the issues you deal with I can only imagine what it's like.

Honestly, your first post came across like that. It felt like you're telling us how to behave.
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I see. That was my mistake then. To me, his post just sounded strange that he would get upset that someone turned him down because of their sexual orientation being different than what they had thought. If a straight man had said this same thing about about a lesbian they would be looked as a monster. Basically, I just wanted him to think about that. But again, I'm not in your guys shoes.
 
Herbspiceguy said:
I've only recently have begun exploring my bisexuality and have been considering visiting a gaybar to meet a potential date, since internet dating sucks. However I didn't realise straight guys visiting gaybars was so common. The thought of flirting with straight guy is offputting and forms an extra barrier.
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From a straight man's perspective, I felt awful having to turn down a gay man, knowing full well he had mustered up a lot of courage to come talk to me.

I try my best to continue a conversation even after I've had to turn the guy down.
 
I dunno, maybe it's different in bigger cities but in a college town of about 70,000 people in the south, all of my gay friends wanted literally everyone they knew to go out to the gay bar in town.

The drag show was always a big attraction that brought in a bunch of business for the club and I think the club in general liked having as many people as they could get through the door (gay or straight) so that the one gay bar could stay in business. I think they had to move venues a few times in order to save on the expense of running the place though.

I'm willing to admit things may have been different ~2005/2006 when I was going on a semi-regular basis with my friends though. Maybe less people were coming out of the closet so keeping a gay bar open was more difficult? I'm not sure honestly.

Like I said, gay bars in huge cities I could totally understand why people would want the straight people to stay out....they're probably not at all in danger of going out of business anytime soon and don't need the money from straight people.
 
There was a gay bar next to the music venue I used to go to all of the time. The venue didn't have a liquor license so people always went there to hang out and drink in between bands.

It was a nice place, everyone was super friendly to a bunch of weird punk kids invanding their hangout.
 
As long as our guard has to be up in the manner that it does, there is going to be a strong desire to dictate who is let in. And if that seems insular and exclusionary and people can't come to terms with why, then so be it. The consequences of us trusting the wrong person are exceptionally dangerous. Maybe hitting on a particular person gets you into a terse "Piss off", or a verbal altercation with their partner. But for us, it can run the gamut from humiliation to actual death.

Let me put it this way: I wouldn't be afraid of going to a venue that wasn't a gay bar, but I would be afraid of pursuing any of the women in the joint because I don't think society is there enough yet for me to feel safe doing that.
 
I understand why some people don't want straight people in the bars, but I'm completely open to it. I love hanging out with my straight friends at bars but we are a long way from it being possible to openly dance, hold hands, kiss a significant other without the getting strange looks or worse at most straight bars. For me , I love then so Mich because it feels like a welcoming environment for everyone. I don't mind a straight person coming to purely have a good time.

I do understand that in a lot of smaller places the gay bars are literally a safe haven away from all the baggage that comes with being yourself outside that space but I would hope that inclusivity would breed more of that in the outside world.
 
SomedayTheFire said:
Where else can we be comfortable who we're interacting with is of the same orientation? Outside of LGBT safe spaces by trying to find someone you run the risk of running into a homophobe who might verbally or physically hurt you. Fact is there is nowhere else safe to go for it, bar online dating and that's not safe either. There was news here in Ireland that a group of straight boys were using Grindr to meet up with gay men to bash them. It's unfortunate but society isn't as good as people would like to think for us now.

Sure, we do. But we don't right now and that's the crux of the issue. You can't blame us for feeling unsafe. You can't blame us for having to worry. You can't blame us for the hetero normality of society. It's not about segregation, it's about being comfortable in a space that allows us to be who we are as we cannot do that everywhere unlike straight people.

I would love the future to be like that too but it's still a ways off and until we get to that point we will feel uncomfortable in the society we live in.


Honestly, your first post came across like that. It felt like you're telling us how to behave.
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Straigh people being at a gay bar doesn't change the fact that it's still a welcoming environment where you can feel safe and be yourself. That's like the best thing about most of the bars; they are places where nobody is being judged, everyone is friendly and the atmosphere is great.
 
BernardoOne said:
Straigh people being at a gay bar doesn't change the fact that it's still a welcoming environment where you can feel safe and be yourself. That's like the best thing about most of the bars; they are places where nobody is being judged, everyone is friendly and the atmosphere is great.
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And yet it still makes numerous LGBT+ people uncomfortable.
 
Yeah, I've found myself in one a few times. Always end up having more fun than usual, too. I will say though even though I'm pansexual I always feel a little worried that maybe it's not my place to be there.
 
zewone said:
If a straight man had said this same thing about about a lesbian they would be looked as a monster. Basically, I just wanted him to think about that. But again, I'm not in your guys shoes.
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By whom ? That shit regularly happens to me or my friends/girlfriends and no one's ever stepped up. With consequences ranging from humiliation/embarassment to harassment to physical abuse. So when we get tired of it and want to be comfortable with our sexuality for once in our lives, we like it to be with actual LGBT people, not straight people going on "an adventure in gay-land" or something. Much less to still find men trying to hook up with us.
Like I said if straight people are there with gay friends or whatever I don't mind but when whole groups go there, it feels less and less like a place I'd be comfortable going to. Which is kind of the point of those places.
 
I went with my ex and her friend once! It was really freaking fun and I danced my ass off. Even got in the cage.

Unfortunately that was also the night my ex punched me several times in a drunken rage and I left her on the side of the road. I could have handled that better, but after years of her speaking against domestic violence due to her own experiences she was starting to look like she thought abuse only went one way.



EDIT: that was tangential... it's been awhile and I never talk about it anymore. sometimes the relevant bits make me spill

Gay Clubs are the great.
 
I do agree that gay bars seem to be more laid back than those of the usual type. I've never been sure if it was the atmosphere or me just being more comfortable in one. Seems like the former might be a big influence based on some of the responses here
 
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