There have been a lot of changes in Polyphia as of late, and I actually have felt very "under-utilized", as it was put. Ironically, however, it's not toning down what I'm doing musically that upsets me, it's toning down who I am, and sacrificing what I'm capable of on an emotional and personal level that bothers me the most. Earlier in Polyphia's career, there was an EP we released called "Inspire"; I was fortunate enough to be the one who established the "culture", if you will, of that release, and I wanted it to represent how the four of us worked so hard to become what we were capable of with our abilities, and use ourselves as a living example of how the human spirit is limitless when your heart is in the right place. Our fans would tell us that we inspired them, and that they were better because of what we were doing, and that brought a feeling of fulfillment to me that I had never felt before. I always thought that it just felt "right" for us to pay it forward with our abilities to show others that they could do everything we do, too. As Polyphia progressed, however, it seemed to become less about impacting others, and more about impacting ourselves; it's inevitable that music is both an art and a business, but I think that when a band falls too deeply into either side of that spectrum, things start to fall apart. To me, being in Polyphia as it progressed started to become about making ourselves look better than everyone else, instead of making everyone better because of us. It started to be about showing off expensive gear that most couldn't afford (bought with our fans' money), and releasing content through our name for the sake of "likes", and not for any personal value. It became a competition, where we had to prove that we were better than everyone else, make a shit ton of money, and place ourselves up on a pedestal for people to admire, instead of being on the ground level, helping others just to stand on their own. This started to bother me very deeply, and I found myself beginning to despise the very thing that I had always loved the most, as if I had unknowingly helped in creating a monster; the problem is, it took me a very long time to recognize this. I started acting differently; I began to stray away from spending time with my best friends, and began always insecurely questioning their actions, searching for ulterior motives and feeling like I was just part of a plot of some grand scheme of manipulation. I had a rebellious attitude that didn't mesh with everyone else's, and I brought a toxicity and dark cloud with me that virtually ruined the relationship I had with everyone. Things didn't feel right anymore, and I felt very depressed, as if the things I had dreamed of all this time weren't what I thought they were, and like I would never find true happiness. I started to question everything it is that I was and was meant to be doing, and hit rock bottom, unable to decipher my own emotions and why it was I even felt this way. It was at this terribly low place, however, that I found that what was bringing me the most pain, is that I kept myself in this situation where I wasn't being honest with myself, and it was starting to affect the ones around me, as well. I started to realize that music, for me, wasn't supposed to be a way for me to narcissistically empower myself and "prove wrong" those who gave me pain, but a vessel of communicating to others who are suffering, and that we can create beautiful art from the things that have hurt us. It became clear to me that my real talent isn't what I'm doing with music, but who I am as a person, and that I need to be using my skills in music to communicate that, instead of trying to make people think I'm better than I actually am. I started to formulate other dreams, and then realized that I had to take the biggest risk of my life to give myself the opportunity to pursue them; I had to quit Polyphia. I put what I understood of my feelings down on paper, printed off three copies, and delivered the message to my bandmates that I was resigning. I was quickly replaced, and asked to comply with not announcing my resignation until I was permitted to by them so that it wouldn't spark up controversy before they were to release their new album. I agreed to do so, but have been so deeply bothered by being constantly associated, during their period of promoting for the album, for who I used to be, while trying to be who I am now at the same time, that I simply could not keep myself from announcing this before I was asked to. I hate feeling like I'm living a lie, even if it's only a "temporary" lie, and I feel like the people who are fans of the band and what I do deserve to know the immediate truth. I don't feel that the time and effort that I invested into Polyphia deserves to be quickly replaced and erased for the sake of album sales, and to make everything that I spilled blood, sweat, and tears for vanish because things changed and I didn't feel right with the reasons I was in it anymore. I got tired of swallowing who I was just to be what someone else wanted me to be, and realized that I had strayed far away from my own path, and was stuck, by fear, on someone else's entirely. The point of me sharing this with you is not to sabotage Polyphia or serve as some self righteous story of belittlement and empowerment; they have undeniably worked extremely hard for what they want, and I truly think that it's amazing that they're seeing so much success from their efforts, regardless of what I perceive it to "be for". The point of all this is simply to convey that I learned that I was wasting who I was and what I was truly capable of by failing to stand up for the things I believed in, and staying in my comfort zone because I was afraid of losing the superficial things I received from being in Polyphia that I thought would make me happy. I learned that who I am is way more important than what I do, and if what I'm doing with my life isn't reflecting that and enriching other people along the way, I'm throwing away my potential of ever being - actually- happy. It took me a long period of time and a lot suffering to come across this knowledge, and as much as I hope that this serves as an answer to those who have asked me many questions of where I've been, what I've felt, and why things seem differently, I hope it serves as an example of how some of the most difficult decisions I've ever made have led to some of my most profound spiritual, personal, and musical growth. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this, and hope that it can be wisdom you might need that you won't have to come across in the way that I did. My deepest gratitude for everyone who has supported what I have done in Polyphia, and that will choose to continue to follow what I will be doing now. As painful as it was to part ways with something I had spent five years loving, believing in, and committing to, I'm healed in knowing that what I do from this point forward will be what's finally best for me, and honest with who - and what - I really am.
The first one was better, I was trying really hard to imagine them as actual distorted guitars. Keep it up.
