Daydream Sequence
Banned
Because a vice isn't a tangible object?
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Tell us a joke, GAF
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Because a vice isn't a tangible object?
What if I said it was a combination of that and your avatar.
Daydream Sequence
Banned
When I was little my made-up joke was:
If a vagina is lips, what's a penis? Lipstick.
I thought I was funny. I was just an idiot.
viciouskillersquirrel
Member
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat walked up to them. He opened his trench coat up and flashed them both in broad daylight.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other wasn't fast enough.
One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other wasn't fast enough.
sasimirobot
Junior Member
What did the fish say when he bumped into a wall?
"Dam!"
"Dam!"
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
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Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Charles Foster Kane
Rosebud
Read the whole thing. Worth it.
Yep, haha.
NinjaBoiX
Member
Yeah, I still don't get it. Proper tea like "property" maybe? Property is theft? No that can't be it. Someone help me out here!
You got it.
NinjaBoiX
Member
Oh. I kind of hoped I didn't get it to be honest...
"Property is theft?" I don't get how that's funny. It's not even a true statement.
*shrugs*
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said... "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said... "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"
NinjaBoiX
Member
I posted these in the "Jokes!" thread:
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg...
The other day, the old lady who lives next door popped her head over the fence to ask me if I'd seen or heard anything about her missing laundry. I nearly shit her pants.
I had to tell a girl she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high this morning. She looked really surprised.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg...
The other day, the old lady who lives next door popped her head over the fence to ask me if I'd seen or heard anything about her missing laundry. I nearly shit her pants.
I had to tell a girl she'd drawn her eyebrows on too high this morning. She looked really surprised.
Aaron Strife
Banned
A girl with no arms and legs is sitting on the beach. A handsome young man sits next to her and introduces himself. The girl begins to cry.
"What's the matter?" says the boy.
"I've never been hugged before," she says.
The boy, feeling pity, hugs her. This seems to cheer her up a little, but the tears are still coming.
"I've never been kissed before," she says again.
The boy kisses her on the lips, and the tears stop momentarily, until she cries out -
"I've never been fucked before!"
The boy looks at her for a moment, picks her up, and throws her into the ocean.
"Well, you are now!"
"What's the matter?" says the boy.
"I've never been hugged before," she says.
The boy, feeling pity, hugs her. This seems to cheer her up a little, but the tears are still coming.
"I've never been kissed before," she says again.
The boy kisses her on the lips, and the tears stop momentarily, until she cries out -
"I've never been fucked before!"
The boy looks at her for a moment, picks her up, and throws her into the ocean.
"Well, you are now!"
AlteredBeast
Fork 'em, Sparky!
Cyan will eventually win this thread, so you can all go home now.
Gotta hand it to you here, I laughed.
Jim E. Rossler
Banned
What did the pirate say when he saw a prostitute and her client in an alley?
"Thar She Blows"
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
"Dam"
But then his fish buddy goes 'That's no dam, THAT'S MY WIFE'
Your Father's so fat that it takes a racing clutch and carbon flywheel just to get his ass in gear
Your Father's so fat that he runs a lap in 20 hours, not because he's slow as shit (he is), but because his massive gravity well distorts the timespace around him
Yo daddy so fat he uses the large hadron collider as a coaster for his gigantic big gulp full of diet coke (we both know full calorie soda isn't the reason he's the only object on earth with an escape velocity)
Yo daddy so fat you can't play catch with him without a basic understanding of orbital mechanics
Your Father's so fat his scale displays in scientific notation
"Thar She Blows"
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
"Dam"
But then his fish buddy goes 'That's no dam, THAT'S MY WIFE'
Your Father's so fat that it takes a racing clutch and carbon flywheel just to get his ass in gear
Your Father's so fat that he runs a lap in 20 hours, not because he's slow as shit (he is), but because his massive gravity well distorts the timespace around him
Yo daddy so fat he uses the large hadron collider as a coaster for his gigantic big gulp full of diet coke (we both know full calorie soda isn't the reason he's the only object on earth with an escape velocity)
Yo daddy so fat you can't play catch with him without a basic understanding of orbital mechanics
Your Father's so fat his scale displays in scientific notation
pauljeremiah
Gold Member
Peter was the postmaster for the town of Whitstable in the county of Kent. At the age of sixty five after fifty years of service he decided to retire. Mrs Bixby was the post office lunch lady and was very fond of Peter.
When the day of Peters retirement finally arrived, the whole post office had a huge party. There were cakes, chocolates and tarts with jam that would make anyones mouth smile with pleasure.
After the party was over Mrs Bixby asked Peter if she could see him up stairs as she wanted to give him his retirement present in private. The two of them went upstairs and up there were a small table and chair.
Mrs Bixby walked over to the table and then took out from the press a small bag of ingredients. She slowly took each ingredient out and inspected it before placing it on the table. She then started to make Peter some soup.
When the soup was ready she asked Peter to sit down at the table. This is a special soup Peter, the recipe has been in my family for four generations and has been passed down from mother to daughter orally and has never been written down. She then put a bowl of soup in front of Peter.
As Peter ate the soup a smile came across his face, never before has something tasted this good. Never have flavors collided and mix in his mouth to create flavors that he would never know to be possible.
After he had finished Peter said: Mrs Bixby that was so beautiful. Thank you so much so sharing that with me. Mrs Bixby told him that she something else to give him and brought him into the closet at the back of the room.
From there she presided to kiss Peter. Open up his shirt. Slide her hand down his trousers and then pull down his pants and perform fallacious acts upon him.
After twenty minutes or so, Mrs Bixby emerged from the closet and fixed herself proper. Peter walked out of the closet a shadow of his former self. He was shaken. His hands trembled and he found it difficult to speak clearly.
Mrs Bixby walked over to her purse and took out a pound coin. She then walked over to Peter and handed it to him.
W-w-w-whats g-g-going o-o-n? I d-dont understand whats g-g-going on? said Peter.
Mrs Bixby explained to him: I was at home last night, and I was thinking, thinking, thinking. What will I get you for your retirement? I was in a bind, I spent hours pondering over what to give you. So I went to my husband and I asked him, he said Fuck him!, give him a pound. But the soup was my idea.
When the day of Peters retirement finally arrived, the whole post office had a huge party. There were cakes, chocolates and tarts with jam that would make anyones mouth smile with pleasure.
After the party was over Mrs Bixby asked Peter if she could see him up stairs as she wanted to give him his retirement present in private. The two of them went upstairs and up there were a small table and chair.
Mrs Bixby walked over to the table and then took out from the press a small bag of ingredients. She slowly took each ingredient out and inspected it before placing it on the table. She then started to make Peter some soup.
When the soup was ready she asked Peter to sit down at the table. This is a special soup Peter, the recipe has been in my family for four generations and has been passed down from mother to daughter orally and has never been written down. She then put a bowl of soup in front of Peter.
As Peter ate the soup a smile came across his face, never before has something tasted this good. Never have flavors collided and mix in his mouth to create flavors that he would never know to be possible.
After he had finished Peter said: Mrs Bixby that was so beautiful. Thank you so much so sharing that with me. Mrs Bixby told him that she something else to give him and brought him into the closet at the back of the room.
From there she presided to kiss Peter. Open up his shirt. Slide her hand down his trousers and then pull down his pants and perform fallacious acts upon him.
After twenty minutes or so, Mrs Bixby emerged from the closet and fixed herself proper. Peter walked out of the closet a shadow of his former self. He was shaken. His hands trembled and he found it difficult to speak clearly.
Mrs Bixby walked over to her purse and took out a pound coin. She then walked over to Peter and handed it to him.
W-w-w-whats g-g-going o-o-n? I d-dont understand whats g-g-going on? said Peter.
Mrs Bixby explained to him: I was at home last night, and I was thinking, thinking, thinking. What will I get you for your retirement? I was in a bind, I spent hours pondering over what to give you. So I went to my husband and I asked him, he said Fuck him!, give him a pound. But the soup was my idea.
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
NinjaBoiX
Member
I think this one works better vocally, but here goes:
A penguin walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "got any fish?" "No" the barman replies, "this is a pub." The penguin leaves.
The next day, he comes in and asks the barman the same question, "got any fish?" The barman retorts, "no pal. Weren't you in here yesterday? This is a pub, not a fishmongers." The penguin leaves.
Once again, the next day th penguin trotts into the bar and asks the same question. The barman is annoyed now. "Look pal, I don't know what your game is, but this is the third day in a row you've asked that. I don't have any fish, this is a pub. I have beer, whisky, vodka, but no fish! If you come in here tomorrow asking for fish again, I'm going to stand you on the bar, and nail your flippers to it! Understand?" The penguin slowly backs out of the bar, "OK pal, calm down, I'm gone."
The next day, the penguin walks in again. "Alright pal. Got any nails?"
"For fuck's sake, NO!"
"Oh good. You got any fish?"
A penguin walks into a bar, asks the bartender, "got any fish?" "No" the barman replies, "this is a pub." The penguin leaves.
The next day, he comes in and asks the barman the same question, "got any fish?" The barman retorts, "no pal. Weren't you in here yesterday? This is a pub, not a fishmongers." The penguin leaves.
Once again, the next day th penguin trotts into the bar and asks the same question. The barman is annoyed now. "Look pal, I don't know what your game is, but this is the third day in a row you've asked that. I don't have any fish, this is a pub. I have beer, whisky, vodka, but no fish! If you come in here tomorrow asking for fish again, I'm going to stand you on the bar, and nail your flippers to it! Understand?" The penguin slowly backs out of the bar, "OK pal, calm down, I'm gone."
The next day, the penguin walks in again. "Alright pal. Got any nails?"
"For fuck's sake, NO!"
"Oh good. You got any fish?"
A zoophilic, a pedophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophiliac and a masochist are bored. The zoophilic goes :
"Hey, let's take a cat and rape it !"
The pedophile :
"Hey, let's take a kitten and rape it !"
The sadist :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it and rape it !"
The pyro :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it, burn it and rape it !"
The necrophiliac :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it, burn it, kill it and rape it !"
The masochist :
"meow"
"Hey, let's take a cat and rape it !"
The pedophile :
"Hey, let's take a kitten and rape it !"
The sadist :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it and rape it !"
The pyro :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it, burn it and rape it !"
The necrophiliac :
"Hey, let's take a kitten, beat it, burn it, kill it and rape it !"
The masochist :
"meow"
In 1937, for the 100th anniversary for the great poet Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin's death, a competition was announced for the design of a new large statue of Pushkin in central Moscow. The panel judging the entries was to be presided by the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin, himself.
Here are the top three entrires, and the panel's judgements:
3. A statue of Stalin reading Pushkin - Judged to be an interesting idea, but not entirely correct ideologically.
2. A statue of Pushkin reading Stalin - Judged to be correct ideologically, but incorrect chronologically.
And the winning entry:
Here are the top three entrires, and the panel's judgements:
3. A statue of Stalin reading Pushkin - Judged to be an interesting idea, but not entirely correct ideologically.
2. A statue of Pushkin reading Stalin - Judged to be correct ideologically, but incorrect chronologically.
And the winning entry:
1. A statue of Stalin reading Stalin - Judged to be correct both ideologically and chronologically.
BaronLundi
Member
NinjaBoiX
Member
Can you explain it? As I understand, these jokes work when the punchline is relatable, or flips the statement on its head. But, "he drinks herbal tea because property is theft" makes no sense. What does he mean "property is theft"?
I love the Groucho quote," These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
See that's funny. And clever. The other one sounds like a joke a kid would tell, where you laugh to humour them. "it doesn't make sense, but whatever, he's just a kid!"
BaronLundi
Member
NinjaBoiX
Member
"If I were asked to answer the following question: What is slavery? and I should answer in one word, It is murder!, my meaning would be understood at once. No extended argument would be required . . . Why, then, to this other question: What is property? may I not likewise answer, It is robbery!, without the certainty of being misunderstood; the second proposition being no other than a transformation of the first?"
Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, What is Property?
Maybe it's just me, but I still don't get it, that whole statement. He tries to justify his "property is theft" statement by saying no one would question him saying, "slavery is murder", what?
Slavery isn't murder.
Property isn't theft.
It's nonsense. It doesn't necessarily need to make sense to be a joke I suppose, I just can't understand where the humour comes from.
Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, What is Property?
Maybe it's just me, but I still don't get it, that whole statement. He tries to justify his "property is theft" statement by saying no one would question him saying, "slavery is murder", what?
Slavery isn't murder.
Property isn't theft.
It's nonsense. It doesn't necessarily need to make sense to be a joke I suppose, I just can't understand where the humour comes from.
He's a famous anarchist who made a famous quote (they even used it in the french version of V for Vendetta). The quote is debatable, but it's still used nowadays.
You're not going to get it if you've never heard it before. I thought it was famous, but then again I'm french so pretty much everyone would get it here (well, they would if it worked in french, anyway).
You're not going to get it if you've never heard it before. I thought it was famous, but then again I'm french so pretty much everyone would get it here (well, they would if it worked in french, anyway).
BaronLundi
Member
Well, he was an anarchist, not a comedian.
He developed a thesis against property right, i.e. all goods should be common goods, hence the connection with Marxism.
Ok, enough with the derail.
My favorite Churchill quote:
Lady Astor - “If you were my husband, I’d put arsenic in your coffee.”
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor : - “If I were your husband, I’d drink it!”
And another:
Sacha Guitry To his wife: "When you die I'll write 'Finally Quiet' on your gravestone"
Her answer: "When you die, it'll read 'Finally Stiff' on yours"
NinjaBoiX
Member
Well there you go, that explains why it neither makes sense, or bears humour.
Three of my favourite quotes:
"Be careful reading medical books, you may die of a misprint."
Mark Twain
"You know, people laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now."
Bob Monkhouse
"I always wanted to be somebody. I should've been more specific."
Joan Rivers
Trent Strong
Banned
For fuck's sake.
NinjaBoiX
Member
Chill out man, tell a joke or something.
Look, they guy is a brilliant mind, and made some incredibly insightful comments. I just don't understand the reverence for that one, especially given the quality of his other work. I'm not railing on the guy, I just don't get it. It's probably just me though, because most people seem to find it really funny. That's cool.
Yup, both these are classics!
You know it's just the premise of the whole book, right? It's not just a one-time, unexplained assertion.
(This thread is now about Proudhon)
Trent Strong
Banned
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound angry. It was supposed to be a friendly and jovial "for fuck's sake". (That sounds crazy, and doesn't come across in writing, but with the right tone of voice, a "for fuck's sake" can actually sound friendly.)
NinjaBoiX
Member
It's cool Trent, I was being a bit petulant anyway, "See, it isn't funny, you guys are just stupid heads!" Not cool.
Anyway, let's get this show back on the road.
A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asks the host. "I'm a turtle." replies the man. "Well who's she?" asks the host pointing to the girl on his back. "Oh, that's Michelle."
Anyway, let's get this show back on the road.
A guy goes to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asks the host. "I'm a turtle." replies the man. "Well who's she?" asks the host pointing to the girl on his back. "Oh, that's Michelle."
Lord British
Member
These had me rolling, thank you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This is freaking glorious. Dear God.
And I'm actually proud to be in the 11%.
I read the world's longest joke on the last thread. It's pretty brilliant. I even started telling it to my friends right after I read it. I got to the part just before he meets Nate and it's been indefinitely postponed. I really like it.
QuicheFontaine
Member
Scrolled straight to the end, but man that pschological profile bit got my number!
Lord British
Member
Ditto. Sheer bliss. The all-caps punchline just floored me.
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