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The war was fought and I lost

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KO Traveling Hobo said:
Yes, but it would require thought and self-awareness, so I understand your confusion. Ignorance is adorable.
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So you're telling me that instead of going out to a bar and socializing with people, the OP should watch 12 hours of anime. In doing this he will become less shallow and somehow become sociable. Also, bearing in mind that anime carries a large negative stigma in the U.S (where I assume he is from). That literally makes no sense.
 
eosos said:
So you're telling me that instead of going out to a bar and socializing with people, the OP should watch 12 hours of anime. In doing this he will become less shallow and somehow become sociable. Also, bearing in mind that anime carries a large negative stigma in the U.S (where I assume he is from). That literally makes no sense.
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If I recommended him a self-help book, would that also literally make no sense?
 
You think you got problems? I bought a Taco Bell Big box. I didn't win a PSP Vita. Now I have the runs for nothing.
 
ronito said:
You think you got problems? I bought a Taco Bell Big box. I didn't win a PSP Vita. Now I have the runs for nothing.
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I would have eaten that for you. Or wait... does the code only appear after eating the food? Maybe it'll be in your fecal matter in aprox 15 mins?
 
Dogs are pretty goddamn awesome, OP. I had a pretty awesome dog named Pascal. And a kitten I named after the 65 Shelby Cobra. If you can't count on people you can always count on your pets, and they'll always count on you.

Also the "everyone is so shallow but me" attitude is classic passive aggressive reaction to frustration with one's current situation. Unless you spend all of your waking hours trying to escape from the cycles of Qlipoth and escape the boundaries of Malkuth, there's someone out there who would probably find you to be shallow as well. Don't be that guy. Don't drown in your own ocean. Give the human race a break and let someone surprise you with their depth. Be it practical or abstract.

Concept17 said:
I would have eaten that for you. Or wait... does the code only appear after eating the food? Maybe it'll be in your fecal matter in aprox 15 mins?
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They print the code in bio-degradable ink, derived from...well...bacteria. The problem is they print the winning code on the inside of random taco shells. So he's a winner, and a loser, because he probably ate the code.
 
I don't have anything constructive to add, but I just wanted to say that I was amused by the last three posts and the OP's use of "origin story."

You're good people.
 
This is honestly one of the more interesting threads I've read on GAF for a while.

They say variety is the spice of life.

Things just got spicy.
 
KO Traveling Hobo said:
I'm interested in hearing what makes it ludicrous. Enlighten me.
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I believe you could figure that out for yourself, I don't feel like writing a wall of text on neogaf. I don't think that we're going to agree on this no matter how much we talk about it anyways. For the record I do enjoy anime on occasion, but I do doubt that it would help the OP very much.
 
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Icanplaythat said:
I saw a young white homeless woman panhandling in front of Century21, if she's still there when this movie is over, I'm going to give her 10 bucks and see if that has a healing effect.
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You fool. Cash doesn't have a healing effect, you need a red potion for that.
 
onemic said:
Where'd you get that from?
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Partly from people I know, watching the personality changes.. also reading lots of experience accounts online, seeing some specials on TV, etc.

I'm not some expert though, just something I've heard and to some extent witnessed.

Not my thing.
 
I may have given everyone here the wrong idea with my posts. My OP is melodramatic, but I've always found inappropriate melodrama to be funny.

It's somewhat about a girl, but not really. It's more about how I behave and feel towards her and about myself, now that I have put value on her existence and my interactions with her.

I'm not honest with people, I don't like people in general, but I fake it. It's sourced from a difficult childhood and the self defense mechanisms put in place at the time to survive the environment. A 14 year cycle of physical abuse, a cold/distant/volatile/affection-less parent and a crippling stutter. The stuttering is gone (don't ask me how) and being beat up is not something I worry about; but the hard wiring, the foundation created from that experience is ever present. I socialize, I date, I experience, but I never relate. I've never known someone who made me say "this person gets me" or vice versa.

If you saw me walking down the street or spoke to me in a casual-social setting, you wouldn't say I'm mopey or depressed. I wouldn't project that, I don't want you to know, I don't want to lay that on you, why would I?

I've been involuntarily institutionalized twice, no epiphanies were had. I've been on SSRI's, SNRI's, antipsychotics and anticonvulsants; again no light was shone onto mine eyes. I've been involved in one-on-one therapy, group therapy, group CBT, and a social anxiety group (forgot the acronym).

When I was in my early twenties, I had a crazy fucking idea. I thought the love of a good woman would straighten me out, wrong. It works the other way around, I drag them down into my hell. The pointless fights, the weird reactions to innocuous comments and man oh man the paranoia. Two awesome woman have told me they loved me and my immediate reaction was to convince them otherwise. How they got that close to me to begin with is a fucking mystery. But I knew the truth; they were into the idea, the concept of the guy I was displaying. It wasn't their fault, how could they know; but they learned quickly enough that I am not someone to be loved.

I am disciplined, focused and effective in the areas of my life that don't require intimacy, beyond that I'm fucked.

So the question I should have asked is, if you are fucked in the head and all the treatment and "help" that is supposed to lead you to some type of normalcy fails, what next? How does it get better? What else could I possibly try.

I'm going to ask this girl out, because I want to. She might say no; I'll be dejected, but relieved. She might say yes and it will last three months and end with mutual hatred and maybe a slap across my face; and she will never have actually known me.

To the people who are being critical of those shitting on me, don't be. It has no effect, there is not a person alive who is harder on me and more hateful of me than I am.

I could write more, but I don't know man.
 
Change.

So you know you have all these internal defense mechanisms, you have these personality facades that allow you to function in 'normal' social situations. But it's an effort to keep up the lie. Do you even know what 'truth' is? Or are you also a victim of the moat and the castle walls you've put up around yourself? You've got to break out of the fortress you've put yourself in, and learn how to be vulnerable while putting yourself in real touch with people. Don't numb yourself anymore, feel the pain, so you can grow and deal with it instead of pretending that it, like the real feelings of others, don't exist.

You're like a victim of your own success.
 
So what is it that you want? Why is this a problem? Isn't it good enough to care about someone and be cared about?

akira28 said:
Change.

So you know you have all these internal defense mechanisms, you have these personality facades that allow you to function in 'normal' social situations. But it's an effort to keep up the lie. Do you even know what 'truth' is? Or are you also a victim of the moat and the castle walls you've put up around yourself? You've got to break out of the fortress you've put yourself in, and learn how to be vulnerable while putting yourself in real touch with people. Don't numb yourself anymore, feel the pain, so you can grow and deal with it instead of pretending that it, like the real feelings of others, don't exist.

You're like a victim of your own success.
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I was expecting you to quote that whole post and then tell him to get a dog. Disappointmentton total.
 
Well, most people with long commutes and full time jobs spend 11 hours out of the house, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a backyard. He could still get a cyborg dog. I hear they make those out of re-animated pets. Built in sleep mode, and less clean up. Motion sensor activated.

edit:
or a Tamagotchi.
 
KO Traveling Hobo said:
So what is it that you want? Why is this a problem? Isn't it good enough to care about someone and be cared about?



I was expecting you to quote that whole post and then tell him to get a dog. Disappointmentton total.
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I lash out at people that care about me, because they are wrong for doing so. It's not rational, psychosis/depression/personality disorder is not usually rational. How do you respect someone that cares about you when your personality isn't genuine?
 
OP, I can sympathize with you in many ways. Especially this part:

Two awesome woman have told me they loved me and my immediate reaction was to convince them otherwise. How they got that close to me to begin with is a fucking mystery.
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I once told my wife that I feel like I'm lying at the bottom of the ocean looking up at everyone swimming around in millions of different schools to which they belong and no one ever sees me lying down there. She said she would swim down and lift me up and carry me upwards. I will never understand why.

Recently, I told her that I don't want people to remember me as the person I am, but, instead, the all-encompassing idea of love and understanding that I try to embody and employ. That really upset her. She wants people to love and care about me, but I couldn't care less if I disappeared without anyone remembering my name. Such is life.
 
Alfarif said:
Recently, I told her that I don't want people to remember me as the person I am, but, instead, the all-encompassing idea of love and understanding that I try to embody and employ. That really upset her. She wants people to love and care about me, but I couldn't care less if I disappeared without anyone remembering my name. Such is life.
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Yes this, I destroyed every photo of my childhood/adolescents, I get pissed when people want to include me in photos or take one of me.
 
akira28 said:
Well, most people with long commutes and full time jobs spend 11 hours out of the house, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a backyard. He could still get a cyborg dog. I hear they make those out of re-animated pets. Built in sleep mode, and less clean up. Motion sensor activated.

edit:
or a Tamagotchi.
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image.php

Icanplaythat said:
I lash out at people that care about me, because they are wrong for doing so. It's not rational, psychosis/depression/personality disorder is not usually rational. How do you respect someone that cares about you when your personality isn't genuine?
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As you should know, caring about people isn't easy and leaves you open to getting hurt. That's why you should still respect them.

What's the difference between your genuine personality and the one you project? What would happen if you dropped the act?

edit: I think Akira's post about changing is the right idea.
 
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